The Only Truth I've Told

[XIII]

I decided to paint an honest picture of my mind. Feel free to read as much or little as you would like. Some of it is carefully chosen from diary entries and forum posts, but much of it is original. It is non-sequential and non-linear, so as to represent the structure of my thought. I have no idea why I would be this honest. I'm giving myself away, completely:

END- then I thought of he who was, is, and shall be, and looked in the mirror, and felt that force surge up from within me, affirming all and ripping life from the grasp of sterile concepts. The next most accurate is that I experienced direct contact with something archetypal and beyond individual personality. Something much deeper and more alive than its transitory manifestations in individual humans.... Various spiritual schools which speak of ''oneness'', '' the eternal'', and ''immortality'' seem to have simply been trying (less than effectively) to describe such experience in terms of the primitive, essentialist verbal tools available to them. That such descriptions became the dogmas of every-day basic thought-structures seems, to me, the result of the attempt to translate the experience of this different ''level of consciousness'' into ill-equipped collective language. This is like describing a picture in words. I don't think that its eternal, but can see why a spiritualist would believe it to be. I think it's very old. I don't think I came into contact with ideal forms or perfect laws, but I did directly experience a mode of perception far below and beyond the surface-perception of the culture-individual complex, a mode which determines the repeating patterns and developments of individual cultures and humans. Once again, my words are lame and dead. They are incapable of representing the change that occurred in me. I can talk about the experience, but I have no means to talk of it. And then I affirmed all, time imploded, and I felt myself stretching forwards and backwards, as a sub-process of a greater process transecting spacetime. There ceased to be now or an I, only a development, one small thread felt in relation to a spiraling... rising... multitude. But sun-reason shone through me and visions of that which can be linguistically approximated by the word ''eternity'' melted away. And the Sun-God was sharp and cutting, dividing with his unmoderated and innocent reason. Like a child, he had no grasp for subtlety but also no grasp for the tyranny of relativity. Eagle, exaliting above form. The burst of white light which encomapasses all of its dispersions in coloure form. The prism unbroken. SPINNING. How could I have known such subtlety and cosmic revelation and then... be here? How could I be back with her again, thinking of her world, when I have percieved it and all as perfect and ecstatic? How can I go from universal exaltation to petty loathing and word-cutting and dealing within a life, let a alone a week?I recognise multiplicity, but how could I experience both a meta-state which encompasses this, and then this as the limit? Why can't I bring my bliss to life, to them? Fuck it, I'll just fuck her. This all feels surreal now. I’d almost completely shut it out of my awareness and memory. I can’t relate to the person who I was then, despite how much compassion I feel for him. Anyway, I often felt as if I was just going to collapse and break apart in the middle of the street. I considered suicide often, but didn’t actually attempt it. Somehow, my unhappiness resulted in near-constant migraines. Something started changing when I was 16. I began to gain deep insight into the world around me, to see how robotic I and those around me had been… to perceive the blindness and pathological insanity of society at large. I became fascinated first by methods for altering the social self, and then by methods for transcending or fundamentally recreating the inherited, singular personality and experience of life. I began to despise my family, because, while they loved their *son* by obligation, they were so asleep to the horror of their day to day lives. The one time I tried to tell my mother about how unhappy I was, when I was slightly younger, she had become angry that I was ‘dumping my problems on her at the end of a long day’. Whilst I still considered death regularly, it was contrasted with the conviction that there were other ways to escape from who I had been. I began to develop an almost reverential (in emotion, not belief) attitude towards life and its possibilities. Welcome to true life. There are no judgments here. You will not be told what you should be or should do. You are perfect, and all that you are exalts me. All that you have been and will be is, to me, perfect. Why is it that you spend so much of your life struggling to transform? No, this isn't another should. This isn't another judgement.What follows is a story, true in part, but mostly fantasy You were born, and then you grew and did as best you could, and all the time you were chastised for being what you are. You were taught to loathe so much of what you are. You were even taught to loathe lessons you had learned from the priests of loathing. There was no question of being good enough. You were a human, and those around you believed that to be justification enough for their hatred of your multiplicity. You, as you were, were never enough. You were judged. Every moment of your life was judged and distinguished and categorised, and you were alienated from life without commentary; you were alienated from life lived for no purpose other than living. Everything became an event in the epic story of who you are- every moment a tragedy or a victory, good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. You did your best to be good, in whatever way you believed you could, but it was never enough. In almost every program or post on this site you will find judgement. You could spend lifetimes being chastised for what you are by the fathers and mothers who speak through programs and posts. You could become what they, explicitly or implicitly, tell you you should be, but still you would not be enough. You would still be of the judged and would still be a judge, and thus would reside in a world of imperfection-- a world which needs to be reformed. You could do your best, but it would never be enough. It hurts, doesn't it? It hurts when every other word necessitates that you be something or do something, lest you feel that you do not have its speaker's approval? It hurts, to be attacked from all fronts day after day. It hurts that you, as you are now, are not enough. Know that whatever you do or don't do, whatever you become, whatever you have been-- I, now, love all that you are and all that is. All exalts me now, and all that is is perfect now. Your pain, your suffering, your joy, your self-hate... all is perfect to me and I love it all completely and without qualification. There are no judgments here, no teachings here, no lessons here. My love for existence- even for non-existence- is universal and without aim or cause. My love may not be here tomorrow, and it was not yesterday, but realise that at one point in one life all was perfect and ecstatic. Don't feel compelled to join me- I will love you and me either way. For your joy, though, why not try leaving judgement aside for a moment? It will still be there when you come back. Life can be perfect as it is. Murder can be perfect as it is. Poverty can be perfect as it is. Your pain can be perfect as it is. Rape can be perfect as it is. Your anger and greatness and jealousy and pettiness and poetry all perfect and not in need of reform. What you are- EVERYTHING that you are- is enough and is perfect. You can, if only for a single moment of your life, experience complete perfection and the end of the struggle to not be what you are. All equally exalts me. Fuck... this pain. I loved them all, and now I hate them all. I was a Sun-God, pure, clear... and now I'm spinning, clutching at the preciousy, tiny gifts that have been bestowed upon me from their world. Fuck, I'll just get her to come over, then I'll forget... I am in this world, but not of it. I was born a creator, and thus spent my early life- life without the materials or means to give form to my soul- in agony. I came up with many stories, but they were all just clever ways of dealing with my... misplacement. How could a synthesis of such mediocrity (my ancestors) lead to such an explosion of brilliance? How could I orginate from that which, in anthropomorphic terms, is my antithesis? The Gates of Janus. Ian Brady. I prefer him to the alternative- to the other side who suppress and vilify him- but he seems mediocre. If that's what it takes to get published, though? ODE TO PAN- I will create a work which, in one stroke, deifies life. All life shall be affirmed and elevated, and I shall be the one who affirms and elevates. Thus, I shall be an avatar of God. I can't feel my face. Where is my body. Why are these sensations here that don't belong to me? Why can I feel steel run through my the flesh on my face without feeling pain? Fuck, this is wrong. This is wrong. I need to go to their hospitals... to see their doctors... to become their sick... "To Be Well Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society is No Adequate Measure of Health''. But what do I do, then? They only accept moderate sickness, which is no option for me. I must either deteriorate into extreme dysfunction or achieve elevated