How do INTPs Love?

[ProxyAmenRa]

Funny story...or at least I think it's funny. It was my freshman year of high school and I had the worst/best crush on this one guy. He was an INTJ (I know this because he had a tee shirt with 'INTJ' on it in big letters. I asked him about it).
I think they're exactly the same as you guys on love and all. I heard from his friends that he thought I was cute and almost gave myself a heart attack. My obsessive impulse kicked in.

Somewhere down the line, being my socially graceless self, I told him I wanted to have his babies :/. I was really determined to prove my love to him. I wrote him a long poem that I revised at least 50 times, trying to get it just right. I read a whole book on the subject for the sake of that one poem. I bought him a box of chocolates. I tried to get him to go to the ballet with me. I poured my heart out to him. I think it was too much.

Jesus bloody christ... O_o

 

[xbox]

^ wow Thats a bit creepy

 

[EyeSeeCold]

OP what type are you?

.

 

[Hadoblado]

INFP you imbecile she says so in her original post! Don't mind me I'm grumpy, your avatar makes me wanna fight something and this angry person music isn't helping (...well... only a little).

Xbox your in for a treat! I only found out yesterday (or was it today?) that you're supposed to separate your lights from your darks. I've got 'til I'm 40 though and I'm a fast learner :P

 

[Bird]

pffft xbox stop being so melodramatic, I'll be there waiting longer than you

Maybe we should make one of those pacts or something? If we both haven't found someone by the time we're 40 then you can do my laundry and I'll... think of something manly in the meantime that I know how to do. Plumbing? Mechanics? Wood chopping?


...how can I read so many books and still know how to do so little?

Regular handy-man. Don't restrict yourself to one area of expertise!

 

[Cavallier]

Haste: Since you brought up the rough sex thing...Are you a virgin? You seem young and possibly inexperienced. Perhaps you should consider starting out with the awkward sort of sex that teens have when they are just starting out and see where you go from there. In my experience it takes a while to open up sexually. I mean that I have to have sex with somebody multiple times before I'm comfortable doing anything really out of the norm you know? It takes trust and that takes shared experience. Just sayin'. You seem have a knack for going super intense super quickly. Take a breather.

Oh, and if some guy came up to me and said he'd want me to have his babies or a girl said she wanted to have mine I'd run no matter how attractive I thought he/she was previously.

Try not to delude yourself, I know it's too easy. While it's true many are out there with fetishes and what-not, you'd be ignoring the reality of the situation in terms of the trust, seriousness and familiarity, and also the type of masochism involved. It's not like they're standing out the street with signs ready and willing and it can range from a small curiosity to full blown expectancy of pain. While I'm sure they come in many different types, for the most part, it'd be a private thing reserved for proven individuals.

QFT. It's all about who it is more than what you are actually doing IMO. Well, at least once all those pesky teenage hormones are out of the way and you are a bit more discerning.

 

[Aramea]

Jesus bloody christ... O_o

LOL, I chuckled reading this. Only INTJs eclipse INTPs in the deep freeze. Romantic poetry is pretty boring (well, I can practice my eye-rolling skill). So is the ballet. Even a monster truck rally would have some quality people watching potential and if im lucky I can laugh at my date if a beer spills on him.

From a female INTP perspective, we can love intensely, but it has an obsessive quality, like we are trying to figure something out. An INTP falling in love is - read information in; process it until is screams for mercy. Rinse, repeat. Does he really want me to have his babies? Maybe he just wants sex. Does he really like this ballet shit? I hope not. Maybe he just took me here because I'm a girl. He isn't holding my hand, wtf? Oh, he's scratching himself, duh. I wish my boobs weren't so small. My ass is nice though, maybe he's an ass man. Fuck it, he's an idiot anyway. FUCK !!!! There's FOUR ACTS LEFT !!! I really like this guy. I hope he calls me again, but if he doesn't so be it. I'll get over it soon enough.

You get the idea.

It is really hard to show feelings through that wall of crap and Ti shows little to no facial expression from what I understand. We think so we don't feel because Fe tends to be a "results could be unpredictable" thing for us. I feel like a four year old when I discuss feelings. In a new relationship the primary directive is not to show my hand. I always have a foot out of the door ready to bolt just in case. I move on very quickly.

Also, our sensing function isn't that great, either. Ti/Ne has munged it first so that we sometimes don't really remember details all that well. This is why a direct approach may be best. If we have to figure out your intentions, we will probably get it wrong.

This is actually why I like being married. Once the dust settles, it is nice to be able to return my brain to other endeavors.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Try not to delude yourself, I know it's too easy. While it's true many are out there with fetishes and what-not, you'd be ignoring the reality of the situation in terms of the trust, seriousness and familiarity, and also the type of masochism involved. It's not like they're standing out the street with signs ready and willing and it can range from a small curiosity to full blown expectancy of pain. While I'm sure they come in many different types, for the most part, it'd be a private thing reserved for proven individuals.

Yeah, I know it's not like the world is full of people wanting to have strangling-sex with eachother, but still... The thought that there's actually a significant part of the population having fantasies about masochistic sex shit really weirds me out. It could be a teacher, it could be my parents, it could be my best friend, it could be that cute quiet girl...

Somewhere down the line, being my socially graceless self, I told him I wanted to have his babies :/. I was really determined to prove my love to him. I wrote him a long poem that I revised at least 50 times, trying to get it just right. I read a whole book on the subject for the sake of that one poem. I bought him a box of chocolates. I tried to get him to go to the ballet with me. I poured my heart out to him. I think it was too much.

That experience + your advice = lesson well learned on dealing with INTJs/INTPs. You're a tough bunch...

Woah.

