Social Skills

[Weliddryn]

What exactly does it mean to have good social skills?
What does it mean to be socially inept?
Whose criteria is used to judge this?
What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others? What makes these work and in what context would they best be applied?

 

[Nicholas A. A. E.]

Seems to me it involves:

- understanding of what behaviours on your part will produce what effects on their part
- ability to effectively produce said behaviours

Seems to me INTPs naturally lack some part of both criteria.

But this looks a lot like a definition of charisma or some quality like that. What's the difference? Well, shyer-than-average people (or at least, quiet people?) can have social skills. Does "shy" mean lacking some part of the second criterion? I'm not sure. Maybe someone else can pick up where I left off, or just ignore me.

 

[Xanstrollinoax]

What exactly does it mean to have good social skills?
What does it mean to be socially inept?
Whose criteria is used to judge this?
What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others? What makes these work and in what context would they best be applied?

From my experience having good social skills means knowing the common standards produced by most of society and adhering to them. To be socially inept means either to not understand these standards or to disregard/ignore them. As for what criteria it seems to be based on the feeling preference of things seeing as many social skills are based on not causing others emotional distress or easing emotional distress. I rarely use social strategies except for manipulation for self preservation/interest. Understanding how the emotions effect the person's actions is what I rely on to make my manipulation work, but thats just me.

 

[Weliddryn]

From my experience having good social skills means knowing the common standards produced by most of society and adhering to them. To be socially inept means either to not understand these standards or to disregard/ignore them. As for what criteria it seems to be based on the feeling preference of things seeing as many social skills are based on not causing others emotional distress or easing emotional distress. I rarely use social strategies except for manipulation for self preservation/interest. Understanding how the emotions effect the person's actions is what I rely on to make my manipulation work, but thats just me.

What are these standards, exactly (in your area, I understand each culture will differ)? How do you recognize them? How much do you understand them and in what way (observing, experiencing, etc)?
Analyze! :3

 

[Xanstrollinoax]

What are these standards, exactly (in your area, I understand each culture will differ)? How do you recognize them? How much do you understand them and in what way (observing, experiencing, etc)?
Analyze! :3

To start with, most of the standards I refer to are ones I have observed/been informed about. Experiencing social standards ended after I was 13. I recognize them by noting a general percentage of people who agree with the standard and what social preference the people seem to have(introverted vs. extroverted etc.). I've been doing it this way for so long I didn't even think to explain how, my apologies. Most standards I understand to the point of why the average person would follow them, and I note it to avoid getting attacked...beyond that I don't really tend to care.

 

[Da Blob]

People with social skills find it easy To Be We.

 

[Dormouse]

Good social skills involve flattery. Lots and lots of flaterry. Or whatever necessary to make the person like you, or better yet, admire you.

Also knowing how to answer those stupid vague questions people ask. With humor.

 

[transformers]

Having social skills means being able to get along with all types of people, being able to make them feel good around you and not unintentionally causing conflict. A person with good social skills can charm and flatter other people on will, whereas a person devoid of social skills would fail to see how their actions and words could be misinterpreted, and would not be able to appease people. They lack the ability to correctly interpret others' intentions too.
It's entirely possible to have social skills and still be abrasive and rude, though, if you consider them unnecessary or undesired. I believe a moderate level of social skills is required for everybody, even INTP's, because let's face it, we live in a world full of people, it pays to know how to get along with them.

 

[fullerene]

This one might be a good set of questions to bring to the ENFPs...

 

[Tyria]

What exactly does it mean to have good social skills?

To be considered good at starting up conversations with others over something of interest (sometimes as an icebreaker to keep others relaxed and entertained at a function). Good is a subjective evaluation of one's social skills given the context of a situation and the skill the (user?) has.

What does it mean to be socially inept?

To be unable or unwilling to play the social games that are expected of an individual in a given social setting. To not be able to blend in with the rest of the circle.

Whose criteria is used to judge this?

It depends on the observer. Culture, social rituals, etc. all play a role, but what is considered to be socially adept in one culture may not be in all cultures. Certain rituals are unique to a society or group. Probably everyone at a party judges others to a certain extent, and probably the host will be the final judge of what is acceptable. If you don't pass, you probably won't get invited to any other social gatherings unless there are special circumstances.

