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walfin

walfin

Democrazy 37 From /dev/null
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  • cheese
    Sucks man. Anyone wearing masks yet?

    I guess that doesn't suck then, for you. Actually you're right, public speaking isn't all that scary. I remember one pastor way back when talking about how interacting with his 'flock' offstage was far more difficult than on. Anyway, good luck.
    cheese
    (Bad run of illness, I meant.)

    Haze is back? :( Super bad, or just average? And public speaking - my god. You should get an INTP medal for that.

    I think, based on the tiny bit of information and zero expertise I have, that not going through with it was the right idea. Good to hear you've got cash at least.
    cheese
    Hey =) I'm sick, bugger it. Had a bad run of it this year. However, all's getting better. How're things with you? What about that shop deal, how did that work out?
    walfin
    Saluton mia kara taglibro,

    Por multaj tagoj mi ne posxtas en tie cxi. Ankoraux mi pensas ke posxtanti en Esperanto estos ne tre malbona. Ne havas multaj Esperantistoj en tie cxi lando.

    Eble mi povas posxti tie cxi por la longa tempo, sed eble ne, cxar traduku.net ekzistas :(

    Sed eble Google angla ne povas trovi por ne-anglajn mesagxojn?

    Acx. Ne volas fari tio, tre malsekuras.

    Farigu cxioj posxtoj!
    nexion
    I am sorry you feel the way. That the truest sense of expression should never be felt. It is difficult, yes, but it is absolute freedom.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I realise that you can be found by googling "walfin".

    As such, this diary is now CLOSED.
    walfin
    Dear God,

    Are you real?

    Because I sincerely hope you are.

    Life is extremely scary in this country...it would be absolutely unbearable if you are not real.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am truly a very simple minded man, unschooled in the ways of the world, and not street smart enough.

    I would do well to remember the Cantonese phrase, a big frog does not jump in the middle of the road for you to catch.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am very glad that my new International Commercialisation of IP class is very diverse.

    I like diversity. Really really really. Not same old same old.

    EDIT: darn it's slightly boring, like a revision of my IP law class so far.

    Probably will get better.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I'm back from Saigon and it was pretty nice. 3 days was just right.

    Now...life goes on :S
    Wait a minute...it was 4 days.

    And I have to explain to the teaching assistants why I skipped the first 2 days of school :p.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    There are so many new things I haven't tried!

    I have got to get a book about Groovy on Grails, it seems cool.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    So I have updated The Blog :D.

    The rambling didn't really match the journal.

    I reflected about Eudemonia's comments about my nationalist tendencies and still believe that there is nothing wrong with being nationalistic. No, I do not love a plant in my country more than a plant in the country up north, but the immigrants from up north have a home to return to. I don't. This is my country, which should be my solace, my refuge, and I'll be damned if it's not that way. What other place will take me in? I am a democrat because I am a nationalist, and not vice versa.

    The Photo Competition is not taking off and I have not done a very good job in publicising it. Sigh.Will think of something. The response is really light.

    Still can't coax my bill acceptor to listen to what I write. Sigh.
    walfin
    Dear Lord Jesus Christ,

    Grant me the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Dear diary,

    I do not feel the prayer is outmoded. It is what I pray much of the time.

    We who are weak must depend on God for peace of mind.

    Will blog about National Day later tonight.
    walfin
    YES!!! Appellate brief done!

    Never mind that it's all hogwash inside. :D I'm sure I'll be lucky.

    I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky...

    :rolleyes:
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I think I went kind of overboard with my boo-hoo life is so sad and it's all because of the army rant.

    Well, I think there has not been a year which has been quite so full of cock-ups as this one, silly ones too.

    Being depressed is a serious problem. But I cannot say my despair is entirely without cause, and so perhaps I am not truly depressed. Those are despondent for no reason at all.

    I have to work out how I'm going to survive this year. Finances are going to be pretty bad, save if a miracle happens.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I feel sad that I am not contributing very well to the WP photo competition.

    After reading Lillian's Facebook post, I am saddened because I think I am probably one of the spoonfed people too.

    Yet again I am seeing stuff about conscription. It is very sad. I have lost two years of my youth, which I will NEVER get back, and the mental scars from that period have not quite healed. My Inactive status can be revoked any time. Does anyone find it disconcerting that Singaporean men are punished for being male? No, because to many women and the foreigners, them buggers deserve to suffer; the women can just go marry the foreigners anyway. We are discriminated against and despised for being the victims. How, oh Lord, can the downtrodden ever rise up? If you do not give us hope, who can?

    God Lord, have mercy on me. Reveal yourself to me, for I cannot possibly find life livable if I stop believing in you. Suicide will turn out to be the only way out.
    walfin
    I wonder if a real esperantist would laugh at my bad grammar in my "poems".

