INTP Socializer's Remorse

[Chronomar]

I have recently experienced emotions that I am not sure about. I will analyze them here.

As a recently joined member of this forum, I have been posting/talking/whatevering lots more that I usually do in normal social situations.

Consequently, I have just now been experiencing what I will now term socializer's remorse (similar to the already-coined term of buyer's remorse).

For me, any time I say, write, or do anything in public, after a day or two, no matter how confident I was at the time, I replay conversations in my head...searching for any faults.

Inevitably, I find them, and then immediately decide everyone who I talked to thinks I am ignorant. This usually moves on to mild paranoia that causes me to self-alienate from whatever social situation that was.

By now (about 1.75 ish days after registering here) I have thoroughly convinced myself that I talked too much and should shut up. Some how, I think this is a typically INTP reaction, but I am not sure.

 

[preilemus]

heh I think its just something most intps have in common. ive been posting like mad for the last 2 days, and just now im starting to maybe realize im overworking myself, and ought to just stop.

what you say also resonates with me in real life social conversations. I always play past conversations over in my head, seeing what i said wrong, or what i could have said better. and ya, if i found that i said something wrong, I am quick to assume the other person caught it too, and i start acting more reserved because im not sure what they think of me anymore.

and just on a semi-related note, since I found this board, my real social life has come to a sharp plummet. I would analyze this further, but you see, I am very tired and not in the mood to invest deep cognitive thought right now.

 

[Ogion]

Yea i know that effect. I often go over and over again through a scene where i said something which might not have been completely clear to understand, and i repeat the scene in my head, always intonating the said in a slightly different way, just to see how one could have understood me and which one of these i wanted to express
It's a bit annoying, since, you know, i can't change it anymore

Ogion

 

[Cegorach]

Yep, 100% INTP reaction. (INFP as well in all likelyhood.)

It doesn't help that I frequently switch between making thoughtful and accommodating comments and acting like the biggest asshole/retard on the planet.

The worst part is when you have already looked over your comment 20 times and attempted to pick the perfect wording before you originally posted and when you reexamine it you find several stupid mistakes...


As for you, I doubt anybody on this forum considers you ignorant or stupid.

So no worries.

 

[preilemus]

Yea i know that effect. I often go over and over again through a scene where i said something which might not have been completely clear to understand, and i repeat the scene in my head, always intonating the said in a slightly different way, just to see how one could have understood me and which one of these i wanted to express
It's a bit annoying, since, you know, i can't change it anymore

Ogion

thats why its much more useful to go over future conversations in your head

 

[flow]

Yes this ALWAYS happens. No matter how sure of my responses I am at the time in retrospect I will have found a better way to have said it.

 

[DynamicMind]

Oh yes. I hate this. It seems like every time I talk to someone I walk away replaying the conversation in my head until I'm picking on little things like how much eye contact I made or the tone of individual words.

Anyone else get this with physical contact especially? For example, if someone gives me a hug I'll spend an absurd amount of time analyzing whether or not I acted awkwardly and the exact technique of it. Eventually I'll just be convinced that I acted like a complete fool and just avoid any more contact as much as possible for a while.

 

[Ermine]

That happens to me all the time! That's often the reason why I avoid conversing more than I need to in the first place. I always end up hating myself for something that I did that wasn't perfect. I always end up clenching my teeth, grumbling to myself, and being overall tense, unless the person I'm conversing with is an inner perfectionist and understands, or is exceptionally forgiving, or something. I seriously need to oust my inner critic.

That expression got me thinking. Is socializing really a transaction for us? A transaction we somewhat regret for some reason? Personally, the whole social give and take mechanism in conversations really tires me. Why can't I be given time to mull over my decision of what I should give or take, make an educated buy or investment? That's a big part of why I love communicating online. Delays between responses are much more acceptable.

