I'm sorry I didn't respond to your second to last post. Did you edit it? I thought I had read everything you had written.
I did add to it a couple of times. The first time was because the whole message didn’t go through. The second time I think I added additional information or I might have changed a ... because it was inappropriate punctuation.
That's how humans react to a woman they can't pigeon hole. You're unknown, and unknown is scary. People think in good and bads, then they half heartedly sort their emotions into specifics. Basically, you're unknown, which is bad, so they throw out some iteration of bad, like "cold", "arrogant", "narcissistic", or whatever. Had they liked your vibe, they might have said "rational", "self assured", "confident" - words to that effect.
Do you think it might be related to my gender? Because the people who seem to think I’m arrogant irl have been men. So I wondered that. Online, though, I seem to offend both sexes equally. So that’s was confusing.
I thought, potentially, it may actually be my vocal tone that lends me to be misinterpreted by men. When I get excited about a topic, or I feel passionate about a point, I tend to get louder, talk faster, and I think my voice may even raise in pitch. I use more hand gestures, become more long-winded, and just generally demonstrate quite a bit more energy.
I enjoy working with animals and one of the lesson students you learn through working with animals is that high levels of energy on behalf of the human are usually not successful if you’re working to earn respect, trust, and a mutual understanding. (As opposed to training for a skill, like agility, which isn’t what you would do after the basic relationship is already established).
I’ve thought, in the past, that maybe some men are reacting to what they feel from me, rather then the words I say. Women seem to more often interpret my attitude as being one of passion and excitement, but I think it’s possible that some men interpret the same attitude as being aggressive, argumentative, and challenging.
What supports this theory is that I’ve had a few occaisions where people seem to have gotten the wrong impression that I’m flirting with them. Which is just weird to me. (Who flirts over subjects like neurology?)
And I’ve been told once that people may misinterpret my interest in a subject as being interest in them. Men, obviously. Although, I suppose maybe it could work with lesbians...but I don’t think they are so quick to respond a single factor like that.
What doesn’t support that theory is that, despite the fact that I’m often the person women will comeback to in order to share their feelings or discuss deep problems, I’ve never really had many female friends. Not in the sense where they act towards me as they would act towards a fellow female. I get a lot less giggles and girly behavior, and a lot less of their personal philosophies or casual impressions/feelings. I tend to get more like...female followers, than female friends. When I try to be girly-ish, it kind of falls flat. Like a bad joke. I also easily offend women. Or I think, make women feel uncomfortable/self-conscious. I mean...I understand why that happens, but I guess that my priorities during interactions are different.
So, I don’t know. I came to believe later in life that maybe I come across as a dominant person...which is just very weird to me, because I don’t try to be that way, and I know I have to be very high in estrogen. I definitely have a high EQ.
But anyways, that other aspect kind of contradicts that it’s a gender issue. Seems like people interpret me the same, no matter their gender, but draw gender-dependent conclusions. Like, women perhaps see me as someone who can be occasionally useful. Men see me as...I don’t know. Obviously, not a threat...lol. That thought is just absurd. Nobody would be threatened by me. I think I would die 5 minutes into boot camp. Either that, or dissolve into pitiful tears and have to be sent home XD
Then I would be traumatised for the next two years from all the criticism. Lol. I’m not at all cut out for being yelled at and made to do tests of physical prowess and stamina.
Weirdly, my behavior is almost always interpreted well in a professional context where people hire me to give advice/expertise or implement strategies and such. People seem to have a lot of confidence in my ability and tell me that it sounds like I have it all under control.
The only time I get micro managed is when there’s a particular type of female who is the bossy sort in management. The kind that loves times, dates, color-coding, management software, and voicing her opinion about everything - even things she’s has no expertise in. The enmity between myself and this personality type is mutual. I meet these women most often in non-profits, where they like to...well anyways.
Aside from that, I seldom have issues with my clients, and I don’t think I’ve ever had issues with a male client. Even this one guy who has a bad reputation for being a jerk respects me and will listen to what I say we need to do. Eventually.
Clients describe me as insightful/knowledgeable, energetic/enthusiastic, upbeat, passionate, positive, and they trust me to do what I do best.
So, here, I have a behavioral pattern that appears to get favor in one context, leads to misunderstandings in the other.
I think maybe that’s one reason why I like to stick to myself. Firstly, I just don’t feel the need to have other people be a part of my lifestyle. Secondly, though, I don’t get the impression that they want me to be a part of theirs, really. Not unless I have a use to them. Which suggests to me that whatever it is that people get from social interactions, I apparently don’t provide that.
It can’t be validation, because I always look for what information people have to share and I’m interested in what they say. That should feel very validating, I think. I even had a guy tell me once when I was asking about kernels “I’m just confused by your interest.”
That’s weird. Right? Why be confused,
So if you wanna be universally liked, find an archetype to imitate, so people can figure you out. Or be the best version of yourself, and attract intelligent, curious people, to whom you'll be just the right amount of mysterious, because these people better understand the world, and people.
I'm sorry I didn't respond to your second to last post. Did you edit it? I thought I had read everything you had written.
I have struggled with people believing I am cold, arrogant, judgmental or some version of that. I have come to think along these lines: people fear the unknown. If you are strange, it is hard to predict how you will act, so people peg you as a wildcard. You know how animals react to a new organism, gazing at it, sniffing it, carefully circling it? That's how humans react to a woman they can't pigeon hole. You're unknown, and unknown is scary. People think in good and bads, then they half heartedly sort their emotions into specifics. Basically, you're unknown, which is bad, so they throw out some iteration of bad, like "cold", "arrogant", "narcissistic", or whatever. Had they liked your vibe, they might have said "rational", "self assured", "confident" - words to that effect.
