Smiling

[MichiganJFrog]

Ever get a question or comment along these lines?

1. Why don't you smile more?
2. Would it kill you to smile?
3. You're smiling on the inside, right?
4. Smile or your fired.

Is this an INTP thing, a social anxiety thing, or another thing? Is it not even a thing?

And do these types of comments make you want to smile more?

(Gracias, obrigado, merci, danke, and takk.)

 

[Moocow]

I recently had a coworker ask me if I could smile. It catches me off guard every time because I simply can't believe someone would ask it. I replied "not on command" and I think he took it literally, leading to a pushy, irritating instruction on how to smile. My dad also used to try to get me to smile, but not once do I recall him considering there are reasons I wasn't.

In short, it sets me off unreasonably quick when people do this. It's such an inappropriate and invasive question. I can only see it being asked out of stupidity and sheerly superficial, selfish demand for comfort and lack of consideration.

By the way, this took place in an animal research lab.

 

[Black Rose]

or another thing?

my smiles do look weird in photos.
so unless it feels right I keep an expressionless face except for my eyes, I like to keep alert.

 

[Sanctum]

Definitely, especially from my mom (ESFJ) so as a rule when i make eye contact with people i give them the heartiest wholehearted smile i can then proceed with my serious face. its actually quite funny is you see it.
-> :l

 

[MissQuote]

Yes.

I've probably heard some variation of "Why don't you smile more!" more than any other statement in my life. Since I was a little girl.

Smile

Smile

SMILE

Doesn't make me want to smile.

My kids get weirded out and ask me what is wrong on those rare times I am walking around with a grin on my face. Kind of funny and awesome actually, they worry when I do smile for no reason, because it is just so out of character for me. heh.

The people who take the time to know me have come to know that it is not a sign of any sort of discontent, just that I am off in my own world of thought, lost somewhere there is no reason to worry too much about. People who know me well will find other questions to ask. Today, this evening before he went to bed, my husband asked me if I was upset with him. I told him "No, why?" I guess I had barely said a word to him all day or shown him any affection and was walking around all day looking forlorn or something. I didn't even notice this was how I was behaving today. Glad he didn't feel the need to question my lack of smiling (and talking) and took the hug and kiss I gave him when he said all that as honest.

 

[Lot]

I'm often monotone, but I do still smile quite a bit. Even the other day I had a gas station attendant say, " Thank you for smiling all the time." in his Indian ascent. I was once told my smile was disarming. So I've learned to use it so that people don't think I'm an emotionless robot, which has happened before.

I do have an INTP friend that rarely ever makes any expressions. Its funny when he laughs, because it sounds like he's some crazed hillbilly drunk on moonshine, and it comes out of nowhere. I have trouble reading him. I could be telling a rather dark joke one moment and he's fine. I tell him another one in a slightly darker topic, and he starts to attack me. No warning at all. I'm sure Fe has something to do with this.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

No. People pretty much know what to expect.

 

[Roran]

More than I like. I don't smile much, and most of my smiles are more reminiscent of grimaces(always coupled with my ironic barking laugh, even if not used aloud) than expressions of joy. And when I "smile" for photos it just looks creepy.

Being asked this is more irritating than it really should be, and it often has the opposite effect it was intended to have.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

I once got passed over for a promotion in part because they said I didn't smile enough. They guy they hired was a grinning machine who also happened to have a chronic lateness problem, to the point where the other employees would make bets on when he'd show up.

After that, I started doing research on smiling. It may have been a reaction formation, but I learned a few things. A lot of cultures view it as threatening, like animals baring their teeth. Frequency of smiling also differs greatly by race, gender, ethnicity, age, socioeconomic class, even by position within an organization. I should go back and see whether anyone's studied a possible connection between smiling and personality type.

 

[MissQuote]

What kind of tease are you?

You can't just going saying things like that and not giving more information on what you actually learned.

 

[Words]

Before, yeah, and I imagine I've been told those comments/questions more than anyone I know. And I smile whenever hear those. Not because I felt like I needed to, but because i think it's funny when they mention it. I smile more often now. I think it's because I'm just more excited about things than I used to. I had social anxiety back then too, but i think it's also an INTP-issue for me.

