How do INTPs Love?

[The Borg]

I was about to answer this topic, but then I realized that I just wanted an excuse to initiate a monologue about my fiancee.

 

[MsAnthropy_Indefatigably]

That sound VERY much like an INTP in love.

The only way I am able to show a girl I really like her is by being much more of a 'soft' person, avoiding cruel jokes and such, trying to be a little helpful, and just trying to keep some conversations going. I'm too scared to touch her or anything. And I try to look her in the eyes a little more than I do with other people(which is almost never). Oh and I try to appear happier with her than I am with other people, so basically constantly having some sort of slight smile on my face.

I would just enjoy it if girls told me they liked me or not, I'm too shy to say anything about the matter, and I wouldn't be offended(if that's the right word for it) or creeped out or so if a girl told me she liked me and I didn't like her back.

Feels weird to be a female INTP for these reasons. I am INTP and my boyfriend (who I now live with) is INFJ. I feel more comfortable with him than anyone and I find I do the same thing @Dimensional Transition does where I smile a little more than I ever do around others and don't come out the gate with insults and harsh tones towards him. I am not usually mean to others, but I am less agreeable and stand-offish... aloof... is that the new word they use for that? lol

When I'm with him, I think especially because I'm female INTP, I get a little giddy. inside I feel like, OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! when i know i'm about to see him or he smiles at me or tells me he loves me, but I would dare not act that way outwardly. I stay reserved, but I give him attention I don't give other people, like helping a little more, being more attentive or dare I say, submissive, when appropriate.

I do agree with @PhoenixRising also that you just have to let it evolve. I don't know about other INTP's, but I think when relationships need to "develop on a schedule", it becomes a source of anxiety for me. I don't like when people ask me WHEN i'm going to do something that I think should just happen when it's time. Relationships for me are very personal, I don't like discussing my sig O at length with people and even PDA is slightly overwhelming for me.

Hope that helps answer some of your question!

 

[Fghw]

I've noticed that my loves follow a similar pattern:

Infatuation
Inspiration
Obsession
Depression
Breakdown: this is the one time I actually say anything
Recovery
Acceptance

Supposedly I'm an INTP.

 

[Silphiums]

My two cents here is from my own experience... with dogs.
So, pardon the odd metaphor here...

Some types are like golden retrievers - they love you because they love you and you're perfect because they love you forever.

Some types are like labs - they love you because they love to be useful to you, just tell 'em what to do and they'll do it.

I see INTPs as huskies -
do they love you? yes. They are deeply loyal and will pull your sled 'til the end of the continent, IF it's what they decide they want to do.
Do they have to jump all over you, licking and slobbering with overt displays of affection? NO. And hell if you try to show them affection, they'd just as soon nip your hand if you try. They are relatively solitary, but like to be near their pack. Their "love" is deep, and connected to mutual respect.

I think INTPs show mutual respect, nearing love, by the very fact they want to be around you at all. And will occasionally put up with a scratch behind the ears (like holding hands), and may respond (when they feel like it) with an appropriate quick lick to the face. If you push much beyond that they will retreat to their favorite icy spot.

 

[Duxwing]

My two cents here is from my own experience... with dogs.
So, pardon the odd metaphor here...

Some types are like golden retrievers - they love you because they love you and you're perfect because they love you forever.

Some types are like labs - they love you because they love to be useful to you, just tell 'em what to do and they'll do it.

I see INTPs as huskies -
do they love you? yes. They are deeply loyal and will pull your sled 'til the end of the continent, IF it's what they decide they want to do.
Do they have to jump all over you, licking and slobbering with overt displays of affection? NO. And hell if you try to show them affection, they'd just as soon nip your hand if you try. They are relatively solitary, but like to be near their pack. Their "love" is deep, and connected to mutual respect.

I think INTPs show mutual respect, nearing love, by the very fact they want to be around you at all. And will occasionally put up with a scratch behind the ears (like holding hands), and may respond (when they feel like it) with an appropriate quick lick to the face. If you push much beyond that they will retreat to their favorite icy spot.

