Looking people IN THE EYES!

[Dimensional Transition]

I find this really, really hard. I always try to when it's a serious conversation, for example a job interview, but after a few seconds of looking that person in the eyes I feel like I need some 'air', look away for a moment. Sometimes I think people might think I'm paranoid because I'm constantly looking around them and me when talking to them to avoid too much eye contact. I sometimes feel like laughing too when someone stares at me while talking, especially while they're angry(and when they're angry I usually do, and it magically stops the anger as well!), it just seems very funny for some reason. Other times it just feels like people are staring into your soul and it's annoying. Or I'll start thinking about what aspect of my face they could be looking at.

Eventually I just end up analyzing that persons' behavior and facial expressions rather than listening to what the person has to say.

Common thing?

 

[dark]

It is an issue with some people. I personally like looking people in the face/eyes while talking to them. I do tend to look up in the corner of my eyes some times when I am searching for answers but I always come back, I figure I look quite funny. I especially enjoy looking into a females eyes when I talk to her, it helps me not feel nervous. I have noticed a lot of people will either hold eye contact like I do or they will act like they are, or they will actively be shy and show they have problems doing it. I really don't think it has to do with types at all, I am shy and I hold eye contact.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

When I was young I couldn't look people in the eyes for long, but during early high school I learned to trained myself. Now, I do it so easily I think I come off as domineering or creepy.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

I really don't think it has to do with types at all, I am shy and I hold eye contact.

What would be the factor causing the 'fear' of holding eye contact then be?

 

[Stoic Beverage]

I usually have my eyes downcast, but if someone says something to me, then I look them straight in the eyes. I've always done this. Sometimes people can find it creepy, but if the other person is fidgety it usually makes my social awkwardness seem a little less apparent.

 

[Trebuchet]

Other times it just feels like people are staring into your soul and it's annoying.

You could be a wizard. Have you read the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher? It's about a wizard, and this is one of his smallest problems. I think he must know exactly what you are talking about.

 

[gruesomebrat]

To be honest, I'm not sure that I've looked directly at someone who I was talking to in over a year. I know that I've carried out entire conversations with my dad in the past couple months without so much as glancing at him once, and yet, some of those conversations were real bonding moments. I'm not entirely sure why it is that eye contact feels unnatural to me, but it almost always has. My family used to think it was a little odd that I would never look at them when I was talking to them, and teachers have always thought that I wasn't paying attention, but I find that when I look at someone directly, I start to feel... I don't know, almost claustrophobic.

I don't think that its common to any particular type, but it could be a personal space issue...

 

[dark]

Here is my observation. The eye thing anthropological (I am no expert) speaking is a defense mechanism of sorts. It has a domineering and submission entity existing within. Throughout many ancient cultures and probably even some today it is seen as rude or disrespectful for an individual to look directly in the eyes of another that is not of the same social status. Those of lower status usually do not look anyone in the eyes, and it is common knowledge that the lowest status is always the overwhelming majority of the human population.

So it could be looked upon as evolutionary, if you have problems looking into the eyes of another, it could be how your ancestors lived back in some point in time, which would have had to had happened through out many generations. And I mean many. Which there are many parts in history where this kind of human savagery has existed.

Which if I am right, this is a survival trait that was needed back in those moments.

So, it is also not impossible to overcome this fear. Since it could be a psychological construct it could be analyzed and deduced to its elements.

I have seen extroverts like this and I have seen introverts. Most of my mothers family is this way, my fathers family is not. Out of my mothers family even those who do not look away, I can notice a trace of anxiety, which means they had to overcome this, but whatever there is behind it psychological is still there.

When I look into someones eyes while talking to them, either actively speaking or actively listening or anything else, I get an excitement. It gives me energy, more so than just being around people does. It also helps me control things in my head so I know I must not have much of that evolutionary trait, if it is one. For those I think that have the trait, well they get anxious and we know where that goes. Of course I can be completely wrong.

