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Women freak me out

moody

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You would think sharing would help, but I had no idea how many problems I had before talking about this. When you are isolated your whole life its easy to assume this is a normal existence.
Loner or not, we are all our own definitions of normal. I can't count the number of times I've said to someone "do you know when you experience this..." or "know when you feel like this...." and my response is a slow shake of the head.

I really dont even know where to start at this point, its overwhelming, along with life's challenges being thrown into the mix. You guys dont even know the half of it. I do feel somewhat accomplished just surviving to my 20's I was sure I would die before this.
When you think of "changing" yourself, you can't just erase all the habits and feelings you don't like overnight. It's one small thing at a time. It's like how so many people say "I could never go vegan," because they're thinking about going cold turkey. That's not a lot to ask of yourself mentally, but the enzymes in your stomach aren't suited yet for that kind of diet. It physically won't be healthy. It's also the same with quitting a drug.

You have to be kind to yourself. You understand the challenges you've had in life, and that makes them valid. No one else will cut you any slack. No one else will give you the breaks you need for yourself. No one else can provide you validation, except yourself. And if you want it to be validated, then here I am, an anonymous person on the internet, validating you and your problems. But no matter what I, or anyone else will say, we're not you. You must want to make the first step, if it's only somewhat changing your daily routine.

Never getting addicted to drugs is something to be proud of! There you go!

When I was 13 I planned to move to Alaska and ride a brick to the bottom of the ocean, but hey im still alive so horay. I recently stopped taking my meds (anxiety and anti depresesnt) at the same time, dont have the money for them right now, thats definitely not helping my mental health. The thought crossed my mind yesterday, im essentially only alive because mom would be sad if I died, so if she died out of nowhere im really not sure what would be my purpose, since I really dont have one, I dont even know if I want one. The only purpose I deem worthy is to make my existence compensate for everyone else's.
First...SCREW OUR MEDICAL SYSTEM, WTF. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Secondly:
I can relate in some ways. I'm starting to change, but I still can't really imagine being motivated for myself without the few people in my family who also care about me. I used to make detailed plans inside my head about ways I could diminish my existence enough so that I could die, rig something up to incinerate myself after the fact without any outside help (so that I'd be unidentifiable). These were theoretical back-up plans that I didn't think I would ever actually do, but I suppose the amount of thought I put into them weren't normal, nor was the methodical, logically way I'd go about it, I don't do this anymore (as much? IDK. It's a work in progress). At least I don't think about all the ways I could die when I leave my apartment each day.

Considering how fucked my life is Im also proud to not have any real addictions, aside from caffein and sugar.
Never getting addicted to drugs is something to be proud of! There you go!

Unfortunately im sure this is hedonophobia, something you develop from people shitting on the things that make you happy, causing you to avoid them.
THAT'S what it is?!? Fuck me. And all this time, I've thought I was just weird! I knew there was a point in talking to people on the internet, woo!

I have this BAD. So bad. Soooooo so so bad. Don't worry, you're not alone.

At some point I stopped caring if I fit in, and later I starting to avoid it, at this point the idea of changing myself for someone is sickening.
I moved a lot throughout school, so I experienced something like this as well. I just...don't think about it.

The doctor said im bipolar, but im not sure I believe that, I think my coping mechanism for depression is recklessness, as that always makes me feel better instantly. lately I have been having mood swings from wanting to die to doing fine, every 6 hours or so. IM A BIT OF A MESS, YEAH. nobody knows because I have all the self control.
A doctor tried to tell me I was bipolar too! They were wrong, I had an undiagnosed neurological auto-immune disease that made me act extra crazy. It had to get preeeeettty bad before I finally got to the right specialist to receive a diagnosis. But I figured it out myself and carefully crafted out what to say to each doctor for them to finally refer me to the right person. Before, I wasn't aware that so many things I experienced weren't normal, thinking they were just "my" problem. I just would block it out to do what I needed to do, and I'd be angry and hate myself all the time. I also didn't know how bad that was, either. The way I was feeling didn't match up with my thinking, so I didn't relate to anything mental-illness related. I'm not as crazy anymore....but, well, my name is "moody" for a reason :p
Trust your instincts when you know someone is wrong about you. Of course, in moderation because defensiveness and false-sense-of-self is always a possibility, but you sound self-aware enough to know the difference.


Oh and the first person I had a deep bond with was from an inappropriate relationship with a high school teacher, who later crushed my heart out of the blue for no reason. ( she had borderline pd) This being the woman that helped me learn to like affection, teaching me touch doesnt have to be painful.(she came from an abusive family and could see the signs in me) to say she made me human is accurate, I actually did not understand loneliness before her, when we were separated I actually asked my mom what it meant if you want to want to hear someones voice. Im not sure if I hate her for what she did or not, she inspired me to pursue my dream of moving abroad where I might not be so alien, she taught me love as well. I dont think I hate her, But I also dont think I can forgive her. and this is the first time I have shared the story. If you look back you will find a thread I made about her, essentially asking how to live without someone who seems to be essential to you. she broke me, I quite literally died internally for a few weeks.
I'm sure you know this...but she should have known better. She was the adult, and you're now having to pay the price of her lack of foresight. It's not that one strictly shouldn't confide or form close relationships with teachers; it's that teens are still learning how to form relations at this age, and getting involved romantically really messes with a kid. It's okay to value what you got out of the relationship, but it's important to also recognize that she was too immature to understand the long-term consequences of encouraging a romantic aspect of your relationship. She had problems too, and from a societal 3rd-party standpoint, she's more messed up than you for not discouraging romantic feelings.

I have a close family friend in their late-fifties who taught high school for many years. She worked in some places that were very underprivileged, and many kids had major issues at home. Some students only ate during the weekdays when the cafeteria was open, because their "legal guardians" were never there, and they didn't have money for food. A few kids had a parent who'd committed suicide, and a lot of kids had parent(s) in prison. Some for trying to kill them.

The friend had a sort-of-motherly approach to teaching, and always stood up for her students.I think saved many of their lives, by empowering them with the subject she taught. There were a few times, however, she voiced concern about the way a boy in her class acted with her. It was usually a boy with major family problems who lacked stability at home. She was very perceptive of this, and luckily was able to re-direct their attention before they ever really realized what they were doing. She was always well-aware that these kids just wanted a mom figure, but as adolescents with unstable homes, they didn't know the difference. I'm younger and so was never really privy to her personal life, but throughout the years I've picked up that she had a somewhat abuse childhood too. I think the biggest difference was her background in clinical therapy, prior to working as a teacher. That, and she's somewhat psychic with her students....

It's really a shame that she wasn't mature enough to think ahead. I know it's almost impossible because of your emotional entanglement with the situation, but try to remove yourself for a second and look at her actions and behaviors for what they were: she obviously cared about you a lot, but she was a traumatized individual as well who didn't know where to draw the line. You aren't responsible, but that also doesn't mean she's some horrible person, as I'm sure you wouldn't want to think anyway. You are entitled to the way you feel about it all.

