how do you deal with small talk when its forced upon you?

[Fedayeen]

For example i was getting a haircut and i am stuck sitting on the chair, and it seems like they just don't know when to shut up. They just have to talk talk talk. i try and give them a hint by answering in short yes or no answers. (its a "friend of the family's" so i can't just out right ignore them or i wont hear the end of it from my parents how rude it is and blah blah blah, in other words more talking)

Do you just tell them straight up to STFU, or just get by as a minimalist in the conversation, or perhaps chat with them on the same level?

 

[Jordan~]

I answer questions truthfully and don't make conversation myself. Puts most people off.

 

[Saturnine]

I think people get the hint pretty quickly lol I guess I give off negative vibes, but people rarely talk to me.

 

[Wisp]

Depend on the person. Peers judged by me to be "stupid" will be unacknowledged. I won't even stop my conversation with my friend, who will do it with less provocation than I do (A bit of a less mature INTP, I believe) But with normal people I will sometimes talk, sometimes use short answers.

 

[Aphasia]

I give short answers which are polite enough, but too short or concise to be interpreted as encouragement. Small talk I don't do well. But random talk is another thing entirely

 

[October]

The same here - short answers or say nothing at all, this goes the same with my chattering deskmate who just talks and talks endlessly and all the time I'm just daydreaming or thinking of something of my own. But most people take the hint after I answer in short words like "yes", "ok" or "fine", close people know that I'm not a talker and with strangers... I rarely say anything when a person just enters in a conversation with me at the tube or somewhere else.

 

[Perseus]

I don't mind, if I can make my excuses and leave. However, going to the barbers is a torture. I recommend choosing a female haircutter.

Telephone calls can be a nuisance, but it really depends on the person. They usually want something!

I think the disdain for small talk is an INTJ trait.

 

[Jordan~]

It's an IT trait.

 

[Ermine]

I just do a lot of smiling, nodding, yeah's, and uh huhs.

 

[NoID10ts]

Sometimes small talk is unavoidable especially in work related situations. I have to do it sometimes but I hate it. I typically give short answers and don't usually inquire anything of the talkee, but somehow I obviously manage to come off as very friendly because everyone just talks until their hearts are content to me. I would never be openly rude to someone.

To me, I have to be authentic, and small talk is not authentic. I don't really care how the other person is doing and I don't feel this inexplicable need to discuss the weather. I figure that if I don't care, the other person probably doesn't either so what is the point?

Now start a conversation with something like "Sometimes I think I would like to roast marshamellows over the burning carcasses of the masses" and you've got my attention.

 

[Perseus]

I do a lot of medium small talk. I start to decline to point out errors of fact when I know I am right. Afterall, it does not usually matter.

 

[grrreg]

Consider the situation, the person IS cutting your hair. I wouldn't want their potential annoyance taken out on my hair. So in that case, I would just smile and make eyes like , wow that's interesting, and then ask more detail about what they just said or soemthing related. I mean my haircutter is a total ego facist but gives a great cut. I put up with him.
When you don't want to make small talk ,and there's no forseeable need from that person later, avoid eye contact and just look around you in general. Short answers that kinda drift to no where plus doing a lot of not making eye contact generally will put the most persistant person off. Oh and don't reply right away when they ask you anything, as if you are far too stuck in your own head to realize they are there.

 

[Perseus]

Sitting still in a seat is so ghastly I could not actually read your message about the Barber Shop!

 

[Agent Intellect]

The same here - short answers or say nothing at all, this goes the same with my chattering deskmate who just talks and talks endlessly and all the time I'm just daydreaming or thinking of something of my own. But most people take the hint after I answer in short words like "yes", "ok" or "fine", close people know that I'm not a talker and with strangers... I rarely say anything when a person just enters in a conversation with me at the tube or somewhere else.

^me in a nutshell (i can't say i've ever actually used that term before, i don't know if its a good thing or not)


but to me it depends a lot though too. i small talk to people i know, although they generally do the most talking while i sit and nod. with people i don't know, i can only imagine that i must come off as quite rude.

