Sense of Belonging

[AlisaD]

I've read about how a sense of belonging can be rather comforting, or even make people genuinely happy.

My problem is that I never really experienced it completely. Not even with my family, or with really close friends, or in relationships, not to mention countries, companies or clubs. No matter who I was with, I've always felt like I was just me, not a part of something bigger.

Come to think of it, I don't think I ever really felt the need to belong anywhere.

So, how about you? Do you belong anywhere? Would you like to? Why?

 

[Fallenman]

Thats interesting. I certainly don't feel like I belong often, but I have felt like I've belonged with my friends, my dad in particular, my country, hell even my school.

I don't necessarily need to belong to many things, but I do need to belong to at least one thing at any given time. My autonomy has been threatened, and while I will survive most things, I have run up against circumstances that I could not overcome on my own. I yearn to have at least one person on my side at all times to even the playing field against this harsh reality. So my desire to belong is directly related to my sense of security.

What is more, I have surmised that life revolves around love. How can one live life without love? What reason would we get up in the morning for? Now some people manage to subsist with pets, hobbies, games, life's work, but in my opinion I have decided for myself that people are the most important thing in any persons world. This world is completely pointless to us without other humans. As such, I have decided to throw my lot with humanity, and often attempt to better my relations with them. I'm doing ok I think...

 

[citrusbreath95]

I know what you're saying. I almost always never feel like I belong to anything. A lot of the times from this, I feel completely disconnected from everything, like a mere observer of it all, or foreign stranger to everything. Sometimes this is done intentionally to observe and evaluate from a distance, yet sometimes it just happens, and I don't know what it is a result of. In a way, I enjoy this as I can analyze the situation, focus on my thoughts, and feel (and are) different than the majority of people. The only times I've ever felt apart of something was a few times when I went to Church, I think once at an orchestra concert (I felt apart of the orchestra) and I probably have had other experiences, but my mind is drawing a blank. I've tried to rationalize such a feeling, and I've thought perhaps I never feel apart of anything because I don't share the amount of interest/mindset that the others around me do.

I suppose that's why I might feel apart of something only momentarily, (for example, if I were in a group of scientists my age, and we were discussing physics, I would feel rather connected there as I love physics), though after a while, even for that group I would feel like the odd one out. I don't necessarily wish to belong to anything, the importance many place on trying to fit in just isn't there for me. That isn't to say that when I do feel connected to something, it doesn't feel nice, it does, but it's rare when such happens. Do I belong anywhere? Well, the only place I know I belong is the Church (not necessarily the physical building, but the idea of Christianity), as I've gotten the most sense of acceptance there. The rest is only to be discovered as life progresses. I might drop orchestra or science (I hope not) but if so, then I will feel like a stranger in these areas. I don't think I'll ever feel like I completely belong to something, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't.

 

[AlisaD]

@FM You seem to be suggesting that love and belonging are connected. I don't see that. I love quite a few people. I can connect, try to understand, give. I just don't feel the need to belong to/with them, or to claim ownership over someone.

Love and belonging seem like two completely different things to me.

 

[Fallenman]

ok, this is what I define belonging as... whenever you have the mentality of an us versus them. Its our school versus their school, my best friend against everyone else at the party, my country against their country, etc etc. But I am of the opinion that love and belonging do have a symbiotic relationship, where love inspires belonging, or belonging inspires love. Being stuck with a person against a common enemy may force you to come together and form a bond etc etc.

But I guess we should define belonging. Loosely i'm thinking of it as belonging to a GROUP and so I define it as being in a group. Whether it be family, school, friends or what have you. I belong to several groups, for many different reasons.

EDIT: lol i give two definitions of belonging but one was a mental predisposition and the other is more of descriptive.

 

[AlisaD]

I always thought of a sense of belonging as a sense that you are a part of something.

I just feel as the whole me. I can love people, or groups, and be happy for their success and cheer for them, but never really feel that their success or failure is mine.

 

[warryer]

I don't feel as though I really belong anywhere right now. I don't think you can begin to belong anywhere until you have a sense that things will remain static. Some sort of constant.

Going off that I guess the only real feeling of belonging I got was from a pack of cigarettes. Very unhealthy (and lazy), I know. I have recently given it up and am trying to focus on becoming more in tune (and responsive) with my needs.