@ what EyesSeeCold mentioned. For some that are unaccustomed to the eye thing, may find it creepy, while others find it mesmerizing. It is a domineering trait, not dominate, but recessive I would have to think. Think of military-esque, the officers look their men in the eyes while the men look straight forward and are forced to learn to not allow another to dominate them.

Almost all of our interactions have historical context of how human culture was shaped by the people as much as the locations. If one will allow their mind to gather information and begin to see the possibilities, there is quite a lot of information on why we do what we do.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Plus some animals, especially dogs see it as a form of aggression. I'm sure some humans do the same.

 

[Stoic Beverage]

I don't think that its common to any particular type, but it could be a personal space issue...

Actually, I hate it when people get close to me or touch me, but I still have no trouble keeping eye contact.

 

[EvilScientist Trainee]

There's a difference between looking people in the eyes when you make a statement and a stare contest.

I had a huge difficulty to look people in the eyes when I was younger. I'd look everywhere, their foot, their chest, the other side of the room, the ceiling - except their eyes. After a time, I noticed that people, when trying to convince me, looked me in the eyes when doing so.

And that's the thing with that. You don't need to look at the other people constantly (And you'll notice that you'll look at people-that-you-like eyes' more than normal) to look confident, but doing so when trying to make an important argument makes the other person sure that you are honest - even if you're not.

Fleeting eyes are associated with insecurity and also dishonesty in our culture. In other cultures, however, looking authorities in the eye makes you look unrespectful. Staring people, in other hand, is taken as a challenge or as an aggressive attitute, as EyeSeeCold mentioned.

Just try hard to look at people's eye during important parts of your speech, and you'll be fine. It gets easier with time. Ah, and people can notice that you're zoning out.

Edit:

Spoiler

YouTube - Jonas Brothers: When You Look Me In The Eyes - Official (HQ)

It just fits this thread. Badly. Terribly actually. But it fits

 

[dark]

^ Yep can tell a lot from looking in some ones eyes.

 

[knightofni]

What would be the factor causing the 'fear' of holding eye contact then be?

It’s not always easy. If I’m nervous, too self-aware, or if I just don’t care what the other person is saying, eye-contact becomes very difficult indeed.

I’ve read that eye contact is a really powerful communication signal. It says “I am listening to you completely.” I try to do it a lot on purpose. For such a small behavioral modification, the response is pretty neat. Seems silly, but I guess it makes the recipient feel like everything they say is really great, and they synchronously think I’m great too.

Calculated extroversion is what it feels like.

 

[knightofni]

Plus some animals, especially dogs see it as a form of aggression. I'm sure some humans do the same.

I agree, although, expression has a lot to do with it... unless the dog is autistic.

 

[Zeldon]

Looking people in the eyes is one way I could commit suicide. Anybody know of the Medusa? I think introverts should avoid focusing too much.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

But if you don't focus, generally you won't become good at looking someone in the eyes.

 

[Zeldon]

But if you don't focus, generally you won't become good at looking someone in the eyes.

You can glance, but the path of understanding requires you to focus as little as possible.

 

[crippli]

I have a slight condition of strabismus. It's better not to look in my eyes. You will get disoriented, and possibly uncomfortable. Because you will probably not see what I am focusing on.

 

[Zeldon]

I have a slight condition of strabismus. It's better not to look in my eyes. You will get disoriented, and possibly uncomfortable. Because you will probably not see what I am focusing on.

Eye contact is overrated.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Plus some animals, especially dogs see it as a form of aggression. I'm sure some humans do the same.

Definitely.

but I find that when I look at someone directly, I start to feel... I don't know, almost claustrophobic.

Exactly, it feels as if you're driven into a corner, eh?

You could be a wizard. Have you read the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher? It's about a wizard, and this is one of his smallest problems. I think he must know exactly what you are talking about.

