How the INFP Ex and I were Different

[lightspeed]

Just a few negative traits I haven't noticed in myself that the INFP Ex had...

1. Very idealistic and self righteous.
2. Took everything I said personally.
3. Tried to find contradictions in what I said to use against me.
4. Would provoke anger/rage and seem satisfied when I reacted.

More will come. This will help with the healing process.

 

[loveofreason]

From what I've experienced of the strong F function in others, the provocation of an emotional reaction serves to assure them that they matter to you. The demonstrable anger somehow means that you care, and that the feeler actually has some small dominion over your inner world.

Their sense of relatedness seems to rely on this. (And attempting to relate to a T can bring out the worst F behaviour in their desperation to establish for themselves that a relationship does indeed exist.)

What convinces me that I'm not a capital F feeler, despite having overwhelmingly strong emotions at times, is the fact that I don't need this emotional outpost in other people.

I can have my soft and dreamy moods, and strongly held values, and suffer misidentification with others, but these things belong mostly to a surface layer of learned behaviours that have arisen from surviving adverse circumstances in my life.

I think the healthy INFP can be the most enchanting of types, but enmeshed with a thinker is not a healthy place for an INFP, nor is being enmeshed healthy for us INTPs. The unhealthy F transgressions always felt like vampirism to me, I lost a lot of energy trying to love the various Fs that have passed through my life.

In fact the F hemorrhage still weeps to this day - when I get run down, too stressed, too busy...

But back to your journal of healing...analysing type differences can be very therapeutic.

 

[lightspeed]

From what I've experienced of the strong F function in others, the provocation of an emotional reaction serves to assure them that they matter to you. The demonstrable anger somehow means that you care, and that the feeler actually has some small dominion over your inner world.

As your name implies. I was searching for a reason as to why this behavior would satisfy anyone, unless they desired to consume the other, much like a sociopath. I guess to a feeler, a thinker may seem cold and detached to the point where one wonders if there is any love there. There was, but misunderstanding took it's toll, and I got more and more angry. The cuts were too deep, and the connection was lost for good.

Their sense of relatedness seems to rely on this. (And attempting to relate to a T can bring out the worst F behaviour in their desperation to establish for themselves that a relationship does indeed exist.)

What convinces me that I'm not a capital F feeler, despite having overwhelmingly strong emotions at times, is the fact that I don't need this emotional outpost in other people.

Same here. I am satisfied with a rational response, as I know that there are emotional motives behind them too.

I can have my soft and dreamy moods, and strongly held values, and suffer misidentification with others, but these things belong mostly to a surface layer of learned behaviours that have arisen from surviving adverse circumstances in my life.

I think the healthy INFP can be the most enchanting of types, but enmeshed with a thinker is not a healthy place for an INFP, nor is being enmeshed healthy for us INTPs. The unhealthy F transgressions always felt like vampirism to me, I lost a lot of energy trying to love the various Fs that have passed through my life.

In fact the F hemorrhage still weeps to this day - when I get run down, too stressed, too busy...

But back to your journal of healing...analysing type differences can be very therapeutic.

We both had escapism in common. Same musical interests to do so: Massive Attack, other trip hop bands, and psy-trance. It was like that was when we related best, when we were spacing out. No words... just music.

 

[loveofreason]

All my relationships with Feeling types were based on mutual escapism, except at some point I always wanted to turn and face my demons, and they invariably didn't.

Break-ups with Feelers in my life were very messy - it seems that a guilt laying game is common. Not sure if Thinkers do this?

 

[lightspeed]

Break-ups with Feelers in my life were very messy - it seems that a guilt laying game is common. Not sure if Thinkers do this?

I think guilt only has negative repercussions, as the best way to build someone up is praise. If you cause someone to dwell only on their negative aspects, then they only get better... at getting worse. However, in the shit flinging, one can only duck and dodge so much before realizing there is a pile of shit beside them to throw too.

So, yes, I made her feel guilty in retaliation.

This was only after I had given up.

 

[loveofreason]

Some days I think relationships bring out the worst in everyone - I've certainly seen it in myself!

But the trail there - to the ways we humans relate - has been compromised from the word go. We have such a weight of social dysfunctionality that is actually a part of our relationship identities... this weight makes relating a burden and it is a result of the culture we participate in, not any individual fault. The individual faults are just like the decorative features on toys that were made broken from the start.

oooh, I feel a social rant coming on, better save it for some other thread...

As to types, I guess we have different approaches, different ways of achieving the same ends. It would be a rare intp that would ever resort to the hysterical emotional outburst as a means of control - there are far more efficient and less messy ways of getting even.

