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Women freak me out

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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Yesterday, 18:33
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I told her, that if the situations were reversed she would want her "straight friends" to fight for her rights. Also that I wouldn't go to weddings in general lol. I'm very direct, even if I'm saying it a way that doesn't directly seem like challenging or is mean. It took 3 exchanges to get to that point in the convo after politics were brought up, she has not responded with the fourth, after I called Crowder someone just for lulz, and Shapiro an arrogant un-compassionate smart ass. Oh well.

I understand what you mean by having high expectations for what people can do for you is a bad idea, and as an aspiring renaissance man I am disgusted (jk). I must categorize people differently, because it's always been a given for me, everyone that is close to me is really do comply with most of my expectations. Granted will only have certain types of discussions with certain people, but that's because I know their interest and troubles, as they should know mine.

I'm looking for I guess what is a "life mate", a fucking rock. This might be because I play the rock in many peoples lives, but no one can plays it mine. This would likely mean getting with someone smarter/more capable than me, who challenges me.

Your perspective is well appreciated, I'm sure now I'll be more mindful of what I ask of people and thinking about where they would fit into my life, though it does seem a little calculating.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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I'm looking for I guess what is a "life mate", a fucking rock. This might be because I play the rock in many peoples lives, but no one can plays it mine. This would likely mean getting with someone smarter/more capable than me, who challenges me.
Im with you on that, but I dont think intelligence plays any role. Wisdom and empathy, are what im looking for. I dont need a person who can solve a puzzle, or anything difficult. Just someone who cares, and is wise enough to give me the insight I need.
I need someone like me, or really I want someone like me. My biggest thing is consistency and being affectionate, as well as honest. You just need someone who is mature enough not to say, youre perfect, we need someone to have a life long learning, growth mindset. These fucking people are hard to find, I may have found one for myself, too early to say. I wish you luck in your search ^_^
Your perspective is well appreciated, I'm sure now I'll be more mindful of what I ask of people and thinking about where they would fit into my life, though it does seem a little calculating.
Thanks. I wouldnt being analyzing where they fit, it should come naturally. Go into things without expectations and just see where they naturally fall. Make sure you are giving them what they need, ofc.
Best of luck to you, have you considered a male to be your rock, no homo?
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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Ive seriously considered becoming a psychologist from our talks here. I think I would find that fulfilling.
Thoughts?
I think teaching small kids would be fulfilling too, not sure If I could do that though.
people seriously underestimate how much a good teacher can do for a student.
I could never be a teacher until I can empathize with guys, I feel nearly no empathy for males, even small children.
I think I need to find a man, of the gay variety, and cuddle him. Just the thought of touching a guys skin makes me just
4891

FOR THE CHILDREN, AND FOR PERSONAL GAINZ.
I would be psyched to find out Im gay, I would fucking celebrate by getting myself disowned.
I really do not care, it would be so kewl.

Jesus committed seppuku so we can have gay sex, enjoy your gay sex boiz
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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I was bored and drawing, I didnt plan on sharing this, but here we are.
Quality absolutely murdered.
Rebis: listen here, fuck em
Polaris: you could do stand up, but youre drunk, so sit down
Moody: omg your fine
Inex: buy her chocolate :3
Marbles: no1 fangirl
cog: what is wrong with these feelers
RB: DOES SHE LIKE DAGGERS THOUGH. btw rb that thing on your head is the cat bed you wore as a hat, I fucking remember.
computerhxer: justa lurkin
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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I was bored and drawing, I didnt plan on sharing this, but here we are.
View attachment 4898
Quality absolutely murdered.
Rebis: listen here, fuck em
Polaris: you could do stand up, but youre drunk, so sit down
Moody: omg your fine
Inex: buy her chocolate :3
Marbles: no1 fangirl
cog: what is wrong with these feelers
RB: DOES SHE LIKE DAGGERS THOUGH. btw rb that thing on your head is the cat bed you wore as a hat, I fucking remember.
computerhxer: justa lurkin
That position is uncanny, I'm right at your ear. Adjacent me is redbaron. Am I the angel or devil whispering in your ear? Fuck em boii
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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[/QUOTE]

That position is uncanny, I'm right at your ear. Adjacent me is redbaron. Am I the angel or devil whispering in your ear? Fuck em boii
[/QUOTE]
The whole thing started with the little guy on my shoulder, he was my insecurity, then I thought, HOLD UP and then I made the rest.
I will definitely reuse this template and make a better one, I was not trying very hard, super sketchy, this sketch.
Btw RB's entire body is becoming a giant vagina, if that wasnt clear.
Got your doc martens, unbuttoned shirt, skinny jeans,
Got inex's cute mom face
Got marble's bushy hair
Got RB's crazy hair and cat bed, and his giant vagina
Polaris has a snowboard because norway, and snowboarding is better than skiing.
I forgot like 2 people, saryy, rebel deserved a place, puffy too, but I dont have much to go off for them.

I would say in many ways you are like the voice in me that decides, tough love, just fucking do it.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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Entp girl said she felt odd, and that she had a lot on her mind. I asked if it had to do with me, she said entirely. That was 2 days ago and I told her to let me know what her odd feeling was when she was ready, she said "it would come out sooner out later, Im not good at holding things in."
I cannot tell if her communication style is weird or if Im the weird one. she stresses me out when she says stuff like that.
I have a feeling Ive done something she didnt like.
Ugh
Ive been bored lately. going to redo that drawing, with everyone in it, with more effort.
I understand you arent supposed to respond immediately and be available, but I noticed when I start controlling the interaction, I no longer have any interest in it or her. If it isnt natural I dont like it, it becomes an effort, a strain.
Is that supposed to be the case? Getting my life together would help immensely, still getting there.
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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Entp girl said she felt odd, and that she had a lot on her mind. I asked if it had to do with me, she said entirely. That was 2 days ago and I told her to let me know what her odd feeling was when she was ready, she said "it would come out sooner out later, Im not good at holding things in."
I cannot tell if her communication style is weird or if Im the weird one. she stresses me out when she says stuff like that.
I have a feeling Ive done something she didnt like.
Ugh
Ive been bored lately. going to redo that drawing, with everyone in it, with more effort.
lol, she will or she won't. Intelligent people do things that give them the most options, and I would think that she is hedging her bets. The fact that she at least told about it is a good sign, people don't always do that, it shows earnestness.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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I feel our interactions have been a bit strained lately, im not enjoying it in the slightest. which is weird, because we were flirting and being lewd, and the next day she said she felt odd, not im not feeling it.
Im not sure if im pushing her away because I feel rejected, or what im doing, but its not fun.
At this point I almost dont want to pursue anymore, but I feel like its a self destructive isolating phase coming up, not sure why I do that, but sometimes I just like to be alone.
I dont like mind games at all, Im not even sure if I want an emotional connection, I think I just want affection. emotional connection is great, but...I dont know, I guess people are just too much work for me, things just dont come naturally enough? maybe. Why does it feel so forced to interact now?
Im clueless with communication etiquette, I dont know how often I should talk to them, or if its ok not to talk for a day or two...
UGH I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE RESEARCH BEFORE TAKING THIS BULLSHIT ON
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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Entp girl said she felt odd, and that she had a lot on her mind. I asked if it had to do with me, she said entirely. That was 2 days ago and I told her to let me know what her odd feeling was when she was ready, she said "it would come out sooner out later, Im not good at holding things in."
I cannot tell if her communication style is weird or if Im the weird one. she stresses me out when she says stuff like that.
I have a feeling Ive done something she didnt like.
Ugh
Ive been bored lately. going to redo that drawing, with everyone in it, with more effort.
lol, she will or she won't. Intelligent people do things that give them the most options, and I would think that she is hedging her bets. The fact that she at least told about it is a good sign, people don't always do that, it shows earnestness.
BAHHH


