Tough Love

[Weliddryn]

My family is of high opinion of this strategy and thus I was also a strong advocate of it (or so I thought...).
Now, it seems to me that it is of the opinion of those who partake in this method often find the problems they are consulted about to be frivolous and to be 'taken care of' independently, absolutely no complaints are tolerated.
...and yet I observe these same people taking part in what one might consider frivolous activities, such as fun or play.
My questions are these:
How much does tough love actually aid a person?
When should such a maneveur be employed?
What helps you most when you are in a roough spot?
What other strageties are employable in difficult situations?
Why do each of these strageties work?
What are the reprecussions of each stragety?

 

[Jesin]

Tough love, what is tough love? I've never really understood the phrase. I think I've heard it used more as a euphemism for a kind of systematic passive-aggressive coercion than anything else...

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

My questions are these:
How much does tough love actually aid a person?
When should such a maneveur be employed?
What helps you most when you are in a roough spot?
What other strageties are employable in difficult situations?
Why do each of these strageties work?
What are the reprecussions of each stragety?

Jeebus! You're not asking for much are ya?

Perhaps I can get more specific details down soon but for now I'll say that I prefer to employ a strategy that is tailored to the personality in question. Tough love may work for one person and fail miserably with the next. You have to use your best judgement with each individual. That applies to what strategy and when you employ it. Sometimes an escalating scale of methods is needed. Sage advice, then coaxing and persuading then get tough. You have to gauge the reactions to your methods and be ready to switch to another if you see it falling on deaf ears.

To rigidly use only one method such as tough love will mean you will fail perhaps as much as you succeed.

 

[Weliddryn]

I think of tough love as being harsh, apathetic, or having a 'grin and bear it' attitude.
Example:
My brothers knee jerk reaction seems to be 'stfu, so many people have it worse than you.'
(which I find humorously ironic, given his extreme temper)

 

[Weliddryn]

Jeebus! You're not asking for much are ya?

Perhaps I can get more specific details down soon but for now I'll say that I prefer to employ a strategy that is tailored to the personality in question. Tough love may work for one person and fail miserably with the next. You have to use your best judgement with each individual. That applies to what strategy and when you employ it. Sometimes an escalating scale of methods is needed. Sage advice, then coaxing and persuading then get tough. You have to gauge the reactions to your methods and be ready to switch to another if you see it falling on deaf ears.

To rigidly use only one method such as tough love will mean you will fail perhaps as much as you succeed.

I understand how subjective these questions are, but I'd like others views on them, as well.
I've extensive thoughts regarding these topics but it would be tedious for me to post them given my current conditions.

 

[Jesin]

I'd just like to confirm something. Tough love is generally used (by some person A) to get person B to stop exhibiting some behavior C that person A doesn't like, am I right?

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

I think of tough love as being harsh, apathetic, or having a 'grin and bear it' attitude.
Example:
My brothers knee jerk reaction seems to be 'stfu, so many people have it worse than you.'
(which I find humorously ironic, given his extreme temper)

I would describe tough love as being hard on someone in hopes of motivating that person to solve their own problems/change their behavior etc. For example: A parent might threaten to kick a teenage child out of the house if they use drugs. Or, telling someone who is depressed to "Get over it!" in hope to snap that person out of their funk. (bad examples, I know).

I don't tend to like this method unless it is a last resort. One can use understanding then pointing out the flaws/futility without needing to get tough.

 

[Weliddryn]

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who posts on this thread may define the term for themselves and present whatever view they'd like. ^^

 

[Da Blob]

My family is of high opinion of this strategy and thus I was also a strong advocate of it (or so I thought...).
Now, it seems to me that it is of the opinion of those who partake in this method often find the problems they are consulted about to be frivolous and to be 'taken care of' independently, absolutely no complaints are tolerated.
...and yet I observe these same people taking part in what one might consider frivolous activities, such as fun or play.


My questions are these:
How much does tough love actually aid a person?
That really depends on the person and if he or she believes that the actions and words of others is truly motivated by Love and not something petty...