That's a deep freeze, buddy. Heck, my mom calls me Spock now and then and even I loved holding hands in middle school.

-Duxwing

 

[Vrecknidj]

I was about to answer this topic, but then I realized that I just wanted an excuse to initiate a monologue about my fiancee.

So? Realize your dream man! You have a forum!

 

[Tunes]

I've never felt a mutual love with another person. I thought I was at one point, but i was mistaken. So I'm not sure how to answer your question, enjoy my useless input.

 

[Riggly]

Ok so here it is - Was friends/colleague with INTP (male) for almost two years. Out of the blue he starts texting, facebooking lots of flirty messages and liking all my pictures. We meet for a 'business' meeting, start up a crazy love affair for two months. He leaves to go make a film (highly stressful, things went wrong) His emails and chats started off with lots of affection but then gradually faded out until now after three months they hardly ever come .

USUALLY I would assume he was THAT guy who was 'just not that into you' HOWEVER When I do get an email (maybe once a week) it's one line like 'hey (pet name) hows your short film going?' or 'I might take you back to Mexico (re finishing his film) 'pet name' I just might'.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I read everywhere that INTP's need copious amounts of space? but regardless of his hard time in Mexico - has he gone off me? Has he withdrawn because his film ran out of money? does he not think I'm intelligent? Our relationship is complicated - has his 'T' got the better of him? Or is it that he just needs to focus on his film? what?

ENFP here which is quite an odd mix but I've always fallen the hardest for an INTP, it never works out but I think you guys have some serious sex appeal that gets me everytime - I'd like to try figure this one out.... he comes home in 4 days... Is he even gonna call?

 

[Spin Doctor]

I've noticed that my loves follow a similar pattern:

Infatuation
Inspiration
Obsession
Depression
Breakdown: this is the one time I actually say anything
Recovery
Acceptance

Supposedly I'm an INTP.

So true... unfortunately. The legends say that somewhere down the line it will end at inspiration! What a bunch of hooey...

 

[Duxwing]

Ok so here it is - Was friends/colleague with INTP (male) for almost two years. Out of the blue he starts texting, facebooking lots of flirty messages and liking all my pictures. We meet for a 'business' meeting, start up a crazy love affair for two months. He leaves to go make a film (highly stressful, things went wrong) His emails and chats started off with lots of affection but then gradually faded out until now after three months they hardly ever come .

USUALLY I would assume he was THAT guy who was 'just not that into you' HOWEVER When I do get an email (maybe once a week) it's one line like 'hey (pet name) hows your short film going?' or 'I might take you back to Mexico (re finishing his film) 'pet name' I just might'.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I read everywhere that INTP's need copious amounts of space? but regardless of his hard time in Mexico - has he gone off me? Has he withdrawn because his film ran out of money? does he not think I'm intelligent? Our relationship is complicated - has his 'T' got the better of him? Or is it that he just needs to focus on his film? what?

ENFP here which is quite an odd mix but I've always fallen the hardest for an INTP, it never works out but I think you guys have some serious sex appeal that gets me everytime - I'd like to try figure this one out.... he comes home in 4 days... Is he even gonna call?

He's likely lost in the world of film-making. When INTP's study something, they can often become "in the grip" of their inferior function and lose track of everything else in the world, even the ones whom they love. It's happened to me with philosophy. Therefore, when he comes home, ask if you can come over and try to bring him out of "the grip" of film-making long enough to get your point of "I understand that you love film-making, but I want you to make time for me. Otherwise, I'll leave you." across as plainly and clearly as you can. Don't leave any room for second-guessing or his Ne will run wild.

Apart from my advice, Awwww, I hope that you two will enjoy a long and fruitful relationship.

-Duxwing

 

[Riggly]

Thanks Duxwing

 

[Duxwing]

Thanks Duxwing

You're welcome to it any time. Send us a postcard when you go to Mexico!

