Why I am not here (but through a chain of strange events am)

[Anthile]

Maybe some of you asked why I haven't been here in a while I can now answer this question. In the night from the 2nd to the 3th of September I suffered a severe mental breakdown. As I said in the Depression Club about a week ago, my father went angry at me again about nothing really and I felt that I had to defend myself with a knife. I didn't attack him and hid myself in my room. He then called the police which came with a full special police squad. Later I was told that they blocked the streets in a radius of 2km. I seem to be quite a dangerous person for some reason. After I was brought to the Federal Hospital for Psychological Diseases in Dortmund-Applerbeck I felt like I melted. I felt that something was burning away from me. I feel a bit better now. I got lots of medicine during the first days but now I only get pills before I go to sleep. I don't know. I feel like a snake. Or a snake. My whole life seems to be steady metamorphosis. Leaving skin after skin behind. Will my next form be stronger? It has to be, otherwise the whole process would be a waste of time.
Before you ask why am I here when I feel that bad I can answer that question. This hospital is so big, they have their own library with free internet access. This doesn't seem very popular because I saw no one else but me using this offer.
Behind this monitor there is a large window and beyond this window there is a vast park. The weather is very nice here - for normal people. There are a lot of people there - not normal. I spend most of my time with reading. Frisch and Doystoyeski.All sorts of insane fellows run around here, most of them drugged into mundane deliverance. There are allways four people on one room. One is there because of heavy drug abuse, the other one thinks that any secret service planted wiretaps under his skin and teeth and then there is the 4th one. It's an old man but I only see him at nighttime when I wake up during my sleep. I never spoke with anyone about him because he might be a product of my imagination. This place is ripe with those people. They're too strange to make them up. Like there is one guy who thinks that his lower jaw is an alien super computer. The oddest thing might be that no one really cares about what I am doing here. No matter how weird the people act, the personal and the patients just shrug it away. I wish my insanity was more E so I could act as Napoleon or such. That'd be fun.
But I have to fall apart just a bit more, burn what is human and then swallow the ashes. I have to go, Vervain and Periwinkle are on the rise. Am I a snake?

I am so egoistical, I just talk about myself. How are you doing today?

*puts a basket with cat cookies on the floor for Fleur and Adair*
*throws a bag with peppermint gums at Fukyo high in the air*

Don't worry about me, I just have to burn a bit more - to see what's really inside. The higher I am reaching the more shadows come to swallow me. What else can I do. 3-4 weeks and I will be back. But for what. For whom? For you. You know who.


PS: Happy birthday Eljua by the way.

 

[Fukyo]

Anthile...

I'm a little speechless at the moment.

Just...You have the strength,you'll pull through. I'm hopeful.

 

[Kuu]

he gets angry and you get sent to the loonies?

 

[Claverhouse]

Hi Anthile

Sorry about all that. Glad you've got internet though: otherwise it sounds rather awful. I'd rather avoid talking too much to the patients, individual forms of lunacy are contagious after a while in any environment: concentrate on reading --- and getting back here.





Claverhouse

 

[Cogwulf]

I think I've been close to mental breakdown before, feeling like I was on a rickety old rope bridge and never knowing if the next board I step on is going to be rotten or that a strong gust of wind would knock me off balance and being terrified about what would happen if I fell.

I think the best thing is to get a change of scenery, get away from life for a while

 

[loveofreason]

This is reminding me of a song... but I can't for the life of me place it. Which is annoying, as I would like to post it here for you....

This will have to do instead:

 

[Beat Mango]

Ah fuck dude, I'm sorry to hear that! Mental issues suck. I had probably my worse day ever today in terms of detachment from reality, however somehow up to this point managed to avoid the place you're at now. Good luck, hopefully it's the "recession you had to have", so to speak.

 

[Firehazard159]

Sounds like an interesting experience, to say the least. That's become my determination in life, because it seems like no matter what goes on, life continues to be miserable for me. So, I just experience things and analyze them as detached as possible. And then, move on. It makes me feel a bit masochist, but like yourself, I view each experience as making me stronger, maybe not quite a metamorphosis or phoenix like reincarnation, but definitely something along those lines. Constantly tearing myself down / being torn down, and rebuilding into, what's hopefully something better.

