Girlfriend cheating on me?

[buttcracker]

I'm not sure if I post this on the right section or if there is any section on this forum to answer this kind of thing. I'm sorry if this is not the case. I'm doing this because I want non-hysteric advice from rational people, so I figure this would be the right forum for it.
Beforehand, I'm an insecure and sometimes very deceitful person, so I got the pincode from my girlfriends smartphone (by looking if you wonder) Also keep in my mind that my timezone is cet, so its 6 am here right now.
Anyway, this friday night my girlfriend texted me around 0:30 am that she's in a bar, but about to go home. I'm very introverted so I dont participate in this kind of thing, my girlfriend rarely went out in our relationship of 7 years, but she has doing this a lot more for the last year (about 3 times per month, usually on a friday)
At 3:30 am we text again, nothing special ("good night I love you")
So I got to her this evening (we only meet each other on the weekend) and sleep.
At 4 am I wake up, see my girlfriend sleeping and her phone, asking to be interrogated. I dont disregard her privacy on a regular basis, but it wouldnt be the first time. (remember I'm insecure and deceitful)
What I find of interest is a whats app conversation between 3 people; my gf, her female friend, and a male friend of her.
So based on this conversation, my girlfriend and her female friend end up being in a jacuzzi with 3-6 guys (I'm not sure if theres another female, but I think not) the other male friend is not there. This happens around 1-3 am friday morning. There was a photo posted in whats app.
At one point in the (whats app) conversation my girlfriend writes; "wow you never told me he's this sexy"
Male friend asks; "who?"
Female friend writes; "your former boss"
And later my girlfriend writes; "I'm getting "wuschig"". Wuschig is a german adjective that means something along the lines of "excited" or "horny".
Male friend answer this with; "I can imagine"
Nothing of interest happens after in the whats app conversation.
So after I read this on saturday morning I went down to the living room. And as I thought about what I discovered I got more and more freaked out.
Should I confront her? How should I do it? What the hell happened?
Important too me is what she meant with "wuschig". At the end it could be something harmless, but maybe thats just wishful thinking.
For the record, it wouldnt be the first time she has cheated on me, it happened 6 years ago on a music festival, she's confessed it to me 1 year later. (it was only making out with some guy in her explanation). Nothing indicates that she has cheated on me again during the time after.
I'm 25 my gf 22.

 

[TheManBeyond]

probably, if she did back then why not now?
if i were you i would have stopped the relationship back then, i wouldn't be able to deal with it

 

[Hadoblado]

Signs point to yes, she is either cheating on you or looking to.

If she is looking farther afield, and you are getting all deceitful and insecure, it seems like you should approach her transparently to resolve these issues and continue your relationship, or to help both of you confirm you are in one you do not want.

 

[onesteptwostep]

You're overreacting. Also, seven year relationship? Wtf put a ring on it idiot, before she loses patience.

 

[cheese]

Holy shit, don't rush on the ring out of fear if you've got such issues in your relationship, not to mention yourself (insecurity, deception).

Need to speak to her openly, find out the truth then set some ground rules you can mutually agree on and refer back to in future problematic situations. She's confessed to you before.

 

[A_Scanner_Darkly]

I'm 25 my gf 22.

You're overreacting. Also, seven year relationship? Wtf put a ring on it idiot, before she loses patience.

No way! That means she's never gotten to properly live out her promiscuity phase. Probably uber-wuschig to do it at this point, if she's been in the one relationship since she was 15.

I would venture to guess that she's an EF type, thus more susceptible to contemporary social pressures bearing down on her particularly through the medium of close friendships, which in the Western world are to be promiscuous and experiment with a lot of partners when you're young.

Maybe it's time to move on, OP. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you know? Maybe you can explore yourself and what you really want out of a partner a bit this way, too. You can always get back together if you decide that's what you want.

I'm also getting a hunch that she hasn't been completely honest with you about not only that time at the concert but other liaisons too.