-Duxwing

 

[Sorlaize]

other people aren't loyal enough. It doesn't work. If half of marriages end that's proof enough, for my situation. I invest in myself; I rely on myself. I can trust myself.

 

[Duxwing]

other people aren't loyal enough. It doesn't work. If half of marriages end that's proof enough, for my situation. I invest in myself; I rely on myself. I can trust myself.

All marriages are not the same. Some people marry at a very young age-- before they know what they truly want in a partner. Some people are unsuitable for marriage: drunks, madmen, and criminals. Others still seek marriage as a crutch for their own psychological problems. So dismissing marriage on the basis of a uniformly distributed fifty percent likelihood of failure is, in the words of the great Spock, highly illogical.

-Duxwing

 

[Nezaros]

This sounds incredibly familiar... Even the date, dear god.

 

[Riggly]

Ok so - your advice worked - All week I had been dropping hints, sending texts, emails that I would like to see him after returning from Mexico and nothing worked, didn't even reply to half my lovey miss you messages until today when I told him - if he continued to shut me out I would leave.

-Would you believe, he was devastated? Suddenly begging me to reconsider, desperate to organize seeing each other - I couldn't believe it - I was so sure he had moved on and the whole time he thought we were in a relationship - WTF??
Anyway thanks Duxwing you could be very useful in the future lol

 

[tairos]

Our reticence is our strength -- one of our very few. I've roped girls in with it a few times, only to ruin it by an explosion of belated but earnest emotional reciprocation. Then they decide you must not be all that after all and move on with little fanfare.

 

[kora]

Personally like a child and with absolutely no desire for possession and very small degrees of jealousy that I rationally push away. Jealousy is the most useless of all emotions.

 

[Duxwing]

Ok so - your advice worked - All week I had been dropping hints, sending texts, emails that I would like to see him after returning from Mexico and nothing worked, didn't even reply to half my lovey miss you messages until today when I told him - if he continued to shut me out I would leave.

-Would you believe, he was devastated? Suddenly begging me to reconsider, desperate to organize seeing each other - I couldn't believe it - I was so sure he had moved on and the whole time he thought we were in a relationship - WTF??
Anyway thanks Duxwing you could be very useful in the future lol

Yes! *fist pump* It worked! *high five* And Awwwwww, that's a classic INTP for you: oblivious to the end. I hope that he notices your affection more in the future.

-Duxwing

 

[Proletar]

This video explains my relationship with love better than anything else.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ-ggzfdsMs

 

[walfin]

Ok so here it is - Was friends/colleague with INTP (male) for almost two years. Out of the blue he starts texting, facebooking lots of flirty messages and liking all my pictures. We meet for a 'business' meeting, start up a crazy love affair for two months. He leaves to go make a film (highly stressful, things went wrong) His emails and chats started off with lots of affection but then gradually faded out until now after three months they hardly ever come .

USUALLY I would assume he was THAT guy who was 'just not that into you' HOWEVER When I do get an email (maybe once a week) it's one line like 'hey (pet name) hows your short film going?' or 'I might take you back to Mexico (re finishing his film) 'pet name' I just might'.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I read everywhere that INTP's need copious amounts of space? but regardless of his hard time in Mexico - has he gone off me? Has he withdrawn because his film ran out of money? does he not think I'm intelligent? Our relationship is complicated - has his 'T' got the better of him? Or is it that he just needs to focus on his film? what?

ENFP here which is quite an odd mix but I've always fallen the hardest for an INTP, it never works out but I think you guys have some serious sex appeal that gets me everytime - I'd like to try figure this one out.... he comes home in 4 days... Is he even gonna call?

From my experience with my previous ENFJ. He's not disinterested but just busy. And it can be quite difficult to communicate. Every time he texts you he has to think really really hard about what to say so that he doesn't bore you/make you cry/<other undesirable outcomes>. Phone calls are even harder because they're real time.