 

[walfin]

When INTPs are in love they're even more socially awkward than usual. That's how one might know.

 

[AlisaD]

I say - screw it. Screw the strategies. Screw the should's and shouldnt's. Screw the big romantic gestures too.

You are who you are. You feel what you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, you're not likely to change it by following a step-by-step "Seduce an INTP" procedure.
If he is into you, he should be man enough to stick around after you tell him how you feel. If he isn't man enough to do it - screw him. You can do better.
To all the guys saying: "Uh oh, watch it, don't show too much emotion, but make him feel safe and comfy, and... " WTF? You make it sound like INTP's are rare and gentle beasts who burst into flames if you look at them the wrong way. Would you really want to spend your time with someone who's that scared of being confronted with a bit of emotion? Do you really want to start a relationship as a chess game? What do you think would happen from there? You plan your every move in order to pull them in deeper? Where's the fun in that? Why do it? Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to just be relaxed and happy with someone?

 

[Hermetic Alchemist]

I say - screw it. Screw the strategies. Screw the should's and shouldnt's. Screw the big romantic gestures too.

Absolutely. INTPs need information not gestures.

You are who you are. You feel what you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, you're not likely to change it by following a step-by-step "Seduce an INTP" procedure.

Oddly enough, this is how I would go about things (unfortunately), BECAUSE I'm an INTP.

If he is into you, he should be man enough to stick around after you tell him how you feel. If he isn't man enough to do it - screw him. You can do better.
To all the guys saying: "Uh oh, watch it, don't show too much emotion, but make him feel safe and comfy, and... " WTF? You make it sound like INTP's are rare and gentle beasts who burst into flames if you look at them the wrong way. Would you really want to spend your time with someone who's that scared of being confronted with a bit of emotion? Do you really want to start a relationship as a chess game? What do you think would happen from there? You plan your every move in order to pull them in deeper? Where's the fun in that? Why do it? Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to just be relaxed and happy with someone?

Personally I don;t think we're saying anything of the sort. I was just saying let us damn INTPs have a bit of time to process it all. The go slow is nothing to do with bursting into flames; it is to allow us to think. Otherwise we might do something rash like reject her out of hand (without thinking it through, because we're recalcitrant to being pushed around) and then regret it for the rest of our lives.

If you allow us to Perceive, then Think, the outcome is always going to be better. This will allow us to modulate our response, so that even if a rejection is the outcome it will be gentler, and allow the friendship to be maintained.

We definitely DON'T want a chess game. We want total honesty and straightforwardness. And then a little time to process please!

 

[Aramea]

I say - screw it. Screw the strategies. Screw the should's and shouldnt's. Screw the big romantic gestures too.

You are who you are. You feel what you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, you're not likely to change it by following a step-by-step "Seduce an INTP" procedure.
If he is into you, he should be man enough to stick around after you tell him how you feel. If he isn't man enough to do it - screw him. You can do better.
To all the guys saying: "Uh oh, watch it, don't show too much emotion, but make him feel safe and comfy, and... " WTF? You make it sound like INTP's are rare and gentle beasts who burst into flames if you look at them the wrong way. Would you really want to spend your time with someone who's that scared of being confronted with a bit of emotion? Do you really want to start a relationship as a chess game? What do you think would happen from there? You plan your every move in order to pull them in deeper? Where's the fun in that? Why do it? Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to just be relaxed and happy with someone?

I can assure you that "relaxed and happy" is at best down the road, NOT at the "is he/she interested" stage. The fun has not even begun for the poor INTP that is supposed to provide for the emotional needs of an INFP. He has to try to understand her first and I bet that will be quite the challenge. I believe that INFP could actually be on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum as INTP. I can't speak for all INTPs, but listening to a feeler can be trying. When you ask them to clarify some snippet that makes no sense, you are likely to get a) it repeated verbatim or b) some screed about how insensitive/naive you are or c) told to just accept it and shut up. To them, it doesn't really have to make sense. To us, it absolutely does.

Again, we are not scared of emotion. We like it when someone like us just as much as anyone else. Feeling just doesn't serve us very well and by the time we are interested in relationships we know it. It takes a while to process it.

And yes, I plan my next moves but rarely execute them. By the time I have finished thinking things through I dont much feel like doing anything. I usually end up with the guy with the tenacity to dive in and chisel through the wall. Then I know he's serious. Wow, I do sound kind of like a robot

 

[Hermetic Alchemist]

I can assure you that "relaxed and happy" is at best down the road, NOT at the "is he/she interested" stage. The fun has not even begun for the poor INTP that is supposed to provide for the emotional needs of an INFP. He has to try to understand her first and I bet that will be quite the challenge. I believe that INFP could actually be on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum as INTP. I can't speak for all INTPs, but listening to a feeler can be trying. When you ask them to clarify some snippet that makes no sense, you are likely to get a) it repeated verbatim or b) some screed about how insensitive/naive you are or c) told to just accept it and shut up. To them, it doesn't really have to make sense. To us, it absolutely does.

Again, we are not scared of emotion. We like it when someone like us just as much as anyone else. Feeling just doesn't serve us very well and by the time we are interested in relationships we know it. It takes a while to process it.

And yes, I plan my next moves but rarely execute them. By the time I have finished thinking things through I dont much feel like doing anything. I usually end up with the guy with the tenacity to dive in and chisel through the wall. Then I know he's serious. Wow, I do sound kind of like a robot

Seconded!

Especially the: 'It's got to make sense', and the 'Plan moves but fail to execute them'.

 

[BigApplePi]

AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

I say - screw it. Screw the strategies. Screw the should's and shouldnt's. Screw the big romantic gestures too.

