Therapy

[Jaffa]

Where to begin?

Last month I found out that my wife had been having an affair. We've been together for 8 years and married for 2. I'm only 28 years old so I don't feel like the rest of my life is ruined but I know that I can't stay with her, contrary to her opinions that we can make it work. Anyway, this isn't what this thread is about.

I'm useless with emotions, when I do experience them I'm never sure if they're the right ones that I should be having. I find myself trying to be objective and rational, even after finding out about the affair I found myself introspectively putting the pieces together to see how this had happened and then thinking about my future; living on my own (very appealing), doing the things that I want to do and moving back to where I grew up to be near to my family and friends.

But I keep double guessing myself. I was working away yesterday and last night in the hotel room I very nearly almost got in the car, drove the 3 hours home and got in bed next to her forgetting everything that had happened. Today I'm glad that I didn't. I just don't know how to deal with these thoughts (emotions?).

A close friend suggested that I see a therapist and talk about it. He had seen one a few years back and asked me to just go once, put any preconceptions that I may have about 'therapy' and the stigma attached to it out of my mind and give it a go, I've got nothing to lose, right?

But how do I even start with it? I e-mailed a few places and one of them seemed on my level, I'm booked in for Thursday @ 10AM. Do I just turn up, sit in the chair and talk about how I feel for an hour? I don't even know how I feel. I just feel empty most of the time and then when I'm alone, in bed at night for example, I think about her and miss her.

The guy I'm going to see is a 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapist' and an expert in 'Mindfulness', whatever that means. I can see myself sitting and talking about cognitive functions and the MBTI for an hour... But anything to get away from this talk about emotions, isn't that for Feelers?

Not interested in opinions on the marriage or the cheating whore of a wife - Very interested in hearing your views on Therapy... if you've been and how you opened up? Did it work for you?

 

[The Gopher]

Well a good therapist will make it natural. Just be honest and say you don't know what you feel. They'll try to work you out and guide you. (assuming they are any good)

As far as "mindfulness" goes that's a interesting area if it's what I think it is. (and not some hocus pocus) I don't see how it applies to your direct situation however. Talking about emotions isn't for feelers they feel them :P (I was kidding but anyone can talk about them)

That said I have never been to therapy but I have talked to many people that have.

Yeah try to put preconceptions behind... despite making a thread to generate preconceptions.

 

[Jennywocky]

Been in therapy. I avoided it for years because I didn't think it would tell me anything I didn't already know -- but it was the interactive parts of therapy and the "safe space" where I could say anything I felt and thought without repercussion that helped me work through some problems. So although i did not go until my early 30's, I am glad I did.

You're pre-thinking the appointment (which of course a lot of people here do, including me!) -- but really, it's more a matter of showing up and seeing what happens. Seeing if you like the guy. Seeing if you trust him enough to just say what comes into your head. Seeing if you feel able to be open around him.

It's basically their job to create an environment in which you can feel open to talk and to help instigate conversation when things get stuck, so hopefully if he's any good at his job or likes his job, it should go okay. You likely won't have any earth-shattering revelations in the first session, but as a CBT'er, he's geared to examine what kinds of messages you hold in your head about yourself and about life and to see what can be tweaked / spun around to liberate you from bad messaging and self-assumption. Sometimes we view the world in a way that locks us in a self-defeating or painful cycle, and his focus suggests he can help with that -- using the power of rationality to reframe things and make changes to your life.

 

[Minuend]

Finding a personality you can actually trust seems a bit difficult. I've seen two different therapists. The first one was something of an ESFJ when I was a teenager. He was a complete tool and couldn't relate to me at all.

The one I'm going to now is an INFP, and even though she is probably a capable therapist and insightful enough for some people, she doesn't strike me as particularly perceptive or intelligent (it should be said my standards are quite high when it comes to people who have potential influence over my life like doctors, therapists etc).

There's also something about having a more difficult time being understood when you're weird or when it seems to be assumed your perspectives and understandings are below or different from what they really are. Or that it is assumed you have very irrational ideas like panic over minor things or feel guilty about stuff you shouldn't feel guilty about but which many people do.

I'm also starting to get annoyed from her tone of voice, which seems constructed to some degree.