    Ah well. I don't care.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    It seems that I am becoming more of an S type.

    It is extremely scary and my mind is getting destroyed.

    I need to break free. God. Help.

    Even the suicidality is S-ish suicidality.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am feeling suicidal again, and I think it really takes very much effort to want to stay alive.

    Because if I say I want to kill myself, it is more likely than not that I will be told, well go ahead and do it, good riddance.

    Certainly, I know that there is no human from which I can seek any reassurance at all, not even her. God? I don't know. I suppose God could reassure me if He exists and he wanted to. Two big ifs.

    Sure it's easy to say we shouldn't rate our own value by how others rate us. But it is not easy. It takes great strength. And it means that I must value myself, must find that I am useful to myself, first.

    For some inexplicable reason I can't say "well, I'll just stay around and make them miserable, then!" like I used to, anymore.

    No path is left open to me. What am I to do?

    Dear God,

    If you hear me, please don't let me kill myself, or end up in Woodbridge hospital.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I have truly bitten off more than I can chew. I must've been insane, really.

    What I need now is to stop doing useless stuff. But which is more useless?

    Anyway, I've just thought of another Christian justification for socialism, which is Joseph's storing of grain (hey! taxation) and later redistribution (hey! welfare).
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I have decided to start a site to publicise the Animal Farm Project.

    In other news, I'm really getting things done VERY slowly for the WP competition.

    So much to do, so little time.
    walfin
    Dio mia en cxielo,

    Mi sincere petas vin. Ne permisu min memmortigi.

    Multaj aferoj en tio cxi mondo ne estas, kio mi sxatas. Mi havas multaj malfacilecoj akcepti la afero ke mi ne povas sxangxi, kaj ankaux multaj malfacilecoj sxangxi tio, kiu mi povas. Cxio sxajnas esti unu tro longa lukto kaj mi vere esperas ke mi ne bezonos labori pli, cxar mi tre lacas.

    Bonvolu helpi min, O Dio, havi via paco ke estas pli granda ol cxiu homa kompreno. Cxar mi luktantas kaj mi havas nenie por helpo, se mi ne kredas pri Vi.

    En Jesua Nomo. Amen.
    walfin
    Mia Kara Taglibro,

    Cxu mi povas toleri ke la viro de mia etneco estas malpli dezireble ol la viro de malsamaj etnecoj?

    Ne. Sed mi ankaux scias ke tio cxi pensmaniero nur igos cxio pli malbona, cxar la sensekureco estas unu ajxo ke malallogos la virinoj. Tial, kio mi povas fari? Cxu ne naturas ke mi malfelicxas pri tio cxi? Cxar mi scias ke multaj virinoj volas aliaj etnecaj viroj.

    Cxiu homoj volas havi akcepteco. Tio cxi vidigas al ni ke ni ne akceptintas. Kaj tial, gxi estas ne nur baza volo de sekso, sed multaj pli ol tio. Gxi ne estas pri mi, sole, sed pri mia etneco, mia lando, la demografio de la mondo.

    Dio, helpu min, cxar mi tre koleras nune.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am very afraid that I have missed the scholarship application deadline. I can't remember when it's supposed to be.

    It's quite scary, because if I don't renew the scholarship, I'm afraid I may starve for the next year.

    Anyway, my insecurities keep welling up, and I am having difficulty wrestling with them. And my doubts about God. And the many things I have to do daily.

    The statistics test tomorrow has still not been adequately studied for, and I haven't found my JC notes.

    As an aside, I posit that Singaporean (or Singapore-raised) men are more feeling than their female counterparts. I think of myself, of cheese, and of my friends, and biased sample or no, it's the conclusion I inevitably find myself arriving at. Then again, maybe not. I have an inherent bias in favour of my own kind :p.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am ignorant, but I do not think that I should shut up completely.

    It is better that I say what I think and be contradicted; for does it matter that others believe that I am a fool? I would far rather not remain a fool, if I were one, and if I remain silent, I will remain stupid.

    Therefore the saying about it being better to be silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt is not something I believe in. Anyway, what does it matter even if people are absolutely certain that I am foolish? That way, I can pretend to be a pig, and eat a tiger.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    Somehow this forum seems to be getting younger (my personal impression), and I don't seem to see the older people like snowqueen/eudemonia as much.

    Perhaps we pissed them off.

    I kind of like older people better. Maybe they went off to INTPc.

    It's a bit sad. There is nothing very much wrong with having a forum of teenagers, it's just that - I don't think the vast majority of them care all that much about real stuff, economic issues, tax, law, business, human resource management etc. Probably care more about social issues.

