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walfin
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  • I feel thoroughly sick and tired of my pointless committal application. What a stupid waste of time.

    And it was my idea originally.

    Now I can't get us out of the darned never ending adjournments.
    I just wonder if there is any place in the world where it could be favourable to be a Chinese man.
    Why do we get disappointed?

    Is there some evolutionary reason for it? Does it aid some other mechanism?
    Why is it that tiredness creates the need to write?

    I guess the feeling of being trapped is something that we feel an especial need to escape from.
    Why are we the way we are?

    How much of our lives revolve around not hurting others?
    So many have ssuccessfully written games.

    I have not a single game to my name.

    Sigh.
    It chilled me to learn that the MOE has mandated lessons in schools to highlight the positive aspects of Lee Kuan Yew's time in power.

    That is just wrong. If students wish to remember him positively, that is all well and good. But what of the Internal Security Act? Operation Spectrum? Judicial caning and the mandatory death penalty? The abolition of juries? A privatised public transport system that nevertheless draws from state coffers to upgrade fixed assets because the companies failed to ensure that maintenance was adequate? His wooing of MNCs to the point that local innovation was stifled?

    Lee Kuan Yew should be remembered, but he must be remembered objectively. Positive recollections of him should not be shoved down our citizens' throats.
    As I walked home I chanced upon a funeral wake, and was struck by the contrast between the small affair and the massive public funeral that is to come, heralded by television screens nationwide.

    And so I wrote a poem. It's something I haven't done in a while.

    Some are remembered by friends and family
    Some by even less
    Some mourned by all and sundry
    As they are laid to rest

    The greatest and the least, they say
    Are equal at the end
    But even on the last day
    Different condolences, others send

    A mighty elder statesman
    A general in war
    A common everyday working man
    It's the luck of the draw
    It is deflating indeed to put up at my parents' after a not-so-short spell of living alone.

    Exactly like the book The Mystery of Mercy Close which I read recently. Except that I am not Irish, and I am male.

    There must be something to be gained out of this. But the loss of my weekend housework routine has felt strange, although it's only the first weekend here.

    I looked at the road which I used to cycle to work on earlier, and felt somewhat wistful.

    I just wonder when I'll get out of here again. Sigh, I should be more grateful. Other parents mightn't look as kindly upon a bloke of almost 28 moving in after having flown the coop for a spell.
    So, well. It ended. EL got credit for my case, which he probably didn't want. I would've loved to see it through to completion, but I couldn't.

    But I suppose God must have had a purpose for what he did. There is a time for everything under the sun.
    If we wrote contracts in Prolog instead of English, the world might be a better place.
    I wish I could support Occupy Central, but most unfortunately, they have, or at least some of them have, adopted the Union Jack as their symbol.

    To me, it is completely stupid to identify with a country that can't directly elect its own prime minister, has just arrested Occupy protesters based on a ridiculous law which prohibits the possession of sleeping materials in parliament square (obviously meant to target Occupy protesters), AND STILL HAS AN UNELECTED MONARCH AS HEAD OF STATE. FFS. And colonised HK by supporting scum like drug traffickers, because that's really what the opium war was about.

    I stumbled upon the incident of Daniele Watts and after reading it all and hearing the audio, I have come to the conclusion that she is right. I can't believe the stupidity of the black leaders who told her to apologise to the LAPD, she could be dead given the current record of police brutality.
    My productivity is indeed severely limited by the slow speed of the Kohjinsha.
    Just wish I could leave this country and start anew somewhere on a clean slate.

    Preferably somewhere I can fly a Polaris AM-FIB.

    Still trying to find a hang glider trike flying boat with 3 seats.

    Haha, the dreams I have in life.
    Laceco denove.

    Volas mi eliri de cxi tie. For de cxio. Foriri, foriri, FORIRI!
    And so, my life is back to almost-normal, after a spot of drama. Kinda like a Hong Kong drama really.

    It was actually kind of fun, the fiasco. The kind of story I could tell my grandkids. Look kids, once upon a time grandpa was cool. He gave it good to The Man.

    It's somewhat deflating to go from Assistant Director to plain old Associate though. And with a lower basic salary to boot (sigh, and everyone thinks private practice pays more). But I feel somewhat like Rudy Baylor in The Rainmaker, albeit in a somewhat better situation. Just need that one big case!

    Walking along the river at Clarke Quay, I reflect upon my life and it has been dramatic indeed (well, at least for a boring Singaporean it is).

    Vive le art dramatique! Hahahahaha...
    I feel very, very alone.

    Save perhaps for my girlfriend.

    And, as always, really tired.

    I wish to be wanted, I guess. Introverts need acceptance too.
    So difficult, difficult, difficult.

    Sigh. When will it be the case that God's plan and mine will be aligned?
    And so, the knife has fallen.

    Why, oh why, did I not trust my intuition?

    Now it seem, I have to ask myself: am I sacrificing for a worthy cause? Even if I knew all along that one day, it might come down to this?
    Before today, I told myself: brace yourself. Winter is coming.

    But I've been thinking that I should perhaps have a more positive attitude.

