Suicide

[BrBaFan225]

I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with what I am, and has had the same thoughts as me.

Here lately I have been severely depressed. I'm talking for a good month and a half, I have had strong suicidal thoughts. I keep telling myself if only I didn't have parents, I would have already killed myself. I've caught myself in very scary situations, for example walking alone in the dark at night in a not so nice neighborhood, not even scared; because if I died right then I wouldn't really care. I have one real friend right now, and I'm currently not in college. But that isn't all of the reason. It isn't even most of the reason..

I feel like no matter what I do on this Earth, in 200+ years everything I did will be irrelevant. So all of my struggles, the pain I have to endure. The relationships I make, all for nothing in the end. Anything I can possibly do someone has already done before. In 5 billion years the Earth won't even exist due to the sun moving closer and closer, so nothing any of us do really matter at all. We are put here and forced to exist, go to school and work every day, for what? A house that will some day be someone else's to live in, and then die and then pass on? I just don't see a point in living if in a few centuries noone will even know I existed. Or care about my existence at all. I honestly feel like a zombie just trudging through life until my death arrives. The planet is kind of my playground. Living is just something to do to me, I guess. Something that I could end doing at anytime and be content.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Hello there. If you need people to talk to feel free to share your ideas with the forum.


When we cut the bullshit in life this is what it comes down to. It is easier to ignore the truth when you are surrounded by positive reinforcement, but those who are without are forced to wake up to it everyday.

People have said it a million times but suicide really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is temporary and pain is temporary. If you are convinced this is the path for you I can't stop you but I'd just like you to consider the alternative: if life is meaningless and unimportant, why not take that and try to create a new meaning? Why not live to defy nothingness and create something? Why not spite mortality and seek to build something that is everlasting?

 

[Auburn]

The planet is kind of my playground. Living is just something to do to me, I guess. Something that I could end doing at anytime and be content.

[bimgx=500]http://imgur.com/c1cDPyP.jpg[/bimgx]

The absurdity of life, as a mere fact of reality, carries no implications that require us to despair. The neutrality of the universe leaves open the question of what to do with existence -- to us.

Suicide or survival; death or a cup of coffee. Neither is a better option!

But I think often times when a rationalization goes down the line of suicide, it uses pseudo-intellectual arguments to justify a cessation of existence, but logic can't really answer the question of whether to live or not.

In my experience this mental trajectory often implies a non-dispassionate feeling; something troubling in the experience of life for which suicide would be a pleasant escape. And the nihilistic arguments/truths simply complement that already emotionally vulnerable or sorrowful state rather well -- as it means a cessation of suffering.

How are you in life?
What is it like...?

Is the thought of not leaving a mark itself the primary objection you have toward living? Can't life be enjoyed for its own sake, and for as long as it lasts, mark be left or not?

 

[Reluctantly]

It is kind of frustrating that there is no objective reason to exist. Nothing you do, as you said, will stick around after you die. You'll live your life moment from moment until the moment it's over; the idea that people should live because things might get better is a pointless comparison because things will always get better at some times and worse at others. The real question is whether that is worth it or not to you.

Personally, I find the idea of feeling I want to not exist anymore as something that makes me a little angry. It's like a fickle parent that decides they want to nurture you one day and get rid of you the next. I'd rather exist and suffer just to spite everyone, as strange as that sounds. So I guess I've mostly made my decision.

It's kind of funny though that there is no third option. Either you die or you live. What would it be like to neither die nor live?


anyway, I suspect you won't come back to post. But I'm curious to hear what you decide and why.

 

[nanook]

imagine exactly what auburn said only in my own completely different way more emotional and possibly offensive words

[..]

actually i don't agree with this idea that we do not leave a mark. we just don't recognizee it's small value (for future generations) or even it's reality. but either way, it doesn't matter, as we get nothing out of future value. and would only be offended, thinking: all this suffering for a tiny bit of evolutionary advance?

so it comes down to hacking suffering. one contribution might be integrating whatever unknown thoughts and feelings are being suppressed here by distracting rationalisations.