I hope none of that was too presumptuous. I'm only trying to give a 3-rd party view point that may help you get some more clarity about what you've experienced.
 

peoplesuck

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Thanks it is nice to see some people have the same issues.
I'm sure you know this...but she should have known better.
At the time her life was falling apart and her "soul mate" had just crushed her soul. She isnt a pedophile, its understandable how one person could crush you and cause you to immediately bond with that persons polar opposite. I did a lot of research to understand it, and I dont blame her for it. She was what you described your friend to be, she had a lapse in, well I would say judgement but probably more than that.The only thing that keeps me from really being ok with what she did was how she treated me like I didnt exist to distance me to protect herself. I view this as morally wrong, I would never have done that. She had kids and a life to protect, I just lost value to her, thats how borderline people work, in her defense she never became directly aggressive. From the way she treated me, she may have realized she didnt have the self control to have a platonic friendship with me, and she cut me off to save us both...I can forgive that. I just changed my view on her, either way she has a special place in my heart, we are all a bit damaged and fallible. She helped me understand other people, love, real pain, I suppose there is a price for everything.
 

Kormak

The IT barbarian - eNTP - 6w7-4-8 so/sx
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lately I have been having mood swings from wanting to die to doing fine, every 6 hours or so.
That is bipolar. You won't get that under control without medication. It probably runs in your family. Find a psychiatrist be4 you kill yourself.... that is an order soldier.
 

peoplesuck

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lately I have been having mood swings from wanting to die to doing fine, every 6 hours or so.
That is bipolar. You won't get that under control without medication. It probably runs in your family. Find a psychiatrist be4 you kill yourself.... that is an order soldier.
Its never been this bad, its coming off 2 medications at the same time causing it. worry not my friend I have been much worse off. Wanting to die isnt the same as being prepared to kill myself. It just means dying sounds nice. also I feel much better now, I have had a few realizations about myself and my situation in the last few days.
 

Minuend

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Seems like you've gotten a pretty shitty start of life, that's gonna be tough to overcome. Even tougher still being without financial means. I know how that is like, I know what it's like just knowing you don't have a future and thinking of ending it because, why exist when you have no means to exist? I mean, you can't exist without means to exist.

If there are any free activities around, I'd suggest trying to figure out what's available to you. Exercise, volunteer work, therapy. Whatever the option, try to get some of it. Being isolated will make it worse. Connections can save your life.

I'd definitively say that teacher abused you and you're a victim of that. You're making excuses of her behalf, which is common among victims, they try to understand their abuser through their own understanding of reality. They try to understand what would make the abuser behave like that. Problem is, those people are not like you or me. They try to make that impression, they use any excuse in the book, they blame mental illnesses, childhoods, being the victim themselves. But stop and think for a minute. You were a victim, do you feel compelled to ruin another human being the way you were ruined? No. Having a diagnosis or a shitty past does not give a free pass to abuse and destroy others, neither does it explain any need to do so.

Edit: Oh btw, don't drink to fix your problems, but because it wont. It will only mask them. Some go on to compensate their problems by drinking too much. Some end up with a drinking problem in addition to what the hell mattered with them before. Sure, for a few people it might help, but the risk is pretty big here, you might end up psychologically dependent.
 

peoplesuck

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Seems like you've gotten a pretty shitty start of life, that's gonna be tough to overcome. Even tougher still being without financial means. I know how that is like, I know what it's like just knowing you don't have a future and thinking of ending it because, why exist when you have no means to exist? I mean, you can't exist without means to exist.

If there are any free activities around, I'd suggest trying to figure out what's available to you. Exercise, volunteer work, therapy. Whatever the option, try to get some of it. Being isolated will make it worse. Connections can save your life.

I'd definitively say that teacher abused you and you're a victim of that. You're making excuses of her behalf, which is common among victims, they try to understand their abuser through their own understanding of reality. They try to understand what would make the abuser behave like that. Problem is, those people are not like you or me. They try to make that impression, they use any excuse in the book, they blame mental illnesses, childhoods, being the victim themselves. But stop and think for a minute. You were a victim, do you feel compelled to ruin another human being the way you were ruined? No. Having a diagnosis or a shitty past does not give a free pass to abuse and destroy others, neither does it explain any need to do so.

Edit: Oh btw, don't drink to fix your problems, but because it wont. It will only mask them. Some go on to compensate their problems by drinking too much. Some end up with a drinking problem in addition to what the hell mattered with them before. Sure, for a few people it might help, but the risk is pretty big here, you might end up psychologically dependent.
Im trying to make an effort to get out of the house, getting a job and making some kind of life. I downloaded one of those friend meet up/do things-apps it was pretty barren and while searching for it I found at least 15 or 20 other apps just like it for certain types of individuals, blacks, feminists, gays, lesbians. Its quite sad to see so many. I have a huge flaw in my mindset of wanting to skip steps and just be better, it makes getting better more difficult. I do have a few friends but we are nothing alike, so I don't spend much time with them, maybe I should. One of my friends I am somewhat close to has a daughter who I used to really enjoy spending time with, fulfilling some parental urge to nurture something, she used to love being around me and spending time with me. She got molested about a year ago and now she's scared of men, including me. She still really likes me and sometimes calls me dad despite being told not to, but it feels weird now. I have a younger nephew but for some reason I don't bond with males, and I notice I treat him like my dad treated me, with no real emotion. It's sad but I don't know if I can change that, If you google "why cant I bond with the same sex" or anything similar there aren't any real answers. Im not sure the teacher intentionally abused me or not, I would say it was her life falling apart mixed with her personality disorder. Saying I understand is not the same as saying its ok, because it wasn't. I was making excuses for her and I realize that now. As far as drinking goes, If I cannot socialize or build friendships without it, then I either become dependent or suffer. that mindset is assuming I cannot make friends without it, which is not true, its just much more difficult. The only way I see alcohol helping is like a jump start.
 

moody

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Saying I understand is not the same as saying its ok, because it wasn't. I was making excuses for her and I realize that now.
It’s huge that you can see that. I’m so glad for you! I also know from personal experiences that understanding something will not change the way it’s effected you. Your emotions are just as valid, and try to talk yourself past them only makes them damage you more.

As far as drinking goes, If I cannot socialize or build friendships without it, then I either become dependent or suffer. that mindset is assuming I cannot make friends without it, which is not true, its just much more difficult. The only way I see alcohol helping is like a jump start.
Do whatever you can to stop relying on alcohol for socializing. It will make it harder to become social at all. You’re already relying on it. Take it from the child of a “high functioning” alcoholic, if nothing else. Relying on it will eventually make you unreachable to anyone.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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I don't know how much of yous suffered from alcoholism but I think everyone's getting side tracked. @peoplesuck has drunk once if I'm not mistaken, some people when they start drinking are silly with it, I don't see how that's a problem and why we should be honing in on alcoholism after one night. It can be socially addicting if you wish to call it that but it isn't physically addictive in the context that cigarettes, stimulants and opoids are.

It's unprecedented.
 

peoplesuck

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Saying I understand is not the same as saying its ok, because it wasn't. I was making excuses for her and I realize that now.
It’s huge that you can see that. I’m so glad for you! I also know from personal experiences that understanding something will not change the way it’s effected you. Your emotions are just as valid, and try to talk yourself past them only makes them damage you more.

