I am Chad Allen Solloway.
My primary existence can be boiled down to two main objectives.
To gain subjective truths (Ideas) to add to my intellectual frame work.
To gain new experiences inside my own system of personal control.
Some of my faults are:
My biggest fault I believe is my addictive tendency.
(I.E.) If I find something that causes a positive feeling such as sex, and food. I can easily over partake. Unlike, the common reason I don't do these things to feel better about my life. On the other hand I do these things to farther express my own enjoyment. When I start feeling positive happy emotions my mind wishes to exaggerate these feelings but adding either sex or food to make me even happier. I generally have a positive outlook on life so the need for both of these are often great.
However, on the other hand when I get depressed (its only really happened a few times in my life). I can often forget to eat and I have no desire for any human contact including but not limited to sex.
This actually ties back to my need for new experiences. I feel good about trying new things and my mind has a tendency to do anything that make me feel good and avoid discomfort.
On the plus side of this it has helped me avoid many things that could be more damaging to have an addiction to. I find the taste of smoke and ethanol uncomfortable (or in a different way, I don't like them), I hate swallowing anything solid so pills are out of the question. I don't really mind getting a shot if I need one but it isn't something that I enjoy either therefore I have no real desire to stab myself with a needle. Places for gambling generally reek of booze and or smoke therefore I avoid them like the plague and I generally don't like the taste of mushrooms. All that to say that my keeping myself away form many addictive substances wasn't hard do to the fact that they required a level of uncomfortably before releasing the happy adorphines. I avoid anything that is uncomfortable to myself primarily.
As a side note I am a bit uncomfortable with close human contact. However, my human male need to procreate over time overcame my uncomfortablity. I am still uncomfortable with close human contact in general unless it is my wife the one person I made unconscious exception for. (I say unconscious because I don't honestly feel uncomfortable touching or being touched by her which is a change in my psyche that goes deeper then my conscious chose to be with her.)
I know I have mentioned a lot of feeling stuff but that is for two reasons.
One, I am writing these to better understand my motivations which are related to my emotional state of being.
Two, I do have emotions deep down that play a role in the person I am today. This is just an honest logical expression of what and what these feelings are.
My Second fault
I have a lack of a reasonable emotional response.
My brain does respond normally to emotional stimuli to the point of personal frustration.
Hear are some examples.
When I am in extreme pain or discomfort in causes me to laugh.
When something widely considered tragic happen I become super analytical. I am far more concerned with Why, How, Who, When and What for then I am concerned about the human, Animal, Environmental or any other loss that may have taken place. Tragedy for me are times of personal growth because become for something to be a tragedy it must be (1)unexpected (2)life altering for a group of people. While I wouldn't admit to loving tragedies I do love things that are unexpected and I do love seeing how people react and change when something unexpected happens.
Another personal example of how my emotions are response is off. When my grandfather died (on my father side) I cried like a baby. While you might think that crying is a perfectly normal response to death it is not actually my normal response to death and an very unexpected response even to myself for this particulate death. I will explain. One, I have only meet this man maybe 3-7 times before in my life up until his funeral. Two, even the times I meet him he really didn't even interact with me and we were never formally introduced I was always with my family and he was there for some function but I never interacted with him. I only knew he was my grandfather because I asked my dad once. My dad didn't even interact with him. This is because at a young age my grandfather left my father and his family to be with another woman I believe it was his bothers wife or something weird like that. So, basically I had no emotional connection to this person for the next. By this time I had already had one close friend and several other closer family member die. I was sad in all these cases but I never cried.
So why did I cry like a baby at his funeral. Basically, because I have always had a distant type relationship with my father. He is a good man and I respect him but we are not close. We are both introverted to some extent and my father is worse then me. He doesn't even talk most of the time. So, my mind planted the thought in my head that in my adult life my relationship with my father would become none existent like my father relationship with his dad. Then at my father funeral I would be plagued by the same guilt and hostility that I could see in my father on this day. That is what made me so uncomfortable that I gave way to tears.
Because I don't think the same way other people think my emotions don't match what other people expect because even though I don't lack emotions what I am concentrating on is most likely different therefor the emotion/response seems out of place.