 

[TheManBeyond]

so u don;t enjoy waking up and eating ur favourite cereals?
or listening to that funky bassline in virtual insanity by jamiroquai?
or anihilating without mercy sif the wolf for being against pet lovers cliches?
or kissing a girl and having sex with her and next day meeting a new one who also wants cheap thrills with u?
or encountering a guy who holds handgranade and shows it to u and then talks in a foreign language, u be like this was all smiling like being high as fuck?
or writting a new song that u think is super cool and u make plans for making it an inmortal anthem?
or seeing molotov rain, burning threes, blood and more things while u walk in the streets of a foreign capital?
wtf man, there's just too much to enjoy.
i don't care if it won't be forever. it will be until some point, that's what matters.
STEP UR GAME UP SON
IT'S ALL ABOUT ZKILLZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsBBJ0IxvW4

 

[Tannhauser]

Your nihilistic narrative is a way to fit logic to how you feel, not the other way around.

Start by finding ways to infuse your life with interesting activity and good emotions instead of doing all this pseudo-philosophizing.

 

[Cognisant]

The planet is kind of my playground. Living is just something to do to me, I guess. Something that I could end doing at anytime and be content.

Sounds like a perfectly happy nihilist to me.
Death is a comforting/liberating prospect, it's not unusual to be enamored with it.

I feel like no matter what I do on this Earth, in 200+ years everything I did will be irrelevant. So all of my struggles, the pain I have to endure. The relationships I make, all for nothing in the end. Anything I can possibly do someone has already done before. In 5 billion years the Earth won't even exist due to the sun moving closer and closer, so nothing any of us do really matter at all. We are put here and forced to exist, go to school and work every day, for what? A house that will some day be someone else's to live in, and then die and then pass on? I just don't see a point in living if in a few centuries noone will even know I existed. Or care about my existence at all.

Insulting isn't it?

Death may not be inevitable, we live in unprecedented times after all.

 

[EditorOne]

If the planet is your playground, by all means seize the opportunity and play. Additionally, if you're looking for analysis, life is its own reason for existence, it's just that simple. No need to look for additional significance. No need to worry if you're up to the task, or that it must all mean something for it to continue.

You've gotten excellent discussions from folks much more equipped to deal with this, since I don't think I've had a suicidal thought in my life and therefore don't adequately get it thoroughly enough to say "here's what you do." I daresay you're hearing from folks who have been there and done that, or, rather, been there and NOT done that. However, it has much in common with feelings I have experienced of worthlessness, ennui, despair and anxiety, and the solution for INTPs for those kinds of things is much like physical therapy for athletes with injuries: Get out, do things, talk to people. It's hard work for an INTP to engage with other people, it will tire your brain plus feed it ideas, thoughts and experiences to gnaw on rather than continuing to tooth over your own soul. In other words, get out of your head, too much time in your head is dangerous. Getting out and getting some outside stimuli will make the parts of your personality that are being eaten from the inside out better able to withstand the darkness. Pretty sure I mixed a metaphor or something there, but what the hell.

Finally, the last thing I'll note, if you go away permanently you'll never know what happens next. That would piss me off, anyway, because we've got the world in such a state right now that I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next episode, like watching a 1920s silent film but it's on steroids. We've tied ourselves to the rails and the locomotive is hurtling toward us: Now what?

We will expect a progress report. :-)

 

[PmjPmj]

Nah, don't do that. My uncle killed himself and everyone got a bit miffed.

 

[Ex-User (13503)]

The planet is kind of my playground.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Actually put this into practice and explore the whole playground. Emotion.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/book/1.php

 

[crippli]

I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with what I am, and has had the same thoughts as me.

For sure. But after a bit of contemplation I realized that if I killed myself, I'd only make room for other people since I take up a fair amount of space. And exactly why would I do that?

/sidenote - Meaninglessness and meaning are two sides of the same coin.

 

[cheese]

I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with what I am, and has had the same thoughts as me.

Here lately I have been severely depressed. I'm talking for a good month and a half, I have had strong suicidal thoughts. I keep telling myself if only I didn't have parents, I would have already killed myself. I've caught myself in very scary situations, for example walking alone in the dark at night in a not so nice neighborhood, not even scared; because if I died right then I wouldn't really care. I have one real friend right now, and I'm currently not in college. But that isn't all of the reason. It isn't even most of the reason..

