The INTPf High Court of Justice

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Do the plaintiffs have any graphic popsicle usage footage that jurors may be expected to examine in the course of this trial? Can the court and/or plaintiffs cover costs of any ensuing psychiatric treatment jurors may require? Does the court provide post-trial remedial hugs or teddy bears?

Tissues?

*Image searches popsicle sex and finds....*

Spoiler

...nothing really internet? I am disappoint.

Inappropriate joke alert:

Spoiler

Isn't this how the POPSICLEAIDS epidemic started?

Spoiler

 

[redbaron]

As head juror, I believe Jennywocky is the culprit and mastermind behind these popsicle shenanigans. She cunningly disguises herself as anti-exploding-popsicle, but it's all a little too convenient don't you think? Seems like too perfect of a cover up, 'oh, but they exploded my head FIVE times, I'm FOR rectifying this problem'. Yeah right.

I believe the only appropriate punishment for this transgression is death by popsicle. How exactly these popsicles are used to end her existence is unimportant to me, I will leave the details to the more, 'imaginative' members of the court.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

More evidence is needed!

Spoiler

I will accept popsicle bribes

 

[walfin]

Since Jenny has filed her statement of claim, Montresor, Noddy, Duxwing and SpaceYeti are reminded that they are to file their defence or default judgment will be given against them.

In the interests of justice, if IB doesn't file a statement of claim or agree with Jenny's, all popsicles awarded as damages at the end of the trial (if any) will be going to Jenny (anyway, all he wanted was to have them up for contempt, so I don't think he'll mind).

 

[loveofreason]

*crying* Except for that magnificent exploding head (Noddy's I assume? Or his ass? Seems his taste in shirts), that was more awful than I could ever have imagined. I'm truly scarred. My anticipations of popsicle sex have been dashed. May I have my teddy?

 

[Jennywocky]

*crying* Except for that magnificent exploding head (Noddy's I assume? Or his ass? Seems his taste in shirts), that was more awful than I could ever have imagined. I'm truly scarred. My anticipations of popsicle sex have been dashed. May I have my teddy?

Sorry, Teddy is busy right now

(I hope he's machine-washable.)

 

[NoID10ts]

*crying* Except for that magnificent exploding head (Noddy's I assume? Or his ass? Seems his taste in shirts), that was more awful than I could ever have imagined. I'm truly scarred. My anticipations of popsicle sex have been dashed. May I have my teddy?

It was my head by way of my ass. All that damn Popsicle juice gets sticky and then things stick together and then things get backed up and then things pop on the other end. They don't call them Popsicles for nothing.

 

[Duxwing]

Duxwing's Claim:

I was asked to produce a report on the availability of Popsicles, which I did. No-one informed of, nor could I have reasonably anticipated, the explosive properties of the defective units.

-Duxwing

 

[Jennywocky]

Duxwing's Claim:

I was asked to produce a report on the availability of Popsicles, which I did. No-one informed of, nor could I have reasonably anticipated, the explosive properties of the defective units.

-Duxwing

Nonsense, safety concerns were brought up within twenty minutes of your inadequate report, and you made no response to said claims nor discovered them for yourself on your preliminary pass.

I also have sources who report that you subcontracted out the research of your product availability report to a one-eyed homeless boy in Sri Lanka who needed yak wool to feed his starving family.

As (I think) I am still temp bailiff of this kangaroo court, if it would please the court, I am announcing my intention of lashing you with gummy worms, one stroke per minute, until you recant and buy me an orange slushy. (Gummy worms are safer than popsicles, as they have no wrapper within which to present an O-ring seal defect.)

 

[Duxwing]

Nonsense, safety concerns were brought up within twenty minutes of your inadequate report, and you made no response to said claims nor discovered them for yourself on your preliminary pass.

My report fulfilled everything that was asked of it: it showed whether Popsicles are available or not. I was not tasked with, nor given authority over, safety precautions, and if I had been, I certainly would not have allowed the other committee members to use them as anal sex toys.

I also have sources who report that you subcontracted out the research of your product availability report to a one-eyed homeless boy in Sri Lanka who needed yak wool to feed his starving family.

