when you were younger, were you ever told to stop crying?

[shoeless]

how often?
how did it make you feel then?

do you think it's effected you long-term?

if you weren't,
what do you think of it anyway?

 

[Ashenstar]

Yes I was, often.
I was also told after being spanked "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" If I didn't stop on the spot I was then I would get another round of being spanked.... only much harder and more severe.

I really learned to hold things in and then explode. Or to never cry and when I just can't help it to seriously berate myself being so "weak" and "pathetic". I used to call myself the Crying Nazi.

I think it's a horrible thing to tell children. I would never.....

 

[Sugarpop]

Yes.

I am unable to display strong emotion in public. I sometimes want to, and then I feel rather panicky and powerless. Strong emotions in others make me feel awkward or scared.

Personally I will refrain from putting any children I might have up against their own emotions.

 

[MattKelevra]

Same as Ashenstar with the spankings and threats for more.

 

[Da Blob]

Ditto here as well. I received extra lashes if i made noise.

How often, it would depend on what kind of mood my father was in. Fortunately he did not drink, but he would foster absolutely no frustration of his will. I received most of my beatings for things i said rather than things I did...

I just assumed that "Free Speech" as well as other elements of a Bill of Rights did not apply to children.

BTW - Like some others, perhaps, my father was an officer in the US Military.

 

[tashi]

Yes, this is definatly relatable to events in my own childhood. I was actually a fairly easy child in most regards. I just have the tendency to point out (and not in a malicious way) anything that is illogical, in other's(even if it's my own parents) actions. If you wanna piss off a person like my father, the easiest way is to have their own daughter tell them that they're wrong. It also doesn't help that my father and mother divorced when I was young, and ever since then( I was 5), he has been taking out his anger for my mother on me. So I had to learn how to repress my emotions at a very young age. Any time that I cried infront of my father, he took it as an assualt on him, and well, you guys all know how it works...
As for how it has affected me, well like Ashenstar, I kind of turned into a crying nazi too. I would not cry for long periods of time, and then anytime that I did/do cry, I'm incapable of stopping. All the repressed emotions come out all at once.
It's not a very effective tool to use with children, and to this day, I don't understand how an adult could do that to child, especially there own child.

 

[Cavallier]

Hmmm...I wasn't ever told to not cry but my mother is uncomfortable with the emotion so she wasn't really the consoling sort. Her father would pull the "I'll give you something to cry about" crap you have talked about. She says the last time he spanked her she didn't cry at all and he stopped after that. She's a bit messed up because of it all and her reaction to me crying has simply been to ignore it. She's determined that the abuse stop with her. She doesn't react negatively to me crying though she is uncomfortable with any emotion she thinks is too passionate.

Sorry, no real lasting abuse to report on my part.

 

[Sparrow]

Yes I was, often.
I was also told after being spanked "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" If I didn't stop on the spot I was then I would get another round of being spanked.... only much harder and more severe.

I really learned to hold things in and then explode. Or to never cry and when I just can't help it to seriously berate myself being so "weak" and "pathetic". I used to call myself the Crying Nazi.

I think it's a horrible thing to tell children. I would never.....

This. ESFJ mother's suck.

 

[Ermine]

My parents didn't really punish me for crying. I didn't really cry as much as I had tearful temper tantrums. The crying was the byproduct. So I only really got punished for the tantrums and the things that I said, which were definitely punishable.

And I'm glad that they never punished me for crying, because while I still have issues dealing with my emotions, I feel safe with my family if and when my emotions do manifest themselves. That kind of trust is critical, and seems to be the foundation of trusting anyone else with your emotions.

Anyway, my view on the subject is that crying is always a byproduct of something else. Therefore, it's ineffective to a parent to tell their child to stop crying. It's much better to get to the root of it all and fix that. And regardless of what the source of the crying is, it's not effective to say stop it. It's really more of a teaching opportunity in my opinion.

 

[Struggling_Bee]

I was told not to cry fairly often, if memory serves correctly. I was never really spanked though, as that seems to be brought up in the previous posts.

Really, as a little kid, (5-ish) I felt like I physically couldn't stop crying. It's not that I was sad, or wanted to cry, I just couldn't stop. Like now, if I start laughing, I'll keep laughing even after it stops being funny enough to laugh that much sometimes. It kind of annoyed me, because my parents always thought I was faking or something...

I don't think it's really effected me now though. I'm somewhat tolerant of my seven year old cousin when she cries, because I remember when I was her age. I still can't stand kids most of the time though (don't dislike them... just don't like being around them).

So yes, I have been told to stop crying, it's not really changed who I am, to my knowledge. My parents are also insanely nice though, even when saying things like that.

 

[transformers]

This. ESFJ mother's suck.