As far as drinking goes, If I cannot socialize or build friendships without it, then I either become dependent or suffer. that mindset is assuming I cannot make friends without it, which is not true, its just much more difficult. The only way I see alcohol helping is like a jump start.
Do whatever you can to stop relying on alcohol for socializing. It will make it harder to become social at all. You’re already relying on it. Take it from the child of a “high functioning” alcoholic, if nothing else. Relying on it will eventually make you unreachable to anyone.
I actually might need to rely on it just to get to the point of wanting to socialize. anxiety makes life difficult
 

moody

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I don't know how much of yous suffered from alcoholism but I think everyone's getting side tracked. @peoplesuck has drunk once if I'm not mistaken, some people when they start drinking are silly with it, I don't see how that's a problem and why we should be honing in on alcoholism after one night. It can be socially addicting if you wish to call it that but it isn't physically addictive in the context that cigarettes, stimulants and opoids are.

It's unprecedented.
It's more of a passionate very preemptive warning than calling him an addict waiting to happen. I've been around a few people who treat it as a bit of liquid courage as well, but all it really does is make them interrupt and become more rude, everyone else is too polite to blatantly point it out as annoying, and it ends up just making their social skills/awareness worse.

Also, you're in the UK... I may be stereotyping, but isn't it more normal for people to drink more readily in all social things? A friend of mine who studied abroad there said the friends she made went out drinking every night. I'm probably biased because I've yet to see it solve a problem. Alcoholic, drunk or not, it perpetuates negative thinking. Not always the best thing if you have a problem with negative thinking.

I actually might need to rely on it just to get to the point of wanting to socialize. anxiety makes life difficult
I know you said you're tight on money and can't afford meds, but have you ever tried beta blockers? Anxiety is a huge thing among musicians, and I have a few friends who really like them. If marijuana is legal in your state, a bit little could help with anxiety as well. For people going through severe depression, I've heard taking shrooms just once or twice worked miracles.

This may sound hypocritical of me, given my stance on alcohol...but I've just not seen that yield great results when the motivation is to wean your anxiety. It's a depressant. (Referring to non-alcoholics, for clarity's sake).

Non drug related things that may help: yoga and meditation. I know that sounds lame, but sometimes doing a physical/breathing/focused activity in a shared space helps you relax way more than trying to discipline your thinking when you're alone with yourself.
Being alone with others can be better sometimes.
 

Rebis

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It's more of a passionate very preemptive warning than calling him an addict waiting to happen. I've been around a few people who treat it as a bit of liquid courage as well, but all it really does is make them interrupt and become more rude, everyone else is too polite to blatantly point it out as annoying, and it ends up just making their social skills/awareness worse.

Also, you're in the UK... I may be stereotyping, but isn't it more normal for people to drink more readily in all social things? A friend of mine who studied abroad there said the friends she made went out drinking every night. I'm probably biased because I've yet to see it solve a problem. Alcoholic, drunk or not, it perpetuates negative thinking. Not always the best thing if you have a problem with negative thinking.
There is a cultural disparity, I forget the study but in the UK people binge drink 51.2 times a year (which is once a week, quite common.). I understand your train of thought but typically people only drink with other like minded individuals so there's no analysis of people's behaviour unless it's extreme. Not too sure about the social skills thing but it is a vector for social events that's for sure. If we had better weather in the summer or snow in the winter, or even a temperate spring we wouldn't be drinking much.

When I drink I get a huge increase in blood sugar levels which puts me in an obscenely happy mood, you could see it as manic happiness. Given alcohol is an effective SSRI in this respect you can see where the feeling emerges from. If I drunk a lot I'd have a hangover the next day mind you, but when I'm drinking I rarely feel negative. With frequency it would perpetuate negative thinking, yeah.

It's also a habit of colder countries to drink and consume more drugs, could be linked to cognition (People in colder climates typically have bigger brains, that neanderthal gene spreading around europe), combined with a lack of vitamin D and a diet devoid of Tryptophan and you've got a relative solution inside a bottle of alcohol for the lack of serotonin and the bleak perspective on life.
 

higs

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Well if it makes ypu feel any better lots of women are freaked out by interractions with the opposite sex. I for example went most of high school not talking to anyone XY chromosomed (with a few brief exceptions) because relations between the genders just felt too loaded and weird and awkward. If I found someone attractive I was even instinctively aggressive in pushing them away because their whole presence was just a total ordeal. Even worse if I could sense they were attracted to me in return. I am perhaps quite extreme but I know for sure that many females feel awkward around that time as well, even if they superficially project confidence. I would say the truly at ease ones are rare. Idk I think maybe by thinking of them as different than you because you're distracted by hormones and physical reactions you're forgetting that they also have tons of socially conscious fears. You'll get better no doubt. I do validate the advice of forming relationships of a platonic kind, or without the goal of sex in mind. I think if I hadn't been hung up on that aspect and ambiguity, I would have gotten over my awkwardness sooner.
 

higs

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PS : I think Adaire was just trying to lighten the mood, I doubt her goal was to put u down
 

peoplesuck

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Well if it makes ypu feel any better lots of women are freaked out by interractions with the opposite sex. I for example went most of high school not talking to anyone XY chromosomed (with a few brief exceptions) because relations between the genders just felt too loaded and weird and awkward. If I found someone attractive I was even instinctively aggressive in pushing them away because their whole presence was just a total ordeal. Even worse if I could sense they were attracted to me in return. I am perhaps quite extreme but I know for sure that many females feel awkward around that time as well, even if they superficially project confidence. I would say the truly at ease ones are rare. Idk I think maybe by thinking of them as different than you because you're distracted by hormones and physical reactions you're forgetting that they also have tons of socially conscious fears. You'll get better no doubt. I do validate the advice of forming relationships of a platonic kind, or without the goal of sex in mind. I think if I hadn't been hung up on that aspect and ambiguity, I would have gotten over my awkwardness sooner.
Im the same way, avoiding them has just drawn this out. its way harder for a guy since women never take the first step, at least where I live they don't. I understand Adaire wasn't mocking me I was just in a bad mood.
 

peoplesuck

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I have been in a rut for a while now, since I lost my job I cannot pursue the career I wanted. I want to flip cars, I have learned enough now, I just need to get a bit of start up money. I should have already had the ball rolling but I got kinda shafted with one of my cars. I always admired those guys who taught themselves how to build cars from taking them apart, I suppose i'm one of them now. I never take the time to celebrate stuff, as soon as i complete my goal i'm already planning for the next task, it takes away from the accomplishments, I should stop doing that. I'm going to stop doing that.
Im also proud of the fact that I haven't become too bitter, many guys in my position hate women.
 

Rebis

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I have been in a rut for a while now, since I lost my job I cannot pursue the career I wanted. I want to flip cars, I have learned enough now, I just need to get a bit of start up money. I should have already had the ball rolling but I got kinda shafted with one of my cars. I always admired those guys who taught themselves how to build cars from taking them apart, I suppose i'm one of them now. I never take the time to celebrate stuff, as soon as i complete my goal i'm already planning for the next task, it takes away from the accomplishments, I should stop doing that. I'm going to stop doing that.
Im also proud of the fact that I haven't become too bitter, many guys in my position hate women.
I personally think that's a good personality to have. Don't relish in your pride, keep learning and focus on developing yourself. A lot of people stop achieving when they relish in their achievements, it's kinda like sentimentality. If it's particularly intense do have a break, but life is one big problem so you should always be on your toes, it never be over fam.