What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others? What makes these work and in what context would they best be applied?

Talk about something that others find interesting. You could also try to get people to talk about themselves (usually a good subject for ice breakers). Memorize a few jokes if it helps, and use them if the moment seems right. Practice and experience are what will help shape your social life.

I think that they work depending on the people that you are talking to. You have to step outside of your boundaries a little bit each time to continue to grow and challenge yourself. I think certain people mesh well naturally; you don't have to really put much effort into having a conversation/good time with these individuals.

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

What exactly does it mean to have good social skills?
What does it mean to be socially inept?
Whose criteria is used to judge this?
What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others? What makes these work and in what context would they best be applied?

i think that the majority of people here understand that "social skills" isnt very objective.
however, i believe it has something to do with being able to communicate as is generally expected by society in a given circumstance.

"What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others?"
for me - make allot of jokes, people dont want to hear me talk about my plans for programming skynet.
dont be serious.
dont flame.
----
i have, for a while, been subconsciously imitating the other person - mostly their body language/attitude, i often adapt to their sense of humor, and try very hard not to step on their toes on things they value. i kind of adapt based on the person i am mainly in a conversation with.

--
however - when there is more than 3 people, i tend to just not talk at all and either zone out and "drift off into space" or just observe the other people, their body language, try to guess what one person thinks of the other.. etc.
i am very good at telling when a guy is interested in a girl, and when a girl is interested in a guy..

 

[Beat Mango]

It's not a skill.

 

[shoeless]

everyone here seems to be of the opinion that having "good social skills" requires walking on eggshells -- which is not surprising, given this is a community of INTP's, and for some reasons INTP's tend to be less socially functional than other introverts -- but still. maybe with strangers, but even then, only to an extent. if you are charismatic enough, you don't have to make small talk with everyone you meet in order to be "socially adept". but why isn't anyone considering personal social relationships in this?

 

[Latro]

Knowing the social mores
Being able to recognize people's feelings, motivations, etc.
Confidence
The ability to think on your feet
Relative or complete lack of anxiety
Capacity to enter into rapport with people easily.

There's definitely more that I'm missing. I think a lot of this about game-playing and ability to handle superficialities is really, really wrong and is just a testament to social frustration.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Perhaps social skills are an innate talent? One that must be formed and honed of course but something for which there is a natural predisposition towards. It's like asking what makes a great musician, sure practice practice practice is required but not just anyone can practice their way to being a great musician. There must be an innate talent in there to build from.

 

[Weliddryn]

ENFP's are the embodiment of Social Skills. I suppose that's 'nuff said. ;p

 

[Latro]

ENFP's are the embodiment of Social Skills. I suppose that's 'nuff said. ;p

To be honest EXFX is pretty much the embodiment of social skills in different ways. EXFJ has freaking dominant Fe for instance. I mean...just...that, unto itself, is profound, if you do it right. (Not all of them do, ofc.)

 

[Weliddryn]

Yeah, I can see that. I get along best with ENFP's, personally because of the shared intuition and open-mindedness.

Btw, the perspectives devised thus far are quite interesting so thanks people.

 

[Chimera]

Why can't introverts set the social standards...

side note: I'm good at blending into social situations and can put on a nearly perfect extrovert facade. I just choose not to most of the time. Too much effort for too little gain.​

 

[bluesquid]

hey folks. Lot of good ideas. To me it boils down to this.

practice. practice with people you know, and people you dont.

I think we INTP's hate to do something we aren't naturally good at. And dealing with ignorant, un intellectual, neurotic, etc... people on a continuous basis, is something we are not good at. right away at least.

I know this will sound trite. But dont be afraid of failure. Dont be afraid of judgment. Dont be afraid of condemnation. Just practice. Dont over think, just do it.

At some point you will realize you are good. Better than most in fact. Its pattern recognition, and managing the situation.

May sound bad, but Im on total auto pilot socially. What used to get in the way, analysis, is free to happen.

It will be a lot of practice. But put yourself out there and suck.suck bad. only way your gonna kick ass.

