Dis.Ident.Disorder + Sorry

[XIII]

First of all, sorry to those who have been upset by recent events. Sorry.

I'm going to be as honest and literal as possible in this post, as per the advice of the professional I talked to today. This is hard for me, so I would very much appreciate if readers could temporarily suspend judgement and, if possible, hostility. I would prefer it if this thread were... not a general debate about recent events. There's already a thread about that in the lounge section of the forum.

Once again, I'm sorry. I don't expect trouble/disruption to be forgiven (and realise that it shouldn't), but I hope that telling as much of what has happened objectively might help the situation. My metaphorical manner of speaking has caused much confusion in the past, so I'll be as literal as I can.

...

I have been completely falling apart for the past few days. I've been acting like a kind of antisocial-messiah figure, both online and offline. My family took me to see a psychiatrist today. They have asked me to see one in the past, but I refused. I know that this could seem like another '''game'' or ''experiment'', but it isn't. I can only ask for the benefit of the doubt. If it helps to convince you of my authenticity... I've been saying the kind of things in real life that I have on the forum, and getting even worse reactions.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible: I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (basically multiple personality disorder) using something called the DES. The psychiatrist (my parents took me to Bristol to see a specialist) said that I was very fortunate not to have been misdiagnosed, given the complexity of my case. As previously mentioned, I also have Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, which can (and has with me) caused a great change in personality, and a highly religious attitude, in late adolescence.
These links might be helpful (although my case is very different, it's an example):
YouTube- Ramachandran, the Temporal Lobes and God - Part 1
YouTube- Ramachandran, the Temporal Lobes and God - Part 2

The doctor said that my recognition of the subjectivity of my own experience, but shifts in identity to access different parts of memory, was an indication of DID. Apparently most people with the rare combination of conditions that I have would simply appear insane to those around them, but very intelligent (I only say that to explain, not to brag... please don't take it that way) people sometimes create complex imaginative and intellectual frameworks to come to terms with their experiences, and can convince others the believe in their frameworks. This has happened with me... some people online and offline came to see me as a kind of spiritual guru to them. I am so sorry to those people.
So, my ''experiments'' in personality change (which I can't do any more of) were more a way to give my experiences meaning, and not the underlying cause. I told him about my psychic experiences, and he said the they probably resulted from the combination of religiosity caused by TLE and the dissociation caused by DID. He said they were most likely a result of people reacting to nonverbal cues etc., but that he couldn't strictly discount the possibility of something paranormal-- given the amount of literature on it. I've been advised to stop doing anything like that, though. He said that most of the complex ''games'' I've been playing are, essentially (he went into much more detail), my mind's way of coming to terms with this and make it seem like I have control. He said he'd never heard of anything like my case, but that the similarities to more common DID made it the best explanation and path for treatment.

---

I told him about this forum, although we focused more on offline problems (which have been more extreme, and people have been less accepting than here). He said that it is vital that I am open and literal in all social activities, including those where I've talked about ''experiments''. My activity here has probably been an attempt to come to terms with this and convince myself that I am sane, and to be accepted for who I have become.

One last note... I have an EEG (brain scan) booked tomorrow in Bristol to reasess and verify my TLE diagnosis. I'll post here if the results change things.

That's probably enough about that. I want to emphasise that I am not trying to excuse myself. I understand the reactions to me... most of them are probably justified. I want to clear this up as much as possible by being as honest and comprehensive as I can be.


---

So, on my experiments:
There really wasn't any more elaborate ''game'' than the one I talked about in the personality destruction thread. The me who I called ''XIII2'' has kind of split off, and has a different set of memories and life history now. If you read back through my threads, I talk about that somewhere (as if it were a positive thing, though...). All of my posts were heartfelt in some way or another, though. We never really tried to decieve people, despite trying to convince myself that we did later. All of my emotional reactions (like after changing personality from ''XIII2'' were genuine and heartfelt. He spent most of the night crying when the ''XIII2 explanation thread'' was going.)