 

[Scarlett Hayden]

People are always telling me to smile. I just find the shallow sense of humour most people have to be boring. I tend to try and fake it though, especially around my dad because I really don't find him that funny, and he'll tend to take it personally and get peeved off at me if I don't show any 'positive' type of emotion in response. I'm not very good at faking it though because it seems too pathetic to have to smile and laugh when I genuinely don't find something interesting or funny enough. It's not that I don't have a sense of humour, far from it, it's just too unconventional for most people to understand. I think more than anything I more spend time by myself laughing at some of the things I come across on the internet than I do with other people.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

What kind of tease are you?

You can't just going saying things like that and not giving more information on what you actually learned.

All right, lemme see. I downloaded abstracts for at least 400 studies directly or tangentially related to smiling. They're all on my old computer, which has been sitting in a drawer for about three years, so my memory is sketchy.

IIRC, though, a shockingly high number of these studies were written by dentists all searching for that Holy Grail, the mathematical formula that would enable them to create the perfect smile. They were trying to tweak this formula for calculating the optimal angle from one tooth to the next, in order to create the most appealing curve possible on something called the "buccal corridor."

Of course, this involved wearing braces, which made me think that wearing braces is nothing more than the late-20th and early-21st-century version of foot-binding. Smiling has become completely fetishized, yet another area in which individual differences must be minimized to the greatest extent possible. As for myself, my canines are unusually large, such that when I smile I look like a vampire. I'm not changing that for all the tea in China.

Speaking of China, there were also a lot of studies about how to create dimple implants. Apparently, at the time, this was the latest rage in cosmetic surgery among young Chinese career women. I come by my dimples naturally. My grandmother called them "fetching."

I can't remember any of the non-scary studies at the moment. Let me get back to you on that.

I also spent a lot of time trying to track down a quote by Quentin Crisp, from an op-ed column he wrote in the New York Times in the late 1970s or early 1980s. I had thought he said, "People who are truly happy do not need to smile," but that wasn't quite right. I did finally find the actual column somewhere, but I don't know what I did with it. Again, I'll gather all this information together and make a full presentation in the near future.

I could go off on a tangent about how I misremember quotes, especially movie quotes, but I'll save that for another time.

 

[MissQuote]

I could go off on a tangent about how I misremember quotes, especially movie quotes, but I'll save that for another time.

I figured it would just be easier to give myself a screen name that explained this rather than having frequent tangenty bursts and apologies for my paraphrasing of quotes.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Of course, this involved wearing braces, which made me think that wearing braces is nothing more than the late-20th and early-21st-century version of foot-binding. Smiling has become completely fetishized, yet another area in which individual differences must be minimized to the greatest extent possible.

It's an interesting perspective but I'm not sure why you would think that. Straightened teeth at least could help with chewing, and in extreme cases teeth are deformed to the extent of being dysfunctional. Not only did foot binding have no medical use whatsoever, but it turned functional feet into barely functional feet, that is the opposite purpose of braces.

I would agree in some sense that the 'perfect smile' has become idealized, but not to the oppressive extent of foot binding.

 

[MissQuote]

That reminds me of when I was in sixth grade. This rich girl came to school the day before picture day with braces. the day after picture day she didn't have them any more.

I have met people who considered braces on adult women to be attractive, too, to the point of it being almost fetish like. The braces alone making the woman beautiful and sexually appealing in their eyes.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

It's an interesting perspective but I'm not sure why you would think that. Straightened teeth at least could help with chewing, and in extreme cases teeth are deformed to the extent of being dysfunctional. Not only did foot binding have no medical use whatsoever, but it turned functional feet into barely functional feet, that is the opposite purpose of braces.

I would agree in some sense that the 'perfect smile' has become idealized, but not to the oppressive extent of foot binding.

Maybe a more apt comparison would be to some item that fills a medical need, but that is also marketed to people who don't really need it. The beverage Ensure was basically created to ensure that elderly individuals who have trouble with self-care meet their basic minimum daily nutritional requirements.

