Any smart and creative suggestions are welcomed!

[Vmission]

Do you have a suggestion on how to make more friends? One of the problems with having few friends is that of stability problems. I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria. I have a few friends, deeper relationships of course but less reliable. I think that if i have more friends, then relationships will be less deep and my life will become more stable since it will be less prone to people's mood swings?

As a conscious INTP, the only thing that came on my mind, probably due to laziness in thinking creatively for more solutions is that to E-S my I-N, but seems like a tiresome strategy.

How can i consciously create more friends?

 

[snafupants]

Childhood yields loyal friends. The internet yields like-minded friends.

 

[intpz]

Drop some of your standards.

 

[Hawkeye]

Imagine them.

 

[oscillatingfractal]

Organize a greet-n-meet session near your area through this forum.

 

[pjoa09]

turn yo swag on!


credits : snafupants

 

[snafupants]

Organize a greet-n-meet session near your area through this forum.

That's an excellent idea. Broadcast your current location, chat with any forum members within thirty miles of that location, and take the plunge in real life! That proposal adds flesh to the bone architecture of my suggestion. Hopefully you live in an area fairly contiguous to myriad forum members - i.e., an area accommodating of this plan.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

Do you have a suggestion on how to make more friends? One of the problems with having few friends is that of stability problems. I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria. I have a few friends, deeper relationships of course but less reliable. I think that if i have more friends, then relationships will be less deep and my life will become more stable since it will be less prone to people's mood swings?

As a conscious INTP, the only thing that came on my mind, probably due to laziness in thinking creatively for more solutions is that to E-S my I-N, but seems like a tiresome strategy.

How can i consciously create more friends?

I can teach you how to subconsciously create more friends.

 

[MissQuote]

I have found that letting the in extraverts that meet my standards can lead to meaningful friendships, as well the extraverts are so big on their "networking" that you meet more and more people through them that are potential friends.

My two closest friends (after childhood) are both big ol' extraverts. There was a time when I didn't understand how they could consider me one of their five or ten best friends and have it still mean what it meant to me.

It didn't make sense. After learning about the difference between extraversion and introversion I realised that I really was their best friend along with those ten other people and just because there were those ten others did not mean their dedication to me was any less.

Another benefit of befriending exratverts that meet your standards is they understand that you are not like them, that you are not going to join every get together of thirty people they arrange, and they accept you and appreciate you for that fact, as well they have so many demands on their time because of all of their friends that you are not demanded upon in the same way being friends with an introvert would cause. If you aren't available they have and entire call list of other people to turn to.

Extraverts let you in quickly, all that emotional stuff and detailed personal stuff that it takes an INTP forever to open up about, the extravert opens up about at the start. You can quickly learn which extraverts meet the standard you are looking for purely by their own nature. They will let you in to poke around and get yourself comfortable sometimes upon first meeting, certainly after several get togethers, and they won't be utterly broken hearted (the healthy, stable ones) if after those several meetings you decide to flake off and not know them anymore. They have too many other people distracting them and at worst they will think you were a bit of a jerk and get over it at best they will be too busy to notice and assume you were just busy too.

They will love and respect their one on one time with you and that special place you fill in their friendship needs, and once they are devoted to you you have a long term good friend that understands you and doesn't ring you off the hook five times a day.

So. Search around for etraverts, let yourself investigate them when they get all open off the get go about themselves. When you find the ones that mesh well with you let them lead the acquaintanceship into a friendship and then consider that friendship a polyamorous situation. So to speak. Their devotion to those ten other people does not take from their devotion to you, but adds to it as they turn to you for what you offer and to others for what the others offer, and give to you what you need.

If you find yourself three or four different cool smart extraverts that belong to different groups to become friends with you then have several close friends, that are not needy and who, as an added benefit, do all kinds of networking stretching out far for you, without you having to put in the bother and energy.

I just made half of this up, so don't take me too seriously.

 

[snafupants]

That is a great idea, I live in Cairo-Egypt. Not really sure even if people in this forum are in the same continent. Although I hope this was not the case!

Hopefully you live in an area fairly contiguous to myriad forum members - i.e., an area accommodating of this plan.

Good thing I added that proviso.

 

[Vmission]

That is an excellent idea, and does not require people. Do you mean like subconsciously visualizing yourself having more friends?