sanity. Neither is accepted- only mediocre half-life survives in these ugly cultures. HAHA- and one day I actually considered killing myself because there was a chapter about ethics in my science textbook. See- I'm a cosmic comedian, at heart. But humor bonds... and your nature is one of divergence. Divergence from the past, from the whole, from the self. Humanities will be created in your image, and then you will deny them and create anew. I fuck them and love them, but... I don't know them. Fuck... quality girls. Play can be so fun. The map is not the territory. Your linguistic map of reality cannot directly represent the structural reality, and only realisation of this limited abstraction from the entirity of the available data, which is still limimted, can prevent the semantic pathology of identification of the labeled with the label. We call this 'consciousness of abstraction'. DOGMA alert. We have a case of pathological semantic inflexibility! Somebody call Korzybski! Korzybski: ''You say you have tried 'drugs'? You say that they did not 'do you any good'? Sir, could you please explain the structural relationship between marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms? What relationship do they have to each other than your semantic identification of one with the other? You do realise that each chemical, both of which happen to be referred to with a single subjective linguistic signifier, acts upon the brain in an entirely different way? Do you not see that it is only as a result of linguistic convention that one is identified with the other, and that this linguistic convention tends to lead to misapprehension of the structural reality of the situation?'' Additionally, psilocybin (mushrooms) does not make you ''think'' in a way which somebody who had not used a psychedelic could understand. The OP is simply trying to find a linguistic representation for something that is essentially non-linguistic. That he has not created an elaborate linguistic philosophy as a result of his experience does not mean that it was not incomparably more profound than simply ''thinking'' such things would be. Any normal ''thinking'' is thinking *about* the psychedelic experience; it is not the experience itself. It is comparable to a mediocre artist's painting a beautiful landscape: the mediocrity of the painting does not make the landscape ugly (OP- I do not see your words as mediocre. I use this example only for purposes of explanation). Hey E... you ok? Fuck, I was like out of my mind. Haha, I know... she's kind of strange. Listen, do you know anybody I could buy some from today? Oh, haha, awesome. Lol, you're such a freak! Why don't you come out on Saturday? And I FLAIL around trying to communicate a shred of what I am... and I never can. I am the loneliest of men, in that I know enough poeple well enough to know how little I can really share. My one hope is that a brilliant, beautiful individual will somehow appear... who knows so much of my world that little communication or representation is required. Now... I even lower myself to systems of thought and people who I know have nothing to offer me... are less than me... but who bear more superficial similarity to me than others. I try to convince myself that there are more like me... I go to Nietzsche, to Crowley, to Spare, to Magick... and what do i see? They're driven by pain. Driven by a basic... force of suffering. A basic movement away from. All of them who originated and created. And I am a creator... and was my loneliness, that drives me to ever more elaborate and refined experience and creation, that which drove them? But then I love... love all... and the slightest movement or sound is more ecstatic than the the most of intense orgasm during automatic, daily states of awareness. How... can I access this level and fall from it so blindly? The solution: to make so many different levels of divinity available to you that fall is not a fall. To turn what is, now, mundane into the divine. This is why The Devil emulation has had such a hold on you: it deifies all that has previously been rejected and moved away from. It is the alchemical transformation of Lead into Gold. Haha! 4 girls in 4 nights... so far so quickly... how could I ever get bored of this? Actually... the angel floating behind them is more interesting. I can't re-create a whole book yet, and I haven't learned to photoread. Cheerleaders, yes! Damn, they're cute. Image streaming does seem to increase mental capacity in general, though. It's very simple, and, provided you're not one of the people who has trouble getting initial images, results occur quickly. It took me about 1 month to *really* change my mental environment, though. I've found that I can more easily remember information by association, which is useful in school. There's instructions and more information in the Einstein factor. I am light-unformed; I am not. I am burning-life; the prism unbroken.But *I*-- I am awakening to myself. *I* am forgetting identity and awakening to light.I am eagle. I fly up here so as to embrace the light from whence I came. I fly up here because I am of this earth, but not born from it. I fly up here- for light. I am now form. I shall not rest until I destroy myself anew, free myself again from myself.
As I look beyond the singular incarnation of light, each new form is less of itself and more of light. Each new life- purer- brighter- whiter. Yet still dispersed.Now that's over with: let's make friends and get down to becoming Gods. They said this would happen... a family history... losing functional sanity. It happens around this time, doesn't it? It kicks in now and stays with you for life? Did I fuck something up with my work? I live in a world of Angels and Demons, a dream world... my imagination is stronger than my sight. My imagination feels more real than my site. I'll give you all a glimpse, INTP Forum... here, take the first look anybody has had into my world: And then I saw a girl, shortish, with white-blonde hair resting between her shoulderblades and coming down in a fringe over her forehead. She is almost expresionless... determined. Wait- She doesn't want me to share her with you. I'll talk about another angel from my vision-world. Ok... I think I can talk about her. She's not taking my anwhere... she's not a guide, so whe won't mind. There's a hole... between two universes... shaped like a woman. Imagine staring into space, and there's an angelic women who transects two alternate realities. I travel through her. I go through her and- in the most literal sense- find myself in another world. I'm hanging, suspended in the sky. My body turns to crystal... hard, cutting blocks of crystal, almost free-floating, but joined by a dense, opaque black wiring... organic wiring... the material that must bind the bodies of Gods. And in the blackness of this world... this otherworld... there are lights. They're growing, growing. The lights are surrounding me... truly unspeakable, but the closest representation I can give is white light... and then Gold and scorching-clarity. They grow, forming a solid wall of light around me now. Merging... now burning through me. My whole being scorched with light. I can see this more clearly than I can see with my two eyes. I can see more clearly into my nervous system than into... whatever the other stuff is. Burning, bright. My whole body scorched and cleansed with the white light... the unspeakable burning. See, she was beautiful. You can't overcome here, can you? What can your ugly abstractions possibly do to desecrate that experience... that bliss?Additionally, the slavish devotion to ''positivity'' and ''happiness'' signifies a denial of essential aspects of human experience. There is a false polarity in the mind of the common human: Good ------- Bad ''Happy'', ''positive'', ''funny'', ''joyful'', and other such names for feelings are believed to be ''Good''. ''Unhappy, ''angry'', ''negative'', ''cynical'', and other such names for feelings are believed to be ''Bad''. Yet, almost any creative person- and almost any other person- will experience the full cycle of such emotions. What is important to remember is that the Good/Bad polarity is a restrictive, simplistic conceptualisation of human experience. It is deeply ingrained into most cultural mindsets, but it is not any more objectively ''sacred'' or ''true'' than any other transient idea, religion, or dogma. Fuck, do you remember that man. That image you had... that asrael? That butterfly whose chyrsalis your past self was? Wasn't he sterile then? But also so strong? And isn't your world now so much more and so much more beautiful than your image of him then? Yes, but I have not betrayed him... they chyrsalis simply couldn't comprehend the final form and the transitory stages neccessary to reach it. It interpreted the end in its image... not that there's an end now. I ripped apart some binding thread... some basic structure which keeps normal people's worlds together... and now I can never stop. I couldn't live in one world, even if I chose to. I just have to keep going deeper and deeper... expand further and further. Sanity is no longer an option for me. I must deify my un-sanity or sink into pathalogical insanity. I... this burden... I cannot rest. That is my motivation... I have chanelled Gods and live in otherworlds, but this excess of transhuman perception will tear me to pieces if I do not use it properly... then I thought of he who was, is, and shall be - START