The Silent Treatment for instance - a golden classic...

 

[Gerti]

I know that this is more of an INFJ problem rather than an INFP problem, but three letters outta four ain't bad.

I am the youngest girl of three in my family, and I am the only T. The other two are both NFs, one INFJ and one ENFP. . . it has taken some balancing, to say the least.

The ENFP got married to an ENTP and moved, but the INFJ moved back into the house after a year of studying abroad. Having her come back in the house is very difficult, especially as I have grown very used to being very NT around my two extremely NTJ parents. The four differences you named have cropped up a lot lately. I find that the worst thing is the them taking everything personally. The smallest thing (playing too much Zeppelin, for instance) can be taken completely wrong (I like Zeppelin, she thought I was trying to get her out of the kitchen). I am curious to know how you all deal with it. I have over the years figured out how to soften what I SAY, but at moments I am at a loss.

 

[Gaupa]

Funny about families, and how the types are combined within. Myself I am married to an INTP (or some say we just happen to live in the same house...), with my older daughter INTP and my younger ENFP (usually called "drama queen" by the rest of the family).

When I grew up I felt like an alien or something, dad is ESTJ, mom ISFJ and my brothers are ESTJ and ISFP. But being an NT (and good at school) at least brought me appreciation from dad - even though I made the mistake of being born as a girl; my youngest brother (ISFP) always felt unappreciated. I call my ESTJ brother "the Golden child" since he was always my fathers favorite - and my father the absolute ruler of the family (I never respected my mother when I was young, that came later).

I took the MBTI test a couple of years ago, and then again just recently. At first I was not sure whether I was introverted or extraverted but realised that I had taught myself to talk a lot (since I discovered the disadvantages in school of being silent and "inactive" = low grades). Also I have been strengthening my "F"-side ever since I had kids, and for a while thought I was INFP. But the INTP description fitted "like a glove".

 

[Wisp]

Ummm... Something I noticed about lightspeed's description of very strong emotion bursts, I read somewhere that this is another classic INTP trait, being that our emotions tend to be all or nothing. When I'm angry, I'm PISSED. When I'm sad, I'm shattered. This is about .5% of the time. The rest of the time my emotions stay safely under rational bounds, and seem to others to not exist.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Naomi Quenk's book Beside Ourselves: Our Hidden Personality in Everyday Life, does an excellent job getting into the details about how each type reacts when out of its element.

Dave

 

[moonpie]

Yeah, feel your pain, man. This is an old post and don't mean to bring up bad memories, but I too have dated the crazy(I guess, they call them Fs...still getting down the lingo).

We would have throw downs. We broke a lot of things. Unfortunately, she would only throw things at walls. I busted a sweet monitor(throwing my cell into it-I buy sturdy ones, the cell was fine), my front windshield(not as hard as you think to break), and even beat the hell out of my own head in front of her till she made me stop. She was extraordinarily frustrating. Needless to say, I don't walk around beating shit to pieces, but she sure knew how to bring my temper out.

The funny thing is that those were the only times she seemed to really feel sympathy towards me or understand me. She did that crap all the time to a much lesser degree. I guess she knew how to do it with less financial loss-right with those examples we are talking 500-600USD. Suck. Why I didn't run from that as soon as possible? Sex. boo.

She was the only girl I hated dated in like some years and was a rebound girl from a girl that didn't have me and I had embarrassed myself pursuing. At first she seemed cool too. That bitch was a bait and switch.

 

[Zero]

Are INFPs kind of clingy and too loyal for their own good? Because.... I think someone's definitely mad at me if so... Well the INFP who swears that he's an INFP and the ENFP I know both seem... uh, they're weird. The ENFP is kind of narrow-minded, proudly so and likes Disney cartoon movies. I thought the self declared INFP and I were similar, but perhaps not. I don't know, there could be two INFPs I know. They both put up with me and feel tired when I get going on a vague/complicated subject.

As far as my emotions go, I'm always on the brink of being sad or crying (but only usually when I'm alone and thinking too much about sentimental things), at any given time, partly because I sort of enjoy sadness in some melodramatic way. It's also because my mother, who is the controller of the family more so than my dad, is (very likely) an F type. She's hard to deal with and getting angry with her is too frustrating, so I end up breaking down instead, then she suddenly wants to take care of me.

She might be an ISFP, or some kind of FP, because... she'll get into very ill-thought out spontaneous projects, especially making surprises for people.... though she finishes them so she might be a J. Either way, she's probably an F and if she is I can understand the HELLISH pain in the ASS F types can be.