I think family should be the first and foremost ...institution?... to belong to. Through hell and high water they are there with you. If you haven't experienced this feeling, I extend my sympathy. It is quite possibly one of the more beautiful things in life.

 

[Dormouse]

I rarely feel as if I belong anywhere. Even with great friends there remains this sensation that I'm wearing a mask. Occasionally it slips off, but never for very long.

 

[EditorOne]

"I always thought of a sense of belonging as a sense that you are a part of something."

Yes. I think it's a genetic endowment that pushes us to work in small groups to get things done one person can't do, genes preserved by evolutionary success. If you want to see it on steroids watch firefighters or an infantry platoon that has seen combat or a newsroom that has pushed out an extra edition to meet huge news like the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. There is a positive feeling that comes when you've been useful to others in reaching a common goal. If it wasn't hardwired into most of us, we'd be more like chimpanzee tribes than high-tech achievers.

However there's also "comfort level," slightly different from "belonging." I never felt I "belonged" in high school, for instance, but because it was a small school and I'd gone to grade school with a good portion of my class anyway, I knew just about everybody down to what color shoe lace they preferred and what they'd have in the lunch box each day. Even now, decades later, I'm still more comfortable with those people than anyone else. (Except the voices in here, which is an entirely separate category. :-) )

 

[universe34]

I think some of the aforementioned definitions of belonging are a little off. For example: the concept that working for a common goal defines belonging. I belong to a marching band in which over 250 members all strive for the same goal. However, I do not belong with them. Also, I think it has little to do with personality, at least with our MBTI types. My very best friend is an ESTJ, I belong with him. Hmm.

 

[Ermine]

I don't feel as though I really belong anywhere right now. I don't think you can begin to belong anywhere until you have a sense that things will remain static. Some sort of constant.

I think family should be the first and foremost ...institution?... to belong to. Through hell and high water they are there with you. If you haven't experienced this feeling, I extend my sympathy. It is quite possibly one of the more beautiful things in life.

Agreed. While I technically belong to various groups, I don't feel a sense of belonging per se. For example, until recently, I was an art major. I technically belonged to that group of artists/designers. But in reality, I didn't totally relate/belong with the people there. I wasn't incredibly passionate about my work like everyone else. I wasn't imprisoned by math/science phobia like many artists tend to be. The main thing I could relate to was being a free spirit, and having a creative mind.

And belonging to a family truly is a beautiful thing. There are times when I can't relate/belong with my family on a deep, personal level, but one of the few things I do know for sure is that I belong there. I will always be loved and welcome, no matter what. And the fact that we have experienced so much together makes us close, and transcends the occasional personality clashes.

My family is composed of INTP me, INFP sister, ENTP brother, ESTJ mom and ISTP dad. Sometimes they all drive me up the wall, my sister with her obstinate conviction in feelings that don't make sense, my brother with his tendency to argue everything to death with circular logic, my mom and her dominating personality and insistence on perfect logistics, and my dad and the way he just doesn't understand the Ne side of me. However, it all works out because there is a basic assumption that we all love each other.

Additionally, with this common knowledge that we will always be there for one another has given me the freedom to treat the home as a sociological/psychological lab of sorts. I can work on self improvement and social skills with a lot less fear than I would have in a "real life" situation.

 

[Mondorius]

Hmm, short answer would be, no, I don't feel like I belong and yes, I would like to be able to feel like I belong somewhere.

To expand a little bit, the feeling of belonging does make me feel happy, but I cannot help thinking, every single time I feel like I belong, that it is also stupid. No matter how much or how little I feel like I belong, I know I still remain an individual. That place or group will disappear eventually wether or not I die before it does... and what am I without it?

Not to mention, besides family, is there a place you can belong to effortlessly? I can hardly imagine any. So, to me, it looks like a rather time consuming and unsafe investment.

So I've been trying to find the biggest entity I can to associate with, like, the entire universe and while it makes me smile sometimes, it's still a rather cold place to be.

 

[Minuend]

Well, well. Oddly, I have these glimpses of what different emotions would feel like. Sometimes when I'm thinking, I suddenly get this faint feeling of what it (probably) would feel like to be in love, to belong, being desperate and various other feelings. It is weird, but gives insight.

