The Random Thoughts Thread

[TBerg]

Pornography is the channeling of reproductive and creative impulses into nonproductive enterprises and machinations.

Don't let it kill you too.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Pornography is the channeling of reproductive and creative impulses into nonproductive enterprises and machinations.

Don't let it kill you too.

It's also an underdeveloped form of art.

 

[Jennywocky]

I feel so alone, I just want a cat to cuddle.

I've got a dog next to me, but it's not the same.

There's nothing like that little paw nonchalantly reaching out for you. I put mine down a couple of months back (the inevitable came calling). He was about 16.5 - 17 yrs old and had been with me for about 15 years. I feel liberated now that I am no longer responsible for another living soul, but there's a void which used to be filled by his affection for me (i am selfish like that) and likely also my affection for him.

It occurs to me that most of the physical affection or even physical contact of any kind with other living creatures I have experienced during that time came in the form of cat cuddles. My cat is dead, and apparently I need a new hug dispenser. Hadn't thought about that until just now. (ROFL?!)

(Am not getting another one any time soon. Must first taste my freedom for a while.)

Depends on the dog or cat. Thelma the cat is a snuggler, as long as you don't pet her the the wrong way, in which case she'll claw or bite you. Louise, now dead, wasn't a snuggler. But she was a serious head bumper and had the most wonderful purr. I never had to worry about her doing anything other than expressing love.

My cat has Avoidance issues.

He will follow me around the apartment but sit down nearby, just out of reach. At night he sleeps at the one corner of my bed, again conveniently nearby but just barely out of reach. He tolerates my hugging him anyway (although occasionally hopping down and disappearing if I'm too smothering). He can't handle being completely alone, he wants to be nearby... but not THAT nearby.

He does get momentarily clingy when it's feeding time.

Sometimes it's irritating that he doesn't want to be close, but yeah, he's the only living thing in my space so I coexist with him for the amount that's there. It's just that I have friends with cats who are much more affectionate. I've considered giving him away partly to avoid having to deal with the litterbox and the scratched/chewed items on occasion, but then there would be nothing else alive in my apartment. It might drive me a little nuts. There was a time when I didn't want anything else in my space; then I had kids and got used to a lot of noise and clutter and movement; now I kind of need something not at the extremes.

 

[bvanevery]

Try showing affection on his terms, not yours. i.e. Don't try to cuddle him. Try head bumping / rubbing with him.

 

[Bad Itch]

My cat has Avoidance issues.

He will follow me around the apartment but sit down nearby, just out of reach. At night he sleeps at the one corner of my bed, again conveniently nearby but just barely out of reach. He tolerates my hugging him anyway (although occasionally hopping down and disappearing if I'm too smothering). He can't handle being completely alone, he wants to be nearby... but not THAT nearby.

He does get momentarily clingy when it's feeding time.

Sometimes it's irritating that he doesn't want to be close, but yeah, he's the only living thing in my space so I coexist with him for the amount that's there. It's just that I have friends with cats who are much more affectionate. I've considered giving him away partly to avoid having to deal with the litterbox and the scratched/chewed items on occasion, but then there would be nothing else alive in my apartment. It might drive me a little nuts. There was a time when I didn't want anything else in my space; then I had kids and got used to a lot of noise and clutter and movement; now I kind of need something not at the extremes.

Does he give you head bumps? That's a sign of trust (i read that somewhere once).

My cat was someone else's cat originally; they had a baby and were moving to a "no pets" rental for more space. It took a solid year before he really accepted me - It took some work. He seemed much like yours during that time, as an example he would sit at the opposite end of the sofa from me or on another piece of furniture.

I gave him his space, but I would verbally acknowledge him when he entered the room, and if I walked by him I would smooth him on my way past, or stop long enough to give him a gentle peck on the top of his head (this eventually evolved into a nose bump which he would initiate). Also scratched his back for just a second after putting his food out for him. After some time he started to chirp back at me when I gave him verbal acknowledgement.

In our second year I went away for two weeks for work, and the day I returned I flopped exhausted onto my bed for a nap and when I awoke I found him curled up against one of my legs - this was a first. After that he seemed more comfortable, and I think that's when we first really started to bond.