Love that picture LoR I look forward to hearing from you again though Anthile... I'll be looking for you on IRC and around here

 

[Latro]

he gets angry and you get sent to the loonies?

I would think it was the knife part that did that. Angry, physically hostile, and physically hostile with weapons are all very different things.

In response, Anthile: I must say that I'm surprised. I haven't seen anything that would've suggested mental illness in my time here. I can actually empathize with you, albeit only slightly, because I've had a breakdown myself as well. It was not a hostile one but a depressive one. I'd...kinda rather not share details myself, but suffice it to say that being told I could go to therapy if I wanted to (I didn't, in the end), in combination with a few days without obligations, helped me, and while I've had some much more minor depressive dips since then (this was December 2007), I've gotten through them. I wish you luck.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

It seems unjustified, maybe I don't have the full picture. You have always seemed most normal to me . Maybe I should worry?

Seriously though, I believe you will get through this and all the stronger too. Best wishes to you my friend.

 

[cheese]

(Sounds like XIII, as does firehazard's response. Maybe we're all just loons breaking apart.)

Really sorry to hear this man. But you'll get through. You've always come across as one of the stronger, more stoic members here and I respect you for that.


Just in case that's taken the wrong way though...no pressure. It's ok if you crumble. There's a whole team here holding you up - internet freakazoids, but still existent in some dimension.

Don't let the crazies get you down!

 

[Cavallier]

Took me a while to figure out what to say. I have to admit I wanted to say that reading Doystoyeski will do that to a person but realized that would be terribly tacky and would completely undermine how sincerely I feel for you...but then again I guess I just said it so, please believe the next bit is sincere.

I don't have the full picture as others have already said but I sympathize. When it gets bad for me I walk by the railroad and say to myself, "if I want I can jump a train and be far from here without looking back". Sometimes I walk by that stretch of railroad several times a day or just sit next to it for hours. When it gets really bad I day dream about it to the point of complete distraction. Me, the train, the cold wind, and no one else. Sometimes I wonder if being without other people is true freedom. Um, perhaps the notion that there is an escape readily available is what helps. Well, helps me at least.

Anyway, talking about myself doesn't help you much. I apologize. Where do people find inspirational words that pick you up and make you want to keep going? I don't know. I hope you feel stronger soon. Hope I guess. That's all I can send you.

-sends "Hope" and "Strength" rays your way with wiggly finger motions

Oh, and try talking to the old man in your room. Who knows?

 

[Ermine]

Yikes. I'm really sorry, and quite confused since you seem perfectly sane to me. Seems that your dad's the one with the issues, but what do I know? anyway... I'm sure you'll make it through alright.

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

best of luck, try to maintain as much connection to the outside world as possible. In such isolated conditions a lot of behaviors are seemingly contagious. At least you can use the internet, that is good. I wish I was better at the whole words of encouragement thing but I am trying.

 

[preilemus]

i stumbled upon this thread before your post in the depression thread, but while im here, ill just tell you that i sincerely hope that you work through this, and that everything works out okay. my dad had to go to one of those institutions a few years back, also because of a mental breakdown, so i guess i know a little bit what you might be going through.


my Fe seems to be acting up...

im really sorry Anthile

 

[Wisp]

Christ, Anthile, good luck.

As for the guy w/ the wiretaps, that sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me...

Reading sounds like a good idea, but Dostoyevski is just depressing.

Hang in there, man.

 

[Tyria]

Anthile,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I've had some rough moments in my life, so I can empathize with some of what you must be going through.

Just concentrate on getting better for now. Build yourself back up slowly, and don't worry about anything else. We're here if you want to talk or need anything.

Take care.
CK

 

[wadlez]

Being different and thinking about abstract concepts and ideas in a detached state is great. I think this state of mind turns to a mental illness when you can no longer see how your being percieved by people and so becomes maladaptive.
I think you could gain from taking time to reflect on how others will perceive what you do/say. If you can at least manage to act normal you dont have to worry about coming back to this place again or being ostracized by others.

