To 'be yourself'?

[Frankie]

What exactly is encapsulated in the phrase 'be yourself'? Does it mean accepting I'm an a-hole and not doing anything to change it or improve? How does one know oneself and how can one be oneself?

 

[nanook]

one is oneself by knowing one self. by most definitions an asshole is someone who fails to know himself. one of your basic needs if not the most basic needs is to be loved. people unlearn who they are, because they become whores for fake conditional love (social acceptance) instead, which is really the expression of a need for survival, which is like a fraction broken out of the broader need of love. but if you become an asshole, you make yourself unlovable, even if you can survive that way, being a survivor is still just a fragment of what you desire to mean to the world. so you don't know yourself anymore either, just like the overly popular person, you don't feel the full spectrum of your basic needs, you are an act, not a whole human being.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

i think it means dont be a pretender
dont pretend to like things or people you dont. dont pretend to be interested in things u dont care about. dont censor yourself in order to kiss up to ppl etc.

 

[Frankie]

one is oneself by knowing one self. by most definitions an asshole is someone who fails to know himself. one of your basic needs if not the most basic needs is to be loved. people unlearn who they are, because they become whores for fake conditional love (social acceptance) instead, which is really the expression of a need for survival, which is like a fraction broken out of the broader need of love. but if you become an asshole, you make yourself unlovable, even if you can survive that way, being a survivor is still just a fragment of what you desire to mean to the world. so you don't know yourself anymore either, just like the overly popular person, you don't feel the full spectrum of your basic needs, you are an act, not a whole human being.

That's deep but I still don't get it.

 

[nanook]

not a question

saw this video of a surfer dude who is supposed to be like autistic or whatever. (i don't respect the theory of the spectrum). anyhow, taking into account that we never have complete reflexive understanding of ourselves i want to refine what i said before: you don't have to know yourself conceptually, in order to be yourself, you only have to be able to allow for the experience of yourself, which will always lead to some sort of expression of yourself. so for example this cat like surfer dude gets angry quickly, when he doesn't feel that his needs are met. i am sure some people would call him asshole. but every baby does that. of course babies are authentic. and nobody would call them asshole. what makes an asshole is not anger, but the way an asshole rationalizes or implements the expression of his anger, he explicitly tries to make others feel bad about themselves, or the like. the asshole becomes more destructive of his environment in order to distract his attention from his own experience, which is one of being threatened and angry. the asshole tries to be cool.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMuU25Sk4L4

 

[nanook]

there are a few books about this, one is 'don't be nice, be real' by kelly bryson. the subject covers non violent communication (rosenberg). you learn how to focus on yourself and say what's happening in you, instead of hiding it all behind demands and judgements.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

you don't have to know yourself conceptually, in order to be yourself, you only have to be able to allow for the experience of yourself, which will always lead to some sort of expression of yourself.

I agree with this, it seems to me that being "yourself" can sometimes be more about not being what you're not, in other words; not obstructing your experience of yourself

 

[Frankie]

not a question

saw this video of a surfer dude who is supposed to be like autistic or whatever. (i don't respect the theory of the spectrum). anyhow, taking into account that we never have complete reflexive understanding of ourselves i want to refine what i said before: you don't have to know yourself conceptually, in order to be yourself, you only have to be able to allow for the experience of yourself, which will always lead to some sort of expression of yourself. so for example this cat like surfer dude gets angry quickly, when he doesn't feel that his needs are met. i am sure some people would call him asshole. but every baby does that. of course babies are authentic. and nobody would call them asshole. what makes an asshole is not anger, but the way an asshole rationalizes or implements the expression of his anger, he explicitly tries to make others feel bad about themselves, or the like. the asshole becomes more destructive of his environment in order to distract his attention from his own experience, which is one of being threatened and angry. the asshole tries to be cool.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMuU25Sk4L4

I see what you mean. Being 'raw and original' despite what people think. But does it mean that trying to improve on say, caring more about others' feelings, makes him not be himself?

 

[Frankie]

I agree with this, it seems to me that being "yourself" can sometimes be more about not being what you're not, in other words; not obstructing your experience of yourself

How does one know what one is. Is it just 'going with the flow'?

 

[nanook]

You can't be raw in this society, the autist is an outsider who can't financially survive. You can either pretend to be less than you are (or something else entirely) or learn to translate what you are into a language that does not threaten other people and fully takes into account the second person perspective (caring about other people), without denying first person perspective. Nonviolent Communication is an attempt to teach this translation in a pragmatic/extroverted way, that does not heavily rely upon introverted emotional intelligence/self-knowledge. If you can't express yourself, you can't experience yourself, in the long run. So you can't get to know yourself. In so far as a self can be said to exist at all, it's mostly something that exists relative to others or relative to (meta to/managing of) the relationships with others. So it's based on expression.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

How does one know what one is. Is it just 'going with the flow'?

