Finally did it...

[DIALECTIC]

One month ago, after many many months debating and because i was no longer stimulated / happy, i finally did it...

I've left my work (that paid good money for the very little i did but that was way too boring), my "adoptive" country for 17 years (i felt like i had nothing more to learn), my friends (i had isolated myself from as time went by i found we had less and less in common as the unsecruities / neurosis i shared with them pretty much all disappeared) and my ESFJ partner i had been with for nearly 11 years...
In the last 5 years, the poor girl lost her dad, then her mum... She slowly put on a lot of weight (courtesy of junk food, alcohol and total lack of activities), became extremely negative and as i had been negative myself all my life, she indirectly forced me to see in her what i had been like all along, therefore forcing me into the opposite positive direction and slowly pushing me away from her... As i was pushed away and driven to live more in my head / books / theories), she then started feeling lonely and regressed to an earlier stage of her personal evolution and as a result she started reassociating with her neurotic / loser / alcoholic / unhealthy friends from years ago, all being (surprise surprise) single !!! Neurotics attract neurotics...

Anyway, to keep the story as short as possible i am now basically back to square one at 39 years of age: without work (thank god i saved a lot of the money i earned in the last decade or so, but that won't last for ever), back in my home country i left when i was a very irrational angry and immature man, back at my parents, and last but no least without my partner... The idea of leaving her (we hadn't been getting along for the last few years as my consciousness matured quickly and therefore slowly ended my "Anima" projection onto her) was a lot easier to entertain than actualizing it. In the end, i left her but it was hard to do, i had to use "desperate measures" to trick myself into it so that i would be forced to go forward and prevented to go backwards as i did several times in the past before...

I didn't go backwards but i surely keep thinking backwards.

Do you have any tips on how to bring the total flow of my consciousness forward as i stumbled upon a picture of her about a week ago and ever since i keep thinking of the great times we had together and that she did indirectly help me bringing the best out of me... It's like there is a part of me that is still stuck in my past... Any idea ? Should i maybe get a new dog (my dog died in january) to help with my now unstimulated Fe ?

 

[ShameFace]

Congratulations.

I suggest a psychedelic experience like mushrooms.

 

[DIALECTIC]

Congratulations.

I suggest a psychedelic experience like mushrooms.

Did drugs (steroids, XTC, Coke) from age 25 til 36 or so... Drugs did help my personal evolution, they put me in touch with my (repressed) emotions, however i am now too scared to touch drugs again as in the end i kept taking bad turns. I did smoke dope once and i had a psychosis: time flow changed, i was hearing voices, i saw my own body like i was the observer... I couldn't take the risk with mushrooms... I do think i have latent schizophrenia...

 

[Absurdity]

Do you have any tips on how to bring the total flow of my consciousness forward as i stumbled upon a picture of her about a week ago and ever since i keep thinking of the great times we had together and that she did indirectly help me bringing the best out of me... It's like there is a part of me that is still stuck in my past... Any idea ? Should i maybe get a new dog (my dog died in january) to help with my now unstimulated Fe ?

Write it all down to get it out of your head.

 

[Duxwing]

Whenever nostalgia strikes, tell yourself, "Yes, I had good times, and I enjoyed those good times; however, those good times were based on a neurosis, and they ended before I left. I need to focus on the present lest it slip away from me" and then focus your mind on your new life: find work, find friends, find a home, find love. If you still cannot function--which you might, for each of us is different--then see a therapist.

I hope that you do well,
-Duxwing

 

[doncarlzone]

I'm not in a position to offer any advice but I have a lot of respect for your decision. It's so easy to get stuck in a job or life style which fit the values predefined by society and our ego, but perhaps not what we truly desire ourselves. What often keeps people from taking a risk is the idea of failure. True failure is to remain stuck.

Ouch, I think your post just got me thinking about aspects of my own life.

 

[Nick]

Such big moves in life!!

Would you say you're the type of person to let plans simmer on the backburner for a long time, and then whenever the moment presents itself to you, you unleash your fury all at once?

I kinda attribute myself to actions like that, wait...wait...think...plan...wait...wait...then...BOOM! everything at once, as long as I can keep the momentum moving.

 

[The Introvert]

Pray.

But seriously, take some time to relax and get your head straight. Start to build up the pieces, one at a time; look for a job (that you enjoy), meet some people, make a friend. You'll find that the more you get on and about, the more you'll have to do. It's a gradual process, but it needs to be so; jumping gaps and rushing through things causes you to make irrational decisions. Think things through, and enjoy your life.

 

[DIALECTIC]

Such big moves in life!!

Would you say you're the type of person to let plans simmer on the backburner for a long time, and then whenever the moment presents itself to you, you unleash your fury all at once?

I kinda attribute myself to actions like that, wait...wait...think...plan...wait...wait...then...BOOM! everything at once, as long as I can keep the momentum moving.

Exactly. I had it all planned in the 2 weeks prior to my scheduled departure. However because i was repressing my Fe the last few days before leaving were terrible, i couldn't look at my girlfriend in the eyes, i nearly cryed in front of her several times, because it has to be said that i left without warning / telling her as i didn't want to be influenced as my decision had been postponed so many many times before due to Fe dominating Ti. In fact in late April i had gotten a studio to move to but 2 days prior i just bottled it and i betrayed myself telling my partner about it, therefore i changed my mind... But this time something had to be done.

 

[DIALECTIC]

Thanks to all of you for your tips and kind words.

Duxwing, i am seeing my old psychotherapist on the 30th of August.

I realized that unsecurities / neurosis are the ego / psyche's way to protect itself, however once the neurosis disappear it's a bit like coming out of Plato's cave, you try and convince your old companions you used to be chained with about how much better / easier life is / can be but none of them have time for you anymore as they think you are the weirdo as their projections seem so real...

It's a bit like tasting the forbidden fruit of knowledge, once you know too much you get isolated and there is no turning back to unconsciousness... Then i am not too sure if you isolate yourself or others isolate themselves from you, or maybe a bit of both...

The problem however is with the loss of neurosis one becomes a lot more vulnerable as once cannot blame others for one's failures in life and therefore there's a lot less aggression in you to face the world even though it doesn't look as menacing as it used to look when one is neurotic...

 

[The Introvert]

It's a bit like tasting the forbidden fruit of knowledge, once you know too much you get isolated and there is no turning back to unconsciousness... Then i am not too sure if you isolate yourself or others isolate themselves from you, or maybe a bit of both...

The problem however is with the loss of neurosis one becomes a lot more vulnerable as once cannot blame others for one's failures in life and therefore there's a lot less aggression in you to face the world even though it doesn't look as menacing as it used to look when one is neurotic...

This is quite wise. Others, read this through a few times. Always make sure to check yourself in the mirror, to keep track of progress. Sometimes we can slip into something before we know it, and end up somewhere we weren't intending on being.