I just realized this forum has been meeting all my social needs, just not touch. thats why I dont really feel like talking to my dates, lmao.
UGH so now, I must be maor person. be more people, talk to ears. fuckn elll

Help me out and ignore me until I die in the arms of a lover.
Kthnx
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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I just realized this forum has been meeting all my social needs, just not touch. thats why I dont really feel like talking to my dates, lmao.
UGH so now, I must be maor person. be more people, talk to ears. fuckn elll

Help me out and ignore me until I die in the arms of a lover.
Kthnx
I'm sure that once you get used to it- are you getting used to it? You will require more and more stimulation like any activity/drug.
K, you're dead to me now
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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4919
 

peoplesuck

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Good vibes to read to

I think im clarifying what I am, to me.
There is something in me that doesn't try to make things work. If the other person shows the slightest bit of rejection I just drop all emotional connection and give up. Surely that is some kind of internal confusion. Why is all rejection equal to me? You dont like one thing, then you must hate all of me.
oof, black and white thinking.

A google search taught me what This is. Its referred to as emotional detachment, its learned, its why Im not expressive when talking about very personal things. Its a coping mechanism to distance yourself. Considering how natural this is for me, well im not sure how the fuck to fix it.

As I described before, im running on a program, and it wont let me break the rules.
According to wiki, meditation on body awareness is one treatment.
It isnt even a coping mechanism at this point, its natural. Strangely enough though, I know what I should be feeling and expressing, but its out of reach. I cant cry, even if I try, I physically cant. this is why I dont smile back, im not allowed to, my emotions go through too many filters to come out naturally.
fixing this is going to be a drag. I suppose Ive become the perfect little robot I was intended to be though.
I know for a fact my teacher caused this, I remember being able to cry when I was younger. I cried with her, and now cannot.
She actually broke the connection my heart had to my mind. Humans are amazing, we adapt, and we overcome. I suppose that is how I survived, I severed the thing that was killing me.
4920

I talked it out, saw a behavior, researched it, figured it out. Now I just have to fix the problem ive identified.
oh joy
I do make more sense to me now, I think I will tell entp girl next time we meet about this conclusion. I dont think I need to, I think she figured it out, but she didnt tell me.
I need a week or two, to myself. Im so used to being a robot that the thought of crying or being emotional seems cringey, pathetic. Internally Im sensitive and getting in touch with myself, but externally, Im just a robot. A low budget robot, but the eyebrows can twitch sometimes. Im now worried, if entp girl abandons me, its only going to make this tendency stronger. People need to stop doing that, or Im really going to lose touch, I think my emotions are still within reach, but for how many more losses?
Why do I even try, why dont I just give in? Most people choose the path of less pain and effort, I typically choose the path of the most suffering. I suppose, its rational, and the part of me that hurts doesnt get a fucking say.
I wish I hadnt figured this out, because now I cant go on perpetuating this shit coping mechanism. Now I have to get very uncomfortable, now I have to...physically feel.
pliz god...no more personal growth for like...at least a decade..plz..

Yet another night of self discovery.

4921

I told entp girl I needed a break. I like her, but talking to her through text just stresses me out, to the point that I almost dont even want to anymore. I think it would be really shitty to say, hey lets not talk through text. Shes too cryptic, it almost seems like she tries to be irritating.
UGH i like her but damn gurl, fucking stahp. I can see why she has stayed single.
You cant just say, you have a lot of thoughts on your mind, entirely to do with me, then just leave it there without sharing anything. like wtf who does that?
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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Im what I hoped I wasnt. One of those people who cannot love. My emotional bonds are like screws, where everyone else's are like nails. My connection can be withdrawn at any point. im not sure its a disconnect from my feelings for them, or If my feelings disappear.
I disconnect at the slightest sense of rejection. My connections are like a two magnets, the slightest distance and the connection disappears almost instantly.
People like this are the absolute worst.
UGH what does this mean for relationships? I mean this isnt a weekend project.
It sounds like something that takes years. I suppose I have years.
How IRONIC my heart was broken, and now it doesnt work right, physically or metaphorically.
universe GOT JOKES
Well I can laugh at me too
 

Polaris

Radioactive vision
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A google search taught me what This is. Its referred to as emotional detachment, its learned, its why Im not expressive when talking about very personal things. Its a coping mechanism to distance yourself. Considering how natural this is for me, well im not sure how the fuck to fix it.
Unlearning to be alone is not easy. Despite the fact that you may be surrounding yourself with people and trying to socialise yourself through exposure, there's always going to be a part of you that remains closed.

It's like someone bolted the door shut and threw away the key for good. That key is called trust, and if every cell in your body is trained to be on high alert around other people since childhood, it's damn difficult to tell those little soldiers to retreat when all they see is danger ahead. Yes, you may learn to be "open" and talk about personal things but there's that part of you that doesn't connect with the words in order to make them real.

You may have high emotional capacity, but it doesn't come out around people because people = war. When you're shellshocked, it's for life. You don't forget that sort of thing, it becomes part of you and you have to accept it and try to make the best of it.

When I realised this was a natural thing for me was when I gave up on relationships. I don't know how to fix it, and to be honest, I cannot be bothered anymore. Relationships are too much work, I'd rather try to fix stuff I have some control over than use all my creative energy on things that eventually fail anyway. I have a few friends and people I care for, but there's always going to be a shut-off point, even with them. I'm not going to lose sleep over it though - there are so many other things I can direct my energy towards. People are important, but I'm tired of fighting an uphill battle at this point in my life, and I don't want to waste my precious time.
 

peoplesuck

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Its instinctual, perhaps too deep to touch.
I can hold my hand out, and you can hold my hand, but I can never hold yours.
How ironic, the person who taught me love, removed my ability to love.
I dont like it, but somehow I feel Ive already come to terms with it.
Im not going to accept it yet, Im going to give myself a chance, even saying that seems... like a lie Im trying to convince myself of.
I will figure me out.
Thanks Polaris.
Im going to tell entp girl about this, I cant be with her. Shes a very sweet person and I cannot trust myself to care for someone. I know that , knowing a person loved you, and seeing them lose all interest in you...well its enough to break your heart.
we've been excluded from the game, now all we can do is watch from the sidelines, or get up and find something better to do.
You cant win them all I guess, this was the one thing I wanted to win.
 

peoplesuck

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I can promise myself one thing: I will not allow myself to become what made me.
 