But in general anything that involves humans means you will meet someone who most likely have a different understanding or interest in life and thus they will often seem ignorant in a way. Like they are unable to understand certain aspects of life or people. Generally I also find the knowledge of such personnel lacking. I do not have confidence they know the complete picture of what they are talking.

But if you are there to talk about your thoughts and feelings about this one topic in particular, I do think it has a greater potential of being useful than when you are overall fucked up. So yeah, give it a try.

Also, the first hour is usually more of an introductory thing where you are asked about your family, job etc and maybe what you want out of the talks. At least that seems to be the case around here.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

My experience:

I received a number of complaints from friends and my gf at the time about my level of empathy. Valuing these relationships, I decided to go to therapy to therapy to develop empathy or Fe. I went for 1 hour a week for six months. Nothing changed. The therapist/patient relationship doesn't work for me. I didn't feel as if I were opening up even when I described what I called personal things. It just won't happen. The therapist-patient relationship is not reciprocal. My thoughts were continuously along the lines of "who the fuck is this person I am talking to?" It could just be that my friends were not realizing that there is something called personality theory.

A highlight was that my therapist became attracted to me for a while. Sadly, when I cancelled she was quite angry and upset.

---

My advice is that you go, be open and see how it turns out. There is nothing wrong with seeing one. It is confidential.

If were in your position and my wife cheated on me, I would be pretty damn angry and hurt. These sorts of emotions are what you need to get off your chest.

---

Why are you in a hotel? You are not the one who cheated, she did. She should be in the hotel. Bad behavior should not be rewarded. Though, if you like being in a hotel, all the power to you.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

I'm sorry to hear about your marital difficulties. I've been a therapist (many years ago) and been to therapy for what thats worth. A cognitive behavioral therapist is probably better suited for behavioral problems such as OCD, phobias in general and the like. In your situation, you may find a better fit with a marital therapist even if your wife won't be going with you. That's not unusual at all. In general, I find these guidelines to be the most important in finding a good therapist. Don't just go to anyone. Interviewing a therapist is a good way to go about it.

*Stay away from therapists who tell you what to do. Any therapist worth their weight will ask the right questions to help YOU make decisions.
*A good therapist helps you understand how past issues align in the present. I DON'T think endless sessions digging up the past and childhood wounds is helpful. Working in your present will take you the furthest.
*Diagnosis is useful only for insurance purposes.
*Look for someone older. It's not a guarantee but a therapist will have limited effectiveness if he/she hasn't gone through and come out the other side in dealing with their own shit. You can get a clue if you sense wisdom (not just analytical faculty). Another clue is do you feel slightly uncomfortable? This is good because being too comfortable with a therapist is someone who won't confront you. You want to feel productively uncomfortable.
*Lastly, keep on interviewing or finding the right one. If you don't think it's going anywhere, stop and keep on looking.

 

[Pyropyro]

I went to a counselor at the recommendation of my mom who herself is also a counselor. Yeah, you basically plop yourself on the couch and get ready for an emotional surgery. I found it much easier to relate to and trust them since he was a friend of my mom. I was also expecting that I'll get a discount from him because of the friendship and I did. The sessions were painful but it's worth it since I have a lot of suppressed stuff boiling behind the Ti wall. Facing those demons was kind of a nightmare but it turns out that I simply have to accept them as they are me.

Off topic: Cheating is plain wrong. Hope you bounce back soon.

 

[Jaffa]

Thanks for the feedback.

All I will say is that I'm also partly to blame as I haven't really paid her much attention over the past 12 months, I've been occupied with 'more important' things (which unfortunately doesn't involve sitting with her in front of the TV watching some romance film).

I'm going tomorrow morning, I'm hoping it will help to bring my emotions and shortcomings to the forefront of my mind - I just want to be able to reflect, accept and move-on with life. I'll report back.

 

[King_Be_Us]

Let me know. I've been to a couple and have some good feedback I think I could provide you personally. Good luck!

 

[EditorOne]

This forum is kind of therapeutic. We at least get to "normalize" our experiences by reaffirming the epiphany that other people have the same outlooks, paradigms, limits and challenges, plus there is something to the proposition that a burden shared is lighter.
Please let us know it turns out. The counseling, I mean. You appeared to have reached resolution on the marriage. (And in a pretty INTP way: Betrayal on that scale is a relationship destroyer.)