<3

You don't need to look at the other people constantly (And you'll notice that you'll look at people-that-you-like eyes' more than normal) to look confident, but doing so when trying to make an important argument makes the other person sure that you are honest - even if you're not.

Fleeting eyes are associated with insecurity and also dishonesty in our culture. In other cultures, however, looking authorities in the eye makes you look unrespectful. Staring people, in other hand, is taken as a challenge or as an aggressive attitute, as EyeSeeCold mentioned.

Just try hard to look at people's eye during important parts of your speech, and you'll be fine. It gets easier with time. Ah, and people can notice that you're zoning out.

That's worrying. So to the girl I like I seem like an untrustworthy anxious weak guy?
I do look her in the eyes sometimes. Feels amazing. Maybe because I'm not used to looking people in the eyes.

 

[Jean Paul]

Anime Chick stares into your soul

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070221015924/uncyclopedia/images/d/db/Haruhi_stare.jpg

 

[EvilScientist Trainee]

That's worrying. So to the girl I like I seem like an untrustworthy anxious weak guy?
I do look her in the eyes sometimes. Feels amazing. Maybe because I'm not used to looking people in the eyes.

Anxious weak guy. Untrustworthy is when you're doing that in more serious business. Overall, eye contact is a good sign of confidence.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Sadface.

 

[Bird]

I find this really, really hard. I always try to when it's a serious conversation, for example a job interview, but after a few seconds of looking that person in the eyes I feel like I need some 'air', look away for a moment. Sometimes I think people might think I'm paranoid because I'm constantly looking around them and me when talking to them to avoid too much eye contact. I sometimes feel like laughing too when someone stares at me while talking, especially while they're angry(and when they're angry I usually do, and it magically stops the anger as well!), it just seems very funny for some reason. Other times it just feels like people are staring into your soul and it's annoying. Or I'll start thinking about what aspect of my face they could be looking at.

Eventually I just end up analyzing that persons' behavior and facial expressions rather than listening to what the person has to say.

Common thing?

I really like to look people in the eyes as I walk
past them. It's fun when they turn around and
look at you like "do I know her? why she look
at me like that?"


When having a conversation I find I'm either too
intensely keeping eye contact or too intensely
avoiding it. I cannot find that happy middle ground.
I also feel like the longer I hold eye contact the
larger my eyes become because I get paranoid
to blink, what if I miss the vital facial expression
I am so keenly staring for!?!?!


I have a hard time focusing sometimes when
people talk to me. I pay attention to their tone
rather than their words and I become obsessed
with facial animations and look like an over-eager
child.


If someone stares at me while I'm talking I will
blush, stumble over my words, stop talking,
avert gaze. It's annoying. I'm working on my
paranoid delusions.

 

[gnome]

I don't make eye contact. Probably because most of the people I interact with don't require it. Most small talk and socializing is pretty superficial/shallow. I'd compare it to buying a hooker. I don't want her moaning and pretending its the best sex of her life. We both know she's faking it and it just makes it more awkward for the both of us. Let's not fake that we're having some intense moment when we're not.

Honestly I don't think eye contact is important. You can use it for various things I guess. You can tell if someone is lying. You can tell if someone is attracted to you. You can tell if someone is under the influence. All in all though none of those things are really my business. If you want to lie to me that's fine. If you're attracted to me let me know. If you're under the influence please share the drugs with me.

To be honest, I'm not sure that I've looked directly at someone who I was talking to in over a year. I know that I've carried out entire conversations with my dad in the past couple months without so much as glancing at him once, and yet, some of those conversations were real bonding moments. I'm not entirely sure why it is that eye contact feels unnatural to me, but it almost always has. My family used to think it was a little odd that I would never look at them when I was talking to them, and teachers have always thought that I wasn't paying attention, but I find that when I look at someone directly, I start to feel... I don't know, almost claustrophobic.

I don't think that its common to any particular type, but it could be a personal space issue...