For the last ten years he was always within reach, or nestled against me when I was sitting, even if there was seriously no room for him. He used to like sleeping on my bed, between my feet but I developed some rather aggressive restlessness while sleeping and to avoid getting kicked he took to sleeping elsewhere, though he would hang with me for half an hour or so before wandering off to a safer nap-spot.

That your cat follows you around tells me he's bonding with you even a little, so that's good. Have you had him for long?

 

[Jennywocky]

Does he give you head bumps? That's a sign of trust (i read that somewhere once).

He's a somewhat anxious cat. He only bumps me when my alarm goes off, and he sees me stirring -- so he comes over on the bed and curls up next to me because he knows it's feeding time. That lasts about 10-15 minutes if I don't get up, and that's his "warm and fuzzy time" until tomorrow.

That your cat follows you around tells me he's bonding with you even a little, so that's good. Have you had him for long?

I got him when he was a few months old -- he and his siblings were found in a cardboard box alongside the road. I got him from the humane society. That was about five years ago.

Yeah, I have picked up that him following me around SO consistently is his way of saying he cares. He won't let me hold him long, but he also likes to hover nearby. And if I am gone too long, he waits for me. He also likes to meow from the window if I go out to sit on the porch. I've just had to accept that this is his temperament and go with it; he's definitely unique.

My cat was someone else's cat originally; they had a baby and were moving to a "no pets" rental for more space. It took a solid year before he really accepted me - It took some work. He seemed much like yours during that time, as an example he would sit at the opposite end of the sofa from me or on another piece of furniture.

I gave him his space, but I would verbally acknowledge him when he entered the room, and if I walked by him I would smooth him on my way past, or stop long enough to give him a gentle peck on the top of his head (this eventually evolved into a nose bump which he would initiate). Also scratched his back for just a second after putting his food out for him. After some time he started to chirp back at me when I gave him verbal acknowledgement.

That's cute... I usually pay attention to my cat when we're in the same room -- he's a master at walking in, walking over to me and standing/walking around JUST out of reach, and then curling up again just outside my arm length. Although if I reach over to touch him, I know how to do it now so that he doesn't get up and leave.

Occasionally we've get into the vocalizing thing, where I'll say something and he'll chirp back and we'll do it back and forth.

In our second year I went away for two weeks for work, and the day I returned I flopped exhausted onto my bed for a nap and when I awoke I found him curled up against one of my legs - this was a first. After that he seemed more comfortable, and I think that's when we first really started to bond.

For the last ten years he was always within reach, or nestled against me when I was sitting, even if there was seriously no room for him. He used to like sleeping on my bed, between my feet but I developed some rather aggressive restlessness while sleeping and to avoid getting kicked he took to sleeping elsewhere, though he would hang with me for half an hour or so before wandering off to a safer nap-spot.

Aww. That's great that he eventually warmed up to you that way and has been pretty consistently.

Mine ended up ripping off the whole underside liner of my box springs. Sigh. So I finally just took off what remained. Now he likes to crawl up inside the boxsprings and hang out when he's not feeling like socializing.

he sometimes just gets anxious regardless. like, I'm not walking any different, but he'll hear me coming towards the kitchen if he's in there, and he suddenly scurries out past me like he's guilty of something and runs into the bedroom, and I start laughing at him like, "Dude, what are you DOING?"

 

[Minuend]

I have a cat who's a bit anxious as well. She has gotten better, though. Talking to her in different tones of voices depending on my intentions seem to make her feel safe. Then she knows what I'm planning on doing, whether I'm just walking by her or whatever. I also at some point started lifting her, hug her carefully and put her back down over the course of a few slow seconds. So now she's not scared about being picked up, but she is usually tense when I do it. But recently I've found she sometimes relaxes. (Not that I do it often)

She didn't talk/ meow at all when kitten. I thought she might be unable to. Now she talks a lottt. And she sometimes answers me when I talk to her. She can also come up to me and meow if she wants something. She's like 9

Oh, and she likes whistling! But she prefers entire, catchy melodies/ songs.