Based on that (not a very robust foundation, but oh), I'd say the feeling of belonging is quite nice. There is some pleasant feelings involved when you have people close to you and relate to them. I think it is something easily missed by INTPs as they easily distance themselves.

That being said, no, I don't have anywhere I really feel I belong.

I think it would be nice to be a part of a, say, nerdy group where we have similar interests and thinking. I think a good network is important to have a solid sense of self. You need someone to reinforce you and back you up occasionally. And, of course, prevent you from falling into your own world that slowly becomes distorted and unrealistic.

I always thought of a sense of belonging as a sense that you are a part of something.

I just feel as the whole me. I can love people, or groups, and be happy for their success and cheer for them, but never really feel that their success or failure is mine.

I don't think those two have to be intertwined. You won't loose yourself in the group just because you have a close relationship with it. I think a good group would encourage your individuality.

 

[Linada]

To me belonging indicates some kind of independence. Not really compatible with the self sufficiency I really want to have. The less people I am bound to the better.
What I do feel is a sort of kinship. Here for example, because we are all INTPs. While we do differ a lot in some respects, we also have a good deal of us vs them perspective. We get each other. Same for a bunch of students studying the same subjects. Fans of a computer games. Etc etc.

 

[AlisaD]

I don't think those two have to be intertwined. You won't loose yourself in the group just because you have a close relationship with it. I think a good group would encourage your individuality.

I agree.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being a part of something, or belonging somewhere. I don't think belonging to a group would necessarily have a bad influence on one's individuality either. I even wonder what it would be like to be a part of one.

I just never was. Or really felt compelled to be.

 

[Fallenman]

Well groups have a variety of purposes to be sure ^^.

 

[KazeCraven]

I don't feel as though I really belong anywhere right now. I don't think you can begin to belong anywhere until you have a sense that things will remain static. Some sort of constant.

Going off that I guess the only real feeling of belonging I got was from a pack of cigarettes. Very unhealthy (and lazy), I know. I have recently given it up and am trying to focus on becoming more in tune (and responsive) with my needs.

I think family should be the first and foremost ...institution?... to belong to. Through hell and high water they are there with you. If you haven't experienced this feeling, I extend my sympathy. It is quite possibly one of the more beautiful things in life.

Hmmm. It seems like family is more of a 'duty' which I've never liked for some reason. That's part of the reason I don't feel like I 'belong' there either, though my nature makes me feel like I have a family debt to pay off.

Also, I don't think I've ever felt similar enough to anyone to consider such an individual a part of me. That's what belonging is, right? I've wanted to belong only in the abstract sense of wanting what other people have got, though nowadays I can't tell whether I actually don't have a need for belonging or if I'm "lying to myself."

Such issues make subjective experience quite irritating to think about. Even in my own head, it feels like a guessing game.

Finally, @Fallenman, I agree that life revolves around love, though I don't think (as you seem to imply) that love necessarily means love of another person. I think each individual chooses (or is wired to choose) her own sources of meaning in life, and core values don't necessarily involve other people. But I can certainly see a case for them necessarily being critical.

 

[dreamoftheunknown]

I don't feel as though I really belong anywhere right now. I don't think you can begin to belong anywhere until you have a sense that things will remain static. Some sort of constant.

Tell me about. I, too, very often feel as though I don't belong, regardless of the company I keep. Someone else mentioned physicists earlier in this thread, and admittedly, the rare occasions in which I do feel like one of the group is when I eat lunch with my colleagues (yes, I am a physicist - an astrophysicist, to be precise) even though we hardly ever discuss physics over lunch, and most of them are many years older than I. It's a camaraderie that's born out of being cut out of similar molds even though we all come from very different backgrounds. However, the cruel reality is that just when you get to know everyone, it's time for you to leave. Thus, even in fields that attract a lot of people like us, there's no semblance of sense of belonging, no semblance of sense of peace, until you can finally settle down.

 

[Trebuchet]

When I was an undergraduate, I was surrounded by people like me, who had the same sense of humor, and accepted me and supported me for who I was. It wasn't a perfect place, but I surely did belong there. I knew it within an hour of walking on campus when I was looking at colleges.