 

[emmabobary]

Oh! That's true , I forgot her age. were you her first boyfriend? Its gonna end bad

 

[EditorOne]

I suspect your relationship is over, since no one I know would continue a relationship after the partner invaded her cell phone and no one who would invade someone's cell phone is ever going to trust the person he keeps checking on.​

​

Perhaps a simple conversation on whether the relationship is still meaningful would be useful, without referencing details of why you chose to initiate the conversation.​

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Perhaps you need to reconsider your decision to stay in your comfort zone and avoid activities she apparently finds satisfying.​

​

Just tossing out ideas. Good luck. The misery this kind of situation can produce is not something I'd wish on anyone.​

 

[onesteptwostep]

There's damage, but it could still hold, you never know. I'm going to venture into the dark side by saying this, but the other alternative would lead you to an easy, looong depression.

Cheese, Hado, and EditorOne gave good insights, so OP should read between the lines and think them through.

 

[Inquisitor]

I suspect your relationship is over, since no one I know would continue a relationship after the partner invaded her cell phone and no one who would invade someone's cell phone is ever going to trust the person he keeps checking on.​

​

Perhaps a simple conversation on whether the relationship is still meaningful would be useful, without referencing details of why you chose to initiate the conversation.​

​

Perhaps you need to reconsider your decision to stay in your comfort zone and avoid activities she apparently finds satisfying.​

​

Just tossing out ideas. Good luck. The misery this kind of situation can produce is not something I'd wish on anyone.​

+1

 

[cheese]

I suspect your relationship is over, since no one I know would continue a relationship after the partner invaded her cell phone and no one who would invade someone's cell phone is ever going to trust the person he keeps checking on.​

Perhaps a simple conversation on whether the relationship is still meaningful would be useful​

​

Just want to say that relationships do come back from breaches of trust worse than this. But it takes an awful amount of work, which means the relationship has to truly be worth it.

So really count the cost. And make sure if you decide you're in, that she is in fully as well, because you can't do this on your own. Both of you have to start being accountable to each other and make some serious changes in yourselves, or you're living in a fantasy world which will just crumble on you time and time again.

 

[Tannhauser]

Interesting situation lol. If you ask her directly about the information you found, you reveal that you looked through her phone. If you don't use it directly, you might never get the real answer.

The conditional probability of her cheating, knowing she was in a jacuzzi with other people, is drastically higher than the unconditional probability, that is for sure. But it is nonsensical to speculate about whether it happened or not. The only options are either to know for sure whether it happened or not, or live with the uncertainty.

 

[Yellow]

EditorOne said it.

Add your ages into it. So you've been together since you were 15 and 18, and you haven't moved onto at least living together? One or both of you have been keeping their distance for a reason. It sounds like she's ready to explore.

Nothing against you, but you can't really blame her for it. If she has spent her youth with only one partner? She's bound to have learned along the way that there are other men, other ways to have a relationship, other options. I'm not implying that you've done anything to prevent her from exploring her options. We know nothing of your personal relationship.

But haven't you doubted that she's "the one for you"? Doesn't it feel like you've been drifting for a while?

In the end, you either trust your partner or you do not. If you are in an expressed monogamous relationship, then it doesn't matter if she's cheated. What matters is why the trust is wavering, and why one or both of you are "straying". You have to identify the root causes of your relationship issues and then figure out if they are reparable.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

We're all at risk of losing those we love. We're all free to leave at any time. The only thing we have control over is how we conduct ourselves which will in turn impact our partner (drive our loved one away or closer to us). The questions to ask yourself in this scenario is " Do I respect myself if I invade her privacy?" If the answer is no, then likely she won't respect you either and will result in some level of distancing from you.

The question of if she cheated will be hard to determine. If you ask her directly and she says no, do you believe her? Of course she's responsible for her side of things..."Will I respect myself if I cheat/flirt with infidelity?" But that's for her to determine.