Polaris

Radioactive vision
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I can promise myself one thing: I will not allow myself to become what made me.
Well, that is kind of like an act of love, isn't it? You know love is important, but you forgot how. So you do the things that symbolise love, and thus you are acting lovingly. It's a very important step.
 

peoplesuck

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I can love, but without the ability to be consistent.
I cannot risk doing to someone, what was done to me.
Im no longer suited to be a lover, now I suppose, i'm only suited to be a teacher. Love at arms length.
For some reason, i'm ok with this.
Life is funny.

Im not afraid of being physically intimate now. I'm not sure how to explain that, perhaps I was afraid of bonding and being hurt.
I think I need to remove my father from my life. Love cannot be nurtured around people like him.

In some way my relationship with her was beautiful. She felt protective of me, she wanted to help me, and now nobody can hurt me.
I wonder what my future has in store for me.
I have much to consider now.
ciao
 

peoplesuck

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my internal neediness died today. I think i'm finally figuring out who I am, and that i'm ok.

For once I dont feel obligated to explain myself. Im going to, but not out of the feeling that my existence needs to be justified.
I think what ive said seems contradictory, so since some people are reading this, I will clarify so that you dont feel lost. However I think children may be an exception. I would be genuinely depressed if my friends' daughter died, but I wouldnt be too upset if everyone in the world died tomorrow.
I can love, but it isnt reliable, it isnt real. Real love cant disappear in one second. Its a coping mechanism, an emotion instinct, if pain is anticipated, the connection is severed. Im running on a program that I cannot control.
I have a bond with my friends child, I spent a lot of time with her. Perhaps everyone has hurt me, except for a child. A long time ago I said I would adopt to help nurture the soft side of myself, I suppose that is what I meant.
The only people I can trust enough to love are children.
I grew up with her mom, we have known each other our whole lives. Part of me would like to bring her home, but her mom is paranoid since she was molested. I dont even want to have that talk, I dont want someone treating my like a threat to their child. I think she would let me, but, once someone tells you they dont trust you, well I wouldnt have any interest in them after that. I dont cope well with being treated like a monster, Im fine with outsiders being afraid of me, but not people I care about.
Shes a sweet kid, growing up in a chaotic household, not getting the attention she needs. She doesnt have a dad, because her mom let a psychopathic pedophile impregnate her.
Im not sure if I would be a good parent, I think Ive seen enough to know the pitfalls, and im aware enough not to fall into them. Unfortunately, its something i couldnt really risk, I would have to be sure I could keep up. As I already said, im not mature enough. I can proudly say im nearly as mature as a 20year old should be, or at the very least, Im more mature than a 10 year old.

These things ive been coming to terms with, discovering, they make me rethink my future. I could do things I never could have before, I could be happy doing those things too.
I think that I could be satisfied with an existence if it meets a certain criteria: If everyone were like me, would the world be a good place? Part of me wants to do all of the work, part of me wants to just be useful.
I wonder, If I had a job, If i were in school, how long would this have taken? how many rushed relationships, friendships?
I am not happy with what im doing, im being useless. I needed this phase, time to just sit and stare at the wall. my mom is more than an enabler, shes also a supporter of this. She doesnt want me to grow up, because she doesnt have a life. I dont blame her, but its odd that im the one to set boundaries with someone.

I think ive become devoid of bitterness. It is a waste of energy. Im becoming more aware of how fallible we all are, I understand coping mechanisms and habits.

This has been such a strange time

I just wired up a little surround sound system with a car radio and pc power supply. It looks so complicated, but really its simple as shit. I look forward to making tower speakers.
First test run of the power supply, DONT JUDGE A MAN BY HIS EXCITED NOISES

<iframe src="" width="640" height="1138" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; fullscreen" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<p><a href="">20191224_182250(2)</a> from <a href="https://vimeo.com/user106485721">tgt tht</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>


I noticed my projects have been getting finished lately, not just 80%ed and quit.
Ive been putting up boundaries with people, letting them know that they cant talk to me like im their dog. If they fucked up and blamed me, Im letting them know. I got upset for the first time in a very long time about 2 weeks ago, I raised my voice and threw car keys on the floor.

I look forward to moving out. I want my own space, I would prefer to live outside of the city, so that my projects dont have to stop when it gets late. I want to have a place to bring others without judgment or questions. I guess Im growing up haha, NO NEED TO OVER COMPLICATE IT DAMN. I noticed when I started getting my shit together, I was exhibiting strong nesting behavior. My room is cleaner than ever, its also neat, I bought a couch. My room was basically a fucking office, and I never noticed.

I was thinking, could you make a heatsink, where it had tiny tubes, full of oil, with little rotating"doors" inside? the heat would push the oil to the outside of the tube(the tubes would stretch away from the heat source) the oil would be drawn out, its moving would cause the little "rotating doors" to move the oil from the cool end, towards the warm end. The cool end would have enough space for a bit of vacuum.
Im not sure im explaning that well enough, but i think it could work.
I will draw it later and upload it. Its a gud idea fkn trust me brah.
My iq is probably in the 90s, there is no fucking way someone as dumb as i am, could be above average.
man dude bro out
 

peoplesuck

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Huge edit Above ^
I feel like a person now, im glad too, because I was a bit worried this shit wasnt going to happen lmao sorry not joking
One girl is hitting me with amazing jokes and puns, one is having a deep talk, one is sending nudes. THANKS INTERNET
Tonight made my christmas much more merry.
 

peoplesuck

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Im going to start highlighting things I deem important, that way if someone reads this, they can get the lesson, without the story.
So here is the deal:
Im talking to a girl, she is exactly my type.
she just got out of an abusive relationship, I figured I would have someone to nurture. I realized that its off putting for someone to rely on me emotionally ( its in fact exactly what I dont want), but its what im attracted to.
aaaaaaand yaboi just realized he is in fact, his mom. GROSS

According to google this is codependency. It means that I want someone to take care of, because it makes me feel valuable, when I otherwise dont.
Yes but, I have enough empathy that it soothes me to soothe others. What a shit show of traits. FUCKIN ELL. Realistically, what is acceptable, is physical soothing, just not emotional. I think..
Since I realized my emotional detachment issue, Ive realized what I want is just a healthy relationship...sort of. I want someone to care for and be around, but I dont want them to rely on me, I want to be best friends, not lovers? I think? I mean a healthy relationship is two people who dont need each other, but live happier lives because they are together.
I dont have enough data on my emotional detachment to understand how exactly it works. I learned from entp girl, that the second I dont feel wanted, I detach. But I also know that I can bond, so then, maybe what I need is psychotherapy? and to think I just threw away my dbt workbook two weeks ago.