I know some people think it's weird to talk to your animal in different tones, but animals very noticeably love it.

Just tales from a crazy cat lady.

he sometimes just gets anxious regardless. like, I'm not walking any different, but he'll hear me coming towards the kitchen if he's in there, and he suddenly scurries out past me like he's guilty of something and runs into the bedroom, and I start laughing at him like, "Dude, what are you DOING?"

Yeah, mine too and I say mockingly "I'm just going to make tea, I'm not going to kill you, jeez"

 

[TBerg]

For the virtual animal enthusiasts among us, there seems to be a vast conspiracy against them:

https://youtu.be/5fdMLVoGiuE

 

[Bad Itch]

For the virtual animal enthusiasts among us, there seems to be a vast conspiracy against them:

Pokemonetized!

 

[Sinny91]

Is transgenderism a severe form of body mutilation?

 

[smithcommajohn]

For the virtual animal enthusiasts among us, there seems to be a vast conspiracy against them:

https://youtu.be/5fdMLVoGiuE

That guy must be tripping balls...

I've never bought Poké Balls. I currently have 84 Poké Balls (Good), 96 Great Balls (Better), and 45 Ultra Balls (Best, maybe). That's after playing all day and catching 8 trillion Pokémon and stopping at 50 billion Poké Stops (which give me free balls all the time). The key is to hit Poké Stops frequently to restock ammo.

 

[TBerg]

Is transgenderism a severe form of body mutilation?

I would say that it is for many people.

 

[Sinny91]

I would say that it is for many people.

Ditto, I think.

Pasta... Do you leave it in the water it was cooked in, drain it completely or put it in new water to stop it from going all starchy?

Sincerely,
Somebody who can't cook.

 

[Jennywocky]

Is transgenderism a severe form of body mutilation?

Considering you're conflating your terminology, definitely not.

 

[Bad Itch]

Ditto, I think.

Pasta... Do you leave it in the water it was cooked in, drain it completely or put it in new water to stop it from going all starchy?

Sincerely,
Somebody who can't cook.

Sometimes I rinse it in cool water in a colander which seems to accomplish two things:

1) shocks it and stops it from cooking more (I like mine a bit al dente).

2) washes off some of the starch.

 

[Sinny91]

Considering you're conflating your terminology, definitely not.

Oh yea. Ok, transsexualism. There's too many isms in the world.

Cheers Itch.

 

[TBerg]

A lot of the Italian chefs I see on TV say not to rinse it, and to save some of the starchy water as an addition to the sauce. They say that rinsing it takes away the flavor.

Adding the sauce right after draining the water also allows the pasta to absorb some of the flavor of the sauce while it is all hot.

 

[TBerg]

On another note. I am waiting to be picked up after a chiropractor appointment. The before-and-after difference is real. The range of neck movement is semi-normal now.

 

[Sinny91]

On another note. I am waiting to be picked up after a chiropractor appointment. The before-and-after difference is real. The range of neck movement is semi-normal now.

Ta for the feedback.. Think I've heard them say that too, now that I think about it.

I totally need to see a chiropractor, they'd have a field day on me.

***

Well, I've just stumbled across E-counselling offering a 7 day free trail.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I should try it out.

I'm sure I have demons, I'm just not sure what they are.

Should I tell them that Ima pig headed cunt who can't seem to keep herself out of arguments online? And ask them to get to the bottom of it?

Lol.

 

[TBerg]

I don't want to presume to know you well-enough to give you specific advice, but I can say that Tim Ferriss and the role models I discovered through his material (books, podcast, blog) have given me a new lease on life. And Nietzsche is necessary to understand anything from a non-Christian, deracinated standpoint.

I find that in the absence of stable role models in my real life that I need some daily inspiration from people I can hold in high esteem.

Penelope Trunk also has some interesting stuff for weird people.

Trying to think of things for which I am grateful seems to remedy a whole host of ills. And declining to get drunk also keeps me from having vulnerable mental weakness.