 

[Chronomar]

That expression got me thinking. Is socializing really a transaction for us? A transaction we somewhat regret for some reason? Personally, the whole social give and take mechanism in conversations really tires me. Why can't I be given time to mull over my decision of what I should give or take, make an educated buy or investment? That's a big part of why I love communicating online. Delays between responses are much more acceptable.

I hate having to control facial expressions, body language, grammar, sentence structure, politeness, clarity, length of response (don't want to be boring, do we? ) all at the same time. On the spur of the moment. And then having to actually come up with what I want to say.

Total computer communication is the #1 reason for a digitized world.

 

[Beat Mango]

Oh yeah this is certainly me, especially with members of the opposite sex. Back in high school there was a bunch of us that used to get the bus together after school. If I thought I went well in the convo, I'd be happy for the rest of the afternoon. If I thought I was boring or awkward, I'd be really hard on myself. I'd probably be no different now if there was a regular social thing I was involved in like that.

Really I'm much better socially on the internet, or if there's some sort of game or activity we're all involved in, eg, being at a gig or playing cards. Just sitting around talking, I've never really been good at that unless it's somewhat of an intellectual convo.

 

[Fedayeen]

I tend to say the wrong thing anytime it is in words. Sometimes its after, but sometimes even if I think about what I am going to say ahead of time, when I actually go to say it I don't say what I wanted to at all.

I think telepathic communication would solve 90% of my communication problems


And another problem I have is wanting to say lots of different things, but not sure which one to actually say, or in which order.

 

[The Fury]

This is very much an INTP thing, something I thing we all have a habit of doing. I've learned to live with it but whenever I reveal anything emotional to a person, I feel great discomfort.

 

[EditorOne]

"By now (about 1.75 ish days after registering here) I have thoroughly convinced myself that I talked too much and should shut up. Some how, I think this is a typically INTP reaction, but I am not sure."


Yeah. But the nice thing, as you've seen, is that you're among people who "get it," so essentially you still fit right in and haven't done anything to feel bad about because we all know we just aren't that facile with emotions and it just ain't a big thing.

It is one of the permanently endearing qualities of this forum: Nobody to say, disapprovingly, "you're being childish and emotionally inappropriate." Because here, if an outsider were to intrude and point out that we are all childish and emotionally inappropriate, we'd all just nod and say "Yeah, that's what we're supposed to do, so piss off." Kind of like that poster of the musk oxen in the blizzard, a defensive circle with horns out: The INTP forum vs the Others.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

"you're being childish and emotionally inappropriate."

This would be a fantastic signature.

 

[Red Mage]

My god. I thought it was just me.

 

[EditorOne]

This would be a fantastic signature.

Available to anyone momentarily at a loss for a signature. :-)

 

[Fedayeen]

Nobody to say, disapprovingly, "you're being childish and emotionally inappropriate."

Whats that about me?

Available to anyone momentarily at a loss for a signature. :-)

I am at a loss of one

 

[Kidege]

When I read the thread's title I thought it would be something deeper/darker. I mean, I do experience what the OP describes, but I also sometimes get into an odd mood after socializing... I get pissed over socializing, like I blame myself for any possible bad reaction people might have twds me, just because it's "my fault in the 1st place for talking to them".

Will nobody say this is "childish and emotionally inappropriate"? *glares at Nobody preemptively*

 

[Fedayeen]

this is "childish and emotionally inappropriate"

*glares at Kidege postemptively*

 

[Kidege]

Thanks for approving.

(I edited "appropriate" )

 

[Fedayeen]

Thanks for approving.

(I edited "appropriate" )

I don't know what your talking about, nobody approved of that

 

[saffyangelis]

I do this all the time =/

Not so much after conversations anymore though, I've figured they're a lost cause, but after pretty much every post here, I'm thinking, "should I re-read it and edit it?" but half the time I don't let myself, as I know that I could be here for hours trying to get the phrasing /just right/.