 

[NinjaSurfer]

That is an excellent idea, and does not require people. Do you mean like subconsciously visualizing yourself having more friends?

just convince yourself that all the forum members here are your new friends; every avatar does actually represent a unique person

 

[Vmission]

Sounds like a great idea, but the problem is that there is a limit to how much your extraverted friends can offer in terms of introducing you to people in their community. You have to appear as powerful and have as many friends, or make them think that at least, so the relationship can be sustained. There has to be a mutual benefit, more people will be drawn to you from their community if you appear (or have) a community of yourself. The question now is probably shifted to another level, how do you create a community for yourself?

 

[Vmission]

I like self-smart people, especially people who have the ability to fool themselves. People will judge them as unrealistic, I judge them as flexible people. Thanks for the advice my friend!

 

[kora]

Look in your head, there's some lovely people there usually.

 

[intpz]

I like self-smart people, especially people who have the ability to fool themselves. People will judge them as unrealistic, I judge them as flexible people. Thanks for the advice my friend!

You mean people who speak to god?

 

[Absurdity]

I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria.

Well there's your problem.

 

[MissQuote]

Sounds like a great idea, but the problem is that there is a limit to how much your extraverted friends can offer in terms of introducing you to people in their community. You have to appear as powerful and have as many friends, or make them think that at least, so the relationship can be sustained. There has to be a mutual benefit, more people will be drawn to you from their community if you appear (or have) a community of yourself. The question now is probably shifted to another level, how do you create a community for yourself?

the QUOTE button is on the bottom right of the post the person you are responding to's post.

If you click it is makes everything much easier, we don't have to try to sort out who you are responding to ourselves.

I have not found that I must try to appear powerful at all to the extraverts with whom which I have bonded. they seem to have found that in me themselves as a something different than every other persons powerfulness and, often, have helped me quite a bit in understanding my own power as I did not understand it before, as unique to my introversion and good and okay. (and maybe they think I am a bit mysterious and it pleases them to be one of the one's "In" allowed to know more?)

They saw in me something that made them want to keep calling and coming around. Perhaps something different than what they usually get? I do not know.

But that is my point, just because someone is extraverted does not mean that they are necessarily annoying and shallow, often the extravert may have a need for somthing that their other extraverted friends are not offering and they are not aware of how to acquire themselves because it is outside of their natural experience. That is why I said to let yourself drop the cynicism at least long enough to poke around and investigate the extraverted individuals you meet enough to understand them well enough to know if there is something there that clicks and can be built upon.

Another thing: are you sure you are an introvert? Or perhaps just a shy extravert?

Some of the other topics right now are discussing (maybe just thinking about) the actual neuropathic and physiological differences between the two personality types, I am sure there are topics too that discuss the difference between Shyness and Introversion [how they do not necessitate each other or imply each other].

 

[Milo]

The best way to make friends is to be involved in group activities. Join a club, a sport, go to college or anything like that.

Judging people is actually ultimately harming yourself. You can get over your judgments by realizing that everyone is a product of their environment, which means that your judgments are only harming both you and the other person. Most people know what their flaws are, so reminding them only makes them feel worse about themselves.

For the other person, they really can not help who they are unless they too have realized what they are doing is wrong, and if it is just a matter of how they dress, then the judgement is impractical. For you, when you criticize others, you are only making others look at you in a negative light. And, even if you aren't saying it out loud, you are subconsciously creating a biased view of this person and this consciously makes you more aware of their flaws which will most likely cripple or destroy the potential of the relationship.

 

[intpz]

If you wanna have many friends, you shouldn't judge people in the first place.

 

[Vmission]

"Another thing: are you sure you are an introvert? Or perhaps just a shy extravert?"

"Shyness and Introversion [how they do not necessitate each other or imply each other]."

I am well aware that shyness and introversion are not related, and I am also sure that I am not shy. However, from this discussion I came to realize that I may have some extraverted tendencies. Very few people are purely introverted!

 

[Vmission]

And, even if you aren't saying it out loud, you are subconsciously creating a biased view of this person and this consciously makes you more aware of their flaws which will most likely cripple or destroy the potential of the relationship.[/QUOTE]

Very true, thank you!

 

[SnowlyWhite]

meet many ppl...

You should be able to filter pretty fast(ok, it'll be a ton of filtering, but, that's life).

If you wanna have many friends, you shouldn't judge people in the first place.

that's usually easier said than done(I'm talking about judging them in your head, not about telling them straight in the face what you think - that'd be impolite and won't produce anything anyway)...