There you have it. I don't know what about you all brought it out in me to tell truth. Perhaps I'm just not scared of you.

 

[preilemus]

-deleted for immaturity reasons-

 

[XIII]

oooh pretty colors

... im sorry. i just had to

Taken back.

Note to reader: got very upset... poured my heart into this like I have into nothing else, so I was too ready to overreact.

 

[preilemus]

wow i feel bad now. im sorry XIII

 

[fullerene]

I wish I'd seen this when it was up

 

[XIII]

Don't worry, I'm not upset with *you*. I think I was probably just nervous about reactions to it. Don't feel bad, please. Thank You for apologising

 

[XIII]

I wish I'd seen this when it was up

Enjoy ^. If I can't be honest, then why be at all?

Edit: note to readers. I removed the post, then put it back again.

 

[preilemus]

Don't worry, I'm not upset with *you*. I think I was probably just nervous about reactions to it. Don't feel bad, please.

that makes me feel a little better. but seriously, it was really insensitive of me to post that

 

[snowqueen]

XIII,

You are enough
You deserve to live
Beware the power of your mind - tame it and use it or be destroyed by it.
Only take advice from Patti Smith and Bob Dylan
Get as far away from your nightmare relatives as you can, they will never give you what you want.
Learn to recognise kindness
Accept your humanity.

take care
snowqueen (XIII)

 

[XIII]

XIII,

You are enough
You deserve to live
Beware the power of your mind - tame it and use it or be destroyed by it.
Only take advice from Patti Smith and Bob Dylan
Get as far away from your nightmare relatives as you can, they will never give you what you want.
Learn to recognise kindness
Accept your humanity.

take care
snowqueen (XIII)

Thank you. I tend to agree:

There are no judgments here, no teachings here, no lessons here. My love for existence- even for non-existence- is universal and without aim or cause. My love may not be here tomorrow, and it was not yesterday, but realise that at one point in one life all was perfect and ecstatic. Don't feel compelled to join me- I will love you and me either way. For your joy, though, why not try leaving judgement aside for a moment? It will still be there when you come back. Life can be perfect as it is. Murder can be perfect as it is. Poverty can be perfect as it is. Your pain can be perfect as it is. Rape can be perfect as it is. Your anger and greatness and jealousy and pettiness and poetry all perfect and not in need of reform. What you are- EVERYTHING that you are- is enough and is perfect. You can, if only for a single moment of your life, experience complete perfection and the end of the struggle to not be what you are. All equally exalts me

 

[preilemus]

okay, first of all, it quickly became obvious to me the feelings you have about things and the thoughts you have are much more deep than anything I have ever had.

"escaping" to other worlds inside you head is something I do frequently, but while I know its just my imagination and things I'm making up, the feeling i get about your world(s) is that maybe they are dream-like to you, in the sense that you are not actively creating the world with your conscious brain, but instead taken there, by the unconscious. correct me if I'm wrong, its just the impression I got.

your bit about "perfection," and how morality is just a social perspective is something that I have been delving into with my own thoughts lately, although your ideas are much more complete than mine.

I really understand how you feel about being "seperate" from other people. unfortunately for me, I dumbed myself down in order to appear more acceptable to others. you, on the other hand, seem to have not backed down from what you are, and because of this I greatly envy you, but I'm also glad that I've caught myself being what I am today, so that I can correct the mistakes I made in the name of acceptance.

I might have more to say later, but this is all I have for now

 

[XIII]

They are dream-like, and more. I often, when alone, go into a synesthetic and visionary state. All of my senses merge to form otherworlds. My imagination forms a 3d (and stranger than 3d) environment which I experience directly and more vividly than my standard sensory 3d environment. Metaphorically, the states feel like a communion with angels and demons- the closest a human can come to that which has historically been called 'God' (I'm an igtheist- I only use such words as metaphor). They are often far more powerful and surreal than my sleeping dreams.

I'll wait until later to respond to the rest.

 

[echoplex]

I enjoyed reading this. Much of it reminded me of my thoughts.

I also enjoyed the prettiness of the colors, as previously mentioned.

 

[preilemus]

I tried rereading the original post to find the part where you talk about happiness and sadness, but I couldnt find it.

heres what I think about the subject

My best friend and I live about 4 hours apart, and so I rarely see him. the last time we were together, he told me about something called the golden mean, which is basically the philosophy that your mood is a repeating wave of highs and lows, and by realizing your own patterns, you can help yourself stay happy.

I responded to him by saying that he should re-examine his beliefs about happiness and sadness. He spends so much time trying to be happy, mainly because he believes that being sad is also something bad, and should be avoided. I said, "Instead of wishing you were happy when you're sad, accept that you are sad. Instead of saving the fervor you apply to happiness, why not also indulge in your sorrows?" (i realize that what i just said cannot measure up to my thoughts, but expressing it justly seems to be a problem right now)

Happiness and Depression are really just feelings after all. we apply meaning to these emotions in the form of "good and bad" because most people only find pleasure in Happy feelings. Instead, I found a way to appreciate my sorrows, and now I dont need happiness as much. Slaving away for those "warm feelings" is something I no longer concern myself with because I find a strange solace in my sadness. my current belief is that joy and sorrow can both bring us to the "high" we seek, its just that one is unfairly placed much more importance on by society.


This is really hard for me to aptly put into words, as I am a much clearer thinker than expressor. I guess this goes back to your "describing a picture" point, XIII. anyways, I think your post has been incredibly insightful for me into my own psyche, and it was brave of you to decide to reveal this here. I understand the uncertainty that comes with putting forth ideas that you hold great importance to, and I still feel like an asshole for my first comment; call it an underdeveloped Fe.



p.s. do your "escapes" come to you after you have used drugs, or do you just "slip into it" naturally? i was just wondering

 

[XIII]

I wouldn't call them 'escapes', but they happen almost every day. I intertwine them with ''this'' world, instead of using them to escape from it. It's quite hard to represent verbally, given that it's essentially nonverbal.

 

[Kuu]

thank you.

 

[Beat Mango]

Hmmm, XIII, I'm not sure whether to fear you or applaud you as my hero. There are parts of your psyche that I see in my own psyche, albeit more extreme/developed/deep etc; some I am scared of, others I am vehemently proud of.

 

[Auburn]

I suspect that you have a preconceived idea that most/all replies to your post will have some sort of judgment, as it is inevitable for us who have not transcended the bindings of implemented societal morality, or have ever known of what you have known. I suspect that you expect our cultural inclinations - which we still adhere to although we despise - will skew our replies into yet more meaningless trash, and restricted truth. And rightfully so, I would expect the same if I was you.

And I FLAIL around trying to communicate a shred of what I am... and I never can. I am the loneliest of men, in that I know enough people well enough to know how little I can really share. My one hope is that a brilliant, beautiful individual will somehow appear...

Yet, why do you post this to us? What hidden hope do you have - perhaps even hidden to your own conscious awareness of the reasons you act as you do. Do you know your own motives for doing this? Is there, perhaps, hope in you that such an intellect as the one you described might exist among us here? One who is truly capable of understanding the depths of your being? It's possible.....