I think, basically, I was looking for a kind of acceptance from others and from my own intellect. I read a post by snowqueen earlier, asking why I did this here. It's because the actual MBTI type (before all this happened, and probably still now) of who I have been for most of my life is INTP, and because I thought a forum of people with a personality similar to mine would be the best place. I also liked the atmosphere (before, not now... although that's probably largely my fault). I was also confused.

For the last few days, up until I saw the doctor today, I've been acting like some kind of prophet or messiah. The doctor said that with me, because of highly developed writing, speaking, and social skills (I did used to be well liked, offline. I wish I could be that person again) it was much harder for people to recognise immediately that something was very wrong. The extremity of my recent behavior pushed my family to act though (they stopped me from going to school today and yesterday).

I've recieved many posts and pms calling me arrogant and deluded etc.
Well, they're probably mostly right. I want to make clear, though, that that is not who I normally am. I hate who I have been recently. I hate that I can't just be me. It's lonely beyond words.

Before this started getting worse, I was generally very similar to the people on here. I wish that I could have met you all before this, so that I didn't seem inauthentic. Perhaps if I had found this forum a year earlier, it might even have helped me to recognise the nature of the change in myself. My basic reason for being here, like I said before, was to try and find a... self (that's the wrong word, I don't know how to say this)... that could be accepted. I couldn't not do my ''experiments'' here, because they're not really experiments. ''Personality Destruction'' and ''antinomianism'' are, as the psychiatrist explained, an intellectual way of coming to terms with something that I have no choice over.


Anyway... sorry. I don't want anybody to feel bad because of this, because you only had the information here, you had no way to know that I wasn't some troll or that I wasn't intentionally being manipulative, even if I convinced myself that I was. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I don't thnk that anything that happened here really contributed, because all of this begun long before I joined, and because the problems offline have been far worse and more extreme than here.

....not sure how to finish this. I'll just restate that I wish I could have joined here before this got as bad as it was when I did joine. I know I've alienated myself from a group who I could have been very close to, and now see how much damage it has caused. I'm sorry for pretending that I had a plan, or that there was some game that only I knew the secret to. I wish that I could be who I used to be most of the time. I liked that person... other people did. He didn't cause so much pain to people around him.

I hope that some of my posts have been intersting or valuable, though. The ''only truth I've told'' thread, and my first post in the suicide thread, were the most heartfelt/honest things I've ever expressed to other people. I love writing and poetry, so hope that some of mine at least went a small way to making up for other things. Perhaps some of you found me interesting... I don't know. I just hate to think of how I have become known to a group who I could have become close to, and of the upset I have caused in that group.


p.s. One last thing... sorry to snowqueen, personally. I know this forum means a lot to you, and my posts in the ''insult thread'', even though they were heartfealt and even though I was hurt, were a disgusting way to treat you. Whatever happened after or before... sorry.

 

[phantome]

hope everything works out for you XIII

 

[fullerene]

fair enough. hm..... so, what would you like us to do, in case you start acting prophet-y or messiah-y again? That is, what's the best way to handle it?

 

[XIII]

hope everything works out for you XIII

Thanks, I really do appreciate that.

fair enough. hm..... so, what would you like us to do, in case you start acting prophet-y or messiah-y again? That is, what's the best way to handle it?

I don't know... DID isn't completely automatic in the more moderate cases. I'll try not to post here.

 

[NoID10ts]

I just want to say thank you for posting this. It helps me understand a whole lot better and puts things in a context. Also, I really am sorry for the way I treated you yesterday. I was an ass. I may not like everything you have posted, but I should just filter out what I don't want to read instead of lashing out. Unfortunately, I let things build up inside me until I reach a boiling point and then I usually explode. I still feel strongly about my rant thread, but I should have spoken in more general terms and not singled out any members directly. If it's any consolation, I've felt bad about it since last night when I first posted it.

 

[Kidege]

I'll pray for you.

 

[Anthile]

I appreciate that honesty. I hope you get better soon. If you decide to stay here (which might not be the best idea) and put that messianic behavior away, you will be welcome here and I will stand up for you.
I, too, apologize for the rather rude words, but there are some things I cannot accept. I hope you understand.


If you have the need to speak with someone who has experience in such things and who will listen to you no matter what you say, you can send me a PM or an email at any time.