When you talk to him don't berate him for neglecting you because that will certainly drive him away. But you can bug him about taking you to Mexico, that's OK.

 

[Duxwing]

From my experience with my previous ENFJ. He's not disinterested but just busy. And it can be quite difficult to communicate. Every time he texts you he has to think really really hard about what to say so that he doesn't bore you/make you cry/<other undesirable outcomes>. Phone calls are even harder because they're real time.

When you talk to him don't berate him for neglecting you because that will certainly drive him away. But you can bug him about taking you to Mexico, that's OK.

Her boyfriend isn't an ENFJ. He's an INTP, and she's an ENFP. I hope that that cleared up your view of things.

-Duxwing

 

[WhatName]

Being an INTP female teenager, my "feelings" pretty much confused me, even to the point of where I feel that I really like someone but may in fact not actually like them, genuinely.

The last time I thought I liked someone (there's only one), I do the opposite of what an attracted person would do, and different from every other INTP on here said. I ignored him much more than I do anyone else, act as if he didn't exist, and pretend that I did not see his signs of interest. Yes, he showed attraction first, in fact I only start noticing him after he showed the obvious signs, but I'd just look past him whenever he's looking at me. Actually it's not that I'm doing this on purpose, I just feel awkward with him around and failed to control my impulse of avoiding him. However, when I realized that I've lost him (he had a gf after that), I did gather up my courage and actually confronted him about this matter to seek the truth. He denied of having ever showed any kind of attraction towards me, which I to this day still feel very skeptical about. I've even told him that I PREVIOUSLY (its easier and less awkward to talk about something that has passed) had feelings for him just to make him spill something out, he didn't. It's actually pretty unusual for me to confront anyone about such matter, let alone confess my feelings.

I just kept analysing myself after that, and despite how he made me came out of my shell, I now believe that what I felt for him was not genuine interest, but rather attraction towards how he made me feel "conceited" since I've always had a huge ego. I also realized that I basically treat everyone who showed interest (I became kinda observant after the case with the first dude) the same way - cold. For some reason their scrutiny made me feel very awkward and self-conscious. I currently have an INTP-ish male friend who I'm quite fond of, and the way I treat him sounds more like how members describe themselves in this topic. But I suspect that I only like him as a friend and am just attracted to the similarities between us since I rarely come across INTPs.

Gah, emotions are confusing . Sometimes it feels more like my mind making things up than anything else. Just thought I'd post it since it's kinda different from the rest.

 

[Opaque Waters]

huh

Have been lurking on the forum for a while but made an account just to ask: 'what's that song in your sig?'
EDIT: nvm, found it. It's really chilled out, I like it!

 

[Peripheral Visionary]

How do INTP's love?

My preference is with coconut butter and a whisk.

 

[Riggly]

we gave it a really good go but we broke up - still adore him but his 'space thing' got the better of me and his hurting me from not 'being ready for a full on relationship' got the better of him. What wonderful people creatures you are - so complex. I miss his story telling, his strange outbursts of walking around in circles. His deep thinking. His ability to teach his artistic craft with wonderful articulation. YUP I'm mooching around -

 

[C.Hecker88]

Love?

I don't think that the OP is feeling love. What she is feeling is attraction/desire.

All the same,
As an INTP teen, I do tend to speak much gentler (but still strait to the point) to the girl I'm interested in. When I talk to her, my voice gets lighter. I joke around, but I try to keep most of the profanity I'm known for among my friends out of them (note: most. we have similar senses of humor). I feel a sort of high, yet I also feel slightly worried.

I'd honestly say that I do feel a small bit of jealousy when I see her with some of her other guy friends, but I try to push this off.

When I do get the chance to talk to her long enough to start an actual conversation, it can last hours. Otherwise, we only really talk for a short time 1-2 times a day.

 

[Admichla]

Hi. I'm an INTP. I will tell you what I would like.

