How to be an asshole?

[Urakro]

I think I really want to learn how to be an asshole. A person who won't take shit from no one and knows how to deal it back. Someone who expresses their amusing thoughts to others even at the expense of making someone feel like crap. Someone who is able to wreck someone's day even without provocation.

I don't want to over-do it and I'll save it for times when it's needed. Just like those with a really high level in this skill, I don't want to get caught doing it. Pulled most effectively, it makes it look like the other person is at fault.

This isn't sarcastic. This is a genuine request. I find I'm severely lacking at this very common strategy. Perhaps, I'll feel a bit more secure around people with this new-found ability. Maybe just a little bit more invincible.

What is the trick to being an asshole?

 

[Alias]

Not sure how to help, but I guess try to be snappy a lot. When someone says something against you, counter it at them with a snarky remark.

That's all I got.

 

[nanook]

Amusing thoughts that will make you feel like crap, almost unprovoked by you:

I intuit that you have that enneagram nine pattern, you are afraid of your own anger, your courage, your kick ass power, you repress it, in repression it turns into an unconstructive fantasy of destructive revenge, now you can't express it at all, because it's obviously inappropriate.

To put it differently, you are accusative about how other people don't sufficiently take care of your secondary needs, instead of forming strong motivations that can serve your own primary needs. You want them to go out of your way but don't even know where you want to go. In fact they are not standing in "your" way, but you are sleep walking into their way and they will push you aside in a hurry and laugh about your sleepy hunch back posture.

I don't take your fantasies seriously. It's not what you really want, in fact you are way too busy judging those goal oriented aggressive behaviors of others, to see that it's often more appropriate than you think. Therefore you would not be willing to act like them.

One person of your type had no nicer words for steve jobs but to call him narcissistic asshole. The fuck? Steve pursued goals aggressively, but he had a genuine vision that was not narcissistic and to a degree end justify means.

Meanwhile you dream of a world where no one has needs or goals and nobody has to "be somebody" in particular. You want to have no more personality than a piece of jam that doesn't even have a label on it. Pure pristine apathy. And you would direct your anger at those who disturb the peace. Scare them out of your grazing grounds forever. But it wouldn't make you happy, because you still have as much needs as everyone else, although they are repressed into the unconscious mind, and if you don't pursue them aggressively, you are suffering.

It's been said that the ennegram nine needs to integrate into something that resembles the enneagram three.

That's a silly way of saying you need to discover so much goal orientation that you no longer give a crap about circumstantial conflicts that may arise in the process and so you don't try to avoid them, but also that it must be goals that have a social factor, perhaps an animating quality, a suggestive quality that convinces others and yourself of your right to pursue them. Because if it's just eating as much jam as you can, your super ego won't ever allow you to cause a fuzz about it.

 

[Sinny91]

I'd offer you a day in my life if I could.

 

[peoplesuck]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N16rVL_yf0

 

[Grayman]

You mean type 'A' personality? I've always wondered what the A stood for...

 

[Brontosaurie]

I don't think you have what it takes to be an asshole.

If you really want to be a culprit and then blame others but aren't doing that already, i guess you're not thinking straight and are worked up about something. Maybe if that worry continues to gnaw you will become an asshole of sorts, but it won't be pretty or charismatic or advantageous for you.

 

[Tannhauser]

@peoplesuck

That was the most hilarious shit I have seen in a long time.

 

[Jennywocky]

You're asking the wrong people.

I would go find some assholes and observe them carefully. Better yet, try to push them around and see how they respond.

Then go and do likewise.


.... on some level, I think you'll have to turn off some of the empathy/identification sense as well as big-picture focus and resort to more tactical interplay vs strategic. It's easier to be an asshole when you just twist around what someone says to win the point of the moment without regard for big-picture coherence. Also, learn to perceive another person's triggers and enjoy pushing their buttons just to see what they might do.


EDIT: Just watched the video. Yeah, you can't go wrong with that -- classic disdain, taught in just 4 minutes!