I feel like no matter what I do on this Earth, in 200+ years everything I did will be irrelevant. So all of my struggles, the pain I have to endure. The relationships I make, all for nothing in the end. Anything I can possibly do someone has already done before. In 5 billion years the Earth won't even exist due to the sun moving closer and closer, so nothing any of us do really matter at all. We are put here and forced to exist, go to school and work every day, for what? A house that will some day be someone else's to live in, and then die and then pass on? I just don't see a point in living if in a few centuries noone will even know I existed. Or care about my existence at all. I honestly feel like a zombie just trudging through life until my death arrives. The planet is kind of my playground. Living is just something to do to me, I guess. Something that I could end doing at anytime and be content.

That stuck out to me the most. You're thinking about people not caring about you in the future - a lack of an emotional connection to you. That suggests to me that you're lacking real emotional connection now. That's one of the primary roots of depression: feeling disconnected. It may not be because you're actually isolated from a community - you might simply have become unable to *feel* connected to it, for whatever reason. But connection IS essential.

Speaking from my own experience: When something has managed to pierce through and connect to me when I'm lost, everything feels worthwhile again. It's like being enveloped in a warmth that you'd forgotten existed, whose touch reveals in an instant just how raw and unprotected you were. And then you nestle into your cocoon and start being able to feel the world again, feel its pulse again. The question about whether life is worth living is no longer a question that even comes to mind. You don't think about it - you just LIVE.

These questions only matter painfully in the way they do when you're depressed. When you're not, they're an academic curiosity at most. And when you feel meaningfully connected to others - when your life trajectory intersects with theirs in a way which illuminates the meaning in both - they're blasted away by the overpowering truth that you're not alone.

Meaning is entirely subjective, yeah. It's up to YOU to find it. It's YOUR meaning. Meaninglessness is as subjective as meaning is - it's a state of feeling, not an objective fact. Whatever you find your meaning to be, you won't be alone in it. There will be others like you. Find them.

Rates of suicide and even heart disease in closely-knit communities are extremely low, and there's a whole host of research showing how connection (physical touch, community, feeling cared for, feeling greater purpose) wards against not just mental illness but physical illness as well - and how its lack greatly increases the risk of illness.

Spoiler

When I'm down but only a few levels in, a stranger's eye contact can be enough to 'startle me awake' to the wider world outside.

When I'm further down, someone showing they really really care about me and aren't just doing their duty can be healing.

When I'm all the way down and can't feel anything inside me let alone anyone else's caring, sometimes it can help to remind me that I'm 'synced up' with people around the world. At any time, there'll be at least one person on the planet who is feeling what you feel, who's been through what you have. You are experiencing the same state of consciousness they are, and the only thing dividing you is the fact that your brains aren't physically linked. You *aren't alone*.

Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes I just need time. But I've been surprised many times at how I've been jolted out of a bad place by becoming connected to something else. It's not always in an obvious way, like talking to someone who gives a shit. Sometimes it's simply experiencing an event that you know many others have. Sometimes it's by connecting to *myself*.

The deeper down I go, the more I need to see not just that someone is there for me, but that someone gets exactly what I'm feeling and going through right now. That *I*, and my experience of being me, have been seen and felt by another. That's when you need to find people truly like you.

I've seen over and over again people feeling better after meeting others with the same struggles they do - even in depression, where 'feeling better' feels so impossible. It can be an enormous weight off their shoulders just to know they're not alone and that whatever they feel, someone out there feels exactly the same and can understand without a word being said.

I'm not saying it's a cure for depression - not my place, I don't know enough. But there's a ton of research out there you can look into for what helps people feel whole and happy, and what things you can't afford to have lacking. You can try it out - it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to 'feel right', it doesn't have to agree with your philosophy of life. Sometimes what is right doesn't make sense till after we've done it.

*edit
I've also been in the place where nothing can get through to me. This is the stage where you lose faith in anything ever working, of your feelings even mattering. Everyone's thoughts and feelings on any matter at all, including your own, is meaningless rubbish. No argument anyone makes, no previous argument I've made, nothing that's worked before, works any more, because I don't believe in any of it. It's all a horrible, painful joke. Life is torture.

I have thoughts about this stage but can't remember what they are. I hope you're not at this point. Even at that point though, the game's not over.