 

[bvanevery]

Should I tell them that Ima pig headed cunt who can't seem to keep herself out of arguments online? And ask them to get to the bottom of it?

Since you have some behavioral self-awareness... have you tried going to a book store and perusing the "self-help" section? You may see something that seems like it "may help". If you want to be cheap about it, you can do your research at the book store, then go to the public library to find something "categorically appropriate".

 

[TBerg]

Tim Ferriss tells you to pirate his own books. That would make them free. Aim high, aspire to his lifestyle, and you will never tire of the addiction of playing his self-improvement lottery. And you will learn something along the way.

 

[Sinny91]

Since you have some behavioral self-awareness... have you tried going to a book store and perusing the "self-help" section? You may see something that seems like it "may help". If you want to be cheap about it, you can do your research at the book store, then go to the public library to find something "categorically appropriate".

Self help section in the bookstore..

No I haven't, but I bet that would be a fun exercise.

Im gunna google self help books and see if I can find an appropriate title.

It's one of those instances, dunno what I'm looking for until I've found it.

Also, cheers Tberg. Much brain food.

 

[TBerg]

Is it possible for you to express your frustrations, Sinny?

Zarathustra knows that I have used this forum plenty to do that myself.

 

[Sinny91]

Is it possible for you to express your frustrations, Sinny?

What do you think I do on this forum all day everyday? haha

Nah, I need to fix up my lifestyle.. But it's been a really tough year.

I should be taking my frustrations out down at the gym, rather than here.
I intend to get 'there', at some point.

 

[Bad Itch]

Self help section in the bookstore..

No I haven't, but I bet that would be a fun exercise.

Im gunna google self help books and see if I can find an appropriate title.

It's one of those instances, dunno what I'm looking for until I've found it.

Also, cheers Tberg. Much brain food.

I thought i needed to be more... zen. So I started reading some stuff and was all "wtf meh?", but then I read (more like listened to an audio book version of... not my usual MO but whatever) Alan Watts "The Way of Zen" which was a bit more meta and gave me... something. Maybe a foundation to improvise some tools on my own terms which may or may not be helping me at all. Like.... Buddhism is not for me, I can't meditate for shit and WTF koans? But this doesn't stop me from using my own intuited interpretations of some of the core concepts.

Also I just killed one of those baby spiders which I spotted lurching across my keyboard. Not very "zen" of me but making karma is folly so fuck it.

Folly... spurious... these seem to be my favorite words of the day. Life is good.

 

[TBerg]

If you combine it with a few push-ups and sit-ups, swimming is better.

Do whatever you can at home. Then you have no excuses and a lot more opportunities for consistency.

 

[TBerg]

A deep wound is something to behold. It will be covered by a scab. It might get infected. But I don't know what will happen when I intervene in its healing.

That is a predicament that faces me right now. There is something to which I want to return my mental energy, but I dare not. The minute I begin my journey backwards into this memory of traumatic landmines, the worst of me comes to the fore. I become angry and wrathful, something that has limited my vitality. I must not return to such thoughts.

The memory that grips me with such passion involves my confrontations with my dad while he was deplorably absent while drinking. It was the beginning of my quick temper, but not the end. I reacted to his behavior with both blood and tears, but they went unheeded for a very long time, time enough for me to become profoundly detached from affection for my dad.

Now I am being asked to help him quit drinking, something he says he wants to do. He has declared this before--many, many times--which means my hope in this area has been tempered by the strike of hammer after hammer over the years. Just thinking about it dampens my general sense of hope for the world. That is something that has hampered my progress throughout the years, and so I must not pursue the trains of thought of the past but must reach towards a better future attitude. Thus I must learn to expose myself to trauma again and reach for an understanding of my past in a new light, a light of greater hope.

But I don't want my hope to be dashed again. That is why I fear picking at my wound healing from an infection. I have it relatively under control, and I don't want gangrene to spread. I don't want to lose hope forever. I will not pick at the scab.

 

[Sinny91]

"So sorry" - Actually sorry
"Sorry about that" - Not really sorry
"Sorry you feel that way" - Not sorry at all
"Sorry, but" - Apologise to me

 

[bvanevery]

"I'm sorry that you...." Complete asshole remark from someone who does not believe in and has no intention of giving an apology.