EDIT2:

Spoiler

Now, to practice on the forum. Go to the following threads and make posts similar to these:
1. Liberals passing the buck to the poor, again (or any other thread, honestly)

"... and what piece of shit-covered toilet paper did you find clinging to your ass that you copied this essay from again?"

2. NT Women in the Dating Sphere
"That's okay, if I wanted to shred my dick I'd use a cheese grater versus fucking robots all day."

3. Abstaining from masturbation...
"... well, if your plan was to move from occasional sex to utterly non-existent, you've pulled it off. Gratz."

4. thread like "My mom just died, what am I to do"

"... She's a lucky woman, it's a wonder dealing with you didn't finish her off years ago."

Then, if someone whines, complains, or (god forbid) cries, you can offer an appropriate followup like, "I was just being honest, but fine, for you I'll lie." Then tell them how great they are, and how smart their ideas are.

Keep experimenting! Good luck!

 

[Brontosaurie]

It's easier to be an asshole when you just twist around what someone says to win the point of the moment without regard for big-picture coherence.

I think this bit is most crucial, skill-wise.

Some of us have a hyper-active "mental spell-check" that preserves coherence. Most people bring that in once in a while - usually when prompted - but some of us use it so much it almost overpowers the actual content of perception and interaction. In order to be an asshole, one would have to disengage the "mental spell-check". For us skeptically oriented folks it will feel like walking on thin ice or trying to swim when you don't know how. But eventually, you will discover how easy it is to create petty little games and win them, just talking some bullshit. It's not about cunning schemes - it's about stirring up some dirt, eyeballing the exposed opportunities and rolling with one. Then toss it up again to add confusion and remember to completely disregard the feelings of others. Basically just be a stupid kid. You have then liberated yourself from coherence, but others will still try to make sense of your actions and utterances. You're immoral, but people who cannot relate to naked malevolence will have a hard time believing this and will cut you a lot of slack during the slow process of confronting the truth about you. Free asshole rein. For a while.

 

[Urakro]

You're asking the wrong people.

That's true. I don't think I would stay this long at INTP forum if it wasn't the case.

I would go find some assholes and observe them carefully. Better yet, try to push them around and see how they respond.

Then go and do likewise.

I have been working on it. My post in stagename's thread was my third successful attempt (at least to my satisfaction). I was kinda using him as a pawn for my little experiment. Though I toned it down there from my first two attempts which took place off the forum.

Also, learn to perceive another person's triggers and enjoy pushing their buttons just to see what they might do.

That's good advice, and I think that works. I guess the idea is to see what they are sensitive about and try humiliating them.

 

[Urakro]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N16rVL_yf0

That snapped me out of depression. Thanks dude!

 

[Jennywocky]

I think this bit is most crucial, skill-wise.

Some of us have a hyper-active "mental spell-check" that preserves coherence. Most people bring that in once in a while - usually when prompted - but some of us use it so much it almost overpowers the actual content of perception and interaction. In order to be an asshole, one would have to disengage the "mental spell-check". For us skeptically oriented folks it will feel like walking on thin ice or trying to swim when you don't know how. But eventually, you will discover how easy it is to create petty little games and win them, just talking some bullshit. It's not about cunning schemes - it's about stirring up some dirt, eyeballing the exposed opportunities and rolling with one. Then toss it up again to add confusion and remember to completely disregard the feelings of others. Basically just be a stupid kid. You have then liberated yourself from coherence, but others will still try to make sense of your actions and utterances. You're immoral, but people who cannot relate to naked malevolence will have a hard time believing this and will cut you a lot of slack during the slow process of confronting the truth about you. Free asshole rein. For a while.

Glad someone else sees this too.

I was thinking of actual asshole trolls I've known on other forums, and that's exactly how they operate. And it causes exactly that kind of response... people try to rationalize, or negotiate, or retort, but whatever the response, they can cherry-pick just the right word out of an entire post and spin it around somehow to mean whatever they want it to mean and embarrass the victim. It's an amazing skill. People who try to make sense or be reasonable just can't compete.