And I paid him handsomely: thirty acres of land, ten yaks, and free feed until he learns to raise the necessary grain himself. I would have hired his mother or father, but the former had died in childbirth and the latter was a drunk. I'm not a fan of child labor by any means, but the absence of social services in his town meant that he would have died in six days if I hadn't hired him. The work was not strenuous, either, only a few Google searches and a letter back to me.

As (I think) I am still temp bailiff of this kangaroo court, if it would please the court, I am announcing my intention of lashing you with gummy worms, one stroke per minute, until you recant and buy me an orange slushy. (Gummy worms are safer than popsicles, as they have no wrapper within which to present an O-ring seal defect.)

The bailiff is not to administer punishment before a verdict.

-Duxwing

 

[Jennywocky]

My report fulfilled everything that was asked of it: it showed whether Popsicles are available or not. I was not tasked with, nor given authority over, safety precautions, and if I had been, I certainly would not have allowed the other committee members to use them as anal sex toys.

I think the word "toy" here would imply "fun," and I assure you there was none of THAT happening. It was all done out of duty, I am sure.

The bailiff is not to administer punishment before a verdict.

A verdict is unnecessary if you are just being whipped off the clock, for entertainment only.

 

[Duxwing]

I think the word "toy" here would imply "fun," and I assure you there was none of THAT happening. It was all done out of duty, I am sure.

I never said that using them as anal sex toys was a good decision.

A verdict is unnecessary if you are just being whipped off the clock, for entertainment only.

And this will lead to another case.

-Duxwing

 

[walfin]

Duxwing has entered his appearance! The suit can proceed. The other defendants can chime in if they disagree with Duxwing's defence.

Jenny, call your first witness.

Anyway, this court notes that there are probably no yaks in Sri Lanka.

 

[BigApplePi]

There's a bribe imposed for fines, jerk!

One can be sent to prison fined for slandering one's unblemished name.

Will this be settled out of court or does it have to be brought to trial?

 

[SpaceYeti]

One can be sent to prison fined for slandering one's unblemished name.

Then I'll slander your reputation, harlot.

Also, I vote trial!

 

[BigApplePi]

Then I'll slander your reputation, harlot.

Also, I vote trial!

I am a prosecuting attorney for the defense. You will need a lawyer but I understand there are other cases pending. I do not charge above pro bono because my fees have been doubled. This is a special case to be treated with delicacy. Must I recuse myself?

 

[walfin]

If Jenny isn't calling witnesses, I'll proceed to let the defence call theirs.

Then I'll slander your reputation, harlot.

Also, I vote trial!

This shall be adjourned to a later date as you are already a defendant in some very contentious litigation of public interest at present.

 

[BigApplePi]

This shall be adjourned to a later date as you are already a defendant in some very contentious litigation of public interest at present.

"Justice delayed is justice denied."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_delayed_is_justice_denied

But I call for a stay of execution.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I'll take up the mantle of Judge Dredd.

Anthrax - I Am The Law


damn, but I love this one so much more: Anthrax - Lone Justice

 

[Jennywocky]

If Jenny isn't calling witnesses, I'll proceed to let the defence call theirs.

I think the entire system is a sham, so I have people out bathing the culprits in X-rays and putting poison in their coffee.

Science will be their judge and executioner. If they live without mutations and cancer, they're innocent; if they die, science has spoken.

Of course, I'm just uh speaking musing out loud, I'd never actually DO this...

 

[walfin]

I think the entire system is a sham, so I have people out bathing the culprits in X-rays and putting poison in their coffee.

Science will be their judge and executioner. If they live without mutations and cancer, they're innocent; if they die, science has spoken.

Of course, I'm just uh speaking musing out loud, I'd never actually DO this...

I instruct the jury to take all of this into account when delivering their verdict.

If there are no witnesses and no cross examination, I'll sum up and let the jury deliberate.

 

[BigApplePi]

Can I be a witness? Can I be a witness? Ready?

 

[walfin]

None of the parties have called you to testify.

What do you know about popsicles, anyway?