I'm not going to let myself re-read this now... =P

 

[Fedayeen]

Succumb to the INTP ways

 

[chocolate]

hahaha yeah I do it too. I tend to think about conversations I've had afterwards, spending much more time on the reflecting than was actually spent during the conversation. I think part of it is my extraversion; I tend to say things sometimes without thinking them through: Ne gets some 'brilliant' idea, E blurts it out. Ti later analyzes and then I get this remorseful feeling that you speak of.

I also get ashamed of a lot of the things I've said here, because on the one hand it seems so small and personal and there are so many things I can relate to, but on the other hand, I know it's all out there on the internet and it's so permanent; I get quite panicky about it, and one day it will probably overcome the fun I have here and I will go away.

I often wish I could go back and say something more intelligent or funny than I did at the time, but the things that I am most ashamed of are the emotional things: in the moment I tell someone something personal and then I feel weird around them after that, like weaker or more stupid or something...hard to describe...

 

[echoplex]

I have probably had ten times as many conversations in my head as I've had out loud. I will agonize over how I could've better conveyed what I was trying to say and wonder just how off their interpretation must be (which is my fault, not theirs). I find that depending on my mood, this will either motivate me to continue socializing (to regain confidence), or to avoid socializing altogether (to avoid further agonizing).

As introverts, I think our early social fatigue makes it likely that we'll give up for awhile until the energy returns.

 

[Chronomar]

I suppose the reaction of analyzing a feeling is an INTP thing too.

I am now critiquing myself for being predictable. *hangs head in shame*.
(and yes, "critiquing" is spelled correctly...strange word, isn't it?)

 

[Fedayeen]

I suppose the reaction of analyzing a feeling is an INTP thing too.

I am now critiquing myself for being predictable. *hangs head in shame*.
(and yes, "critiquing" is spelled correctly...strange word, isn't it?)

let me guess, you thought the word looked wrong and looked up the right way to spell it just to find it was spelled right. (unless you have a spell checker)

 

[flow]

Yeah I also look up word's spelling and definition regardless of how obvious they may be. Damn my INTPness!

 

[Fedayeen]

i do that on occasions

 

[zephryi]

Now I feel a little more normal... XD I probably replay conversations to a fault, often due to the process Chocolate described, except without the E. I'll be talking to a friend describing something, and I'll come up with metaphors and try to relate what I'm saying to something else to get the point across, then the next day I'll think about what I said and realize I didn't describe it quite right and get the urge to tell her that I "lied" and this is how it really is.

And the spelling/definition thing? Same. Does anyone else ever manage to stare at a word while trying to decide whether it's spelled right or not to the point where it looks like gibberish and end up having to look it up anyways?

 

[wadlez]

I get this here just like everybody else here tends to, but interestingly I get this allot in real life and it really sucks. I would really like to know why.

Something possibly related: After working for hours I find that I become heaps more sociable for some reason. Its like the exaustion puts my guard down, I talk without thinking it just flows out, sometimes the conversation is so automatic I feel almost seperate from it. I imagine this is my repressed feeling function or extraverted function.
After conversing like this to people I feel this strange anxiety like the one described in this thread.

Anyway, heres why I think this occurs. Firstly read this qoute from carl jung

The relation between subject and object, considered biologically, is always a relation of adaptation, since every relation between subject and object presupposes mutually modifying effects from either side.
These modifications constitute the adaptation. The typical attitudes to the object, therefore, are adaptation processes. Nature knows two fundamentally different ways of adaptation, which determine the further existence of the living organism the one is by increased fertility, accompanied by a relatively small degree of defensive power and individual conservation; the other is by individual equipment of manifold means of self-protection, coupled with a relatively insignificant fertility. This biological contrast seems not merely to be the analogue, but also the general foundation of our two psychological modes of adaptation, At this point a mere general indication must suffice; on the one hand, I need only point to the peculiarity of the extravert, which constantly urges him to spend and propagate himself in every way, and, on the other, to the tendency of the introvert to defend himself against external claims, to conserve himself from any expenditure of energy directly related to the object, thus consolidating for himself the most secure and impregnable position.

