people dislike me in a way, that is very dangerous to me. they think little of my nature, my core. it bothers my sense of security.
they don't dislike my character, because i am gentle and harmless enough.
it's interesting how it goes apart: self-assessment and the perception others have of me, in this regard: from a behaviorists objective perspective, i don't make an effort to adapt, to be more like someone, who's nature is more appreciated, because, coincidentally, part of my nature is all about being authentic. i can do some self-censor-lies, and make heavy use of this, but i have nothing in me, that could possibly become creative about wearing a mask, being "someone" - according to their definition, of what it means to be someone.
so they say about schizoid people that they don't give a fuck about how they are perceived, and they say about me, that i am schizoid.
and i am mostly extremely scared of the stupidity of people's judgement.
but i can't do anything about their stupidity, can i?
i used to be strongly opposed the idea, that i might be schizoid, for a while. that's how much i cared about not being the one, people think of as having a defect in empathy (i am emotionally slow, but have above average theory of mind and very good visceral empathy (mirror neurons of perception) and all texts say, that schizoid people are usually very sensitive, but no one has read those texts, because people are too insensitive to take interest in psychology). but ultimately, i surrendered: the concept of being schizoid, albeit it has never been properly explained, endet up being more interesting to me, than my reputation.
