Dependent Personality

[Jordan~]

So, dependent personalities (not necessarily personality disorders). Who has 'em?
I'm pretty sure I do. Neediness doesn't strike me as a bad thing, I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be needed.
Thing is, this all strikes me as a pretty not-even-nearly-INTP outlook. We're meant to shirk close attachments, not pursue them relentlessly and value them above all else, right? We're meant to be independent, almost selfish, withdrawn, reluctant to commit... Dependent seems like the exact opposite of what an INTP "should" be. Indeed, the last two times I took a personality test, it came out INXP. INXP is beginning to sound very much like me.
Or maybe not. I'm wonder if this is more compatible with INTPness than is immediately obvious. I know, for example, that people say there isn't an "INXP" personality type, it's just an inability to distinguish between INTP and INFP - but I no longer quite fit either. People also say that mental illness interferes with Myers-Briggs type. I am diagnosed with depression, and my psychologist seems to be pursuing a diagnosis of depdendent personality disorder (I know I shouldn't really be able to tell). Maybe it's that.

Generally discuss dependent personality types if you want. What do I know?

 

[Ermine]

I've seen dependence as a sign of maturity, for an INTP, or for me, or both? I don't know. Anyway, when I was younger, I was extremely independent, even though I rely/relied on my parents for food, shelter, and general raising. I had to do everything myself and I was quite humiliated if I wasn't able to do what I wanted by myself. Now I'm trying to warm up to the idea that I need to depend on people to a degree. I hope I can continue on that trend, except for financial independence. I definitely wouldn't take dependence to an extreme, but I still need to learn dependence as a skill.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

I suppose it depends on the type of dependence, I can understand dependence as being a requirement of co-operation, however emotional dependence seems like a weakness to me. Sure the emotional support of others feels so very good but experience has taught me that it is foolish to rely upon somebody else for one's own stability, and it is an unfair responsibility to impart on them.

But then perhaps I'm wrong, only ever giving support to others and never asking any for myself, like living with vampires who feed upon my very soul.

WTF did all this melodrama come from?

 

[Jordan~]

Of course it's foolish, it drives you suicidal when they break your heart. Thence, the melodrama.

Am I taking on a dramatic streak? Alas!

 

[Tyria]

Of course it's foolish, it drives you suicidal when they break your heart. Thence, the melodrama.

Am I taking on a dramatic streak? Alas!

Emotional dependence can be a very dangerous trait to have (especially if one is sensitive). While you can feel happy and fulfilled by someone else, you also run a risk of having your heart broken by them. That's just how it is with close relationships.

I'm not sure what exactly one can do if they have dependent personality (or emotional dependence). Does anyone think that emotional dependence can be as bad as an addiction?

I think that people are interdependent on each other to some degree. We depend on those that make goods for us, in certain people to protect us, in others to produce food for us to eat, etc.

Even if someone is on a desert island, they are still dependant on the island to provide for them to some degree.

I would say for myself that I depend on others for support and encouragement. I think a strong support system is important to have to provide help and understanding. I would even go so far to say that this forum is a kind of support system in some ways; many people are willing to help each other out, and to help one another in difficult times.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

*cue, ham acting*
My heart, doesn’t break, it just gets smaller.
A broken heart is what an emotionally dependant person can expect.
*ROFL*

 

[Jordan~]

Well, the question is, where do you draw the line between "dependent personality" and "dependent personality disorder"?
I've said before that I think love is an addiction - addiction to a person. I don't know if this is just my own skewed perspective, but, having experienced it, I stand by that description. My experience of love, at least, is that of being addicted to a person. I stopped attending to everything else. Diligence at school - what little of it was left - went out the window, my relationships with friends were put on hold, I even abandoned reason in favour of nurturing my attachment to this one person. I was prepared to give up my last year of school, run off to Canada, give up my ambitions of Cambridge and distant professorship to be with him. Nothing was impossible when it came to sustaining that relationship. Every flaw I couldn't blithely deny ate away at me constantly, occupied my mind during the day and my dreams at night. I felt like I was dangling by a thread, my attachment to him, with nothing else holding me up; already mad and apathetic about it, so long as I had him. And then he stopped loving me, just like that. It didn't take too long to recover; thanks, perhaps, in part to the intensity of my grief and in part to the medication I was swiftly put on as a precaution. After all, for a few days I would blankly admit that nothing would please me more than to die to anyone who asked, General Practitioners included. Fortunately, the 'addiction' had eroded me enough that I was already seeing a psychologist, who helped somewhat. Incidentally, that's why my post count disappeared - I was busy surrendering to emotion.
I can't quite say that I'm completely 'over' him, even now, a month after the event. I'm still haunted by the aftermath of it all, a great deal of which takes the form of my own personality. It altered me fundamentally. The INTP personality profile doesn't quite fit anymore, none of them do.
It's a very different feeling to depending on someone for something. It's not depending on them for any particular end, it's just... having a need to need. I know how destructive it was, but I still want someone else to pedestalise. What I really want is someone who can take it, who won't get fed up of it and reject me - not to change, particularly. Anything but that total reliance would seem like a sham, something less than what I've felt already.
In short, yes, I think it can be as bad as addiction, and just as destructive.

Very sensitive, Cognisant! >
Bahahahaha!

 

[Felan]

Well, the question is, where do you draw the line between "dependent personality" and "dependent personality disorder"?

I have done the same as you. I lived with a terrible woman for a year of a four year relationship that I was ever so glad when it ended, but my love for her blinded me to that. I allowed things to go on that I should have put a stop to. Before living with her everything seemed perfect.