 

[Radioactive_Springtime]

Im terribe at it but I do enjoy it or at least tolerate it unless I'm feeling down.

 

[Vrecknidj]

I participate, usually. It's a wonderful way to practice superficiality and/or extroversion. Those are traits that come in handy more often than most INTPs would like to admit.

Dave

 

[Wisp]

Yes, but at what cost?

 

[Vrecknidj]

The cost is minimal. INTPs are, after all, highly adaptable, and I think this just adds to the bag of tricks.

I go to the same "beauty parlor" every six weeks or so for my haircut. The woman who cuts my hair is quite likely an ESFJ. She's probably in her 50s, she's well-established in the community, etc. Her husband and one of my best friend's brothers-in-law happen to be brothers. (They're in their late 50s as well.) We don't actually have much in common, but, over the years, she's managed to pick up that I'm a teacher, that I take my kids to gaming conventions, that my wife is a labor doula, .... I've managed to pick up that she has had some weird zoning issues with her lake property, that her husband's family has had a lot of people dealing with cancer, etc.

So, between us, there's always some superficial conversation while she cuts my hair. She's very nice and friendly, and neither of us really knows that much about the other, but, there's nothing at all harmful about our relationship, and it turns a tedious chore (i.e. the whole grooming thing) into something less tedious.

I have similar relationships with some employees at local grocery stores, at a gas station, at the post office, etc.

Also, once you know these people, if you forget your wallet, it's a lot easier to get yourself extricated from the embarrassment because enough trust has been forged that you can work through the situation without some of the usual suspicion. (Not that I'd know from experience. )

Dave

 

[Vrecknidj]

Regarding the more annoying conversations, those with complete strangers while, for example, standing in line at the bank. Well, those offer almost no long-term payoff and so nurturing them isn't really a need.

That said, you never know when someone is going to turn out to be your kid's teacher, or your auto-mechanic, or the person putting your sandwich together. So, it pays to at least be courteous. And, since kindness usually comes back with interest, I often play that game a little more generously.

I tend to start nice, and stay nice, until sometime after the other person has irritated me. And, the irritation has to be real, and not just my own narcissism taking over.

If someone starts off as a jerk, though, I do what I can to avoid that person.

Dave

 

[Jordan~]

I'm always courteous and polite for the sake of being courteous and polite.

 

[severus]

Well how nice of you.
I always end up giving short answers. I don't want to be rude, I just can't think of things to say.

 

[vic]

I try really really hard to care, but always unintentionally give retarded answers that kind of sways the person the other way

 

[Agent Intellect]

a lot of times i feel like it would be easier to be extroverted, or a feeler, or a judger, as those seem to be the traits OTHER people want out of you. my grandparents always try to give me the guilt trip for not seeing them more often, but really, i don't have anything i really care to talk to them about. everytime i go there its the same conversation: "hows work?" "hows your girlfriend?" "hows so and so in the family?" "gas is 2 cents cheaper here then it is by where you live" "how about that weather?"

its not like i want to be a dick to them, but i don't really share any similar interests with them. maybe it sounds cold hearted, but i'd NEVER talk to people like that if i wasn't related to them.

 

[IfloatTHRUlife]

I dont feel obligated to talk to anyone so most of the time i dont. When i have to talk though, i try to be polite and avoid any possible conflict or variables resulting in me having to speak longer.

 

[hikky]

I hate smalltalk, but I always end up carrying it out to its fated end. It just becomes a situation of exchanging conversation, until the other person dwindles down and there's mutually nothing left to say. I can never force something interesting to talk about, it just doesn't work. Mainly because I have trouble finding much common ground with people, unless I'm lying, which I often end up doing.

