Compliments and the INTP

[Tyria]

Do you get uncomfortable if someone gives you a compliment? If so, could you try to explain why (is it the attention, the recognition of a trait, etc.)?

Is there a way to give an INTP a complement without making them uncomfortable?

 

[Android]

I have a couple of friends that tend to introduce me as a genius. I hate it for many reasons.. mostly because I'm not a genius. Everyday things like appearance, doing something skillfully etc I'm okay with being complimented on, but anything meaningful makes me uncomfortable for sure. I'd like to say I know why, but I don't.

 

[Ashenstar]

I generally dislike being complimented quite a bit.
For one, I don't like the attention. It is akward for me and unpleasant. Even more so if it's a comment that could cause jealousy or other negative feelings among people I consider my equals. Example: I greatly dislike being complimented on my appearance in anyway in front of a good friend who happens to be less physically attractive than me.

Also, I generally don't believe the person who is complimenting me because I often don't share their point of view.

Lastly, I think people either want something from me and/or are just being "nice".

 

[Annablueblue]

Do you get uncomfortable if someone gives you a compliment? If so, could you try to explain why (is it the attention, the recognition of a trait, etc.)?

Is there a way to give an INTP a complement without making them uncomfortable?

I am uncomfortable with almost all compliments. I guess I don't like being the center of attention, plus my cheeks flush very easily which seems to excaberate the situation. I'm not sure why I feel this way...

 

[letpassiondrive]

I think it's because compliments about traits that actually mean something to you puts you on the spot to react emotionally. Personally, I'm awful at winging emotional interactions that reason doesn't speak to.

Usually compliments about specific events aren't as jarringly flattering as blanket praises. The difference between "You're a genius" and "I'll always remember the time you figured out X." It gives me space to feel that I'm appreciated in a dose that doesn't knock me off my feet emotionally.

 

[Ashenstar]

Usually compliments about specific events aren't as jarringly flattering as blanket praises. The difference between "You're a genius" and "I'll always remember the time you figured out X." It gives me space to feel that I'm appreciated in a dose that doesn't knock me off my feet emotionally.

You are absolutely right! I never noticed this before. Interesting

 

[fullerene]

Good timing... lol. I'm not sure if this post of mine inspired this thread or not, but I'll just link that one here, which contains my answer.

http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?p=112613#post112613

 

[Decaf]

I have a couple of friends that tend to introduce me as a genius. I hate it for many reasons.. mostly because I'm not a genius. Everyday things like appearance, doing something skillfully etc I'm okay with being complimented on, but anything meaningful makes me uncomfortable for sure. I'd like to say I know why, but I don't.

I pointed this out in another thread, but maybe this is a more pertinent and interesting case.

You are a genius.

There's a lot of disturbing things about that sentence, not the least of which is our instinctual discomfort with its utterance. I find myself just as uncomfortable with it when directed at myself as with others. I can hear someone state that Einstein was a genius with tolerance, but I ache to say something in response.

The Greeks had a much healthier view of genius. They believed it was a spirit that moved amongst mortals. That an ordinary person might achieve something extraordinary in their craft, not that someone who accomplished such was somehow suited to it. Expressing genius is invigorating, but being labeled a genius is tremendous pressure. Most have no idea what caused their moment of genius, so labeling them with such is at best, subtly harmful.

What if someone said your idea was an act of genius? Would that make you as uncomfortable as being called a genius?

What you did was an act of genius.

Is anyone uncomfortable with that sentence? In matters of kindness, there is precedent for compliments without generalizing the subject with your language.

What you did was a great act of kindness.

We are all human. Capable of the greatest faults and the greatest successes. What is success if a calamity isn't right around the corner? I would never want to be a genius. Let me be normal and let my achievements speak for themselves. Let my achievements be sources of confidence, not a statement of what I ought to have been doing my whole life. The workings of the homosapien brain are too complex to define by the number of adjectives that fit appropriately into an MLA approved sentence.

Henceforth I will try not to define others with my complaints or my compliments, or I will deserve being defined by such.

 

[Adymus]

I don't mind complements at all, I might disagree with what they liked enough to complement, but I welcome the appreciation. In any case I sill don't really know how to respond to them, I feel weird just saying "Thanks", and I find it even harder to return another complement back to them.
That right there is what I have trouble with, complementing other people, especially if it is only a polite gesture and isn't really sincere. When ever I do complement people, especially girls on how attractive they are, it is almost always implied and rarely direct.

 

[Dormouse]

I agree that part of it is disliking being the center of attention, but another thing that bothers me about compliments is that they're so vague.
'' Wow, that's excellent work! You're so much smarter than me! ''
That ticks me off. What was so great about this thing I've done? And perhaps I can write a better book report than you, but it's a known fact that you can up me in math. Or some such thing.
Also, compliments tend to raise the bar. I prefer to lower everybody's expectations then wow them by not failing.

 

[Ermine]

I've had an interesting experience with this lately. Compliments mainly make me feel uncomfortable because I know I also have weaknesses. And like Dormouse said, they tend to be incredibly vague, and it wouldn't be the best idea to interrogate whoever compliments me until they get more specific.