So I either, put even more filters between the outside world and my heart, or I work on my reactions enough that I dont feel disowned by the slightest things.
Clearly option 2 is better, clearly option 2 is fucking harder.
Odd, but reading a chapter in a book about raising adopted children, the most important thing is to openly express yourself when you feel upset and mean, clearly, be mad at them. Let them know they can upset you, but their upsetting you, never removes your love you have for them. It is how they know they are loved. Guess who never got that treatment...ugh im not even adopted ffs. My teacher made the mistake most adoptive parents make: she never wanted to show her negative emotions, for fear that I would feel unloved. Instead she hid them, and pretended. I never had a person who was willing to be angry but loving. I had the extremes of anger, and loving, but Its essential to have both.
KEWL so I know why im fucked up...man im not getting paid enough to be my own psychologist, I DESERVE and demand a fucking raise.
I will give me maor cookies, tomorrow. I get cookies for this.

I always enjoyed helping people and figuring them out.
Well boi I suppose I have a client, and this one's going to be a doozy.

Most people's hearts are like vault doors, they take a minute to open, but once something is inside, it takes a minute for it to get out.
My heart is more like a bead curtain...yeet

The good news is, that with a big sigh effort, my detachment problem could, theoretically, be fixed. If my hours of reading wiki have paid off.
Also im relatively young, so if my heart issue doesnt kill me, I will surely realize my potential, and enjoy cookies along the way.

I am so thankful for this forum, I feel like my whole life has been a bad experience, and I never took the time to sit down and learn from it.

Im going to start making my posts easier to read, and hopefully devoid of fluff, while still being my stream of consciousness ranting.

I see a trend now, If i rant like a madman, i can reply to myself, see weird tendencies, research them, come to a solution. make a plan of attack.
I want these to be more reader friendly, because while I think I recently came to the milestone of self awareness, or rather some useful deviation of it, I am not all knowing, and your insight is appreciated.

This post had nothing to do with what it is now, it got deleted by my google chrome crashing, but It started as ranting, and I found something peculiar, and I ended up at the conclusion of my attachment being the same as an adopted child's.
Also on a second read through I realized my moms life is ruined by her inability to escape codependency. Its why she is the way she is, and its why I am attracted to damaged people.
I wouldnt say thats 100%, i derive a deep sense of fulfillment, helping others. The difference in codependency and fulfillment, the difference in giving a gift out of love, and out of a desire for approval.

@EndogenousRebel You said a while back, you thought a persons ability to fix themselves was a skill that is learned. Well tonight I have come to the same conclusion. thanks my dude man.
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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Getting our heads out of our own is half the battle. Now it's you must learn to navigate, maintain and enjoy your cruise ship. Now that you're not blinded you will see things that pop up, especially pay attention to patterns/systemic behavior that is limiting.

I would make sure you're not just trying to avoid a relationship because you know it is work. Copping mechanisms could have various functions, and they (relationships and ridding of automatic responses) are, so very much work. It's like having a cruise partner with a different ship and they expect you to be up to date on how they navigate, maintain and enjoy their ship. And one day you will be this close with someone, so why not practice for when you find that person if she's not the one? It's give and take. If you think she's being criptic then you should consider you are as well, people mirror behavior, and you may be subconsciously crying for help lol. The right people that trust you will make it easy. I will say that I read somewhere that when people are getting into later mating phases females get more aggressive while males get more passive

Lol idk i haven't slept yet and am just throwing ideas out there
 

peoplesuck

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Ive gotten to the point that I understand how little I understand.
Now that you're not blinded you will see things that pop up, especially pay attention to patterns/systemic behavior that is limiting.
I definitely am spotting behavior, and questioning it now.
I would make sure you're not just trying to avoid a relationship because you know it is work.
Its a bit complicated, as I said. I can completely detach from a person unwillingly, for almost no reason. I dont want to risk hurting someone with that.
If you think she's being criptic then you should consider you are as well, people mirror behavior, and you may be subconsciously crying for help lol.
At this point im mirroring her, and being cryptic.
subconsciously crying for help? uh no its pretty conscious :P
I think I came off as a bit clingy, and she seemed to want to be in a relationship. I think she wanted space to be sure she gave things enough time. Im not sure
I will say that I read somewhere that when people are getting into later mating phases females get more aggressive while males get more passive
NEAT. Ive changed a lot. Much of my passiveness was fear and not actually my personality. Not such a passive boi now.
Lol idk i haven't slept yet and am just throwing ideas out there
Im catching them ALL
4927
I like pictures, its more natural than text, gets across more than text, faster.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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I think sometimes in life you need to just do, planning the most efficient way is fantastic, but sometimes is faster to just drudge through things.
If all you do is plan, you never get anywhere. its time for me to start drudging.

All of my views on monogamy and relationships have changed. I think most of monogamy is just being insecure and dependent. You dont want to share because you are scared you wont be the one to satisfy them, you become somewhat dependent, romanticising it.
I like the idea of monogamy, its safer, diseases are gross. I think my views on relationships are a bit healthier now.
Every date has pointed out how cute I am. Im now confident in my cuteness
Im also a sweetheart according to everyone.
Also, women are sexual too, how fun, I knew that in theory, but im seeing it in action.
I have learned that women arent difficult, they just seem difficult if they arent your type. If your interaction is natural, its super easy and enjoyable.

Ive been talking to a girl lately, shes exactly my type as far as attraction goes. Shes everything I like, dark grey eyes, pale skin, short, a mom face(fk u its not gross) and shes curvy. I dont think Ive ever even talked to a girl that is my type, not since growing up at least. Im going on a date with her tomorrow. We talked on the phone for two hours and she called me a furry, I guess you could call it a success. Iwould. we have the same interests, and shes offensive as fk boi.
Somehow Ive gotten quite lucky with my dates, not a single one has gotten pissed or hateful. Entp girl thought I was too precious for people to want to hurt me, she asked when the last time I really had a confrontation. I couldnt really think of anything, part of me wanted to point out that I had enough conflict in my childhood to make up for a lifetime of kindness. Im not fishing for pity anymore though. HIGHFIVES YES
The fact that nobody wants to hurt me is an issue, I think it means im not being honest enough. Or we could say my social skills and self awareness are existent. Both.

Ive been on three dates and tomorrow will be four. I cannot see any pattern whatsoever with the women I attract. Seems odd to me. two of them just seemed lonely, the girl im seeing tomorrow seems a mixture of lonely and genuinely curious. Her music taste is fucking amazing, she showed me my new favorite song. mostly instrumental.
Fkj & Masego - Tadow
We joke about being emo hipster trash, shes cool, we also love the same types of entertainment. During our talk she was giggling nearly the whole time.
CAN conclude im actually somewhat funny. which means the only people on intpf with a sense of humor are polaris and marbles.
Shes the oldest girl Ive talked to, she could hold a conversation, and direct it. That was so cool, moar of that please. Im going to enjoy her and not expect things.
I told her the magnet in my finger story, she laughed before I even got to the funny parts. ill take it.