You are who you are. You feel what you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, you're not likely to change it by following a step-by-step "Seduce an INTP" procedure.
If he is into you, he should be man enough to stick around after you tell him how you feel. If he isn't man enough to do it - screw him. You can do better.
To all the guys saying: "Uh oh, watch it, don't show too much emotion, but make him feel safe and comfy, and... " WTF? You make it sound like INTP's are rare and gentle beasts who burst into flames if you look at them the wrong way. Would you really want to spend your time with someone who's that scared of being confronted with a bit of emotion? Do you really want to start a relationship as a chess game? What do you think would happen from there? You plan your every move in order to pull them in deeper? Where's the fun in that? Why do it? Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to just be relaxed and happy with someone?

AlisaD when I read most of the others comments I tended to go along with them and agree. Yours is different. I'm picking up you'd like HasteTheDay to be spontaneous, be herself and to heck with her INTP ... he has to measure up.

I can't forget these two are teens and they deserve to experience whatever they are going to experience. HasteTheDay is a female with strong feelings. She won't have any trouble expressing them when the time comes. INTPs are persons who must think things over. Her male interest is whatever he is and his foundations are not going to change in the end anyway. The thing is to make contact between two different people in the most optimum way that doesn't end up with crying on the floor but instead discovers where people are at and can go.

I hope to say more later but got a lot on my plate right now.

 

[AlisaD]

Re: AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

If you allow us to Perceive, then Think, the outcome is always going to be better. This will allow us to modulate our response, so that even if a rejection is the outcome it will be gentler, and allow the friendship to be maintained.

We definitely DON'T want a chess game. We want total honesty and straightforwardness. And then a little time to process please!

Yeah, I'm not saying corner them and hold them at gunpoint until they make a decision, but I am saying don't thread too lightly just because someone's an INTP. They need to be able to deal with emotions. If they aren't, then they are most likely not someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway.

I can assure you that "relaxed and happy" is at best down the road, NOT at the "is he/she interested" stage.

Um...
I'm an INTP. I'll prove it by clinging on to the word "assure" How can you offer assurance on such matters? Where is your proof? How many INTP's have you seen in a relationship?
Anyway...
The man I'm incredibly in love with is also an INTP.
It has been relaxed and happy since the first moment we met. And fun. So so so much fun. Everyone seems to be forgetting that it's all supposed to be about enjoying the time you spend together, not "getting them".
I always said exactly what was on my mind (even the forbidden premature "I love you") Never regretted it. Never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy spending time with him. Never been more relaxed with anyone. Ever.

And yes, I plan my next moves but rarely execute them. By the time I have finished thinking things through I dont much feel like doing anything. I usually end up with the guy with the tenacity to dive in and chisel through the wall. Then I know he's serious. Wow, I do sound kind of like a robot

I don't mean to sound mean, but the thought of tenacity being a significant factor in choosing a lover makes me shudder.

AlisaD when I read most of the others comments I tended to go along with them and agree. Yours is different. I'm picking up you'd like HasteTheDay to be spontaneous, be herself and to heck with her INTP ... he has to measure up.

I can't forget these two are teens and they deserve to experience whatever they are going to experience. HasteTheDay is a female with strong feelings. She won't have any trouble expressing them when the time comes. INTPs are persons who must think things over. Her male interest is whatever he is and his foundations are not going to change in the end anyway. The thing is to make contact between two different people in the most optimum way that doesn't end up with crying on the floor but instead discovers where people are at and can go.

I hope to say more later but got a lot on my plate right now.

I do agree on some level, but these things should come naturally, you shouldn't have to rehearse and plan the way you are going to approach the person you love. For two reasons:
1) It takes all the fun out of it
2) It almost never works

So, I'm still with - go with what you feel, try and enjoy yourself, and if you end up crying on the floor, it'll be a good story to tell the grandchildren.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Yeah, in the end, it's better to follow AlisaD's advise. It's the best. Only you can feel what you should do best. We are just people on the internet with no idea who you really are, who the guy is, how your complicated relationship with him really is, what situation you are in, the atmospheres you and the boy you like radiate... etc.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

INFP you imbecile she says so in her original post! Don't mind me I'm grumpy, your avatar makes me wanna fight something and this angry person music isn't helping (...well... only a little).

Oh, I must be getting old.

 

[BigApplePi]

Re: AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

I do agree on some level, but these things should come naturally, you shouldn't have to rehearse and plan the way you are going to approach the person you love. For two reasons:
1) It takes all the fun out of it
2) It almost never works

So, I'm still with - go with what you feel, try and enjoy yourself, and if you end up crying on the floor, it'll be a good story to tell the grandchildren.

Alisa I agree with you mostly but it could be we are talking about a different set of data. This is NOT an ongoing lovers relationship. If it were, I'd agree with you. I see here presented a separation. She doesn't know where he is at. She has her own style (feeling or whatever). So she is being advised to hold on to it because a breakthru is sought with someone who doesn't have her style. She (we) don't know where he is at. I don't know. I'd like to know if he is a virgin, for example. He can be asked by his buddies, but never by her. She must feel him out slowly.

Perhaps it's a matter of flirting or learning or knowing how to flirt. She could be very aggressive, but it's been brought forth by many on this board it would move him away. (The reasons have been touched on.) So I suggest the slow approach. Like stand too close. (Not to forget the mouthwash.) Stand closer to him than I would to you if I met you as a fellow forum poster. Does he back away? Does he seem embarrassed? Does he seem repulsed? Does he go home and figure out what it means and if he wants her, does he stand close to her next meeting?