Unless this is a pattern of behavior where you actually fall madly in love time and time again and disregard your own well-being, I don't believe this to be a problem. Love is wonderful and horrifying. Being crazy under its genuine influence is normal and to be expected.

If its just the fear of repeating the cycle then I would say such is a very natural response to pain and recognizing how powerless a person can be when tethered to love. This might be more frightening for INTPs who do tend to put conscious effort into curbing or limiting their emotions.

I know I have loved twice in the way you describe and would welcome it a third time.

 

[Tyria]

I know of what both of you are talking about. I have seen others experience it, and at times I can only describe it as a madness of sorts. In my mind, I seperate those feelings from the ideal of love that I believe in. I think sometimes that we must first be happy with who we are before we can deal with trying to 'make' others happy in a relationship. To be happy with oneself does not mean that there is not room for improvement though.

Jordan, do you feel that you are not 'needed' in the same way in your other relationships as you are in a romantic one? Why do you think that you fell in love with the particular person that you did?

 

[EloquentBohemian]

*cue, ham acting*
My heart, doesn’t break, it just gets smaller.
A broken heart is what an emotionally dependant person can expect.
*ROFL*

My goodness... Cognisant, the Thespian.

 

[Android]

There were times in my adult life when I have been very dependent on other people for even the basics.. food, shelter, warmth etc. I was homeless (living in my car) for about 6 months once (by choice.. long explanation I'd like to avoid)... I never really felt bad about it or less of myself for it.. I think I always knew too that I was in a period of transition and things would change. I try to desire less instead of acquire more as a source of happiness, and that's made it a lot easier to avoid dependence, but I still go through periods where I need some a small loan here and there. I'm not really worried about it and nobody's ever really voiced any concern about it.. I know too that whenever I figure out exactly what it is I want to do with my life, that things will change and I won't have to worry about it anymore. I think a big part of the difference between basic dependence and a dependent personality disorder has a lot to do with the length of time you're talking about. A DPD(not sure if that's the right acronym but whatever) seems to involve an aspect of lecherousness from what I understand too.

 

[Carnap]

I would like someone to be dependent on, not pathologically, but I would like someone to sort of, not take care of me, but at least help me not procrastinate and motivate me in life !

It can be dangerous, though. It depends on who you end up with. They might prey on your vulnerable side. Might make you start to doubt your own perceptions, etc. But if you find someone just, kind, and very rare, I don't see a problem with a little dependence.

 

[The Fury]

I'm a very independent person, I appreciate the people who have helped me out and I understand that we all to some extent need other people but the idea of overdependence is abhorrent to me.

 

[Jordan~]

Jordan, do you feel that you are not 'needed' in the same way in your other relationships as you are in a romantic one? Why do you think that you fell in love with the particular person that you did?

Certainly. Romantic relationships and other relationships are very distinct from eachother in my mind. I dislike the slightest physical contact from a friend or family member, but I welcome it from a lover. I've said to people before "Stop hugging me, I'm not in love with you!" There is a kind of codependence in love that doesn't exist in friendships, isn't there? A friend can come and go without it having too much of an impact on you, while the absence of a lover for just a few hours is painful - uh, for me, anyway. Thing is, I might have been deceiving myself into believing that I was "needed" in any way. Giving myself a false sense of security. At the end, he said to me, "You always loved me much more than I loved you, anyway." Damn, that stung.

I don't really know why I fell in love with him and not someone else. He was cute - that is to say, in personality; I didn't know what he looked like at first. He seemed reliable, cuddly, playful, a little mysterious... Why it was enough for me to be as enraptured as I was, I don't know.

 

[Waterstiller]

At the end, he said to me, "You always loved me much more than I loved you, anyway." Damn, that stung.

Why it was enough for me to be as enraptured as I was, I don't know.

That's a horrible thing to tell someone.

I think that sometimes people offer qualities to us that we are starved for, and when we finally experience them, we might become dependent them. Another world seems to open; a genuine (hopefully mutual) connection for once.


My last relationship was unhealthily co-dependent. She was abusive verbally and couldn't stand being away from me; I think the relationship was the main reason why my grades suffered in my junior year of college. But I couldn't break it off for the longest time because she helped me feel things I never thought I could feel. I think I've learned from the relationship, but who's to say I won't be blind to things again?

Sometimes I wonder why I have to have this stupid ache from time to time to be with someone. When it gets bad enough I actually try to relieve it. It's bad right now.. what's worse is that there's actually this really attractive (in all areas) ENFP girl that keeps messaging me to go do something. This is the first time in a year and a half that I've even considered going on a date with someone.. it's scary.

 

[alierae]

I feel like I would be a very dependent person had I not been forced to be more independent by my experiences. My parents kind of pushed out into the world and told me that I couldn't depend on them for everything and that someday I would have to do everything for myself. I know this is very true but it definitely came too early for me.

Otherwise, I feel like I am still somewhat dependent when it comes to certain things in particular. But, for the most part, I am pretty independent.

 

[dwags222]

i definitely used to do the whole obsession=love thing when i was younger, and i would be horribly depressed for very long stretches of time if things didn't work out with whoever i was "in love" with. now i realize that even though i thought i was in love at the time i definitely was not. wanting a person so badly that you feel like you are going to die without them, seems like what love should be, but i'm pretty sure it isn't at all. hence the quote "it is better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all," which i used to think was total bull-shit, but i think it makes more sense to me now later in life where i have a better idea of what love might really be.