 

[Sinny91]

My best friend bores me so much when we're on stimulants.

1) He talks far too much
2) He repeats himself far too much
3) He's always telling me shit that doesn't interest me in the slightest
4) He moans that I aint as buzzed as him
5) I'd talk more, if you'd just stop cutting me off every time I start a sentence/story
6) I can't tell him how he makes me feel because he'll get overly defensive
7) Thank fuck that's over with.

 

[Veravera]

don't know why i keep doing this but after reading about 746835652 articles on a certain topic, i feel like i know literally nothing and am more confused than when i started

maybe if i sleep on it i'll get my answers

"I'm sorry that you...." Complete asshole remark from someone who does not believe in and has no intention of giving an apology.

"i'm sorry you feel that way"
"i'm sorry you misunderstood"
"i'm sorry you got that impression"
"i'm sorry that i tried to help"
"i'm sorry to have bothered you" (usually said to make you feel guilty for giving them a firm 'no')

and other variations
= non-apologies

 

[onesteptwostep]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAesMQ6VtK8

 

[Tannhauser]

"being good with people" mostly means kissing a lot of ass and pretending to be interested.

 

[bvanevery]

6) I can't tell him how he makes me feel because he'll get overly defensive

Actually you can. Not telling him is a choice. Why make it one way or the other? Do you think you have to put up with people being really really annoying, in order to like you? Do you think nobody should ever get any feedback on how they act?

 

[bvanevery]

"being good with people" mostly means kissing a lot of ass and pretending to be interested.

Sometimes it can also mean being genuinely interested in the life and welfare of other people, rather than just yourself. Some people seem to have more of a supply of that than others.

 

[bvanevery]

Regarding the video about WeChat. So, uh,

1. Don't live in China
2. Ditch your "smart" phone

 

[Tannhauser]

Sometimes it can also mean being genuinely interested in the life and welfare of other people, rather than just yourself. Some people seem to have more of a supply of that than others.

That sounds very cute.

How does one become blessed with the interest in the trivialities of other people's lives?

 

[bvanevery]

How does one become blessed with the interest in the trivialities of other people's lives?

Some people may be born with more of it. Some people may be conditioned to have more of it. Especially women, who are frequently brainwashed to worry about other people's needs first, rather than their own.

But as far as making a choice about being more interested in others, when one is not so inclined... the usual route is to "drain the swamp" of the toxicity and negativity in one's own life. When you're wallowing in your own misery and cynicism, you're not likely to give a damn about anyone else. Solve your own problems and hey, like magic (not really rocket science), you will probably find yourself with more capacity to care about others.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

That sounds very cute.

How does one become blessed with the interest in the trivialities of other people's lives?

It might be hard to find people interesting if you don't think your own life is so. Do you think you may be depressed?

Shared activities are another way to show interest, this way the feeling can be mutual and possibly productive. What's interesting or exciting to you? Can you find people to do this with?

 

[Sinny91]

Actually you can. Not telling him is a choice.

Durr. What I meant, without realising I had to specific about it, was that I can't tell him without dealing with consequences which I don't want to deal with.

Why make it one way or the other? Do you think you have to put up with people being really really annoying, in order to like you?

He's my best friend of 11 years, I'm pretty sure he likes me, lol.

Do you think nobody should ever get any feedback on how they act?

No, I think people should get feedback, most of the time.

I'm not willing to tell him because:

1) I don't want to be subject of his defenses which will inevitably be triggered by the inevitable offense that my information will cause him.

I'm just waiting for him to realise that he bores the fuck out of me, as the penny must surely drop at some point. He's not stupid, he's just overly excitable whilst on drugs. If he realises on his own, I skip the whole 'offense' caused aspect.

2) I don't want to discourage him from his recently discovered adventurous side, which enables my adventurous side far more than his none adventurous side.

It's all new to him, but I was doing this shit years ago.

So me not telling him is mostly due to completely selfish reasons... Which is no surprise to me, because it's me we're talking about.