I just picked out "stand too close" as a possible. Maybe other INTPs here have more ideas. I'm not a flirting expert. I remember I once saw a former girlfriend years later I met by accident standing in front of the grocery. She had a flower design sown onto her jeans on her thigh. I commented and may have brought my fingers close. There was no doubt as to what this meant. It was a hot moment but ... sigh ... we went on our way ...

 

[Hermetic Alchemist]

Re: AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

Perhaps it's a matter of flirting or learning or knowing how to flirt. She could be very aggressive, but it's been brought forth by many on this board it would move him away. (The reasons have been touched on.) So I suggest the slow approach. Like stand too close. (Not to forget the mouthwash.) Stand closer to him than I would to you if I met you as a fellow forum poster. Does he back away? Does he seem embarrassed? Does he seem repulsed? Does he go home and figure out what it means and if he wants her, does he stand close to her next meeting?

I'm not sure about this. I feel that it (& flirting in general) is too nebulous to move things forward. He may overanalyze it to the point of information paralysis (or maybe that's just me..). On the other hand maybe it's a good start, she can then move to touching him (laying her hand on his arm etc), and THAT should be pretty obvious. Also she should make sure that she doesn't do any of those things with other people. That would confuse me.

Hmmm....I'll have to go away and analze this thread in more depth.

 

[Aramea]

Re: AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

Yeah, I'm not saying corner them and hold them at gunpoint until they make a decision, but I am saying don't thread too lightly just because someone's an INTP. They need to be able to deal with emotions. If they aren't, then they are most likely not someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway.


Um...
I'm an INTP. I'll prove it by clinging on to the word "assure" How can you offer assurance on such matters? Where is your proof? How many INTP's have you seen in a relationship?
Anyway...
The man I'm incredibly in love with is also an INTP.
It has been relaxed and happy since the first moment we met. And fun. So so so much fun. Everyone seems to be forgetting that it's all supposed to be about enjoying the time you spend together, not "getting them".
I always said exactly what was on my mind (even the forbidden premature "I love you") Never regretted it. Never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy spending time with him. Never been more relaxed with anyone. Ever.



I don't mean to sound mean, but the thought of tenacity being a significant factor in choosing a lover makes me shudder.



I do agree on some level, but these things should come naturally, you shouldn't have to rehearse and plan the way you are going to approach the person you love. For two reasons:
1) It takes all the fun out of it
2) It almost never works

So, I'm still with - go with what you feel, try and enjoy yourself, and if you end up crying on the floor, it'll be a good story to tell the grandchildren.

Sorry, was using "I assure you" in the vernacular and not literally to assure you. Perhaps "Most likely" would have been better. My hat is off to you (well, I'm not really wearing a hat right now ) if you were able to relax and go with your feelings. From the posts in this thread it would appear that you are the exception.

I fell hard for an INTJ in my mid thirties. It did require the tenacity part but he found a brick I forgot to mortar back in tightly after my divorce. I got carried away and did some very crazy things and almost did some crazier things before logic showed up and saved my crazy ass from the grips of a feeble feeling function. When INTPs abandon logic and reason they are left pretty vulnerable to making spectacles of themselves.

By tenacity, I mean not giving up after a short time because of the impression that I am too cold or not interested. Not many guys make the effort. When they do, it sends a signal to me that they are serious about me. I have now been married to an ESFP for ten years, and I can be pretty silly when I feel comfortable. Getting to that place can be a pretty grueling internal process. ESFPs are feelers, so it isn't all smooth sailing, but we do still have fun together. Our problems arise in parenting styles and the fact that he WILL NOT SHUT UP. That, and my tendency to be a hermit.

To put your mind at ease AlisaD, one month after we met he convinced me to work with him on a crazy Ren Fair type gig as a performer. It was excruciating, but I did it for two seasons to spend time with him. I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of even if I did feel like an idiot doing it. Still, though, I had a lot of inner turmoil during the "getting to know you" phase. All the chaos that surrounds an ESFP probably masked the fact that I spend most of my life in my own head.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

LOL, I chuckled reading this. Only INTJs eclipse INTPs in the deep freeze. Romantic poetry is pretty boring (well, I can practice my eye-rolling skill). So is the ballet. Even a monster truck rally would have some quality people watching potential and if im lucky I can laugh at my date if a beer spills on him.

Actually now, I just feel horrible. A few girls in the past have done these grand things for me in the past and I was not particularly cordial in response.

 

[Aramea]

Actually now, I just feel horrible. A few girls in the past have done these grand things for me in the past and I was not particularly cordial in response.

I respond to grand gestures cordially, but tend not to do well with overly romantic things. I start to fidget and my mind starts to wander. The exception is that I love flowers, especially roses. For some reason, ducking into the grocery store for a half dozen roses mean something to me ...

Don't beat yourself up too much. I made my ex-husband cry when I merely told him I had to replace the VCR he packed up with my "things". Apparently I have a "tone" problem with my voice. If poems and ballets are wasted on you there is no reason to encourage it.

Actually, your average INTP shouldn't be too hard to please in the long run. In one of my attempts at computer dating years ago we went to a free event to see Stephen Hawking speak. Met up at a coffee bar. This was one of those guys that figured the juice wouldn't be worth the squeeze and he never called me again. The lecture was fun, though ...

 

[Lobstrich]

INTPs don't love.

Incorrect statement is incorrect.

Spoiler

Or.. I just failed at sensing you were joking.

I really don't get this whole "INTPs have no feelings" deal. It is false.

 

[Lobstrich]

The question is simple...what do you think about love? And if you were in love with someone, or were very interested in them in a romantic way, how would you interact with them differently? Do INTP's love? (Not meant to be an insult...honest question.)