 

[Latro]

Squid--having gone through the experience of group therapy (basically a crash course in social skills in my early adolescence) in the past...it's not that simple for everyone. It is for a lot of people I think, and I think a lot of people do overthink it, but it really isn't that simple for everyone.

 

[bluesquid]

Squid--having gone through the experience of group therapy (basically a crash course in social skills in my early adolescence) in the past...it's not that simple for everyone. It is for a lot of people I think, and I think a lot of people do overthink it, but it really isn't that simple for everyone.

Rationality overcomes all. I really believe its about practice. But MBTI is a generalization. Most INTP's are vastly different. you get into aspergers(thought I had it), schizophrenia(thought I had it), depression(thought I had it). The list goes on. The only thing I had was a disconnect with life. I felt like I was in an exhibit left by aliens. I was different, and I tried to use higher functions to figure it out. To classify it.

My advice if you think its hard would be to take a second job, any job,well not at a prison or something like that. one that forces you to deal with people. Give yourself 6 months. You cant quit no matter what.

People are going to mock you. Criticize you up and down. But it gets better. The only way you can deal effectively with people, is to deal with people. Lock yourself into a problem, let your mind figure it out. Just know that people are conditioned to react. You dont have that conditioning. Let that simple fact, free you from worry. Im telling you you are a cross country runner naturally, that doesn't understand the track in a new culture. The ability is there, you just haven't learned how things work.

Kinda like the movie SAW. just kidding, but it might be bloody for awhile.

 

[bluesquid]

Do we all have this in common?

Remember being a child, and how natural we were with others? We were the precocious ones that could have a conversation with adults.

I believe school is the place we start to draw distinctions between ourselves and others. Believe its neidnagal that says we take to college like a duck takes to water. That we are around like minded people.

For years as a child I felt I was the one that was deficient. Keg stands? unprotected sex with strangers? Motorcycles?

all things that i didnt understand. Once I saw myself surrounded by unthinking people, i realized I was the antithesis, not the one lacking. I was free.

 

[bluesquid]

I have been thinking about this alot lately, so I thought I would post.

I remember back in my early twenties someone calling me slow. The person was obviously of limited intellectual abilities, but they were superior to mine at least one way. Banter.

They didnt explain to me that they meant slow in the sense of slow to respond with another time tested colloquialism(cliche). I thought he was calling me stupid.

I realized I am absent a world pregnant with a intangibly constructed richness of life. These people believe in this world that makes absolutely no sense! I rebelled. I withdrew. I didnt want any part of it.

I was reading something about the human race only existing to give the universe existence, meaning, and scope. Does a tree that falls in the forest... kind of bs. And I thought, "Thats the only way a lizard or any other lower organism can feel its universe, feel. Definitely not sentient observation.

So I realized that day, I was going to be a lizard whisperer. well i dint say that, but you get the point. That evolved into my dedication to become socially acceptable. I have achieved my goal.


A few examples of what turns us away from being social.

INTP's are lost in their heads. develop an ability to get out. alcohol and ephedrine are cheats

INTP's dont understand proportion or context. Dont take everything so literally. A magnificent propensity for sarcasm emerges.

INTP's loath criticism. Best thing for you, and a staple of peoples communication styles, i.e. "hey hank you ugly bald bastard, haven't seen you in ages!"

INTP's loath ugliness in social settings. Drunk coeds are stupid and annoying. Fights are stupid and dangerous.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

We are gifted with many skills as INTP's, and some glaring holes in our ability. Filling those holes augments your skills. I didnt want to be an alien in my own world. I wanted to be heard, and to influence the world. We alienate ourselves with our correct and accurate views on the world in social settings. People dont like that honesty. But learn how to communicate it in a circumspect way and you are something rare. A man(or woman) in full. You objectively see reality, and can act on it.

 

[warryer]

I hear ya squid.

Remaining present is something that I am trying to work on. The hard part is reminding myself that thats what I need to be doing. So much energy to force this.

I always wonder just how people can be so quick with their "comebacks." It takes me a few moments before I can come up with something.

I think that this has something to do with comfort level in any given social situtation.

(Also you forgot opiates and benzos )

 

[Ulysses]

<long post>

Your writing abilities are certainly sub-par for someone who's over 20. I just thought I'd point that out for your own benefit.