I have a date sunday too, different girl. she seems like the adorkable type I just want to roll into a fucking blanket burrito and snuggle. She informed me she has bad anxiety and a lisp. when I can see someone feeling anxious with me it makes me want to squeeze them. I sexually identify as a mom. sig*

I think im like two weeks from having 7 cuddle buddies and 4 fwb LMAO wot hav i done.
I look forward to the future, its not a dream anymore, things will actually get better, and its because I chose for them to.
Edit: and because all my wonderful friends on intpf <3
Its a damned shame you couldnt have been my first @Rebis, @Marbles. we could have had a three way, you both could have been first.
 

peoplesuck

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go time has passed bois. Now its time to enjoy the fruits acquired.
Surely, in the near future it will once again be go time, but for now...self love and cuddles.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
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peoplesuck

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I havent read your blog, animekitty, when you refer to a family inside you, are you giving your tendencies a familial role? Self love and care being a mother, the boy being yourself ect..
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
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I havent read your blog, animekitty, when you refer to a family inside you, are you giving your tendencies a familial role? Self love and care being a mother, the boy being yourself ect..
Oh, it is not meant to be a metaphor. I actually have people inside me. No Joke. In several dreams, I have met people with autonomy in those dreams. I looked at them in there eyes and felt their touch. I am doing shadow work where I clear out everything I reject and accept myself for who I am.

I always have felt rejected and I never have felt accepted by a person I look up to. Only in my dreams do I find love and acceptance. I am doing self-therapy in that regard. But with persons that only reside in my own consciousness. I feel a strong connection to them. They give me love in the places I need most that no one else would be able to give.

The picture I posted was because of your avatar and sig. I think both are wonderful.
 

Puffy

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The sense I'm getting from your posts is a part of why I had to wait to be with someone who I could trust. As it's important for that to exist in order for me to feel relaxed & safe enough to work through the layers of "emotional detachment" to be real and intimate with someone.

It's been important for me to remember over the last few years that whatever gets triggered in me is my own process and that ultimately I'm responsible for finding a way to work through it. I tried to not react to trigger moments, or take them out on or project them onto my ex, and instead use them as opportunities to examine what's happening and try to dig through the layers (and feel what's there if I'm able). From this place I would then be able to effectively communicate what's happening on my side to my partner for purposes of mutual understanding rather than putting anything on her or expecting her to fix it.

The inevitable conclusion I personally came to is that a lot of my insecurity, emotional detachment, and anxiety in regards to intimacy were all issues to do with my relationship to my Mum. That there existed in me a "traumatised infant" aspect of my personality that could only relate to my friend as "Mum" and wanted from the relationship all the things I want from (and never got from) "Mum" -- safety, nurturing, protection, etc. I wasn't relating to her as a man in a reciprocal relationship but as a hurt boy and it was important to acknowledge that in order to own it.

The relationship (in the early stages of our friendship) was more a mirror of Motherly love than romantic love. As I was always in a state of perpetual anxiety & insecurity, needing reassurance and security from her, and it wasn't possible for it to be otherwise. Unchecked this would of course always become a burden on any friend or partner. As this part of my personality isn't grown up enough to be able to experience the reciprocal kind of love that mature adults feel.

The epiphany that began my shift out of this for me personally -- that saved our friendship -- was when I realised that if there is a traumatised infant living inside me, it's possible for me to become a parent to that part of my personality rather than need someone else to. I can provide what he needs and provide unconditional love for myself. And he can slowly place trust in the mature aspect of my personality to govern my life rather than him. This has been a very slow, patient process which most certainly isn't over. But the difference between 3 years ago and now is pretty remarkable.

I personally believe the "traumatised infant" will likely always be an aspect of my overall character. Our wounds are like onions with many layers to be worked through across a life-time. It's quite possible we never get through all of it. But we do at least achieve greater degrees of self-mastery.

What I believe has gradually shifted over the last few years is the emergence of a stronger, more mature, aspect of my personality, that's able to direct my life. I.e. the slow graduation from boyhood to manhood. It's not that the traumatised infant isn't there and that he doesn't pop up from time to time but that he's gradually leaving the driving seat, in place of this stronger aspect of my personality, so that his overall influence over my life has diminished.

Coincidentally, me and my ex got together (my first relationship) at a point this process had reached a particular point of fruition. I interpret that to mean that I wasn't ready or able to be in a mature, reciprocal relationship until this point. And that was perfectly fine - there was just work to do. I was happy it did then as a lot of love & trust had been given space to cultivate.

Truly coming together as lovers is a really difficult (and rewarding) work as we have to gradually get through all of our "stuff" in order to do that. There's a lot of constant fear to face if you're dealing with trauma. It's also a patient process that takes time and I think for those of us dealing with particularly harsh traumas it's important to be especially patient with ourselves about that.

Writing this partly in case it resonates as it's at least the part of my own story that resonates with your writing. Partly to say that I think you're in the midst of an early critical period in your work with all of this. It seems like you've done a lot of great work over the last few months, regardless of how things have turned out with the ENTP friend. This process takes time, and is tough, but it does get easier. So keep going. :-)
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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I think sometimes in life you need to just do, planning the most efficient way is fantastic, but sometimes is faster to just drudge through things.
If all you do is plan, you never get anywhere. its time for me to start drudging.

All of my views on monogamy and relationships have changed. I think most of monogamy is just being insecure and dependent. You dont want to share because you are scared you wont be the one to satisfy them, you become somewhat dependent, romanticising it.
I like the idea of monogamy, its safer, diseases are gross. I think my views on relationships are a bit healthier now.
Every date has pointed out how cute I am. Im now confident in my cuteness
Im also a sweetheart according to everyone.
Also, women are sexual too, how fun, I knew that in theory, but im seeing it in action.
I have learned that women arent difficult, they just seem difficult if they arent your type. If your interaction is natural, its super easy and enjoyable.

Ive been talking to a girl lately, shes exactly my type as far as attraction goes. Shes everything I like, dark grey eyes, pale skin, short, a mom face(fk u its not gross) and shes curvy. I dont think Ive ever even talked to a girl that is my type, not since growing up at least. Im going on a date with her tomorrow. We talked on the phone for two hours and she called me a furry, I guess you could call it a success. Iwould. we have the same interests, and shes offensive as fk boi.
Somehow Ive gotten quite lucky with my dates, not a single one has gotten pissed or hateful. Entp girl thought I was too precious for people to want to hurt me, she asked when the last time I really had a confrontation. I couldnt really think of anything, part of me wanted to point out that I had enough conflict in my childhood to make up for a lifetime of kindness. Im not fishing for pity anymore though. HIGHFIVES YES
The fact that nobody wants to hurt me is an issue, I think it means im not being honest enough. Or we could say my social skills and self awareness are existent. Both.

Ive been on three dates and tomorrow will be four. I cannot see any pattern whatsoever with the women I attract. Seems odd to me. two of them just seemed lonely, the girl im seeing tomorrow seems a mixture of lonely and genuinely curious. Her music taste is fucking amazing, she showed me my new favorite song. mostly instrumental.
Fkj & Masego - Tadow
We joke about being emo hipster trash, shes cool, we also love the same types of entertainment. During our talk she was giggling nearly the whole time.
CAN conclude im actually somewhat funny. which means the only people on intpf with a sense of humor are polaris and marbles.
Shes the oldest girl Ive talked to, she could hold a conversation, and direct it. That was so cool, moar of that please. Im going to enjoy her and not expect things.
I told her the magnet in my finger story, she laughed before I even got to the funny parts. ill take it.