 

[Urakro]

I'd offer you a day in my life if I could.

See, that's the thing. A lot of people I meet often say "I can really be an asshole when I want to be." Or, "Back when, I was an asshole, and a really big one".

People brag about it as though it's a gift or something. And then, I don't generally get to see this asshole nature, but it keeps me on my toes a bit. I'm always expecting something, but instead, kind of left hanging.

 

[Sinny91]

I'm not quite sure what you are saying there, but rest assured, there's no bragging - it's a burden. I got myself into a social shit storm just the other day - as seems to be a semi regular occurrence for me.

 

[peoplesuck]

surround yourself with sj's, you wont even have to try too offend them. its just natural i gave up on not being offensive with these people because they are looking for anything to be offended by. that or...im an asshole

glad the funny intj guy made everyone laugh
more funny stoof?
http://www.intpforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=2673&stc=1&d=1450153806

 

[Grayman]

See, that's the thing. A lot of people I meet often say "I can really be an asshole when I want to be." Or, "Back when, I was an asshole, and a really big one".

People brag about it as though it's a gift or something. And then, I don't generally get to see this asshole nature, but it keeps me on my toes a bit. I'm always expecting something, but instead, kind of left hanging.

Were they teenagers or something. I never met anyone who thought that way. Genuine assholes are oblivious to their assholish nature. Yes, trolls are aware but they deserve a unique name of their own.

The asshole INTP that you would see on this forum is usually a symptom of intellectual superiority. They believe that because they are a intellectually superior that they have the right to devalue others.
There are many INTP who can occasionally inadvertently break social protocol and insult someone as a result of this but that is too innocent to be cast as asshat behaviour.

I think you should focus less on being an asshole and focus more on being direct and determined.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I think one might want to become an asshole as means of escaping their insecurity.

To be perceived by others as an asshole this insecurity, or plain hatred (based on the sense of injustice or superiority, etc.), plays the crucial role, because it allows uncontrolled outbursts to slip through and hurt others.

If one sees themselves as an asshole, then it's unpleasant, so another mechanism needs to reinforce being an asshole into enacting superiority or the general rightness, otherwise being an asshole would end up depressing.

 

[groovytaxi98]

I can only be an asshole to an entire social group all at once, rather than just a single person. I enjoy creating polarity in social situations, as the drama just keeps my hunger at bay.

okay not really... I've only done it once and I don't exactly find it was worth it in the long run. ._ .

 

[onesteptwostep]

Snack bar, stare, shifty eyes, eat, munch.

 

[Brontosaurie]

If one sees themselves as an asshole, then it's unpleasant, so another mechanism needs to reinforce being an asshole into enacting superiority or the general rightness, otherwise being an asshole would end up depressing.

One of my two asshole acquiantances uses the simple but very effective "selfishness is the fundamental nature of life so when i'm repeatedly being an insufferable dickhead it just means i'm more true than others".

Seems to 'work' for him.

Other kinds of asshole are of course possible. One is the rigid rule-obeying kind and they can be dangerous too, albeit less profound.

 

[nanook]

I wish i would have at least the social freedom that a telephone pranker has. I watch Ownage Pranks sometimes. I don't even dare to show up in something like chat roulette. I am too afraid of experiencing my own feelings, reactions to how other people react to me, rejection, my superego. I am also somewhat afraid of my anger getting overhand, but i don't think this is the main issue for me. Not sure though. At least i have practiced showing my angry side to the internet, on many occasions, for about a decade. The Nine is at least part of my tritype setup.

 

[Jennywocky]

Well, along with those kinds of experiences -- To be honest, while watching shows like Jackass (where someone is being intentionally trolled / pissed off to see what they do on film), I will be laughing pretty hard but also feeling extremely uncomfortable. I don't think I could bring myself IRL to piss someone off like that. It's a little less of a problem on a forum, especially if it's known for people to play personas anyway; there's already a buffer in place (any ill effects will reside only a forum and do not impact a personal connection), and things can't be taken quite as seriously.