Get.Dis.Bread.
 

peoplesuck

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Like, I asked a bunch of random people online for help, and got help.
 

redbaron

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rejection is an expected and important part of growing up
 

Kormak

The IT barbarian - eNTP - 6w7-4-8 so/sx
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View attachment 4684
Like, I asked a bunch of random people online for help, and got help.
I like my girls like my women
And my women like my girls
With ice cream on their ass
And my dick in their world
I ain't fuckin' around
I'm serious as school teachers
I got 31 flavors to make you a believer, baby...

My job here is done proudface.jpg

Lol is that from youtube rewind?
 

peoplesuck

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peoplesuck

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I did it! I met a girl and we hung out for about 10 minutes. Then we cuddled for 7or 8 hours straight.
4724
I did not think I could replenish my oxytocin in one day. I was wrong. My brain feels worse than a hang over, the way my brain used to feel when I studied swedish for 5 hours every day.
4725
I feel completely fucking fried. It was cool though, she was very nice and she warmed up to me in minutes. At first it was warm and fuzzy, by the end I kinda felt dead inside but satisfied? she was very easy to offend though, maybe ive spent too much time around offensive people? it was quite odd the way she acted once we started cuddling, she got very quiet and gentle, by the end I was too. :o im human ermergerd. oh and she just sent me a text that was clearly to her friend, she didnt like me. lol idgaf at this point Im effection-ed out. anyways progress! im so exhausted, im going to bed
I cant sleep my head hurts too much. ugh in what world do you spend 7 hours being intimate with someone and turn around and treat them like shit? My mind is blown. Next time a girl tells me she is crazy im not going to laugh and take it as a joke, im going to agree and fucking leave. If i had actually felt a connection with her my self esteem would be in tatters right about now. I fear this is one of the hypersensitive gen z snowflake people Rebis was talking about. Woww I honestly think I will die if someone's skin touches me. my brain is so overloaded from socializing and touching for 7 hours. never again. this is so much worse than a hangover.
also I tried to leave multiple times and she told me no you have to stay with me, bitch if you dont like me wtf are you doing? LOL I need to socialize more to remind myself why I dont socialize more. peoplesuck
I know all people arent like that but im completely blown away by the level of hypocrisy this girl is achieving. I slightly offend you on accident and now you are going to be rude to me intentionally? I shake my head, what even is this generation of people.
my head stopped hurting, I think I just sat still for too long. :cat:
 

Rebis

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I did it! I met a girl and we hung out for about 10 minutes. Then we cuddled for 7or 8 hours straight. I did not think I could replenish my oxytocin in one day. I was wrong. My brain feels worse than a hang over, the way my brain used to feel when I studied swedish for 5 hours every day. I feel completely fucking fried. It was cool though, she was very nice and she warmed up to me in minutes. At first it was warm and fuzzy, by the end I kinda felt dead inside but satisfied? she was very easy to offend though, maybe ive spent too much time around offensive people? it was quite odd the way she acted once we started cuddling, she got very quiet and gentle, by the end I was too. :o im human ermergerd. oh and she just sent me a text that was clearly to her friend, she didnt like me. lol idgaf at this point Im effection-ed out. anyways progress! im so exhausted, im going to bed
I cant sleep my head hurts too much. ugh in what world do you spend 7 hours being intimate with someone and turn around and treat them like shit? My mind is blown. Next time a girl tells me she is crazy im not going to laugh and take it as a joke, im going to agree and fucking leave. If i had actually felt a connection with her my self esteem would be in tatters right about now. I fear this is one of the hypersensitive gen z snowflake people Rebis was talking about. Woww I honestly think I will die if someone's skin touches me. my brain is so overloaded from socializing and touching for 7 hours. never again. this is so much worse than a hangover.
also I tried to leave multiple times and she told me no you have to stay with me, bitch if you dont like me wtf are you doing? LOL I need to socialize more to remind myself why I dont socialize more. peoplesuck
I know all people arent like that but im completely blown away by the level of hypocrisy this girl is achieving. I slightly offend you on accident and now you are going to be rude to me intentionally? I shake my head, what even is this generation of people.
my head stopped hurting, I think I just sat still for too long. :cat:
Sorry to hear! Honestly, just maybe it was because you cuddled for 7-8 hours? When I was 18 (virgin) I went out with a friend of mine who was 20, she definitely crushed on me. It always took me a while to become attracted to someone, she was the "faster gun in the west" so to speak.We went out to a club then ended up at hers but since I was inexperienced nothing happened, we cuddled for ages but the next day and after she obviously knew I was inexperienced and I could sense her lack of interest. Over time we were friends, I liked her a bit so I'd be mildly flirty (the type you'd detect from the insecure) and she wouldn't respond as rapidly. Anyways, move on a few years to like a month ago: She came back from america, we met on halloween and ended up hooking up. The cycle of confidence: She liked a lot more than I reciprocated, I seem uninterested (because of my lack of experience) so she moved on. I grew fond of her over a while and started to like her a bit, she had already sunk the effort in so didn't reciprocate and probably didn't see me in that way anymore. And then recently after I kept messaging her the balance of the scales were equal and we hooked up.

Maybe she kept saying to stay because that's where it was going to lead, but after the 7-8 hours kinda confirmed it wasn't happening? Recently I've been doing a lot of things that help with dopamine retention, mainly NoFap, a lot of exercise and at the moment caffeine as I'm waiting on my shipment for modaf. When I'm in an intense emotional situation and it goes south because of the other party I'm usually annoyed for a day or two but I let it subside, an INTP interpreting emotions is super taxing. With Nofap there's a few benefits: Namely the dopaminergic retention you get from a lack of a superstimulus such as porn, increased testosterone levels, a detachment of females as an object of sex (which is what occurs in porn) to one where you actively pursue and interact with them.

Other benefits listed: http://the-benefits.com/nofap-benefits/

I suggest keep the energy you had for her initially, try to move it to others while you're confidence/ displaying affection is high. Unless she texts you back that decides her interest, try to talk to others but bringing the same level of sensitivity and confidence.

If she's Gen Z snowflake it is so, so hard to deal with. I would stay away with a ten foot pool, they will dislike you for reasons you wouldn't expect: I legitimately felt they ignored me because they thought I was the only straight man in a group of 20 but after someone asking about gay interactions I said I slept with a few guys and honestly I could see at the moment that I legitimately got a brownie point. That is so crazy, immediate change of behaviour from ignoring me to "Wow, this guy is a good person! let's listen to him :) ". This happens with all groups of course, we accept or deny individuals on personal interest but I think snowflake groups are the worst: They value, well "values" that aren't really behavioural. You have had bisexual relationships? Wow, gold star. You're foreign? Wow, gold star. You're autistic? Wow, I never understood.

