What do you think of INFJ women?

[INTPqrstuvwxyz]

I recently went on a second date with an INFJ I met in a sociology lecture. I find her to be really quite interesting and even more so after I found out a bit about her life story. I found out that she was hospitalized in an entirely solitary environment from age 13-17 and then kept at her parents home alone from age 17-20 as a result of an eating disorder and some combination of severe social anxiety/ocd. What I found really interesting about this is that despite not having *any* friends or connection to the outside world for nearly a decade, she's surprisingly socially adept and quick-witted, albeit really silent and passive.

Anyway, long story short, I was curious of what you think of INTP-INFJ relationships. I like this girl because she's clearly suuuuper intuitive (in the psychic-ish way Ni-doms are), but I could kind of start to tell that I have to be really careful in the tone and way in which I crack jokes or counter her points because I can sense that she is defensive and very sensitive to anything that she perceives as criticism or sarcasm. For anyone who's dating/married to one, how do you make it work? sorry the for long post.

 

[PaulMaster]

Im married to an ..fj. Sensitive to critisism for sure. Shes not willing to hear anything about herself. Its annoying as fuck because self reflection isnt in her vocabulary either. Dating isnt marriage, but I just dont play her games. Theres some old quote, maybe from a movie or something, that I employ with her: a strange game indeed, the best bet is not to play.

Shes a good person, though, dont get me wrong. Excellent mother, way better at a lot of the team player stuff than I am (I have no choice but to give her a ton of credit for having to put up with me!). Any friction comes from us being cut from different cloths. Not just type, I imagine, bevause we come from completely opposite backgrounds.

 

[Jennywocky]

I recently went on a second date with an INFJ I met in a sociology lecture. I find her to be really quite interesting and even more so after I found out a bit about her life story. I found out that she was hospitalized in an entirely solitary environment from age 13-17 and then kept at her parents home alone from age 17-20 as a result of an eating disorder and some combination of severe social anxiety/ocd. What I found really interesting about this is that despite not having *any* friends or connection to the outside world for nearly a decade, she's surprisingly socially adept and quick-witted, albeit really silent and passive.

That kind of thing seems common in the INFJ women friends I have, most seem to have some level of social anxiety and needing things structured a certain way or "done just right." However, despite the issues, they are also very strong and extremely independent; there can just be that "wall" of silence where you can't read them and/or they only let things out in a controlled way if at all unless they really know you well and sometimes not even then.

If you're a TP looking for feedback so as to adjust your interactions while interacting, this can be a little frustrating. But if you know them well enough to trust what's going on inside them, then that part works out okay.

Typically dedicated, structured, decent at planning, intuitive feel for people, smarter than you might see from the outside, warmer inside than outside at times...

 

[Sly-fy]

I think my ex wife might have been an INTJ, and the marriage was a disaster. Might even have been an ISTJ or something else. I wasn`t even aware of the MBTI theory back then, so it`s all looking back in hindsight. But I attribute the numerous problems to her numerous mental disorders and personal experiences, and my inability to deal with those properly and my not having been able to see the warning signs before hand.

I in no way wish to generalize any type based on my personal experience with one person who might or might not have been an INTJ, as from my broader experience INTJs are usually a Delight with a capitol "D" to be around.

Though I don`t think that a strong generalization can be made accurately one way or the other, I think it depends on the person.

Though I`m not even 100% sure of my type, as I`ve had my claim of being an INTP brought into question by some.

EDIT: Oh crap, the title says INFJ. Well it`s unlikely that my ex was that type, but like I said I`m not sure at all which type she was. Anyway sorry for misreading that! All I know is that she has a strong introverted feeling trait and is rather introverted... but it could have been the meds or getting off the meds for the pregnancy or God knows what that caused her frequent emotional outbursts.

 

[PaulMaster]

Typically dedicated, structured, decent at planning, intuitive feel for people, smarter than you might see from the outside, warmer inside than outside at times...

I second this.

Except I'd say outstanding at planning. Detail oriented. My boys get some awesome birthday parties! Although, shes a professional event planner, so her natural tendencies have certainly been refined over the years.

 

[INTPqrstuvwxyz]

That kind of thing seems common in the INFJ women friends I have, most seem to have some level of social anxiety and needing things structured a certain way or "done just right." However, despite the issues, they are also very strong and extremely independent; there can just be that "wall" of silence where you can't read them and/or they only let things out in a controlled way if at all unless they really know you well and sometimes not even then.

If you're a TP looking for feedback so as to adjust your interactions while interacting, this can be a little frustrating. But if you know them well enough to trust what's going on inside them, then that part works out okay.

Typically dedicated, structured, decent at planning, intuitive feel for people, smarter than you might see from the outside, warmer inside than outside at times...