You might be surprised at how much of it I agree with, including your statements regarding the limitations facing those such as me. I can see those chains, and I can see the slavery in which I live - created by this world, and I, forced to submit to it. I have not overcome them.

Yet I wonder... it is even possible to ever be truly free? There are laws which ultimately cannot be transcended. The spirit cannot transcend the body and yet live. It is chained to the body, and slave to it's chemistry. We are all, at least to this extent, slaved to our physical body's limitations.

And if we are slaves to this body, then our consciousness is a slave to the chemical makeup of our brain - for is there any consciousness without the brain? Therefore we will never be free. Our every conscious act, is an act of slavery. Then, even the act to attempt to escape our slavery is an act we preformed out of obligation to comply to the laws of chemistry.

This would imply that your rebellion to such hindering mental chains is due to other, higher, and unbreakable chains of reality. And likewise, those who chose not to break societal chains, don't do so because physic's laws obligate them to keep them.

Who can truly be free from chains but a God? And is not the quest to achieve such a state, the quest to be God?

Perhaps such a quest will end in failure, but those who go on this quest could not have done otherwise, and are therefore not to be judged. And those who chose not to live in such a way (though it might have been more fulfilling) could not have chosen otherwise either, and are equally blameless and perfect in their actions.

Perhaps the soundest of judgments is to have no judgment at all...

 

[XIII]

Yet, why do you post this to us? What hidden hope do you have - perhaps even hidden to your own conscious awareness of the reasons you act as you do. Do you know your own motives for doing this? Is there, perhaps, hope in you that such an intellect as the one you described might exist among us here? One who is truly capable of understanding the depths of your being? It's possible.....

Perhaps, although the explanation that I told myself was that I needed to express myself, without intention. It struck me that my truth is forbidden in most social life, and that I should take this rare opportunity to be an honest man. I was feeling pained by *having* to lie. This seemed like one of the only places unlikely to give an immediately hostile response to truth. There may well be other-than-conscious motives (and such motives are surely involved in almost all action). As for such a person as could... I'm always looking.

Yet I wonder... it is even possible to ever be truly free? There are laws which ultimately cannot be transcended. The spirit cannot transcend the body and yet live. It is chained to the body, and slave to it's chemistry. We are all, at least to this extent, slaved to our physical body's limitations.

And if we are slaves to this body, then our consciousness is a slave to the chemical makeup of our brain - for is there any consciousness without the brain? Therefore we will never be free. Our every conscious act, is an act of slavery. Then, even the act to attempt to escape our slavery is an act we preformed out of obligation to comply to the laws of chemistry.

This would imply that your rebellion to such hindering mental chains is due to other, higher, and unbreakable chains of reality. And likewise, those who chose not to break societal chains, don't do so because physic's laws obligate them to keep them.

Who can truly be free from chains but a God? And is not the quest to achieve such a state, the quest to be God?

Perhaps such a quest will end in failure, but those who go on this quest could not have done otherwise, and are therefore not to be judged. And those who chose not to live in such a way (though it might have been more fulfilling) could not have chosen otherwise either, and are equally blameless and perfect in their actions.

I generally agree, but I do not recognise the distinction between 'body' and 'spirit'. They are archaic, nonstructural concepts which are fairly useless in apprehension or discussion of the structural reality of an event/process.

We are surely limited in the way you describe, but, given my experience of the difference between my world now and my world 5 years ago, the limitation does not trouble me. We are all far from achieving the potential of the human brain and nervous system; when we do approach its achievement, it will surely be transcended with technology.

A metaphysical/post-physical state of perfect freedom may not be able to be achieved, but there's enough fascinating and brilliant things we can do with ourselves now that such a limitation is irrelevant to me. Here... this should help you to understand my position (yes- deification is the distant end goal):

(Please note that it was originally posted to a specialist site, and is written to that end. Reference to NLP are included only for purposes of explanation to a specific audience. I don't generally practice it)

Transcending Current Identity Via Full Exploration of The Medium in Which it is Expressed

The process of exploring and manipulating a level of behavior and perception extensively facilitates its transcendence. The individual ceases to identify himself with his previous representation in that medium, consequently forcing the expression of his self into a higher, more inclusive medium.

Reichian Facial Expression exercises involve making as many expressions as possible at regular intervals. The student practitioner becomes familiarised with the structural components and effect of each expression, and has access to them all. The entire system of facial expression is available to him, so he ceases to strongly identify with any pattern of expression. It becomes apparent that his self is beyond the system, so his need for self-expression is forced to manifest in more inclusive, higher mediums.

NLP allows the student access to explore and manipulate, among other things, meaning and emotion. He can change what an event means in his life-narrative, have access to multiple plot-lines simultaneously, and alter his experience at will. He becomes familiarised with the structural components of meaning and emotion. If he explores extensively enough, he will cease to identify with any expression of who he is within the mediums with which NLP deals, such as emotion and meaning. Emotion and meaning are, as a result, understood to be limited and impersonal systems. The student cannot find his self in the system because he has access to multiple meanings and can structure new ones at will. His self-concept and its expression is consequently forced into higher, more inclusive mediums/realms.

My personality change experiment facilitates extensive exploration of the medium for expression of the self represented by the word ''personality''. I become more familiar with the structural components of personality and the entire, overarching life-narrative with each new personality I emulate. I am no longer able to identify with the patterns which previously represented ''me'' through the medium of personality and standard experience. Thus, what was previously the highest, most inclusive medium for expression of the self is revealed to be a limited system within which no stable 'self' can be found. Many selves are available at will, so the self-concept, and its expression, is forced into higher, more inclusive realms.