I think there are stages beyond this too. But I've never come across a stage someone else hasn't come out of, even if another has been stuck there. Including the stage at which you think you're an absolutely hopeless case because nothing has ever worked and nothing possibly could.

Spoiler

I've been suicidal or close many times. I've longed for death and sought out dangerous situations. I've fantasised a LOT. But I faced various obstacles to going through with it: cowardice, family, relationships, wanting to try harder, wanting to overcome to help others. My reasons coalesced into several categories:
Staying alive to protect loved ones
Staying alive to serve others
Fear

Each provided just enough reason at its time, and I cycled through each multiple times. But none of them had as a basis a fundamental value for my own life, so none of them were strong enough to stave off the next attack. I was living, reluctantly, for others. And eventually those reasons started to erode too. I started justifying my family's pain in the same way I justified my own death - "they'll only be in pain for a little while, less than a blink on a cosmic scale, then they too will die."

It's an ongoing fight, but I found a trick recently that seems to be making things easier.

A] I've noticed over the years that a lot of my internal struggles are due to escapism. Trying to escape painful feelings or memories, or just painful elements of current life - that leads to struggle, and struggle leads to suffering. When I just stop struggling, accept what I feel and even embrace it, I may still be in pain but I no longer suffer.

I don't always manage to do this. Sometimes when depressed, I'm extremely angry, and the idea of accepting my depression makes me furious. Then my mind starts turning to suicide again - petulantly trying to escape.

B] A little over a year ago, I completely lost faith, belief and hope in anything in the world or beyond it. During this time I collapsed into a horrifying nothingness - but then came out on the other side feeling complete freedom, because I saw truly (well, I think I saw) that everything I felt, experienced or did was entirely my choice. If I was alive, if nothing had any meaning, then why would I choose to die? I'd eventually die anyway. So while I'm alive, why *wouldn't* I want to be the happiest and most joyous possible? I liked being happy, so I should strive for it, because there was no 'greater objective meaning' that could claim it was inherently worthless without any cause other than my own will. I stopped feeling down or being attached to any outcome of anything. I felt complete peace with everything, and the world took on a tinge of humour. I saw around me a game I could choose to participate in or not, coupled with a new appreciation for the miracle of life, made bittersweet by its transience.

This didn't last too long, as the veil of stories slipped back over my eyes. But I remembered the experience. And a little while ago I combined A] and B] and thought: What if I truly took away suicide as an option? What if I stopped thinking reluctantly of 'having to stay alive for someone else' and just imagined I was in a world where it's literally impossible to get myself killed? What if I had no choice but to stay alive?

Then wouldn't it make the most sense, in an absurd and 'meaningless' universe, to be the happiest possible? And wouldn't I be absolutely determined to reach that state, strive for everything I desired no matter how frivolous or silly?

I realised I'd *still* been giving myself too much leeway for escapism. I was still trying to run away when I thought of suicide. There is no doubt in my mind the majority of the time that the greater good is served by me being alive, because my death would traumatise those I love, and that would have ripple effects outwards. I'd been willing at times to justify my death, sometimes to terrifying extents, and even when I couldn't, staying alive was still a reluctant and miserable trudge towards a hoped-for annihilation.

But if I didn't have an out, I'd actually try harder to feel better than I had been. I'd try harder in ALL areas of life. Because if I HAD to be here, if I HAD to stick it out, I damn sure didn't want to be miserable the whole time.

That was a real wake-up call. I saw that I really hadn't been giving it my all. And because most of the time I really do care about not traumatising those close to me, staying alive is the better choice.* But I won't fix myself if I keep thinking I have an 'out' - so taking the bull-headed determination of someone with no escape to the task is the only way I'll actually do everything possible.

I'm not always able to push myself to the same level, as depression is a physical illness as well, but I'm trying much harder than I have been in the past. And while I still fall into depressive periods, they're generally not as helpless, hopeless or dark as before.

*This is a stance that has evolved over time.

Like I said, at one point I stopped thinking it mattered - everyone's going to die eventually anyway, so their pain won't even last that long.

But I did start to see a beauty in consciousness that I thought would be a shame for the universe to lose. I saw my own consciousness as a failed iteration of a pattern, but the pattern itself as something beautiful and precious, and I knew many others felt the same. If my own life felt too unbearable to live, this currently-conscious mind of mine still felt the desire to preserve the consciousness of others. And every step towards pain makes that less likely. But every step towards love gives humanity a bit more of a chance.