At the same time, it's also marketed in a manner similar to energy drinks, probably because there otherwise wouldn't be enough of a profit from selling it to senior citizens to justify its continued production, especially if you have to sell it at a deep discount through the Medicare program, for example. I imagine dentists and whoever manufactures braces must have made some kind of similar calculation: in order to continue to provide braces to people who really need them, we'll have to figure out some way to sell them to people who don't.

 

[nedenom]

Ever get a question or comment along these lines?
1. Why don't you smile more?

Can't say I do. I do smile regularly throughout the day. It helps me to balance out the introvertedness a little.

And do these types of comments make you want to smile more?

(Gracias, obrigado, merci, danke, and takk.)

Yes, they do. A sincere gesture of appreciation will bring out the smile in most people of any type, I think.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

I do smile regularly throughout the day.

Cool. I think I do too, once I get the lay of the land, but I'm still a more nervous person than most under the best of circumstances.

A sincere gesture of appreciation will bring out the smile in most people of any type, I think.

I meant thanks to everyone who posted, but, yeah, I know what you mean.

Grazie.

 

[Spaz]

Smiling is mostly a forced expression for me. Even when I'm feeling happy, it doesn't come naturally. So naturally, yes, I have had people tell me many times that I look depressed or upset - even if I think I am doing just fine.

Maybe it is connected to introversion - if you're more extroverted, I guess your instinct is to portray a warm smile to others - being more focused on the interaction.

 

[Spaz]

Of course, this involved wearing braces, which made me think that wearing braces is nothing more than the late-20th and early-21st-century version of foot-binding.

I could write pages about how evil I think braces are..particularly the abrasive cement and metal type..having suffered through such a torture device by an incredibly unqualified 'orthodontist' when I was younger.

 

[Words]

Maybe it is connected to introversion - if you're more extroverted, I guess your instinct is to portray a warm smile to others - being more focused on the interaction.

I've concluded that it is related [but not dependent] to Introversion + Te/Ti. The inverse of Te/Ti is Fe/Fi. Smile is applied emotion and emotion is applied value. Fe and Fi deal with values. If one prefers to "F", one prefers to evaluate or value and most likely apply emotion through smiling. This explains the frequency of smiles made by IxFP's and IxFJ's. As to who is much more likely to smile more often between IxTJ and IxTP, I think it is too multi-factorial to say. I can say that IxTP's smile is more meant for interaction, which might be related to the question. Intuition might also be related because preference for type of general information affects level of connection, and thus degree of evaluation towards individuals.

 

[Da Blob]

I did some research on smiling once. I was wondering why the richest people on Earth rarely smiled but that behavior seemed limited to children, natives, fools and people on drugs - like me at the time...

A real smile is known as a Duchenne smile and after childhood is rarely seen on faces in the West. In our culture children are taught to mask emotion at a young age and once the emotional mask is put on it is difficult for some of us to take it off - it would be like in the dreams of being in public - exposed, naked or in one's underwear... We prefer to wear our game faces in public as blank masks, not pleasant expressions created using a mirror.

There are all manners of 'fake' smiles, but those are for the most part just social contrivances

 

[MichiganJFrog]

I can say that IxTP's smile is more meant for interaction, which might be related to the question.

So, do IxTPs smile because they know they're supposed to?

 

[Words]

So, do IxTPs smile because they know they're supposed to?

Only as opposed to IxTJ's. This is no absolute. People smile for several reasons. I'm speaking in general and in relation to IxTJ's.

 

[Hadoblado]

I smile a fair amount if I'm feeling up to it. Smiling smooths out social interaction considerably. If I am not in the mood, but am required to interact, I have several memories banked away that I consider hilarious, so I spend a moment or two thinking of these before speaking.

Fake smiles make me feel scummy somehow. I will avoid it if at all possible.

 

[Fukyo]

I once got passed over for a promotion in part because they said I didn't smile enough. They guy they hired was a grinning machine who also happened to have a chronic lateness problem, to the point where the other employees would make bets on when he'd show up.

After that, I started doing research on smiling. It may have been a reaction formation, but I learned a few things. A lot of cultures view it as threatening, like animals baring their teeth. Frequency of smiling also differs greatly by race, gender, ethnicity, age, socioeconomic class, even by position within an organization. I should go back and see whether anyone's studied a possible connection between smiling and personality type.