The outer black ring represents personality. The inner rings represent more limited mediums of expression. A typical person experiences life as the relationships between finite points on the outer ring (the medium of personality) and other finite points on the inner rings (more limited mediums of expression. Exploring all 3 rings forces the self-concept to move beyond them. Too many points (behavioral patterns, personalities, meanings) are available for any to be identified with. What happens then?

Provided that the student has been able to retain functional sanity, his perception and experience expands. What he is can no longer be found in the realms of normal perception (3 is an arbitrary number- don't take it literally), so his self-concept and self-expression- his experience- is forced into the seemingly boundless, cosmic realms beyond personality (the space around the outer ring). The old self is transcended, and an aeonic, transpersonal, and cosmic self is accessed. It seems as though some kind of God has been directly experienced, as though life itself has been merged with, as though the individual has become an avatar for the expression of Angels and Demons.

Many mystics call this realm boundless, infinite, or eternal. Their perspective is limited. They have not realised that the same process that can be applied to the lower mediums of expression can be applied to the much more inclusive, but still limited, mediums of expression beyond them. While its experience tends to reveal that there is no fixed self, I anticipate that it can be explored and manipulated completely enough to be transcended. What lies beyond the highest realms of self-expression and self-concept humans have experienced thus far? What lies beyond those unknown realms? And beyond them?

Men will become Gods, and Gods will transcend themselves.

 

[snowqueen]

Perhaps, although the explanation that I told myself was that I needed to express myself, without intention. It struck me that my truth is forbidden in most social life, and that I should take this rare opportunity to be an honest man. I was feeling pained by *having* to lie.

To lie about what? - that you have a massive amount of thoughts going on and that you are undertaking a series of personality experiments - or - that you are unbearably lonely in this quest? I suspect it is probably both but I wonder if your intensity in the former is partly to avoid experiencing the latter? And I can understand that (if it is the case - I am not making an assumption or diagnosis, simply exploring with you) because that is exactly how I experienced life in my 20's (in the 70's-80's). I was avidly reading all sorts of mystical and psychological books (Reich too, primal scream stuff, buddhist, illuminati etc etc) and carrying out all sorts of experiments with meditation, Dice Man type things, taking acid etc. However, at the same time, I was desperately wanting to make a connection with a 'special' individual who would somehow know me entirely. I suspect in some people this desire is what impels them towards religion.

Looking back, and perhaps this is why there is part of me that feels a little bit concerned for you and a bit protective, I think it took me further and further away from what I really wanted and I was dangerously close to losing my sanity - though I am heartened by the fact that you do seem to be monitoring that. Looking back too I can see that I went down that route because of certain things that had gone wrong in my life that are truly toxic to INTPs.

Firstly my mother rejected every part of me that did not fit with her idea of the 'nice little girl'. Well, that meant pretty much everything and to be rejected by one's own mother and given the message that there was never going to be anything I could do to satisfy her was truly devastating (you are never enough) - except that I did not experience the full emotional devastation until years later - instead at the time I closed off from her and gave her nothing while still desperately needing that unconditional acceptance from somewhere/anywhere. But I shut myself off from that need too and went out on a defiant trip in my mind instead.

The second thing that happened is that I was targeted by my English teacher for a variety of reasons that I won't go into as it's rather complex, and I went from being 'brilliant' at school to believing that I was rather mediocre academically and unable to write. She basically lied on every piece of work I wrote in the last two years of school, writing 'dolt', 'donkey', 'idiot' on my essays while I naively tried to 'improve' and finally gave up. That meant that when I left school, instead of going to a good university and studying English and Philosophy (not to be boastful, but the reality is that I was easily clever enough to go to Oxford or Cambridge) I ended up doing a degree in Spanish in a mediocre institution so I could be a bi-lingual secretary, despising education, dropping out, taking tons of drugs and drifting in and out of jobs and careers until something happened and I reclaimed my intellect. My point being that for an INTP there are structures in the real world which can help hone the brilliant mind and put it to real use which I could have done with then - yes, I'm an academic now, but I am still furious that I was denied the chance to enter that path early in life - I can only imagine where I would be now.

I generally agree, but I do not recognise the distinction between 'body' and 'spirit'. They are archaic, nonstructural concepts which are fairly useless in apprehension or discussion of the structural reality of an event/process.

Maybe so, but maybe you might be missing something if you don't accept the inevitability of physics - maybe there is something to learn from being human that you have not yet understood. In your quest to be Godlike, are you sure it is going to be better or more useful to you? As a wise friend once said to me 'if you are always looking at the stars in the sky you might miss the flowers at your feet'.

Nonetheless - I am not for a minute suggesting you should not embark or continue on your project, it sounds fascinating and wonderful and I really enjoy reading about it. Just that maybe here you can find those who can nurture and support you without judging you - but the journey to trusting people can be as arduous as the journey to deity, in those of us who have suffered the cruel blows of an uninterested, unsympathetic and judgemental world.

 

[XIII]

The difference, perhaps, is that I'm certain that this is the right path for me. I couldn't turn away now without spending a lifetime looking back. I often feel a deeper narrative- a series of transformations- running through me and beyond me. It directs everything. My studies (I'll do psychology and neuroscience fist), my art, my 'mysticism', and my visions are all bound together in ways which I couldn't begin to put into words. To forsake this overarching structure would be to forsake what I love and live for. I may have overplayed the reactionary element of my transformational work; it's my first love.

