How can I be less socially awkward?

[The Architect]

This is my first post, so I'd like to start by saying hello! Recently, at least over the past couple of years (I'm 19 by the way), I have been very curious about my personality in general, and I've been sort of studying myself, how I think and act. About a few months ago I took a personality test after someone suggested it to me, and learned that I am an INTP. After reading about it, it completely blew my mind, it helped me learn a lot about myself. However, I have always hated certain aspects of my personality, and I would like to try to fix them. Most of all I hate having the social skills equivalent to an eight year old. I have read that for INTP's, social skills don't fully develop until your 40's which is deeply saddening if it's true. I observe other people in social situations and I am in awe at their social abilities in general, I really feel like the odd man out. I get very intimidated when people ask me a very direct question because I can't cover up my true feelings. I like the idea of being quiet and chameleon-like, and acting different around certain people to complement their personality in that it avoids all conflict. The problem is, I don't like being viewed as the quiet person that never has an opinion about anything, and I think people sometimes get the wrong impression. I also hate being very immature about hiding my emotions, constantly trying to avoid showing my true feelings and opinions and having trouble finding something else to say to cover it up. I would like to be a little more outgoing, but it is too frightening, I want to lose the fear of showing my emotions. How can I develop my Fe?

 

[KazeCraven]

My suggestion: use your Ne.

Here is a description that goes into detail about the cognitive functions: http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html

In short, learn a bit about everything, give the most interesting responses you can come up with, and try focusing on one individual at a time. Details and refinement comes with experience and repeated failed socialization attempts.

 

[EditorOne]

" However, I have always hated certain aspects of my personality, and I would like to try to fix them. "

Back up two steps: Your personality is not broken. Therefore we're not talking about getting fixed.


Now we can move forward: If you want to know how to fit more gracefully into social situations without drawing attention to yourself, that's another thing entirely.

It's important to grasp that a great many people are not like us: They like to talk about themselves. Therefore the very easiest way to mark time socially is to keep the conversation focused on the other people, asking what they do, what they like, what they think about blah blah blah. I have given this advice before, even though it sounds both old fashioned and too simple: Get a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. One could change the title: "How an INTP Can Interact Socially Even Without Any Desire to Influence Anyone." It is an excellent insight and a practical guide.

Any time the questions are diverted back to you, you can either answer factually "I am a student" and come right back with a question shifting it to them, or, for more underlying questions, just say "Look, most of my life is in my head and it's quite boring, I'd rather talk to people who actually have an outside life" and move along that way.

Emotional responses: If you're not sure what an emotional response should look like, don't make one. Just shrug and say "look, sorry, my natural reaction to all that is 'isn't that interesting?' Working out how I feel about it in terms that aren't simpleminded will take me a while longer." Assuming the topic isn't stunningly universal, like cannibalism. Horror would be the appropriate emotion, even though, really, you might be thinking "Isn't that interesting?"

Others will be along shortly to help out, I'm sure. We've all been there. Just take solace in the reality that most people are far more interested in themselves than in you.

 

[Thaklaar]

Learn to make small talk. This isn't easy or natural for many of us, but for more social types it's an important bonding ritual - akin to grooming rituals in ape societies. Pay attention to the rules and conventions of "normal" casual conversation - even though they seem dumb and pointless.

Force yourself into social situations. Start with something safe, a club or discussion group around one of your interests (if you can't find something like this, try Toastmasters. This is what they're there for. I've never tried them, but I've heard others say they've helped.) But don't allow yourself to spend all of your time on the "geeky" bits. Ask people about themselves and pay attention to the answers. Like EditorOne said, most people like to talk about themselves. Make yourself try to imagine what people are thinking, or especially, feeling. You won't be particularly accurate at first, but the important thing is to make that a habit of your thought process.

This isn't about being phony or manipulative or changing who you are. It's just...exercising a muscle you haven't used much. And it's obvious from your post that it's a muscle you really want strengthened.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

The advice above is good and in general works well. Once mastered, you will be asking yourself 'how can I possibly make the intrinsically boring interesting?'

 

[Thaklaar]

The advice above is good and in general works well. Once mastered, you will be asking yourself 'how can I possibly make the intrinsically boring interesting?'

That's not necessarily true. I don't think any of us or the OP were talking about a transformation into social butterflyhood, just more socially functional. I'm never going to be fully comfortable dealing with feeeelings, but the ability to recognize when my wife is pissed off at me or to talk to new people without sounding like an alien robot have stood me in good stead.