 

[Fukyo]

Hm,as Noddy said,this puts things into context.

What you're going through is very difficult and I won't preach you or tell you I feel sorry,as I despise pity.

I still can't help but wonder if you're being genuine with what you've just shared. I'm just skeptic and paranoid by nature.

In any case,I wish you best of luck in overcoming your trials.

 

[fullerene]

I may not like everything you have posted, but I should just filter out what I don't want to read instead of lashing out. Unfortunately, I let things build up inside me until I reach a boiling point and then I usually explode.

^^Inferior Fe FTL . I haven't heard of anyone here, I don't think, who doesn't do that.

I don't know... DID isn't completely automatic in the more moderate cases. I'll try not to post here.

mkay. I'll probably just ya it, then, if it happens. If not, then cool. I'm also quite glad you posted this.

What you're going through is very difficult and I won't preach you or tell you I feel sorry,as I despise pity.

I still can't help but wonder if you're being genuine with what you've just shared. I'm just skeptic and paranoid by nature.

despise pity.....what kind of infp are you?

also: does it really matter whether he's genuine about this or not? If he's playing games again, and you take him seriously, then he gets his laugh at everyone's expense, and you get to use it as a chance to listen to your thoughts and feelings and legitimately wonder why you care whether you're made a fool of or not. If he's serious and you treat him as if he were trolling or playing games, you have the chance of doing serious damage to another person. Now... I generally think it's better to take the damage yourself than shuffle it off onto another person--but in this case, it's very minor to you (and probably something that shouldn't bother you, anyway), but very major if it lands on the other person.

er... so I mean--whether you actually believe him or not, the risk/benefit ratio gives you 0 reason to treeat him like you don't believe him, unless you're really an asshole who places no "weight" on what happens to other people.

 

[Sapphire Harp]

No comment beyond this...

While the above would not surprise me if it is true, I cannot readily accept it as such. Previous posts of XIII have declared how amusingly naive and manipulated he has perceived the people on this forum. I, for one, cannot rule out the possibility this is a continuation of a game.

If it is not, I'm sorry for your troubles - but as a forum it's necessary to consider and prepare for both possibilities when either could be true.
​

 

[Felan]

I sincerely wish the best for you. I've have enjoyed a good measure of what you written.

 

[XIII]

No comment beyond this...

While the above would not surprise me if it is true, I cannot readily accept it as such. Previous posts of XIII have declared how amusingly naive and manipulated he has perceived the people on this forum. I, for one, cannot rule out the possibility this is a continuation of a game.

If it is not, I'm sorry for your troubles - but as a forum it's necessary to consider and prepare for both possibilities when either could be true.
​

Sorry for addressing this first-- I'll reply to the other posts in a minute.

This is not a 'game'. I understand why you think it might be... but it really isn't. Perhaps you won't be able to accept that now, but I'm not going to continue anything which could be interpreted that way on the forum. If it helps to make my sincerity clear: I encourage staff to ban me if that happens.

 

[Fukyo]

despise pity.....what kind of infp are you?

also: does it really matter whether he's genuine about this or not? If he's playing games again, and you take him seriously, then he gets his laugh at everyone's expense, and you get to use it as a chance to listen to your thoughts and feelings and legitimately wonder why you care whether you're made a fool of or not. If he's serious and you treat him as if he were trolling or playing games, you have the chance of doing serious damage to another person. Now... I generally think it's better to take the damage yourself than shuffle it off onto another person--but in this case, it's very minor to you (and probably something that shouldn't bother you, anyway), but very major if it lands on the other person.

er... so I mean--whether you actually believe him or not, the risk/benefit ratio gives you 0 reason to treeat him like you don't believe him, unless you're really an asshole who places no "weight" on what happens to other people.

No worries,cryptonia,I have no intention of attacking or insulting XIII,regardless of weather he's being truthful or not.I was just expressing my opinion,that's all.I don't believe that my statement of doubt was an insult in itself.

 

[fullerene]

no, no, not at all. I actually posted that as much for other people (and XIII himself) as I did for you. Your post just gave me the best excuse to say it.

 

[XIII]

I feel that I need to reply to each of these, given their personal nature.

