What's the mature way to deal with the INTP "need to be needed"?

[INTPness]

I've seen multiple sources mention how INTPs have a "need to be needed", especially in the context of a relationship. While it's perfectly normal to have the need to feel valued or that your work/presence is meaningful/helpful to others, etc, it is unhealthy when:

• You seek to address this need while severely lacking in self-worth, self-value, self-esteem, etc. In other words, there is no appropriate substitute for fundamental self-love.
• It takes too high precedence over other needs and makes you feel inadequate/incomplete when you don't have it.

My question: Is the need to be needed just an illusory need that diminishes with maturity?

My reasons for wondering:

• As an adult, you find that trying to make friends who need you is kind of a doomed project. If they really need you then it's an unequal relationship that you're likely to be too emotionally invested in, or you're doing it just to feel good because you lack your own passions and are trying to live through someone else, or because you're insecure and helping someone else makes you feel better about yourself. There are all sorts of things that could be wrong, but it always seems like it can be tied to feeling that you lack something within yourself.
• In a relationship, your partner can certainly make you feel needed, but is that to say that if your partner becomes more more capable and independent, you might feel bad or undervalued or threatened even though good things are happening to your partner? There are times when you have to put aside this need for their benefit.
• Even as a parent, your kids will not need you forever, and you're not meant to live through them. Once your kids leave home you will inevitably have to deal with the loss of not being needed anymore.
• Suppose you're looking to be needed through work. Either you try to become irreplaceable, which can lead you to constantly try to prove your worth through external measures/validation (potentially unhealthy) or you have a profession where you have an important influence on other people's lives (e.g., teaching, therapy), where trying to prove your value can also be counterproductive.

I guess the way I'd summarize my concern is that feeling that you're needed has little to do how much you are actually needed or benefit other people. In my opinion, they are often competing concerns. For example, I could help 100 people as a teacher and feel really good about it and take pride in their growth, or I could help 10000 people by simply donating to charity and not feel the impact of my contribution at any significant emotional level. Perhaps it's a bit like happiness; you can fulfill the need by focusing on something else (but what exactly?) but it will never be fulfilled if you focus on it.

 

[ZenRaiden]

As INTP I am schizoid and I dont care for relationships. Sex is OK and relationships are burden. I think of keeping practical low maintenence relationships with no romantic connotations or any other ideas.

I view relationships in three stages.
First stage is sex, second stage is partnership and third statge is reproduction.

 

[Pizzabeak]

It should take like 3 months or 3 years for you to get to know someone well enough

 

[Ex-User (14663)]

I don't think anything about a person changes unless rigorous self-analysis and active steps are taken towards certain goals. Most people never even reach the first step, let alone actually fix whatever issues they are aware of.

 

[QuickTwist]

I don't think anything about a person changes unless rigorous self-analysis and active steps are taken towards certain goals. Most people never even reach the first step, let alone actually fix whatever issues they are aware of.

I think most of the "problems" we have pretty much remain the same throughout life, but I would say it's more about what we do that is good rather than what we do that is bad. The goal, I guess, is to have more Good things that you do then bad things.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Deal with abandonment issues if possible first, so you are free of that hangup.
Its ok to need to be needed, but say 'can I have a hug' or just ask.

Then, talk about what you need with a partner. See what they need. Screen people that you are serious about after a date or two, then just admit it won't work long term and say goodbye if its not a match.

Things you want to know:
Are they spendthrifts or savers, and to what level.
Does that match with your view, and is there bad credit that will hurt the future for major buying.

How often does each want sex? Many times a day, once a week, once a year, not at all.
Are they monogamous, or poly.
How many times have they been in love.
How many approximate relationships have they had.
Are they free of stds. Are they willing to do a test at a health office to prove it.
Does the biology, chemistry, appearance, mindset, sex, energy actually work for you.
What is their career like? Do they stay in one place, or move around a lot.
When angered, (male or female) what are they like?
Do they hit or slap kids, or harm things smaller than them, or do they take care of things and feel everything is important, whatever the size.
Do they ever talk badly about people, ie, past friends, parents, etc.
Are they control freaks?
Are they violent, erratic, egotistic, manipulative, have insecurities, deep secrets?
How do they treat you when you have strong opinions, how do they react when traveling, or dealing with real life disappointments?
Do they run from things or deal with hardships.
And on and on.
Are they energized by a little argument or wiped out?
Do they know how to ask for things calmly?
Do they show affection and if so, in what ways? Through bonding, are they able to bond? Through talking, do you like what they talk about?
Through gifting, or through actions like fixing things? Is that your method?
What do they want from you? Are you there to make them look good only, is it one sided? Is there reciprocation and give and take?
Ask them, what is the ideal love relationship for you?
Does one person work and bring in all the money that is needed, and the other one keep house and entertains his business clients?
Do both work, and are things divided in ways both agree with?
Is there another love style you are looking for?
Ask, WHY do you love me? What do you love about me?
The level of answer will tell you a lot about them.

Some of these will not be known until you've lived together for a year or two because it takes that long to let guards down and be who you are sometimes.