I ask this because I dearly love someone who I *think* is an INTP, which I'm assuming based on what I've read of the type. I've been trying to figure out for what feels like forever whether or not he loves me as I do him. And it's throwing my mind into chaos.

For example...I think I notice a slight change in character from when he's interacting with me to when he's interacting with other people. I think his eyes, voice, and touch are softer...I think he sits/stands closer to me than others and is 'drawn' to me...But I could be tricking myself. I don't know. I think I see a lot of things. Does that sound like an INTP in love? Or some other type?

He's literally my only real friend. So I do not want him to start distancing himself because I misperceived his behavior, and he isn't interested.

I don't even know how to approach it...I've never even been in a relationship before, which explains a lot. As an INTP and as a person, how would you prefer a girl to ask if you love her, if even at all.

If this information is relevant...which it probably is...I myself am an INFP. We are both teenagers, same age. So "how would you have gone about interacting with your love as a teen?" is probably a more accurate question. I know people change as they age.

Thanks, guys: greatly appreciated.

I can't really give you any 'hard' advice. All I know is that if I was him, and I liked you. You would never know for sure until you asked me. Every single female friend that I've had, and that I've developed some sort of attraction to. I've never gotten around to actually telling. Which ended up with me in the "friend zone" ---- Every girl.

I've had a single serious girlfriend. I didn't take the initiative.

Bottom line of my 'advice' is that if you want to know. Ask. I really can't give you any more, as I don't know any more. Sorry, hehe.

 

[BigApplePi]

Re: AlisaD: About HasteTheDay

I'm not sure about this. I feel that it (& flirting in general) is too nebulous to move things forward. He may overanalyze it to the point of information paralysis (or maybe that's just me..). On the other hand maybe it's a good start, she can then move to touching him (laying her hand on his arm etc), and THAT should be pretty obvious. Also she should make sure that she doesn't do any of those things with other people. That would confuse me.

Hmmm....I'll have to go away and analze this thread in more depth.

Herm Alch. I think you are right. If I remember back, a girl could flirt with me and I'd be too stupid to know for sure what it meant. So she ups the anti. She is a feeling person. She waits for when something really nice with him happens. Something he did or said she appreciates. She puts her hands on either of his shoulders and gives him a kiss on his cheek or more boldly, right on his lips. Would you agree this is not so ambiguous? As an INTP, I could say it is. Maybe she just got carried away. But it still is an opportunity. He can pretend it didn't happen or he can take action. Not all INTPs are smart. He might need an I.Q. of more than two digits for this.

 

[digital angel]

Good luck.

 

[MissQuote]

The question is simple...what do you think about love? And if you were in love with someone, or were very interested in them in a romantic way, how would you interact with them differently? Do INTP's love? (Not meant to be an insult...honest question.)

Yes. And ever so passionately. If only you could be in my head to understand.

 

[mke2686]

INTPs don't love.

Lier.

 

[mke2686]

Somewhere down the line, being my socially graceless self, I told him I wanted to have his babies :/.

 

[GYX_Kid]

pretty much the same as anyone else would. they just might have a harder time coming to understand their own emotions and what makes them go off, which can cause a lot of different types of confusion and things.

INTPs can be pussies about jumping into the unknown. that in my opinion is the achilles' heel of being one- having decided to stick with comfortable analysis instead of taking the red pill in certain situations has stuck me with (comfortable) regret. sucks so bad. they have a tendency to want to completely understand something before making any action. action usually requires judgement. it is however also possible to just try something and "see what happens".

extinct by instinct is the opposite, like a narcissistic ExFJ who gets beaten up for being a dumb asshole acting on quick feeling-assumptions, and then never really learns or just keeps going until they're forcefully stopped. the difference is that INTPs can actually learn from experience very quickly. they're stubborn in different ways.

 

[LAICK]

Hello there, I'm new here.

This is quite an interesting thread, just love (see what I did there) all the responses. Of course it's all very recognizable. As 20-something myself, I would like to add something to the conversation: get him drunk

Though this is - perhaps - a less favored method, it can be quite effective (this speaking from my own experience). I'm a male INTP, and I know of myself that when I've had enough to drink, all those extensive thought-patterns that occupy my mind during the day, will go away. This is a short-term fix however: because once the dust settles in, the INTP will be left wondering the next day if you meant it serious, or just as a fling, etc.

It's very interesting to read everyone's experiences here. My own solution to development on the 'love' and 'relationships' subject, is to find people who are not INTP's to go out with. It will be awkward at first, but if they like you enough (and know you enough) they'll put in the effort to give you some insight in how this all works.

During my highschool period, I was deeply in love at least twice, and I've been in love twice since. Everytime I really get to that stage, it's when I know a girl very well and have an emotional connection to her. This however, always only happens after the girl has already signed you off as 'just a friend'. It's hard to get back to a 'possible date' from that. And even when talking to a girl I like (when not drunk) I'm like 90% busy with my own incongruent thoughts, and 10% with the conversation.

It's living hell, knowing how you should act, but not being able to do it.

 

[scorpiomover]

I have found that other people HAVE emotions. I AM emotions. They almost completely overwhelm me. They so overwhelm me, that when I have them, I feel like I'm totally out of control. I do all sorts of stupid things when I'm following my feelings, and that just screws things up.

So, I shut them down. I keep them in a tight little box, until I feel really safe with a person. THEN I can let them out.

That's WHY I stick to Ti. I can think straight when I'm keeping my emotions out, and that means I can actually deal with life.

So, when anyone starts mentioning emotional stuff to me, I like it when they put things in as objective and unemotional fashion as possible.

I ended up going out with someone, because we were friends, and she asked me out. Note: she didn't say she liked me. She just asked me out. I went out with her, partially because she was a good friend, and I would want someone to give me that latitude, and partially because we were friends, and I thought it could maybe go further.

