Emotions and grief

[Hayyel]

Hey guys, I'm new around here - and I'm also new to this whole INTP thing (I just wanted to post that so you don't call me stupid as soon as you start reading this post).

I only read a couple of things about our type, and most of it makes INTP people seem like they are almost emotionless. To tell you the truth, even my mother often tells me that I'm absolutely not in tune with any normal emotions (she is a very emotional person).

In some respects, I think it is a good enough description - for example sometimes I do have "inappropriate" emotions, like the urge of laughing at someone's misfortune, or even at death. It's not always like that, though.

To give you something concrete, here are two different things that happened to me.

When my grandmother died I never really got into the the grief thing. I rarely miss her, and even when I do I only think about the ways she helped me and the things she taught me - it's not like it happened that much time ago, so I don't think it's a memory business.

Anyways, I barely shed like two tears over the issue.

Then, there is the part where I'm kind of a Harry Potter nut, and when I got the last book and got to the horrible part of Snape dying (I'm a HUGE Snape fan since the first book came out), I cried as if someone was torturing me.

The book thing happened WAY before my grandmother died - and since then I never really cried at all.

So am I just weird, or is this something that happens to "our kind"?

Oh, and another thing in this topic.

I have the feeling that everyone thinks that I can't be hurt or something. I'm generally a shy person, and because of my upbringing I rarely talk back to people, but it happens that they tell me something that really hurts.

So, of course I usually bottle it all up - which more or less comes back out as anger in totally stupid times.

This happens mostly with my parents, especially my mother. As I said, she is a pretty emotional person, so I'm guessing it's hard for her to understand that I just DON'T want to talk about things, but that they are STILL THERE.

I know that she wants best for me (thus her constant need to change me), but sometimes it just annoys me and I wish to be left alone to ponder my feelings in silence. Instead she prods until I get mad, and then I erupt and we get into a HUGE row where we are both hurt.

So how could this be helped? I tried to give her pointers towards what I am - I shared countless of videos and articles to her about introverts, but she doesn't really get it. Any advice?

 

[own8ge]

So far, and as you had described your bare knowledge of MBTI, you could for all I know be an INFJ. I'll be watching you.

About the grief thing, don't bother it.

Welcome.

 

[Hayyel]

So how could I tell for sure? I've been struggling to understand

 

[Duxwing]

Hey guys, I'm new around here - and I'm also new to this whole INTP thing (I just wanted to post that so you don't call me stupid as soon as you start reading this post).

I only read a couple of things about our type, and most of it makes INTP people seem like they are almost emotionless. To tell you the truth, even my mother often tells me that I'm absolutely not in tune with any normal emotions (she is a very emotional person).

In some respects, I think it is a good enough description - for example sometimes I do have "inappropriate" emotions, like the urge of laughing at someone's misfortune, or even at death. It's not always like that, though.

To give you something concrete, here are two different things that happened to me.

When my grandmother died I never really got into the the grief thing. I rarely miss her, and even when I do I only think about the ways she helped me and the things she taught me - it's not like it happened that much time ago, so I don't think it's a memory business.

Anyways, I barely shed like two tears over the issue.

Then, there is the part where I'm kind of a Harry Potter nut, and when I got the last book and got to the horrible part of Snape dying (I'm a HUGE Snape fan since the first book came out), I cried as if someone was torturing me.

The book thing happened WAY before my grandmother died - and since then I never really cried at all.

So am I just weird, or is this something that happens to "our kind"?

Oh, and another thing in this topic.

I have the feeling that everyone thinks that I can't be hurt or something. I'm generally a shy person, and because of my upbringing I rarely talk back to people, but it happens that they tell me something that really hurts.

So, of course I usually bottle it all up - which more or less comes back out as anger in totally stupid times.

This happens mostly with my parents, especially my mother. As I said, she is a pretty emotional person, so I'm guessing it's hard for her to understand that I just DON'T want to talk about things, but that they are STILL THERE.

I know that she wants best for me (thus her constant need to change me), but sometimes it just annoys me and I wish to be left alone to ponder my feelings in silence. Instead she prods until I get mad, and then I erupt and we get into a HUGE row where we are both hurt.