 

[Fallenman]

Its interesting because this has actually been one of my main concerns recently. I actually have developed my social functions well enough to know that most people like to talk about themselves and so I just ask them a thousand questions. Problem is that I want to have substance. I want to have some function, some role to play in social circles. I can't be the guy who asks you questions, I want to have something more. Opinions, likes, strengths and weaknesses lol.

These seem like things I should know about myself, but in all honesty they aren't things I really do know. Generally what I do know is what I DON'T like, and I don't really form opinions about small things, usually my topics are a little beyond the norm. I don't know... It's just frustrating because as of right now, my method of socialization allows for people to tell me about their lives, not live them with me, which is something I really want right now.

 

[ApostateAbe]

This is my first post, so I'd like to start by saying hello! Recently, at least over the past couple of years (I'm 19 by the way), I have been very curious about my personality in general, and I've been sort of studying myself, how I think and act. About a few months ago I took a personality test after someone suggested it to me, and learned that I am an INTP. After reading about it, it completely blew my mind, it helped me learn a lot about myself. However, I have always hated certain aspects of my personality, and I would like to try to fix them. Most of all I hate having the social skills equivalent to an eight year old. I have read that for INTP's, social skills don't fully develop until your 40's which is deeply saddening if it's true. I observe other people in social situations and I am in awe at their social abilities in general, I really feel like the odd man out. I get very intimidated when people ask me a very direct question because I can't cover up my true feelings. I like the idea of being quiet and chameleon-like, and acting different around certain people to complement their personality in that it avoids all conflict. The problem is, I don't like being viewed as the quiet person that never has an opinion about anything, and I think people sometimes get the wrong impression. I also hate being very immature about hiding my emotions, constantly trying to avoid showing my true feelings and opinions and having trouble finding something else to say to cover it up. I would like to be a little more outgoing, but it is too frightening, I want to lose the fear of showing my emotions. How can I develop my Fe?

I had this problem, and I still have this problem to some extent, but it really does get better with time. I would say that your 40's is considerably late to develop such an essential set of skills. That will be true only if you are stuck in the patterns of a typical nerd or recluse. But, you learn to socialize the same way you learn anything else--by actually doing it--so speed up the process and learn before you turn 40. You are not going to read a book and learn it, nor is there any specialized support group to effectively help you. You just need to do it. Dress normally, groom normally, and join a few groups. It doesn't matter what kind of groups they are--academic groups, athletic teams, hobby clubs, game clubs, etc. A few suggestions: martial arts school, paintball club, Ultimate Frisbee team, weight loss group, chess club, fraternity, study group, yoga class, dance class, RPG club, LAN parties--anything you are interested in has a few groups.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is to live in a house with many housemates, not in an apartment by yourself. That way, you have people around you every day and every waking hour.

When you socialize, then just talk and listen. If you don't know what to say, then it might be because you fear saying the wrong thing and embarrassing yourself. You shouldn't say just anything, of course, but you really need to take a few risks and go out on a few limbs, but you can say things where the risk is minimal. Ask about the other person's interests, then express your own interest in it by asking follow-up questions.

"Hey there, I am new here. My name is ... I am here because I got a little bored doing [whatever it is you did before]."

Any excuse to reveal something about yourself is what you need. This opens up an opportunity for them to ask about your activities, and it may give them a reason to reveal a little about themselves. Express interest and sympathy. That is how you connect with people.

"That sounds interesting. How did you get interested in that? What maintains your interest? I ask because it sounds intriguing. Tell me more."

Try to maintain the conversation and return every throw of the ball of conversation. If they stop talking, and you are silent, then it sends the message that you are bored or uninterested, and they move on.

Talk with your hands and your face and your smile and your head and your body and variations of pitch, not just with words. That is how you tell people that your genuinely interested.

When the conversation is coming to an end, then tell the person that you would like to get back in touch sometime in the future.

Learn from your mistakes. Did you come off as arrogant? Did you come off as bored? Did you come off as too intrusive? Did you insult someone unintentionally? If you can sense that you are leaving the wrong impression, then be explicit that it isn't your intention. "I am sorry, I don't mean to be... I just have a little difficulty communicating, that's all, and it is embarrassing for me."

 

[Methuselah]

It's a matter of gaining experience and learning how to cope with what you've got, really. Just keep exposing yourself to social situations, and you'll get better at dealing with them... slowly.

That said, becoming friends with ENXPs will ensure that you have a lot more experiences. I find that I am less awkward/have more confidence when I work out regularly. Weed helps people bond, but alcohol is less beneficial than society would have you think (it tends to make people angry and sloppy).