When should such a maneveur be employed?
When a person is listening and seeking answers for questions and is willing to hear answers that may not be particularly pleasing at the moment concerning their own self. As a counselor, i have found it difficult to get others to drop their defensive barriers long enough to point out to them that their defenses have already proven to be inadequate. They are sheltering their own enemies within those very defenses...!

What helps you most when you are in a rough spot?
Knowing that only a real friend could be comfortable saying such things, and only then because they are hurting themselves in hurting you... There is no selfish profit in administering "tough Love".. as opposed to mere sadism...

What other strageties are employable in difficult situations?
Other interventions include medication, incarceration (generic) and utter change of environment

Why do each of these strageties work?
Basically, just because it is a new type of stimulus that demands a new type of response...

What are the reprecussions of each stragety?
Side Effects? again it depends on the individual and how willing or able she or he was to be subjected to the new regime... A lot of success depends on the placebo effect. It is difficult for one to benefit from something if he or she does not believe that it might work...

 

[Weliddryn]

Thank you, Blob. Answers like this are more or less what I am looking for.
IB- thank you for your viewpoint as well and Jesin for your love for clarity. ;p

 

[nickgray]

Almost always unnecessary and stupid. Being reasonable and rational, on the other hand, is not. But I can see why many people tend to like the "Tough Love" method - it's easy, it's simple and can be effective sometimes. The reasonable'n'rational method requires much more. Perhaps a good analogy would be to say that the first one is what it says it is, the second one is without the "tough" prefix.

 

[ktp]

"Tough Love" is doublespeak to me. Love is suppose to be kind, caring, accepting, and empathetic. Tough love is just neglect, isolation, abuse, and and way for terrible parents to feel good about their lack of parenting skills.

Using arguments like "many people have it worse than you" makes absolutely no sense. It doesn't account for the fact that everyone handles things differently. Neglecting circumstance is the one of the most ignorant things you can do, and tough love exemplifies that notion.

By the way I almost typed "tongue love" when I was writing. I'd like to try that method out on some of my distant cousins. We're barely family, I am right!?

 

[Vrecknidj]

There's "honesty" and there's "Honesty." Sometimes, in order to get myself or my wife through something, I'll be "Honesty" which means I have to curtail being "honest." In other words, there are times when full disclosure isn't as important as long-term well being and so, sometimes, what's best is to keep the long-term goals in mind.

So, if tough love sacrifices long-term commitments and happiness, then it's not worth it. If tough love reinforces long-term commitments and happiness, then it is worth it.

Your mileage may vary.

Dave

 

[Felan]

The problem I see with tough love is that it doesn't guide a person to something better. They are left to devise some other response than what elicited the tough love in the first place. Often I think what ends up happening is an over-abundance of tough love causes them to lash out in frustration or sink in despair. Neither of which is particularily helpful.

Tough love in the sense of allowing the person to feel the consequences of their actions, rather than negating those consequences, I think is a beneficial form of tough love.

 

[chloé]

Are you talking about parenting? Because in that case I have nooo idea, I think I'm going to be a terrible parent, strategically speaking.

In general though, I don't think one ruling method like "tough love" is something you can apply universally. It's only one strategy. Some personality types respond very well to tough love. Other types aren't made to handle it. I'm of the just-improvise school of thought. (INTP?) Rather than concentrating on individual concepts, I just try always to fine-tune my ability to read people's emotional make-up, and being able to quickly and easily determine the ideal approach.

(I'm laughing at how incredibly INTP that all sounds, systemizing people's emotional responses .. but it's what I do!)

 

[amorfati]

I never grew up in a household that taught tough love, but than life eventually handed me tough love, so I was bound to face it one way or another.

Some people respond well to it.... other people? Not so much.

 

[Ghost1986]

i agree that this method does not normally work. but could it be said that this may work better on Ts as opposed to Fs sense we are more uncomfortable with feelings.

i dont think this would be my preferd method if i had to raise a kid. tough love seems to be what many public schools in the US like to use and it dosent seem to be working. but on a personay one on one level i think it could have its moments.