However, it didn't go anywhere. I held back, because she was a virgin, and I wasn't sure that the relationship would work, and I knew that the first time was really important. So once you are together, you might have to let him know that it's more important to just go with it, and maybe make a few first moves.

The Si-Fe underside of INTPs, means that when we ARE in the moment, we are really "in the moment". That side, is Si for us. It's practically automatic. No need to think. Just pure sensory pleasure. So there is a massive payback for making the first move.

Honestly, if women knew what INTPs could be like when we get our freak on, I think they'd all jump us. Mind you, that has happened to me more than once, and it just scared me silly.

So, as everyone else said, go slow. The only other thing to do, is to talk as objectively and unemotionally as possible. You can state how you two get on, what you want, and everything else, just so long as you don't give it any emotional overtones that might make him feel TOO emotional, and spin him out of control. Let him feel that he's under no pressure.

So let him know that you'll let him take his time to make his mind up. Let him know that no matter what, you'll still be friends, even if he isn't interested, and even if you do date and the relationship ends. Lastly, let him know that if he's confused, that you'll listen, and give him objective advice that will be good for him, and not tell him what you want him to do.

OK. Too much emotion for me. I'm baked now. Time for another cookie.

 

[Tora]

Yes of course we love, but that wasn't your question. Your question was 'how' correct? I may repeat others because being an INTP I just scanned other replies. We love deeply, doggedly, awkwardly. I feel out of control when Im in love and this is a security blanket ripped away. I feel excited and overwhelmed. My heart pounds and I start googling 'INTP love' and read obsessively about anything to wrap my cursed feelings in a neat package of thrifty thought secured by mastery of all available data. Forgive the thin and stretchy analogy but love is a bugger and it gets out of the box and I desperately try to pile it back in. I try to slam the lid. I feel afraid and unsure because no matter how much I learn and seek answers the feelings defy comfortable patterns. I pick up my phone. I erase his contact information. I reread emails I search for clues. I say wait wait wait. Sit still and he will call you. That's the only way to know he wants to be near you. If I reach first he will see my weakness and vulnerability. This is a vulnerability I despise with all of my heart. I think of a joke to send to make him laugh. I analyze neurotransmitter pathways and remind myself that this feeling is just dopamine adrenalin oxytocin perhaps, can't be serotonin bc I certainly don't feel good and relaxed.
I read his Myers Briggs type and calculate my actions calculate and look for evidence agaist this love. There is plenty, how can I be happy with concrete thinker? How could I respect such adherence to duty? Then I read a sentence that triggers a memory of us chasing a drunk naked man down the street, I laugh and miss him terribly. I feel stupid for all of this wasted angst. I say, just go to the lab get some effin work done this is ridiculous. I listen to angry fuck all y'all music and I see something interesting in a slide. My friend calls and tells me about her crappy boyfriend. I'm thinking thank dog I'm single. I'm feeling better.
He calls or texts. He says 'I'm thinking of you, I miss you. What are you doing?' I say 'in the lab'. I suddenly remember an old email where I said to him 'get over it we will NEVER be together. I thought I loved someone else then, we were fighting, I was mad. I remember how I broke his heart. I text back about the slides I'm looking at. Complain about lazy labmates using up my solutions. Talk about music maybe tell a dirty joke. I write out a text after awhile and say 'i love you, I want you, I was wrong' I erase it and send instead ' have fun, I gotta go to another lab wo cell reception. Talk later'. I listen to one sappy song then I get back to work because that's what I know how to do. I'm not good at love.
That's my experience anyway. Yes we love but it can make us feel like we are drowning. That's why we say go slow. My best advice, be easy to be with. The guy I'm talking about above, he was so easy to be with until it came to feelings. Fun, interesting, he was my best friend. He fell too in love with me and it all went way too fast. By the time I had enough time to understand everything , I had panicked too much and destroyed it. Feelings feel like shackles because they can't be categorized and easily understood. Understanding is our freedom and security. You world needs to be deeply felt and deeply cared for, an INFP I know sai once that she believed that everything could be fixed I she just loved it hard and long enough. I said I think that the same held true if people just understood things better. We both want to make the world better, she says it takes compassion, I say it takes clarity.

Dont worry about the rough sex. It will or will not be an issue. Lots of people have fanasty ideas but reality isn't like that. In a healthy relationship he won't get off on hurting you.

In a nut shell, if he is communicating with you, if he seems to want to be near you, you probably have a good chance. Just try to take deep breaths and hold back a little when you want to get into his soul. If he talks to you about his interests and seems excited, ask him more about it, be truly interested. It is then he is showing you his favorite part of himself. Nothing will make him feel better than you enjoying him in this way. After time he will feel easier with your favorite parts of you. Consider this the best way to love someone. Say he loves Physics, you don't care much about it but are charmed by his enthusiasm and are willing to try and learn you might be ok. After all, by asking him to risk love you are asking him to entertain the passion natural to you.

Good luck

 

[Tora]

Lol, I just went up and read the post above mine. We said the same thing. Shoulda read then typed. And just like him, after my post I'm exhausted and I need and am going to go play Halo and blow stuff up for awhile.

 

[BigApplePi]

Love?

Is it important?
How badly do you want to get from here to there?
Is the way clear?
You want it and don't know if you can get there
... you must try.

This is not laid-back casual.
You must be prepared and ready.
You must think of the possibilities
... without having the data to know what those possibilities are.

Hence emotion.

 

[NoMan]

Jesus bloody christ... O_o

Honestly, it's not that creepy.