So how could this be helped? I tried to give her pointers towards what I am - I shared countless of videos and articles to her about introverts, but she doesn't really get it. Any advice?

First, a question: Why does your upbringing lead you to rarely talk back to people?

Next, my advice: Your tendency to bottle up your feelings is responsible for your rows with your mother, for like you said, she prods and prods and prods and you bottle it up until you explode. To avoid the rows, you need to express your anger (or at least your desire for her to stop) in stages. Try letting off your steam half-way to your 'breaking-point'.

If I were to be bold, I'd say that your tendency to bottle up your emotions is the result of a prior (or current) inability to express and handle them properly that leads you to put off dealing with your feelings until you can't contain them anymore.

-Duxwing

 

[Hayyel]

I guess it's because I was always told to be polite and well mannered and since I've been bullied as a kid I know how it would hurt? Also I'm horrible when it comes rto face to face talking, especially when I don't know a person really well, so I can't come up with a good enough answer at the spot.

 

[Duxwing]

I guess it's because I was always told to be polite and well mannered

Politeness and manners are the means by which communication is refined; right now, we're looking communicate at all. So don't be afraid to ruffle a few feathers (have an awkward conversation) to prevent the entire chicken from being plucked (a meltdown).

and since I've been bullied as a kid I know how it would hurt?

How it would hurt to...?

Also I'm horrible when it comes rto face to face talking, especially when I don't know a person really well, so I can't come up with a good enough answer at the spot.

Right now you're working with your mom, so I assume that not knowing her well (and by extension, being able to come up with an answer "atthe spot") won't be a problem. The only problem left is difficulty with face-to-face communication, and you won't improve if you don't practice, so start small: try telling your mom about your feelings on the first prodding.

-Duxwing

 

[Wolf18]

I (an INTP) can relate to you a bit. So, a story:
A few minutes ago, my mum came in and told me my Great-Aunt may or may not be dead. I said, "Oh, I remember her. She was boring." My mum (an ENTJ who would not be insulted by that) continued talking. A few moments later, I apologised to her for my insensitivity. My mum told me I was not being insensitive.

Another example: When my grandfather died a few years ago, I refused to let myself cry for about a year. The rest of my family was crying.

Conclusion: Grief may have more to do with the environment in which you were brought up (does your family tend to show grief or not) more than type. Thus said, I would not rule out INTP if your doubt has to do with grief.

SW

 

[Hayyel]

I guess I will have to try that sooner or later, but I can already see it backfiring. I'm also trying to finifh my studies and get a job and move to England, so the issue might be solved by just not hanging around here so much. Or am Ijjust avoiding the ineitable? Eh, I wish guilt trips wouldn't work on me

 

[Duxwing]

I (an INTP) can relate to you a bit. So, a story:
A few minutes ago, my mum came in and told me my Great-Aunt may or may not be dead. I said, "Oh, I remember her. She was boring." My mum (an ENTJ who would not be insulted by that) continued talking. A few moments later, I apologised to her for my insensitivity. My mum told me I was not being insensitive.

Another example: When my grandfather died a few years ago, I refused to let myself cry for about a year. The rest of my family was crying.

Conclusion: Grief may have more to do with the environment in which you were brought up (does your family tend to show grief or not) more than type. However, I would not rule out INTP if your doubt has to do with grief.

SW

My condolences for your Great-Aunt, Wolf.

-Duxwing

 

[Hayyel]

I (an INTP) can relate to you a bit. So, a story:
A few minutes ago, my mum came in and told me my Great-Aunt may or may not be dead. I said, "Oh, I remember her. She was boring." My mum (an ENTJ who would not be insulted by that) continued talking. A few moments later, I apologised to her for my insensitivity. My mum told me I was not being insensitive.

Another example: When my grandfather died a few years ago, I refused to let myself cry for about a year. The rest of my family was crying.

Conclusion: Grief may have more to do with the environment in which you were brought up (does your family tend to show grief or not) more than type. However, I would not rule out INTP if your doubt has to do with grief.

SW

When grandma died even dad cried, and I have never seen him do it before. I remember that I caught a few memers of my family crying at one point or another, but they were either trying to hide it or they acted like nothing was wrong.

