I lied.

[Melkor]

I am new.
Or at least, you do not know me.
So should I not be greeted as a stranger?

The fact remains:

Melkor doesn't exist.

He never did, and save for by an extreme and unlikely shift of personality he never will.

I am not bold, brave, righteous or cunning.

I am not excessive,I am anything but violent, in fact, I am entirely impassive, and I most certainley am not easily angered.

I have frequently been told that nothing affects me, and that I overthink meaningless things.

I do not posses a sharp and meaningful wit, I have nothing to brag about,I am not well loved, and If my utter lack of ability to form relationships is anything to judge by I am utterly asexual.


Furthermore I don't drink, rarely speak, and have no immediate plans for world domination.


Melkor isn't real.

He's a persona, a false and fickle cradle born of a broken mind, that sought solace behind a symbol so brilliant that none would question it.

Just the flame of a candle, the tail feathers of an illustrious vermin, a mere bright extra that detracts from the lowliness of the real thing.

Pleased to meet you.
My name is unimportant, though you may call me Melkor, even if I am nothing like him.

I enjoy drawn out lonesomes walks, talking to things which cannot reply, composing and writing novels, and losing sleep over the utter nonsense that is humanity and his peers.

When I was young I had a rather large window in my room.
It looked out onto our back garden and the massive tree that lingered there, easily towering over our house.

One of my most frequent habits was to sit there on the chest that contained my things (I was a lot smaller then, and thus sitting in the space that was only a three foot or so across was easy) and stare...

Mostly it was spiders.
They loved that window, because there was a ledge on the other side, and seeing as the window was a single pane, no human hands could ever disturb that ledge, and the angle meant shelter from the rain, and with the walls to both sides preventing the wind intefering, it was like a perfect little observation deck.
I used to sit for hours just watching a single spider make a web.
I was always jealous of the fact that such a simple creature could make something more beautiful and complex than I ever could without even trying.
Yet it was perfect, the sort of thing I long for.
Wordless understanding.
Simply by observing, and being patient and thoughtful, I could understand the method, and afterwards, the reasoning and conclusion.
The web was made to a set pattern, by a predetermined method, for a purpose we both understood, which was easily observed with patience.
I always shared the satisfaction when the spider at last caught her meal.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, if the window was left open, insects would get in, and normally, incapable of getting past the curtains, they would linger there for days, usually dying of old age or starvation and remaining there for a short while.
I still to this day don't know exactly why, but the bodies, small and fragile as they were, were always gone soon after.
I suppose they may have decomposed, but more likely my mother cleaned them away.
Regardless, when I was a child, I always assumed that decaying bodies simply dissvoled, particle by particle, (I owned a small leaflet on simple phsyics that described particles, i think I acquired it soon after my seventh birthday , you know those fileofax things that one collected and added to a folder to make a collection of facts and such?) taken away in a fine mist until they floated to heaven.
It made sense that because they were smaller, they'd get to heaven faster.
I always looked forward to dying this way... a mass of unconfined being floating and moving anyway I wished...
Heh, silly really.
Hm...

My greatest fear, which is highly irrational I accept, and which you will likely laugh at this for some time after I say it..

Is the Ghost train. Any ghost train. Even the idea itself.


I am absolutely terrifed of those things.
Not just of the insecurity of them, but because of the social context involved with the fear.
In that, when propmted by others to board such a thing, I must also acknowledge to them my fear, which, beign embarassing and demeaning adds to the fear.
Curiously I spend long peroids of time in the dark for no reason, and loud noises and flashing images rarely faze me.
Together however, they seem to have a nasty effect on me, one that has existed ever since I was repeatedly forced onto the things as a young child.

There, laugh all you like, I said it.

I was just reading this, I find it amazing how true it rings with me.

INTPs organize their understanding of any topic by articulating principles, and they are especially drawn to theoretical constructs. Having articulated these principles for themselves, they can demonstrate remarkable skill in explaining complex ideas to others in simple terms, especially in writing. On the other hand, their ability to grasp complexity may also lead them to provide overly detailed explanations of "simple" ideas, and listeners may judge that the INTP makes things more difficult than they are. To the INTP, however, this is incomprehensible: They are merely presenting all the information.