I have a date sunday too, different girl. she seems like the adorkable type I just want to roll into a fucking blanket burrito and snuggle. She informed me she has bad anxiety and a lisp. when I can see someone feeling anxious with me it makes me want to squeeze them. I sexually identify as a mom. sig*

I think im like two weeks from having 7 cuddle buddies and 4 fwb LMAO wot hav i done.
I look forward to the future, its not a dream anymore, things will actually get better, and its because I chose for them to.
Edit: and because all my wonderful friends on intpf <3
Its a damned shame you couldnt have been my first @Rebis, @Marbles. we could have had a three way, you both could have been first.
Masego is cool, I dropped him a few times in the music thread! Personally like this one, and I think you'll like it too :



INTP threesome would be funny:

"Apply angular moment of12 degrees upward of the insertion device"

"What's that smell? My olfactory system has been overwhelmed"

mid-sex

"You ever read this book __? " proceeds to talk about it with every breath caught
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
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Oh, it is not meant to be a metaphor. I actually have people inside me. No Joke. In several dreams, I have met people with autonomy in those dreams. I looked at them in there eyes and felt their touch. I am doing shadow work where I clear out everything I reject and accept myself for who I am.
I always thought it would be super helpful to consciously develop something like that. Never did try though. Not saying yours was conscious
It's been important for me to remember over the last few years that whatever gets triggered in me is my own process and that ultimately I'm responsible for finding a way to work through it. I tried to not react to trigger moments, or take them out on or project them onto my ex, and instead use them as opportunities to examine what's happening and try to dig through the layers (and feel what's there if I'm able). From this place I would then be able to effectively communicate what's happening on my side to my partner for purposes of mutual understanding rather than putting anything on her or expecting her to fix it.
This is where I am right now. Im still deciding how to go about this, I think I will just be honest.
That there existed in me a "traumatised infant" aspect of my personality that could only relate to my friend as "Mum" and wanted from the relationship all the things I want from (and never got from) "Mum" -- safety, nurturing, protection, etc. I wasn't relating to her as a man in a reciprocal relationship but as a hurt boy and it was important to acknowledge that in order to own it.
I relate to that deeply, recently when I said my internal neediness died, thats what I was referring to. When I realized I cant really trust myself to love, I just accepted it, and I felt ok for the first time. I think I can develop past this, and learn to love. I see people differently now, I dont want their pity or reassurance, which is a huge change. I was a huge fan of pity parties. Before I wanted someone to care for me, but now I want an equal.
It was like being terrified of something that isnt scary, and realizing it, unwillingly.
Hey I survived, neat.
The relationship (in the early stages of our friendship) was more a mirror of Motherly love than romantic love. As I was always in a state of perpetual anxiety & insecurity, needing reassurance and security from her, and it wasn't possible for it to be otherwise.
I get that, I think I may be past it now. hopefully.
The epiphany that began my shift out of this for me personally -- that saved our friendship -- was when I realised that if there is a traumatised infant living inside me, it's possible for me to become a parent to that part of my personality rather than need someone else to
I would say your realization came more from maturity, something inside me simply changed.
But the difference between 3 years ago and now is pretty remarkable.
Im proud of you man, keep it up.
I personally believe the "traumatised infant" will likely always be an aspect of my overall character.
I could see it being repressed, in myself too. Only time will really tell.
What I believe has gradually shifted over the last few years is the emergence of a stronger, more mature, aspect of my personality, that's able to direct my life. I.e. the slow graduation from boyhood to manhood. It's not that the traumatised infant isn't there and that he doesn't pop up from time to time but that he's gradually leaving the driving seat, in place of this stronger aspect of my personality, so that his overall influence over my life has diminished.
I think I started to develop that stronger more mature side about a month ago. Its strange to think there are people with similar internal struggles.
maybe intps are just people who turned to books because nobody took care of them..
Coincidentally, me and my ex got together (my first relationship) at a point this process had reached a particular point of fruition. I interpret that to mean that I wasn't ready or able to be in a mature, reciprocal relationship until this point. And that was perfectly fine - there was just work to do. I was happy it did then as a lot of love & trust had been given space to cultivate.
Yeah, this is what I meant when I said im glad I never dated, I wasnt ready in the slightest. oddly enough im just starting to figure myself out, and im dating. Entp girl seems to be a genuinely caring person, I dont think its safe to blame anything on anybody else at this point. I still plan on being her friend. I wasnt treating her as an equal before, I can now though. Im glad she was the first one I got close to, because she is very mature and responsible. She was the person to set boundaries and be helpful.
Truly coming together as lovers is a really difficult (and rewarding) work as we have to gradually get through all of our "stuff" in order to do that. There's a lot of constant fear to face if you're dealing with trauma. It's also a patient process that takes time and I think for those of us dealing with particularly harsh traumas it's important to be especially patient with ourselves about that.
Indeed, im finally learning to be nice to myself. The thing that I assume I will struggle with is distance, not smothering or leaving. I have a tendency for extremes, but I suppose that is normal. Caring for myself and someone else will be tricky, but im down to suffer.
Writing this partly in case it resonates as it's at least the part of my own story that resonates with your writing. Partly to say that I think you're in the midst of an early critical period in your work with all of this.
It does resonate, im happy you shared. Hearing how someone got through similar issues is helpful. right now things are very malleable, I can fix things now. Ive made so much progress, I look forward to the future now. I think I want to live too.
My worldview has changed, I suppose the only way to out it would be, not all people suck, women dont scare me, Im the one with the wheel now. I am no longer anxious, im actually artificially anxious now. A lifetime of anxiety has caused me to notice when im not anxious, and it feels weird.
It seems like you've done a lot of great work over the last few months, regardless of how things have turned out with the ENTP friend. This process takes time, and is tough, but it does get easier. So keep going. :-)
THANKS im trying...
I dont think Im going to decide anything with her, over the phone. I dont think she did anything wrong, i was being insecure. She has been critical in this giant mess. One thing is that I feel like I need return the favor, I know something I could help her with, I suppose I will leave deciding that to her.
INTP threesome would be funny:
"yeah but thats bullshit because its unfalsifiable"
"Trust me, you just havent read the literature"
"did you see the new starwars movie it was amazing"
fkj is a good boi rebis.
 