 

[Montresor]

Your battles with your mother remind me exactly of my relationship with mine.

What do you think about the following concept:?

Emotions rarely reach the surface but are always there, and when they do finally poke through, they're powerful and intense.

Can easily be mistaken for emotionlessness.

 

[The Gopher]

Own8ge, Dux, wolf and Mon all in this thread, wonderful Lets make it better!

You could try emotionally manipulating her. Send her a message(it's better if you don't tell her directly because she will think it's because it was something you can't say to her face) saying how she doesn't care about you because she can't understand that you are a unique butterfly and that she is treating you like everyone else. (I don't know the situation but that honestly[lol] might work)

Alternatively! It could lead to an increase in her pestering you thinking she has offended you and then she tries to make it up to you in a way that is the complete opposite of your intention.

I think I have only exploded once. ISTP's explode all the time so you must totally be an ISTP. :P

However the longer you leave something the worse it gets. As shown by your emotional outbursts. Don't run, change it. Just don't make it worse okay?

 

[Hayyel]

Your battles with your mother remind me exactly of my relationship with mine.

What do you think about the following concept:?

Emotions rarely reach the surface but are always there, and when they do finally poke through, they're powerful and intense.

Can easily be mistaken for emotionlessness.

Oh, yes, that's 100% correct.

 

[Hayyel]

Own8ge, Dux, wolf and Mon all in this thread, wonderful Lets make it better!

You could try emotionally manipulating her. Send her a message(it's better if you don't tell her directly because she will think it's because it was something you can't say to her face) saying how she doesn't care about you because she can't understand that you are a unique butterfly and that she is treating you like everyone else. (I don't know the situation but that honestly[lol] might work)

Alternatively! It could lead to an increase in her pestering you thinking she has offended you and then she tries to make it up to you in a way that is the complete opposite of your intention.

I think I have only exploded once. ISTP's explode all the time so you must totally be an ISTP. :P

However the longer you leave something the worse it gets. As shown by your emotional outbursts. Don't run, change it. Just don't make it worse okay?

Yeah, I'm generally a calm person, but when the bucket gets full, it WILL blow up. And it can get really ugly (I remember as a kid I once had a really big fight with my father and I almost hit him. It ended up with me actually ripping his golden necklace from his neck and breaking it in two).

 

[Montresor]

@The Gopher

I believe the individual is describing Fi.

He needn't necessarily explode regularly ... though I sort of do.

I thought I was ISTP for quite some time but I also think Ti and Fi are very similar.

thoughts?

 

[The Gopher]

Yeah, I'm generally a calm person, but when the bucket gets full, it WILL blow up. And it can get really ugly (I remember as a kid I once had a really big fight with my father and I almost hit him. It ended up with me actually ripping his golden necklace from his neck and breaking it in two).

Yeah that sounds about right. To be slightly more serious you could try being emotional. It doesn't have to be at anyone (although that might solve the problem) but find something which you can pour emotion into. Imagine a scenario even.. Pretend your best friend or dog died or something... listen to emotional music whatever works.

 

[The Gopher]

@The Gopher

I believe the individual is describing Fi.

He needn't necessarily explode regularly ... though I sort of do.

I thought I was ISTP for quite some time but I also think Ti and Fi are very similar.

thoughts?

Heh I was kinda being sarcastic about Ownage saying he was probably possibly INFJ judging by one post.

That said I believe Ti and Fi are very similar. I am still not completely sure if I am INTP or INFP but I settled on INFP because it's cuter.

My brother is 100% ISTP though and while he has managed it better now he used to explode 24/7... or at least whenever I was around I was described as the long match to his short fuse...

 

[Montresor]

Heh I was kinda being sarcastic about Ownage saying he was probably possibly INFJ judging by one post.

That said I believe Ti and Fi are very similar. I am still not completely sure if I am INTP or INFP but I settled on INFP because it's cuter.

My brother is 100% ISTP though and while he has managed it better now he used to explode 24/7... or at least whenever I was around I was described as the long match to his short fuse...

hehe I like that analogy.