I am often accused of both over-complicating (as well as explaining things much to quickly), and I seem to communicate incredibly well through writing, and terribly in direct speech.

They may defuse tension through comical observations and references. They can be charming, even in their quiet reserve, and are sometimes surprised by the high esteem in which their friends and colleagues hold them.

Again... comical observations seem to be my main means of communicating.
I often have nothing proper to say, and thus it seems to be my only method of 'keeping in touch' with those around me.
As for the esteem, I don't suspect anyone holds me in esteem, thus that point is neglibile.


However, I still consider my 'type' questionable.

I've been accused of extroversion, and of simply being a 'broken' extrovert.
Furthemore, when I'm in good company, or in a place I know well, with people I trust around me, I seem to display extroverted traits, such as beginning conversations and being able to talk for long peroids of time despite having little to say.

Also, I've been accused of being an INTJ by a few.
I doubt this very much, I am not so rigid, and even less dedicated to tasks and ideals.
Perhaps I can be a little judgemental at times though, seeing right and wrong, and the laws that declare them, as simple obsoletes.
A matter of one or the other and no inbetween.
I hope we can get to know each other from here.

I have inserted my personality profile below, though I'm sure at least some of it is doubtful.

I've also got a profile picture so I may be revealed to the cruel world.
As you see I'm neither as pretty or as well formed as my avatars tend to suggest.
(Don't expect this to stay there...err...and my hair is red now...)

There.

I'm bare.

Ask what you need to know and you shall be told.
If anyone is curious, though it is doubtful, I would appreciate a pm.

I want to be real, I need to be real.
It's so much easier with an audience of one.

I am sick of being a portrait of a man.

It may surprise you, but I am human.

Much too human.

 

[kantor1003]

*raises hand*
I have a question. I'm really questioning your motives. Is this attention seeking behavior? A game?

 

[Melkor]

I don't feel real.

I am sick of trying to keep up to your expectations.

Therefore, I won't, and here is the explanation.

 

[kantor1003]

Good luck in your pursuit to portray a "closer to the real you" persona.

 

[Melkor]

I'm afraid that makes no sense whatsoever.

Perhaps you intended it to be so, and are mocking me.

I wish to break free of persona's.

They are tiresome.

Edit:Thank you for your input regardless.

 

[cheese]

kantor was being a cuntor LOLOL!!

Melly, I don't think anyone with a modicum of sense could take your exaggerated blow-up doll of a persona to be you. Or at least, enough of what was beneath always peeked through the cracks, and I always thought it infinitely more precious than the show.

You've always been entertaining, but the last few weeks the little I've seen of you has been so refreshingly genuine that it prompts respect, and I'll be disappointed if it disappears behind the curtain again when you get over this slump, as you will*.

*edit
Well, let's not be hasty!

 

[Da Blob]

Being brave are we now...?

Congratulations!!! It seems to be a phase of childhood/adolescence nowadays to present RPG characters to the world as a reflection of one's persona. However, a persona is not a person and the feedback that such receive is not real. It is the type of feedback that a fictional character might receive in a fantasy from other fictional characters...

In any event, Welcome Newcomer! and BTW - you actually do have a bit of a wit, despite your disclaimer to the contrary...

John

 

[Cognisant]

Don't beat yourself up, all is a facade, dig down to your core and you'll find nothing but raw possibility, there's no concrete foundation, no inherent self, no soul, no predestined fate, what we are is biological clockwork and who we are is only an idea.

Pull the mask off if you want, a new one will grow in its place, because the mask is the skin of your metaphorical face, granted it's a fucked-up stance on individuality, but there you go.

I tried to shed "Cognisant", but it left me sore, so I've come to accept though I may not be just Cog, I don't have to let everyone know that, either they'll figure it out on their own or they really just don't care either way.

 

[kantor1003]

kantor was being a cuntor LOLOL!!

It's on cheese...

 

[kantor1003]

I wish to break free of persona's.

I see this mission as a paradox on a platform like this (forums in general). Your all just a bunch of personas to me! How are one to convey a "self" in here anyways?

