yogurtexpress
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- Oct 12, 2011
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I can't say when it started, whether I was born this way, whether it's a case of environment or otherwise. I still haven't seen a doctor about this (not sure if I ever will), but I figure now's a good time as ever to relate my story to someone who could probably understand and add their own ideas/insights/interpretations.
I can't remember having social problems as a kid. I was always seen as somewhat weird, but I was quite outgoing and always had my own circle of friends that I related to. As hard as it is for me to acknowledge this, I was actually kind of popular even through my high school years. I was known as the class clown or the interesting creative kid, or even the goofy pothead, even though I didn't do drugs.
At about the age of 10, I stopped going outside. I can't remember why. The internet and TV seemed much more interesting. I was happy being in my own world, and not having to interact with people. This was the point where I became seriously introverted. I got a little fat (it was baby fat that puberty cleared up) and basically became a lazy nerd who sat on the computer all day. My father was very angry. He yelled at me and wanted me to play sports with other kids. I didn't want to. My mother cried at the kind of person I was becoming.
At the age of 12, my grades began to slip. The teachers called my house and complained. My mom got pretty upset. My father got even angrier. Education was everything to him, so he forced me to do math when I didn't want to. I bitched and moaned. Once, he got me so upset that I went into the bathroom and cut off all my hair. At this point, I became extremely depressed and suicidal.
In high school, my depression worsened. When I entered, I was a short chubby white kid in a school full of tall black ghetto dudes. I had my group of friends that supported me, but I felt really isolated nonetheless. I stayed home and read comics instead of going to school. Surprisingly, my grades were good because I was actually interested in the subjects this time around, and because the standards in the school were so low. I began to exhibit typical INTP behavior, especially on my walks to school (philosophical overthinking, analyzing the world, feeling too smart for my age, admiring of other intellectuals).
I wasn't particularly socially anxious in high school. Around my friends, I was outgoing, and among strangers I was kind of shy. One markable trait was that I was afraid to make eye contact. I used to think I had Asperger's. I mean I was a comic book/movie nerd with rusty social skills, so it made sense. Wasn't until recently that I knew it was S.A.D.
Jump to senior year. I began to fit society's definition of 'cool.' I was hanging out and playing sports more often than I would have ever wanted to in the past (although I still had serious coordination issues). I made a lot of friends, I did after-school shit, and I even went on a date (it ended horribly, but oh well). All in all, I was much happier than I'd ever been..
..Until college started. Everyone I knew in the past had suddenly disappeared before my eyes, as I had to adjust to this new world where I didn't know anybody. I decided not to dorm (wasn't interested, and I didn't want to waste my parents' money) so it seemed harder than ever to make friends. As if that wasn't bad enough, I was still stuck on this girl I knew from high school, so it seemed impossible to muster the confidence to get a new date. I felt more depressed than ever. I had my first panic attack on a train.
After I smoked weed (I wrote about this quite a bit in the marijuana thread), I had yet another major panic attack. So this was the point where I started getting CRAZY. This was also when I realized that I probably had social anxiety, because I was more afraid to talk to strangers than ever.
In early 2010, my family and I moved into a house for the first time. I don't know if it was a transitional thing or not, but I think I developed some sort of generalized anxiety disorder. I thought endlessly about death, I couldn't concentrate, and I thought I was even going to die at certain points. This was probably the darkest period of my life.
It got a little bit better...until the next time I smoked weed. This was when my social anxiety (and generalized anxiety, I suppose) REALLY went through the roof. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't even go outside without fearing that someone was watching me, or wanted to kill me.
And making eye contact was worse than feeling nervous or fearful...I literally felt like I COULDN'T look someone in the face without wanting to run away. It was as if my brain was sending signals and not letting me look at anyone.
In July, when I was taking a summer class in Spanish, it got so bad that I was having panic attacks in class as a regular occurrence, and sweating like a madman every time my professor even looked at me. Finally, I admitted to myself that I had a serious mental disorder, and somehow tricked my mind to get rid of it. Slowly my brain healed...and now it's exactly four months later, and I feel like I'm back to normal, with no signs of ever having another panic attack or feeling socially anxious.
Now like I said, I still don't know for sure if this was just S.A.D., or a mix of S.A.D., G.A.D., depression, and panic disorder (because when I was having panic attacks, I kept fearing and anticipating the next one). I think the simple answer is that I was just fucked up due to a number of factors, including genetics, environment, and pattern of thinking in general. Which is true, except it's too generalized. I don't know how I was fucked up.
Going to a psychiatrist or therapist at this point would seem like a waste of money, because by all means I am cured. The only problem is that I'm more confused about my true self than ever. I don't know whether I actually like things like parties and hanging out with friends, or whether having S.A.D. made me think I didn't like these things because they were so unbearable. So in a lot of ways, I'm very confused about who I am as a person. I'm not even sure I'm really INTP. Maybe I'm ENTP, or maybe some other type after all. When you have a mental disorder as severe as this one, it would probably be worth retaking the MBTI and figuring it out....even though it's probably the least important thing right now when I consider all the other things I have to start fixing in my life.