Funny how you mention the regular blow-ups. I'm not that bad, but man, that does sound pretty accurate. Possibly you have mis-typed your bro? Though you did say 100%...


No I highly doubt the individual is INFJ I think own8ge either didn't pay enough attention or his powers of Ni are dwindling in favour of being INFP...? I don't know though he is extremely experienced in typing folks. He also said he can't be sure.

What I can say is that the way he describes his feelings towards his family and the word in general is really reasonating. When I pried a bit he replied with "yes, 100%"

So, I am intrigued.

@Hayyel, have you read the INFP/ISFP profiles as well? They do a good job of pigeonholing and stereotyping these types as pussies and bunnies.

Not so.

Have you identified your perceiving functions? Are they Se/Ni or Ne/Si?

 

[The Gopher]

Yeah, practically everything is in line with my brother being ISTP. I may have mistyped him but I see no alternative. He doesn't blow up as much now more just gets frustrated easily. (or not easily but after everything annoys him to a point even the smallest thing could set him off)

No I highly doubt the individual is INFJ I think own8ge either didn't pay enough attention or his powers of Ni are dwindling in favour of being INFP...?

HAHAHAHA..... Yes, probably...

 

[Wolf18]

My condolences for your Great-Aunt, Wolf.

-Duxwing

We actually don't know if she's dead. She just disappeared. But many thanks.

SW

 

[Hayyel]

hehe I like that analogy.

Funny how you mention the regular blow-ups. I'm not that bad, but man, that does sound pretty accurate. Possibly you have mis-typed your bro? Though you did say 100%...


No I highly doubt the individual is INFJ I think own8ge either didn't pay enough attention or his powers of Ni are dwindling in favour of being INFP...? I don't know though he is extremely experienced in typing folks. He also said he can't be sure.

What I can say is that the way he describes his feelings towards his family and the word in general is really reasonating. When I pried a bit he replied with "yes, 100%"

So, I am intrigued.

@Hayyel, have you read the INFP/ISFP profiles as well? They do a good job of pigeonholing and stereotyping these types as pussies and bunnies.

Not so.

Have you identified your perceiving functions? Are they Se/Ni or Ne/Si?

No, I didn't really read about those two types, but I shall check them out now. And I also didn't identify my perceiving functions yet either - although I've seen that there is a lot of talking going on about those, so I think I will have to look into it so I can actually understand what they mean. I'll check back to you later when I know more.

 

[Hayyel]

Ok, I read a bit about the Se/Ni and the Ne/Si, and I believe I'm Ne/Si.

 

[Absurdity]

Going to go ahead and shamelessly quote myself from another thread:

A lot of INTPs I've seen like to think of their stack as an inverted pyramid, with Ti being the "most" of "them," with Ne next, then some Si, and with Fe being some vestigial bit ready to be lopped off at the first chance they get.

I think a more correct image would be an iceberg. Ti-Ne is the white shining facade that we show the world and are most aware of, but Si hints at something deeper, bobbing in and out of visibility with the current, and Fe is this invisible mass beneath the surface plunging into depths unknown. INTPs are certainly governed by their emotions, it just feels like weird unconscious forces tugging at them beyond explanation.

 

[EditorOne]

To go back to basics: It is not that INTPs don't have emotions. It is that they prefer processing life using other characteristics (namely I, N, T, and P). We tend not to know how to effectively use emotions to make decisions, or interpret our own or others' behavior, and so fall out of the habit of indulging our emotions. And yes, ultimately they will pop out. Take some comfort that what an INTP might find an embarrassing display of emotion is probably regarded by everyone else as fairly normal and no big deal.
If a situation leaves you pretty much speechless from an emotional standpoint, do try to say something about how your thinking is going. Somebody's dead? It's easy enough to say "I'll miss him" or just ask a question like "when are we going to the services?" Some response, no matter how banal, tends to get interpreted as sympathetic or empathetic by people who are emotionally engaged themselves, so you benefit from a kind of predisposition to expect sympathy or empathy even if you can't quite trust your feelings as a source of words.
Did that make sense?
Our characteristics are our preferences, our preferred ways of dealing with thing. Keeping that in mind kind of gives perspective.