I just want to say thank you for posting this. It helps me understand a whole lot better and puts things in a context. Also, I really am sorry for the way I treated you yesterday. I was an ass. I may not like everything you have posted, but I should just filter out what I don't want to read instead of lashing out. Unfortunately, I let things build up inside me until I reach a boiling point and then I usually explode. I still feel strongly about my rant thread, but I should have spoken in more general terms and not singled out any members directly. If it's any consolation, I've felt bad about it since last night when I first posted it.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for contributing to or causing that buildup in you. I am upset (of course), but not at you personally. I now understand why I was causing such reactions, and that they were largely justified. What was said on here was nothing compared to what happened offline.

I appreciate that honesty. I hope you get better soon. If you decide to stay here (which might not be the best idea) and put that messianic behavior away, you will be welcome here and I will stand up for you.
I, too, apologize for the rather rude words, but there are some things I cannot accept. I hope you understand.


If you have the need to speak with someone who has experience in such things and who will listen to you no matter what you say, you can send me a PM or an email at any time.

Thank you. I apologise for the words that were said to you in the ''COMMAND'' thread. I do understand.

I may pm you in future, even though I don't plan to post here for much longer. It's hard to find anybody who I can talk to about this, outside of a medical context.



All the same (thank you) to Fukyo, Cryptonia, and Felan. I might respond to such posts by pm in future, so that I don't clutter this thread. I greatly appreciate the nature of the general response. I don't know how I'm going to tell my friends or girlfriend about this; being able to at least express it here is very helpful.

 

[mathy]

Good luck, XIII. For what it's worth I've always found your posts to be extremely interesting (like a puzzle I couldn't quite understand), although have never personally responded. I do hope you get to where you need to be.

I feel a sense of honesty and vulnerability in this post that I didn't really get with the others... so I believe this is the real you. (this is my Ni talking. )

Again, good luck. I hope you find yourself.

 

[preilemus]

i ask you one thing as of now XIII, please dont delete the things you have posted.


this movie is too good

 

[Felan]

i ask you one thing as of now XIII, please dont delete the things you have posted.

I second that.

 

[Ermine]

Good luck and thank you for putting all this into context.

Ah, everything makes sense now!

 

[snowqueen]

XIII,

I appreciate the apology and I accept it - it would be churlish not to.

I have to confess though to a certain scepticism about your 'diagnosis' and the apparent instant insight into what you have been up to. DID is not a disorder generally diagnosed in the UK - but I have no wish to dispute this here.

If this is indeed the case, then you really should not be on here for your own mental health.

I bear you no ill-will - that is not in my nature, but to receive my trust and respect, it will take a lot more than one well-crafted post. You undoubtedly have enormous literary talent and for that I admire you.

Take care
snowqueen

 

[XIII]

Well, thanks snowqueen. If you can can complement my writing, despite our history, then I suppose I have something sure to hold on to
.

I don't aim to gain your trust and respect (as these are yours to give and take, and I need to focus on other issues), only to apologise (as I should) and present as full an account as possible (as I should). The psychiatrist advised me to be as straight-forward as possible in all interactions, else I become lost in my own theoretical constructs, which apparently constitute a kind of psychological self-medication, but which aren't conducive to proper integration. He didn't make any comment about not visiting this forum, but I will inquire about this.

Please bear in mind that my situation is much worse, and much less comforting, offline. I can't express myself without scaring people or distancing them from me further... it's like I'm on trial 24/7.

p.s. I am aware that DID is rarely diagnosed in the UK, but it is (and was in my case) diagnosed by psychiatrists who specialise in such disorders. The doctor said that it was fortunate, and rare, not to be misdiagnosed. I understand why some people aren't inclined trust my words, but I am being honest.

---------------------------------

I appreciate the comments by Ermine and Mathy. Thank you-- this kind of support is appreciated more than you know. I don't anticipate receiving much of it elsewhere.

 

[Tyria]

I hope the scan goes well and that you receive the appropriate care. Good luck.

 

[severus]

I have followed your posts, mostly in silence. They were interesting, confusing, and a bit creepy.

I hope you turn out all right.