Disagree. I have an ESFJ mother and although we have extremely different points of view on most things, we get along very well because we tolerate each others' differences. Although, this was less the case when I was younger..

 

[Vrecknidj]

I was prevented not only from crying but also from many other expressions of emotion. Ironically, both my parents were F-types. It was devastating to my emotional well being and profoundly affects me still.

Dave

 

[walfin]

Yes, I was caned and punished for crying as well.

As a result I have not been able to cry for a very long time. Until recently it was replaced with anger.

Recently I feel I have to lose my temper deliberately. The outbursts aren't exactly outbursts anymore. I don't actually feel that angry but I shout in order to show people that I'm angry. That makes me feel horrible.

 

[Van]

Yes and no... I do remember being told once when I was crying over a grazed knee or something, but it wasn't a regular thing because I was normally too ashamed to cry in front of anyone anyway. I think there is a certain point where crying just carries on into whining, which is where I'd tell a kid to stop crying and get over it. It's different when someone needs to express their emotions. Telling them to stop halfway through is like... like telling someone not to pee! Sorry, I can't think of a better comparison quickly!

 

[Cognisant]

(took me an hour to write this)

I can't remember ever being told not to try, or even being emotionally suppressed at all, but then again as far back as I can remember I've considered crying a shameful thing; if I were to guess I'd say my mother got upset when I got upset so I just stopped being upset because seeing my mother upset was incredibly upsetting to me.

Then there was that time when I got beaten up at school in a very public fight, I managed to escape and ran away to go cry privately, but they (the audience, not my attacker) tracked me down and mocked me as I cried, and screamed at them to stay away.
Even now, just thinking about it... indescribable.

These days I can't even cry when I want to, which is inconvenient.

 

[fullerene]

Yes I was, often.
I was also told after being spanked "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" If I didn't stop on the spot I was then I would get another round of being spanked.... only much harder and more severe.

I really learned to hold things in and then explode. Or to never cry and when I just can't help it to seriously berate myself being so "weak" and "pathetic". I used to call myself the Crying Nazi.

I think it's a horrible thing to tell children. I would never.....

!! .... *hugs*

I realize it's unfair to pick ash's out when many of you said you had similar things... but hers was the first, and I wasn't expecting it, so it hit me the hardest. I do feel really bad for all of you, though... and I actually suspected this was the case with lots of people that now think of themselves as INTPs. I have not the slightest idea why I didn't make a thread about it myself, because I'd been wondering for a while now.


But no... for myself, I was never bothered about crying. I just... didn't often cry. I do remember throwing a few really loud tantrums, like ermine, with the crying/screaming/screeching, but my parents more or less ignored them. I don't think they happened more than a handful of times.

I just have never really been much of a crier. I was told that I hardly ever cried as a baby/infant, and I don't remember much crying through elementary/middle school either. High school/some college I started up a fair amount, though never when other people were around.

But no... as far as I can remember, it was never discouraged

 

[ckm]

Not as far as I can recall. My parents are emotionally open. Both are F types (my mother is ISFP; my father is a mystery to me, although he certainly uses Fe enough to go against my grain), but I can count the number of times I've cried (apart from as a young child) in front of anyone other than my mother on one hand. The concept of crying openly is rather unthinkable for me, to be honest. Something must have triggered that, but I don't know what. I think I cry alone pretty often, but falling down the emotional pit can be quite rejuvenating for me.

 

[Thread Killer]

Not that I remember. Maybe on account of me being a girl.

 

[Da Blob]

(took me an hour to write this)

I can't remember ever being told not to try, or even being emotionally suppressed at all, but then again as far back as I can remember I've considered crying a shameful thing; if I were to guess I'd say my mother got upset when I got upset so I just stopped being upset because seeing my mother upset was incredibly upsetting to me.

Then there was that time when I got beaten up at school in a very public fight, I managed to escape and ran away to go cry privately, but they (the audience, not my attacker) tracked me down and mocked me as I cried, and screamed at them to stay away.
Even now, just thinking about it... indescribable.

These days I can't even cry when I want to, which is inconvenient.

I think I actually forgot/repressed the ability to cry during my teenage years. I certainly had reasons to cry, but I never did, not once in ten years (if my memory serves me correctly) - not even at my Mother's funeral.

It was only later when away from my family at college that I accidently re-discovered this ability during a drunken episode of Self-pity. Not only did crying feel good, it seemed to have some therapeutic value. I actually felt much better after 'bawling like a baby' for a while. Unfortunately for the longest time I still could not cry unless i was drunk. It was a shame to have to rely on alcohol to be able to either Laugh or Cry, but that was who I was at that time of my life...

 

[Ashenstar]

I am surprised myself at how many people were also told not to cry. How can such a vast majority of parents be so unqualified and damaging? Sometimes it seems as though parents set out to harm their children. I know mine did.