I was a late bloomer myself, and as such was extremely awkward in my expression of attraction. I had no problem talking to people once a good ENFP friend of mine sat me down and pointed out--with unfiltered honesty and suggestions to improvement-- my social ineptitudes. Sometimes people just don't realize until later that their actions were too much, and it's easy for the young and untamed to get caught up in those emotions.

Also, hello forum. Inconsequently, this is my first post.

INTP here. Sometimes have gotten INTJ/INFJ. Have always matched the prototypical INTP description the most, though.

 

[Jelly Rev]

I reread emails I search for clues. I say wait wait wait. Sit still and he will call you. That's the only way to know he wants to be near you. If I reach first he will see my weakness and vulnerability. This is a vulnerability I despise with all of my heart. I think of a joke to send to make him laugh. I analyze neurotransmitter pathways and remind myself that this feeling is just dopamine adrenalin oxytocin perhaps, can't be serotonin bc I certainly don't feel good and relaxed.

ha yes I remember that in my younger days.

Now I am not a fan of this follow your feelings, be who you are, etc, etc,. what is this? wishful thinking?
I went about to create a system that would take advantage of the raw thought power of the INTP, rules are in place and women fall into place. control by engineering a succesful system. of course as an INTP I am always creating a better and better system. MY confidence to meet new women is based on my confidence of the system.
It could be said that using an artificial system is fake and or manipulative, but the system actually becomes me via habituation.

I would much rather use a system than the overanalysis I used to have.

 

[PapyrusAirplanes]

I have found that other people HAVE emotions. I AM emotions. They almost completely overwhelm me. They so overwhelm me, that when I have them, I feel like I'm totally out of control. I do all sorts of stupid things when I'm following my feelings, and that just screws things up.

So, I shut them down. I keep them in a tight little box, until I feel really safe with a person. THEN I can let them out.

That's WHY I stick to Ti. I can think straight when I'm keeping my emotions out, and that means I can actually deal with life.

Well said. Granted, "love" is not an emotion (or, at least, it shouldn't be labeled as such). But this is a good description of an INTP's expressive state. We feel a lot. We're usually just cautious about how much we let on.

OP: Hopefully you've done something by now. But if you haven't yet, my advice is to just be yourself. You're already good friends with him. He enjoys you as a person. Just be honest (but don't mention anything about babies). INTPs respect honesty, even if they don't agree.

 

[Vecho]

How do you stick to Ti? How do I choose what I want to do? All I do is think about what should I think about. I'd like to concentrate on the subject. Does love exempt us from thinking what,why,who...the hell?

 

[smithcommajohn]

I've had a girl tell me she wants to have my babies. I found it quite flattering instead of creepy, though I declined on the offer.

I think INTPs have a very strong and passionate love in them (I know I do), but we just don't show it that often. In fact, I think showing passion too frequently dilutes it to a point where it means nothing anymore.

Others correct me if I'm wrong, but I think, in general, INTPs enjoy space. We also enjoy being pursued. We want to feel loved, but can be too easily smothered. So show interest, but keep it light and make slowww progress towards more and we will fall madly in love with you.

 

[Minuend]

Romantic poetry is pretty boring (well, I can practice my eye-rolling skill). .

Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

Spoiler

They can be quite charming if tailored to the recipient.

 

[smithcommajohn]

Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

OMG, I think I just peed a little!

 

[wuthering]

Funny story...or at least I think it's funny. It was my freshman year of high school and I had the worst/best crush on this one guy. He was an INTJ (I know this because he had a tee shirt with 'INTJ' on it in big letters. I asked him about it).
I think they're exactly the same as you guys on love and all. I heard from his friends that he thought I was cute and almost gave myself a heart attack. My obsessive impulse kicked in.

Somewhere down the line, being my socially graceless self, I told him I wanted to have his babies :/. I was really determined to prove my love to him. I wrote him a long poem that I revised at least 50 times, trying to get it just right. I read a whole book on the subject for the sake of that one poem. I bought him a box of chocolates. I tried to get him to go to the ballet with me. I poured my heart out to him. I think it was too much.

That experience + your advice = lesson well learned on dealing with INTJs/INTPs. You're a tough bunch...

I had an experience somewhat similar to this once, though I was on the opposite side of it. A year ago or so, a friend of mine who I sort of liked told me he liked me and, when he found out that I sort of liked him in return, wrote me a really long poem and told me he loved me. I avoided him for weeks after that. I am also an INTP. So, uh, I would also advise you to stay away from declarations of love and take it sloooooooow.

And also give VERY clear signals. Giving hints will only make him question them and then (if he is anything like me) rationalize them by saying that you are just being friendly. And if he is not interested in you in return, attempt to just carry on as you normally would and it should not be very odd or anything.

 

[Ex-User (4771)]

That sound VERY much like an INTP in love.

The only way I am able to show a girl I really like her is by being much more of a 'soft' person, avoiding cruel jokes and such, trying to be a little helpful, and just trying to keep some conversations going. I'm too scared to touch her or anything. And I try to look her in the eyes a little more than I do with other people(which is almost never). Oh and I try to appear happier with her than I am with other people, so basically constantly having some sort of slight smile on my face.