If I were to tell him, it wouldn't change much about our relationship , I'd just get a lecture off him, and he might be less inclined to do drugs with me.

Boring or not, he's my best friend, and we do shit together, yo! lol

His lecture would mainly consist of the fact that he think's I've become boring.. which is fair enough I suppose, maybe I agree with him - But it takes more than a bag of coke to excite me these days.

 

[bvanevery]

3) I'm just waiting for him to realise that he bores the fuck out of me, as the penny must surely drop at some point. He's not stupid, he's just overly excitable whilst on drugs.If he realises on his own, I skip the whole 'offense' caused aspect.

It's all new to him, but I was doing this shit years ago.

Well why don't you try yawning louder and harder etc? Give more and more obvious "I'm bored" clues? Change the subject abruptly and obnoxiously.

My Mom does that. I don't think she does it consciously, for spite. I think if I rattle on about something, her mind just wanders off. Then she pipes up with whatever she actually felt like thinking about, which isn't anything to do with what I had been saying. Sometimes I call her on it, it depends. Other times I just accept that I've managed to bore my Mom, that she wasn't comfortable with the subject, I'm more into it than she is, whatever.

 

[Tannhauser]

It might be hard to find people interesting if you don't think your own life is so. Do you think you may be depressed?

Shared activities are another way to show interest, this way the feeling can be mutual and possibly productive. What's interesting or exciting to you? Can you find people to do this with?

I think your thoughtfulness is honorable, Icy. But to answer your last question: yes. To answer about whether I am depressed: I am not.

I appreciate friendships which are built on mutual interests and passions. Being "good with people" is all about appealing to the common denominator, being able to fluff people and waste their time by exchanging trivialities endlessly.

I'd say if you are not interested in other people's trivialities, that's a virtue.

 

[Sinny91]

Well why don't you try yawning louder and harder etc? Give more and more obvious "I'm bored" clues? Change the subject abruptly and obnoxiously.

I was considering that, and maybe I should put more effort into doing that.

But I suppose lately I'm doing that typical woman shit - expecting people to mind read. But from my POV, does my blank face not say it all? I'm not a robot, if I'm amused, I will laugh.

I've been trying to figure out if he's a sensor or not, but I haven't come up with anything conclusive, it's annoying me.

 

[bvanevery]

But I suppose lately I'm doing that typical woman shit - expecting people to mind read. But from my POV, does my blank face not say it all? I'm not a robot, if I'm amused, I will laugh.

Young men are clueless. Even older men can be lacking in many areas of the emotional reading dept. We may have learned some of it as a survival skill, we may not. A younger man basically can't tell WTF a woman wants. From our standpoint, they do almost nothing to make anything about their internal states clear. Sometimes we even wonder if they know what their own internal states are.

If you don't think someone is "getting it," you need to use more and more explicit cues until they finally do get it. If you have a problem just outright saying what's on your mind for some reason.

 

[bvanevery]

I'd say if you are not interested in other people's trivialities, that's a virtue.

People often engage in trivialities upon meeting other people, because they are nervous, and don't have much of an idea of what else they'd fill the air with. Rather than regarding such people with contempt, you might cue in on them being nervous, and resolve whether you want to do something about it. If you think trivialities aren't worth the time, you could "lead by example" and offer something non-trivial to talk about. Maybe they'll bite, maybe it'll be too much for them and they won't like the situation you've put them in. Doesn't matter to you though, because you really didn't care that much to begin with. But I think making an effort to communicate with people "more like how you personally would like it to go," is better than silently sneering at them for being such nunces. Which often isn't true or fair.

Discovering someone else's core values is an actual communication skill. "Why would I care?" is an exercise left to the reader. Men often try to go up a learning curve in that regard because they're trying to get laid.

Truthfully though I find many people, including women, to be incredibly boring and I don't find myself motivated to make lots of effort with them. Then when there actually is a flicker of genuine mutual interest, I often find myself caught short as far as keeping my tongue moving. Probably for lack of practice in any social graces. Also most people / women "shut down" really quickly whenever any kind of connection starts. "Oh look at the time, I've gotta go do X." Busy busy busy, certainly can't let any life happen.