Puffy

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Cool, well, happy you're sounding optimistic. Have a feeling the year ahead will be a big one so good to face it with that spirit and what you wish for might just happen. :-)

This is where I am right now. Im still deciding how to go about this, I think I will just be honest.
I agree for the most part. I think I'd already basically internalised this into my everyday speech, but I've had some success with non-violent communication as a framework for approaching difficult conversations: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

THANKS im trying...
I dont think Im going to decide anything with her, over the phone. I dont think she did anything wrong, i was being insecure. She has been critical in this giant mess. One thing is that I feel like I need return the favor, I know something I could help her with, I suppose I will leave deciding that to her.
Probably for the best, people don't always take that the way it's intended. Particularly if what you want to help with probes into someone's stuff at all.
 

peoplesuck

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Well I was brave enough to tease her with a forehead kiss, and as I was leaning back she grabbed my shirt and pulled me in for a real kiss. What a champ.
She sort of decided to end the date suddenly, she said she was anxious.
I think she noticed the wet spot on my pants that I just did, and didnt want me to get embarrassed, again, WHAT A FUCKING CHAMP.
I like her.
Now that the rogaine has worn off, this precum issue is going to make dating, ugh..ehh.eugh
whatever, this girl was fun, afterwards she told me the stuff we did was very stressful because shes extremely introverted. DID I MENTION SHE WAS MY TYPE TO THE FUCKING T
Shes so offensive, I love it. She hates kids too, whatever send it.
Im sitting here unable to stop smiling and giggling like a dumbass
I was caught 100% off guard by that kiss, I actually kinda fkn missed and had to redo LMFAO kill me the embarrassment is2much4me

We kept bumping into each other while walking, and she was shorter, my elbow kept smooshing her boobs XD Ive never had the issue of bumping into someone, I think it was on her end, but after a while it was intentional, just walking close enough that it happened.
She was sooo cute, I look forward to spending time alone with her. She doesnt seem scared to ask for what she wants ^_^
She is also super cuddly, ermagerd baby jesus just give me a warm body to cuddle ffs.
 

peoplesuck

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Cool, well, happy you're sounding optimistic. Have a feeling the year ahead will be a big one so good to face it with that spirit and what you wish for might just happen. :-)
Indeed, its going to be exciting!
I agree for the most part. I think I'd already basically internalised this into my everyday speech, but I've had some success with non-violent communication as a framework for approaching difficult conversations: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
It feels better to be honest and expressive, rather than quiet and resentful.
I will look into nonviolent communication.
Probably for the best, people don't always take that the way it's intended. Particularly if what you want to help with probes into someone's stuff at all.
UGH I hate that, I just want to help lol.
Again its their thing, and like most personal issues, people on the outside cant fix you, they can only support you.
 

peoplesuck

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The picture I posted was because of your avatar and sig. I think both are wonderful.
I appreciate this!
I like them too, very sensitive/honest.
 

peoplesuck

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Recently entp girl has sent me signals that seem to indicate she wants a relationship.
Im thankful I did not tell her i'm incapable of caring for a person, because I found out that I had not lost my feelings for her, I just lost touch with them. Seeing a picture of her, instantly brought back everything. I think I can take care of her with the right mindset and effort.
Looking at her face gives me feelings I cant really put into words. I think most people would call it love. I want what is best for her, I would like to care for her. I care for her deeply, that is what love is, I suppose?
She has a stalker, she stares him down when he walks by staring into her window, while she is in her underwear. I told her how dangerous that guy is, and that she should never open the door for him. She thought she could win. I explained to her, that he could be in her house, doing anything he wanted, and she couldn't stop him. I worry about her.
He always wears a tan jacket, we call him the tan man. I will start a conversation with him next time, so that I can learn his face, and his name. I will figure out which car is his, and which apartment. Part of me thinks I should intimidate him, I would imagine stalkers are weak, or perhaps they are the predators? I am very sweet and kind, but I could literally cut someones head off with zero remorse if I felt it earned. Thats normal, right...
I suppose i'm the bad guy playing for the good team.

Nobody else has made me feel this way, not since my teacher.
She would have to make an exception to one of her rules, to be mine. I not sure how I feel about that, since I support her rule, just as much as she does.
Not being ok with being the exception would mean I don't believe I am capable of being who I need to be, self doubt. If she broke her rule it would mean she believes in me, to go against better judgment and have faith. She has more faith in me than I do, I suppose.

Or I misunderstood her signals and i'm in for a big surprise.

When people put faith in me, or trust me, I feel the need to inform them that it isn't warranted, and isn't safe. The night I stayed with entp girl, I talked about how dangerous it was. She told me she knew I could probably kill her at any point. I don't know why that makes me so uncomfortable. I feel the need to teach people not to trust people. Part of me wanted to not stay the night, because I don't support her endangering herself. But that would have been pointless, so I stayed. I suppose this is something to work on.
I guess deep down I don't trust myself, for some reason? Ive always been treated like a psychopath, my nickname in high school was killer. Perhaps its the doubt everyone has put into me, about me. Oddly enough the nickname came from this girl, who was very attractive, she always talked to me. I didn't realize she liked me, she confused me, I didn't know why she talked to me.
Not chasing or showing interest, is magnetic to women who are beautiful, they feel that you must be worth chasing if you wont chase them.
Saying I had a nickname may not be true, if only one person called me that.

Now that I have learned to pick up signals, Ive missed at least 7 girls attempts to date me. two were recent, a girl in my german class, wanted me to teach her Norwegian since she was going to Sweden. I thought that was fantastic, but she needed to teach herself the basics, she wanted me to. Everyone I have told about that, said she probably just liked me. ( I didn't deem her worth teaching if she wouldn't teach herself the basics, so that went nowhere. I would give that an autistic/10)

The thought of seeing entp girl fills me with this weird feeling of my emotions overflowing. Way back when I developed feelings for my teacher, I would randomly start crying when this feeling came up. I googled this, its known as emotional overload. its as simple as it sounds. neat. I don't get it though, what am I not letting out? expression is a choice for me, most people just, uh..do? It would be lit, to actually just express myself without deciding and filtering. drunk ps is way more mature than sober ps, drunk ps dances and sings.
If entp girl does confess her feelings for me, i'm going to cry, its going to be lame. She knows I haven't really cried in years, so she's going to be weird about it.
I suppose this is what happens when you give your body 5 minutes to vent, every few years. Its like emotional birth control, and the periods are heavy.
I would like to cry with her, and learn to cry. But not randomly bawling about her asking me out. patthheeettiicccccc, kill me now.
Life is too short, take me dark void.

I need some drunk therapy, get wasted and just cry while holding my dog. I wonder if drunk ps cries?
Sounds like an experiment worth conducting.

punctuation sponsored by marbles.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Don't be quick to judge yourself is the lesson I would get from the above. Dafuq you think? You know yourself? HA. Idk just imagine yourself in situations. You were probably thinking "how could this girl like me?" and just tried to disassociate in preparation to be hurt, I don't know sounds like something a lot of people do, and I feel like it usually leads them down the wrong path. But you did well, good job!
 

peoplesuck

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Thanks man guy, you're the best!
Im seeing destructive behaviors as that, and not allowing them to be acted upon.
 

peoplesuck

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I no longer feel rejected if someone doesn't respond, or ghosts. Life is incredibly busy. I read a paper about it, the problem with people and rejection, is they take it as a rejection of them as a person. When it is in fact more of a disinterest. People are busy, and I can understand someone "rejecting" you, even if they like you, if they have a person they are closer to.

