Sometimes I feel like I'm sick of a lot of people. I wish I could just restart, not knowing anybody. Or just retreat in general. I don't like it when people look at me, or even think of me. The thought of that makes me uncomfortable.
It's not always like this, but feelings like these occasionally pop up.
Does this sound familiar?
Yes. In fact, this has been a (bigger than usual) problem lately. I'm around and engaged by people 24/7, I never have the space to be physically alone, and if I am, it's usually only a waiting period before I know someone will bug me again. .__.
I never stay home, as I don't like being cooped up at home (and I have roommates anyway, so I'm not even alone there), but as I live in San Francisco, no matter where you go, even in the outdoors woodsy areas, people will quickly come by and just their presence makes me want to rage.
And forget going anywhere in public. I hate feeling like I'm being watched, in someone's way, having someone in my way, bumping against people, being squished like sardines with people on the bus.
(The wonders of the buses here: it's literally sardine packed. As in, people are TIGHTLY SQUISHING you at all sides while you stand on the bus for a 45 minute ride. And being shoved by the tidal wave of people as more people board the bus. It makes me think violent thoughts.)
^ That's twice a day.
And then school, where I'm surrounded by people - and dealing WITH them. And then the bus again. And then work. More people - around and with. And then the sardine bus back home. Where my 4 roommates are crawling the tiny inlaw room.
All the while, people are calling me, friends popping up at work or at my house uninvited. People nagging at me to keep on socializing with them.
I can't take it anymore. If I had a car, I'd drive up way up to some tumbleweed town and rent a secluded cabin somewhere in nature to be COMPLETELY alone for at least 2 days.
That's
all I fucking need. Just 2 full days of solitude
is all I ask. I haven't had a single day of real solitude for over 18 months. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's almost making me want to cry. And that's not easy to do.
Hell, even a road trip would do the trick. Anything.
Anything. I'm desperate.
I'm about to spend a fortune renting a car just so I can do this. There is no other alternative. I'm getting close to the breaking point.