 

[Jaffa]

It went well. It was pretty much an hour of talking about me, the therapist asked a few questions which helped me to make my own conclusions - he asked questions which I'd never really asked myself and simply allowed me to stumble upon how I really felt. It was a nice experience. He looked ALOT like Lance Sweets from Bones, so I did struggle to take him seriously for the first 10 minutes or so.

I did mention about going again and he said he would e-mail me with his availability, but that didn't happen. Meh, I don't think I need to see him again.

It's 8 weeks on since I found out and while I know that I need to get away from her I'm still a depressed anti-social loser. I went out on a date on Sunday which went well, it's going to be a good distraction from all of this which is going on.

 

[Oddity]

he asked questions which I'd never really asked myself

Examples?

 

[mrrhq]

Therapy is useless to me.
I can be my own therapist.

 

[Jaffa]

Examples?

He helped to get down to the route of what actually caused the relationship to break down.

I had my own problems, of which I didn’t think were a contributing factor but they were. I was open and honest with him and he helped me to see that they played their part in pushing her away. For example, she was very house proud, I wasn’t. I earn alot and paid for most of the renovations, when it came to choosing a new bathroom my attitude was “Just pick whatever you want, as long as it makes you happy I don’t care” – he helped me to see that this was harmful to the relationship as it needed to be a joint decision (without actually telling me so). I have better things to think about than which shade of tiles match a particular colour of towels; whatever. It was helpful, I suppose.

I went to try and make myself feel better because, after all, I think that is the purpose of life; happiness, right? But if anything it has just depressed me even more because now I know that I played a large part in the breakdown of the marriage. I could still go back to her and could still probably fix things but it isn’t the right thing to do. We both need to move on, we met when I was 18 and I’m now 28. We grew up together and grew apart. The closer I got to her the more introverted I became and more I shut off the rest of the world, not good for me. It’s now 4 months on and I’m just starting to get some kind of social life back together and I also went out on a date, which has put a new perspective on things.

The extravert in me has been unleashed, again. For now.

 

[StevenM]

Therapy is useless to me.
I can be my own therapist.

That was kind of the point with my therapy experience. The idea was to suggest things I could do, and tools I could use on my own, to essentially be my own therapist. It is in hopes that I utilize these tools, and never have to return to a therapist again.

 

[Crystabelle]

Therapy is useless to me.
I can be my own therapist.

You don't think there could possibly be things you don't see within yourself that a trained outside perspective could help with?

 

[Turnevies]

You don't think there could possibly be things you don't see within yourself that a trained outside perspective could help with?

This is not something you should say to an INTP (or possibly NT in general).

We like to define our own metrics of what psychologically healthy means (not get them enforced by society) and if we do have a problem we treat it efficiently: analyze it, google it, and solve it.

Of course, if anything gets really serious, it might be a good idea to look for a professional, but I'm pretty confident there is nothing seriously wrong with mrrhq, we are just not so hesitant to put some sarcasm in our language.

 

[Jennywocky]

Is mhhrq still around? That was three years ago.

Anyway, when I went to therapy, what i needed more was a place I could just be me to figure myself out, vs a therapist to tell me things I already knew. My therapist provided that, since I had no other real place to do that. I could get some feedback just so I could reassure myself I wasn't way off track.

Still, even the most Independent thinker can make a wrong assumption.

 

[Crystabelle]

Is mhhrq still around? That was three years ago.

Anyway, when I went to therapy, what i needed more was a place I could just be me to figure myself out, vs a therapist to tell me things I already knew. My therapist provided that, since I had no other real place to do that. I could get some feedback just so I could reassure myself I wasn't way off track.

Still, even the most Independent thinker can make a wrong assumption.

Jenny (and all INTPs),

Is there a particular type of therapist you looked for? What specialization did you find most helpful? This is a little off topic, I know, but I'd like to find a marriage counselor for my husband (INTP) and myself (ENFJ). I think it might be most beneficial to find somebody who can relate to my husband moreso than myself.

 

[Reluctantly]

I had bad experience with therapists. One got annoyed with me for not spilling my thoughts out. The other tried to tell me how I should think.

The best therapy for me is to get away from everything and be alone and embrace that feeling, that oneness with the void (a kind of Śūnyatā perhaps). Then everything feels much clearer. Maybe that's why I'm fascinated with death.