 

[Fleur]

If you're going for the smug nerd type of asshole, then just hang around the forum.

 

[WALKYRIA]

ok

- First, you are preferably a man. Women are generally more like bitches but the origin of the behavior is the same(=social power and privilege).
- Second, you have social power.( Depends on the kind of crowd/social environement; generally outstanding looks, academic success, financial success, a recognizable talent, social power= a leader of people or team... or combination of the above.).
- You use the social power and its leverage to act like whatever you please because you are special afterall !
- Because of the talent /success you have to begin with, people will expect you to act like an asshole.

Main reason why people love assholes is because they come with overt or covert " social power"; even if you don't directly see it, you know that they somehow have it otherwise they wouldn't behave like assholes(they could get their ass kicked afterall)... So what you really need to have is social power of any sort first; and then you can act like an ass once you'r have the power over people.
Ever seen how people who were once nice and polite changed into assholes with success or celebrity? Lol, human nature...

So if you don't have the power, you still can pretend that you have "high social value our status or standing"... Mainly by emulating the behaviors of the rich and powerful(basically being overconfident, arrogant and delusional) of your local scene. But harder though... and silly.

Being an asshole is really a byproduct of being powerful/succesful/popular depending on the scene, so faking it is kind of delusional... and could get the reverse effects
The benefits of being an asshole are triple: Intimidation of rivals( People don't mess with you and thus respect you and are nice with you because they know that you know plenty of people.); you get girls more than anyone else around you( Because power is - as quoted by henry kissinger - the greatest aphrodisiac afterall, and it has been proved many times); you conquer the world and achieve your goals easily.

 

[Bogart]

I think I really want to learn how to be an asshole. A person who won't take shit from no one and knows how to deal it back. Someone who expresses their amusing thoughts to others even at the expense of making someone feel like crap. Someone who is able to wreck someone's day even without provocation.

I can show you all of it but the "without provocation" part. That's 100% up to you.

 

[Sinny91]

#Emulate bogart.

 

[EditorOne]

Watch any speech by Donald Trump. He's got it figured out.

 

[Cloud]

I think I really want to learn how to be an asshole. A person who won't take shit from no one and knows how to deal it back. Someone who expresses their amusing thoughts to others even at the expense of making someone feel like crap. Someone who is able to wreck someone's day even without provocation.

I don't want to over-do it and I'll save it for times when it's needed. Just like those with a really high level in this skill, I don't want to get caught doing it. Pulled most effectively, it makes it look like the other person is at fault.

This isn't sarcastic. This is a genuine request. I find I'm severely lacking at this very common strategy. Perhaps, I'll feel a bit more secure around people with this new-found ability. Maybe just a little bit more invincible.

What is the trick to being an asshole?

You don't willingly become an asshole. It won't help your insecurity. It'll hurt more.

But if you still feel like messing up your life, just get yourself into more negative situations and thoughts. Hurt yourself, make others hurt you, get to know them by being that naive person you're now (oh yeah, that's a treasure nowadays, people will gather around you like wasps if you open yourself enough). You won't realize how much of a piece of human garbage will you become in no time. You may consider a close relative's suicide or sth alike as your asshole diploma that will guarantee you a false sense of security to face/deal with such a harsh world...

 

[Happy]

I think when you say you want to be an asshole, you're really saying you want to be a sociopath.

.... on some level, I think you'll have to turn off some of the empathy/identification sense as well as big-picture focus and resort to more tactical interplay vs strategic. It's easier to be an asshole when you just twist around what someone says to win the point of the moment without regard for big-picture coherence. Also, learn to perceive another person's triggers and enjoy pushing their buttons just to see what they might do.

Here's a good place to start. Also, suppressing your conscience would help considerably. The ability to manipulate people through carefully planned interactions will come with practice. Observe interactions between others, identify opportunities (not necessarily instances) for manipulation and learn how to create those opportunities yourself. Finally, learn to lie (the key to lying is to convince yourself of the lie's truth).