 

[Waterstiller]

I'm really looking forward to you posting again. You don't need to be as strong and controlled as you were before, you know. Broken is fine too.

It's funny how Dostoevsky attracts us at such times. I don't know if he actually helps, however. My only recommendation is perhaps to sit under a tree in the park with something related to Taoism from the library.

<3

 

[saffyangelis]

Poor Anthile =/

I hope it all sorts itself out... think of it as a holiday maybe? And try asking about the old man, 'cos if he really is just your imagination, you don't want to end up with him for ages, if you do find out your mind's just acting up, they can't help if you don't tell them what's wrong, right?

And I have to say, I didn't think you'd get thought of as insane.... *telepathic hug*

 

[Vegard Pompey]

Now I feel kinda bad, because, reading your post, I almost laughed, or rather, I did laugh. I understand that having a mental breakdown and being sent to a hospital is no laughing matter, but it seems like the kind of thing that would happen in the kind of movie that I would love to watch. And as much as I hope for your well-being, this is so far-away and foreign it might as well be fiction.

With that said, I do care for your well-being, I hope you can straighten your mind out, and I hope you'll get out of there soon. Good luck.

 

[Xel]

All I can say is good luck Anthile. I hope everything works itself out in the end.

 

[AceNess]

So these no one can lie on these forums, amazing!

 

[Venture]

I don't like this new 'New Posts' change.

I missed this all becasue the forum only accounts the new posts when I am logged in.

Now I will have to look through the individual forum sections more often

There's some other changes that I don't like either, like the users OS and Browser use, I just switched over from Google Chrome to Internet Explorer and it now says I have Windows XP and I have Windows Vista.

And my avatar has this big black bar at the bottom!

It's not the forum though, it's the stupid gif I saved it from.

><

 

[Anthile]

Wow, thank you all for the support! I... didn't expect that. I don't really know what to say but thank you. I almost shed a tear.

Well, the problem is that they really do nothing with me here. No therapy whatsoever. I just get antidepressiva every morning and evening. Except from that I have nothing else to do but to read or play table tennis. The people here are really through. Some of them are obviously insane and cannot even talk and speak coherently and get meds that I cannot even pronounce but there is another group here that seems normal at first but those are the guys who are really mad and in this way dangerous. I am mostly for myself and try to avoid contact with the other patients but I couldn't talk to them even if I wanted because especially the older people here get so much tranquilizing meds that they sleep most of the time.
At wednesday I'll meet an "advisor" who will help me to find a new apartment. I have no idea how much time that will take. Perhaps just few days or in the worst case several weeks. My father is in Kenya now and I won't see him in the next months and probably never again and my sister "forgot" me... she promised to come but didn't.

Apart from this I finished Crime and Punishment yesterday and read now Heidegger's Being and Time.

 

[Waterstiller]

Ooh.. Being and Time. I'm slightly envious that you can read it in German. I love the work but find it difficult to resolve the fact that heidegger was such a dick. I recently watched a documentary on him that made me even more disgusted with him as a person.

Try to visit here when you can, eh? We're not entirely sane but perhaps better company.

 

[Madoness]

This is awkward.

Just try not to overthink situations and... yeah... read... get your mind off of the situation being for a while.

 

[Da Blob]

Well, I think you are taking the experience for what it is. Of course meds have a tendency to warp things a bit, it does not sound as if the Doctors think you are a danger to yourself or others (which is cool). The fact that they are already arranging for your leaving the facility for an apartment of your own should be especially encouraging.

PM me if you think my input could be helpful/amusing

John

 

[Seducer of the Homeless]

yeah, i suck at supporting people through tough times...which is why i haven't posted

but seriously, i hope for the very best for you, i hope that if your relationship with your father doesn't improve that you can find an apartment and get your life back on the move again. all i can suggest (i think others have ) is to use this opportunity to analyse and psychologically evaluate the insane mind. use it as a first hand opportunity to truly understand the madmen in the facility, hell, make friends!

soooo...just lose yourself in fiction, music and medication

 

[didyouknow]

There's not really much left to say but hang in there, hope for the best and remember that we're all here for you.