Great feedback, thanks. Yeah, from what I understand given the little information she let me have, it was a on-the-verge-of-death type of eating disorder for the majority of those years and I can only imagine a good amount of depression/self-loathing throughout. I could definitely see the overwhelming shame and sheer amount of shit she's given herself as she was explaining why she started university "3 years late" and the tears were welling up. I felt as though I had to keep consciously kicking into my extroverted feeling as to not accidentally say something that would make her blue in the face and there were a few times where I could sense the "don't pull that blunt/sarcastic INTP shit" vibe coming off her. If anything, it was a great character building exercise for me to engage with an intelligent INFJ. I'm thinking of asking her out again and seeing if she knows anything about myers briggs -- I have a strange feeling she probably does.

 

[PaulMaster]

Great feedback, thanks. Yeah, from what I understand given the little information she let me have, it was a on-the-verge-of-death type of eating disorder for the majority of those years and I can only imagine a good amount of depression/self-loathing throughout. I could definitely see the overwhelming shame and sheer amount of shit she's given herself as she was explaining why she started university "3 years late" and the tears were welling up. I felt as though I had to keep consciously kicking into my extroverted feeling as to not accidentally say something that would make her blue in the face and there were a few times where I could sense the "don't pull that blunt/sarcastic INTP shit" vibe coming off her. If anything, it was a great character building exercise for me to engage with an intelligent INFJ. I'm thinking of asking her out again and seeing if she knows anything about myers briggs -- I have a strange feeling she probably does.

Her struggles may trump her type, too.

 

[INTPqrstuvwxyz]

Her struggles may trump her type, too.

Yeah, I think that may be the case for certain aspects of her personality as she seems quite chameleon-like depending on the circumstances/people she's around. At certain points in our conversations, she comes off as a prototypical warm and bubbly ENFJ and the next moment reminds me of my hardened INTJ father. Certainly a quintessential INFJ though. I can certainly see the learned protective mechanisms clashing with the naturally Fe bubbly side of her personality.

 

[kora]

chameleons, can emulate all types

 

[Jennywocky]

Great feedback, thanks. Yeah, from what I understand given the little information she let me have, it was a on-the-verge-of-death type of eating disorder for the majority of those years and I can only imagine a good amount of depression/self-loathing throughout. I could definitely see the overwhelming shame and sheer amount of shit she's given herself as she was explaining why she started university "3 years late" and the tears were welling up. I felt as though I had to keep consciously kicking into my extroverted feeling as to not accidentally say something that would make her blue in the face and there were a few times where I could sense the "don't pull that blunt/sarcastic INTP shit" vibe coming off her. If anything, it was a great character building exercise for me to engage with an intelligent INFJ. I'm thinking of asking her out again and seeing if she knows anything about myers briggs -- I have a strange feeling she probably does.

It wouldn't be surprising, INxx types seem overrepresented in terms of interest in things like MBTI.

One of my INFJ female friends was bulimic, but I never knew until she finally went in for treatment (although she had had a remarkable weight loss for a few years). The thing is that even after she finally admitted it because she was in treatment, she still did not talk about it; it's like shame + need for self-control leads to keeping a lot of information private.

My daughter is INFJ as well. She'll be 18 shortly. I think she's great, but communication can be difficult, and we both recognize that she's very respectful in general on the outside (even though I know what she's really thinking in certain situations... ha) but has trouble just talking about stuff happening inside. Everything is private/personal, and she doesn't naturally release it; I'm more open than she is, but I flex to situations versus feeling the need to tightly control them.

Anyway, good luck... and if she is a decent/level person, she can probably recognize that you're trying to respect her boundaries while still caring, and I'm sure that's appreciated.

 

[LOLZ9000]

Positives from my interactions with INFJ women: Intelligent, good refined taste in arts/literature, independent thinkers, sense of humor, passionate
Negatives: Sensitive/touchy with a tendency to explode and overblow issues, have strong views without considering alternatives or being completely willing to consider a thoughtful counterpoint, hold grudges

 

[Sly-fy]

Negatives: Sensitive/touchy with a tendency to explode and overblow issues, have strong views without considering alternatives or being completely willing to consider a thoughtful counterpoint, hold grudges

You`ve just described all women, more or less.

 

[PaulMaster]

You`ve just described all women, more or less.

hahaha I'll second this as well!

 

[hush]

I'm an INFJ lady-person-creature, although for whatever reason I tend to identify with INTPs a bit, and test as one from time to time.

Being on the INFJ Forum since 2011, all I can say is INFJ women, and men, are just as varied as any other type.

At least in my case though, and I've noticed this in others, I tend to squash my emotions deep down inside. I mentioned once that I have trouble with worrying too much (especially as it concerns the well-being of others), and someone's response was "but you always seem so calm." It's difficult for me to share my deepest feelings, even to those closest to me, to the detriment of communication, relationships, myself, etc.