We're exact same in this area. I think my eye contact has always been brief if it ever occurs. Same exact situation with my dad. Real bonding moments with no eye contact. Conversations lasting nearly an hour.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

If someone stares at me while I'm talking I will
blush, stumble over my words, stop talking,
avert gaze. It's annoying. I'm working on my
paranoid delusions.

Reminds me of the INFJ I knew in highschool. I complimented her hairstyle and she just shut down lol. Cute and funny yea, but sometimes annoying, when you are trying to get a conversation going.

 

[Anchorite]

I'm more inclined to look people in the eye when they're talking to me rather than when I'm talking to them, just to let them know they have my attention. Once it comes my turn to talk, my eyes might be set in their general direction or anywhere else in the vicinity.

 

[warryer]

I'm more inclined to look people in the eye when they're talking to me rather than when I'm talking to them, just to let them know they have my attention. Once it comes my turn to talk, my eyes might be set in their general direction or anywhere else in the vicinity.

I'm the same way. I can't think straight if I have my eyes locked. It becomes a flood of information that I can't process so, I start tripping over my words. Sometimes it can be as intense as to cause a physical recoil like I was hit in the face.

 

[lio]

I listen intently by sitting upright and staring at the ground or even closing my eyes sometimes. Maintaining eye contact diverts my attention and mental resources away from the content of the discussion. I find it far more natural to make eye contact when speaking.

Problems arise when the discussion has an emotional or bonding subtext. Without eye contact, those kinds of interactions are difficult, especially if the other interlocutor isn't NT.

 

[Words]

In my understanding of Jungian Perspective, this is most likely a quick hint of being an introverted judger. It is not mandatory behavior but its a popular issue for introverted judgers. The "object" is the person, therefore, the "subject" is disinclined towards the person. Disinclination can lead to other issues.

I have this but mine is a bit strange. Strange in the way that I lack control, thus I lack intermediation. To be specific, I either focus too much on the eyes or not focus at all.

It creates misunderstandings. It weakens relationships because of a common understanding of social cues.

 

[JarNew]

Yea I look people in THEIR TWO EYES! But that gets boring. Very boring.

So instead I look at their crotch

I also like staring people so closely in the eye that I can see when their pupil gets bigger or smaller.

 

[Zensunni]

What would be the factor causing the 'fear' of holding eye contact then be?

Do you smoke pot?

 

[jzono1]

I enjoy looking people in the eyes. It's a powerful tool.

The confidence aspect of it is interesting. A fixed stare is intimidating, too little eye contact makes you seem anxious. Do something in between right, and it can make you radiate confidence, calmness, or even just reassure whoever you're talking to.

Adaptability is the key to using it successfully. Act upon the feedback of whoever you're looking at. With your eyes, you can break their stare - or help them meet your eyes directly if you do it the right way. It can be a game.

You can invite eye contact, by gradually building trust. Short glances, look away first - and suddenly many people feel more comfortable looking you in the eyes quickly. Duration is important, but more so is endurance. If you break, you're acting submissively, if you hold "forever" and let the other person break the eye contact, you're being dominant. How you break the eye contact is important too; glance right down and away, and you act way submissive, but look to the sides, and duration decides if you're being dominant or not.

As for the whole evolutionary roots for eye contact, just look at cats and dogs. They react to eyes. Playfull cats crawl forward when you're looking away. Dogs pick up on direct stares. Do it with a dog you trust, and it can be used both for discipline, and for reassurance. For me, "look at me" is one of the key commands a dog needs to know, as it lets me put extra weight on other commands, and gives room for leniency for everyday things. Dogs met with a dominant stare are less likely to disobey your orders if they trust you. If I say sit and Virma doesn't want to sit, she doesn't sit. If I tell her to look at me and then to sit, she does it and shows me that she doesn't really want to do it.

 

[yoopernation]

lio ... Get out of my mind! You even phrased things very closely to how I would have.