    But that might just be a stereotype. Though frankly I don't see much in the way of Real Stuff recently. Nothing about new developments, programming languages, some stuff about current events but mainly fringe stuff, and nothing about practical business/economic issues.

    I wish there is more of that, so I can read even if I don't post.

    Seems like Jackooboy offers us some hope, though - see if he runs out of steam trying to keep his threads alive.
    cheese
    Oh, I actually meant just conversing with yourself as yourself, not with an imaginary person. That's just fun little plays you put on for yourself, complete with hidden cameras and direct links to snuff sites.

    I know what you mean about caricatures, but I'm inclined to think that sort of thinking already present if that's how your dramatalk manifests. And for me at least it doesn't make others any more falsely defined than before, since I'm clear that the stuff in my head is mere entertainment and nothing more.

    Conversation is tiring, if it's not the right sort.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I just remembered a song which I wrote years ago. I liked the tune, and the lyrics were OK for me. One of my super-rare English songs (but actually I don't really have time to write Cantonese ones too now; and I've always felt they would never have been good enough to make it in HK).

    Will probably post it here when I remember/find e rest

    Black Box

    Going on a jet plane
    Plane's flying away
    Ain't never gonna get anywhere
    Ain't never gonna make it there
    Yeah it's flying off all right
    Whatta I care...

    Chorus:
    Now it's up, now it's down
    It's turning around
    Spinning as it falls right to the ground
    Smash, bash, it's gonna crash
    Just another news flash

    _
    _
    Puke and barf bags all over the floor
    Just a prelude to blood and gore
    We gotta get outta here
    In your eyes I see your fear

    Good morning, everyone, it's the news for the day
    Yesterday a plane crashed on its way
    It's not our fault, the engineers say
    The insurance companies don't wanna pay
    _
    Just listen to the black box play
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I think I am full of scat for starting the marriage thread. Well thank God I'm not yet an Advocate and Solicitor, lest someone say "well of course he would like all that hassle, he gets to earn the fees". :p

    I was depressed today all of a sudden. It was not good.

    Hopefully with time I will get better at small talk. There are still awkward silences at lunch with my colleague. I think she's an introvert too, that may be why. Which would, I guess, make her an INT_.

    And of course, she is jealous (or pretends to be) that I have lunch with another female everyday. :rolleyes:

    The grant transfer is still pending, and I hope they will accept my latest efforts to pass resolutions to amend my company name. I don't want to incorporate another new entity since it's a waste of money (I've got no charges/pledges/mortgages anyway).

    Still haven't settled the stuff I have to do for the WP photo competition. Bah.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    Every weekend, I feel my time is not my own.

    She has just given me an activity packed day for tomorrow. I do not want things like that.

    I am very tired and would simply like to rest. Not rush and rush and rush. It doesn't seem like I'm meant to be a Singaporean. I would like to get out of this place.

    Really. The more we do, the less we accomplish.

    The television programme just now claimed that stress causes white hair. I've got a lot more white hair now; wonder if it's true.
    cheese
    And yeah, there are lots of weirdos in Sydney. Just... lots. Probably not really any more than any other established urban city, but it's an interesting difference.

    Talking to yourself is fine; it makes you comfortable. In fact, I find I feel miserable and withdrawn if I've spent the day at home without talking to anyone but have to socialise at night - but if I've talked to myself during the day it's pretty much as good as having a conversation with someone else, and it primes me for social activity. Er, I think.

    Although I suppose self-talk in public is counter-productive in regards to socialising.
    cheese
    Gahmen is cute. I have to admit there are some things I really like about it. Singapore is very well-regulated (efficient, up-to-date, clean, safe, etc). The line between liberty and safety and all that - not my area of excellence.

    Yep. I'm on standby for tickets tomorrow, confirmed to fly back on Thursday.

    Oh yeah, Circle Line. I want to try it out just for fun. I get excited about these things. I still think the LRT is damn cool.

    I think people in the west (lol) feel more ashamed of disability perhaps (respectable white middle class) whereas there's more of a kampong mentality here, although that's slowly changing as well, which is sad. People becoming stiffer in some ways. More self-conscious.

    There's a lady I know by sight who worships the sun every day. At least, that's what I assume she's doing. She's scrawny and walks around mumbling to herself, staring at the sky with her arms raised towards it.
    cheese
    Yeah, it tends to bounce around... gender's hard to tell unless the person is stereotypically one way or the other, and in those cases it's actually quite likely the person's faking it. :P Funny world, ain't it.

    Really? You should go to Sydney. Bunch of nutters in all forms. Racist as well. Great stuff.