 

[eudemonia]

hmmm....I've had many years to think and learn about this one. It was a revelation to me that small talk reassures people and helps them to feel comfortable with you (I am accepted, I am OK, this person likes me, can I trust this person not to hurt me etc). In other words it has a purpose; it's not meaningless. However, some people never progress beyond small talk - this may be due to a preference or it may be because they are insecure. So I now regard small talk as a skill that can be developed and I have developed it over the years (I am in my late 40's!). Then you have to decide with each encounter is it worth engaging in small talk? These are some of my criteria:

• does this person need uplifting or building up their self esteem (young girls who cut my hair in the hairdressers usually respond well to some pleasant conversation in which I compliment them and show an interest in them)
• do I care about this relationship; do I need to build trust with this person
• does the context require it - e.g. at cocktail parties you have to engage in a bit of small talk to find out if you have anything in common with the other person; cornering someone to talk about the meaning of life, is (unfortunately) not considered appropriate
• do I need to engage in small talk so as to not embarrass my kids or to help them in some way - kids hate it when their parents are regarded as weird. Also, if the parent is regarded as weird and aloof by the mums the child may be ostracised
• can I use this opportunity to develop my skill or to brush up on it

Going to the hairdressers - I usually respond initially to their small talk, make them feel valued and then bury my head in a book I have brought with me.

 

[grey matters]

Small talk, Ooh small talk, you just got to love it, (yes, I am being sarcastic). I still dont understand why people can be more concerned with the new pair of shoes they got on sale at some hoity toity store that I have never herd or cared about then the mysteries of the universe, yet it generates so much conversation!
When too much small talk is imposed on me I feel like my brain is begning to liquify and ooze out my ears.
Here's a survival tip: take the objective, scientific approach and treat the small talkers like objects for scientific study. Try to get into their head and understand how they tick or just look at them as a group and observe how they interact with one another. Engaging your brain in this manner will keep it from liquifying. Don't make it your primary objective to get them to engage in a deep intellectual conversation or try to get them to understand you. This will most likely end in frustration and a feeling of alination for you.

 

[Wisp]

You seem to hate shoes with a particular passion...

 

[ElectricWizard]

Small talk. It's boring. I don't mind chatting about shared interests and such, however, but otherwise, I don't see much of a point.

 

[grey matters]

Wisp
I own 5 pairs of shoes. One pair of high heels I wear once a year, under protest, two pairs of Crocs invarious stages of wear, one pair sneekers and one pair of sneekers I mow the lawn in. Who needs more than that? Emotions and shoes are a bad combination. Some people have a pair of shoes for every whim and desire. Feeling down? Buy a pair of shoes and feel good again. It makes no sense. Do you still think that emotions and shoes are a bad combination? How about Almelda Marcos: (excuse my spelling) she was a completely evil woman and owned something like 1000 shoes... there's a connection, I know there is.

 

[Friar Pug Rush]

I try really really hard to care, but always unintentionally give retarded answers that kind of sways the person the other way

Amen, brother.

 

[Chronomar]

I used to stare blankly, thinking about something else, and then, when I had thought of something I wanted to say to the person, I would just blurt it out (usually interupting them). Now, after being chastized multiple times by parents, elementary school teachers...etc, I have stopped doing that (as much), and now just listen to them without really listening, saying something vauge at long breaks in conversation.

 

[Jennywocky]

I actually used to despise small talk, it was just awful awful awful. Total tedium.

Now I actually enjoy it to some degree. I don't know what happened.

I guess part of it was moving from a completely abstracted life into one where I have been forced to engage and undergo many many experiences (that I can then discuss with people and find points of connection through). I also view it as a narrative -- I am learning someone else's life story and am analyzing them and looking for broad sweeping themes, conflicts, epic tales in their talking.

But sure, when all I'm getting is "The weather is cold" and "I dug out the tomatoes last night" and "Then I drove Sally to soccer practice" and get no context or larger framework for said details, I do go nutty. I have a few friends who send me e-mails that I find boring as hell because there seems to be no rhyme or reason to their details; it is pretty much just "inane puke in a bucket," everything jumbled up and no sense to it.

At that point, i do try to provide minimal response (so they know they were heard) but sort of excuse myself. Or I actively try to tie things together for them and see if they shift into that approach rather than just detail regurgitation.