 

[bluesquid]

Your writing abilities are certainly sub-par for someone who's over 20. I just thought I'd point that out for your own benefit.

If you assert it, it is true. I banged this out faster than your average conversation.

seems many post a stream of consciousnesshere, whats wrong with that? Your just but hurt because I called you cliche.

 

[bluesquid]

I hear ya squid.

Remaining present is something that I am trying to work on. The hard part is reminding myself that thats what I need to be doing. So much energy to force this.

I always wonder just how people can be so quick with their "comebacks." It takes me a few moments before I can come up with something.

I think that this has something to do with comfort level in any given social situtation.

(Also you forgot opiates and benzos )

Your in the third person, yet myopic, or have tunnel vision in social settings? It is your comfort level. Getting comfortable sadly involves rote learning for us. But once you have a structure to work from, and are comfortable, your comebacks will be a blitzkrieg on the others comfort level.

 

[Infinite Regress]

I always wonder just how people can be so quick with their "comebacks." It takes me a few moments before I can come up with something.

Part of it helps being around other people and picking up on their one liners. I picked up a lot from my friends, rather than creating any structure.

 

[bluesquid]

Part of it helps being around other people and picking up on their one liners. I picked up a lot from my friends, rather than creating any structure.

comebacks are in many minds simply about dignity. To have some retort to save face.

But in many situations, they decide confrontations. If you are truly witty, in the moment, you win. And having canned comebacks doesnt cut it. You have to actually take a deep insight, and make it funny. You have to find the line, between harmless and mean. You make a comment about that moment, in the moment, and everyone laughs at your opponent, you win.

It also helps to have the practice pulling back from mean comments. When you have a righteous reason to be angry, you are allowed to verbally eviscerate someone. And when you demean someone who wronged you, and everyone laughs, even if they have concern for the person, you show dominance. Not a bad thing.

 

[Infinite Regress]

lol
I should have explained that you pick up on ideas from comebacks and other peoples experiences. No matter what the learning process, in general you start off with standard or borrowed ideas - then go on to develop your own.

Also I am discussing comebacks in the context of banter between friends.
You cut someone else's pride in front of a crowd, be prepared for physical retaliation, whether righteous reasons or not.

I don't know where you're from, but I've grown up seeing people knifed for less.

 

[bluesquid]

lol
I should have explained that you pick up on ideas from comebacks and other peoples experiences. No matter what the learning process, in general you start off with standard or borrowed ideas - then go on to develop your own.

Also I am discussing comebacks in the context of banter between friends.
You cut someone else's pride in front of a crowd, be prepared for physical retaliation, whether righteous reasons or not.

I don't know where you're from, but I've grown up seeing people knifed for less.

Lived everywhere. Im 6' 3'' and 270 lbs. so i dont worry much.

 

[Infinite Regress]

Lived everywhere. Im 6' 3'' and 270 lbs. so i dont worry much.

lol, one wonders why you need comebacks at all...

 

[bluesquid]

lol, one wonders why you need comebacks at all...

Im not allowed to phsically dominate a person, Im called a bully. But verbally i have carte blanche it seems.

I dont want to portray myself as some total ass. I am only a d bag when someone in my prescence is a d bag. I tend to try to help people.

 

[Trebuchet]

To have very good social skills, you have to care about having good social skills. You also have to enjoy and take pride in having good social skills. And you have to have very thick skin. INTPs most often don't have these traits. We can certainly develop them to a very respectable degree, but no one will consider us paragons of interaction.

What exactly does it mean to have good social skills?
The same thing it means to have good driving skills. You have to have enough experience and practice that you can operate with confidence and success in any normal situation, without making a mistake that will cost you. As in driving, others can compensate for your errors, which is why most errors aren't fatal. You can come across as rude or courteous, quiet or boisterous, but what matters is if you are smooth and confident.

What does it mean to be socially inept?
To be socially inept is to lack good social skills. Lack of confidence, experience, and practice, and an inability to judge the effect you are having on others, all can make you socially inept. People with good social skills can certainly put their foot in their mouth, but they will realize it quickly and come up with an appropriate way to correct the situation, fast. People without these skills may not even know they have offended, and may not care.

Whose criteria is used to judge this?
The majority of the people in the culture you are in. Extraverts. ESxJs. The rest of us get to nod.