I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria.

frankly, me too; given that, probably you won't have many friends, no matter what you do. I always thought that I'm good at 3(I scramble when falling at 2 - and 3 includes the current partner if I have one) and when I jumped over 4 I thought I won the lottery(didn't last that long). Talking about very close friends. Friends, dunno... never passed 10 in the same time.

Having many friends and being introverted is probably pretty hard. Add logic to that and... good luck.

 

[Milo]

Also, the people you are most likely to be friends with are the ones you can share common goals with without there being a problem of competing for the same thing. This is why I think so many long-term sexual relationships fail--they only initially have shared sexual goals instead of that and other common goals that bring them together. This is why you are more attracted to those of whom you work with or share interests/activities with in the long run. Then the Coolidge effect takes over and both partners start looking at other potential partners.

 

[Affinity]

When I look back, the only friends I still have now are those I have met in high school. All stemming from the passion we shared for cars back then. After high school, I made a bunch of friends in the rave scene but those eventually died off. I have not made a friend in years and I think it's mainly because I am not really passionate about anything anymore.

The best places I can think of to make friends would be school or some mutual interest activity (yoga, rock climbing, photography, etc...)

 

[Proletar]

And @Affinity goes for the money.

I hang out with music-people. I love music, and so do they. Unlike pretentious shit like visual art, you can actually have an opinion. And unlike precise shit like sports, you can actually have an opinion. Therefore, an exchange can occur between me and my peers.

Get passionate about something, and grow around it. Like two lianas growing around a tree grows better than two lianas around eachother.

 

[shortbuss]

Initiate friendships, and invite people to do things if you think they have potential. Accept invitations to socialize even when they sound sub-optimal. Learn to be tactful so that your company is more appreciated, at least until you get to know individuals more closely.

Maybe try to determine an ideal number of prospective friendships, and how close you intend to become with these people, generally speaking, so you have a more concrete idea of the particulars in regards to what you are striving to achieve. Specific, consciously conceived goals might help you recognize when you have succeeded, and help navigate your actions in alignment with short-term goals with long-term goals in mind.

 

[Vmission]

The best places I can think of to make friends would be school or some mutual interest activity (yoga, rock climbing, photography, etc...)

Excellent idea, and is definitely worth thinking about. Hanging out with people who have similar interests is a win/win situation because you feel that every minute is an investment and not a waste. It is also a great idea for me to develop some passion about something!

 

[Etheri]

The best places I can think of to make friends would be school or some mutual interest activity (yoga, rock climbing, photography, etc...)

I like being nocturnal and reading wiki pages at random, thinking about the strangest things. I'm having difficulties making friends with similar interests concerning this activity.

While passions are good, I find it difficult to be truly passionate about 'one thing', or even truly passionate about everything. I'm just mildly interested in everything... Is it a lack of motivation?

(On a sidenote, I manage to make friends, I just feel I lack a certain kind of very close friend for the time being.)

 

[Vmission]

Initiate friendships, and invite people to do things if you think they have potential.

I like how you look at it, strategic placement!

Accept invitations to socialize even when they sound sub-optimal. Learn to be tactful so that your company is more appreciated, at least until you get to know individuals more closely.

Sounds like an excellent strategy, but I hate it when some people interact with you while they have implicit-biased assumption about you that you can see. For example: I ask a co-worker about something at work. He says, "Are you still having difficulty dealing with the problem?" - I'm like (to myself) "Why do you presume that I am having problems?" Is it because it makes you feel better about yourself, to make it seem like you are better than I am? How can I be tactful in such situations?

Maybe try to determine an ideal number of prospective friendships, and how close you intend to become with these people, generally speaking, so you have a more concrete idea of the particulars in regards to what you are striving to achieve. Specific, consciously conceived goals might help you recognize when you have succeeded, and help navigate your actions in alignment with short-term goals with long-term goals in mind.

Definitely right, and worth thinking through. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Vmission]

I like being nocturnal and reading wiki pages at random, thinking about the strangest things. I'm having difficulties making friends with similar interests concerning this activity.

While passions are good, I find it difficult to be truly passionate about 'one thing', or even truly passionate about everything. I'm just mildly interested in everything... Is it a lack of motivation?

(On a sidenote, I manage to make friends, I just feel I lack a certain kind of very close friend for the time being.)

There are people with exactly the same passion you have. They like to collect information about a wide variety of things. Those people would be interested in exchanging different kinds of information.

Is it a lack of motivation?

It's definitely not a lack of motivation, and has nothing to do with it.