 

[SafetyInNumbers]

I usually just try to redirect the conversation into areas more apealing to myself.

 

[Decaf]

I actually used to despise small talk, it was just awful awful awful. Total tedium.

Now I actually enjoy it to some degree. I don't know what happened.

Same here, though I run into problems when any small talk subject concludes, because I don't yet know how to plan ahead during the discussion in order to provide a seamless transition. I'm used to meaningful discussions where paying attention to what other person is saying is very important to what follows.

 

[nihilen.]

I usually just give a small uninteresting answer, and look the other way. Works.

Or it happened a couple of times I just say nothing back. Which is a lot more entertaining.

 

[Gorgrim]

Uhh, If small-talk is reassurance that you "accept" eachother, then I understand why people bother, and I wouldn't mind people liking me. I just avoid trivial things for the most part. If I can re-direct a topic onto something good, I do that.


I however take stuff out of topics and see what I can take of that for a new topic of conversation, but it's much slower than saying whatever comes to your mind. I end up thinking of a new topic alot, so might be pausing inbetween for a while.



Oh yes, small-talk. It's boring to hear about, but either I do it to encourage friends or other people who like to talk about more trivial things too, Or I do it in a hope of directing into something interesting for me, for a response.

Lastly, I try to think of ways to not listen and still make conversation in which I don't do the talking.... I don't really want to listen to it all, do I?!

 

[lemonsunite]

I hate small talk. I always do.

But if you have to deal with it, turn it into a social psychological-ish experiment. say something, see how they respond, if they start smiling more and being more open, continue with the topic. if they give short answers, change the topic, etc.

It makes small talk more fun.

 

[INTPINFP]

For example i was getting a haircut and i am stuck sitting on the chair, and it seems like they just don't know when to shut up. They just have to talk talk talk. i try and give them a hint by answering in short yes or no answers. (its a "friend of the family's" so i can't just out right ignore them or i wont hear the end of it from my parents how rude it is and blah blah blah, in other words more talking)

Do you just tell them straight up to STFU, or just get by as a minimalist in the conversation, or perhaps chat with them on the same level?

hmm this ones a bit tricky. what i like to do is change the subject. if you don't feel like any talk, hmm i dont know. what you want to do though is get them in an apathetic depressed state.

 

[severus]

An "apathetic depressed state"? I do hope this is not going to be another Thomas Young.
I am biased because of the sn, though.

 

[krisa]

small talk.. nightmare. I hate it when someone stops me in the middle of the street (after not seeing me for 4 years and never been close to me..) and asks "oh hi how are you, how's school, love, .... etc. etc." oh, PLEASE, just shut the f* up, I know you don't really care.. and what good does it make talking to me???? i just say "See you, must go, bye", but if it's inevitable, like onbus or something.. that's harder. if i'm in a really bad mood or pissed off I sometimes make some evil comments or something to make them stop talking.
it is horrible to talk to stupid/boring people.

 

[shaunjvallejo]

Probably one of the worst parts of my job......I HATE small talk. Probably the easiest way for me to cope is to ask lots of questions, pretty much on autopilot.

The worst part is knowing when the small talk is over. What do you say? I have the horrible habit of walking away when the conversation is over.

 

[Chimera]

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I've never been good at small talk, but I'm not really a talker anyway. I do like listening, however, and would most likely listen to anything as long as it held a small spark of interest for me. (Anything about clothing or appearances is NOT interesting, I'm sorry.)

For some reason, I'm apparently a "refreshing" person to talk to in rl. Somehow I pull people into in-depth "discussions" (though they're usually the ones doing the talking) or rants about their life. If they're having trouble with something, or feel a certain way about whatever, they like to tell me about it. All the while I listen, add a few words in here and there, ask some questions, nudge them into looking at the problem or event from a new perspective, etc. etc...

Usually I like to get adults talking like that, because their problems are so much more interesting than people my age. And I'm not going to lie...even though there are times when I honestly don't care about what the person is telling me, usually I'm curious about their life, even if I don't know them very well. But I'm naturally curious about most things; maybe that inspires them to talk, I don't know.