Instead of practicing what they preach which is liberalism, everyone's equal, they've flipped that on their heads and relentlessly disassociated with any average person that isn't oppressed preferring to concentrate power on those that are oppressed. Average is bad, Oppressed is good but through that they just oppress people who are just being themselves, and befriending those who are probably just being themselves too. It is whack.
 

peoplesuck

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I did it! I met a girl and we hung out for about 10 minutes. Then we cuddled for 7or 8 hours straight. I did not think I could replenish my oxytocin in one day. I was wrong. My brain feels worse than a hang over, the way my brain used to feel when I studied swedish for 5 hours every day. I feel completely fucking fried. It was cool though, she was very nice and she warmed up to me in minutes. At first it was warm and fuzzy, by the end I kinda felt dead inside but satisfied? she was very easy to offend though, maybe ive spent too much time around offensive people? it was quite odd the way she acted once we started cuddling, she got very quiet and gentle, by the end I was too. :o im human ermergerd. oh and she just sent me a text that was clearly to her friend, she didnt like me. lol idgaf at this point Im effection-ed out. anyways progress! im so exhausted, im going to bed
I cant sleep my head hurts too much. ugh in what world do you spend 7 hours being intimate with someone and turn around and treat them like shit? My mind is blown. Next time a girl tells me she is crazy im not going to laugh and take it as a joke, im going to agree and fucking leave. If i had actually felt a connection with her my self esteem would be in tatters right about now. I fear this is one of the hypersensitive gen z snowflake people Rebis was talking about. Woww I honestly think I will die if someone's skin touches me. my brain is so overloaded from socializing and touching for 7 hours. never again. this is so much worse than a hangover.
also I tried to leave multiple times and she told me no you have to stay with me, bitch if you dont like me wtf are you doing? LOL I need to socialize more to remind myself why I dont socialize more. peoplesuck
I know all people arent like that but im completely blown away by the level of hypocrisy this girl is achieving. I slightly offend you on accident and now you are going to be rude to me intentionally? I shake my head, what even is this generation of people.
my head stopped hurting, I think I just sat still for too long. :cat:
Sorry to hear! Honestly, just maybe it was because you cuddled for 7-8 hours? When I was 18 (virgin) I went out with a friend of mine who was 20, she definitely crushed on me. It always took me a while to become attracted to someone, she was the "faster gun in the west" so to speak.We went out to a club then ended up at hers but since I was inexperienced nothing happened, we cuddled for ages but the next day and after she obviously knew I was inexperienced and I could sense her lack of interest. Over time we were friends, I liked her a bit so I'd be mildly flirty (the type you'd detect from the insecure) and she wouldn't respond as rapidly. Anyways, move on a few years to like a month ago: She came back from america, we met on halloween and ended up hooking up.

Maybe she kept saying to stay because that's where it was going to lead, but after the 7-8 hours kinda confirmed it wasn't happening?
Toward the end she said she was surprised I didnt try anything. I thought it was a platonic hang out but I can definitely see how I could have misunderstood. Either way her response wasnt really warranted. I replied to her text with" oof that bad huh" and she basically just said leave me alone, that I was bothering her. If it were a regular date I definitely would have made some moves, again I thought it was just platonic hanging out. I would have to say you are probably right and she is mad I didnt do anything. I actually had not considered she wanted me to make moves on her... I have a lot to learn. Im not upset about it, It was a good first test run. I learned I have a few really annoying habits around women, or in general. I say hmm every 1minute or so, along with being a bit too playful. also I called her "man" a few times.
 

Rebis

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Toward the end she said she was surprised I didnt try anything. I thought it was a platonic hang out but I can definitely see how I could have misunderstood. Either way her response wasnt really warranted. I replied to her text with" oof that bad huh" and she basically just said leave me alone, that I was bothering her. If it were a regular date I definitely would have made some moves, again I thought it was just platonic hanging out. I would have to say you are probably right and she is mad I didnt do anything. I actually had not considered she wanted me to make moves on her... I have a lot to learn. Im not upset about it, It was a good first test run. I learned I have a few really annoying habits around women, or in general. I say hmm every 1minute or so, along with being a bit too playful. also I called her "man" a few times.
Oh damnn sonn, yeah it might be hard to revive that one, so keep the energy/affection you had for her, forget about the negative outcome and try and find someone else while the experience remains relevant.
 

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Toward the end she said she was surprised I didnt try anything. I thought it was a platonic hang out but I can definitely see how I could have misunderstood. Either way her response wasnt really warranted. I replied to her text with" oof that bad huh" and she basically just said leave me alone, that I was bothering her. If it were a regular date I definitely would have made some moves, again I thought it was just platonic hanging out. I would have to say you are probably right and she is mad I didnt do anything. I actually had not considered she wanted me to make moves on her... I have a lot to learn. Im not upset about it, It was a good first test run. I learned I have a few really annoying habits around women, or in general. I say hmm every 1minute or so, along with being a bit too playful. also I called her "man" a few times.
Oh damnn sonn, yeah it might be hard to revive that one, so keep the energy/affection you had for her, forget about the negative outcome and try and find someone else while the experience remains relevant.
yes that one is indeed gone. No worries, progress has been made. At one point she was on top of me and the only thing I could think was, "im doing so well". what a laugh, Im in a good mood, I feel a bit feverish, my whole body is kinda fragile feeling. I really dont want to touch anyone else for a long time, my oxytocin levels are too damn high. For what ever reason she kept smushing her face against my chest and breathing me in like a pervert in an anime, I asked what she was doing and she said she wasnt smelling me, she couldnt smell.. the whole time she stayed like 2 inches from my face as well. Once we started cuddling all my anxiety went away, and it stayed gone. Im curious to see how the cuddle session affects my mood over the next few days.

So a google search revealed that the sniffing thing is totally normal, It means our genetics compliment each other and my scent made her feel safe and horny, I guess. I really was wondering why she kept sniffing me, one would think taking a shower and wearing clean clothes wouldnt leave much of a scent. 0_o
 

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Tomorrow im going on a date for the first time in about 2 or 3 years. It will be the second date I have ever been on. Im not actually scared though, I seem to have become much more social since my cuddle session. Speaking of which, my social anxiety is almost completely gone. I havent been depressed since, I feel like thats half, me internalizing actually making progress, half hormones. This girl doesnt seem very emotionally mature, she also has a bit of a victim complex. Im not sure if I should call it off due to that, or just stop being so god damned picky, seriously how could I consider that, at this point? I think if she is nice and wiling to grow, maybe It will work. Blaming everything on others is probably my biggest pet peeve, probably because thats how I used to be. I think its wrong to use someone as a stepping stone, and I feel like that might be what im doing. we have similar interests though, not like the healthiest ones, but she enjoys some normie escapism habits that I enjoy. It sounds like a train wreck but at this point im almost willing to hop aboard, if it means growing. That may not be fair to say though, I dont know her. I want to be extremely careful not to do anything that implies a relationship before I give the entp a shot, she is much more like me. She isnt emotionally immature either, when I asked her what her deepest fears where, they were serious and deep. meanwhile the other girl said spiders... maybe she felt uncomfortable sharing that sort of thing. The entp girl does scare me, I fear that im going to set myself up to make a fool of myself. It would actually hurt to be shot down by someone I like, on a personal level. Im a bit upset I found her at this point in my life, but really thats moronic, considering how immature I used to be, I would rather not wait until im a buddhist master to find the right one. Maybe a large effort and communication can allow me to avoid the pitfalls ahead. I have more confidence in myself now, but with this generation people just ghost each other when they see something they dont like. The grass is always greener, or at least thats what everyone is telling themselves. Speaking of ghosting, what a horrible way to end a relationship, the other person never learns what they did wrong, never allowing them to learn from their mistakes. Im realizing im attracted to nurturing women, moms, gross. that realization could have definitely waited a bit longer. Busy people scare me too, thats essentially how I was ghosted, their work was top of their priority list. I understand that, but at the same time we are all human, I dont like the idea of putting money ahead of others. I guess im a bleeding heart, hypersensitive, weirdo. I noticed the things that make me look like someone else, are attractive. I wonder if its healthy to change yourself in order to accept yourself, or is that terrible? or is that just personalization? Im not sure but I just filed my nails for the first time, and I feel more grown up than when I got my first job, the 12 year old in me had a giggle. In arranged marriages, the happiness was lower than people who chose, at the 2 year mark the graph changes, and the arranged marriages are happier. the world would be a better place if people knew that. Stop trying to find your perfect partner, find someone and work together to be the best versions of yourselves.
Edit: the person has to be wiling to grow and be understanding, I wasnt saying grab the first human that will fuck you.
sincerely, Ya boi, the virgin



baby steps count too.
 