I would like to be told exactly how you feel truthfully. The only way you can scare me off if I sense that when you say "I love you," you are really looking for, "I want you to love me but I'm too afraid to be direct about it."

That said, in your case, I would say something like, "I want you to love me." Why? Because that is EXACTLY what you want... or is it?

If you say this, and don't mean it, THAT is what scares me off. This is why we arrive at the illogical idea that saying how you feel scares people off. 95% of people say how they feel when they don't mean it. It is hearing things people don't mean that scare people off. This is the difference between saying, "I love you vs. I want you to love me," or "I want to run away with you forever vs. I fantasize about running away with you forever."

Thinking you mean it when you don't is just immaturity. This is a red flag for me because it threatens my security on an unconscious level. Raw honesty is sexy

 

[Admichla]

haha sums up the love dilema for an INTP.

 

[Admichla]

Lastly, how do I get when in love?

1. My fear of rejection is reinforced by my Introverted thinking. This means I will be afraid to express myself, and will continue to avoid facing this fear by creating logical reasons for why this fear must be adhered to in the first place. This is by far the most pathetic INTP quality.

2. I will smile automatically (especially upon eye contact) whenever I see the person I love first enter the room. Conscious, or unconscious.

3. When the person I love's speaks, I will give them my undivided attention. I will pretend not to when I or the group I belong to is not being addressed by her.

4. When I act vulnerable in anyway, I must counter this behavior by emotionally distancing myself in someway. A great example is giving the person I love attention to even something I clearly don't care about, like talking about how warm your coat is. I might chuckle or something. It's my shitty way of trying to connect to things which in truth bore me. These moments expose me, and I must counter it by perhaps not responding to everything you say.

5. I will not touch you under any circumstance. Thinking about making a move is extremely uncomfortable for me, and it stigmatizes the love process. I therefore suffer with love as a mixture of obligation and unpredictable emotional impulses.

6. I will look you in the eye, and will only look away when I consciously notice that I might be showing that I fancy you.

7. I will talk to you through people. Talking to others near you, I am conscious of you listening.

 

[PhoenixRising]

How to tell if an INTP cares about you:

They'll complain about you a lot. They'll worry about you. And they'll tolerate your presence or perhaps even be willing to talk to you. They'll also poke you at random.

 

[Architect]

How to tell if an INTP cares about you:

They'll complain about you a lot. They'll worry about you. And they'll tolerate your presence or perhaps even be willing to talk to you. They'll also poke you at random.

Pretty accurate. Though in my experience INTP's can be quite cuddly and affectionate too.

 

[Duxwing]

Pretty accurate. Though in my experience INTP's can be quite cuddly and affectionate too.

Though I can't relate to PhoenixRising's description, I agree with yours: I love affection!

-Duxwing

 

[Brontosaurie]

properly

 

[PhoenixRising]

Pretty accurate. Though in my experience INTP's can be quite cuddly and affectionate too.

mm yea ^^ not all the time, but in the right mood we can be.

 

[silver_writer]

INTPs don't love.

We do love, just not in the conventional way most people think of. INTPs tend to hide their feelings because they're scared to death of the irrationality of them (at least, that's how I feel). I personally find liking someone to be very difficult because I don't know how to handle my feelings and often end up trying to shut them down. Please don't say that we don't love. We're human too, and feel human emotions, even though it doesn't always show.

 

[Alias]

"That sound VERY much like an INTP in love.

The only way I am able to show a girl I really like her is by being much more of a 'soft' person, avoiding cruel jokes and such, trying to be a little helpful, and just trying to keep some conversations going. I'm too scared to touch her or anything. And I try to look her in the eyes a little more than I do with other people(which is almost never). Oh and I try to appear happier with her than I am with other people, so basically constantly having some sort of slight smile on my face.

I would just enjoy it if girls told me they liked me or not, I'm too shy to say anything about the matter, and I wouldn't be offended(if that's the right word for it) or creeped out or so if a girl told me she liked me and I didn't like her back."

