Oh and the first person I had a deep bond with was from an inappropriate relationship with a high school teacher, who later crushed my heart out of the blue for no reason. ( she had borderline pd) This being the woman that helped me learn to like affection, teaching me touch doesnt have to be painful.(she came from an abusive family and could see the signs in me) to say she made me human is accurate, I actually did not understand loneliness before her, when we were separated I actually asked my mom what it meant if you want to want to hear someones voice. Im not sure if I hate her for what she did or not, she inspired me to pursue my dream of moving abroad where I might not be so alien, she taught me love as well. I dont think I hate her, But I also dont think I can forgive her. and this is the first time I have shared the story. If you look back you will find a thread I made about her, essentially asking how to live without someone who seems to be essential to you. she broke me, I quite literally died internally for a few weeks.
thats me, sad yet?
You'll get over it, everybody does get over their first love. You have to realise the reason why it's so prevalent in your mind is because you experienced stuff for the first time. I used to think a girl would be in the back of my head all day, but now she doesn't exist at all. She still taught me a few things too, but the chances are, everyone at a young impressionable age meets someone that "taught" them how to behave, the themes of life, yada yada yada. So if you consider that just know if you didn't meet that person someone else would've changed and developed your view on life, it just happened to be them. So in that respect, she wasn't objectively perfection she was just your first embrace. Like a baby born from a womb into a different world, beholden to the one that birthed them. That attachment is strong.
All of us have went through a first love it's an essential part of development. Consider your emotions in a logical sense through what I described above, keep it in the forefront of your mind: You had to go through a first love, you had to love and lost, and someone had to fill that vessel.
Also, generally speaking I think males suck mega dick with emotions. We bury them so much that a girl comes along and we pivot her as a goddess, like a neglected kid finally recieving love. In the first order of things, we separate the individual to a vessel for our emotional venture and expect them to maintain our venture. They have agency of free will, try not to think about it as they broke your heart like taking candy from a baby. Everyone breaks someone's heart, more often girls than boys but that's mainly because they don't suppress their emotions for a millenia and then collapse when a girl gives them a compliment. They've nurtured emotional connection with females for years, backing them up, telling them they're pretty, so on and so forth.
She may remain an archetype for love in your future, you may draw on your experiences with her as anyone would when they experience something for the first time. Be thankful you learnt a lesson- to be emotionally resillient. Everyone hurts, but they get through it and become stronger. Every partner is both an experience and a lesson.
@Tenacity should explain the side that males don't want to see through their blind fixation of the women becoming an object of the man's desire rather than an individual themselves.
I also left a funny pitiful video telling myself not to do it again 