    Promenade's new to me yeah - although I'm actually in Singapore at the moment. I still don't recall seeing it on the lines though. Singapore always has something new up its sleeve; it's really quite amazing. A whole new line was open this trip (can't remember the colour?). There definitely seem to be more physically deformed people here walking/lurching around in public with the rest of Singapore. There's a little more stigma in the west, I suppose, and the aussie govt covers more medical care than the pappys (actually I think the gahmen doesn't cover at all right? Unless you're doing their work?).
    cheese
    Hey, I just caught up on most of your blog - you talk to yourself too? (Sorry, I know you mentioned more important things, but this stuck out to me.) Yet another similarity! And I do get weird looks occasionally, but often I'm not looking at anyone, so I can't tell. That story about the MRT guard is hilarious. :P
    cheese
    Haha, people seem to get very confused with me. Hard to tell on the net of course... I'm preeetty sure I'm a dude, but I'll be sure to update you if that changes. :D
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I passed! Thank God.

    There are some things I am at present unhappy about:

    1. I have no time. Seriously no time. No time to do what I have to do. Everything is jam-packed. My weekends are jam-packed. I have little time for MYSELF. And to do things that I NEED to do.

    2. Motorists nowadays have an attitude problem. Yet another idiot drove right into the pedestrian crossing. Me being me, I jumped again. It seems like the guy did it on purpose. These drivers get their jollies from making pedestrians jump. I would like to smash all their cars and have them all boiled in oil.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I have a Sun Certified Java Programmer (Java 6) exam tomorrow for which I haven't really studied (although I read the official book months ago).

    Christians who happen to read this, please pray for me.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    Tre ofte, mi pensas, tro certe, ke mi estas unu granda malsukcesanto kaj fiksupranto.

    Hodiaux sxi diris ke sxi helpos min pri mia letero al la Career Services. Eble tio estas bona, cxar mi tre malbonas por lerni aliajn homajn fartojn.

    Kial mi cxiam diras maluzajxo...kial kial kial.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    It seems that the government is coming up with some "family time" initiative.

    Methinks it would be useful if we really didn't have very much family time. But the problem is that we already have quite a lot of that, enough for me, thank you very much. The solution the government has to everything is to foist more obligations on the people. We are already so unfree, and they seek to take away even what little freedom we have.

    Watched a part of Ip Man in the underpass. I enjoyed it, then wondered why I did. Is it really so great to watch the "underdog" Chinese guy beating up the white guy? Does having been the "oppressed" group make racism any more right? Was it really racism? Sigh.

    Mff. Ethics.
    walfin
    Mia kara taglibro,

    Bah. Haven't done anything for the WP photo competition yet.

    I feel pretty bad. Will probably come up with a simple flyer during half-time later.

    Bedz...until the match. 2.30 AM - Mein lieber Gott:rolleyes:.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I am more than a little bored with work, and I am trying to plan a new holiday.

    There are so many places in the world that I want to see, so many things to do.

    As usual, whenever I see something that makes me remember that my next birthday is my 23rd, I feel a deep sense of despair inside.

    Nobody will understand. Because women will always think that it is young for a man. They do not know how much quicker we age, and die, inside. It is true that I look young. For that reason, I die all the more quickly inside. Because I am less likely to be given opportunities. I cannot say that it is impossible. But my heart wavers, and withers. Because swimming against the current tires me out. Because I am not only fighting the current, but myself as well, and I am weak.

    Bah. What a load of tosh. This is the result of no world cup match tonight. Won't happen tomorrow night, since there's the Dutch-Uruguay match.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    It actually feels pretty weird actually participating in the forum, seeing as I've been inactive for so long.

    Would probably want to ask some people to join my game project soon, now that I am resurrecting it. Mulls.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    For some strange reason, my grammar has gone all awry. And so has my vocabulary.

    What has happened to me? I know that I could write, maybe not very well, but better than this crap.
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I'm pretty sad now, because I went to Vivien's house to watch football, missed the Holland match, then slept on the sofa to watch the Ghana match, and MISSED MY ALARM.

    GRRRR. I'm trying to tell myself that it is really nothing, but more than having missed the match, it was a personal failure again and I have wasted the night sleeping on the sofa.

    I think I'm quite the perfectionist after all, right now I'm so pissed with myself I just want to die. GAAAAAAH!
    walfin
    Dear diary,

    I was stopped by an MRT official today at the train station who saw me talking to myself. He asked me where I was going and what I was doing where I was, and made sure I boarded the train. I think he was afraid I was gonna jump onto the tracks, or something.

    There is a great deal that is wrong with me. I am certainly harmless, but also almost certainly slightly mentally ill.

    I wish the vast majority of humans would accept harmless weird slightly mad people. All that I do is talk to myself, and while it certainly isn't normal and I would prefer to change it, I really am harmless.
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