I do not think I have a goal in life that drives me. I cannot center my day around something if there is no purpose. I have centered my life around big goals before. But at times there was just nothing. My life meant nothing. I had no friends, I wasn't good at anything, I failed just way too much. I believe I am over much of that. My systems are no longer shut down due to sheer hopelessness. Hopelessness is worse than sadness is worse than depression. Now all I have to deal with is bipolar and a blank mind. Bipolar gives me energy randomly high and low. I fail at being creative because of it. The blank mind comes from not having thinking energy. Energy overcomes a blank mind. Also, I sleep in irregular patten that disrupts appointments I have. To sum up. I need the energy to pursue goals.
@Inexorable Username
You post a lot I notice. I believe you have a lot of energy. From what I just said what do you think?
I just read your quote thing and realized that you're religious. So further to my comment on energy that I made previously, I think I'd like to add that you should really consider reaching out with your faith to achieve the energy you seek.
People with powerful faith, in my opinion, are far better at achieving permanent, meaningful changes in their lives. Which is why, I think, that they feel they know that God is on their side. It makes sense.
Anyways, here's what I understand of God. He may have made you, and he may have the will to help you achieve your goals and the desire to see you make those goals happen, but in order to capitalize on that power, you have to not only have faith, trust, and righteousness, and regularly exercise these qualities, but you also have to make the effort to head in that direction. If you don't put in the effort, there's very little that God
can would do for you. My understanding is that God is not a dictator who strips you of your free will and your ability to be yourself and make your own choices and decisions, but a father who facilitates your success in becoming the person you are trying to become. The "try" has to start with you.
So if you ARE a religious individual, which, based on your quote, I'm assuming you are, I would say that your efforts to establish energy in your life should first take the form of becoming more connected to God through exercising your faith. Maybe consider applying Christian meditation, or investing in a faith book that can give you powerful verses on a regular basis. Maybe it's time to read some more advanced writings in Christian literature...but also, and more importantly - you speak of having nothing to live for. Truly religious people can always find something to live for, because when you are truly united with your faith, you learn to live for the betterment of others. Charity. That is why nuns are traditionally so charitable, and even Buddhist monks contribute to humanity through chanting, and expounding upon worldly knowledge. The highest level of human existence is a thing of charity.
I've become a charity-centric individual. After I work on achieving the charitable goals I have, I want to work on contributing to worldly knowledge/understanding. (At the moment, I'm sort of too young and stupid to do that). If I was religious, I could take it on faith that God would help me to achieve these goals, and that would give me energy.
When you talk about purpose, if you are religious, you absolutely cannot separate your purpose from God's intent for you. Which means that whatever your purpose is, it is going to be something that would be to the benefit of others. That gives you a place to start looking. What do you have to offer that is of use? Having bi-polar is of use. Being able to conquer that would make it possible for you to teach other suffering people how to apply the techniques you've learned to reach a more functional state of living.
So here's my suggestion for you. I think you should set up a faith station. It could be as simple as a yoga mat and a bean bag on the floor somewhere. There, you can pray, and maybe even practice a bit of Christian meditation. I would make the experience fun in some way. Maybe when you wake up in the morning, put a little treat in that spot - like a special chocolate, and know that when you go to that spot to pray, you get rewarded. That will create a dopamine-feedback loop in your brain that should begin to result in creating physiological energy in your body.
You can also get something special to place in your environment to stimulate engaging in your faith station. For instance, buy prayer beads, and hang them over your computer screen, with the promise that if you touch or move the prayer beads, you have to go to your faith station. Try to make a habit of waking up in the morning, making your bed, and then going to your prayer station. If you can't get there - just know that the beads are there waiting, so at any point when you feel up to it, you can still salvage the day by doing that one simple task. Even if it means you just eat the chocolate and sit there for 5 minutes and leave.
That is what I would do if I were you to start trying to establish some sense of energy in your life. This method will introduce a little bit of order and structure into your life, but in a way that doesn't require you to consistently succeed, and doesn't make you feel like a failure if you don't follow through. There's no consequence for failing. There's just prayer beads, and a little reward in it for you if you follow through. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. It's something easy to do that you can succeed at - even routinely sitting there for 5 minutes on a daily basis is a small success in your life. You're proving to yourself that you can do something you set out to do. You're also giving your body a reward, so you're programming your brain to associate your behavior with the production of dopamine. Having this tiny, flexible routine in your life is sure to give you energy.
I'm a big believer in the fact that willpower doesn't work longterm. That's why I loved this book Atomic habits. Willpower works great...while you feel great. When you get tired, rundown, and depressed - willpower goes out the window, and you revert back to your original state. Progress is lost, the feelings of failure get compounded, and it becomes progressively more difficult to lift yourself out of a depression the more you fail.
So your habit needs to be something that is tiny, easy, flexible, fun, and doesn't carry with it the association of imminent failure. For instance, not studying for a test and getting a bad great is a threat to your future success, so you will feel very terrible about it, and develop anxiety for tests. However, not getting in your faith sitting for the day...it's not a big deal. It doesn't mean that God is never going to forgive you. If you do get it in for the day, though, you'll feel good about having done so. Therefore, this habit is only associated with positive feedback. (And intellectually, you need to train yourself to never associate it with anything negative).
I really do believe that faith is the key for you. I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but I envy the power spiritual people have. You can really achieve almost anything if you truly believe in a higher power, and allow it to become the engine that fuels your life. It's why programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are so effective. They even straight up say in the program that if you can't find a higher power, you won't succeed. Although, I don't know, maybe that's only the way they used to be...I would think that model must not be very effective these days.
Anyways!
Appeal to God. Practice faith. Check in with your prayers on a regular basis. Use your religious beliefs to discover what your purpose in life is. If you are a religious person - I'm almost certain that this is the way for you to establish energy during your "down times".
Side note:
I also think it's important to develop a healthy relationship with your bi-polar. I've got a diagnosis too. It's easy to fall into the sinkhole of believing that you're somehow messed up, broken, or inferior to average people. That isn't what your diagnosis is about. It's a personality difference - much like being an INTP. It might have biological components, but the end result is that you have a bit of a different personality, and it comes with its own unique challenges. Other people with other personalities have other challenges to confront. Yours just comes with a label and pedigree papers. I would avoid words like "episode" if you can, in favor of words like "down time" and "up time". If you have doctors/therapists - listen to them, but having them doesn't mean that you're powerless to affect your own circumstances. All of the power you need comes from you. Other people can just help you succeed faster. As can some medications.
Sorry...I know I'm being long-winded here, but this is something I feel passionately about. So many people develop secondary depression and a sense of helplessness as the result of having been diagnosed, and therefore alienated, by society. We are singled-out for being different, and made to feel unacceptable because of it. It took me a long time to learn to accept who I am, and to not be bothered by what makes me different - but rather, to work with it, and use it to my advantage. You can do that too. One of the most energy-sucking aspects of my life is being exposed to the judgmental opinions of other people. I've isolated myself from that, so now, how I think and feel about myself is almost entirely a product of my own mind - and we're happy here. We think very positively about me and my life. (My, myself, and I, that is.) And we are definitely not crazy - because you can't be the crazy person in a town of 1!