These will all be helpful in becoming an 'asshole' or sociopath, but just be aware of what you're getting yourself into. It's quite easy to trap yourself in a web of lies and self-delusion.

 

[PaulMaster]

I'm pretty sure I'm an asshole. I dont really mean to be though. If you want to become one on purpose, it's like anything else, you'll have to practice.

 

[Patroclaws]

You don't willingly become an asshole. It won't help your insecurity. It'll hurt more.

Exactly, you can't willingly become an asshole. To be a true asshole, you have to be selfish enough, heartless enough that you do asshole things without thinking about it. If you're going around being rude to people while at the same time chastising yourself for doing it, you won't get far in your assholery. There's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Aim for the former. The latter takes too much energy and it's a recipe for disaster.

I think the trick is not to strive towards being asshole but to just...let yourself be rude if you get the urge. If you need to yell at a bitch, yell at a bitch. Don't think about the consequences, because you don't care if the person thinks you're rude.

 

[Intolerable]

ok

- First, you are preferably a man. Women are generally more like bitches but the origin of the behavior is the same(=social power and privilege).
- Second, you have social power.( Depends on the kind of crowd/social environement; generally outstanding looks, academic success, financial success, a recognizable talent, social power= a leader of people or team... or combination of the above.).
- You use the social power and its leverage to act like whatever you please because you are special afterall !
- Because of the talent /success you have to begin with, people will expect you to act like an asshole.

Main reason why people love assholes is because they come with overt or covert " social power"; even if you don't directly see it, you know that they somehow have it otherwise they wouldn't behave like assholes(they could get their ass kicked afterall)... So what you really need to have is social power of any sort first; and then you can act like an ass once you'r have the power over people.
Ever seen how people who were once nice and polite changed into assholes with success or celebrity? Lol, human nature...

So if you don't have the power, you still can pretend that you have "high social value our status or standing"... Mainly by emulating the behaviors of the rich and powerful(basically being overconfident, arrogant and delusional) of your local scene. But harder though... and silly.

Being an asshole is really a byproduct of being powerful/succesful/popular depending on the scene, so faking it is kind of delusional... and could get the reverse effects
The benefits of being an asshole are triple: Intimidation of rivals( People don't mess with you and thus respect you and are nice with you because they know that you know plenty of people.); you get girls more than anyone else around you( Because power is - as quoted by henry kissinger - the greatest aphrodisiac afterall, and it has been proved many times); you conquer the world and achieve your goals easily.

This is probably true. It makes me wonder how many people I knew growing up who were assholes who were socially bankrupt. I can't think of anyone.

It also ties in well to the gratification schema of social acceptance. Ex: Someone who has failed to achieve social acceptance with the least risky options certainly is not going to attempt the most risky options.

 

[RaBind]

Just be inconsiderate of everyone. Pretty sure eveyones an asshole some way or another. It's a bit like being offensive, you won't be able to completely avoid being an asshole even if you wanted to soneone's goona find a reason to call you an asshole.

 

[Cherry Cola]

I think I really want to learn how to be an asshole. A person who won't take shit from no one and knows how to deal it back. Someone who expresses their amusing thoughts to others even at the expense of making someone feel like crap. Someone who is able to wreck someone's day even without provocation.

I don't want to over-do it and I'll save it for times when it's needed. Just like those with a really high level in this skill, I don't want to get caught doing it. Pulled most effectively, it makes it look like the other person is at fault.

This isn't sarcastic. This is a genuine request. I find I'm severely lacking at this very common strategy. Perhaps, I'll feel a bit more secure around people with this new-found ability. Maybe just a little bit more invincible.

What is the trick to being an asshole?

Drugs can do this for you! Only semi joking, when I was taking methylphenidate daily (prescription) it made me less empathic, more confident, and emotionally tougher; also funnier, more social, and more fun. If your baseline is pretty meek like mine it can work. It gets you into the moment more, and stop analyzing everything constantly.