What are some social skills or tactics/strageties have you noticed or developed in yourself or others? What makes these work and in what context would they best be applied?
Well, some people have been discussing comebacks and putdowns. I suck at these, and hate them. In the US, they do seem to be required to be considered socially deft, but I will never get it, so I don't even try. My strategy is to ignore it if possible. If it is an insult I just can't abide, I tell them so and let them think I am thin skinned.

Others brought up personal relationships. INTPs are loyal and dedicated friends and lovers. We handle betrayal very badly. While we don't develop relationships fast, when we do develop them, we work very hard to maintain them. We aren't considered socially deft because of it, because most people don't value the relationships the same way we do. But we are certainly desirable friends and mates, to those who realize it. I think social skills (looking like everyone else) and relationship skills (getting along with those who matter) aren't exactly the same thing.

 

[Infinite Regress]

Im not allowed to phsically dominate a person, Im called a bully. But verbally i have carte blanche it seems.

I dont want to portray myself as some total ass. I am only a d bag when someone in my prescence is a d bag. I tend to try to help people.

The point I'm making is to reserve comebacks/putdowns [in light heart] for friendships. Not street smart or good social skills to be doing it to strangers unless you have the muscle and/or cousins in the dozens to back you up.

I'll assume you're of the athletic, rugby build and can handle yourself...

 

[Trebuchet]

I forgot to add that in order to have good social skills, you must not be allergic to anything. If you have a rash, or are sneezing a lot, you are automatically socially inept no matter what else you do.

 

[Ulysses]

Your just but hurt because I called you cliche.

Not in the least. The opening sentence was meant to be cliche; the justification that followed was more central to the idea I was attempting to convey.

seems many post a stream of consciousnesshere, whats wrong with that? I banged this out faster than your average conversation.

Believe it or not, but there's absolutely no correlation between typing speed and coherence.

 

[bluesquid]

Not in the least. The opening sentence was meant to be cliche; the justification that followed was more central to the idea I was attempting to convey.



Believe it or not, but there's absolutely no correlation between typing speed and coherence.

stay in your own world. The world that is carefully crafted by you. The world you understand and enjoy. It will be a world resplendent with self affirming thoughts. A world of little to no tangible threats. Akin to a fort made by a child in a parents living room.

Im not here to explore myself. I have done the hard work. I have compared and contrasted myself to the world for many long years. I recognize an arrogant punk. A gifted, yet inexperienced punk. I was one. Go through this life stubborn and deaf, and you will die that way. I chose to learn about the world around me.

INTP is a talent. Somewhat like a guy thats good with his hands on the street. If that guy is happy with the street, and doesn't want to be ALI, then no sweat. But you will be poorer for the choice.

The best advice I was ever given, given being a rare gift in this world, was to listen. Arrogance makes listening difficult.

That was social skills in a nutshell.

 

[bananaphallus]

I forgot to add that in order to have good social skills, you must not be allergic to anything. If you have a rash, or are sneezing a lot, you are automatically socially inept no matter what else you do.

Very true. People, and I tend to agree with this lot, generally prefer that the sickly/temporarily-under-the-weather be put down, and sooner rather than later. Perspiration is also a no-no, regardless of the circumstances - sure, it's a reflexive bodily function, but that doesn't mean you're not a terrible person for doing it. Invulnerability and the inability to produce sweat will, at the very least, give you a fighting chance in social situations.

 

[warryer]

@Infinite Regress:

I appreciate the advice.

I am at a level where I don't need to borrow "comebacks" from other people.

My problem is getting them to be seamless. As squid says, canned responses just don't cut it to get the best effect. Each one must be tailored to each specific instance. I'm not horribly slow but, it does take me a few seconds.

I'd imagine that if I could get fast enough I could be stand-up comedian level.

@Squid:

Your analysis is spot on but, you didn't need me to tell you that.

I'm gona be honest, I only read your last post before I posted. I just looked over your older stuff now though.

I definitely relate to the depression, schizo thing. It was a HUGE breakthrough for me when I finally figured out that there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. Life took on a whole new meaning. It really helped that my closest friend was there to confirm my new findings.

