The INTPf High Court of Justice

[Duxwing]

*restores everyone's minds from copies (updated every night, truth be told that's why you need to sleep, everything you know about sleep being a natural part of living is a fabricated memory) and imprints the psych profiles into flash cloned bodies, so you're all the same as you were, minus wrinkles and body hair*

*hears missles coming in* GET TO THE VAULT! *slams the foot-thick metal door behind himself and TSR*

I'm going to have to do this myself, then. *unzips TSR's jacket to find a brick of C4 rigged to two electrodes over his chest* A true dead-man switch. Brilliant. Don't move or you're going to taste the stock of this rifle.

*picks detonators out of the C4 with his knife*

*steps outside a day later, after the fallout has settled*

And now for the debate:

The end and purpose of preserving life is the continuance of consciousness, not the maintenance of the status quo. And Cognisant, I hereby charge you with attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and arson: Your tactical nuclear strike was of a yield far greater than any known portable nuclear device.

-Duxwing

 

[walfin]

*Bleary eyed look*

Huh?

I have a faint memory that I have a job to do here...

Wait. Was there a case?

Ah well. Forget it. There's a new one!

The end and purpose of preserving life is the continuance of consciousness, not the maintenance of the status quo. And Cognisant, I hereby charge you with attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and arson: Your tactical nuclear strike was of a yield far greater than any known portable nuclear device.

INTPf v Cognisant, ex p. Duxwing

You, Cognisant are charged that you did, on the 26th of February 2013, commit the offence of attempted murder, and/or in the alternative, attempt to cause death by a rash or negligent act, to wit, by launching a tactical nuclear strike of a yield far greater than any known portable nuclear device, punishable under s6 of the Proclamation.

Trial will commence when you have filed your defence. Duxwing will have conduct of the prosecution. The next 3 persons to post other than Cog and Dux will be the jurors.

(Unless someone reminds me what the old one was...something about popsicles...darn, my brain feels like a...reformatted hard drive?!)

 

[loveofreason]

As Cog's proud and loving mother, can I be on the jury? He's a good boy

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Hey! I'm just enjoying my wrinkle-free existence! Cog for God!

But.... I wanted to be god!!

Since I did a awesome job of not blowing everyone up *glares at @Duxwing* I think I should be on jury duty again.

 

[loveofreason]

Can you make me young and beautiful?

 

[TheScornedReflex]

.... Yes .... ? I mean ,sure ,why not?! I can do that.

 

[Duxwing]

But.... I wanted to be god!!

Since I did a awesome job of not blowing everyone up *glares at @Duxwing* I think I should be on jury duty again.

I'm sorry that I had to point my gun at you, but innocent lives were at stake. *reaches into his backpack and pulls out some soda* Want some?

-Duxwing

 

[walfin]

Right. One more juror, will it be redbaron again this time?

You can deliver your verdict for the previous case still, Reflex. Provided your memory wasn't wiped. Lor has already delivered hers.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

The case.... The case... Say something court-like.. Aha!!

GUILTY!!

Umm, who's on trial again?

 

[NoID10ts]

I'm confused.

 

[walfin]

Congrats, Noddy! You get to be a juror now.

Presenting our jurors for INTPf v Cognisant, ex p. Duxwing: TheScornedReflex, loveofreason and NoID10ts!



My memory has recovered for Inappropriate Behavior & Jennywocky v SpaceYeti et al. Since lor and Reflex have both returned "guilty" verdicts, we won't need redbaron:

Inappropriate Behavior & Jennywocky v Montresor, N0Id10ts, Duxwing & SpaceYeti

The verdict is in order and judgment is given for the plaintiffs. Damages are assessed as the number of exploded popsicles. The Defendants are ordered to compensate Jenny with the same number of exploding popsicles.

Jenny's request to whip the Defendants with gummy worms is denied. As IB was the one who asked for contempt charges, the Defendants are ordered to be whipped by IB.

Duxwing is admonished for brandishing a loaded weapon in court, intimidating jurors, and instigating the launch of a nuclear weapon.

The court notes its sympathy for Noddy who somehow ended up on the wrong side of the law. However, as he has been adequately compensated by being given the rare chance of sitting as a juror in the next case, no damages are due to him.

 

[Duxwing]

Congrats, Noddy! You get to be a juror now.