    After all, it's been a most tiring 4 years. 4 years of continuous struggle, pain, and the agony of being deliberately excluded.

    4 years is a short time in the grand scheme of things. Not even 1 term of parliament. But I feel that perhaps, it is good to take a break from some things. Although even now it is not clear whether I will, in the final result, be taking a break.

    Struggles notwithstanding, I do hope to be a better me. Not just a better person, because I am unique and have brought value, regardless of the efforts of some to discredit me. And I am grateful to those who appreciated my efforts.

    For Merdeka, Democracy and Socialism. Majulah!
    I'm also intrigued at how there are a few different worlds in the Party.

    There's the world of the cadres, the world of political shenanigans, which strangely enough hinges on the whims of a large group of elderly men and some women, some of whom vote almost randomly.

    There's the world of the youth wing, a much neglected world, but with a fair amount of political intrigue too. Some are favoured, some are not. Official position sometimes matters. It feels important and unimportant at the same time.

    And then there's the world of the ordinary members, with many clueless loyalists and equally clueless disgruntled dissenters.

    And there's the much wider world of the grassroots, where there is essentially a separate political structure. Many don't seem to be aware, or to care, that decisions which affect them, the many, may be made by a few.

    And of course there are the secret worlds from which the unfavoured are locked out.

    Oh, how I wish for a true democracy.
    How difficult it is to fight a battle without a general!

    God lead me please.
    I am told persistence is the key quality in chasing a girl.

    So it's possible to make it from creep to boyfriend.

    Well.
    Well, so I have escaped RT for another year.

    And I have escaped reservist for almost 7 years now.

    Nevertheless, I still want conscription abolished. I would gladly sacrifice that $100 a year in exchange for no conscription for our young men. Non mihi solum.
    Dear Lord,

    I pray above all for your will to be done and that you will have mercy on me.

    I feel so much injustice and dissatisfaction with many things.

    There is little to hope for when unfairness abounds. When opportunities are given to the few and not the many.

    I merely hope you will step in and set the world aright.

    All this I pray in Jesus name, amen.
    Hypothesis: it is those likely to be thought of as ang moh pai who are most insistent in showing that they can speak Chinese.

    Muses.
    Feeling drowsy...

    Worst day ever to do PTCs, but tahan'd through it anyway.

    Darned cough mixture. Darned cough.
    Separately, I really cannot understand the desire of some people to sabotage others when it is unlikely that they will gain anything from doing so. Destruction is their end goal, but whatever for?
    Jesus Christ, Lord most high in heaven and earth, saviour of all mankind,

    Have mercy on me, O Lord, a sinner. I cry out to you, rescue me from my anguish, please.

    I cannot imagine why I am the way I am.
    Telling myself, life will get better...

    After all, to be fair, it is somewhat better already.
    Tiredness.

    I do not like the constant tiredness.

    I need a run or a swim this weekend, or something
    So the patent worry I had was a bungle. Bleah.

    Anyway, I am worrying, perhaps excessively and unnecessarily, about my political party membership.

    I wish that at all times I knew what to do, and that I had wise counsel, but alas, I have to make do with my feeble brain, and those of the people around me. I comfort myself by thinking that the brains of any enemies I may have are no less feeble.
    Have the itch to create, but argh! No time, and I must choose what to do wisely.
    I read http://chiatilik.wordpress.com/pages-from-my-political-past/, and I am struck by how similar Chia Ti Lik was to me.

    Perhaps the similarities are superficial. WP member, Christian (or at least it seems he might have been, given the mention of God in the poem, albeit not in a particularly glorified light), lawyer, penchant for writing what the writer feels can pass for poetry :p (although I'd like to think that my writing has somewhat fewer lapses in grammar).

    And I hope the similarities stop there, for how he has fallen!

    And once more I am struck by how much can change in the span of a few years. Of the people in the then-YAC he named, only 2 remain in the WP, and even something has changed for those 2: they are no longer married to each other.

    So many fall by the wayside, while so many are catapulted to high office in an instant.

    Lord, my fate is in your hands, truly. There is just so much out of my control.
    Why do people like rivers?

    In every city, the hippest nightspots are located around the river.

    I'm still wondering if it is right to swear at all, or to simply let my yes be yes and my no be no.
    I am 写ing中文参English tense suffixes in my SMS now.

    I have 变成ed a nutcase.
    It is either just me, or again, whatever negative gossip there is, is about me.

    I wish I could either say fuck it I don't give a shit, or just raise hell with everybody else. Of course, it may be the case that I'm simply paranoid.

    Somehow, all this makes me wanna just get out of this supposedly nice place.
    I think this is the forceful exclusion by the third of the fourth born as mentioned in birth order articles.

    In any case, I have transferred the funds and that is that.

    Sometimes I feel like I am Cain in the Bible.
    I have had a long debate with the significant other about why we should not be precluded from praying that God find a way to convince Satan to cease and desist from what he is doing, and thereafter forgive him.

    Oftentimes I am not very sure what I am advocating for, nor why I am doing so.

    But an unwillingness to consider possibilities is something that I do not wish to accept.
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