 

[LAM]

I always thought it was very awkward for as long as I can remember me caring about it. It just seems so intrusive and also its possibly awkward for me because I have always been doing something when I was talking (eg; writing, reading, on the computer, playing ball games, as a child playing games like hide and seek, etc.) A habit that continues until today (I can't speak without multitasking at least a little, even if that may be tapping with a finger, fiddling with something, etc.)

Additionally I'd probably find it awkward since probably the only times I looked people in the eyes was when we were about to fight or when I lied/lie. Also when I do look people in the eyes they are disconcerted because A; its extremely rare for me to do that and B; apparently I have creepy floating dead eyes (although I blame that for my multitude of eye problems; short-sightedness, slight strabismus, generally always tired/squinty eyes because of my time on computers...)

 

[Melkor]

Then your avatar lies.

 

[Hammond]

I find this really, really hard. I always try to when it's a serious conversation, for example a job interview, but after a few seconds of looking that person in the eyes I feel like I need some 'air', look away for a moment. Sometimes I think people might think I'm paranoid because I'm constantly looking around them and me when talking to them to avoid too much eye contact. I sometimes feel like laughing too when someone stares at me while talking, especially while they're angry(and when they're angry I usually do, and it magically stops the anger as well!), it just seems very funny for some reason. Other times it just feels like people are staring into your soul and it's annoying. Or I'll start thinking about what aspect of my face they could be looking at.

Eventually I just end up analyzing that persons' behavior and facial expressions rather than listening to what the person has to say.

Common thing?

Very common, and perhaps it's not just for introverts or INTPs either.

I lose my train of thought when I look people in the eyes too long, so often I'll think about what I'm going to say, look them in the eyes and say it, sometimes look away to the sky to come up with a thought, and then sometimes I'll look at their mouth.

 

[Causeless]

Random peek-in!

I'm capable, especially when I'm with someone who I know might judge character or confidence based on eye contact, but I dislike extended eye contact. It's not that it makes me feel uncomfortable... but it's certainly not a natural thing for me, unless I'm willfully and enthusiastically engaged with a person.


Interesting side not though: I will never look in a person's eyes if I'm crying. I just can't seem to, for whatever reason.

 

[grey matters]

The similarities between the INTP personality and Autism spectrum disorders like aspergers has in the past been an ongoing topic of conversation. Being that those with aspergers also have difficulty with eye contact, perhaps it's time to revisit this connection.

And now for a random string of smiley faces that are completely irrelevant to the conversation at hand:

 

[EyeSeeCold]

The similarities between the INTP personality and Autism spectrum disorders like aspergers has in the past been an ongoing topic of conversation. Being that those with aspergers also have difficulty with eye contact, perhaps it's time to revisit this connection.

And now for a random string of smiley faces that are completely irrelevant to the conversation at hand:

It's hard to argue with MBTI in mind because of its flaws but:
Autism spectrum: INTP, ENTJ, ISTP, ESTJ
Slowed response: INTP, ISTP, ISFP, INFP.

I'm not saying these types are the ones with disorders, but the disorders themselves correlate with the processes that form the dominant nature of these types.

Every human is a combination of a myriad of disorders. It just so happens that some disorders are more apparent than others.

 

[Jennywocky]

Actually, I hate it when people get close to me or touch me, but I still have no trouble keeping eye contact.

I typically need a little bit of buffer around me, although close girl friends and I will touch each other as we talk. But that's only a few people. Most people don't get to touch me.

The eye thing, though? I've never had an issue with that. I like to look at people when they're talking to me and make eye contact, and the general response is that it helps them feel heard and comes across as "warm and inviting" to them.... it shows I care.

Which I do. I have trouble not looking at someone when we're talking, it's part of the connection. Not looking at someone as we talk in person feels as uncomfortable nowadays to me as driving fast while not wearing a seatbelt.

 

[childish_intellect]

The eye is my least favorite organ of the human body. Still I find myself staring at them, often with a wide eyed look and little to no blinking.