Rebis

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Cool beans dude, can I ask what your name is?
A nickname should suffice, I just can't call you peoplesuck :/

Perception changes the outlook: To use someone as a stepping stone seems selfish, but if you want to grow and you're interested in them then go ahead. They probably used someone to grow, or rather two individuals came together and both parties grew, but maybe yours is more pronounced/important.

Knock it out of the water, keep at it until you integrate the experience into your soul. Compartmentalize that anxiety. You might get an insurgence of arrogance because of this drastic change like a 5 year old who was home alone for a whole day drunk on his newfound power, but that's ok. I'm sure you'll be able to regulate yourself. Do try to keep your self-esteem high through this point of condensed growth, without it infringing on your personality. The more experience you have under your belt the less sensitive you will be, exposure therapy and all that jazz.

I think ENTPs, even if you get hurt will be good for inhibiting your emotions. You are quite sensitive, which is good, but we must try to balance the properties we have. For the emotionless it is to feel, for the sensitive it is to show restraint.

You got it, dawg. I kinda miss the dog with the glasses photo, send it to me sometime.
 

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I seriously cannot put my finger on you, youre confusing.
btw life is too short for apostrophes
Cool beans dude, can I ask what your name is?
A nickname should suffice, I just can't call you peoplesuck :/
My typical alias is Aru, someone called me peoples for a while, that always reminded me of little 9yo me talking like a thug.
Perception changes the outlook: To use someone as a stepping stone seems selfish, but if you want to grow and you're interested in them then go ahead. They probably used someone to grow, or rather two individuals came together and both parties grew, but maybe yours is more pronounced/important.
I suppose if I put all my effort into making it work, without being a doormat, the outcome doesnt matter much, if I tried. I refuse to be a bad person because its whats hip, that doesnt work for me.
Knock it out of the water, keep at it until you integrate the experience into your soul. Compartmentalize that anxiety. You might get an insurgence of arrogance because of this drastic change like a 5 year old who was home alone for a whole day drunk on his newfound power, but that's ok. I'm sure you'll be able to regulate yourself. Do try to keep your self-esteem high through this point of condensed growth, without it infringing on your personality. The more experience you have under your belt the less sensitive you will be, exposure therapy and all that jazz.
I agree, im not sure I could become arrogant, I think im a bit to conscious of that sort of thing. Im tryna get all that exposure therapy, pain is gain, my dude.
I think ENTPs, even if you get hurt will be good for inhibiting your emotions. You are quite sensitive, which is good, but we must try to balance the properties we have. For the emotionless it is to feel, for the sensitive it is to show restraint.
I agree, entp girl is more personal growth and risk, the other girl is sort of just safe. I will postpone judgment until Ive thought about it. I kinda fear Ive been waiting this long and im going to give out in the last 20ft of the race. I will kick my own ass if I am weak.
I kinda just want someone to nurture me, like for 5 minutes can we just be compassionate and not attack me, or hurt me, please?
I agree we have to work on out weakness,s. yo commas are inverted apostrophes, neat.
You got it, dawg. I kinda miss the dog with the glasses photo, send it to me sometime.
I have changed and you must accept that. Im joking ofc but I actually felt like I had the dog picture and same signiture long enough for that to be "me". I like this one more though, I almost look like this avatar btw, minus the weak jaw, pale skin, k I lied, but shes cute.
 

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So that you understand me better, just know I do everything the hard way, and sometimes its just cuz
 

Rebis

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What about poop? I take the easy way if I'm honest

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peoplesuck

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Holly shit this was lattes avatar, wtf happened to him/her. everyone I love has disappeared. take me, dark void
BTW on aru, the r is rolled. I will know if you arent reading it as a rolled r. :phear:
 

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I would be so much better off if I didnt live with crazy people. My whole family is just a bunch of super controlling abusive people. My mom is the exception, but we dont have a real bond, thats what happens when you never see your child. You are replaced. I wonder what it is actually like to look up to your parents. I dont like expressing myself, and im in an environment where I cant really practice. I need to start making patents and get the fuck out of this place. Half of me wants to pull ahead and be productive, while half of me wants to just fade away, Im stuck in the middle. Im being a pitiful bitch, and I dont even care. I really need to learn to express myself, I guess there isnt a question of where it came from, my lack of expression. Its a sort of coping strategy, to not offend people, with my existence. I dont feel I can regulate myself well enough, I would just get loud and belligerent, possibly destructive. Its shitty when your parents are the ones that make you feel this way. I want to break things, thats very therapeutic for me. Ive only ever been destructive once in the last 4 or so years. I sort of just grabbed a huge wooden cutting board and started destroying everything. That may sound terrible but it was one of the least destructive ways to calm down. If anyone cared enough I would have been hospitalized, if anyone knew that is. I decided to smash things rather than burn down the house, on a whim. I need to develop some kind of coping strategy, in that case there wasnt any time, Things went from 0 to 100 too fast, or maybe I repressed everything too well, then it all came out at once. I was alone, nobody was there, I laid on the couch crying for about 4 days straight, nobody knew. That was the only time I have been suicidal. I think this is why I overshare so much, its my literally only outlet. If someone finds out, well, now they know.
Im not sure why am sharing this, but I guess its more for me, some kind of history of my mental state. Ive been slacking on the things I desperately need to do to stay level. I still havent figured out whats wrong with my heart, maybe tomorrow I will go to a different emergency room. It makes me crazy to be inactive for too long.
Id like to know what it feels like to know you're cared for, To have someone to go to when you hurt, to have someone at all. people make me sad, this is why I like to be alone. When I feel like this it just makes me mad at myself, for being so pathetic that I keep ending up in the same place, not putting in enough effort. I dont need anyone telling me im being pitiful, I know.
 

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Something strange though, when I was suicidal, the day I was going to kill myself, when I realized that I would die, the whole world felt different, new, like when I was a kid. It was very strange, I though, if im going to die I should do something fun before I do. I thought of silly things, normal things. starting a conversation with a stranger, walking my dog, etc. I wonder how you would explain that, biologically.
I didnt end up killing myself because I didnt want to go to the store to get the supplies, I believe its referred to as motor retardation. So alas, I live. Maybe there is a god, and it put me here to bitch and moan.
I feel better now. I know my purpose. Bitching and moaning. I think im going to become a feminist and go to school for womens studies, and talk about the gender pay gap, tell people they cannot say things because I know a person who was affected by something.While im at it I should probably watch fox news so I can bitch and moan about how evil x candidate is being portrayed. Go to rallies and vote based of biased media, never listening to the actual person Im voting against. While im at it I need some attention, so maybe I will be transgender, and act like a feral raccoon when people say the wrong pronoun, despite that being understandable, I will pretend like its the most hateful thing you could say. Also I should stop being so judgmental and be sensitive to all the special snowflakes. we are all snowflakes we all deserve snowflake treatment. ugh, I make me laugh.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Only reading this last page I can't help but see a budding relationship and a story of true love where Rebis and peoples find love in eachothers words, climaxing with them climaxing after performing deeply intimate coitus, both of them applying the lessons they've shared with eachother and deep in thought about how to court and find the perfect gal, peoples finally being able to trully connect with someone, someone he can rely on that gets him.