 

[Claverhouse]

Some responses are clinically alarming... *idly appalled*

Hope you get out asap, Anthile.


Heidegger's brilliant, but very difficult... Congratulations.



Claverhouse

 

[Venture]

It's like this is a thread from TypologyCentral, in the NF idyllic section, or the SJ Gaurdhouse

I wonder how long this thread will stay active....

First, I believed it, and now I am not sure, it just doesn't seem real.

Though I must say, I was first suspicious when he started banning me impulsively on IRC

Anyway, that place seems great.... except for your mind exploding in all.... and having to take pills.

I must also say that, for as bad as your mental state sounds, I wouldn't be alive in your position.
It's like I am strong though weak.

 

[Fukyo]

Venture,everyone knows that whenever you've been banned,it's been with good reasons.

 

[Venture]

Venture,everyone knows that whenever you've been banned,it's been with good reasons.

Yeah yeah, "good reasons" those were not good reasons.

Are you going to say it another couple of times?

When I was banned from ecnet, that was a good reason.

I did it on purpose, IRC was taking hold of my brain again.

 

[Fukyo]

Yeah yeah, "good reasons" those were not good reasons.

Are you going to say it another couple of times?

When I was banned from ecnet, that was a good reason.

I did it on purpose, IRC was taking hold of my brain again.

Aww,too bad for you...

There's this thing called logs.

Done derailing.

 

[eudemonia]

Anthile, I'm so sorry. I don't spend much time here anymore and I just came across this today. I remember chatting on the IRC with you a while back - that was fun! Anthile, never lose hope and always fight for what you want - I'm sure you'll have the strength to pull through this. I'm surprised they don't offer you any 'talking therapy' - I'm a great believer in it, if you get the right kind of person.
Thinking of you.
Nia

 

[Anthile]

I wish I had more time to answer all this nice posting but I ran out of it because of my Morning Star posting and this is a public PC. Next week I get out of here and will go back to my old home until I found a new apartment. My father is not there and I don't know if there is internet or not. I think it is for the rest of september but I have no idea. Until I can come online the next time, thank you all for your support!

 

[walfin]

Congrats on getting out.

 

[The Fury]

I didn't immediately reply to this thread as it brought back memories I'd rather stay supressed. I was in your situation once before where I felt I had to defend myself from my father with a knife (although as it turned out he was more intent on harming himself that me). I never got sent to a mental health facility though.

I'm glad to here that you're finally getting out and I hope you can put your life back in order. I think what's important is what you can take from this experience, if you can grow and become stronger you can just look at it as a stepping stone to becoming a well-rounded individual.

Hm, I'm starting to sound like a self-help book.

 

[cheese]

Great to hear about the progress Anthile! Getting some space between you and your father sounds good.

Just keep swimming...

 

[Waterstiller]

I was in your situation once before where I felt I had to defend myself from my father with a knife (although as it turned out he was more intent on harming himself that me).

This makes me want to start a poll on how many of us had asshole/crazy fathers.

 

[Anthile]

First, I will answer all postings when I have the time.

Second, Heidegger is annoying. I have no idea how he is in the English translation but in German it's simply mind-boggling. It is almost unreadable. He uses such antiquated sentence structures, so many neologisms and too many reinterpretations of common words. He works in such small steps and it seems very pedantic, downright unintuitive. It certainly is an interesting with some very interesting aspects but I don't know... I feel that I don't learn as much from it as I hoped and that many things Heidegger aims at are already known to me but in different forms and words. This is probably because I already read too much that has been influenced by Heidegger. There are many old philosophers that I didn't read so far and I think before I read Descartes himself and other thinkers that are of this time I will begin with Plato and Aristotle and will read my way to this present day which will cost a lot of time and money.

I guess I will often have this "Oh, I know this already but I call it x not y!"-effect.