So if the task of my life is not to be a blight on consciousness, then I should probably stay alive.
And if I have to stay alive, I might as well be happy about it.

This is where I am at the moment. There are still times I don't find beauty or value in anything, but I remember being able to, and that value is a constant I hold to regardless of whether I can feel it.

Even if all that's bullshit, I think it's safe to say that when you're happy, you don't give a real shit about the not-happy stuff. Look into your unhappiness carefully.

Wanting to die and not caring about whether you live is a poison. At times when you're on the brink between getting better and falling back in, it can be incredibly seductive. I don't know exactly what its power is but it's there, even if it's simply sheer force of habit. Getting better is a battle, I think, but it's one that gets easier as you develop better habits. Perhaps it's like overcoming addiction.

 

[BrBaFan225]

For sure. But after a bit of contemplation I realized that if I killed myself, I'd only make room for other people since I take up a fair amount of space. And exactly why would I do that?

/sidenote - Meaninglessness and meaning are two sides of the same coin.

I love this. That is something that has kept be going, the idea that if I kill myself everything will be exactly the same as it is now, just without me in it. Everyone would do exactly what they would normally that weren't close to me. The ones that are
Close to me will live. It's all the same regardless so I guess living is more entertaining than being nothing.

 

[BrBaFan225]

Finally, the last thing I'll note, if you go away permanently you'll never know what happens next. That would piss me off, anyway, because we've got the world in such a state right now that I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next episode, like watching a 1920s silent film but it's on steroids. We've tied ourselves to the rails and the locomotive is hurtling toward us: Now what?

We will expect a progress report. :-)

This is an awesome way to look at things. I love people watching, because people are so interesting. The way people do things, and care so much about the most simplistic things. Sometimes I just don't believe that hardly anybody things like I do, or sees the world as I do. Not knowing what happens would suck, even if everything happening is terrible at least it's some more memories I can store in my brain.

 

[BrBaFan225]

so u don;t enjoy waking up and eating ur favourite cereals?
or listening to that funky bassline in virtual insanity by jamiroquai?
or anihilating without mercy sif the wolf for being against pet lovers cliches?
or kissing a girl and having sex with her and next day meeting a new one who also wants cheap thrills with u?
or encountering a guy who holds handgranade and shows it to u and then talks in a foreign language, u be like this was all smiling like being high as fuck?
or writting a new song that u think is super cool and u make plans for making it an inmortal anthem?
or seeing molotov rain, burning threes, blood and more things while u walk in the streets of a foreign capital?
wtf man, there's just too much to enjoy.
i don't care if it won't be forever. it will be until some point, that's what matters.
STEP UR GAME UP SON
IT'S ALL ABOUT ZKILLZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsBBJ0IxvW4

It's not that I don't have a list of things that I love doing like you do, and it's not that I don't love doing those things. It just feels as if, after years of doing those things and those things being the reason I want to live, that those things start to get old. Good music and sex don't give me a reason to be on this Earth. They seem more like things here to make my time on Earth a little more bearable. Something to occupy my time.

 

[BrBaFan225]

Your nihilistic narrative is a way to fit logic to how you feel, not the other way around.

Start by finding ways to infuse your life with interesting activity and good emotions instead of doing all this pseudo-philosophizing.

I'm expected to be put on this Earth and not wonder about my purpose? About who put me here, what my purpose is and why anything I do matters if I just die anyway? I find it silly to just not think about these things and shut my brain off. I can't just stray all of attention to activities and games and relationships until I die. Do you never wonder what the point of anything is? About how there is absolutely no purpose for you to be here but to work everyday, come home, do the same thing all over again until you die. And then a new generation is born, -and it repeats. For billions of years until the Earth is no more. Then life's is made on other planets and that species is forced to adapt and live for no reason at all.

 

[BrBaFan225]

It is kind of frustrating that there is no objective reason to exist. Nothing you do, as you said, will stick around after you die. You'll live your life moment from moment until the moment it's over; the idea that people should live because things might get better is a pointless comparison because things will always get better at some times and worse at others. The real question is whether that is worth it or not to you.