Belonging like that, which I miss, was indeed comforting and wonderful. Sometimes I didn't get along with whoever I was talking to, and some of us didn't like each other. But I never felt like an outsider there. No one ever looked at me like I was an alien, even if they looked at me like I was being annoying or simple. I didn't have to hide the real me, and one nice thing about that was I started believing there was a real me. I know some people have posted on this forum that they had trouble figuring out who they were under the masks, or if they even existed. It was a good thing to learn.

I still have people I belong with, but it isn't exactly the same as my wonderful "nerdy group where we have similar interests and thinking" as Minuend put it. A good bit of the time, I don't feel that I belong at all, and it makes me defensive and grouchy and nostalgic for the good old days.

My major was astrophysics, but unlike Dreamoftheunknown, I didn't make it in that field. Alas. I have often wondered if I would have continued to feel the sense of belonging if I had stayed in physics, but after reading the previous post, I don't know that I would.

 

[Riiscup]

I rarely feel a sense of belonging, but I do seek it out because it is a great feeling. I see belonging as feeling as if someone understands me and likes me for who I am and enjoys my company and looks forward to it. I, in turn, understand and accept that other person or group and enjoy their company and look forward to it. This is VERY hard for me to find, and though I've had glimpses of feeling as if I belonged, the feeling is never longlasting because people seem to get bored with me. This makes me quite hesitant in investing in new relationships with people, but nevermind that. I do feel alot of love for my family and feel they love me unconditionally. I feel like they have my back and I have theirs, but my mother has told me herself that she still doesn't really understand me. I printed out a INTP profile and gave it to her and she said it helped her tremendously in understanding me and felt it described me exactly. Belonging is more than just being involved in a group with people who have similar interests as me, at least for me it is.

 

[Jackooboy]

INTPs are horrible at social interaction. I've coped simply by observing others... approaching social interaction as an academic theory to be studied, an then applied. It's really difficult to fake certain emotions.

Basic rules:

Say nothing negative.

Only say non disagreeable positive statements.

Try to smile when you initially meet someone.

Anyhow, I doubt my effectiveness as a pastor because of my non personable personality. I think I would give some great thought provolking sermons though...

If this doesn't work out it's law or economics next.

 

[Ariel]

...

If this doesn't work out it's law or economics next.

I recommend economics. I'm a lawyer and wish I'd gone with economics. Just because I had no idea how economists earn a living, doesn't mean I shouldn't have pursued that and found a way. It would be a much better career for an INTP, in my experience.

 

[chilidog]

I don't really feel like I belong, either. I am here just existing, maintaining my existence, and trying to fit in as best as I possibly can. I have plenty of friends, family, co-workers (although I'm pretty sure that I am the only INTP) to surround myself with, so I have become rather good at putting on my 'mask', and convincing others that I am having a good time.

In some ways, I do enjoy social interactions, as long as the environment is relatively quiet. I do like analyzing people's actions and characteristics. I just don't really have anybody to share these things with, so I mostly just keep them inside. In the rare moments that I do share what I am thinking, people tend to get that raised eyebrow look at me, then ask me if I'm high. *shrug*

 

[nexion]

Basically, what AlisaD said. I don't feel like I really belong anywhere (except maybe here) or with anybody. Which truthfully, is nice, because I could pretty much go anywhere and not worry about people at all. I have always wanted to travel. I shall do it someday. It is nice to feel like you don't have to stay in one place for too long. But, of course, I never did feel a desire to belong. To belong usually means to conform, and to conform is to destroy identity. Even knowing that, oddly enough... I'm sure that you have heard people saying they don't like to be called a number? I truly don't mind that much.

 

[Vrecknidj]

There are few groups I feel that I belong to. One is a group of D&D players; but, we've been playing together since the mid 1980s, so, we're kinda like brothers by this time.

I don't go to a church, I don't find my coworkers to be part of a group that I feel any affiliation with, I don't have any clubs or anything like that.

I understand that others, particularly SJs, really need this. But, I'm comfy with not identifying myself with a group, or feeling like I derive meaning from being part of something bigger than myself (in that way).

Dave

 

[EyeSeeCold]

My sense of belonging comes from being needed/understood. If I'm not relating to people or coming up with ideas for others with my introverted thinking and extraverted intuition then I feel like I'm the only one thinking a certain way (and I usually am).