The lie is that of a person whose truth is incomprehensible to those around him. I spend my life with people regulating and moderating my expression- bastardising my self for the sake of popular comprehension. My emulation overcomes this by making interaction and appearances art, but hasn't yet changed the loneliness that come from being socially active... and realising that I have communicated so little of what I am. The original post was an attempt to communicate as much of myself as possible; to express *my* experience without moderation in anticipation of the response and as fully as I could through the medium of language.

I may, in a way, be preparing. I'm not going to deny myself any longer around those who I care for deeply. Being honest in this way is a testing of the waters. I'll dive soon. There will be anger and resentment, but that's necessary that those of my kind may find me.

No matter what I say, I will not forsake my art. My experiment is art expressed through the highest medium available to the individual: the self.

 

[snowqueen]

The difference, perhaps, is that I'm certain that this is the right path for me. I couldn't turn away now without spending a lifetime looking back. I often feel a deeper narrative- a series of transformations- running through me and beyond me. It directs everything. My studies (I'll do psychology and neuroscience fist), my art, my 'mysticism', and my visions are all bound together in ways which I couldn't begin to put into words. To forsake this overarching structure would be to forsake what I love and live for. I may have overplayed the reactionary element of my transformational work; it's my first love.

The lie is that of a person whose truth is incomprehensible to those around him. I spend my life with people regulating and moderating my expression- bastardising my self for the sake of popular comprehension. My emulation overcomes this by making interaction and appearances art, but hasn't yet changed the loneliness that come from being socially active... and realising that I have communicated so little of what I am. The original post was an attempt to communicate as much of myself as possible; to express *my* experience without moderation in anticipation of the response and as fully as I could through the medium of language.

I may, in a way, be preparing. I'm not going to deny myself any longer around those who I care for deeply. Being honest in this way is a testing of the waters. I'll dive soon. There will be anger and resentment, but that's necessary that those of my kind may find me.

No matter what I say, I will not forsake my art. My experiment is art expressed through the highest medium available to the individual: the self.

That is much clearer and thank you for indulging my questions. I'm really glad that you are going to be able to study and I look forward to hearing much more about your work.

What I might offer - if you are going 'dive' it may be easier not to do it face to face or to offer up all of yourself all at once. Also bear in mind that the world does not have a duty or obligation to hear and accept you. However at some point you might want it to even if you don't care now. As an academic one thing I've learned is that in order to communicate one's ideas (and for an INTP that is communicating oneself) one has to lay out an argument step by step and that while initially that feels rather constraining when the whole idea is in our head all at once, for those ideas to have an audience and become real/ised (even if that is only an audience of one and that one is yourself), the academic convention is actually an excellent path. How you translate that into your 'art' is a different matter, but I'm sure you'll work it out.

You have the potential to be truly inspiring XIII

 

[merzbau]

Nonetheless - I am not for a minute suggesting you should not embark or continue on your project, it sounds fascinating and wonderful and I really enjoy reading about it. Just that maybe here you can find those who can nurture and support you without judging you - but the journey to trusting people can be as arduous as the journey to deity, in those of us who have suffered the cruel blows of an uninterested, unsympathetic and judgemental world.

wow. what a post..!

 

[snowqueen]

wow. what a post..!

thank you

 

[Halcyon]

Dude, that was awesome. I felt like I was reading some biblical shit with the word fuck interspersed in various places. Your talent for creative and philosophical writing is evident. I think that you like to play with language and you like how certain sentences feel. The title of the thread itself has a poetic sense of totality this is reflected in many of your entries (by totality, I mean the sense that is conveyed by words like "perfect", qualifiers like "only", and superlatives). I think that the poetic manner in which you express your ideas and feelings in writing gives them a different shape than the one that exists inside your head. Certain parts of your writing that I have interpreted as poetic, others have taken as literal. One way to look at this is that language can be inaccurate medium for pure expression. Another way is that this is a philosophical expression of your life, as well as your ARTWORK.


Also, I noticed that you've experimented with image streaming and photo-reading. I've delved pretty deep into advanced learning techniques and much of it is seems to be based on pseudo-science and a superficial understanding of the brain. However, I found a memory course that is completely legit and is backed by real science. It uses schemes of visual images to compactly represent abstract information so you can memorize books pretty much anything. I rarely recommend it to other people because acquiring the skill takes a lot of will-power, discipline and concentration (you seem to be quite capable of these. Furthermore, mastering the manipulation of visual imagery is an important step in transcending humanity). It's called School of Phenomenal Memory. If you don't already know about this, you can read their e-book free on their website.

So yea, good luck with the whole apotheosis thing. I'm still getting around to it.

 

[XIII]

Thank you.

You're right about accelerated learning techniques. I don't intend to study photoreading. Image streaming, though, has had significant effects on how I think (but only after sustained, long-term daily practice). The whole field is riddled with misinterpretations of outdated scientific models. I downloaded the pmemory course a few weeks ago, and intend to study it over the summer.

For my current exams, I created a rather entertaining mnemonic technique:

-I choose a topic I want to remember.
- I then bring forth the memory of an ex-girlfriend or one night stand.
- I link her to the topic in my mind. She becomes the general topic... if I remember her, I remember it by association.
- I then link the sub-topics (visual representations of them etc.) to her various anatomical regions and to memories I have with her. When I remember her, I can focus on any memory or region of her body and remember the sub-topics by association.
- The more difficult to remember the sub-topic is, the more charged the memory or sexual the region is that I assign it to.
- The smaller or more detailed the piece of information, the smaller or more detailed the body part or aspect of a memory I assign it to. I focus on a general region for a sub-topic, and a specific part for a single piece of information.