 

[Trebuchet]

Learn from your mistakes. Did you come off as arrogant? Did you come off as bored? Did you come off as too intrusive? Did you insult someone unintentionally? If you can sense that you are leaving the wrong impression, then be explicit that it isn't your intention. "I am sorry, I don't mean to be... I just have a little difficulty communicating, that's all, and it is embarrassing for me."

Apostate and the others above all gave excellent advice. The only caveat I'd add here is that, while you do want to learn from mistakes, you don't want to second-guess every remark in every conversation. It is natural to do that but it does not help at all. Learn from your mistakes, but then also learn to let things go. You don't have to meet other people's expectations, you know.

As EditorOne said, you aren't broken. And if other people get huffy about something you say, maybe it is an issue they have, and not a failure on your part.

I've noticed a lot of INTPs, like me for instance, tend to back away from a social situation if it looks like even the slightest thing went wrong. Being social isn't a matter of being perfect. If something doesn't seem like it is going well, back off a bit and try again.

 

[Jedi]

Wear sunglasses, chew gum, drink beer. Practice daily for optimum results.

On a serious note take KC's advice on using Ne. It is our most charming function.

 

[EditorOne]

"I'm never going to be fully comfortable dealing with feeeelings, but the ability to recognize when my wife is pissed off at me or to talk to new people without sounding like an alien robot have stood me in good stead."

Gets my vote for the most succinct statement of the INTP condition posted this week. I read it and said "Amen!"

 

[snafupants]

at around the same age, i remember being emotionally timid, but over the last five years i have gotten over it (currently in my early 20s). if someone asks you a direct, emotionally probing question, just be honest. say they ask about your favorite music, just say what you feel without superfluous explanation. if you think something is beautiful, other people do too, just maybe not the people you are conversing with at the time. dont shy away from who you are.

question: what the fear in showing your true feelings? emotional drainage? Fear of alienation or rejection? The latter is bull shit. Keep being yourself so that the right people can come along and share in your interests, hobbies, lifestyle, etc. if you put up a facade, thats what your going to get in return; that or some really shallow people. what this amounts to is sort of what kazecraven was saying, combine your feelings and intuition to make sense of emotions and work them into your everyday.

 

[joejoeb88]

I pondered this question for many years (I'm 22), and here's the answer I came to which has been absolutely fantastic for me..

I'm the only one who has to live in my own skin. I'm the only one who has to be comfortable with what I do. I'm not going to allow myself to be uncomfortable because of anyone else.

So when I'm with people in social situations, I talk when I want to talk. I say what I want to say. If I feel like someone insults me, I do what I call "coming back to me," and recognize that I personally just don't enjoy feeling bad. I don't give them anything to feed off and I move on. I don't degrade myself anymore. I don't laugh nervously. I don't fake laugh at peoples jokes that I don't find funny. I always come back to myself and think of how I personally feel about things.


Those embarassing moments that used to absolutely DEFLATE my self confidence just have no effect anymore.

I'll bang my head and someone will laugh (dumb example but you know how horrible that can feel around certain people).. but I just don't react. I don't feed into it, because I'm not going to let myself feel bad because of what anyone else thinks. I come back to me and recognize that IIII dont want to feel bad. I go right back into being myself.

That's the key.. just being myself.

I feel more self confident than I have in years..

Do what you want to do. Do it how you want to do it. Be confident that you know how to do things. And if you don't know how to do them, feel free to admit it. But just do yourself a favor.. don't degrade yourself in the process. Because other people are absolute sharks and they will hop on any chance they can to make you feel bad. And you don't need that. Come back to yourself. Be yourself.

Ehhh, that didn't come out as great written as it feels in my head. Hopefully that reached you in some way.

 

[joejoeb88]

Double Post

 

[quietgirl]

This is my first post, so I'd like to start by saying hello! Recently, at least over the past couple of years (I'm 19 by the way), I have been very curious about my personality in general, and I've been sort of studying myself, how I think and act. About a few months ago I took a personality test after someone suggested it to me, and learned that I am an INTP. After reading about it, it completely blew my mind, it helped me learn a lot about myself. However, I have always hated certain aspects of my personality, and I would like to try to fix them. Most of all I hate having the social skills equivalent to an eight year old. I have read that for INTP's, social skills don't fully develop until your 40's which is deeply saddening if it's true. I observe other people in social situations and I am in awe at their social abilities in general, I really feel like the odd man out. I get very intimidated when people ask me a very direct question because I can't cover up my true feelings. I like the idea of being quiet and chameleon-like, and acting different around certain people to complement their personality in that it avoids all conflict. The problem is, I don't like being viewed as the quiet person that never has an opinion about anything, and I think people sometimes get the wrong impression. I also hate being very immature about hiding my emotions, constantly trying to avoid showing my true feelings and opinions and having trouble finding something else to say to cover it up. I would like to be a little more outgoing, but it is too frightening, I want to lose the fear of showing my emotions. How can I develop my Fe?