Dimensional Transition said this earlier in the thread, and it is surprisingly relatable. It's almost as if I wrote it.

 

[Sinny91]

I attract extroverts because of "mysteriousness" (whatever that means). But then they see "oh she wants to take it slow", and I guess they dont.

I have a feeling, I might be one of the last ones. if ever, to find someone.

Whatever though.. they aren't my priority in life at this moment.

Lol, ditto.
I'm often left wondering; 'what is with these guys?!'.

In regards to the OP, I've never been in love so far, but I'm only 23...
Although at this rate the future looks slightly dim.
I have been described as cold hearted, unloving, picky.
I can be affectionate tho, and can revert to lack of logic in in the trials of lust.

 

[Vion]

I'm going to solve all of your problems. Just hit on him. I mean literally hit on him with your fist. And knock your shoes together. If you like the response he gives then do it again.

Didn't see that at first. I mean as in rape fantasies and strangling and such. I know that would come a lot later, but it's still something I'd like to know if he's into at all...:/

These notions are typical of a young woman's view on sexuality. I think impetous is a fitting word to describe this form of puritanical impotency. Have you ever read little red riding hood? The big bad wolf is a metaphor for men. Having to deal with this sort of two faced projection put upon one's self is all a part of becoming a man.

The only reason men crave sexual relations is because such acts are never fully satisfying. In reality there is often far too much feminine timidness to ever copulate. Such acts will be a rushed and placated affair filled with anxiety. And even if you manage as a man to pull it off successfully you will have the long interogations and paranoid threats that transpire after a woman realizes there is something indulgent they have been missing out on.

A woman's ego functions on two terms: Authority is correct and if one person is wrong then the other is right and vice versa. The solution is to give them a new rulebook and apply a few double negatives and false positives, but it is hard to maintain the translations with such primitive morality. Introducing sex to most women is no different than introducing fire for the first time to cave men. They either worship you as a God or run screaming.

 

[Oprale]

Didn't read everything and I might not be helpful.

I only had one adult crush, and a lover when I was a child. My way of showing affection was very different for each.

As a child, I was very outgoing and used to always talk to my lover, play with him, say jokes and be mad at him when he spent too much time without me. My affection was very clear.

Things changed since then. Around the person I love, I'm crippling awkward. I can barely utter a few words, fearing I'll say something idiotic because my brain is already way too busy printing this holy moment into my mind forever to actually concentrate on generating intelligent thoughts.

I smile a lot without thinking about it, so I might look happy but dont get mistaken - I'm confused as hell. I don't use my hands because I'm shaking and don't want to show it, my heart races like it's the last seconds of my life and I feel as sick as if it was pumping acid trough my body.

God, this is terrible...

So yeah from the exterior I probably look like a weird girl who might say like 5 words to you while crossing arms. Oh and either try her best not to look at you in the eyes OR do it excessively. Depends on my mood.

She will never know I'm thinking about her everyday since two years. It's kinda lame and creepy.

 

[Alias]

The problem with NT and INTP love is that our signs of affection go overlooked, due to our 'comfort zone' being completely different. For me, going up to someone I like and talking to them is more of an effort and more of a sign of affection than others think it is. As Introverts, we also usually do not take the outgoing approach. Often we will leave hints or just be kind to the person, leaving the deduction to them. The Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs approach is usually only socially acceptable on the female side, so scared, introverted INTP males often have their troubles.

 

[Pizzabeak]

From my experience with INTPs as long as there's some attempt at communicating then there is probably some care involved. If you say he's your only friend then you should make sure not to behave as if you are dating, unless the romantic feelings are mutual. A lack of interaction can also indicate interest, however, if you're already friends he might just think you are cool. Considering the approximate age I would expect the INTP to not do anything helpful for expressing his affection until a long time has passed, in other words, to meet the expectations of the other party. My most critical assessment is that as long as they put effort to spend time with someone then some type of care is being shown, or maybe he's just bored and is hanging out with friends.