Takes everything personally, every thing is about her (a reflection of her), people are always doing things to SPITE her. She doesn't ever seem on the same page of thinking as I am. What is the worst most pain in the ass F type, because that's what she is. She's contradictory, yet stubborn and out-there illogical BS always catches her attention, like some terrible end-of-the-world stuff is coming. She wants to feel appreciated and do useful work. I think she built up a fake cynical contradictory mask to deal with her dad. How do you deal with someone like that? Someone who isn't even going to help themselves and in turn is going to be miserable and make the people that have to live with them miserable too.

Don't get me wrong, I like my mother, we get along great sometimes. When she's not stressed out or thinking someone was giving her the wrong look.

 

[farlda]

Hahaha! I keep seeing myself in every post made against INFPs xD
I'm so badly on the border. It's a bigger pain in the arse when all the conflicts between T and F are inside your own head, trust me. And the provoking a reaction to force them to show you're cared about produces the biggest side effect of guilt imaginable.
My mother's definitely an FP of some sort, so you can imagine some of the conflict that goes on there.

 

[snafupants]

This concept of needling someone until they blow up is really interesting. Does the person in the back of their mind want to feel guilt in the wake of the desired explosion by the other person? If so, why do they want to torture themselves like this? If not, why do they act like dipshits?

 

[Ariel]

Just a few negative traits I haven't noticed in myself that the INFP Ex had...

1. Very idealistic and self righteous.
2. Took everything I said personally.
3. Tried to find contradictions in what I said to use against me.
4. Would provoke anger/rage and seem satisfied when I reacted.

More will come. This will help with the healing process.

Whoa. Just found this thread. I just got divorced from an INFP that I was married to for 5 years. Almost split up 2 years ago, then hung on for another 2 years. Probably because of the protracted splitting apart process, I healed up quick baby!!

All my extremely best wishes to you in healing up quick and getting on to having a lot more fun in life!!!!!

PS - ok, also just noticed this thread started in 2007. By know the whole thing must be a very distant memory ... goodbye and good riddance

 

[nemo]

As far as my emotions go, I'm always on the brink of being sad or crying (but only usually when I'm alone and thinking too much about sentimental things), at any given time, partly because I sort of enjoy sadness in some melodramatic way. It's also because my mother, who is the controller of the family more so than my dad, is (very likely) an F type. She's hard to deal with and getting angry with her is too frustrating, so I end up breaking down instead, then she suddenly wants to take care of me.

She might be an ISFP, or some kind of FP, because... she'll get into very ill-thought out spontaneous projects, especially making surprises for people.... though she finishes them so she might be a J. Either way, she's probably an F and if she is I can understand the HELLISH pain in the ASS F types can be.

Takes everything personally, every thing is about her (a reflection of her), people are always doing things to SPITE her. She doesn't ever seem on the same page of thinking as I am. What is the worst most pain in the ass F type, because that's what she is. She's contradictory, yet stubborn and out-there illogical BS always catches her attention, like some terrible end-of-the-world stuff is coming. She wants to feel appreciated and do useful work. I think she built up a fake cynical contradictory mask to deal with her dad. How do you deal with someone like that? Someone who isn't even going to help themselves and in turn is going to be miserable and make the people that have to live with them miserable too.

Don't get me wrong, I like my mother, we get along great sometimes. When she's not stressed out or thinking someone was giving her the wrong look.

Zero, I feel your pain. My mother is definitely an F, ISFJ I think. We fight almost all the time. She thinks the whole world is against her. When I try explaining it to her, she takes it that i'm on the 'other side'. She is controlling to the point of obsession and doesn't trust or believe in good anymore. To be fair, she hasn't gone through an easy life, and I KNOW I should make it better for her, but we just don't get along on so many levels. The biggest is probably the P/J thing. Everything for her is here, right now - for me, it's I'LL DO IT LATER, stay in my own little world.

It's probably worse for you though, since you don't have the F connection.

And yes, this post was from like two years ago. I just felt so much of an intense connection to your post that I had to reply. :P

Otherwise...I see how INFPs can get on the nerves of an INTP (sorry if that's understating it) but...hm. I don't think I should comment, being an INFP. Sorry for invading your thread. ^^

 

[pjoa09]

give contradiction a break. i mean c'mon. i really hate the idealism. it sounds dead right ignorant to be idealistic.

 

[The Gopher]

I don't know what you guys mean about exploding. I only "exploded as such" once that I can remember(I am sure there were other times but). however an ISTP I know is the same calmness and then "nuke inbound".