I think when we socialize we are coming out of our shells and exposing ourselves. Later we punish ourselves for this in the form of anxiety, which we deal with using our thinking function.

 

[polarmonk]

I get this a lot in real life too, less so now than I did before. You can get in a real loop in analysing old information for new meanings, to the point when the meanings that you come up with are just illogical. I think that is what makes socializing tiring for many introverts.
That's an interesting quote, wadlez. It makes quite a lot of sense.

@Carnap. Thanks. I'll fix the link.
I can't seem to hyperlink it.. i'll add it to my signature. Should work anyway if you copy and paste it though

 

[Carnap]

I do this so much. I can analyze and replay an interaction I had with a professor or other for two weeks without getting tired of thinking about it. I always say to my friend "how do you think he reacted to what I said?"


Polarmonk, I like your avatar. The link in your profile doesn't work.

 

[bdubs]

I do this much more than I would like to. I could best describe it as a mental replay that becomes increasingly negative as I devote continual analysis to it. Now that I think about it, I seem to have convinced myself that 1 or 2 of my 10 roommates think I am an idiot. I will admit that I have worried from time to time that this forum thinks the same way.

 

[EditorOne]

"suppose the reaction of analyzing a feeling is an INTP thing too.

I am now critiquing myself for being predictable. *hangs head in shame*. "

You are only predictable to us. The rest of the world probably finds you, let's see, aloof, inscrutable and occasionally condescending, even if you haven't said a word to anyone for seven days in a row.



Many of us figured out a long time ago we might as well just accept that we are misunderstood most of the time and understood in here to the point where we have no secrets. And then we just get on with it, eager to see what's going to happen next.

 

[brain enclosed in flesh]

okay, so I was having a few doubts about me being INTP until I read this. Now I am positive. I could have written every single one of these.

This might seem off topic, but I don't think it is- anyone here wondering if they have Asperger's, or have it? Because I've been mulling it over for a couple of months, but now that I've discovered this whole INTP concept, I kind of feel like, who cares? Why give a diagnosis to something that seems to be more a personality profile than anything? I mention this now because it has to do with socializing and socializing being so difficult.

 

[brain enclosed in flesh]

I often wish I could go back and say something more intelligent or funny than I did at the time, but the things that I am most ashamed of are the emotional things: in the moment I tell someone something personal and then I feel weird around them after that, like weaker or more stupid or something...hard to describe...

This especially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar for this. Or maybe because I'm bipolar I did this a lot and it made me lose it because I couldn't deal with all of this displaying of emotion. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. Athough, believe me, I've given it LOTS of thought.

Well, this is it: I was told by someone that I was too much of a brain and I needed to expose my heart more, because this would improve things in my life, make me grow as a person. So I decided that I would and I did. I kept on doing it because it was supposed to help, even though it was destroying me internally because I felt like such an idiot and I couldn't stop obsessing over my displays of emotion and how others would perceive me now. Basically it screwed up everything in my life, because I had to stay true to this revealing of emotion/ heart concept and I couldn't stop thinking of all of it and it made me hate myself. I don't feel like this makes any sense, but maybe someone else can glean something from it/ relate to aspects of it.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

I've met someone with Asperger's, she's in my year in college and in a similar major so I run into her a fair amount... and let me tell you, run-of-the-mill INTPs don't show anywhere near the amount of social misunderstanding that people with Apserger's do.

 

[brain enclosed in flesh]

okay, so that helps. Of course, now, I feel like an idiot for mentioning the possibility of Asperger's to a few people.

But like how- can you give me an example of the lack of social misunderstanding that this Asperger's person you know has?

 

[Chronomar]

I've met someone with Asperger's, she's in my year in college and in a similar major so I run into her a fair amount... and let me tell you, run-of-the-mill INTPs don't show anywhere near the amount of social misunderstanding that people with Apserger's do.