My date today was very fun, we laughed like hooligans, i'm not sure how we didn't get kicked out of the coffee shop. We were very similar in chaotic energy, humor, and most of all music taste. I really like her, but It takes touch and emotional talks to bond, for me.
I found the most condescending thing to refer to a person as. Poptart.
I was joking about how terrible my doctor was, and I said " as soon as she started talking, I felt like saying, Im gonna stop you right there poptart". Because she didn't listen and she was just going through the motions. we had a good laugh. We bonded over bad medical help. ( if my account is switched to a new one, please name it poptart)

Im getting the sense that i'm very demisexual, I don't feel very much sexual attraction until I know a person. SO I COULD BE BI, and I just dont know...marbles...hmu..no homo.
I also sort of feel as if my heart has decided, like I don't want anyone else. I found my girl, It would seem she feels the same way.

My mania is getting to the point of being a problem. I suppose many things contributed to my heart issue. Ive only been getting a few hours of sleep every 20 or so hours. I dont even have a project to obsess over, and I still cant sleep... Being incapable of sleep was a sign of being in love, according to some Joe Shmoe. entp girl said I give her butterflies, and nobody else has. That was also MR Shmoes idea of love.
Im in lesbians you guys!

Ive been wearing myself out with dates. Having a terrible social hangovers every few days, along with keeping in touch. Its stressful.
progress... I will be careful not to burn myself out. Why do social hangovers last so long, fuck, Brian you're so fucking fired. Calling your brain Brian, is so funny to me. dyslexia is funny, laf plis
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
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dai

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While I haven't read through the 8 pages of pure bantering...

I can only say:
Without substantial information (more past info, current tiggers, exceptions to the rule), how is any kind of analysis supposed to be happening here ?

However seeing as you seem to have found back on your feet at the end (?) somehow, things might work out I guess.

As for the "women"-specifics:
I personally generalize this one and turn it into "all people".
Getting them "for real" (and not being freaked out in the process) is actually a task for noone. Geh.
Don't even start with gender or whatever kind of segregation you use to ease sorting into drawers for.
 

peoplesuck

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While I haven't read through the 8 pages of pure bantering...

I can only say:
Without substantial information (more past info, current tiggers, exceptions to the rule), how is any kind of analysis supposed to be happening here ?
So you didnt read it and are saying there isnt enough information?
This started for outside input, its more of a place to journal, now.
I personally generalize this one and turn it into "all people".
Getting them "for real" (and not being freaked out in the process) is actually a task for noone. Geh.
I dont know what that meant.
Don't even start with gender or whatever kind of segregation you use to ease sorting into drawers for.
I have two drawers
attractive fuckable
not fuckable
bam, and its just that easy folks.
 

peoplesuck

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There will be no need for drunk cry therapy, tonight we do things the old fashioned way.
The one person I bonded with and cared for, pushed me away.
It was clear she didnt want to, she said she knew it would be good for her to be with me, but she was scared of hurting me. She had lost some of her romantic feelings for me, and worried she would hurt me. She felt damaged and inferior, I let her push me away. Im very hurt, the look on her face, she didnt want to do this. She has commitment issues and attachment issues, Im not sure if I should pursue her. I deeply care for her, but I think we are a terrible match. I allowed myself to push her away, to protect myself. I think that is weak, and im upset that I let that happen.
Im not sure what to do, but I will figure it out tomorrow.

EDIT: I dont think it matters, she wont let me get close to her, she is to confident that she would hurt me.

She said there were fewer things she disliked about me than fingers on her hand. She said that she was sure I would be the one who got away, multiple times.
Sad bitch hours for real.
Universe continues to have jokes.

Her an I are both at critical points in our lives. We are both tired of being alone, If I leave her alone, I think shes going to make mistakes and never figure herself out. Maybe its not my place to judge or help.
I think she is a risky investment, but maybe worth the risk. I dont want to make things worse, but I dont think I want to lose touch, im not sure what to do or what I want.

Im possessed with human emotions, quick, someone throw holy fire on me.
 

peoplesuck

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All of the things that make us a terrible match are symptoms of fear of intimacy. I can say with a good bit of confidence that is her issue. Im going to pursue her, to help her out.
Thats probably not in my best interest, but its something I desire, FUCK IT.
I think of her as my friend, and I would help a friend with some shit like this. Also im the perfect/worst candidate.
I like this girl, and I will risk coming off as a fucking creep, if it means helping her.
 

Ex-User (14663)

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My hypothesis would be that if you’re willing to get this emotionally invested, this quickly, with every girl you meet, you’re setting yourself up for getting exploited or just being used as some sort of human teddy bear, and it will probably not help you with getting what you actually want - namely a romantic partner
 

peoplesuck

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I told her I would like to help her deal with this, as friends.

@Serac, It think the way this goes will teach me that, sometimes its worth the effort, or perhaps im not a psychologist and I shouldnt feel responsible. I do not want someone I care about to live a life devoid of love, simply because the only person who didnt encourage it, was a friend. I feel a bit responsible as the only person in her life that fucking notices. I can say for certain she does not know.
Also I dont feel this bond with anyone else, and have only ever felt this way one other time.

She started seeing a psychologist very recently. I have no doubt its because she knows something is wrong with her, I have zero faith in the medical help around here, and will at least inform her, what is in fact going on.
I let her know I will help her, if she is weak, she will not let me help.
I wasted so much of my life, because absolutely nobody helped me, this sort of thing touches me deeply, im not ok watching and being useless.
I saw some feeling of being worthless and damaged in her, I see helping her as helping myself. Maybe that makes no sense to you, im not sure.
 

peoplesuck

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My purpose in life is to be the person who gives people that little bit of help, so they dont kill themselves, or waste 20 years figuring out something I could have told them.
That sounds a bit pretentious, delusional even? People avoid things they need to hear, I know that because I did too. Its easy, everyone could use that one person who wont just laugh and say, fuck it.
I care and I see this as my first opportunity to change the world for the better, even if its meaningless, and even misguided. This is why I live, its my purpose.
 

sushi

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Females are the gatekeepers of the gene pool. Them rejecting you akin to them saying your genes aren't worth spreading. Men could get turned on by a donut, women, most of them have standards and don't want to date anyone they perceive as below them (most people don't I guess). They judge people by design, because evolutionary speaking they are the ones that are more at risk. Everyone knows generalizations are true so c'mon. Get fucking shitfaced it's the only solution
this made me laugh
 

sushi

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I am not going to read 7 pages of this thread so I prescribe my advice based on my first page (for you cant talk or approach women)

(a) develop a topic plan when you talk to women, ( or potential topics rather than rigid script to discuss)

(b) right down the steps you take in process of engage women in conversation,
for example: 1 appraoch her
2. say hello and introduce yourself

follow this template, keep it simple and limit it to 5- 6 steps only

(c) hypothesize the worst fears outcome / consquence you get from approaching her, and the best outcome. after such steps are taken

(d) take the steps and see if outcomes/fears/predictions really become true.

(e) keep practice and modifying, reccord your experiences if you have to.

that is the same approach as selling things to people. the first step and try is always hardest.
 
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