No. Jokes are easy for me to make as someone who has shared very little. Ik it's all anonymous, but seeing as this is your community, it takes some stones to admit shortcomings and flaws. We're all growing all the time, there is no shame in it, your shortcomings may seem pathetic to you but that only because it's socializing with the opposite gender, something a lot of people got used to doing at some other point in their lives, and not for noble reasons. Just like your you're focusing on this aspect in your life rn, before you were honed in on some different aspect of your life. It's really hard to be an architect of your own being and it's a skill we're all improving on. (hopefully?) It takes a lot of multitasking, and you as an intp have a lot of different priorities. Theres no such thing as waking up and being good at something. Pretty soon you're going to fucking lose this "exposure therapy" crutch fucking thrive my dude.

Your the fucking man dude bro
 

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I wonder if I really got that upset or if it was attention seeking, the way a child acts hurt to test new parental figures. I wouldnt expect a response this late. I ended up talking to one of my two love interests and she had a shit day as well, we sort of bonded over it. oof why is someone responding this late.
Edit let it be known I was typing this as this man guy, fucking posts, at 2am, after I specifically say nobody is going to respond.
 

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Only reading this last page I can't help but see a budding relationship and a story of true love where Rebis and peoples find love in eachothers words, climaxing with them climaxing after performing deeply intimate coitus, both of them applying the lessons they've shared with eachother and deep in thought about how to court and find the perfect gal, peoples finally being able to trully connect with someone, someone he can rely on that gets him.
thats hilarious, I dont think I have taught rebis anything though.
No. Jokes are easy for me to make as someone who has shared very little. Ik it's all anonymous, but seeing as this is your community, it takes some stones to admit shortcomings and flaws. We're all growing all the time, there is no shame in it, your shortcomings may seem pathetic to you but that only because it's socializing with the opposite gender, something a lot of people got used to doing at some other point in their lives, and not for noble reasons. Just like your focusing on this aspect in your life rn, before you were honed in on some different aspect of your life. It's really hard to be an architect of your own being and it's a skill we're all improving on. (hopefully?) It takes a lot of multitasking, and you as an intp have a lot of different priorities. Theres no such thing as waking up and being good at something. Pretty soon you're going to fucking lose this "exposure therapy" crutch fucking thrive my dude.
You make good points, perhaps this thread can be a list of responses to my insecurities. The type of thing you typically make alone, for yourself.
Im not sure if your trying to imitate rebis, but its coming off that way and it made me laugh, thanks.
Your the fucking man dude bro
I needed to hear this brother man. thank you.
 

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EndogenousRebel

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I wonder if I really got that upset or if it was attention seeking, the way a child acts hurt to test new parental figures. I wouldnt expect a response this late. I ended up talking to one of my two love interests and she had a shit day as well, we sort of bonded over it. oof why is someone responding this late.
Edit let it be known I was typing this as this man guy, fucking posts, at 2am, after I specifically say nobody is going to respond.
Who fucking cares, it helps to express yourself. If you can't tell yourself how you feel how are you going to tell other people??? wtf did I just write. You putting it out into the physical world defines a problem I would say. Sorry for shooking you, but then again, you're also responding this late. I'm just being stubborn and not sleeping for some reason, so I checked the forum out.

Only reading this last page I can't help but see a budding relationship and a story of true love where Rebis and peoples find love in eachothers words, climaxing with them climaxing after performing deeply intimate coitus, both of them applying the lessons they've shared with eachother and deep in thought about how to court and find the perfect gal, peoples finally being able to trully connect with someone, someone he can rely on that gets him.
thats hilarious, I dont think I have taught rebis anything though.
Not yet :xen-wink: (these emojis are fucking disgusting)

No. Jokes are easy for me to make as someone who has shared very little. Ik it's all anonymous, but seeing as this is your community, it takes some stones to admit shortcomings and flaws. We're all growing all the time, there is no shame in it, your shortcomings may seem pathetic to you but that only because it's socializing with the opposite gender, something a lot of people got used to doing at some other point in their lives, and not for noble reasons. Just like your focusing on this aspect in your life rn, before you were honed in on some different aspect of your life. It's really hard to be an architect of your own being and it's a skill we're all improving on. (hopefully?) It takes a lot of multitasking, and you as an intp have a lot of different priorities. Theres no such thing as waking up and being good at something. Pretty soon you're going to fucking lose this "exposure therapy" crutch fucking thrive my dude.
You make good points, perhaps this thread can be a list of responses to my insecurities. The type of thing you typically make alone, for yourself.
Im not sure if your trying to imitate rebis, but its coming off that way and it made me laugh, thanks.
We can create glued together rationalizations of anything, save except for maybe the fact that we're in an existential and solipsistic nightmare. The only thing that I feel remedies that is the fact that we're all in this shit together, something that I feel might not be so apparent to you. So let me remind you that you are not alone fren.

Your the fucking man dude bro
I needed to hear this brother man. thank you.
The manliest dootiest broest
 

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I can teach rebis how to be a gray man. Im the master, fren, been training my whole life to be a gray and a man.
Who fucking cares, it helps to express yourself. If you can't tell yourself how you feel how are you going to tell other people??? wtf did I just write. You putting it out into the physical world defines a problem I would say. Sorry for shooking you, but then again, you're also responding this late. I'm just being stubborn and not sleeping for some reason, so I checked the forum out.
I just had a crazy idea! what if I expressed myself before censoring all of the emotion out of it! That would be lit yo, and human and such. I WAS SO SHOOKED, I was typing nobody is going to respond, and 2 seconds later fucking little green dot appears.
The only thing that I feel remedies that is the fact that we're all in this shit together, something that I feel might not be so apparent to you. So let me remind you that you are not alone fren.
I forget such things some times. Its hard to feel not alone when you have bonded with one person and they were liak, yeah lests meet up, and every time they werent there, or they were with someone else. I forgeted that some poepls arent bastards. Thanks for the reminder. Now I just have to find one of these fucking humans and make them listen and empathize with me. I will seduce them with my little cute man-girl face.
Rebis is obviously imitating me.
People dont copy me, just act like me and you will be special and all alone!
 

peoplesuck

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Im enjoying this too much, better feel stupid and over analyze everything before I go to bed happy.



sincerely, man dude bro
 

peoplesuck

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crying yourself to sleep keeps your face hydrated and looking young, dont tell anyone though, thats sort of my secret. Its why im 22 and look 12.