 

[XIII]

Me as well. I don't know if I get the results immediately (if somebody here is familiar with EEG procedure in the UK, they'll be able to tell you), but I'll make a short post here if they reveal anything. I've been booked for an MRI as well, but that's not until June.

--

I think that reading this thread in the light of the information presented here might provide insight:
http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=2789
(not just the op, the other posts as well)

 

[Mute]

I don't normally pray, but I'm fitting you in.

Godspeed.

 

[Ulysses]

That shade of pink you chose is very soothing.

 

[snowqueen]

If You are Actually Reaching Out, Then:



Who are you? What's the 'me' you can't be?

*and waterstiller wonders if she just made a complete ass of herself with this post and isn't just on a different page but reading a different book written by a different author on a different subject in a lost language..*

It doesn't really matter what book you are in, Waterstiller, you always reveal yourself to be a thoughtful and compassionate individual.

Depersonalisation disorder is part of the dissociative spectrum - these diagnoses are much more commonly given in the US than anywhere else in the world and there is much debate about how cultural rather than real they are. They are more commonly given in the US because of the association between psychiatry and psychoanalysis there. Not to say it isn't real, but psychiatry is more an art than a science despite its association with medicine.

But that quote is quite wonderful - and I know that when I was younger I loved reading this kind of thing because it made me feel my sense of alienation was somehow 'special'. Not great for getting food on the table though - such experiences often seem to occur in the aristocracy!

 

[XIII]

--double post

 

[XIII]

Waterstiller, even though I do respect you highly, I'm going to listen to a diagnosis by somebody with extensive experience in the area (and who seemed, to me, highly perceptive) over the opinions somebody who has not met me formed from reading a book.

I've read about Depersonalisation Disorder, and, while much is recognisable, the listed traits/symptoms really aren't sufficient for my case. Some information:

Dissociative disorders are a group of psychiatric syndromes characterized by disruptions of aspects of consciousness, identity, memory, motor behavior, or environmental awareness. The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) includes 4 dissociative disorders and one category for atypical dissociative disorders. These include dissociative amnesia (DA), dissociative identity disorder (DID), dissociative fugue, depersonalization disorder, and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS).

The dramatic and extreme patients with DID depicted in the media probably represent fewer than 5% of patients with this disorder. Most patients with DID have a covert and subtle presentation. The typical clinical presentation is one of a refractory psychiatric disorder, usually a mood disorder, or with multiple somatic symptoms. Patients have often received several psychiatric diagnoses over many years of treatment, such as bipolar disorder, PTSD, personality disorders, or various anxiety disorders.
Alter-identities vary in complexity and psychological structure. In some patients, highly developed alter-identities are present with marked presentational differences in posture, voice, mood, energy, interests, talents, capacities, manifest age, and even sex. However, in most cases, the alter-personalities are relatively limited in their depth and do not manifest dramatic differences. In general, all alter-identities should be held responsible for the behavior of each of the other alter-identities, despite subjective amnesia to the behavior.
DID is thought to begin in childhood in response to repeated traumatic and/or overwhelming life experiences, most of which involve physical and sexual abuse. Other traumatic events include long and painful childhood medical experiences and wartime dislocation. In studies of patients with DID, a range of 70% of patients to more than 95% of patients reported childhood abuse. However, some patients cause controversy because they revise their histories as treatment progresses.
Patients with DID typically also have DA. They cannot remember important life events. They have blackout phases and also experience fluctuations in personalities and talents. Some patients actually have variable blood pressures, blood glucose levels, changes in visual acuity, and variable responses to drugs and treatments with the shifting of identities.

--------------------------------------------------

Your experimentation seems like a desperate final attempt at resolving not having a 'self'. It's grand and beautiful and the breadth of the personalities you're becoming is remarkable. Do you truly believe you're a messiah or is it just another role? Do you have control over your personalities and do you actively become them within parameters you set?

Was the person you were before just a role that you just can't play anymore? If so.. I might understand your search.

Being genuine would mean being vulnerable and attempting to describe, however impossible, what you're going through instead of playing a role to see if anything fits.