I can admit that I can be sensitive too, and this is one of my least favorite traits of mine... I am sensitive about being sensitive, lol. I tend to not express this outwardly though. More squashing deep down and presenting a calm face.

I don't speak up much on my own behalf, but I will fight on the behalf of others. I am trying to find more balance here.

I love learning about all sorts of viewpoints and am never satisfied with the knowledge I have. I dislike absolutes and always feel as if I could be missing some vital piece of information that could refute what I think is correct. Thus, I am constantly seeking out and devouring new information, and tend to use terms like "maybe, it could be, possibly, there's a chance," with great frequency. I love making connections though, and bringing seemingly disparate parts together to see a greater whole.

I also tend to lose things easily, especially socks.

These are the ramblings of just one person. I think it's important too, to see someone as just another human being first, and to remember that MBTI is only a small aspect of what makes someone who they are.

 

[Urakro]

I dunno. I just notice that if a guy thinks he's an INTP, then he likely also thinks his crush / girlfriend / wife is an INFJ. And that INFJ's are INTP-destined soul-mates.

 

[kora]

Positives from my interactions with INFJ women: Intelligent, good refined taste in arts/literature, independent thinkers, sense of humor, passionate
Negatives: Sensitive/touchy with a tendency to explode and overblow issues, have strong views without considering alternatives or being completely willing to consider a thoughtful counterpoint, hold grudges

No, they are open minded and can consider all counter points when newly presented arguments are given to them. Once they think they are right and have heard all then they are very stubborn about it I suppose, may discount what you consider "rational" points in favour of something "higher" or more "ideal" (even if they are capable logical thinkers) such as personal preference aesthetic aim or morality, different value system to INTP, who will tend to make morality and aestheticism coincide with objectivity/logic/reason. In any case may not always care for defending it in debate. Soem have developped Ti third function a fair amount and can seem rather INTP in conversation though.

Some will have picked up the habit of exploding, some will have picked up the habit of poker facing. All will have a certain degree of sensitivity/touchiness yes, unlike INFP who actually seem much more relaxed and not give a fuck. (I envy Fi).

Very passionate , monomania. Often prone to magical thinking about passion in question.) Hold grudges yes very much indeed, grudges can become passions like loves.

 

[Sinny91]

No, they are open minded and can consider all counter points when newly presented arguments are given to them. Once they think they are right and have heard all then they are very stubborn about it I suppose, may discount what you consider "rational" points in favour of something "higher" or more "ideal" (even if they are capable logical thinkers) such as personal preference aesthetic aim or morality, different value system to INTP, who will tend to make morality and aestheticism coincide with objectivity/logic/reason. In any case may not always care for defending it in debate. Soem have developped Ti third function a fair amount and can seem rather INTP in conversation though.

Some will have picked up the habit of exploding, some will have picked up the habit of poker facing. All will have a certain degree of sensitivity/touchiness yes, unlike INFP who actually seem much more relaxed and not give a fuck. (I envy Fi).

Very passionate , monomania. Often prone to magical thinking about passion in question.) Hold grudges yes very much indeed, grudges can become passions like loves.

Nice post.

 

[Polaris]

You`ve just described all women, more or less.

Positives from my interactions with INFJ women: Intelligent, good refined taste in arts/literature, independent thinkers, sense of humor, passionate
Negatives: Sensitive/touchy with a tendency to explode and overblow issues, have strong views without considering alternatives or being completely willing to consider a thoughtful counterpoint, hold grudges

Sounds like most men I've known.

 

[The Gopher]

You`ve just described all women, more or less.

Sounds like most men I've known.

Well now we've discovered all humans are INFJ's what mystery shall we solve next?

 

[kora]

God yeah mbti is so vague, I need to stop spouting it. It just comes out automatically now, I've assimilated all this pseudo systemic crap that I can just blurt out anytime. Its almost as bad side as astrology really.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

I dunno. I just notice that if a guy thinks he's an INTP, then he likely also thinks his crush / girlfriend / wife is an INFJ. And that INFJ's are INTP-destined soul-mates.

shhhhh it's all part of Architect's scheme...before long, everyone will be dreaming of their infj harem
it's up to higher life forms like you and i who can see beyond the propaganda to save the world

 

[redbaron]

ye mbti is dum fuk it

save the world

fuk the world

 

[OmoInisa]

God yeah mbti is so vague, I need to stop spouting it. It just comes out automatically now, I've assimilated all this pseudo systemic crap that I can just blurt out anytime. Its almost as bad side as astrology really.

Proclaiming one's disillusionment with typology has become a popular conceit.
You presumably saw and perhaps still see some truth in Jung's types.
The issue for you then isn't the types but what has been made of them - the current forms of overreach and bastardisation, which Jung himself would barely recognise.

 

[kora]

Actually, I gave up on mbti ages ago, but started using the,original functions described by Carl Jung which are much more interesting, still taken not overly seriously though.