Witty Retorts to Common Remarks

[Duxwing]

Post your witty retorts to such common remarks as:

-"How could you?!"
-"What goes around comes around."
-"Everyone has the right to their opinion."

Exemplary retorts:

-"Thus!"
-"Tether-ball exacts harsh justice."
-"It is indeed your right to be wrong."

-Duxwing

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

-"You don't need to explain myself, as if I didn't know what I was doing"
-"Minimum potential energy"
-"Everyone has the right to be deaf and ignorant of your opinions"

^Don't expect a mentat to be witty.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

-"You don't need to explain myself, as if I didn't know what I was doing"
-"Minimum potential energy"
-"Everyone has the right to be deaf and ignorant of your opinions"

^Don't expect a mentat to be witty.

LMAO

 

[Hadoblado]

Are these retorts you've used, or one's you've planned in advance?

 

[Cognisant]

You suck! > Like a Dyson

You suck! > Your tits!
This gets the most laughs if the heckler is male & fat.

Fuck you! > Fuck meeee!
Best done in the vicinity of a group of unaffiliated teenage girls as they'll respond with woohoo'ing and whatnot, embarrassing the heckler and making you feel awesome.

 

[PhoenixRising]

-"How could you?!"
-"What goes around comes around."
-"Everyone has the right to their opinion."

- "I am omnipotent, thou mewling rampallian mammet!"

- "Unless something intersects its path.."

- "Everyone has the wrong to their opinion as well. In fact, sometimes that's all there is to their opinion."

 

[Reluctantly]

I guess I'm a bit different, but I prefer not to piss people off if we're having a conversation, so my witty remarks either have humor in mind or I am looking to disarm someone.

"Like father, like son."
"Sure."
"Famous Last Words."
"Thanks!" - When someone says something that's intended as an insult
"And how's that working out for you?" - When people claim to know what works for other people
"Okay, prove it." - This generally stops the bullshitters that like to pretend they know everything. A lot of stuff people say is third-hand knowledge and they aren't even sure that what they know is true, but take it for granted as so.

 

[BigApplePi]

Post your witty retorts to such common remarks as:

-"How could you?!"
-"What goes around comes around."
-"Everyone has the right to their opinion."

If there's a will there's a way or
I could cuz I can.

The buck stops here or
so does circular reasoning.

Empty wagons makes the most noise or
so does the Daily Rag.

 

[redbaron]

I suppose in the end this thread was always destined to become, 'Shitty Retorts to Common Remarks'.

 

[Goku]

question: "how are you!?"

response: "good."

 

[Magus]

"You're so arrogant!"

"Arrogant... Moi?"

Generally the best comebacks are very contextual, so there are limits to what you might be able to pre-prepare.

On a related note, does anyone else ever find themselves going through past conversations in their head, working out the best retorts or interjections they could have made? I tend to do this a lot.

 

[Hadoblado]

Stinky Sydney accountant: "I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend..."
Malevolent INTJ housemate: "Dude I thought that was a ute!"

 

[Cognisant]

Stinky Sydney accountant: "I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend..."
Malevolent INTJ housemate: "Dude I thought that was a ute!"

Nah mate, that's my wife.

Coming back with something hurtful is hard, the person who makes the remark in the first place is likely to anticipate it or say something difficult to send back, so it's best to just take the shot (a shot well taken can be a great retort in of itself) try to get a laugh (charming the audience in your favour) and then if you can feel an opening strike back with a smile.

Always smile, always be polite, never raise your voice of swear, composure is everything.

 

[BigApplePi]

On a related note, does anyone else ever find themselves going through past conversations in their head, working out the best retorts or interjections they could have made? I tend to do this a lot.

Yes I have but the other fellow comes up with the better retorts.

 

[Reluctantly]

I suppose in the end this thread was always destined to become, 'Shitty Retorts to Common Remarks'.

And thanks for adding to the shit then.

 

[Fukyo]

-"Everyone has the right to their opinion."

Oh I love this one.


"Indeed they do" *inset optional dirty look*

"I know right? So why aren't you acknowledging mine? "

"2 way street m8, 2 way street"

"Would you get mad if I mocked you for your hypocrisy?" *hand under chin with an inquisitive, mildy amused expression"

 

[Base groove]

Oh I love this one.


"2 way street m8, 2 way street"

It seems like a 2 way street, but with rational types (such as the INTP), could it be more of a one way street that people constantly mistake for a two-way street, leading to a large number of, um, collisions?

Could the same be said for irrational types (like the ENTP, or say, INFJ) and worldview?

 

[Brontosaurie]

- you're a bit shy aren't you?
- shut the fuck up, fucking idiot

 

[Brontosaurie]

- aren't you gonna come and be soshul?
- no

 

[BigApplePi]

Guys pay attention. That was supposed to be witty retorts, not "shitty" resorts.

 

[Brontosaurie]

- Guys pay attention. That was supposed to be witty retorts, not "shitty" resorts.
- caring enough about a remark to craft a witty retort precludes any actual, effective retort

 

[Cognisant]

Well is the tazer to the balls solution is always there.

Why else would I remove every nonessential internal organ to make space for a electrolytic capacitor bank, to make light shine out of my ass?

Actually if I can blind someone with it...

 

[eagor]

On a related note, does anyone else ever find themselves going through past conversations in their head, working out the best retorts or interjections they could have made? I tend to do this a lot.

alot...a whole lot actually

 

[QuickTwist]

"What?!"

"SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU!"

*insert graphic here*

"No shit sherlock."

"Keep digging Watson."

This last one works with just about anything.

"Your mom says whats up."

 

[TimeAsylums]

My excuse is that I'm Jung

 

[birdsnestfern]

I'm not the type to retort, but here are a few:

Judge me when you are perfect

Failure does not define you, determination does

Can you see the 'f-you' in my smile?

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

I'm not anti social, I'm selectively social.

I need at least 70 days notice to do something

I'm sorry, I don't take orders, I barely take suggestions

 

[dr froyd]

I usually say this:

Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers and you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!