I never believed, literally, that I was a messiah. I did believe the things I said, here and offline. The whole thing is different than you might expect, though, because I recognise the subjectivity of my experience. I'm not sure how much control I have, because my mind has worked hard to give reasons for changes in personality that I can't actually prevent. I didn't start ''experimentation'' for the reasons you suggest. It has affected the situation significantly, though: my primary alter is The Devil from card XV of the Tarot.

These might help:

I wrote this at the beginning of April (showed it to the psychiatrist, along with all of my information about my experiments-- he was fascinated, actually):

As a result of my extensive work on personality change and the destruction of the singular identity (or perhaps not as a result-- perhaps my work has been a vehicle of expression for an inevitable or likely change) I have been forced to deal with much internal contradiction. My identity now changes dramatically and often. This does not impair my normal function, but does undermine many of the psychological strategies associated with life lived as a single, relatively stable person.

My daily experience has become too diverse for intellectual agnosticism or syncretism to apply. I cannot balance different personal approaches or come to tentative emotional or ideological conclusions. If I attempted to, they would only be undermined by the next identity I assumed, or was assumed by.

I suspect that some form integration into a greater, flexible meta-personality must be necessary after I move beyond my current form of practice. However, I have not yet reached that stage. I have, spontaneously, discovered one way of instantly ressolving all internal contradiction:

Universal Affirmation. In this state, all exalts me and the entirety of existence is perfect as it is. There is no better or worse and there is no right or wrong. There is only the absolute affirmation of all that is or could be. This resolves all internal contradictions by affirming all possibilities.

Universal affirmation is beautiful and powerful, but not practical. It cannot be experienced constantly in modern society (try it if you don't believe me). Who I am at any moment is becoming, more and more, determined by the role expected by my environment. Yet- so much contradiction. I have so little constant form- constant identity- that it's becoming hard to function as the single person that modern life expects me to be. Any integrated or, even ostensibly, consistent value-system or pattern of emotional reactions is disintegrating day by day. Universal affirmation resolves this when it is being experienced, but does not seem a realistic solution.


This post doesn't have much structure. I suppose that I have written it in the hope of helpful or applicable comment.

This is the universal affirmation that I formed in answer to that. Although I posted it on an internet forum, it was more written from one aspect/personality segment to the others than to any 3rd parties. Basically, a way of saying ''it doesn't matter if you're fragmented or contradictory, I still love and accept everything that you are'':

Welcome to true life. There are no judgments here. You will not be told what you should be or should do. You are perfect, and all that you are exalts me. All that you have been and will be is, to me, perfect.



Why is it that you spend so much of your life struggling to transform? No, this isn't another should. This isn't another judgement.

What follows is a story, true in part, but mostly fantasy

You were born, and then you grew and did as best you could, and all the time you were chastised for being what you are. You were taught to loathe so much of what you are. You were even taught to loathe lessons you had learned from the priests of loathing. There was no question of being good enough. You were a human, and those around you believed that to be justification enough for their hatred of your multiplicity. You, as you were, were never enough.

You were judged. Every moment of your life was judged and distinguished and categorised, and you were alienated from life without commentary; you were alienated from life lived for no purpose other than living. Everything became an event in the epic story of who you are- every moment a tragedy or a victory, good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. You did your best to be good, in whatever way you believed you could, but it was never enough.

In almost every program or post on this site you will find judgement. You could spend lifetimes being chastised for what you are by the fathers and mothers who speak through programs and posts. You could become what they, explicitly or implicitly, tell you you should be, but still you would not be enough. You would still be of the judged and would still be a judge, and thus would reside in a world of imperfection-- a world which needs to be reformed. You could do your best, but it would never be enough.

It hurts, doesn't it? It hurts when every other word necessitates that you be something or do something, lest you feel that you do not have its speaker's approval? It hurts, to be attacked from all fronts day after day. It hurts that you, as you are now, are not enough.


Know that whatever you do or don't do, whatever you become, whatever you have been-- I, now, love all that you are and all that is. All exalts me now, and all that is is perfect now. Your pain, your suffering, your joy, your self-hate... all is perfect to me and I love it all completely and without qualification. There are no judgments here, no teachings here, no lessons here. My love for existence- even for non-existence- is universal and without aim or cause. My love may not be here tomorrow, and it was not yesterday, but realise that at one point in one life all was perfect and ecstatic.