You're not socially awkward. You have a functioning sense of decency. Most of those people you see bantering backwards and forwards are either

a) Repeating something they have heard someone else say on some kind mainstream media (read: speaking to conform to how they think they should respond to the situation rather than actually respond truthfully)

b) Being defensive of their "positon" whatever they imagine it to be (usually supplied by the above criteria)

c) Trying to make the other person like them/do what they want/give them something whilst maintaining contempt for the fact that they have to try.


The fact that you do not know how to respond to these insane insincere in_ in_ etc waste of words means that you are still thankfully grounded in reality.

 

[Goethe]

succeedsocially.com

The author is definitely INT, probably P (although INTJ is a possibility).

He looks at socializing from an analytical perspective. Rather than giving you 'tips', he describes perspectives and modes of thought which are more conducive to socializing. I think it's important for INTPs to read this site.

 

[Thoughtful]

Here ya are mate! Now good luck to ye. My suggestion is that ye put it on yer shanty player o' choice and lend it yer ear as ye sail the high seas.

In all seriousness though, I second Editor one's suggestion. I'm not a heavy reader, but listening to the tracks a few times has really helped me over the past few months. It should be required input for an INTP.

 

[Cognisant]

Do what you want to do. Do it how you want to do it. Be confident that you know how to do things. And if you don't know how to do them, feel free to admit it. But just do yourself a favor.. don't degrade yourself in the process.

Come back to yourself. Be yourself.

Fantastic advice.

Trying to make people like you involves being something you're not, which is dishonesty, and nobody likes dishonesty, it’s why nobody like politicians. Better instead to be something like House, Jack Sparrow or Charlie Harper, who are all terrible people but we forgive them because they're affable about it, they’re honest and transparent, easy to understand and thus easy to empathize with.

The first step towards being honest in character is being honest with yourself, who are you and what are your faults, we're not perfect so don't even try to be, the most you can do and the most your expected to do is to try to be a better person, nobody expects you to succeed. For example karaoke, I know I can't sing, but I'll give it a go and I'll sing with the passion of someone who's having a good time, despite how my audience may cringe nobody's going to blame me for being unable to sing because obviously I'll be asking them to show me how it's done, and if it turns out they are the better singer, well there's no shame in being gracious.

Be humble, have fun, don't give a shit.
Put yourself above it all.

Starts singing...

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6XE1XRiLeY

Oh man that's aweful, tastless... FUNNY!

 

[Phoenix Down]

Fantastic advice.

Trying to make people like you involves being something you're not, which is dishonesty, and nobody likes dishonesty, it’s why nobody like politicians. Better instead to be something like House, Jack Sparrow or Charlie Harper, who are all terrible people but we forgive them because they're affable about it, they’re honest and transparent, easy to understand and thus easy to empathize with.

The first step towards being honest in character is being honest with yourself, who are you and what are your faults, we're not perfect so don't even try to be, the most you can do and the most your expected to do is to try to be a better person, nobody expects you to succeed. For example karaoke, I know I can't sing, but I'll give it a go and I'll sing with the passion of someone who's having a good time, despite how my audience may cringe nobody's going to blame me for being unable to sing because obviously I'll be asking them to show me how it's done, and if it turns out they are the better singer, well there's no shame in being gracious.

Be humble, have fun, don't give a shit.
Put yourself above it all.

I just noticed... I do this without even noticing it.

 

[Cognisant]

*duct tapes Phoenix to a lamp post*

 

[Phoenix Down]

*duct tapes Phoenix to a lamp post*

Sorry for being honest! Geez.

 

[Ermine]

I definitely don't claim to be an expert, but a lot of the social awkwardness comes from fear. It's mainly the fear to fail. Stop worrying so much about how well you're doing, and just do. I have spent way too much time sitting by myself analyzing my past social mistakes, and this is only paralyzing and stifles the next social attempt. Most people worth knowing are forgiving of these things anyway.

 

[Cognisant]

Sorry for being honest! Geez.

*duct tapes Phoenix's mouth*

 

[pjoa09]

*duct tapes Phoenix to a lamp post*

damn thats kinky considering the display pictures.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Practice makes perfect. Developing Fe helps too (and practice will actually develop Fe).

I suggest people watching as much as possible.

 

[transformers]

Talk more, think less. And let go of the need to be liked.