Mr.Burke
Active Member
- Local time
- Today 3:28 PM
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2009
- Messages
- 136
I noticed that when most people say something that they think is funny, laugh for any reason, or put certain facial expressions I can't help but feel disgust. I noticed that the longer I am around other people the more disgusted I feel until I begin to feel pretty much frenzied and sometimes psychotic.
Usually, when I am alone I feel fine and am pretty much dancing at all times for absolutely no reason (dancing into the kitchen to make a sandwich, dancing and playing drums with the bread on every single object etc.) I may even feel like talking to other people in this mental state. What I have noticed though, is that everything always ends in destruction.
For example, every person (except two people) I have talked to over the internet will often end up saying that I am a "troll" and ignore/block me. I have not trolled anyone at any of these times (intentionally) and I do not see why my doings are often misinterpreted as such.
In real life situations, I do not even attempt to care about talking to people. Most people are run-of-the-mill plain people who would only care to spew small talk or rehashed generic topics such as what is on the news (which I care nothing for) or basically just something I have heard a thousand times. I can often just talk to myself and imitate the person's entire spectrum of knowledge and even the way he would respond. I have taken up narcissistic tendencies, as I believe that other people are essentially animals or machines (or both at the same time) who have only the purpose of continuing the species or being used as a tool.
I have rejected the vast majority of pretty much everything that people believe in. What they believe is fun, has value, should be done, is right, etc. This belief has also led me to be aloof and apathetic.
But then, there is something which does not make any sense to me that happens quite often. I start laughing to to stupid shit that people say (which in my eyes is pretty much everything that can be vibrated into air) and I actually become fond of people and try to understand them. I gain somewhat of a "renewed" (if it was even there in the first place) hope in humanity and I discard my cynicism. So then, I become optimistic and interested in the generic rehashed shit that people say and I forget that I am a nihilist. In fact, in this state I came to these forums to socialize with others like myself, and to potentially get to know some..female INTPs (
).
The problem though, is after a period of time it starts to break down. I continue to listen, hear, read, information that I have convinced myself to give a chance but in reality do not care about. I have forced myself out of my own realm in order to potentially promote change in myself (from being a pessimistic nihilist to more of a hedonist). It is simply a delusion though, as evidenced by my random bouts of psychotic behavior. I believe that I am trying to...overwrite my actual nature with that of a "mask" and I am trying to make myself believe that there is nothing behind the mask.
Normally, I would be interested in anime, manga, and video games. I noticed within the passed five or six months, that I am no longer interested in anything (therefore the belief that I need to promote change in myself). The thing here though, is that I am not depressed (not even going to bother to go into detail here on that one). Instead, I feel more like a general disgust for all things, and often will discard all logic and emotions and go into a state of intense depersonalization. In a sense, it is as if I am not there and I am able to separate my body from my mind (some call this enlightenment).
I can no longer justify anything I do with logic or emotion. I feel as if I am not actually in control of my body or mind, as if an AI has taken over the slot of the player. I assumed that maybe, by talking with others like me that I would find some sort of "inspiration" or "renewed hope". This is not true, I may temporarily feel a sense of "community" but it simply goes away like it never happens, and I return to being extremely cynical and often cruel. People who are supposed to be just like me, I feel disgusted upon seeing them as if they were just another person.
I may or may not practice self-sabotage, but I do not have a low self-esteem. Do not take me for being over emotional either, as I am neutral pretty much all day almost every day. To quote American Psycho: There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.
What I want to know is, am I the only one like this, or are you all distracting yourself and acting in interest of hiding your true nature (the demon
)?
Usually, when I am alone I feel fine and am pretty much dancing at all times for absolutely no reason (dancing into the kitchen to make a sandwich, dancing and playing drums with the bread on every single object etc.) I may even feel like talking to other people in this mental state. What I have noticed though, is that everything always ends in destruction.
For example, every person (except two people) I have talked to over the internet will often end up saying that I am a "troll" and ignore/block me. I have not trolled anyone at any of these times (intentionally) and I do not see why my doings are often misinterpreted as such.
In real life situations, I do not even attempt to care about talking to people. Most people are run-of-the-mill plain people who would only care to spew small talk or rehashed generic topics such as what is on the news (which I care nothing for) or basically just something I have heard a thousand times. I can often just talk to myself and imitate the person's entire spectrum of knowledge and even the way he would respond. I have taken up narcissistic tendencies, as I believe that other people are essentially animals or machines (or both at the same time) who have only the purpose of continuing the species or being used as a tool.
I have rejected the vast majority of pretty much everything that people believe in. What they believe is fun, has value, should be done, is right, etc. This belief has also led me to be aloof and apathetic.
But then, there is something which does not make any sense to me that happens quite often. I start laughing to to stupid shit that people say (which in my eyes is pretty much everything that can be vibrated into air) and I actually become fond of people and try to understand them. I gain somewhat of a "renewed" (if it was even there in the first place) hope in humanity and I discard my cynicism. So then, I become optimistic and interested in the generic rehashed shit that people say and I forget that I am a nihilist. In fact, in this state I came to these forums to socialize with others like myself, and to potentially get to know some..female INTPs (
).The problem though, is after a period of time it starts to break down. I continue to listen, hear, read, information that I have convinced myself to give a chance but in reality do not care about. I have forced myself out of my own realm in order to potentially promote change in myself (from being a pessimistic nihilist to more of a hedonist). It is simply a delusion though, as evidenced by my random bouts of psychotic behavior. I believe that I am trying to...overwrite my actual nature with that of a "mask" and I am trying to make myself believe that there is nothing behind the mask.
Normally, I would be interested in anime, manga, and video games. I noticed within the passed five or six months, that I am no longer interested in anything (therefore the belief that I need to promote change in myself). The thing here though, is that I am not depressed (not even going to bother to go into detail here on that one). Instead, I feel more like a general disgust for all things, and often will discard all logic and emotions and go into a state of intense depersonalization. In a sense, it is as if I am not there and I am able to separate my body from my mind (some call this enlightenment).
I can no longer justify anything I do with logic or emotion. I feel as if I am not actually in control of my body or mind, as if an AI has taken over the slot of the player. I assumed that maybe, by talking with others like me that I would find some sort of "inspiration" or "renewed hope". This is not true, I may temporarily feel a sense of "community" but it simply goes away like it never happens, and I return to being extremely cynical and often cruel. People who are supposed to be just like me, I feel disgusted upon seeing them as if they were just another person.
I may or may not practice self-sabotage, but I do not have a low self-esteem. Do not take me for being over emotional either, as I am neutral pretty much all day almost every day. To quote American Psycho: There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.
What I want to know is, am I the only one like this, or are you all distracting yourself and acting in interest of hiding your true nature (the demon
)?
Perhaps I should seek out more Ns irl.
(@mango)