 

[Beat Mango]

Heidegger, like Derrida, is an obscurant - he makes his work difficult to read on purpose. It turns the reading into a more active and engaging process, and the new words he coins are ways of disconnecting himself with prior language etc (very post-modern). Anyway I hate it too, and it's a bit of a shame because I love both of their ideas, they are both damn intelligent. But I hate the ivory tower, and both are situated well within it.

I guess I will often have this "Oh, I know this already but I call it x not y!"-effect.

Yeah that's what I hated about philosophy when I first studied it. Really, all concepts are pretty simple imo and are only made complicated by over-thinking or lack of understanding. Hence where Zen etc comes in.

 

[Cavallier]

From an INTP point of view or rather a MBTI point of view: I try to read Heidegger and Derrida with my N and P instead of my T at least the first time through. I usually end up reading their stuff twice. The first time I go through with a wide focus and let it settle into my head passively. The second time I analyze, analyze, analyze. It's kind of like reading poetry in that I can't take it at face value and assume I get the full meaning with one go through. I've got to make associations and cross-associations before I can begin to understand.

*shrug*

I like the idea of working through from ancient to modern philosophers. Reading forward in order to understand the cannon and what the philosophers are building on seems very smart. Maybe I'll give it a try myself.

 

[Tyria]

Congrats on getting out Anthile. I hope that things are working out better for you, and that you find a nice apartment. Take care

 

[snowqueen]

I wish I had more time to answer all this nice posting but I ran out of it because of my Morning Star posting and this is a public PC. Next week I get out of here and will go back to my old home until I found a new apartment. My father is not there and I don't know if there is internet or not. I think it is for the rest of september but I have no idea. Until I can come online the next time, thank you all for your support!

Hey Anthile - that is great news! I'm so glad to hear things are getting better and that your home situation will improve.

if you need anything, just let me know

 

[snowqueen]

This makes me want to start a poll on how many of us had asshole/crazy fathers.

Start a poll on whether we had asshole crazy fathers or emotionally blackmailing needy violent mothers and I'll vote.

 

[Oblivious]

Heil Anthile.

All I can say is that no matter what, never give up and never give in. Tell people concerned how you feel in the simplest terms possible. Believe, and have pride in yourself with all your might.

I've had parents exactly as snowqueen has described before. I have had to physically defend myself with a knife as well when my father came home drunk once. Domestic violence is not that uncommon I guess.

When I hit 20~22 I managed to effect a change in them, god knows how. They are still themselves, but my argumentation has reached a point where I can effectively and elegantly communicate my position, no matter how confusing it is for them initially, using concrete and real world terms.

I am still the same, antisocial ob who almost never comes out of this room and is snappy with everyone. However, I talk to my dad about his business and world politics and help my mom with her cooking and groceries. We never really talk, but its the small things that keep them happy. I would say they are pretty happy with me now.

They need to understand. No one will understand. No one understood me, so I told them in no uncertain terms. This is by no means easy to do, but it has to be done. One thing they are literally dying to hear, I can guarantee, is how you feel. Tell them from the bottom of your heart. If they ask you why you are telling them, just ask them back if they want to know. Sit down and think about what you have to say. Tell your father how afraid of him you were. Tell your sister you are sorry for the trouble.

Most importantly, have a plan for how you will live your life with or without them. I bet you are already on that though.

 

[Anthile]

On thursday I was for one "day" at home (actually just two hours) to see if I can live there until I find an apartment. It turned out that I have no key. My uncle, who lives nearby, and my sister have a key but naturally no one was at home when I came so I had to climb through an open window to get my own key that was inside. That actually worked and I was almost surprised that no one saw me and called the police because they thought I was a burglar.
On friday I went to the TPU (Test-Psychologische Untersuchung - test-psychological examination) where I had to do a lot of tests - and among others the Eyes, EQ and SQ testthat have been posted here on the forum - followed by a long talk with a psychologist.
To make it short for now, I have been diagnosed with extreme Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) (the results were almost off the scales) and borderline-Asperger. However, there was one remarkable anomaly - my EQ is above average and much higher than it "should" be.

On wednesday I will get out at 9am and then I will see what happens.

 

[Claverhouse]

Congrats on getting out; and on getting in.

Did they prescribe anything interesting ?



Claverhouse