 

[Da Blob]

Don't beat yourself up, all is a facade, dig down to your core and you'll find nothing but raw possibility, there's no concrete foundation, no inherent self, no soul, no predestined fate, what we are is biological clockwork and who we are is only an idea.

Pull the mask off if you want, a new one will grow in its place, because the mask is the skin of your metaphorical face, granted it's a fucked-up stance on individuality, but there you go.

I tried to shed "Cognisant", but it left me sore, so I've come to accept though I may not be just Cog, I don't have to let everyone know that, either they'll figure it out on their own or they really just don't care either way.

So it was your "Biological Clock" that determined it was Time to offer solace to a Companion?

 

[Melkor]

Melly, I don't think anyone with a modicum of sense could take your exaggerated blow-up doll of a persona to be you. Or at least, enough of what was beneath always peeked through the cracks, and I always thought it infinitely more precious than the show.

You'd be quite surprised cheese.
Evidentally the (brain) dead walk among us.

You've always been entertaining, but the last few weeks the little I've seen of you has been so refreshingly genuine that it prompts respect, and I'll be disappointed if it disappears behind the curtain again when you get over this slump, as you will*.

*edit
Well, let's not be hasty!

I see...if you are indeed being truthful this might count as encouraging.

I am unsure though.

Being brave are we now...?

Perhaps brave, perhaps stupid.
Past experience suggests possibility two.

In any event, Welcome Newcomer! and BTW - you actually do have a bit of a wit, despite your disclaimer to the contrary...

I am both touched and in the process of disagreeing vehemently.

Don't beat yourself up, all is a facade, dig down to your core and you'll find nothing but raw possibility, there's no concrete foundation, no inherent self, no soul, no predestined fate, what we are is biological clockwork and who we are is only an idea.

Pull the mask off if you want, a new one will grow in its place, because the mask is the skin of your metaphorical face, granted it's a fucked-up stance on individuality, but there you go.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me disregard all theories and concepts in favour of an approach that declares all is useless and thus doesn't matter- when skies are grey!

It has a ring to it I think.

 

[cheese]

You'd be quite surprised cheese.
Evidentally the (brain) dead walk among us.

Actually I have been surprised on occasion when seemingly obvious personality fault-lines were invisible to others. We're all privy to different aspects of each person I suppose.

I see...if you are indeed being truthful this might count as encouraging.

100% truthful. I like the new-old you. I enjoyed the old-new you, but this one I like. There's humility in baring yourself, even if it's birthed in brokenness, and it's something to be treasured (notice how I sneakily turned that into a pseudo-objective statement) - especially as I know how hard it can be to uncloak and face yourself. Because that's essentially what you're doing. The platform is irrelevant; I don't think it's as important that we see you as it is that you allow yourself to be seen.

@cuntor:

 

[Cognisant]

So it was your "Biological Clock" that determined it was Time to offer solace to a Companion?

In a roundabout & incredibly complicated way, yes.

Keep in mind that I hold clockwork in the highest regard, it's just such a visceral manifestation of matter given purpose, and the human body is like... imagine if the entire world was one giant clockwork cognition engine, that's just the human brain, it's awe inspiring.

By comparison the idea that the body is merely a meaty soul-jar doesn’t move me at all, it's so simple, so blunt, so crude, it just doesn’t do justice to the incredible intricacy of reality.

 

[jachian]

No.......... !!

Tell me you still love Wolves?!.................

Dont you ?..........................

 

[Da Blob]

In a roundabout & incredibly complicated way, yes.

Keep in mind that I hold clockwork in the highest regard, it's just such a visceral manifestation of matter given purpose, and the human body is like... imagine if the entire world was one giant clockwork cognition engine, that's just the human brain, it's awe inspiring.

By comparison the idea that the body is merely a meaty soul-jar doesn’t move me at all, it's so simple, so blunt, so crude, it just doesn’t do justice to the incredible intricacy of reality.

Yes, i agree about clocks, I tore many of them apart as a young child, looking for the component that contained the Time it was measuring. I finally realized that clocks do not contain or even define Time, hence I had to abandon my childish dream of building a Time-traveling machine using the Time stored in clocks as fuel...

And the moral to this parable is?

 

[Cognisant]

You're schizotypal?