But really I don't have much experience with small talk, 'cause I'm always turning small talk into heavy talk which is, in my opinion, more interesting to listen to, and definitely involves a lot more listening on my part.
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[Jesin]

I'm always turning small talk into heavy talk

How?

 

[Chimera]

How?

_________
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I'm not really sure. It's a lot easier with people I know well; they know from experience that I'll listen to them. But getting people I don't know well/at all to talk like that usually involves being relaxed and open, and being able to project that feeling towards the other person through tone, expression, body language, et cetera. If people feel comfortable they're much more likely to open up, which means you have to make sure not to seem judgemental or condescending at all. After that it could take a few tries to find a topic that they could dig into further (usually something about the conversation changes, like their tone/expression/body language, when there's a topic that could be exploited.) And then once they touch on a "heavy" topic, I have to give the impression that I'm genuinely interested in what they're talking to me about, which isn't that hard. Just a few well-aimed questions, then all I have to do is sit back and listen.​

Sorry if that doesn't help much. It's as best as I can explain it; I don't think it's really something that has clear directions to follow... Basically it's reading the other person and guiding them into a conversation of their choice.
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[Zezon Vice]

For example i was getting a haircut and i am stuck sitting on the chair, and it seems like they just don't know when to shut up. They just have to talk talk talk. i try and give them a hint by answering in short yes or no answers. (its a "friend of the family's" so i can't just out right ignore them or i wont hear the end of it from my parents how rude it is and blah blah blah, in other words more talking)

Do you just tell them straight up to STFU, or just get by as a minimalist in the conversation, or perhaps chat with them on the same level?

I find it easy to ignore honestly, but in the same breath I prefer to listen to it because by how and what they say is conveyed it gives me an idea of who they are.

 

[Ermine]

_________

____________​

I've never been good at small talk, but I'm not really a talker anyway. I do like listening, however, and would most likely listen to anything as long as it held a small spark of interest for me. (Anything about clothing or appearances is NOT interesting, I'm sorry.)​

For some reason, I'm apparently a "refreshing" person to talk to in rl. Somehow I pull people into in-depth "discussions" (though they're usually the ones doing the talking) or rants about their life. If they're having trouble with something, or feel a certain way about whatever, they like to tell me about it. All the while I listen, add a few words in here and there, ask some questions, nudge them into looking at the problem or event from a new perspective, etc. etc... ​

Usually I like to get adults talking like that, because their problems are so much more interesting than people my age. And I'm not going to lie...even though there are times when I honestly don't care about what the person is telling me, usually I'm curious about their life, even if I don't know them very well. But I'm naturally curious about most things; maybe that inspires them to talk, I don't know.​

But really I don't have much experience with small talk, 'cause I'm always turning small talk into heavy talk which is, in my opinion, more interesting to listen to, and definitely involves a lot more listening on my part.
____________

_________​

I get that all the time. Whenever I'm mildly interested in what someone's saying, I can get them to talk to me about their personal lives for hours, and it usually turns into "heavy talk". I'd just like to know what it is about me that encourages them to do that. Is it my facial gestures? The nods? This could be a very useful skill if I could only identify what I'm doing.

 

[Sugarpop]

This forum is used for smalltalk quite often. Is that because the internet is a less personal form of encounter, or is there a special type of smalltalk that suits the INTP?

 

[dbtng_thomas]

I hate small talk too. I used to absolutely squirm under the demands of holding a conversation about inconsequential garbage. Like a couple of the other posters, I choose to actively do something when I'm cornered. My method is to seize control of the discussion by hitting on some aspect of their message and asking them about their feelings about it. This draws them out and gets them focused on delivering a specific idea; one that they care about. I guide the discussion to the closure of the idea, help them summarize, express my concern for their message, and then politely terminate the discussion. With some conversational partners, that may have been the most thinking they did all week, so they are generally both happy and glad to flee.

 

[didyouknow]

Use Bush's escape tactic: "I'd love to stay here all day but I've got to go to Vegas."