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- Today, 00:59
- Dec 15, 2018
Loner or not, we are all our own definitions of normal. I can't count the number of times I've said to someone "do you know when you experience this..." or "know when you feel like this...." and my response is a slow shake of the head.You would think sharing would help, but I had no idea how many problems I had before talking about this. When you are isolated your whole life its easy to assume this is a normal existence.
When you think of "changing" yourself, you can't just erase all the habits and feelings you don't like overnight. It's one small thing at a time. It's like how so many people say "I could never go vegan," because they're thinking about going cold turkey. That's not a lot to ask of yourself mentally, but the enzymes in your stomach aren't suited yet for that kind of diet. It physically won't be healthy. It's also the same with quitting a drug.I really dont even know where to start at this point, its overwhelming, along with life's challenges being thrown into the mix. You guys dont even know the half of it. I do feel somewhat accomplished just surviving to my 20's I was sure I would die before this.
You have to be kind to yourself. You understand the challenges you've had in life, and that makes them valid. No one else will cut you any slack. No one else will give you the breaks you need for yourself. No one else can provide you validation, except yourself. And if you want it to be validated, then here I am, an anonymous person on the internet, validating you and your problems. But no matter what I, or anyone else will say, we're not you. You must want to make the first step, if it's only somewhat changing your daily routine.
Never getting addicted to drugs is something to be proud of! There you go!
First...SCREW OUR MEDICAL SYSTEM, WTF. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.When I was 13 I planned to move to Alaska and ride a brick to the bottom of the ocean, but hey im still alive so horay. I recently stopped taking my meds (anxiety and anti depresesnt) at the same time, dont have the money for them right now, thats definitely not helping my mental health. The thought crossed my mind yesterday, im essentially only alive because mom would be sad if I died, so if she died out of nowhere im really not sure what would be my purpose, since I really dont have one, I dont even know if I want one. The only purpose I deem worthy is to make my existence compensate for everyone else's.
I can relate in some ways. I'm starting to change, but I still can't really imagine being motivated for myself without the few people in my family who also care about me. I used to make detailed plans inside my head about ways I could diminish my existence enough so that I could die, rig something up to incinerate myself after the fact without any outside help (so that I'd be unidentifiable). These were theoretical back-up plans that I didn't think I would ever actually do, but I suppose the amount of thought I put into them weren't normal, nor was the methodical, logically way I'd go about it, I don't do this anymore (as much? IDK. It's a work in progress). At least I don't think about all the ways I could die when I leave my apartment each day.
Never getting addicted to drugs is something to be proud of! There you go!Considering how fucked my life is Im also proud to not have any real addictions, aside from caffein and sugar.
THAT'S what it is?!? Fuck me. And all this time, I've thought I was just weird! I knew there was a point in talking to people on the internet, woo!Unfortunately im sure this is hedonophobia, something you develop from people shitting on the things that make you happy, causing you to avoid them.
I have this BAD. So bad. Soooooo so so bad. Don't worry, you're not alone.
I moved a lot throughout school, so I experienced something like this as well. I just...don't think about it.At some point I stopped caring if I fit in, and later I starting to avoid it, at this point the idea of changing myself for someone is sickening.
A doctor tried to tell me I was bipolar too! They were wrong, I had an undiagnosed neurological auto-immune disease that made me act extra crazy. It had to get preeeeettty bad before I finally got to the right specialist to receive a diagnosis. But I figured it out myself and carefully crafted out what to say to each doctor for them to finally refer me to the right person. Before, I wasn't aware that so many things I experienced weren't normal, thinking they were just "my" problem. I just would block it out to do what I needed to do, and I'd be angry and hate myself all the time. I also didn't know how bad that was, either. The way I was feeling didn't match up with my thinking, so I didn't relate to anything mental-illness related. I'm not as crazy anymore....but, well, my name is "moody" for a reasonThe doctor said im bipolar, but im not sure I believe that, I think my coping mechanism for depression is recklessness, as that always makes me feel better instantly. lately I have been having mood swings from wanting to die to doing fine, every 6 hours or so. IM A BIT OF A MESS, YEAH. nobody knows because I have all the self control.
Trust your instincts when you know someone is wrong about you. Of course, in moderation because defensiveness and false-sense-of-self is always a possibility, but you sound self-aware enough to know the difference.
I'm sure you know this...but she should have known better. She was the adult, and you're now having to pay the price of her lack of foresight. It's not that one strictly shouldn't confide or form close relationships with teachers; it's that teens are still learning how to form relations at this age, and getting involved romantically really messes with a kid. It's okay to value what you got out of the relationship, but it's important to also recognize that she was too immature to understand the long-term consequences of encouraging a romantic aspect of your relationship. She had problems too, and from a societal 3rd-party standpoint, she's more messed up than you for not discouraging romantic feelings.Oh and the first person I had a deep bond with was from an inappropriate relationship with a high school teacher, who later crushed my heart out of the blue for no reason. ( she had borderline pd) This being the woman that helped me learn to like affection, teaching me touch doesnt have to be painful.(she came from an abusive family and could see the signs in me) to say she made me human is accurate, I actually did not understand loneliness before her, when we were separated I actually asked my mom what it meant if you want to want to hear someones voice. Im not sure if I hate her for what she did or not, she inspired me to pursue my dream of moving abroad where I might not be so alien, she taught me love as well. I dont think I hate her, But I also dont think I can forgive her. and this is the first time I have shared the story. If you look back you will find a thread I made about her, essentially asking how to live without someone who seems to be essential to you. she broke me, I quite literally died internally for a few weeks.
I have a close family friend in their late-fifties who taught high school for many years. She worked in some places that were very underprivileged, and many kids had major issues at home. Some students only ate during the weekdays when the cafeteria was open, because their "legal guardians" were never there, and they didn't have money for food. A few kids had a parent who'd committed suicide, and a lot of kids had parent(s) in prison. Some for trying to kill them.
The friend had a sort-of-motherly approach to teaching, and always stood up for her students.I think saved many of their lives, by empowering them with the subject she taught. There were a few times, however, she voiced concern about the way a boy in her class acted with her. It was usually a boy with major family problems who lacked stability at home. She was very perceptive of this, and luckily was able to re-direct their attention before they ever really realized what they were doing. She was always well-aware that these kids just wanted a mom figure, but as adolescents with unstable homes, they didn't know the difference. I'm younger and so was never really privy to her personal life, but throughout the years I've picked up that she had a somewhat abuse childhood too. I think the biggest difference was her background in clinical therapy, prior to working as a teacher. That, and she's somewhat psychic with her students....
It's really a shame that she wasn't mature enough to think ahead. I know it's almost impossible because of your emotional entanglement with the situation, but try to remove yourself for a second and look at her actions and behaviors for what they were: she obviously cared about you a lot, but she was a traumatized individual as well who didn't know where to draw the line. You aren't responsible, but that also doesn't mean she's some horrible person, as I'm sure you wouldn't want to think anyway. You are entitled to the way you feel about it all.
I hope none of that was too presumptuous. I'm only trying to give a 3-rd party view point that may help you get some more clarity about what you've experienced.