Then I slipped back into my old ways of being depressed about my situation. I figured out that this is because I never gave myself the chance to practice. I relied on my old methods of going with the flow which of course did not give me the results I desired. It's strange that I should be surprised at this result.

I see now that you pretty much laid out the blueprints to achieve what you have. The only thing holding me back is the will to force myself into it.

----

I think with our abilities in dealing with abstraction and seeing things in alternate ways is where our strength lies in the social sense. I remember seeing something in another thread about comparing our rationale to 'bringing a nuke to a knife fight.' What beats a nuke? Nothing really... unless you count hiding in deep underground bunker and waiting it out (taking it in the ass).

This is exactly what we are capable of. However complete and utter obliteration of 'the enemy' is almost never necessary. (unless dealing with d-bags or self-righteous assholes). You have to learn to pull your punches.

Thats about where I lie in the spectruum. I know I have the ability but I don't have the fine tuning to use it to the best I possibly can.

 

[bluesquid]

@Infinite Regress:

I appreciate the advice.

I am at a level where I don't need to borrow "comebacks" from other people.

My problem is getting them to be seamless. As squid says, canned responses just don't cut it to get the best effect. Each one must be tailored to each specific instance. I'm not horribly slow but, it does take me a few seconds.

I'd imagine that if I could get fast enough I could be stand-up comedian level.

@Squid:

Your analysis is spot on but, you didn't need me to tell you that.

I'm gona be honest, I only read your last post before I posted. I just looked over your older stuff now though.

I definitely relate to the depression, schizo thing. It was a HUGE breakthrough for me when I finally figured out that there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. Life took on a whole new meaning. It really helped that my closest friend was there to confirm my new findings.

Then I slipped back into my old ways of being depressed about my situation. I figured out that this is because I never gave myself the chance to practice. I relied on my old methods of going with the flow which of course did not give me the results I desired. It's strange that I should be surprised at this result.

I see now that you pretty much laid out the blueprints to achieve what you have. The only thing holding me back is the will to force myself into it.

----

I think with our abilities in dealing with abstraction and seeing things in alternate ways is where our strength lies in the social sense. I remember seeing something in another thread about comparing our rationale to 'bringing a nuke to a knife fight.' What beats a nuke? Nothing really... unless you count hiding in deep underground bunker and waiting it out (taking it in the ass).

This is exactly what we are capable of. However complete and utter obliteration of 'the enemy' is almost never necessary. (unless dealing with d-bags or self-righteous assholes). You have to learn to pull your punches.

Thats about where I lie in the spectruum. I know I have the ability but I don't have the fine tuning to use it to the best I possibly can.

It makes me happy that you see what Im talking about. You sense how powerful you can be.

I also think of it this way.

The world needs you, us. It is filled with ignorant, amoral, and short sighted people. They generally achieve power in various forms because of the simplicity in which they strategize about the world.sometimes simple is most effective. They are the reason the world is becoming progressively fucked up. Where did they get us?

You, absent mental illness, are most likely not ignorant, amoral, and are not short sighted. Not because your altruistic or spectacularly just. Because thats what makes sense. Thats the only way you can be. The only way that is logical.

So make yourself do it. get out there. read books on anything remotely having to do with social skills. You will build a gestalt, that will become second nature, and you will constantly improve. Its like building a huge wall with one inch square blocks, but you will get there. At first you will be swimming hard, but eventually you will float. You can be social as effectively and effortlessly as you do anything you have already mastered. Just work.

Make yourself. YOU are too important a resource to not be in the game. Do it for me and the other 6 billion people on the planet. heck, do it for yourself.

 

[Rex]

stay in your own world. The world that is carefully crafted by you. The world you understand and enjoy. It will be a world resplendent with self affirming thoughts. A world of little to no tangible threats. Akin to a fort made by a child in a parents living room.

Im not here to explore myself. I have done the hard work. I have compared and contrasted myself to the world for many long years. I recognize an arrogant punk. A gifted, yet inexperienced punk. I was one. Go through this life stubborn and deaf, and you will die that way. I chose to learn about the world around me.

INTP is a talent. Somewhat like a guy thats good with his hands on the street. If that guy is happy with the street, and doesn't want to be ALI, then no sweat. But you will be poorer for the choice.