Anyway, the experience. After I got to college, I got a weird reputation as the "hermit that can do anything". While this is a nice reputation for getting needed alone time, it also presents an inflated version of me that is inconsistent with my self image. I can't even do "anything". In fact, many of the people complimenting me are skilled in the very areas that I'm weak in. It's quite ironic (to me) that they're complimenting me like crazy. Sure I have many hobbies that I'm decent at, but it drives me nuts how everyone seems to have such low standards for me. I want one of my peers to tell me how to improve for a change.

 

[Dormouse]

"hermit that can do anything

Why does this sound so familiar?

Also, I always feel the need to return some kind of compliment. Which I never know how to word, and will it seem weird if I mention something completely off topic, or will they think it's odd that I remember that about them, I don't want to come off as a stalker...

 

[Tunesimah]

I don't know how to really respond to compliments. It's just awkward, and I usually downplay it... I don't really like feeling like I'm better than anyone.

Also when I truly do something I feel deserve a compliment, I often won't get a compliment in the exact way. The things I think are exceptional aren't exactly noticed... so I don't often get compliments I can appreciate.

 

[Enne]

I try not to pay much attention to praise. I feel that if I let compliments too far 'in', then I will inevitably give criticisms the same 'seat of honor' in my house. I usually just roll with them, make the expected reciprocations when necessary, and get on my merry way.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

*gets deja vu http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=4294&highlight=compliments *

Compliments make me uneasy.....but if I don't get it when I deserve it

 

[Toad]

I always feel that the commenter is being superficial and doesn't really mean it. I also have no idea on how to respond to it besides smiling like an idiot and nodding my head.

 

[illiterategenius]

I have to make a conscious effort to just say thank you and then shut up. I use to offend the complimenter because I was just completely disregarding my accomplishment and their praise.

Oh, and I agree with someone above that mentioned a compliment letting someone "in". I get that.


As for why, I am just not impressed by myself. When I am impressed by myself it is for something very trivial and random. Last week I wanted to paint my bedroom some type of green but all I had was lime green, white and a murky blue. So I mixed all three until I got a color very close to my idea of what the room should be. That made me happy.

 

[Minuend]

I really disliked compliments when I were younger. It was because I were very aware of my face expression. I knew I would have that look of "guilt" or awkwardness. I always got that odd facial expression when people did something wrong and there was a possibility that I could get blamed for it (once I actually did). So when the teacher complimented me when we were having teacher- pupil- conversations, she would look at me and ask: "Did I say something wrong?"

I do enjoy the occasional compliment, even though it's slightly uncomfortable. Probably because I rarely get any. The better the compliment, the more awkward. Some compliments I don't care about at all. Like if I'm wearing a nice sweater or something. I'm more uncomfortable when people do nice things to/ for me. That kinda throws me off. And I don't know what to do. It makes me anxious. Happy- anxious

 

[Seducer of the Homeless]

i don't like them, because they are lying

 

[angelmanica]

well, I feel uncomfortable mostly with compliments which, I know, are not heartfelt. for example, If I did something above average and then someone blurts out that I've done a great job, I can't help but give them an incredulous look thinking..."yeah? doesn't look much to me."and a physical compliment such as "you look pretty today." yields the same reaction.

I seem to appreciate compliments about my intellect, though. Especially if they come from someone whom I consider as an intellectual person himself. Or something like "you have beautiful lashes", maybe because the person actually bothered to look for and actually point out the specific part plus, I myself know that,in fact, I have pretty lashes . Saying that I have pretty hair would make me raise my eyebrow, though

In general, I don't like compliments.. plus, I don't know how to properly react every time someone gives me one.

 

[grEEEn]

In my circle of friends, we throw comlpetely meaningless compliments and insults and statements at each other. My female friends and I compare our penis sizes, and while mine is the smallest of the ladies, I'm still twice the size of any of the men we know. All of this silliness has helped me to just accept a compliment, and return the gesture.

"You look lovely today grEEEn!"

"Thanks. You smell like bacon on the wind of a still winter's eve"

"What????"

"Don't worry, it's a good thing."

And then there's dealing with specific, meaningful comments. I'll either use humor that no one will understand ('cept my ENFP BFF) or make faces. I'm great for making face.

"I can't believe how great you are at snack wrapper origami. You just made a Ghandi bust out of an Old Dutch potato chip bag and 3 Reese's Pieces boxes!"

"It's all in the chips."

 

[bovinity]

I don't think too much about it. I usually just smile, say thanks and move on with my day.

 

[kubikub]

They make me uncomfortable in that I don't know how to respond to them. I either will blurt out the first easy respond that comes to mind, which usually ends up being 'oh really?' or 'yeah I know' and so I feel like I look like a 'tard or arrogant, respectively. Or I'll try to come up with a meaningful response but put too much thought into it and realize I've been awkwardly and silently staring at the compliment-giver for an uncomfortable amount of time.

 

[aklyatne]

Usually I just respond with something like, "Oh, huh. Thanks." Either that, or "I know." Close to the same as kubikub, really.