Or something about how clocks contain energy which via mechanism is expended over time, thus with a steady rate of expenditure one can measure the flow of time, while the control of time itself is currently beyond our means, but a tantalising possibility to explore?

 

[Fukyo]

*observes thread with interest* o_o

 

[Da Blob]

You're schizotypal?

Or something about how clocks contain energy which via mechanism is expended over time, thus with a steady rate of expenditure one can measure the flow of time, while the control of time itself is currently beyond our means, but a tantalising possibility to explore?

NOPE!

It has more to do with changing faces, those of clocks and avatars...

More to do with the idea\illusion than we can contain, therefore control, that which is beyond containment or control...

 

[Jill BioSkop]

I wish you luck and fortitude in your change Melkor.

Ooooh, imagine a little vial of time in your pocket. ::sparkly eyes:: Use a little when you're very late for something important, or when you want more procrastination time. But how do you stop it all getting out at the same time? What properties would time in a bottle have? If you controlled time, would that extend to storing it or just altering it as it passes by? Could you slow down the time inside a container, and would the next time along bump into the slow one so to speak, and so on like a car pile-up, and then you can just speed the leader back up? Is that even usable?

Suppose someone time-travelled, in a bare environment with no external cues but a clock. Clocks don't define time. Would the person have any way to know that they'd time-travelled? Would they even notice? How does time affect our thought process?

Technically, could you alter time for one person only? Assume you can, what if you slowed one person's time down and speeded them up again to usual when the rest of the world'd gone ahead about fifty years, would that be time travel? Or just warm cryogenics?

 

[walfin]

Are you not even Irish anymore?

 

[Tuesday]

Walfin is right. He admitted to not drinking, so what is left of Irish identity?

I am quite sure he is Irish, though.

 

[Oblivious]

Don't Irish people smoke magic pipes, hide vanishing pots of gold at the foot of rainbows and frolic around in green suits too?

 

[Anling]

I've also got a profile picture so I may be revealed to the cruel world.
As you see I'm neither as pretty or as well formed as my avatars tend to suggest.
(Don't expect this to stay there...err...and my hair is red now...)

Why is it that I miss when all the interesting things happen? *sigh*

Oh, well. I look forward to getting to know you better. Well, as better as mere observation gets anyway.

Also, spiders are amazing and what on earth is a ghost train?

 

[Moniker]

This was an interesting first thread to stumble upon...

I don't know you, not-Melkor, so I suppose we're both new here. I have the feeling that this thread was more for you than the others on this forum... It almost seems like you're trying to understand yourself by explanation. Whether this is true or not, I hope you got what you wanted out of creating this thread!

Welcome, stranger.

 

[kantor1003]

He isn't new Look at his post count. You are new however. Welcome!

 

[Moniker]

Yes, I realize he isn't new... I was referencing to the very first line of his post.
Thank you for the welcome, though.

 

[Melkor]

Welcome, and thank you.

Please forgive our Kantor, he is not the sharpest knife in the basket, rather, he's more of a spoon...

Off you go make an introductory thread, no need to further humuor the fool that is me.

 

[kantor1003]

Another misinterpretation, oh well, I like spoons

 

[Causeless]

I always felt a little intimidated be your presence to be honest... I looked upon you as someone with experience and charisma in the atmosphere of the forum. I so envied the connections you seemed to have created with other interesting members here, and the comfort you appeared to have with your own personality.

Alas! You're human! (Well, as close to human as an INTP can be)

Reading your post made me smile inside, and not at your expense.

Here is a person I once considered 'untouchable' in my own perspective who shared these same mundane childhood joys of wondering out their bedroom window, having the same conflicts with a shadow person we wish we could aspire to be.

Melkor may not be you, but he is your creation. That in of itself shines a brighter light on who YOU really are.

I greatly appreciate what you've revealed and the conclusion it has drawn for me about others like me.

I can honestly say I only respect you more.

 

[fullerene]

Cheese said exactly what I was thinking, but so much more eloquently.

Melly, I don't think anyone with a modicum of sense could take your exaggerated blow-up doll of a persona to be you. Or at least, enough of what was beneath always peeked through the cracks, and I always thought it infinitely more precious than the show.