I think You can have no idea(or a very vague idea) who you are but still recognize instances when you're not being "yourself"...not being yourself= inhibiting the natural flow of your self experience/expression(With all its complexities and vagueness)

 

[nanook]

basically being yourself means being real in relationships. outside of relationships you can't know yourself, because you don't exist as an object, you only exist as the events that are essentially a bunch of relationships developing. you can be in relationship with nature and surfboards of course.

(but technically this insight counts as "self-knowledge")

 

[Frankie]

Eureka!
How about someone who lacks the 'proper' art of expression or someone whose art of expression is not readily understood by others. Is he being himself by trying to improve his art of expression in relation to others?

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

'proper' art of expression? hmmm
It is a basic need to desire communication or cross pollination of ideas, for that you will probably need things like language that will definitely take away from the complexity of your self expression, but to intentionally modify expression in order to harmonise with other people's selves/expressions is basically trying to -fit in- and censoring "yourself"

 

[Frankie]

'proper' art of expression? hmmm
It is a basic need to desire communication or cross pollination of ideas, for that you will probably need things like language that will definitely take away from the complexity of your self expression, but to intentionally modify expression in order to harmonise with other people's selves/expressions is basically trying to -fit in- and censoring "yourself"

Thank you kind miss.

 

[Frankie]

Ehh... Does it mean that someone who is naturally shy should not try to be a public speaker?

 

[Architect]

What exactly is encapsulated in the phrase 'be yourself'? Does it mean accepting I'm an a-hole and not doing anything to change it or improve? How does one know oneself and how can one be oneself?

Reminds me of somebody I worked with. He was a problem. Hard to work with. Persnickety, caustic, particular about things, nobody liked the guy. His manager approached him, and before he could say anything the guy said "I know, you're going to tell me I'm hard to work with. The problem is, I can't help it."

The guy didn't particularly want to be a problem, but he couldn't help being one, and apparently it was just who he is, he can't change it. My manager friend didn't know what to say ...

So yes, if you're just simply an obnoxious person, you know it, and you have tried but can't change, well then ...

 

[TheManBeyond]

When you try to control people's reactions from your acts it all gets really shaky and you'll probably end up being saw as an asshole / dumb piece of shit.
The wave has lower ends and higher peaks, there's no equilibrium, like you are changing your dress or mask like every 2 minutes in a 1 hour long interaction.
I know that like 90% of people i have met like me after they passed the insecurity barrier i display but how can i tell myself to skip that term i need to be confortable? Even if i know they will like me much quickier it just doesn't work that way.

 

[Yellow]

It's my observation that when people tell you to be yourself, they are telling you to act as if you're comfortable (akin to saying "act natural"). When people say they are just being themselves, they are telling you that they can't be bothered to do/say what is expected of them.

In neither case is someone necessarily being authentic or expecting you to be authentic. We all try to project what we want others to see. Some are better at this than others. And trust me, the people who are "just being themselves" are projecting too, only they loath to admit it.

 

[Idunno]

one is oneself by knowing one self. by most definitions an asshole is someone who fails to know himself. one of your basic needs if not the most basic needs is to be loved. people unlearn who they are, because they become whores for fake conditional love (social acceptance) instead, which is really the expression of a need for survival, which is like a fraction broken out of the broader need of love. but if you become an asshole, you make yourself unlovable, even if you can survive that way, being a survivor is still just a fragment of what you desire to mean to the world. so you don't know yourself anymore either, just like the overly popular person, you don't feel the full spectrum of your basic needs, you are an act, not a whole human being.

nanook where do you find the source to extrapolate all this stuff. i enjoy your posts, but where does the majority of your source come from? books? life experience?

 

[Brontosaurie]

nanook is knowledgeable, informative and pretty exhaustive on this subject. can't add anything. very educative, enlightening. inspiring even.

bit many adjectives there but w/e

EDIT: actually i have one viable addition: there's no reason to assume that everyone is equally capable of or prone to being his/herself.

 

[Brontosaurie]

I think You can have no idea(or a very vague idea) who you are but still recognize instances when you're not being "yourself"...not being yourself= inhibiting the natural flow of your self experience/expression(With all its complexities and vagueness)

very true.

 

[Frankie]

So I've gathered that if one makes a decent effort to 'change/improve' and it still doesn't work, then one should try to get good at 'projecting' or just go with the flow and not give a damn.
Thing is, the more we get to know people, the greater our expectations of them. That translates 'be yourself' into 'try to act as expected in a way that is comfortable to you'

 

[Idunno]

you need to know yourself before you be yourself, or else you will be a lost dog

 

[RandomGeneratedName]

1. Procrastination is a source of recharging
2. It's difficult. Even for someone who stands up against everyone and makes it known they feel/think that way about something.

Calm reflective alone time, and pushing your boundaries a bit with new things to see what you're made of, so to speak.