Small Talk tips

[P.N. Guin]

I found a thread on this awhile ago on an INTJ forum and it resulted in 30+ pages of moaning. I don't really want that here. I'd like a thread for those who dislike small talk, but are committed to get much better at it. So what has made small talk easier for you? At the moment, I'm using the FORD technique.

 

[catatonic]

Mmmmhhh...

Spoiler

:smiley_emoticons_mr

 

[Ionosphere]

I've never really had much patience for small talk. Almost every conversation I have is on some philosophical, scientific or political idea. The problem is, however, that it's almost necessary for getting to know new people and in situations where you have to be polite and pass time. I generally tend to be quiet in all small talk based conversations, drifting off into a world of thought in my mind, sometimes misleading people to mistakenly think that I'm shy when I'm just not paying attention. I've always generally tried to avoid small talk, but if necessary I'll talk about the current situation wherever I am and simply state facts on current situations without providing an opinion.

 

[Fukyo]

http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=705

http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=6992

http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=13806

 

[Dr. Freeman]

Tip 1: Don't give in to small talk!

http://xkcd.com/602/

 

[skip]

This book helped me tremendously. Also, I tried hard to be an ESFJ for most of my young life and came away from that with some usable skills, small talk was one of them. I hate it but it can be useful at times.

 

[Tony3d]

The real goal of small talk is to be talking about as little substance as possible and just try to create a fun exchange.

You are not trying to get anywhere with your words, you are just trying to show that you are a safe, approachable person to talk to and that you are fun and interesting to be around.

This is what will get people to want to come talk to you again, and then you can actually start talking to them about real topics and start getting to know them.

In my opinion the best thing to do at first is to keep from giving too much information about yourself or asking information about them, other than just small not immportant things that you can chat about. I don't give my name or ask their name, I don't ask them what they do for a living and I don't tell them stuff like where I am from or whatever, unless it is part of an exchange such as, "where I grew up people would always do this as opposed to that, what did people do where you are from?" and then the other person will become curious about where you are from, and from there you can actually tell them.



But making people curious about you is the key. Build curiosity so they want to come back and learn more about you later, make them chase you to get information about who you are.

Keep it fun, because it is more immportant to be fun and open than it is to be clever and funny, being lighthearted is better than being a comedian.

Just have fun with the exchange and keep them curious enough to want to build actual networking later.



And the last thing is, use body language correctly. The small talk is just filler and while they are distracted with that you can project body language to their subconscious mind to make them preceive you however you want. It is actually more immportant how you say things and what kind of body language and eye contact you use, than what you are actually saying to begin with.

 

[Niclmaki]

Small Talk? Yuck.
I wait for a topic of some value to be put out there, or I put it there myself. I don't care much about how it's raining or anything obvious. Or what that your 3rd cousin just had a kid. /rage


...well maybe I should work on small talk

 

[Tony3d]

I found a thread on this awhile ago on an INTJ forum and it resulted in 30+ pages of moaning. I don't really want that here. I'd like a thread for those who dislike small talk, but are committed to get much better at it. So what has made small talk easier for you? At the moment, I'm using the FORD technique.

I honestly don't consider the FORD technique to be small talk, because it is getting way too much into finding out information about people, you REALLY don't want it to seem like an interview or something. People are judging you on how you react to talking about nothing, not about how well you can ask them general questions about themselves.

But that is just my opinion.

Small Talk? Yuck.
I wait for a topic of some value to be put out there, or I put it there myself. I don't care much about how it's raining or anything obvious. Or what that your 3rd cousin just had a kid. /rage


...well maybe I should work on small talk

You need to understand that they don't really care either. Small talk is when the people involved are basically judgeing whether or not they want to later on talk to you about immportant topics or not.

They ARE NOT judgeing you or care at all about the topics being spoke, what you and them are both judgeing is subconscious, it is body language and eye contact and how open and friendly and fun you are when speaking about nothing.