I would just enjoy it if girls told me they liked me or not, I'm too shy to say anything about the matter, and I wouldn't be offended(if that's the right word for it) or creeped out or so if a girl told me she liked me and I didn't like her back.

that sounds exactly like how i show interest in a girl, and it pisses me off when they dont pick up on it. I always try to be closer, always look them straight in the eye, and always smile

 

[Kdosi]

I think the proper answer to How do INTPs love would be: stupidly!
Honestly, it´s kind of scary how much one tries to keep being in control - which, at least in my case, ends up in two kinds of horrendous cock-ups:
a) I blurt everything right away in an absolutely unbecoming way: "Hi, I was wondering if you would be interested in this lesson about chemical structure of paints used in medieval painting and maybe you could go with me. If you would like. I also have this restaurant booked up for after the lesson, but if you don´t like Italian food, we could go elsewhere, or if you would not be hungry, we don´t have to go enywhere. And by the way, I love you" (what is the saddest thing about this, I really said that to a boy. For some weird reason, he got scared)
b) You want to avoid a) so much you screw it because you appear NOT INTERESTED. While you would write poems and try to understand any and every of your current interest´s gesture, posture, tone of voice and generally educate yourself about anything you know he is interested in ( I guess I could never delete the information about Czech hockey-players, motorcycle repairing and fishing with boilies), you never say. You keep talking to the person about those (now mutual) interests (by the way, I know I know too much aout too many subjects, but I would think that learning about something so irrelevant as any kind of sport so much would be a terrible giveaway that I am, indeed, interested - apparently, not so), meeting him, helping him at school etc., but he never says anything, because he doesn´t know what your answer would be, and you don´t say anything cause you know you would say too much. So you generally wait until he realises and invites you somewhere or just plainly says something, which he won´t do, because if I learned something, people generally don´t say what they think (unlike me sometimes). And then it´s too late.

So now I try to find some middle ground, which is hard and not always succesful, obviously. I find that some advice from INFPs is useful (don´t know why, but my brother is one and we wierdly get along, even when he´s behaving like a chameleon sometimes and I step into society as a social troll) - perhaps they share some kind of lost feeling or something (whatever).

So, as I said, it takes a lot of your time (learning stuff he´s interested in, analyzing everything he does), makes you angry as hell (what the fuck is wrong with me, why don´t I just behave normally), even more socially inept than usual (you are so immersed in this seemingly unsolvable problem you behave like that extremely curious three year old you started as - which means that if you ever picked up some way of surviving big social gatherings, avoiding saying things that seem to upset others, not-discussing political and philosophical differences with people eminating rock-solid stupidity about those themes which you can´t avoid (such as your granny)- it´s all gone...) and can leave you quite sure that it might be better for society in general if you just left those things to someone more capable...

Which is bollocks! Ask my boyfriend

 

[Cognisant]

Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

Can I clone you?

 

[SMO]

Isn't it obvious? Intps love with their pness.

 

[gilliatt]

Why is love so important? Can't we live without it? Is romantic love for everyone? To make love work there has to be more than just love. Knowledge, skill, attitude, self-responsibility. "One of the ways you can sabotage a relationship is by being more interested in making yourself right than in understanding what your partner is trying to tell you." Nathaniel Branden

 

[PhoenixRising]

I may be mistaken, but I haven't seen this answer anywhere;

Stop categorizing your feelings!!!

I find as an INTP, I despise the stereotypical "romance" mindset that people stuff themselves into when they think they want to be with someone. I do it too.. however I do it intentionally and it took years of studying psychology books, practicing in mental scenarios and screwing up in real life. Originally, when I felt attraction to another person, I would just gravitate towards them, kind of like what your friend has been doing.

Instead of thinking in black and white, "he likes me" or "he doesn't like me", just accept that he does like you in the way he does right now. He hangs out with you right? That means he likes being around you. Why not just let things evolve as they will without having to label your relationship?

Something else about INTPs; usually, if we are going to express something, it comes out blunt and to the point. So if he really, really likes you enough to come out of his shell and tell you, expect him to just blurt it out.

I would suggest that you let him say it first. If you are going to ask him if he likes you, ask in a straight forward way. Don't tell him how you feel unless you are sure he feels the same way for you. Otherwise, you'll probably scare him away.

Also, if you do end up dating him.. I wouldn't expect him to do anything in a timely manner. It doesn't matter if I'm head over heels for someone, I will likely be at least 20 minutes late to a date. Damn P-ness...

 

[Duxwing]

Slow and steady wins the race.

This is true for me, at least. If I like a girl, I'm not going to mess around: "I love you" means "you're within 10% of Miss Right, so get ready to move in or leave me". If I don't mean it I don't say it, and trust me, it will be a decade before that phrase passes my lips.

Conversely, I will try to say things like "I'm very fond of you" or "You warm my heart" or just "Awww" if the time and feelings are right. Again, when I say these things, I mean them wholeheartedly, for using imprecise language actually makes me gag and grimace.

So remember that for him, every word and every touch has meaning; everything goes into the big dossier in his head, and not a single eyelash-batting will go unscrutinized. Don't worry, this is healthy; for him, this is a wrestling match with the 800-pound gorilla that is his feelings. But be cautioned in knowing that he has a fully-automatic twelve-gauge drum-fed shotgun (i.e., Cold, pure logic the likes of which the world has never known) in his corner of the ring, and the only reason that he doesn't turn that ape into bush meat is that it's just too darn cute, even if it is strangling him.

So be very, very careful and gentle. Behind that stoic wall of logic, his feelings are incredibly sensitive and can easily be scarred forever. Please, for the love of compassion, be gentle with him once you two are close.

I said 'once' because that boy is head-over-heels in love with you. There's no denying it, he's doing his best to cudgel out a nice little Fe sculpture for you. Be proud; it takes a lot for him to come out of his shell like that. Sit next to him when you two are alone, and then rest your head on his shoulder, but make sure that he knows it's coming by looking him in the eye and then at his shoulder. He'll get the message and let you cuddle him.

So, in summary, I must say, "Awwwww! How sweet! He really likes you." Have fun, you two, and remember, be slow, be sweet, and soon he'll be kneeling by your feet.

-Duxwing