Teachers would sometimes get nervous or make mistakes while talking. They would sneak a glance or two to check if I was still watching them. I always loved how sometimes one of them would walk to the farthest corner of the room only to find that my eyes have followed them.

 

[walfin]

I don't really have a problem looking people in the eye (as in, I don't feel uncomfortable), but the problem is not being able to decide which eye to look at. Then I have to keep switching, and it's very annoying.

If I look at the nosebridge, then I am no longer looking them in the eye, which feels a bit weird.

If all of us were monocular it would solve this problem, but then we'd no longer have 3D vision.

 

[Taniwha]

Its hard for me because I get sensory overload (Aspergers) I prefer to look at the ground and focus on what the individual is saying, by leaning in with right ear with my hand on my chin (as in thinking).

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Okay, well, I'm practicing now. I'm managing to pull off to look at someone for 15 seconds new, then look away for a second, and look again. I've noticed most people I talk to do this too, so I'm in the alright-zone now, I guess.
But Taniwha, how does that sensory overload feel? I think I know what you mean, but I don't have Aspergers.

 

[ScorpioINTP]

Plus some animals, especially dogs see it as a form of aggression. I'm sure some humans do the same.

I don't know..that might need to be combined with other behavior. I find I can bond and communicate with dogs using eye contact alone and almost transmit my non-threatening intent. Maybe it is dominance, not aggression? I am extremely bonded with my two dogs and make extended eye contact all the time. I call it "soul snuggling". It's like looking into a human's eyes that you love deeply.

I suppose dogs/animals, like humans, all respond differently and dogs have very individual personalities and dispositions.

On the whole eye contact thing, I am averse in many situations with strangers and look away often...sometimes out of discomfort, sometimes to concentrate on telling a story (something I'm not great at). With someone I find attractive or connected with, I actually enjoy prolonged eye contact and actually encourage it.
When it is really an intense feeling, it can overwhelm or spook the person.

 

[Meer]

I can look at a person's eyes. With casual breaks, of course, hopefully during transitions of the conversation. I can usually (probably) sense what people are feeling or thinking by looking at their eyes, which is likely not very special. Buut I like to think that I'm amazingly sensitive and can see right through people.

 

[ohrtonz]

I tend to look at some other random person in the group when communicating something more focused to someone else, but its also for everyone to hear. Just earlier today in a meeting I looked at someone else and then my eyes kind of up into my head toward the ceiling instead of the other person who I was directing my answer too. But second thing I talked about I looked at the correct person.

 

[gruesomebrat]

I think my dad's girlfriend is getting a little unnerved by the fact that I never look at her when I'm talking to her. So are some of my classmates, but they're not really important. My dad told me that I should treat his gf with respect, though, so I'm trying, but it's tough when her idea of respect is me looking at her when I'm talking to her. She doesn't seem to understand that I don't feel comfortable looking people in the eyes, or even really looking at people, period, when talking to them. On the other hand, if I try to talk to her, the conversation generally devolves into an argument when I try to correct her misconceptions, which she views as being disrespectful. I think I got stuck in a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't kind of a situation, and don't know what to do about it. Lately, I've just been trying to keep from talking to her at all, but that'll only work for a short time period.

I wonder... if, instead of staring into space by looking at the nearest wall, I were to focus on the wall behind the person talking to me, would they be able to tell that I'm not really looking at them? Or would it be enough to trick them into thinking I'm looking at them and paying attention to the drivel coming from their mouth?

 

[Pepper]

My level of eye contact varies with the situation.
It seems when I hold eye contact for a long time it unsettles people. I have been told it is very intense (and occasionally creepy).
So, in light, friendly conversations I intentionally avoid any lengthy eye contact. In arguments, or intense work situations I hold it until they look away, because fuck them. I want them to be uncomfortable.
And in personal relations, the more I like someone the less likely I am to make eye contact except for a fleeting moment, because I am a dork.