Presenting our jurors for INTPf v Cognisant, ex p. Duxwing: TheScornedReflex, loveofreason and NoID10ts!



My memory has recovered for Inappropriate Behavior & Jennywocky v SpaceYeti et al. Since lor and Reflex have both returned "guilty" verdicts, we won't need redbaron:

Inappropriate Behavior & Jennywocky v Montresor, N0Id10ts, Duxwing & SpaceYeti

The verdict is in order and judgment is given for the plaintiffs. Damages are assessed as the number of exploded popsicles. The Defendants are ordered to compensate Jenny with the same number of exploding popsicles.

Jenny's request to whip the Defendants with gummy worms is denied. As IB was the one who asked for contempt charges, the Defendants are ordered to be whipped by IB.

Duxwing is admonished for brandishing a loaded weapon in court, intimidating jurors, and instigating the launch of a nuclear weapon.

The court notes its sympathy for Noddy who somehow ended up on the wrong side of the law. However, as he has been adequately compensated by being given the rare chance of sitting as a juror in the next case, no damages are due to him.

*bows* And I hope that I'll never have to do that again.

-Duxwing

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Judge. Should we go extra hard on them if no bribes are given?

 

[NoID10ts]

Hmmm. I don't like where any of this is going so...

** Sitting in the juror's box, Noddy sticks his thumb in his mouth and blows. The outer layer of his skin (there are five layers in all) expands like a balloon until it pops and sprays blue, gelatinous goo all over the courtroom. The goo is slightly acidic and dissolves everyone's eyeballs as if they were snowballs on a stove. Noddy proceeds to skull fuck everyone around him like the horny dog he is, but is disappointed to discover that they're all into that sort of thing. They're as happy as condoms in a nunnery, in fact. This gives him a BIG rubbery one so he finds a corner and sulks, trying to get it back up by imagining loveofreason doing things with Popsicles that would make a three dollar whore blush. It doesn't work so he takes a nap. **

 

[MichiganJFrog]

Can I operate the stenomask?

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

the Defendants are ordered to be whipped by IB.

Oh bless you your honor.

*a lone tear slides down my left cheek*

But I fear I must decline to be the whipper. It's my shoulders you see, they done been paralyzed by this dried up blue glue that somehow got all over me. I do declare!

But fear not your honor, for I have found us an adequate substitute that I'm sure will do a fine job. Yessir a fine job indeed!

If it pleases the court, might I present to you the lovely, Lady Bloodripper!

Spoiler

*the court breaks out in applause*

Edit: And I promise this court, it is most certainly NOT Lor in yet another one of her skimpy outfits.

 

[loveofreason]

Judge. Should we go extra hard on them if no bribes are given?

Cog's already removed all my wrinkles - I'm sold. I mean bought. >>

Can I operate the stenomask?

That mask won't save you from Noddy's blue lovin'!

...trying to get it back up by imagining loveofreason doing things with Popsicles that would make a three dollar whore blush. It doesn't work so he takes a nap.

But but... 'sok sweetie, we're in this together now... in the box together.... That's just like family. You just nap and mama lor will make it aaall better *reaches for cling wrap, oil and @gopher* All sooo much better....

If it pleases the court, might I present to you the lovely, Lady Bloodripper!

Spoiler

*the court breaks out in applause*

Edit: And I promise this court, it is most certainly NOT Lor in yet another one of her skimpy outfits.

Oh yeah! Young years here we come again!! I'm so flattered you kept the photos

Nono! I mean -

*coughs* Who is this woman? How good is her arm?

 

[Cognisant]

If it pleases the court, might I present to you the lovely, Lady Bloodripper!

Spoiler

Guilty, I plead Guilty, so very Guilty!

In fact I request additional punishment as well.

Spoiler

Seriously I levelled and ENTIRE CITY so there ought to be an entire industry built upon punishing me to restore the local economy, heck I'll even pay for their services, in popsicles if you prefer.

 

[BigApplePi]

As prosecuting attorney for the defense, BAP wishes to bring a suit against the State for establishing a Kangaroo court. To whom do I bring my case? Here is my evidence.

Spoiler

 

[Jennywocky]

I still have the bar glass that could have saved Noddy's dignity. I borrowed it from Evidence, but the cops failed to ask for it back.

It's not my fault no one brought it up in court.

*pitches it in the bay*

 

[MichiganJFrog]

That mask won't save you from Noddy's blue lovin'!