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

9. Popsicles: Licking a cool Popsicle on a hot day is not as harmless as you might think. They make it to the list of unhealthy foods because of high sugar content and artificial coloring dye, which are carcinogenic. Artificial coloring also can cause allergies in many people. And many popsicles now use artificial sweeteners instead of sugar in attempts to win over consumers. You are better off eating a cool piece of fresh fruit.

I believe Noddy has described an allergic reaction that he has had as a result of direct popsicle insertion. The people seek justice your honor.

 

[walfin]

Granted. BigApplePi can testify.

Wait, isn't Noddy a defendant?

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Noddy is confused. I'm sure the court can plainly see that.

 

[loveofreason]

Hears reference: "You are better off eating a cool piece of fresh fruit."

Thinks: Noddy is a cool piece of fruit. Maybe not so fresh though.

*returns to fitful napping in the jury box, hugging invisible teddy*

 

[NoID10ts]

I'm a hot piece of fruit and I'm always fresh.

Now who wants to peel and eat me?

(I am confused, aren't I?)

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Ummmmm... You know all the Popsicles that went to the evidence room? Well, it just so happens that the evidence room isn't refrigerated....

 

[Jennywocky]

Ummmmm... You know all the Popsicles that went to the evidence room? Well, it just so happens that the evidence room isn't refrigerated....

I think our case just melted away... maybe even evaporated.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Ummmmm... You know all the Popsicles that went to the evidence room? Well, it just so happens that the evidence room isn't refrigerated....

Damn

I move for a mistrial with an option to re-present when:

1) Dux can procure more posicles.
2) We install a freezer in the evidence room.
3) We* reinsert one up Noddy's anus and document the results.

*by "We" I mean Scorned since it was his negligence in securing the original evidence that had led to this delay.

4) Have Dux redo whatever that freaky thing he did with the original stick.

 

[Jennywocky]

Perhaps we should clarify first whether a reinsertion could be considered a new crime in itself, or just a reenactment of an old one?

 

[Duxwing]

Damn

I move for a mistrial with an option to re-present when:

1) Dux can procure more posicles.
2) We install a freezer in the evidence room.
3) We* reinsert one up Noddy's anus and document the results.

*by "We" I mean Scorned since it was his negligence in securing the original evidence that had led to this delay.

4) Have Dux redo whatever that freaky thing he did with the original stick.

I only produced a report on, and was only ordered to look into, whether Popsicles were available whatsoever, from whom or of what kind, nor I was never personally informed of the vendor chosen, nor was there any public newsletter on the subject, and nor, on the grounds that I was never given authority, nor could have acted privately (due to my innocent ignorance of the subject) regarding the ultimate popsicle selection, should any INTPf government employee need assume the criminal incompetence of his fellows: in my case, the Popsicle purchasing committee, which did not even look into whether the Popsicles were exploding or not before procuring them for general use.

-Duxwing

 

[BigApplePi]

None of the parties have called you to testify.

What do you know about popsicles, anyway?

What is a popsicle anyway? I just thought I might have seen one.

 

[BigApplePi]

We might need an expert witness ... to tell what popsicles can do.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Damn

I move for a mistrial with an option to re-present when:

1) Dux can procure more posicles.
2) We install a freezer in the evidence room.
3) We* reinsert one up Noddy's anus and document the results.

*by "We" I mean Scorned since it was his negligence in securing the original evidence that had led to this delay.

4) Have Dux redo whatever that freaky thing he did with the original stick.

Nah ah!! I wasn't told to look after them.

And it appears they don't store drugs here...

*bag of white powder explodes after falling out from under jacket*
...
...
Err I can explain.

 

[walfin]

We might need an expert witness ... to tell what popsicles can do.

GAH! I thought you were the expert! What were you doing trying to be a witness anyway?!

Admonished by the court with a warning that your fees will be halved.

Nah ah!! I wasn't told to look after them.

And it appears they don't store drugs here...

*bag of white powder explodes after falling out from under jacket*
...
...
Err I can explain.

Ahah! There we have it, evidence!

White powder doesn't normally explode, does it? It's black powder that does the exploding!

So something else must have caused the explosion...it must be in that melted popsicle fluid!

RUUUUN!!!

Damn

I move for a mistrial with an option to re-present when:

1) Dux can procure more posicles.
2) We install a freezer in the evidence room.
3) We* reinsert one up Noddy's anus and document the results.