 

[Jennywocky]

People often engage in trivialities upon meeting other people, because they are nervous, and don't have much of an idea of what else they'd fill the air with. Rather than regarding such people with contempt, you might cue in on them being nervous, and resolve whether you want to do something about it. If you think trivialities aren't worth the time, you could "lead by example" and offer something non-trivial to talk about. Maybe they'll bite, maybe it'll be too much for them and they won't like the situation you've put them in. Doesn't matter to you though, because you really didn't care that much to begin with. But I think making an effort to communicate with people "more like how you personally would like it to go," is better than silently sneering at them for being such nunces. Which often isn't true or fair.

I agree -- the inner sneering doesn't really help matters or maintain an attitude of openness.

At worst, "trivialities" are a necessary evil of getting into someone's head and developing enough talk to reach the juicy nougat inside. Or at best, there can be some interesting things learned there of a practical nature or simply a random trivia nature, at least for me. The back-and-forth does allow others to feel comfortable as well, and sometimes that opens things up for other types of talk.

Discovering someone else's core values is an actual communication skill. "Why would I care?" is an exercise left to the reader. Men often try to go up a learning curve in that regard because they're trying to get laid.

heh. Of course, it's not like that can't be picked up on... which then depending on whether the attraction is mutual can improve or diminish the connection.

Truthfully though I find many people, including women, to be incredibly boring and I don't find myself motivated to make lots of effort with them. Then when there actually is a flicker of genuine mutual interest, I often find myself caught short as far as keeping my tongue moving. Probably for lack of practice in any social graces.

And there ya go, another reason to "practice" ... so that when one of those opportunities opens up where a person might want to connect, they have built their skills to maintain the communication exchange.

Also most people / women "shut down" really quickly whenever any kind of connection starts. "Oh look at the time, I've gotta go do X." Busy busy busy, certainly can't let any life happen.

People do do that, although it tells you something about them.

I'd be wary about overreading into such a thing -- people often do have things to do, and I find that my interest no longer matches my energy pool as I get older. I just don't have the stamina I used to have when I was interested in something or someone, so even where there's a will, the way is a bit less easily traversed.

But yeah, I find I've kind of given up a bit, with that SX variant... I just won't find people who are interested in going where I usually want to go, for whatever reason. I'm learning to appreciate it when I find it.

 

[bvanevery]

I'd be wary about overreading into such a thing -- people often do have things to do,

There's nothing to overread. Most people are stressed out. They run around like robots, and they haven't developed any other way to exist. Maybe some of the retirees are more relaxed than this, but that's still not my age bracket for certain things. When a woman, for instance, starts disengaging herself with that "I'm busy / have to be busy" vibe, you're in a pickle. You can either get her phone number right there, the pressure of which may not be accepted, or you can try to reconnect by common social context later. Someone in my shoes, with my lifestyle, has almost no common recurring social context with any women. So I'm typically hosed. A lot of women expect ongoing social maintenance games to lubricate their interest, like they've gotta see you in the same place a few times. If your life isn't arranged to have those "captive audience" women around, you're at a serious disadvantage. Not an impossible disadvantage but it means you're climbing uphill.

All of my recurring social interests / hobbies, manage to mostly exclude women my age or younger. I haven't tried or set out to do that, it's just the reality of what happens. They don't flock to Humanist meetings, or Skeptic meetings. Heck they didn't even flock to the "Fika" meetings (Swedish for social coffee) and that venue was dominated by women. Mostly retiree women unfortunately, although there was a minor showing of youngers. Maybe I should give that another whirl to see if anything has changed. I stuck with it for awhile, expressly to improve my social graces. To some extent I did manage that, but I also ran into the problem of, "I'm spending money and time on this, and not getting what I really want out of it." So eventually, things like that have to fall by the wayside. The interests / hobbies that I stick with, are intellectual, and I have very good intellectual stimulation from my peer groups. But in Asheville, those groups don't attract young women.