Personally, I find the idea of feeling I want to not exist anymore as something that makes me a little angry. It's like a fickle parent that decides they want to nurture you one day and get rid of you the next. I'd rather exist and suffer just to spite everyone, as strange as that sounds. So I guess I've mostly made my decision.

It's kind of funny though that there is no third option. Either you die or you live. What would it be like to neither die nor live?


anyway, I suspect you won't come back to post. But I'm curious to hear what you decide and why.

Hello, back and posting. I've had many thoughts of suicide, but it's like I know in the back of my head that death can't possibly be any better than living. I don't believe in a higher power, so when I die I'm guessing that I am just nothing. Like we were before we were born into this world. Like another poster said below, at least while I'm alive I have things to occupy my time. Funny movies, music, comic books, cold weather. There's no pizza when you're dead at least to my knowledge. I don't know, I don't see a point in living at all, and I believe suicide will be the way I go, once I get older. I have no problem with death and dying at all but I've decided that I'm just going to push through living, and keep suicide far away for at least a few more decades.

 

[BrBaFan225]

Nah, don't do that. My uncle killed himself and everyone got a bit miffed.

Yeah. My family would be killed, I'm an only child. That's what is keeping me from doing it the most.

 

[Robin]

[BIMG][/BIMG]

Yeah. My family would be killed, I'm an only child. That's what is keeping me from doing it the most.

Hehe, family is always the reason I cling to as well, and it's a good reason to cling to.

I'm actually going through a suicidal depression right now as well. A new medication I was prescribed triggered it, and I keep telling myself that it's my brain lying to me, but the longer I've been off that stupid med the harder it gets to believe what I objectively know to be the truth. So...cliche but sincere offer of 'if you need someone to talk to' before I tell you the same is happening to you right now. Your brain is lying to you.

"I'll just put suicide off till later" isn't a BAD coping strategy, but it only holds up until your life falls apart. Yours may not, but you're putting yourself in a bad position if it does.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

Keep in mind that the spirit lives on beyond the body you are in.

I would say that the position you have found yourself in at the moment has a lot of potential for future development, and so ditching what you've built up over the last decades would certainly be quite a waste.

Life needs no reason, nor existence - existence is the reason itself, and is the only constant. What reason is there for death - for such a dramatic change in one's reality? It is inevitable, sure, that the physical that you experience will decay, but why speed it all up? Shall we attempt to transform the spirit into rays of light, too?

All existence is worthy. All things are possible, and there are no limits to the greatness of the states of experience we may achieve, nor is there any time limit too small to achieve it. Given that all exists in all, the answers which you seek exist in the reality you are in - in fact, such is necessarily the case for otherwise there would be no desire to seek them out. And so, the task is to take these glimmers of hope for a higher existence, and to find a way to make them a greater part of the experience which is, to you, real.

Could there ever be any permanent answers, given the impermanence of existence? Or could it be, rather, that through the process of constant creation, that the outer reality which we have created for ourselves the moment before - has at all times all that we need and ever will for it is all, and that given the infinite potential which we have before us, and the infinite dimensionality of choice, that the story we create shall adapt to all circumstance.

Through our own belief do we exist as subjects, and through our own essence is our existence transformed.

 

[E404]

I get this sensation quite a bit. I do have the "I don't want to miss anything" syndrome I guess, which keeps me from doing anything like suicide. For me, I changed my whole life in pursuit of a better "feeling" of wanting to be alive. I felt/sometimes feel so mundane. I moved across the state and started over. It's helped a little. Anytime something interests me, even a little, I take it and run with it. That's what happened with being INTP, and now I'm here and excited.

Your nihilistic narrative is a way to fit logic to how you feel, not the other way around.

Start by finding ways to infuse your life with interesting activity and good emotions instead of doing all this pseudo-philosophizing.

"Whatever you give yourself to, your emotions will follow." Filling my life with funny, happy, busy things helped a lot. Getting distracted by projects, dreaming of ideas that would change the world in ways future generations. I kept that dreaming up, even if I knew it wasn't going to happen.

Finally, the last thing I'll note, if you go away permanently you'll never know what happens next. That would piss me off, anyway, because we've got the world in such a state right now that I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next episode, like watching a 1920s silent film but it's on steroids. We've tied ourselves to the rails and the locomotive is hurtling toward us: Now what?