*by "We" I mean Scorned since it was his negligence in securing the original evidence that had led to this delay.

4) Have Dux redo whatever that freaky thing he did with the original stick.

Denied. There is sufficient evidence; I will sum up for the jury.

@TheScornedReflex, @redbaron & @loveofreason,

If you believe that this:

is/was Jenny, you should find for the plaintiffs, unless you find that the victims of Jenny's X rays are dead, in which case you should find for the defendants.

Otherwise, if the boy's yaks are alive, you should find for the defendants, but if he has killed them for wool, you should find for the plaintiffs.

If you find for the plaintiff, punitive damages may only be awarded if you find that sufficient harm has been caused to Noddy's behind (do note that the punitive damages will be awarded against Noddy, inter alios, since he unfortunately landed up on the wrong side of the lawsuit).

If you find for the plaintiff, you are also finding the defendants guilty of contempt, with sentence to be decided by me.

You may take any other evidence into account in delivering your verdict as you see fit.

*raps gavel* Recess for the jury to deliberate. Come back with your answers soon.

 

[Duxwing]

Nah ah!! I wasn't told to look after them.

And it appears they don't store drugs here...

*bag of white powder explodes after falling out from under jacket*
...
...
Err I can explain.

*levels M4 at TSR, hands gripping the pistol grip and magazine well, scratches on his barrel gleaming under the fluorescent lights* Alright, now everybody calm down; get back fifty meters from Reflex. We might have an explosive device on our hands.

OK, friend, we can all walk away this if you just tell me nice, slow, and loud: what's under your jacket?

-Duxwing

 

[walfin]

*levels M4 at TSR, hands gripping the pistol grip and magazine well, scratches on his barrel gleaming under the fluorescent lights* Alright, now everybody calm down; get back fifty meters from Reflex. We might have an explosive device on our hands.

OK, friend, we can all walk away this if you just tell me nice, slow, and loud: what's under your jacket?

-Duxwing

EMERGENCY! Duxwing is intimidating the jury!

Arrest him!

 

[loveofreason]

Duxwing is guilty!

But Jenny would never have worn such an awful shirt. That exploding head is Noddy or it's no one! I'm so confused!

 

[Duxwing]

EMERGENCY! Duxwing is intimidating the jury!

Arrest him!

*Glances at Walfin* Don't move. This guy could be wearing a bomb, and you can't try a smoking crater. Just get back and wait until the bomb squad shows up.

*radioes* @Cognisant We've got a 43-82 at the courthouse: requesting immediate explosive ordinance disposal on one subject potentially wearing a bomb. Be advised, the explosives may be touch sensitive, so take all necessary precautions. Going to evacuate the courthouse and secure the perimeter.

*turns to crowd* By the power vested in me by my possession of this fully-loaded Colt M4A1 Carbine, I hereby order this court adjourned until the suspected bomb threat has been neutralized. In other words: MOVE YOUR BEHINDS, SHE'S GONNA BLOW! *ushers crowd out and locks himself and TSR inside*

@TheScornedReflex *sets his gun down and takes his suit jacket off* How have you been feeling, Reflex? Is there anything bothering you?

-Duxwing

 

[walfin]

*Glances at Walfin* Don't move. This guy could be wearing a bomb, and you can't try a smoking crater. Just get back and wait until the bomb squad shows up.

*radioes* @Cognisant We've got a 43-82 at the courthouse: requesting immediate explosive ordinance disposal on one subject potentially wearing a bomb. Be advised, the explosives may be touch sensitive, so take all necessary precautions. Going to evacuate the courthouse and secure the perimeter.

*turns to crowd* By the power vested in me by my possession of this fully-loaded Colt M4A1 Carbine, I hereby order this court adjourned until the suspected bomb threat has been neutralized. In other words: MOVE YOUR BEHINDS, SHE'S GONNA BLOW! *ushers crowd out and locks himself and TSR inside*

@TheScornedReflex *sets his gun down and takes his suit jacket off* How have you been feeling, Reflex? Is there anything bothering you?

-Duxwing

He's insane!