 

[Robert]

They make me feel uncomfortable too. A large portion of me feels the compliment is undeserved (which is motivated by a feeling that I could be better than that and I should not be complimented until I am as good as I feel I could be).

Another portion of me feels like I'm being complimented for the wrong thing. For instance, when relations complimented me for receiving a first at university, I felt they were complimenting me on the vague valueless concept of a 'good grade', not out of any shared recognition of the work I had done or the complicated thoughts with which I had engaged. It felt like a nonsensical servile thing to congratulate me on it, and I was aware that it was mostly done out of politeness, as many of my relations abhor students and intellectuals, praising the far greater intelligence of 'common sense'.

Another part of me reacts because I often feel the other person could have done what I had done only if they cared enough to try. For instance, when I started playing guitar I was not very good, and I was often teased for it. My sense of rhythm was poor, and for a long time I got stuck playing everything in swing rhythm. I couldn't recognize that what I was going was swung rhythm so I couldn't stop doing it. Also my ear was poorly trained and when I tried to sing I was not only out of tune but more often than not singing the wrong melody entirely. So I was often told I should quit, because I had no musical 'talent'.

With lots of work I improved immensely. Lots of it involved ear-training, and I scarcely bothered with tabs and such at all, figuring they were 'cheat sheets'. Because of that I improved a lot in a couple of years and can now listen to a piece of music and figure out how to play it very quickly just by ear. Now I am praised, often by the same people, for having such 'talent', which they envy. They wish they had musical talent, but they don't. That irritates me because it is in fact an insult hidden in a compliment. Rather than recognizing the work you've done to become good at something, you're told you're 'naturally' like that. Which also implies they themselves have natural advantages which you yourself do not have. (As an INTP you're most often told that this is the capacity for social interaction and understanding emotion, etc.)

 

[SourLife]

I hate compliments... They make me feel sad, because I don't deserve them.

 

[phantome]

as most others here said, i do not really like compliments, unless i feel that the person giving them is being sincere

 

[bananaphallus]

I tend to assume that most people are full of it, and rarely mean what they say, and this can make compliments awkward - I usually just giggle and chuckle until the trouble blows over, but sometimes people notice just how blatantly disingenuous my reaction is, and give me dirty looks.

ex.

Lady: 'Wow, this is really something!'
Me: [giggle, chuckle, giggle/chuckle option, silence]
Lady: [dirty look]

 

[Dark_Amphibian]

A large portion of me feels the compliment is undeserved (which is motivated by a feeling that I could be better than that and I should not be complimented until I am as good as I feel I could be).

Another portion of me feels like I'm being complimented for the wrong thing.

Yes--this!

We do compliments "GrEEN-style" in our household, but that doesn't go over well in the workplace (mostly). Simply smiling and saying "thank you" is one of the social skills I actively practice. That and finding something to compliment others on.
1. Feels less uncomfortable/awkward if I treat it as a social ritual rather than a meaningful interaction. It's like when someone says "hi - how are you?"
2. There are endless ways in which the world and other people need re-engineering. Desperately. So looking for something positive helps balance that out. Because you know, there's some good stuff, too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a social butterfly, and compliments really unnerve me. It's been useful to learn how to deal with the everyday kind, though!

 

[random extra #7]

I never know how to respond to compliments. So I don't like them.
They always seem like a ploy to get something.

 

[Decaf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6LryNKY1wY

 

[Chimera]

As always, how I react to complements depends on my mood. And I don't really think complements are insincere by nature--people may exagerrate them, but there's usually some sincerety to what they're saying. Like, "You're a genius" sounds better to them than "You're smart." I doubt they understand that saying the former to you would produce a negative reaction; they're just trying to be nice. So with that said, I pay more attention to their intentions than whatever they actually said (usually).

Are they just making a casual observation? Are they trying to start a conversation? Are they just fishing for complements? The last one bothers me to no end. The "You're so good at that! You're so much better than I am" ones really rub me the wrong way. They expect me to counter it with "No, you're really good at it too", which I refuse to do. I'll just give them a disapproving look like "What, did you seriously just say that?" and go back to whatever I was doing.

Most complements directed to me bounce off my mind 'cos I can find arguments against it. I used to voice them ("Hey, you're good at drawing" lead to "God, you should see some of the crap I've drawn, it sucks"), but now I don't because it puts the other person in an awkward position and it makes it sound like I'm complement-fishing. Now I'll just smile and say thanks but it doesn't hold my attention.

Do complements hold more potency from people you like or respect? I'd imagine so. It makes me wonder: are we unconcerned with everyone else, therefore seeing their complements as insincere? Are we secretly arrogant about our critical perspectives...as in "Their complements mean nothing to me because they aren't criticizing me/my accomplishment as harshly as I am"?

Hmm. ​

 

[transformers]

Depends. If someone like my father, who rarely gives out compliments, said something nice about my work, I'd be proud, but if some stranger gave me a compliment, I'd have to question their motives. Often compliments are just a way of manipulating people into having a certain opinion about the giver, which is why I find them uncomfortable. But in the right context, they can be very conducive to a good relationship.