We will expect a progress report. :-)

The mindset of "I can never fall asleep cause I'm afraid I'll miss something..." Yes. It's hard to feel that when you don't care about anything, but expose yourself to enough and you'll end up caring about something.

You're thinking about people not caring about you in the future - a lack of an emotional connection to you. That suggests to me that you're lacking real emotional connection now. That's one of the primary roots of depression: feeling disconnected.

The crazy thing is, people won't remember you maybe, but you might have helped some of them be in existence.

It's not that I don't have a list of things that I love doing like you do, and it's not that I don't love doing those things. It just feels as if, after years of doing those things and those things being the reason I want to live, that those things start to get old. Good music and sex don't give me a reason to be on this Earth. They seem more like things here to make my time on Earth a little more bearable. Something to occupy my time.

Yeah. It feels mundane sometimes. What's the point? Everything fun can seem mundane.

A progress report would be nice

 

[Dorian Tullus]

Keep in mind that the spirit lives on beyond the body you are in.

I would say that the position you have found yourself in at the moment has a lot of potential for future development, and so ditching what you've built up over the last decades would certainly be quite a waste.

Life needs no reason, nor existence - existence is the reason itself, and is the only constant. What reason is there for death - for such a dramatic change in one's reality? It is inevitable, sure, that the physical that you experience will decay, but why speed it all up? Shall we attempt to transform the spirit into rays of light, too?

All existence is worthy. All things are possible, and there are no limits to the greatness of the states of experience we may achieve, nor is there any time limit too small to achieve it. Given that all exists in all, the answers which you seek exist in the reality you are in - in fact, such is necessarily the case for otherwise there would be no desire to seek them out. And so, the task is to take these glimmers of hope for a higher existence, and to find a way to make them a greater part of the experience which is, to you, real.

Could there ever be any permanent answers, given the impermanence of existence? Or could it be, rather, that through the process of constant creation, that the outer reality which we have created for ourselves the moment before - has at all times all that we need and ever will for it is all, and that given the infinite potential which we have before us, and the infinite dimensionality of choice, that the story we create shall adapt to all circumstance.

Through our own belief do we exist as subjects, and through our own essence is our existence transformed.

^
what he said

 

[Tannhauser]

I'm expected to be put on this Earth and not wonder about my purpose? About who put me here, what my purpose is and why anything I do matters if I just die anyway? I find it silly to just not think about these things and shut my brain off. I can't just stray all of attention to activities and games and relationships until I die. Do you never wonder what the point of anything is? About how there is absolutely no purpose for you to be here but to work everyday, come home, do the same thing all over again until you die. And then a new generation is born, -and it repeats. For billions of years until the Earth is no more. Then life's is made on other planets and that species is forced to adapt and live for no reason at all.

You can wonder about your purpose all you want. But your reasoning is: since there is no purpose given to me at the outset, life is not worth living. If you study that logic more closely, you realise it is erroneous.

I recommend reading Camus' "myth of sisyphus"

 

[bvanevery]

I'm expected to be put on this Earth and not wonder about my purpose? About who put me here,

That was your mother and father. Nothing more. Nothing less.

what my purpose is

That is for you to decide. And you are responsible for that decision.

and why anything I do matters if I just die anyway?

You can contemplate theories of causality as much as you like. You can take actions on the basis of any models you come up with. You can revise your models as time goes on. You cannot escape the fact that, once you are dead, you have no control over what happens next at all. Maybe your life will have some impact on something, maybe it won't. I think making the effort of trying to have an impact on something is worth it though. In the sense that if thousands of human 'seeds' try to do something, one may take root and grow into something bigger.

I find it silly to just not think about these things and shut my brain off.

Perhaps you will come to terms with the conundrum of open ended problems. There is no closed form solution to the problem of existence. In fact, in computer science there are various results that certain things are fundamentally undecideable. Like proving that a computer program will halt; there is simply no way to know. I see this as quite possibly extending to life in general, and being able to know various things. Some things, it may not be possible to know or decide. That is a kind of result, even if it is not a result that comforts you or is operationally tractable.

It means the universe is vast and yep, you're in it.

 

[Robin]

I like your attitude E404