I forgot (ok fine.. I didn't want to actually get into it) to mention how it has affected me in my life as an adult.

It has physically made it hard to cry. It is the strangest thing. Oresama mentioned that he can not cry as well... but for different reasons.

It is so odd.... to know I need to cry... would feel better if I did. I understand what physical harm I am doing to myself by not crying... but I just can't seem to do it. The last time I cried my bf came over before he moved and I was having an internal struggle as to whether or not to break up with him to make his life easier. That was the only time in the last year? I think where I actually honest to god cried.

There was something that frustrated me last fall to the point of tears and well... maybe 3 or 4 tears leaked out and I was like "NO! NO! I need to cry.. please! I need this release! Cry DAMMIT!!!"

I'm looking forward to the day I finally cry from happiness.

 

[bluesquid]

I was a very adventorous young lad. I would just take off. So my mom leashed me. I would get off my leash and my mother would beat me. I laughed. Then she would get a 2x4 and hit me. I laughed even harder. I have always had an incredible ability to deal with pain.

As I aged, my emotions became stronger and i had a hard time. Certain situations would make me so emotional I couldnt help but cry and shiver. If an adult I really respected was mean to me. Or if I was unfairly chastised. Shit like that.

I only cry now at movies or the news(That little girl that was pinned, freed, and then died has really rocked me). I allow myself to cry because it really has nothing to do with me. I can explore my emotions in a safe way.

 

[Fleur]

Ah, "why are crying/being angry about now, just shut up already blah blah". One of the most easy-to-recall memories about my childhood interaction with my mother, the woman which is made of explosives, especially when crying was the result of her actions. Well, at the beginning I just kept crying in spite of her, later began to run off whenever I felt my eyes tearing up. But, unlike others in this thread, I did not take an extra effort in keeping tears away; I become overly nervous and began to burst in tears about almost everything.

It is really painful to see how adults tend to dehumanize children. How many times we have seen how a parent yells at a child about being angry/expressing frustration about something? It is almost like only adults are allowed to express their negative emotions.
Also, some of parents live in a belief that their child is something that belongs to them and is automatically required to do everything they say. This is clearly visible when speaking about time - if parents need help, the child is dragged in it, regardless how busy they are at the moment; when the child is one who asks their parents do something time-consuming, it can be put away to be done later.

 

[ashitaria]

Ah, "why are crying/being angry about now, just shut up already blah blah". One of the most easy-to-recall memories about my childhood interaction with my mother, the woman which is made of explosives, especially when crying was the result of her actions. Well, at the beginning I just kept crying in spite of her, later began to run off whenever I felt my eyes tearing up. But, unlike others in this thread, I did not take an extra effort in keeping tears away; I become overly nervous and began to burst in tears about almost everything.

It is really painful to see how adults tend to dehumanize children. How many times we have seen how a parent yells at a child about being angry/expressing frustration about something? It is almost like only adults are allowed to express their negative emotions.
Also, some of parents live in a belief that their child is something that belongs to them and is automatically required to do everything they say. This is clearly visible when speaking about time - if parents need help, the child is dragged in it, regardless how busy they are at the moment; when the child is one who asks their parents do something time-consuming, it can be put away to be done later.

Agreed. Too lazy to type anymore.

 

[amorfati]

My mom always encouraged me to cry when I needed to but my dad would tell me "that's enough!" if I was crying too much.

It's effected me greatly. I basically never cry unless I'm drunk.

 

[Chimera]

As far back as I can remember, I always thought of crying as shameful. It has always been something to do privately. No real trigger for that, at least none that I can remember. Even when I wanted to cry (being chastised, even gently, would make me choke up in that frustrating "I'm gonna cry" way), I made sure no tears leaked. People often wondered why my face turned red and I went dead silent as soon as I got reprimanded. -__-

My mother was always very comforting and patient whenever I did cry in front of her. Once in a while she would walk in on me crying (usually because of something my dad did/said), and would be absolutely shocked that I tried so hard to hide my tears from her.

My father didn't tell me to stop crying either, not from what I remember. Of course, I soon avoided the man like the plague and would have been mortified to cry in front of him. So he didn't really get a chance to give me any instructions about crying.

Really my only emotional supression was directly influenced by my sisters, who consistantly told me to keep my temper in check. I would react violently to their neverending teasing. Ugh. Stupidness. They totally brought it on themselves. ​

 

[sagewolf]

As far back as I can remember, I always thought of crying as shameful. It has always been something to do privately.