Maybe not, but at least when he has his little nappy poo, I can hold it up to his mouth and record whatever he says in his sleep.

 

[NoID10ts]

I still have the bar glass that could have saved Noddy's dignity. I borrowed it from Evidence, but the cops failed to ask for it back.

You make it sound like I had dignity to save in the first place.

Maybe not, but at least when he has his little nappy poo, I can hold it up to his mouth and record whatever he says in his sleep.

Ever heard of Jonestown? That's what happens when people listen to what I have to say in my sleep.

 

[Jennywocky]

You make it sound like I had dignity to save in the first place.

Shhh... I'm making an argument. Look at Jenny, she's making an argument.

.... besides, they can't HANDLE the truth.

 

[walfin]

Guilty, I plead Guilty, so very Guilty!

In fact I request additional punishment as well.

Spoiler

Seriously I levelled and ENTIRE CITY so there ought to be an entire industry built upon punishing me to restore the local economy, heck I'll even pay for their services, in popsicles if you prefer.

Well I guess there's no need to poll the jurors then.

INTPf v Cognisant, ex p. Duxwing

Since the jurors didn't get to decide the verdict I'll let them decide the punishment.

What'll it be?

As prosecuting attorney for the defense, BAP wishes to bring a suit against the State for establishing a Kangaroo court. To whom do I bring my case? Here is my evidence.

Spoiler

BigApplePi v INTPf

Defence and Counterclaim

The photo is a forgery!

This court is a Wallaby court and has every right to be:

A group of wallabies is called a "court", "mob", or "troup".

In any case, this court was not established by the State but by yours truly and so the statement of claim is defective in a material particular.

The Court counterclaims for libel, without prejudice to its inherent jurisdiction to punish for contempt.

As per custom, the next 3 posters apart from myself and BAP shall be the jurors.

I shall recuse myself from this case from now on due to the principle of nemo judex in causa sua. Any volunteers for judge?

 

[MichiganJFrog]

Ever heard of Jonestown? That's what happens when people listen to what I have to say in my sleep.

Hey, I was there, man! No, wait, that can't be right.

 

[BigApplePi]

As per custom, the next 3 posters apart from myself and BAP shall be the jurors.

If I'm going to be a juror I want to know who those other two jurors are. I come to trial unbiased but demand to know pre-trial how they will vote so I can have an opinion. I will pay a handsome fee for them to vote my way. I always vote for a hung jury every chance I get but don't tell anyone.

Can we set a trial date or will a pre-trial hearing be required?

 

[Jennywocky]

...I always vote for a hung jury every chance I get but don't tell anyone.

If the jury is hung, I volunteer to be the liaiso -- I mean, yes, of course, let's hang the jury! We'll need a good 15' of swing space, though.

Can we set a trial date or will a pre-trial hearing be required?

Well, if you want to make sure they'll be hung, we'll need at least a pre-trial or three.

... after seeing this court in action, they might feasibly become a runaway jury.

 

[BigApplePi]

If the jury is hung, I volunteer to be the liaiso -- I mean, yes, of course, let's hang the jury! We'll need a good 15' of swing space, though.

Well during jury selection someone will have to determine if the juror can be hung well well hung. Wouldn't this be a bias against females? We must have fair and equal representation. Any female could determine the swing vote.

Well, if you want to make sure they'll be hung, we'll need at least a pre-trial or three.

Most assuredly. Great care must be taken. Slowly but surely the process will be tried and executed.

... after seeing this court in action, they might feasibly become a runaway jury.

Yes. The fast acting jury will get this over with in due time. INTPs are noted for the quality of their pace.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

If I'm going to be a juror I want to know who those other two jurors are. I come to trial unbiased but demand to know pre-trial how they will vote so I can have an opinion. I will pay a handsome fee for them to vote my way. I always vote for a hung jury every chance I get but don't tell anyone.

Can we set a trial date or will a pre-trial hearing be required?

You'd pay for other jurors to vote your way, eh? Interesting. How much?

 

[joal0503]

i woke up on the 27th of february, feeling strange. stranger than i ever had in my life. sort of like a hangover times 40. I couldnt remember what i had even done the prior day, everything was a haze...but there was this persistent memory, a memory that i dont recall out of experience, but strangely enough is lodged into my head. its the only thing i can think of...a man, with red glowing eyes, a robotic arm, and that...chilling, drone like australian accent...he took something from me, and i cant remember what it was exactly...

now im here. just feel meh. like something has taken my foundations and replaced it with something i just cant describe.