In my opinion, while a smile can be threatening, in these sort of situation you're describing. eg. being asked why you're not smiling and losing a promotion because of it is because smiling is seen as a positive social gesture that demonstrates good will, amiability, quite possibly trustworthiness, and promotes relation between responsive (probably most) people, because it's a way of acknowledgement. Which you've failed to demonstrate, and hence were implicitly penalized in some way or the other. You'd be surprised how likely most people are to give you a positive response if you demonstrate visible friendliness and warmth.

 

[Auburn]

1. Why don't you smile more?
2. Would it kill you to smile?

alt version:

*obligatory*

 

[RockinLollipop]

I smile. Quite often, actually. Though it's generally because I'm thinking entertaining thoughts, not because of any external stimuli. I AM MY OWN AMUSEMENT!!

Also, I'm contemplating that I might have been an extrovert once, so it's not hard for me to smile when socially necessary.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

You'd be surprised how likely most people are to give you a positive response if you demonstrate visible friendliness and warmth.

Yeah, no, I know what you mean. These are signs that you care about the other person's welfare, at least in some basic way. Unfortunately, at the time, I was way too stressed out to be able to feel much empathy for anyone else, really. A co-worker did take me aside one day and told me a story to help me understand why the boss had a very hard time trusting people, though. It was quite a revelation.

Even with everything I've learned since then about interpersonal effectiveness, though, I still freak out (internally) in unfamiliar situations or when someone trains a camera on me.

 

[nexion]

I smile sometimes. People who know me well barely bother asking me to do so anymore.

 

[Vidi]

Smiling is just another type of communication. I smile, but the problem is that people require their communication spelled in capital letters (or is it the bigger type?), and require a proper grin, the toothier the better. Businesses are notorious about that. It is quite a physical effort to sustain such smile and I feel a hypocrite besides. When I smile, the #4 (OP) follows. So I avoid customer related wonderful work opportunities like a plague.

 

[MichiganJFrog]

people require their communication spelled in capital letters (or is it the bigger type?), and require a proper grin, the toothier the better. Businesses are notorious about that.

Even libraries are jumping on the happy-face bandwagon. The other day, someone tweeted, "The era of the introverted librarian is over." It had a decidedly genocidal ring to it.

In the corporate world, though, I'm starting to see some ways around it. Unfortunately, it seems like you still need an understanding extravert on your side.

 

[Words]

^If you're the boss or an original and independent producer and systemizer of goods, you don't need to think in those terms.

 

[Vidi]

@Words

This is one way, of course, but some seemingly independent occupations have hidden 'hazards' like, when you have to persuade a client/buyer/investor. Smiling then is not an issue, but when everything depends on someone approving project/produce and building cases with tons of data, having to deal with heaps of bureaucratic time wasting nonsense on the side as a regular part of the job, it rankles to be honest, and what is even worse it resembles a rat race. It is probably off topic , but I strongly dislike persuading other people in general, and even more if my livelihood is at stake. Constantly.

Even libraries are jumping on the happy-face bandwagon. The other day, someone tweeted, "The era of the introverted librarian is over." It had a decidedly genocidal ring to it.

In the corporate world, though, I'm starting to see some ways around it. Unfortunately, it seems like you still need an understanding extravert on your side.

I think what's going on is homogenization of customer service representatives sector. I think it is quite a paradox when businesses exploit human -->customer psychology to strip actual employee of their own personality (smile or you're fired), which is somewhat dehumanizing in my opinion, homogeneity and all.
And I try to imagine if someone who is introvert, and actually wants to be a librarian, but is forced to fake his personality.. isn't it like saying by default how you have to feel then?

 

[redbaron]

In short, it sets me off unreasonably quick when people do this. It's such an inappropriate and invasive question. I can only see it being asked out of stupidity and sheerly superficial, selfish demand for comfort and lack of consideration.

It's most likely a genuine concern for your emotional state. They probably think that by asking why you aren't smiling you might actually tell them why.

I can only assume that this is normal behaviour for people to whom expressing feelings comes naturally. I really don't think the question is a selfish one at all. INTPs are perhaps the least expressive emotionally of all personality types, to other people it might seem like you're upset or brooding when in actuality you aren't.