But really, its hard to give a straight answer without knowing what your baseline is, whats your social roles? How do you act naturally? What are your issues in life? blablabla.. well some kind of background to this, why do you need to be an asshole? Or well I can see why, it is a useful thing to be able to pull out when the situations demands it, especially when dealing with assholes who also happen to be stupid, but why do you specifically want to be able to do it? :O

 

[Yellow]

The following may appear satirical, and by no means would I follow this advise myself (because I don't want to become an asshole), but it's the best roadmap to #assholelife that I can think of.

You can't become an asshole without becoming an asshole (profound, I know).

What makes a person a not-asshole is concern for the social consequences of your actions. Whether the consequences holding you back are retaliation, hurting another person, or general bad karma, you are holding back for a reason. You have to let go of your motivation to treat others with dignity and respect. You have to see those around you as "less-than", unworthy objects, powerless, spineless, inconsequential, and entirely inferior. You must set yourself apart and above the rest of humanity.

Once you've accomplished this, you will have shed the burden of conscientiousness. You'll be free from your feelings of empathy, social responsibility, and need for good-will.

Perhaps some exercises will help you on your way.

Begin with an undesirable demographic -- one that you have weakened regard for anyway. This may be a specific gender, race, religion, class, etc. Rather than giving individuals from this demographic any "benefit of the doubt", project all of your negative feelings about the demographic on each individual representative you meet. Work on building a confirmation bias against them all. Think of them as less than human, or at least less than yourself. Eventually, turn theory into practice and start treating them poorly. BE subtle in mixed company, and more overt when alone with one of these people, or in the presence of others who you think may be somewhat likely to let your behavior slide. It'll make you feel increasingly powerful, and reduce the chances that anyone will confront you on your behavior while you're in this transitional stage.

Once you have a bigot's contempt for one group underway, choose another demographic, and another. Practice with these groups until you're able to apply your new mindset to everyone you meet.

In no time, you'll have the freedom to behave anyway you please (within the confines of the law). Though, you'll find that if you excel in your asshole studies, you'll get away with some atrocious behavior. When you make people feel powerless, they're less likely to protect themselves or others from your actions. They're more likely to focus on either appeasing or avoiding you, rather than combating you.

 

[Urakro]

Observing people by opportunity, and keeping an open mind, I think it might be a safe conclusion to make that the majority of people may be a little misunderstood. Alongside that, it can be observed that a lot of people exude confidence in knowing a person by first impression; in a mild subtle way, people often think they are apt in reading thoughts and feelings with overgeneralized methods. (Yet even that preceding assumption may fall in it's own category).

People are complicated, and their essence is bottle-necked in the simplicity of the communication that is used. It's not enough that a person shows one opinion or characteristic, as there is high plausibility of alternatives which also reside in that individual making communication ineffective of delivering the entire picture. Then of course, translation is also lost in the rendering of the receiver, as he fits the context of the message to his own subjective understanding. I still think people may be a collection of archetypes, of which some taking a little more preference, and on the outside yet, a distinct look and character.

 

[Yellow]

^^^ *sigh* you'll never achieve asshole-ity if you keep this up.

 

[green acid]

1. Feel contrary to everything and everyone. This shouldn't be hard if you are an INTP, unless you have a lot of enneagram 9.
2. Express contrariness at all times.
3. Habitually break the law.
If you can make it to step three, most people in the community will refer to you by the very WORD asshole. Most big league assholes that I have known aren't INTP, we're generally too disinterested in selfish, aggressive behavior.

 

[Sinny91]

1. Feel contrary to everything and everyone. This shouldn't be hard if you are an INTP, unless you have a lot of enneagram 9.
2. Express contrariness at all times.
3. Habitually break the law.
If you can make it to step three, most people in the community will refer to you by the very WORD asshole. Most big league assholes that I have known aren't INTP, we're generally too disinterested in selfish, aggressive behavior.

Cept for a 9w8.

 

[green acid]

I see what you mean, my enneagram tritype is 5w4,9w1,4w3. I don't have much 8, but the 4 occasionally gets sort of emo.

 

[redbaron]

Work in corporate.