The best advice I was ever given, given being a rare gift in this world, was to listen. Arrogance makes listening difficult.

That was social skills in a nutshell.

I registered to this forum because what you wrote resonates deeply with my own experiences. I recognized at a point in my life, lets say when I was 16, that my self-perception and that of others of me were far apart. I knew I wasn't going to be happy being secluded from the world. I decided to move out of my shell and become less arrogant in the eyes of others. I compromised a lot in areas and tumbled around trying to find my place. I have since learned that it is continuously a delicate balance to strike between compromise and staying true to yourself.

I appreciate your thoughts on our importance in the world. The same appreciation has only come slowly and rather recently and I have yet to find the place where I can do most good.

 

[LAM]

Read this from one of the other threads:"It seem like other people poured most of there energy into surface level pseudo-problems instead the issues underlying them. of the important questions and issues of life. They spent a lot of time talking about nothing, and no time talking about anything."So now onto slightly off-topic question which might seem wrong to me tommorow but I really don't care anymore:Why would you want to socialise with shallow people such as the ones he described. I have a friend with AS and my discussions with him are very insightful (he won the state creative writing competition.) And generally people I would like to converse with are extremely easy to approach, they usually like you to do that in any case. Oh I've answered for myself already. Oh well can I still get your perspectives?

 

[bovinity]

I guess in broad terms being socially inept means not recognizing or not conforming to the unwritten norms of social behavior in everyday settings. But, it's tricky because the codes of conduct vary greatly between different settings. Like say, the codes of behavior at a college party and a finance office are not the same at all and a person may be completely apt in one but totally inept in the other.

It's kind of stupid to pin specific behavior as "socially inept" too, because what might get a positive reaction out of one person could get the total opposite reaction from another. I know a man who is 75 years old and has Asperger's Syndrome and does nothing but rant about Mech Warrior and how much better the world would be if he were king of all existence, but he's happily married and has raised two successful children. Many might regard him as a social retard but obviously he's done more than a few things right socially in his own context to get where he is today (his MBTI type is ENTJ).

Me? I don't get along with most people, and even with people I know well I can be a little awkward. That being said, I have the respect of alot of my peers, and more than a few people who I thought hated me turned out thinking I was "cool" in some way (aloofness+wry and well-timed sense of humor+"dark mysterious" band shirts seems to work out sometimes). I don't really have a wide set of what might be called "social skills", either.

 

[bluesquid]

Read this from one of the other threads:"It seem like other people poured most of there energy into surface level pseudo-problems instead the issues underlying them. of the important questions and issues of life. They spent a lot of time talking about nothing, and no time talking about anything."So now onto slightly off-topic question which might seem wrong to me tommorow but I really don't care anymore:Why would you want to socialise with shallow people such as the ones he described. I have a friend with AS and my discussions with him are very insightful (he won the state creative writing competition.) And generally people I would like to converse with are extremely easy to approach, they usually like you to do that in any case. Oh I've answered for myself already. Oh well can I still get your perspectives?

Its more about what you NEED to do, then what you enjoy. There are people that I dont enjoy working with. I still have to work with them. If i had remained non social, I would be subjected to whatever my coworkers decided. As a person that can use my brain, and interact effectively on a social level, I have the ability to strive towards my goals. Im not powerless.

Some of you may think that being social isnt needed. Im telling you dont know what your missing. Not that you are missing on what others have to say, or what they are doing. You are missing out on what you can do for yourself, via them. The respect you can get. Promotions, girls, peoples general respect, are all benefits to name a few.

You can be the top dog. You can wade through and interact with all the vapid, shallow people, and enjoy the respect they give you. You can design any life you want.

Good example would be:

Im reading this book http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553814591/ref=ox_ya_oh_product

very interesting reading. One chapter talks about smiling. Ton of information, but one interesting detail is how dominant people smile when they want to. Weak people smile and laugh all the time out of insecurity. A secure person can choose when they want laugh. When something is truly funny, or when they want to deride someone.

Im telling you if you learn the jargon and the methods of these people you loathe, you will choose when you are social. If you are effective socially, you walking into a room and not talking to anyone can become social. you can riff. pick and choose. It becomes fun.