 

[BigApplePi]

You'd pay for other jurors to vote your way, eh? Interesting. How much?

Make me an offer.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Make me an offer.

Hmmmmmm... *Glances jealously at @walfin and his hammer* The judge's gavel.

 

[walfin]

Hmmmmmm... *Glances jealously at @walfin and his hammer* The judge's gavel.

Hey, you wanna be the judge for a bit? I did say I was recusing myself from this case.

*tosses gavel from hand to hand*

Anyway, Jennywocky, joal0503, MichiganJFrog, congratulations, you are the jurors for BigApplePi v INTPf.

Then I'll slander your reputation, harlot.

Also, I vote trial!

We forgot about this case. I'll be coming back to it after we've decided on the judge for the other case.

 

[BigApplePi]

@walfin. I see the court has been in recess. What is this case we're working on now? I had to go out in back for a pick-me-up then fell asleep during recess. Wake me when yer ready.

 

[Jennywocky]

@walfin. I see the court has been in recess. What is this case we're working on now? I had to go out in back for a pick-me-up then fell asleep during recess. Wake me when yer ready.

You were sentenced to death, strangulation by chinese noodle.

Any last words?

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Hey, you wanna be the judge for a bit? I did say I was recusing myself from this case.

*tosses gavel from hand to hand*

*Reaches tentatively for hammer* Miiiine.

 

[walfin]

*Reaches tentatively for hammer* Miiiine.

Here.

Bear in mind it's infested with germs, the judge is presently afflicted with chicken-pox (true story).

 

[BigApplePi]

You were sentenced to death, strangulation by chinese noodle.Any last words?

That's a yummy way to go. Give me some time to prepare my last words so I can have the last word. I'm going to need an editor, a printer, a publicist and a copyright lawyer.

 

[Jennywocky]

That's a yummy way to go. Give me some time to prepare my last words so I can have the last word. I'm going to need an editor, a printer, a publicist and a copyright lawyer.

Don't forget the food critic!

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

I'll be the food critic.

Chinese noodles are disgusting. Someone had to say it. NOW DIE!!

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Here.

Bear in mind it's infested with germs, the judge is presently afflicted with chicken-pox (true story).

I've already had chicken pox.

*raises gavel to the sky*
I HAVE THE POWER!!

*bangs hammer a couple of times*

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Now for a new case... Anyone got one?

 

[walfin]

Apple Pie with Noodle sounds like an interesting dish actually. I might make that one day.

I've already had chicken pox.

Damn.

 

[joal0503]

Apple Pie with Noodle sounds like an interesting dish actually. I might make that one day.



Damn.

Topped with noodle or STUFFED with noodle?

or you talkin some brand new hybrid noodle pie crust?!!?!

edit: or even a noodle dish, WITH apple pie elements sprinkled in...

soo hungy right now...

 

[TheScornedReflex]

And bacon. You can never have enough bacon.

As Bap is taking to long to deliver his last words, we must proceed with the execution. Now, who wants to be the executioner?

 

[walfin]

or you talkin some brand new hybrid noodle pie crust?!!?!

This sounds really good, noodle pie.

 

[Jennywocky]

I'll be the food critic.

Chinese noodles are disgusting. Someone had to say it. NOW DIE!!

Well, yeah -- BAP's crimes demanded a painful, miserable death. If the court had mercy, it would have sentenced him to choke to death on rich vanilla ice cream with drizzle of salted caramel and the finest whipped cream available, but alas, no... it was the chinese noodle designated to snuff out his existence.

 

[BigApplePi]

Just in case I have a case here, I think justice itself should be put on trial. Is there any justice in justice? By that I mean justice could just be a waste of your time meaning injustice could be more just that just mere justice ... if you know what i mean.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Just in case I have a case here, I think justice itself should be put on trial. Is there any justice in justice? By that I mean justice could just be a waste of your time meaning injustice could be more just that just mere justice ... if you know what i mean.

Justice doesn't have to be right, it.. Just is. Now choke on the noodles you fiend!

 

[BigApplePi]

Justice doesn't have to be right, it.. Just is. Now choke on the noodles you fiend!

Why is it I get the feeling of not being wished well. Just for that I may have to skip wishing you a happy birthday.