Don't feel compelled to join me- I will love you and me either way. For your joy, though, why not try leaving judgement aside for a moment? It will still be there when you come back. Life can be perfect as it is. Murder can be perfect as it is. Poverty can be perfect as it is. Your pain can be perfect as it is. Rape can be perfect as it is. Your anger and greatness and jealousy and pettiness and poetry all perfect and not in need of reform. What you are- EVERYTHING that you are- is enough and is perfect. You can, if only for a single moment of your life, experience complete perfection and the end of the struggle to not be what you are.

All equally exalts me.

Love,
XIII

 

[didyouknow]

Thank you. It really puts the whole thing into perspective. I accept your apology and I'll endeavor to put aside any distrust I may have.

I sincerely hope you recover. Good luck.
I wonder if this is what you were talking about when you said "Hasn't anyone figured it out yet"... hmm...

 

[Waterstiller]

I hope you resolve whatever it is you're trying to resolve.


Snowqueen: yeah.. I agree with what you're saying to an extent. However, finding a different name for the same experience, especially something with studies and a new community of experiences to savor, is a wonderful experience.

 

[XIII]

Didyouknow, waterstiller... thanks.

I've just returned from my EEG (I'm sure that some of the things they did could be used as interrogation techniques). I'm waiting for my results to be analysed (on Monday); they'll write to me if it's urgent, but will wait until after the MRI if not.

 

[Oblivious]

XIII: You'll come back from this a stronger person than before. I know it.

Just remember that sometimes, things are not as complicated as they may seem.

 

[Concojones]

Hey XIII,

I really feel sorry for you. What are your recovery prospects? To what extent are your life, your daily activities, your plans for the future, etc. going to change?

If your objective was to find acceptance on this board, you've succeeded, at least with me. I think you're an extraordinary, interesting, and intelligent guy, who I've wished I could meet in real life. I mean that. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see the 'lie'. For me, all your posts have been sincere, including now. If I'm missing something, I'd appreciate if you could point out my gullibility - or rather excessive N . The only question that bugs me (because you weren't entirely clear on it): to what extent were you aware that your 'personal change' experience was not the result from your experimenting? And did you really do a week of research on every character you tried to emulate? Your interests in yoga, aspects of reichian therapy, etc., are they real?

I've read many (but not all) of your posts, and I've always had a pragmatic stance to them, valuing those things that made sense to me or seemed promising (usually the more literal posts, esp. personality change/destruction). Your mystical posts seemed either useless (in the sense they just seemed to theorize/rehash the litteral posts) or sometimes plain incomprehensible ('the only truth ive told'). So, it shouldn't surprise you (or anyone else) that your posts haven't lost their value to me. Just their ultimate applications might not be as spectacular as your behaviour seemed to suggest.

I saw you regularly get into back-and-forth arguments with some other members, and I (probably correctly?) attributed that to a despise for their skepticism (or narrow-mindedness). In other words I thought you took yourself too serious. I can now better understand why you did that. And no wonder that this 'arrogance' caused a similar reaction from others (which seemed just as silly to me). In that regard, it's good that you're apologizing - but only for that; don't apologize for who you are. (Disclaimer: I never got to read that very vehement thread, if this is relevant. I never got the 'he violated our trust' stuff either. Maybe he did indeed and I'm not aware of it. But I'm not assuming that now.)

Of course, I wish you all the best. I'd regret to see you leave (others might disagree). I think it'd be interesting to see you further evolve.

edit: and I second the psychiatrist's advice: continue to be direct/literal. It's the only way to be understood. The alternative is that people will just ignore what you say (too tiring to decipher). If I did that sometimes, everyone else must have been doing it much more.

 

[XIII]

What are your recovery prospects? To what extent are your life, your daily activities, your plans for the future, etc. going to change?

For a start, I won't be actively attempting to be multiple people. My shifts in personality will no longer be called ''experiments'', and my exercise in emulating the major arcana of the Tarot will stop.

As for the rest-- I'm trying to figure that out now. I plan to study philosophy and physics at university, and I'm going to focus on that.