Aside from what young women are actually interested in for the most part, there may be a huge demographic hole in Asheville. It doesn't have many 30-somethings, as there isn't much of an economy besides tourism. For people to actually have a career and a good wage here, they either have to be focused on tourist entrepreneurism, or able to work virtually. This ain't Raleigh or Charlotte. Heck it ain't even Greensboro. But it's the best possible place to be homeless in the summer in the Southeast USA, so I've stuck around.

If I had more gas money, I'd go farther and try something else. Lacking that, I will stick to boring computer programming problems until I figure out how to turn those into money to my satisfaction. In some ways I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. So many knots of rope to tie for so many days to escape the island.

I just don't have the stamina I used to have when I was interested in something or someone,

I've managed to dodge some of the energy problems that happen as one ages, because living out of a car is a non-sedentary lifestyle. I'm also aware that I can allocate more time to physical fitness training. I don't tend to, because I have my own version of being stressed out, worrying about how I'm going to solve the next computer problem so I can finally put a roof over my head again, or a better car and better travel if I don't want to do that. But in my case it's an illusion, because I do have the time to allocate if I so choose. I just have to remember and be motivated to do it. Also, plenty of people with far less time allocate some to keep in shape. "Going downhill" really isn't very profitable overall, you end up having less useful hours in your life. On the other hand, being a "fitness nut" or approaching it as a compulsion isn't profitable either. That just uses up time on an activity, it doesn't improve health and energy past a certain point. It's a balancing act. Self-management issue really.

But yeah, I find I've kind of given up a bit, with that SX variant... I just won't find people who are interested in going where I usually want to go, for whatever reason. I'm learning to appreciate it when I find it.

I've realized it's a difficult search problem to find the interesting people. I've realized I have to engage the search problem, otherwise I won't find anyone. Sometimes I make the effort, whether in real life or online. That's how I ended up on INTPforum for instance. But there are no eligible women here, in the sense that, nobody lives anywhere remotely near me. Not even a few hundred miles, which is actually a driveable range if some virtual interest were to develop. Heck I go from Asheville to halfway down Florida every winter, it's not like I never drive anywhere. But there seems to be something about the Southeast that it doesn't generate interesting online personas. Lotta crickets chirping down here.

Yeah so far it feels like I'd need a friggin' airplane to make the internet work for me. I meet someone interesting, she's usually in Greece or New Zealand or some shit like that.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I think your thoughtfulness is honorable, Icy. But to answer your last question: yes. To answer about whether I am depressed: I am not.

I appreciate friendships which are built on mutual interests and passions. Being "good with people" is all about appealing to the common denominator, being able to fluff people and waste their time by exchanging trivialities endlessly.

I'd say if you are not interested in other people's trivialities, that's a virtue.

Ah you mean small talk? Eh some people just want to get ideas out of their head and feel visible, it's not about the specifics. I'm sure you have your own special socialization requirements.

Otherwise I think Jenny already covered how it can be beneficial.

 

[bvanevery]

Now Thelma, my Mom's other cat, is missing. I was about to leave Asheville and in the last 2 hours before my departure, she disappeared. I've looked in every conceivable hiding place inside the house. I think she got out of the house when I was loading the car, despite me being careful and never seeing her do it. Not much I can do about this until it's light out, and I've had a pretty strong case of insomnia. No thanks to the 2 cups of coffee I drank, expecting to be driving at night to Asheville.

We've had to keep her inside, ever since this horrible neighbor kept enticing her with food so she wouldn't come home. A very selfish woman, most people would just stop feeding the cat if asked. Not her. I tell myself that Thelma will just be on a lark and not in any danger. It's pretty rare, but she's gotten out before, and I've gotten her to come home before. But Louise died after going outside only a few weeks ago, and the thought of something happening to Thelma gives me a lot of anxiety.

Edit: UNBELIEVABLE. She was in the basement the whole time. I tore the house up looking for her. Not a peep out of her. I have no idea where she hid. I didn't sleep the whole night. At dawn I walked the neighborhood calling for her. I come into the basement and she's just sitting there, no big deal to her.

I am relieved, but also traumatized.