 

[Dapper Dan]

Initiate friendships, and invite people to do things if you think they have potential. Accept invitations to socialize even when they sound sub-optimal. Learn to be tactful so that your company is more appreciated, at least until you get to know individuals more closely.

Maybe try to determine an ideal number of prospective friendships, and how close you intend to become with these people, generally speaking, so you have a more concrete idea of the particulars in regards to what you are striving to achieve. Specific, consciously conceived goals might help you recognize when you have succeeded, and help navigate your actions in alignment with short-term goals with long-term goals in mind.

This. Be likable and give them a reason to hang out. I might add that groups of 3 or more work best. Inviting one person over is awkward if you aren't already good buddies.

Also, don't be afraid of rejection. People will say no. It happens.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

Do you have a suggestion on how to make more friends? One of the problems with having few friends is that of stability problems. I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria. I have a few friends, deeper relationships of course but less reliable. I think that if i have more friends, then relationships will be less deep and my life will become more stable since it will be less prone to people's mood swings?

As a conscious INTP, the only thing that came on my mind, probably due to laziness in thinking creatively for more solutions is that to E-S my I-N, but seems like a tiresome strategy.

How can i consciously create more friends?

The highlighted sentence has caught my attention since you first posted the thread; please elaborate on the positive correlation between "deep" and "less reliable."

My insinuation is that your view of friendship is slightly flawed. It is probably a common aspect of "deep" friendships that they are altogether MORE reliable than shallow friendships.

I don't know if this implies that your current few friendships are less deep (or more shallow) than you perceive they really are. You might also have to elaborate on what "prone to people's mood swings" means.

What I imagine is that you come off as such an arrogant prick to even your bestest of friends, that they can only tolerate you when they're in a super good mood.

So my most blunt advice to how you can consciously create more friends is to change the way you present yourself. Already, your definition of friendship is worrisome-- you define it as a criteria for another person to pass. This leads me to believe your view of friendship is entirely selfish and one-sided. Having a criteria at all is very much a "what can they do for me" type of mentality... rather than, "what do I have to offer them?"

I think you should first evaluate what you even want out of a friendship. Then, figure out why someone who could potentially pass your rigorous criteria would want you as a friend. Then, focus more on the second part, what you can do for the other person. Then, start projecting that attitude more. Go out, and do for others what you wish your best friend would do for you. Then, like magic, your best friend will somehow attract to you.

You could also work on your "Fe," as I think this pertains to your empathy. If you know that something you're about to say is going to irritate the other party, don't say it. If you come off as more pleasant, generous, and humble, people will like you, regardless of what you really think inside.

However, I don't know why you would even want more friends if you already have a few deep connections.

Your initial motivation was to obtain better "stability" in your life. I don't exactly know what you mean by "stability," so you could elaborate on that as well.

I highly doubt that making more superficial friends will assist with "stability" at all. I think that finding stability within yourself first will in-turn attract more friends to you.

 

[skip]

I tend to be very critical of people and judge according to high standards, which makes it difficult for most people to meet my criteria.

What are your criteria? Do you meet that criteria yourself?

 

[Vmission]

This. Be likable and give them a reason to hang out. I might add that groups of 3 or more work best.

Very true, from my limited experience I do think that 3/4 is the magic number. Dyads rarely last (up until now at least).

Also, don't be afraid of rejection. People will say no. It happens.

Thanks, it's always encouraging to hear that. In addition, we do not have the luxury of time in life to fear rejections. Fear is a waste of time, and is limiting. Definitely will put your advice into work!

 

[Vmission]

The highlighted sentence has caught my attention since you first posted the thread; please elaborate on the positive correlation between "deep" and "less reliable."

My insinuation is that your view of friendship is slightly flawed. It is probably a common aspect of "deep" friendships that they are altogether MORE reliable than shallow friendships.

Let me explain. As you probably know the human psyche is very complex and people react differently to different stimuli.
From experience, I have tried to attain deep relations with people, they were my friends of course at that time.
Maybe my definition of deep is different than yours but is definitely not superficial!