I can't remember having social problems as a kid. I was always seen as somewhat weird, but I was quite outgoing and always had my own circle of friends that I related to. As hard as it is for me to acknowledge this, I was actually kind of popular even through my high school years. I was known as the class clown or the interesting creative kid, or even the goofy pothead, even though I didn't do drugs.
At about the age of 10, I stopped going outside. I can't remember why. The internet and TV seemed much more interesting. I was happy being in my own world, and not having to interact with people. This was the point where I became seriously introverted. I got a little fat (it was baby fat that puberty cleared up) and basically became a lazy nerd who sat on the computer all day. My father was very angry. He yelled at me and wanted me to play sports with other kids. I didn't want to. My mother cried at the kind of person I was becoming.
At the age of 12, my grades began to slip. The teachers called my house and complained. My mom got pretty upset. My father got even angrier. Education was everything to him, so he forced me to do math when I didn't want to. I bitched and moaned. Once, he got me so upset that I went into the bathroom and cut off all my hair. At this point, I became extremely depressed and suicidal.
In high school, my depression worsened. When I entered, I was a short chubby white kid in a school full of tall black ghetto dudes. I had my group of friends that supported me, but I felt really isolated nonetheless. I stayed home and read comics instead of going to school. Surprisingly, my grades were good because I was actually interested in the subjects this time around, and because the standards in the school were so low. I began to exhibit typical INTP behavior, especially on my walks to school (philosophical overthinking, analyzing the world, feeling too smart for my age, admiring of other intellectuals).
I wasn't particularly socially anxious in high school. Around my friends, I was outgoing, and among strangers I was kind of shy. One markable trait was that I was afraid to make eye contact. I used to think I had Asperger's. I mean I was a comic book/movie nerd with rusty social skills, so it made sense. Wasn't until recently that I knew it was S.A.D.
Jump to senior year. I began to fit society's definition of 'cool.' I was hanging out and playing sports more often than I would have ever wanted to in the past (although I still had serious coordination issues). I made a lot of friends, I did after-school shit, and I even went on a date (it ended horribly, but oh well). All in all, I was much happier than I'd ever been..
..Until college started. Everyone I knew in the past had suddenly disappeared before my eyes, as I had to adjust to this new world where I didn't know anybody. I decided not to dorm (wasn't interested, and I didn't want to waste my parents' money) so it seemed harder than ever to make friends. As if that wasn't bad enough, I was still stuck on this girl I knew from high school, so it seemed impossible to muster the confidence to get a new date. I felt more depressed than ever. I had my first panic attack on a train.
After I smoked weed (I wrote about this quite a bit in the marijuana thread), I had yet another major panic attack. So this was the point where I started getting CRAZY. This was also when I realized that I probably had social anxiety, because I was more afraid to talk to strangers than ever.
In early 2010, my family and I moved into a house for the first time. I don't know if it was a transitional thing or not, but I think I developed some sort of generalized anxiety disorder. I thought endlessly about death, I couldn't concentrate, and I thought I was even going to die at certain points. This was probably the darkest period of my life.
It got a little bit better...until the next time I smoked weed. This was when my social anxiety (and generalized anxiety, I suppose) REALLY went through the roof. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't even go outside without fearing that someone was watching me, or wanted to kill me.
And making eye contact was worse than feeling nervous or fearful...I literally felt like I COULDN'T look someone in the face without wanting to run away. It was as if my brain was sending signals and not letting me look at anyone.
In July, when I was taking a summer class in Spanish, it got so bad that I was having panic attacks in class as a regular occurrence, and sweating like a madman every time my professor even looked at me. Finally, I admitted to myself that I had a serious mental disorder, and somehow tricked my mind to get rid of it. Slowly my brain healed...and now it's exactly four months later, and I feel like I'm back to normal, with no signs of ever having another panic attack or feeling socially anxious.
Now like I said, I still don't know for sure if this was just S.A.D., or a mix of S.A.D., G.A.D., depression, and panic disorder (because when I was having panic attacks, I kept fearing and anticipating the next one). I think the simple answer is that I was just fucked up due to a number of factors, including genetics, environment, and pattern of thinking in general. Which is true, except it's too generalized. I don't know how I was fucked up.
Going to a psychiatrist or therapist at this point would seem like a waste of money, because by all means I am cured. The only problem is that I'm more confused about my true self than ever. I don't know whether I actually like things like parties and hanging out with friends, or whether having S.A.D. made me think I didn't like these things because they were so unbearable. So in a lot of ways, I'm very confused about who I am as a person. I'm not even sure I'm really INTP. Maybe I'm ENTP, or maybe some other type after all. When you have a mental disorder as severe as this one, it would probably be worth retaking the MBTI and figuring it out....even though it's probably the least important thing right now when I consider all the other things I have to start fixing in my life.