So if you wanna be universally liked, find an archetype to imitate, so people can figure you out. Or be the best version of yourself, and attract intelligent, curious people, to whom you'll be just the right amount of mysterious, because these people better understand the world, and people.
Sorry for my slow response! I actually wrote responses on two separate occasions but in an effort to be more concise, I didn’t send them. I’ve worked out that it’s better if I write my responses when I’m not over thinking issues, or I’m bound to write too much.
I do wonder sometimes if it’s a gender thing. In person, one person suggested I might be arrogant, one person said it outright, and there was one person who said I talk like an audiobook, and one person who said I talk to fast and (say too much?) - and they were all men.
In person, it seems like men are the only ones who perceive me to be somewhat aggressive. Women seem to perceive me to Ben passionate/enthusiastic.
When it comes to online though, men and women both seem to perceive me to be aggressive or arrogant or cold. So. Shrug. I don’t know?
In the past I’ve been accused of being cold mostly because I’m very focused on work/projects, and I’m not necessarily that eager to have longwinded phone conversations...added to the fact that I’m not the best at responding to emails/texts, or remembering to check my Facebook.
I guess I’m just having a hard time pinpointing where the problem is. It seems multi-faceted. Some people perceive me poorly from face to face discussions. Others, online. Some people seem to think I’m cold because of my anti-social behavior, others seem to think I’m cold online because of what I say.
I’ve tried various things. Like disclaimers...to remind people to take what I say literally, essentially, and at face value, without reading emotion or intent into it...but then people tell me not to write disclaimers and that I seem insecure/unsure of myself. @_@
I guess...I have a very practical approach to solving these kinds of problems, and maybe that’s not appropriate?
I can’t find the friends you speak of. Lol. I’ve spent quite a large portion of my life looking for people like that, but honestly, I’ve never been able to find people I can relate to. I thought I might find them in CS college, but the people there were just interested in money. In my head, I sometimes imagine how cool it would be to have a couple of friends that are interested in the same things I’m interested in, and would love to spend time brainstorming, whiteboarding, things like that. Maybe singing. Or taking stuff apart to see how it works.
But...one of my problems, potentially, is I think women just either aren’t like that, or they try hard not to be like that. And when it comes to men...there’s been one or two times that I’ve made a male friend that seems like they would be fun to hang out with in the contexts I’ve described, but I don’t seem to be able to find a male friend who isn’t willing to just be my friend. I know they exist - because I found one, once (lol), but that was shortly before I moved. So we didn’t really have that much time to hang out, and he was more in to being social than actually doing anything.
Other than that, I basically just run into the situation where guys lie and pretend they’re interested in what I’m interested in because they think I will go out with them. It’s tedious and obvious. I’m now 30 and people still try to pull this
-_- .....honestly. The standards people have these days for dating really have set the bar so low for both males and females. I’m not sure why lying about yourself and pretending to be someone you’re not are tactics people think they can get away with using. Anyways.
Your story about your experiences with trying to be another personality are helpful. I like to experiment on myself too. There was a time I decided to “shut off” my empathy...it was a mess! An educational one though.
I don’t have much luck with trying to find a role model. I’ve looked, but I need a role model whose thoughts and behaviors I can relate to, so I can step into that person’s shoes, so a male role model just won’t cut it for me. It’s hard for me to relate to men, and when I think I’m doing fairly well at it, I can still never be completely sure, because I’m not a man myself. There’s just not a lot of females out there though who emulate the example of what I would like to grow to be.
As far as advice goes...Please feel free to always give me advice. I don’t really understand why advice upsets people. It’s one of those human tendencies that I’ve been finding increasingly obnoxious. In a way...to me, it seems sort of arrogant. As if you think you know so much that you can’t benefit from anyone else’s helpful tips or guesswork.
I mean...it’s true that I’ve found that most advice doesn’t apply to me. Especially the canned, generic kind. But every once in a while, someone hits the nail on the head, and their advice can really shake my world. Plus, I find that when people don’t give generic, canned advice, they tend to give you advice that they’ve really spent a very long time entertaining in their own lives. People can be surprisingly deep and well thought out, and their relationship with said advice and the way they may have applied it, or drawn those conclusions, is something you can really learn from. Even if the advice, itself, isn’t what you were looking for, there’s often information in the giving of it that can be useful.
For me..I’m always trying to do better. I think I have a lot to learn and a lot people can teach me. Even following the wrong advice hasn’t been helpful to me, because it’s showed me why that advice was wrong, and therein, I often find the answer to things I never knew were questions to start with.
So please...always feel welcome to share your advice. If you missed the mark, or maybe if you misjudged me - well, that too is useful information. Shows me I might not be presenting myself accurately. Or it gives me an opportunity to explain why something doesn’t apply to me.
I wish people were different sometimes. Primarily, I wish people didn't have such fragile personalities as to be constantly offended by something as innocent as someone trying to help. Or to be offended by things like generalisations or even sexism...because people who let that stuff offend them are constantly on the look out for it. They read into everything and manipulate what you say to make you out to believe things you don’t believe...and they just have no sense of humor. It’s exhausting. It does make me miss the days when kids were raised to try to deal with the world and brush off the things that upset them, or be stronger than their feelings. When I was in school, for instance, we learned that it was bad to label people, and that’s you shouldn’t label yourself, either. It boxes you in. Makes it so you find it harder to be true to yourself. Now everyone has a whole stack of labels they use to define themselves and they actually want you to label them...(but not to generalize their label. Lol)
People are so frustrating sometimes.