It works. I rape my past to impregnate my future. It's a short-term emergency strategy created by necessity.

 

[Halcyon]

Lol that's one crackpot mnemonic technique, though I applaud your creative use of your one-night stands' anatomical regions. It also makes for a great pick-up line: "Hey baby, you'd look good as an association base for my visual imagery scheme."

I rape my past to impregnate my future.

That was priceless.

 

[Ermine]

Wow. Like Halcyon, I got that poetic, biblical impression from your writing. It's odd. I see part of myself in there, my way of analyzing one thing and branching off in so many different directions, and my aspirations for "godliness". I often feel like I'm "lying" to people, how people never see all of me at once. They often focus on one superficial characteristic, such as my wit, academic success, my artistic persona, and assume that's all there is. I keep trying to show more of me at once and never seem to get "me" across.

To lie about what? - that you have a massive amount of thoughts going on and that you are undertaking a series of personality experiments - or - that you are unbearably lonely in this quest? I suspect it is probably both but I wonder if your intensity in the former is partly to avoid experiencing the latter? And I can understand that (if it is the case - I am not making an assumption or diagnosis, simply exploring with you) because that is exactly how I experienced life in my 20's (in the 70's-80's). I was avidly reading all sorts of mystical and psychological books (Reich too, primal scream stuff, buddhist, illuminati etc etc) and carrying out all sorts of experiments with meditation, Dice Man type things, taking acid etc. However, at the same time, I was desperately wanting to make a connection with a 'special' individual who would somehow know me entirely. I suspect in some people this desire is what impels them towards religion.

@ XIII,
I suspect the same thing. While I admire and stand in awe of you in your personality experiments, I can't help but think that it will only make it harder for you to find yourself and help others find you. If I didn't know better and were to meet you in real life, I'd most likely have a very hard time seeing past whatever personality you happen to be portraying at the time.

People tend to have a violent response when one's perceived truth conflicts with an actual truth. With your current actions, you seem to be presenting 3 major truth conflicts:
you vs. you as percieved by others
your default personality vs. the personalities you portray
your perceived truth vs. perceived truths of others

It may help to cater a little to the masses, or perhaps deal with 1 truth conflict at a time.

 

[XIII]

Some interesting comments...

I've always had a sense of multiple directions which my life could take, or multiple selves which I could become. My greatest fear is that when it comes time to be who I really am, I will not be developed enough (the right self) to do so. My experimentation is basically putting this level of self (standard personality) under the power of that level of self (meta-personality). I know that I can never find what I am looking by moderation. It's all or nothing- I either stay around people in loneliness (I've been there and am there- although my experimentation has driven some away- and it's nothing like what I want) or become an avatar for the expression of my Gods. When I meet somebody else of my kind, who has reached that potential, I need to be know how to dance our dance.

I care very little for ''others'' in the general sense, and no opinion they have or have had of me would be of particular significance. I care immensely for the few, rare others whose worlds can merge with mine to create- new realities.

 

[Ermine]

I understand. I don't care for people's opinions and collectively don't like others, but I've found that a little catering goes a long way for finding people I do like and respect.

 

[Kidege]

A person I know would say that what you experienced was your kundalini or w/e you want to call the forces in the base of your spine going wonky. Dissatisfaction with daily life, search for magic -particularly in the dark mages works- and frantic sexual behaviour are the results. This doesn't negate the validity or trascendence of the "illumination" you experienced. It simply means it was badly managed, or you weren't ready, or both.

I'm not very sure about how to fix it and I'm not sure you'd want to. So happy trails through life and try not to hurt anyone.

 

[XIII]

A person I know would say that what you experienced was your kundalini or w/e you want to call the forces in the base of your spine going wonky. Dissatisfaction with daily life, search for magic -particularly in the dark mages works- and frantic sexual behaviour are the results. This doesn't negate the validity or trascendence of the "illumination" you experienced. It simply means it was badly managed, or you weren't ready, or both.

I'm not very sure about how to fix it and I'm not sure you'd want to. So happy trails through life and try not to hurt anyone.

Wonky? But I'm so much more alive- how could that be ''badly managed''?

Anyway, I have practiced much Pranayama (raja yoga) etc...

 

[Sapphire Harp]

I'm going to counterpoint this thread. There's really no way to do it without hurting you, XIII and potentially causing distress to others who feel the same way, but I think it is important to offer it. I apologize for the harm, but I am doing it anyway.

I really had only one reaction to your portrait. It reminded me of a saying or quote I heard and struggled with, myself, several years ago. I don't know it's origins and I don't recall the phrasing - merely the gist of it.

We're all a lot less complicated and mysterious than we think we are.

It has also been my experience that while we believe we are complicated and mysterious, we will also do things to prove it to others and prove it to ourselves.​

 

[XIII]

You're awesome. I agree, he seems to have gotten so caught up in his own mind to realise that it was his own mind . I think he's better happy after I taught him some yoga to get out of his head

I'm going to counterpoint this thread. There's really no way to do it without hurting you, XIII and potentially causing distress to others who feel the same way, but I think it is important to offer it. I apologize for the harm, but I am doing it anyway.

I really only had one reaction to your portrait. It reminded me of a saying or quote I heard and struggled with, myself, several years ago. I don't know it's origins and I don't recall the phrasing - merely the gist of it.

We're all a lot less complicated and mysterious than we think we are.

It has also been my experience that while we believe we are complicated and mysterious, we will also do things to prove it to others and prove it to ourselves.​