This. I was never told not to cry, or that crying was bad (that I remember) by anyone but myself, so I don't know where I got the idea from. If I needed to cry, I either hid in my room, underneath the bedcovers, or I hid in the bathroom (something I learned around the age of fourteen was that that was the one place in the house where no-one would bother me for anything). I tried never to cry in front of anyone, and I still don't. I don't know why.

 

[Midland_J]

Hi,
I am new here and this was the first topic that caught my attention. First becaused I experienced it and second because I am guilty of it. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and I dont beat them. I have gotten better at letting them express their emotions wether yelling or crying. As a parent I want my kids to be successful in life and I want to prepare them for the future. I feel bad at times for doing it, some times without even noticing, but I want them to deal with their emotions instead of being overcome. I understand that this is a very touchy issue and I realy am just trying to, sincerlely, "come clean". Both of my children (Ethan,6) and (Julizah,4) are two very well behaved, level headed children. I dont belive that being told "not to cry" is the main reason to cause someone to develop an INTP personality. My brother was told the same thing and he is an ESFP. Not trying to justify, but regardless, I feel that being told to repress my feelings at a young age could have been a factor of why I am an INTP. We (INTPs) relate feelings to pain thus pain=weakness. We are strong mentaly and feelings just get in the way. I do not want my kids to experience pain and I want them to succeed. I love them very much and I will be less harsh on them from now on. Thanks to all here, I am excited to meet INTPs.

 

[Moocow]

I think I stopped crying around adolescence and started getting pissed off instead. Of course, I didn't act on anger either and just held that inside and turned it into depression. That came out as silent hatred for everyone and myself.
Those years are all over, but it still impacts who I am today.

 

[pie]

I've been reading this board off and on for some time but never felt like I had anything to say until I saw this thread. so, um, hi. now that introductions are finished, here's my sob story. er, sobbing stories.

I distinctly remember being about 7 or 8 years old and very upset at something and crying the sort of gasping-for-breath sort of sobs, not the "look at how upset I am! do what I want!" thing that kids will do, but because I was deeply upset. (I don't remember why.) my mother yelled at me to stop crying or she will throw me down the stairs. I vaguely recall being downstairs and that she dragged me up the carpeted steps and picked me up and made the motion to throw me down to the landing, 7 steps down. this just made me cry even more out of terror, and I was trying to tell her that I was trying to stop but couldn't even breathe, but she just kept yelling at me to stop crying or she'll throw me down the stairs. I must've scrambled to the very bottom of the steps when she put me down. I just remember being on my hands and knees at the foot of the stairs, focusing on breathing and not crying or explaining pointlessly that I couldn't just stop crying.

I definitely think this affected me long-term. not just this, but other things, too. I don't have specific memories of this, but I get the sense that with me there was general thing of "crying is something to be made fun of". so I wouldn't do it if other people could see, and I would make fun of crybabies.

another tears-related incident that is clear in my mind: one time my little brother and I were trading some of our toys with each other. I shrewdly angled to get the toy that I wanted without giving him what he wanted. he agreed at the time but then changed his mind and cried when I wouldn't trade back. our mother would baby him if he cried, like it was so cute and pitiful that his little feelings were hurt. I think he learned at preschool or from a babysitter to say that his feelings are hurt. I had never been taught to say it; I found the phrase stupid and abhorrent. anyway, he would wail "sheeee hurrrrrt myyyyyy feeeeelingssss!" and clearly this was the Worst Thing In The World. I regarded this as him manipulating things to get his way, and I wasn't about to let it happen. our mother would try the "how would *you* feel if *he* hurt *your* feelings?" thing with me, which, duh, if he hurt my feelings, they would feel hurt. whatever. but I said "he can't! besides, I don't have any feelings!" because I knew that the whole thing was a Thing to get me to do what I didn't want to do. he traded fair and square! okay, it wasn't so fair, but he had agreed! I tried to explain this, but to no avail. his feelings were hurt. I had hurt them. it ended with our mother promising to buy him a new toy. I didn't want this to happen, either! I offered to give him back his old toy if I could also get a new toy. our mother agreed, just to "keep the peace".
I don't know why it wasn't okay for me to cry but it was okay for my little brother to do so. there was this same sort of double-standard with other things, too, which made me bitter, resentful, and hateful.

one last memory: if I was upset or feeling sorry for myself, my mother would tell me in a mocking, sing-song voice "go and have a pity party". sometimes I would say "fine! I will! and you're not invited!" but of course she didn't want to be invited to my pity party anyway. then I would pretend to have a *fun* party that she was not invited to. I vaguely recall enrolling my brother into my pity party one time, and we sat there fake-crying, then laughing. I learned to cover up my tears or distract myself with something. I also concluded that my mother doesn't care about how I feel.

(from what I can figure, my mother is an ESF type, probably P, but parenting makes her seem more SJ to me.)

 

[Cognisant]

-_-