Where's them buggers from the madhouse? Take this man away now! I won't have him pointing weapons at the jurors whether he thinks there's a bomb or no!

*Reaches for tranquilizer gun behind the bench*

 

[TheScornedReflex]

I wouldn't strap a bomb to myself. I like not being blown up as opposed to being blown up.

Are you sure you want to look under my jacket?

 

[Cognisant]

*radioes* @Cognisant We've got a 43-82 at the courthouse: requesting immediate explosive ordinance disposal on one subject potentially wearing a bomb. Be advised, the explosives may be touch sensitive, so take all necessary precautions. Going to evacuate the courthouse and secure the perimeter.

*restores everyone's minds from copies (updated every night, truth be told that's why you need to sleep, everything you know about sleep being a natural part of living is a fabricated memory) and imprints the psych profiles into flash cloned bodies, so you're all the same as you were, minus wrinkles and body hair*

 

[Jennywocky]

*restores everyone's minds from copies (updated every night, truth be told that's why you need to sleep, everything you know about sleep being a natural part of living is a fabricated memory) and imprints the psych profiles into flash cloned bodies, so you're all the same as you were, minus wrinkles and body hair*

Now I'm wondering who wasn't rebooted and ended up being memory wiped during the imprint. Blipped. Eradicated. Erased.

How many good people have we lost by your nefarious re-imprintation plan... and how could I get my hands on the tech for this?

 

[Cognisant]

How many good people have we lost by your nefarious re-imprintation plan...

I don't discriminate by such antiquated metrics.
But by the vast majority of ways "good" people can be defined, I would say none at all.

and how could I get my hands on the tech for this?

Cloning, fine, immortality, fine, altering people's memories...
It's a terrible thing to have committed a crime for which you cannot forgive yourself, heed my words Jenny, with great power there comes great regret.

Can you live consciously without a conscience?

 

[Jennywocky]

I don't discriminate by such antiquated metrics. But by the vast majority of ways "good" people can be defined, I would say none at all.

Very well, how many unique souls have been lost to the ether when you've eradicated them and rebooted the planet without their involvement in the cultural memory imprint?

Cloning, fine, immortality, fine, altering people's memories...
It's a terrible thing to have committed a crime for which you cannot forgive yourself, heed my words Jenny, with great power there comes great regret.

Can you live consciously without a conscience?

*looks around, finally tramples Jiminy Cricket with her weasel-stomping boots... whistling stops*

Now... you were saying?

 

[Cognisant]

Very well, how many unique souls have been lost to the ether when you've eradicated them and rebooted the planet without their involvement in the cultural memory imprint?

Oops, lemme fix that *installs renaissance patch v1.3* must have cloned you in one of the older vats, the newer software can have compatibility issues and certain files can get corrupted, the patch will fix that, wouldn't want you BSoD'ing from educational literature.

*looks around, finally tramples Jiminy Cricket with her weasel-stomping boots... whistling stops*

Heh, how quaint, you can't kill an idea Jenny and without the nonsense of souls that's exactly what we are *Jiminy Cricket respawns* but now memory alteration is a different matter, ideas can't be killed but they can be overwritten, which in of itself isn't a bad thing but when everyone's doing it... Imagine, for a moment, the horror of telepathic spam.

 

[Jennywocky]

Oops, lemme fix that *installs renaissance patch v1.3* must have cloned you in one of the older vats, the newer software can have compatibility issues and certain files can get corrupted, the patch will fix that, wouldn't want you BSoD'ing from educational literature.

Weird. I thought I was unhappy about something, but suddenly... no, no, everything is normal now, I suppose. How blue the sky is today!

Heh, how quaint, you can't kill an idea Jenny and without the nonsense of souls that's exactly what we are *Jiminy Cricket respawns*

What is up with that damned whistling??

*stomps on Jiminy again*

That cricket really bugs me.

but now memory alteration is a different matter, ideas can't be killed but they can be overwritten, which in of itself isn't a bad thing but when everyone's doing it... Imagine, for a moment, the horror of telepathic spam.

You've got your thumb on the environment rebooter. Do something about it!

 

[loveofreason]

Hey! I'm just enjoying my wrinkle-free existence! Cog for God!