Though, I haven't been paying any attention to this forum lately, so I'd no idea it'd been showing through more over the past few weeks. I remember your normalcy from our long-dropped PM streams though. Good for you, mate.

(as much as most of the rest of your post was true, you do have a really sharp wit, whether you actually believe it yourself or not. And anyone who heard your snapvine about the not-yet-forgotten x-i-i-i knows it carries over into voice as well. *snickers* at the memory)

 

[cheese]

I always felt a little intimidated be your presence to be honest... I looked upon you as someone with experience and charisma in the atmosphere of the forum. I so envied the connections you seemed to have created with other interesting members here, and the comfort you appeared to have with your own personality.

Alas! You're human! (Well, as close to human as an INTP can be)

Reading your post made me smile inside, and not at your expense.

Here is a person I once considered 'untouchable' in my own perspective who shared these same mundane childhood joys of wondering out their bedroom window, having the same conflicts with a shadow person we wish we could aspire to be.

Melkor may not be you, but he is your creation. That in of itself shines a brighter light on who YOU really are.

I greatly appreciate what you've revealed and the conclusion it has drawn for me about others like me.

I can honestly say I only respect you more.

Typical celebrity fantasy! Yes, he shits and cries too.

(Melkor's a forum GOD! )


*edit
Which isn't to say I don't understand the sentiment. Ooh, double negative. I'm going to be notorious.

 

[NoID10ts]

Well I know I feel very deceived.

 

[Da Blob]

See what I mean...

 

[Mondorius]

I always felt a little intimidated be your presence to be honest... I looked upon you as someone with experience and charisma in the atmosphere of the forum. I so envied the connections you seemed to have created with other interesting members here, and the comfort you appeared to have with your own personality.

Alas! You're human! (Well, as close to human as an INTP can be)[...]

I have to agree with the first part, and also add that I feel similarly for a lot of you who seem to have interesting forum relationships, whereas I just come and say what I want to when I want to and then leave again for some time and therefore hardly ever get any recognition or "relationship" on forums, in general.

Your last line does tempt me to argue that he's not as away from human as INTPs can be. I mean, we're all still human, but I do feel many of us would prefer to be over that human thing, some of us actively trying to actually distance ourselves from the fact.

Anyways, OP seems very interesting, wall of text kind of killed it for me for now but I'm sooo bookmarking for further reading, as it seems to have interesting logic. Don't disappoint me!

 

[Causeless]

Typical celebrity fantasy! Yes, he shits and cries too.

(Melkor's a forum GOD! )


*edit
Which isn't to say I don't understand the sentiment. Ooh, double negative. I'm going to be notorious.

Well... you know... I figured he was being honest, I'd be honest back right?

It was only my benevolent conscious persona, I swear it!

My evil subconscious would surely slay him in his weakness and steal his forum fandom... unfortunately it's too busy practicing Battlefield, as it is uncomfortable with not being able to lone-wolf organized squads of players 100% of the time.

 

[Mondorius]

So I read through the entire thing at last.

Welcome, Melkor.

I think it's great that you can bare yourself so.

I enjoy drawn out lonesomes walks, [...]

I enjoy walking around at late night. It's so quiet. I enjoy sitting and thinking on rainy or cloudy days. Outside with just enough shelter to avoid getting wet or by the window. I like a cool breeze to go along, too. Just thought I'd share 'cause I can't get enough of those.

However, I still consider my 'type' questionable.

I've been accused of extroversion, and of simply being a 'broken' extrovert.

So do I. Heck, I ran the test again the other day. But isn't typical of an INTP to constantly doubt these things? Also, I've mentionned it before, but what would it change in your life if you weren't an INTP. You're still you. The MBTI just sets some lines to label people to make it easier to understand them or whatever your purpose for labelling is.

Also, yes, I've also been accused of being an extrovert, some people just don't seem to realise that I'm bearing with the small talk to be nice because sometimes I can discuss interesting things with them. Some people are just more interesting than others or better at getting me to open up and don't notice that I hardly talk to others or that I withdraw in group situations.

My greatest fear, which is highly irrational I accept, and which you will likely laugh at this for some time after I say it..

Is the Ghost train. Any ghost train. Even the idea itself.