To be fair to myself, Im more mentally stable alone with zero oxytocin, than most of these fruit baskets, taking xanex and having human relationships, with people.
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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For what ever reason she kept smushing her face against my chest and breathing me in like a pervert in an anime, I asked what she was doing and she said she wasnt smelling me, she couldnt smell.. the whole time she stayed like 2 inches from my face as well. Once we started cuddling all my anxiety went away, and it stayed gone. Im curious to see how the cuddle session affects my mood over the next few days.
btw this makes me think 95% chance she wanted you to escalate the "affection".

you're probably on the money when you speculate the attention seeking thing, I may be being too blunt but my intent is sincereness. I have a friend who was(is?) like this on impulse and they had familial issues that would lead to this sort of behavior. It's in you "programming" or "subconscious". Don't be too critical of yourself, just acknowledge that you do it and make an effort to be less so. I'm a bit dramatic myself sometimes. In the very least shift it to you being quipy/witty so that you're entertaining I would say
Tbc.
 

peoplesuck

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For what ever reason she kept smushing her face against my chest and breathing me in like a pervert in an anime, I asked what she was doing and she said she wasnt smelling me, she couldnt smell.. the whole time she stayed like 2 inches from my face as well. Once we started cuddling all my anxiety went away, and it stayed gone. Im curious to see how the cuddle session affects my mood over the next few days.
btw this makes me think 95% chance she wanted you to escalate the "affection".

you're probably on the money when you speculate the attention seeking thing, I may be being too blunt but my intent is sincereness. I have a friend who was(is?) like this on impulse and they had familial issues that would lead to this sort of behavior. It's in you "programming" or "subconscious". Don't be too critical of yourself, just acknowledge that you do it and make an effort to be less so. I'm a bit dramatic myself sometimes. In the very least shift it to you being quipy/witty so that you're entertaining I would say.
Dunno, Im clueless when it comes to humans. I had not considered she wanted anything sexual until rebis so kindly enlightened me.
I agree, but its understandable, like I was saying. Its the way a child acts hurt to test new parental figures. Im so painfully aware, yet so painfully unable to fix this shit, I call my personality.

SO on this topic, my relationship with my teacher( yeah agian, wow, i know agian, yep again) She started the whole crossing of the fucking lines when she came out and told me she was borderline, little dumb me was ok with this because I didnt even know what she meant. The entire duration of our weird ass blurred line relationship, she was always pushing or pulling. If I was warm she was cold, if I was cold she was warm. She made me think I was insane, like I had borderline too. ( I could but I doubt it) I bought a DBT workbook for psycho bitches, as it turns out I didnt relate very well. So to sum, my first deep emotional bond was developed with the strangest behavior poor little me could have recieved. Youre mean? ok. Youre nice? ok. Youre changing your personality every 5 minutes? please stop. She would be cold as fuck, then i would get depressed and isolate and she would start acting super warm and caring. ITS MADDENING. I feel like I have learned some stupid shit from her, and its affected the way I interact. i was hurted depp, still hurts to this days.
Im oddly aware of how unaware I am. Its pretty terrible.
But I just made a big glass of sweet tea, by adding some poison concoction to my water, Thank science, for delicious but unhealthy treats.
 

peoplesuck

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She literally conditioned me to act depressed and hurt for love. damn it, psycho bitches are the worst type of bitches. The best being huskies, they are floofy and vocal, lots of chaotic energy, when you cannot communicate all energy is pretty chaotic I suppose, what I hell of an existence being able to make shit loads of noise, nobody can understand.

I was being random but shit that kinda hit deep. Im like the dog
no joke when I was little I never understood punctuation, so I learned to put a period after every seventh word. Also I still spell "agian" the way I did in 3rd grade. Some habits never die. I can see why they thought I was retarded.
 

peoplesuck

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YO there is a way more descriptive story of what happened between me and psycho bitch on intj forum. not sure which one, or what it was called, but yeah, I would say at least half the story is out there somewhere.
I found it yeet. https://intjforum.com/forums/topic/...-a-romantic-way/?tab=comments#comment-5451472
meet 19yo stupid ass PS before she broke my little heart. if you arent caught up on the manga, this is about 3 months before she crushes me in the final ghosting saga.

Damn I was so clueless, I still am. I wonder if im too pure, or if its because im autistic, or both? The thing about not liking me, but our conversations, huge red flag, waow. And she had a child that was similar to me, what a fucking basket case.

Humans are so dumb, I still want to make excuses for her. Im not sure why my mind tries so hard to defend her. She was special I suppose. She has played a huge role in my life, I will never forget her for sure. Honestly, some days I want to see her, Just stop by and be like,
" so what the fuck"?
I know where she lives, I even know where she hides her key. I dont remember addresses, but I know her address, her house, her car, the inside of her house, her garage. she was very special, I remembered almost everything she would say, my memories with her were very vivid. Luckily time numbs the emotional value. Its super embarrassing but I always hoped she would take me home and raise me, that was how I saw her, like the one good thing that had ever happened to me. At one point she said I could have moved in with her, Im not sure how to feel about that, or my decision not to. It wasnt a conscious, no, it was like, something had been altered, when I thought about her telling me I could live with her, the memory wasnt clear like they always are, it was blurry, maybe my shock ruined my brains shitty VCR set up. In some ways I think I should confront her, but in others, If she had bad intentions, IM GOING TO FALL FOR THEM, rly im not gonna lie, i will fall for that shit twice, i know i would. On the other hand, if everything in her life was going to hell and she just tried to protect us both, and fucked up hard, It could be life changing, or at the very least closure. I still remember her crying in the storage room with me, having our little group mental breakdowns over our oddly similar pasts. when i move to norway, Im paying her a visit. if she is alive, she had the worst genetics. It hurts to remember her excited smiling face, with her beautiful green eyes. She always made me feel small with her presence. She was the first person in my life I truly looked up to, I wanted to be just like her. To this date Ive never empathized so strongly with anyone, it was so odd, I felt what ever she did. Is that was love is like? Id like to try that agian, with someone more gentle.
I cannot hate her for what she did, its not in me. It makes me a little upset to refer to her as psycho bitch
and now im crying. should have went to bed happy fuck.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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I don't understand the exchange relating me but uhh yeah you copy ass punks!

Try and forget your conditioning and become the person you want to be. Try to weaken the association with your teacher and love and rebloom that association with other people. Don't let them hold power over you!

I said a quote yesterday it sounds edgy but I also think it's quite cool

"Fear is the god of this world, we must conquer that which holds authority over us"

Indulge me, that's like a 7.5/10 quote

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peoplesuck

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I wonder how long I will be stuck on her, I thought I was over it, but when I think about it, it really hurts. I really want to go see her, I just need to know what happened.
@Inexorable Username @Rebis I want someones input, how bad of an idea is that?
I could say im older and more mature, she wouldnt affect me, I know that is a lie. If she started crying im sure I would too. She was a good teacher, not so good mom-love-interest thing. On the flip side, maybe she wouldnt even care anymore, she would simply be like who are you and what do you want. That would hurt, not likely, but possible.
dont be disappointed In me that I brought this up for like the 9000th time. I want closure, I want to know exactly what happened. How dangerous is that though? At worst I somehow find myself in a relationship with a borderline woman, or she pulls some similar pull-me-in-then-ghost strat.
I think the most likely response would be her crying, apologizing, and us talking it over.
I no longer have a giant cutting board to destroy things with, could be bad.

Edit: i need to go get that cutting board it has history.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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My new phone camera is fantastic, 40mp 4 camera lens and 50x zoom.

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peoplesuck

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The only reason I ask this, Is because in some ways I feel like it was my fault. Thats typical victim talk, but Idk. I have too much curiosity.
 
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