My Third fault is my lack of focus on general tasks.
I enjoy my thought process immensely and when I find something (that I believe is) profound I can contemplate, analyze, inspect, study and think it through with great ease and detail.
However, most of the time I am just looking for the next profound thing to come along. In the process I over look and devalue most information I come across. Also, I am atrocious at solving other people concerns (or things that other people need done and I don't care about). Basically, I
MAYBE a
BORDERLINE genius however it quite hard to show your worth and intelligence when, I simply can't be bother to care about things that are not important to me at the moment. You see the dilemma. It's not that my brain isn't awesome the problem is that it isn't awesome on command to every subject someone else can think of.
I've been called unfocused, lazy,a procrastinator, ADHD and dumb for this very reason.
My Strengths:
I have a relatively high IQ (ranging form 128 on the low end and 145 of the high). This doesn't exactly mean I am smarter then people with a lower IQ score then mine however, it does show that my brain process certain logic puzzles more accurately and faster then average. This ability to process logic puzzles fast and accurately is helpful in the real world and is an advantage I have.
Another is, I have a very large frame work of interconnected knowledge that I can use to solve problems or come up with a new and innovated perspective. Since my framework is
NEARLY all my own and doesn't piggy back on others I can come form things in a differant angle then it is traditionally looked at. This is not to say that all my ideas are completely innovative and original but I am more likely to have an original idea then someone that uses a more well defined system for gathering and processing there thoughts.
Most people call this thinking outside of the box. For the most part its a great way to discover and since discovery is one of my passions I actually enjoy being me. On a side note while most of my thoughts and ideas are generally a different twist on things I would say 90% or high don't actually have any practical use in reality. Thus the down side.
Finally one another one of my strengths is my optimism and retaliative morality. I combine these two because they are the feel good portions of my nature. First, while I am painfully aware of the shortcoming in myself and everything about me. I am still a eternal optimist. Things can always get better. However, the other I get the more I realize that for change to be real and meaningful you need to be able to play the system. Therefore I am trying to improve my skills so I can do just this. I wish to leave the world someday knowing that I made a change in reality for a positive "sustainable" difference. This is were my optimism is funded and a future reality were sustainable change is possible even if it not likely in the present. Secondly, I have a general set of principle that guide my interactions with others. These principles that have become integrated into the person I am are generally very respectful and kind to all people no matter who are what they are/believe. These principle were hard fought inside myself and I am very proud that I have choose to use these principles express my reality. (If you wish to know what my guiding principles/morals are you can look here
What is you Code?)
Lastly I would like to leave you with some quirks as they are a large part of who I am. By Quirks I mean things that are relative small inconsistencies in actions or thought for which I have no plans about improving or altering at the present.
I chew of lots of inanimate objects/clothing and myself sometimes.
I emit a aura of arrogance at times (This is a false aura but it can be problematic at times).
I correct people when they say something wrong even if it really isn't a big deal.
I forget most people special times such as birthday and adversaries. So far I haven't forgot my own birthday and anniversary nor my wife's birthday.
I spell horribly and I use words in ways that they are not originally attended to be used.
I have an active monolog in my head and I rehearse many of my
conversations in my head.
I socialize with people to study them. While I enjoy studying people I don't actually just socialize for the sake of enjoying time another person, the only exception being my wife.
I have completely integrated my wife into my person. This is what allows me to do things with and around here that I couldn't do with anyone else. (things like being naked, going to the bathroom, sharing food/drinks, sleeping, hugging, kiss, and intercourse.)
I have an habit of analyzing everything I read, hear, and see. Normally to myself but sometimes out loud too.
I can come across as argumentative even though I honesty wish to understand other perspectives better. As well as share my perspective. This is why I find debating so attractive its the best of both worlds. However, most people just see this as annoying and arrogant.
I rant a lot (I.E. This post)
I am extremely open with strangers and I enjoy talking to random stranger about completely random things.
I talk a lot.
I hate working for someone else and I don't have the skills or the work ethic to work for myself.
I hate having to fallow other people rules however, I agree that rules are important for others to fallow.
Maybe some more for latter but I think this is enough for now.
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