If your objective was to find acceptance on this board, you've succeeded, at least with me. I think you're an extraordinary, interesting, and intelligent guy, who I've wished I could meet in real life. I mean that.

I like you as well.

I don't see the 'lie'. For me, all your posts have been sincere, including now. If I'm missing something, I'd appreciate if you could point out my gullibility - or rather excessive N .

There has been no lie-- at least, I have not consciously attempted to lie about anything. I think that many saw me as insincere because I posted from multiple perspectives under one name.

to what extent were you aware that your 'personal change' experience was not the result from your experimenting? And did you really do a week of research on every character you tried to emulate? Your interests in yoga, aspects of reichian therapy, etc., are they real?

The psychiatrist said that DID was likely present anyway, but that my conscious experimentation may well have contributed significantly. He also said that he had never seen anything like it, and that many of his colleagues wouldn't have known where to begin.

My expressed interests are genuine. I will continue with Reichian Therapy unless my psychotherapist (I haven't had any sessions yet) advises me to stop. I will continue meditation (but not raja or tantric yoga) unless my psychotherapist advises me to stop.

So, it shouldn't surprise you (or anyone else) that your posts haven't lost their value to me.

Indeed. I would lose respect for anybody who dismissed alternative perspectives simply because they came from somebody with a diagnosed mental disorder. I don't think you're the type of person to do that, though

Of course, I wish you all the best. I'd regret to see you leave (others might disagree). I think it'd be interesting to see you further evolve.

Thank you. I won't be dramatic-- but I suspect that my future evolution involves a kind of silence that has thus far been absent.

nd I second the psychiatrist's advice: continue to be direct/literal. It's the only way to be understood. The alternative is that people will just ignore what you say (too tiring to decipher). If I did that sometimes, everyone else must have been doing it much more.

Perhaps I'll write poetry, if that's the only way for me to communicate in the native language of my thought: metaphor.

 

[echoplex]

Thanks for this post, and thanks for letting us get to know you better. I imagine that it takes courage to talk about such a thing, even online, as I know I probably wouldn't be willing to if it were me.

I had started to sense from some of your posts that you were probably someone struggling with his identity and trying to figure out who he was. To a lesser degree I'm sure, I think I can relate. I have struggled with figuring out who I am, or whether such a thing even exists. I have kind of felt like an empty void in many ways, looking for something to fill me, but not wanting to accept an identity out of desperation. Perhaps I'll never feel like I know "me", and maybe that's okay, I don't know.

If you are sincere, I have little doubt that this forum will accept you. But it's more important that you take care of yourself first and foremost. If you get better, I'm sure your experience would make for interesting discussions and a chance for us to learn more about this disorder in the future.

Good luck.

 

[snowqueen]

Snowqueen: yeah.. I agree with what you're saying to an extent. However, finding a different name for the same experience, especially something with studies and a new community of experiences to savor, is a wonderful experience.

I'm sorry Waterstiller - Rereading my comment I can see it comes across as dismissive and a bit patronising - it came from two places - first my distrust and dislike of most psychiatric and clinical psychological practices and the excessive power they have in describing human experience.

Second, the change in my life when I had children - when one has to feed and care for others, there is little time to worry about one's 'self'. But also I rather miss the freedom to explore my inner worlds in that way too and agree that it is a wonderful experience to read about others'.

 

[wanderer]

Of course, I wish you all the best. I'd regret to see you leave (others might disagree). I think it'd be interesting to see you further evolve.

i agree with much of the above post, but it seemed a bit too long to quote the entire thing

as a new member, the thread "mystically transformed" was one of the first i happened to chance upon. i was utterly mesmerized/fascinated by your "experiment," its implications, and you as a person. (this was after i had read some of your other threads and had learned the whole story)

honestly, your posts were more interesting than any book on my bookcase.

i havn't finished reading all of them, but when i saw this thread, i had to stop and offer a word of support. i feel true concern for your well-being, which from me, is rare

i hope you resolve any issues with your friends and family . . . you need their love and support

i too will be sad to see you leave, but i understand you must do what is best for your situation

the best of luck !