I can testify to that also. My friend's brother has Apsergers (mildly, apparently) and was even more distant/rude than I was. I did not take offense, but the kid had a friend over and made him cry. Three times.

 

[lucazin]

I'm greatly enjoying that threat. I've been in this forum for a while but I rarely say anything because I thought what I had said before was just stupid and everyone would think I was a stupid after that. The only thing that would probably make it fell worse is that I am not an English native speaker, and I (think I) do many mistakes what isn't a INTP thing (maybe not, but it seems the only thing all INTP descriptions seems to agree).

Reading that really helped. The first I've already mentioned and the second is because I can relate to this (as many others I read here). In my actual mood I've been more introverted and rarely say anything because I think if I say something it'll sound as arrogant or stupid.

 

[Speedy Ghandi]

I've never had this happen to me on the internet but in real life all the time. It results in the socialization I do fluctuating a lot. Some days I'll talk a bit and be mildly-social. Then, a few days later, I'll replay conversations I had on that day of mild-socialization and come to the conclusion I was being something of a doofus. After realizing that I'll become very shut-in upon myself and hardly speak at all for up to a week depending on just how dumb I felt I was being.

 

[Toad]

me too...i don't think neone on this forum likes me...

 

[Carnap]

Where are you from lucazin?

SlyGuy, I have laughed at some of your posts, i think you have a great sense of humor.

 

[XIII]

I'm not sure if I ever had this- but it would be impossible now. I practiced intentionally getting involved in as extreme and bizarre social interactions as possible, which turned down the volume of day-to-day conversations considerably. When you've been Kung-Fu Kicked by a Chinese Gangster and escaped from a pair of mad Sikhs chasing you through Bombay, you stop caring.

 

[snowqueen]

I am now critiquing myself for being predictable. *hangs head in shame*.
(and yes, "critiquing" is spelled correctly...strange word, isn't it?)

Yeah you are, here, but strangely I find this is the only place where I don't fight to prove I'm 'different' or resist being 'alike' or despair at never being 'understood'.

Does anyone else ever manage to stare at a word while trying to decide whether it's spelled right or not to the point where it looks like gibberish and end up having to look it up anyways?

Yes I do! And I quite enjoy when a word just dissembles in front of my eyes.

Well, this is it: I was told by someone that I was too much of a brain and I needed to expose my heart more, because this would improve things in my life, make me grow as a person. So I decided that I would and I did. I kept on doing it because it was supposed to help, even though it was destroying me internally because I felt like such an idiot and I couldn't stop obsessing over my displays of emotion and how others would perceive me now. Basically it screwed up everything in my life, because I had to stay true to this revealing of emotion/ heart concept and I couldn't stop thinking of all of it and it made me hate myself. I don't feel like this makes any sense, but maybe someone else can glean something from it/ relate to aspects of it.

This is exactly what happened to me and why it is such a relief finally finding out I am an INTP. I wrote a post on another forum (Personality Cafe) entitled 'Is it damaging for an INTP to act like an Extrovert?' because of how out of control I felt. It's a month on and I am feeling much better already. I am also using a different way to relate to emotions - if you're interested it's on my 'emotional intelligence' thread - and am so far finding that much more helpful.

 

[lucazin]

Where are you from lucazin?

SlyGuy, I have laughed at some of your posts, i think you have a great sense of humor.

From Brazil...but I am living in Portugal. What really doesn't matter as the language is the same with a few differences.

 

[Toad]

You guys like me? No way...liars...Your pants are smoking from the fire

 

[severus]

Does anyone else ever manage to stare at a word while trying to decide whether it's spelled right or not to the point where it looks like gibberish and end up having to look it up anyways?

Ah, have you ever done that with your name? Horrible!

 

[truthseeker72]

I think we can all agree that excessive self-criticism is the bane of an INTP's existence. It can paralyze us if we allow it. In fact, I've always envied the happy-go-lucky extraverted types who don't seem to spend even a moment regretting anything they say.