Heh, I'm in a bad spot to laugh of you. My greatest fear is that my thoughts could somehow influence reality, since I find myself thinking some really crazy things that could be bad both for myself or others.

I've also got a profile picture so I may be revealed to the cruel world.

I wish I had a clear picture of my face to put up.

Being brave are we now...?

Perhaps brave, perhaps stupid.
Past experience suggests possibility two.

I can see why an INTP would feel stupid for doing what you did, but it's brave.

All in all, I'd say you're being hard on yourself. I don't know what triggered it, but it's a good opportunity to grow from your analysis.

Don't beat yourself up, all is a facade, dig down to your core and you'll find nothing but raw possibility, there's no concrete foundation, no inherent self, no soul, no predestined fate, what we are is biological clockwork and who we are is only an idea.

Pull the mask off if you want, a new one will grow in its place, because the mask is the skin of your metaphorical face, granted it's a fucked-up stance on individuality, but there you go.

I tried to shed "Cognisant", but it left me sore, so I've come to accept though I may not be just Cog, I don't have to let everyone know that, either they'll figure it out on their own or they really just don't care either way.

This is brilliant. As it implies, be who you want to be, do what you want to do. You might get frustrated as breaking habits is hard, but changing your environment and maybe a radical thing or two will help you move forward.

 

[nexion]

I don't know who were trying to be before. I wasn't here before. But I read your true introduction and I find I am almost exactly like you. I'm completely impassive, enjoy long walks, and overcomplicate things. Also, that quip about relationships... yeah, that makes sense to me too.

For some reason, just reading your post makes me somewhat... emotional... I don't know why. Maybe because I can actually relate with you. I want to break free as well. I am someone wanting to be free, far more than anything anyone realizes. Human potential is incredible, but we are all stuck in these bodies...

I feel like I have known you forever. Your pain is not foreign to me. For so long I have wanted to be who I am, who I am meant to be. I have always wanted, simply to exist. To see that I am indeed someone with an identity, and to know that I can find hope in this dark and stormy ocean. But I do not know that I can any, and I do not even know who I truly am. I can try to bury everything inside of knowledge and logic, but deep down, I want to be more than I am capable of being. And it just makes me so angry...

But let me ask you a question. Apparently, your persona was a person who was violent, drank a lot, and was excessive and not impassive (I can't currently think of a word to describe that). My question is, why did you want to be that way?

Also, you said you were much too human." What do you mean by that?

But dude, I so understand you. I understand mostly everything you wrote. And I don't think any number of words could ever show you how much I truly understand.

I believe you created a persona of a tough guy who knew it all to hide the fact that you are deeply disturbed by the world and its condition. It has hurt you. And you couldn't deal with the fact that you don't know all that you could. You know that you have failed your potential and others knowing something that you don't shows all to well your failures. That's a completely selfish way of thinking, but I understand perfectly, for I am the same way.

Don't worry about your personality type. You are who you are. Screw what others say, and screw what some tests say. No amount of testing can truly begin to delve into the human. And the human cannot be borken down into perfect rationalizations, or simple logic. Be who you are, don't worry about what others say, and definitely don't try to conform to what a test says you are. That is foolish.

To the others, I warn you: Before you even begin to write something that ridicules this poster or makes fun of him, just don't. I know where this guy has been and it's not easy. This shit is tough. These are the hardest things for anyone to just deal with. So if you don't understand what he's going through, just don't say anything that ridicules anything in this post. I know INTPs can disregard feelings, but you should KNOW that when someone does something as Melkor did, by completely opening himself up and showing you who he really is because he's sick of how things are done, you shouldn't mess with someone like that.

Maybe I somehow overanalyzed this post into something extremely emotional when there was nothing emotional about it at all. But I believe it was highly emotional, at least related to my personal experiences.

This is probably the only post up here that will ever make me cry, and this is probably one of the only times you will see by feeling side of my personality dominant.

Night guys.

 

[snowqueen]

I agree with Causeless - your creation was brilliant - you're a fantastic writer and I look forward to more amazing characters when you get round to publishing your books, as you will.

You're young - 'who you really are' will emerge over time. Enjoy the adventure!