It starts when we both gradually dive deeper, the problem is that rarely you will find that people operate on the same exact wavelength. This causes a mismatch from the relative position each person has from his current level to the communication at hand. So the outcome is that one person is more exhausted than the other. Whether you like it or not, a comparison takes place. Each individuals analyzes between himself how far away he is from the other person. He/she is able to determine that from his/her current perception of situation and by honest self-exploration. Then each person reaches a conclusion, whether right or wrong, is what drives them to the next step. Knowing that the other person is X and I am either (X+1) or (X-1), will I continue? Of course, it is easier for (x+1) to take such a decision. But as you know the complexity of the human psyche, sometimes jealousy kicks in because the other person cannot accept the fact that things are the way they are. So the result is the relation breaks down, from experience (such people would want to be as far away from you as they can!) Sometimes it works, when both parties accept the current state of their relationship, sometimes it doesn't. From my limited experience it never did, maybe other people are blessed with better luck!

Anyways, speaking of reliability. Do you now understand why such friendships are not reliable?

It could be my mistake that I am not tactful enough to make a future prediction, as well as an accurate estimation of another person's depth to be able to sustain the relationship. I would like you to convince me otherwise!

I don't know if this implies that your current few friendships are less deep (or more shallow) than you perceive they really are. You might also have to elaborate on what "prone to people's mood swings" means.

What I imagine is that you come off as such an arrogant prick to even your bestest of friends, that they can only tolerate you when they're in a super good mood.

It does not imply anything that you cannot understand! Honestly I cannot imagine you as someone gifted in the art of making discussions a pleasant experience for others

So my most blunt advice to how you can consciously create more friends is to change the way you present yourself. Already, your definition of friendship is worrisome-- you define it as a criteria for another person to pass. This leads me to believe your view of friendship is entirely selfish and one-sided. Having a criteria at all is very much a "what can they do for me" type of mentality... rather than, "what do I have to offer them?"

Your advice is highly appreciated, thanks. However, I am not going to continue on explaining because I do not like the tone of your discussion. An advice to you, is that you be less judgmental and more helpful in the future. So when you are in a similar situation people will empathize with you

 

[Irukanji]

The real question is "Do you really need friends?". Friends in the traditional sense, the kind which intrude into your personal space to see if your well being is "ok"? Or do you want acquaintances, people who you can call up to go out and drink with or have a bit of fun but when the sun comes up(or goes down) they are happy to leave you be? If you honestly believe you need friends(or more acquaintances) in the traditional sense, try taking a course at a college/school, even just a short course. You will find like-minded individuals and as long as you appear confident and friendly then people will be attracted to you like a moth to a light.

Keep your ears open and your mouth closed unless you need to, avoid the temptation to correct everybody on every little thing(it is tempting), appear smart but don't appear to "know it all"(it will save you problems down the track). Most importantly, don't get emotionally attached to anybody(you'll have to trust me on this) until you know for certain. And definitely avoid judging other people, just sit and watch like a cat and gather information on everybody in the room but give away very little, even at the risk of appearing shallow. Maybe that's just me being paranoid, maybe you enjoy people knowing a lot about you.

This has mostly worked for me, however I have no real desire to make friends in general but I'm still happy to be the cocky(falsely confident), semi-intelligent guy who sits in the corner and remains silent for most of the class.

At the end of the day, do whatever makes you happy. At the end of the day, as long as you are happy other people might make an attempt to be friendly with you and you can react accordingly.

 

[Vmission]

The real question is "Do you really need friends?". Friends in the traditional sense, the kind which intrude into your personal space to see if your well being is "ok"? Or do you want acquaintances, people who you can call up to go out and drink with or have a bit of fun but when the sun comes up(or goes down) they are happy to leave you be? If you honestly believe you need friends(or more acquaintances) in the traditional sense, try taking a course at a college/school, even just a short course. You will find like-minded individuals and as long as you appear confident and friendly then people will be attracted to you like a moth to a light.

Keep your ears open and your mouth closed unless you need to, avoid the temptation to correct everybody on every little thing(it is tempting), appear smart but don't appear to "know it all"(it will save you problems down the track). Most importantly, don't get emotionally attached to anybody(you'll have to trust me on this) until you know for certain. And definitely avoid judging other people, just sit and watch like a cat and gather information on everybody in the room but give away very little, even at the risk of appearing shallow. Maybe that's just me being paranoid, maybe you enjoy people knowing a lot about you.

This has mostly worked for me, however I have no real desire to make friends in general but I'm still happy to be the cocky(falsely confident), semi-intelligent guy who sits in the corner and remains silent for most of the class.

At the end of the day, do whatever makes you happy. At the end of the day, as long as you are happy other people might make an attempt to be friendly with you and you can react accordingly.

Very practical advice, unfortunately I realized this after graduating from college a little while ago. Definitely Mr. Know it all is undesirable to most people.