Small talk is basically just getting them curious enough and getting them to think you are fun enough that they want to in the future talk to you about more immportant things. Small talk can open up the door to a business contact telling you about an immportant new project at his company and could lead to you getting a high paying job working on that project. Small talk can open up the door to a cute girl wanting to go on a date and get to know you.

 

[Niclmaki]

Bah humbug! I still don't like it.

Whoever I am with usually does it for me if anyone does approach us. I have a very good body langauge to say "I do not wish to talk to any of you." It has really only failed once, and it was when a guy wanted to hit on me.

It just feels like such an awkward thing to do. How do I talk about thoughtless things if I am always thinking?

 

[pernoctator]

They ARE NOT judgeing you or care at all about the topics being spoke, what you and them are both judgeing is subconscious, it is body language and eye contact and how open and friendly and fun you are when speaking about nothing.

So, when you say "they ARE NOT judging you", you basically mean "they are judging you".

 

[Intellect]

As long as you're actively listening to what people are saying, small talk and conversation won't be such a big deal. People often tell me I'm a good conversationalist, but I'm just good at listening, really. People just want to be heard.

Another thing that helped me was getting better at reading expressions and social cues. The better you can gauge what someone is feeling, the easier it is to react to it.

Some general advice I gave an INTP friend recently: Just listen to what the other person has to say and then affirm that you heard it + respond with something brief and related to the subject. You can comment on what they're talking about or discuss something more relevant to you, but stay on topic (in general) and show that you're listening.

 

[Tony3d]

So, when you say "they ARE NOT judging you", you basically mean "they are judging you".

You cut my quote short, "They ARE NOT judging you... about the topics being spoke"

I was refering to the fact that they are judging you on one thing as opposed to on the other, and not that they are in any way witholding judgment of you. All human interaction is in fact a game of judging at first.

You just have to realize it is more about body language and eye contact and being able to be lighthearted, fun, and being able bring up a curiosity inside of people.

They do not care one bit about the content. I honestly laugh at at arrogance of INTPs that look down on these people for careing about such silly things, because the simple fact is, the people saying this stuff don't care either.

 

[Tony3d]

As long as you're actively listening to what people are saying, small talk and conversation won't be such a big deal. People often tell me I'm a good conversationalist, but I'm just good at listening, really. People just want to be heard.

Another thing that helped me was getting better at reading expressions and social cues. The better you can gauge what someone is feeling, the easier it is to react to it.

Some general advice I gave an INTP friend recently: Just listen to what the other person has to say and then affirm that you heard it + respond with something brief and related to the subject. You can comment on what they're talking about or discuss something more relevant to you, but stay on topic (in general) and show that you're listening.

A lot of Introverted Thinkers seem to just want to wait for the other person to stop talking so they can say whatever more immportant thing they want to talk about.

I think it is quite arrogant to be that way. Almost everyone out there has something valuable that you can learn from them if you just take the time to listen.


When you are listening, answer them back with something open ended that shows you were listening, but also lets them share something else. Never just answer with a one word response.

Example:

-Other Person- ...so after I got to the top of the mountain I realized that I had left my water bottle in my car

-You- You went hiking without water on a hot summer day, that trip back must have sucked. How often do you go hiking?

-Other Person- I usually go every other weekend when I am not having to put in overtime at work

-You- I try to get outside and get some exercise when I can as well, is your job really that busy that you have to work overtime a lot?

 

[P.N. Guin]

I honestly don't consider the FORD technique to be small talk, because it is getting way too much into finding out information about people, you REALLY don't want it to seem like an interview or something. People are judging you on how you react to talking about nothing, not about how well you can ask them general questions about themselves.

But that is just my opinion.

This is a good point, and I have notably never asked about Family as it always seemed too personal a topic. It's also not as fun to talk about as Recreation or Dreams.

A lot of Introverted Thinkers seem to just want to wait for the other person to stop talking so they can say whatever more immportant thing they want to talk about.

I think it is quite arrogant to be that way. Almost everyone out there has something valuable that you can learn from them if you just take the time to listen.


When you are listening, answer them back with something open ended that shows you were listening, but also lets them share something else. Never just answer with a one word response.

I'd also add that one shouldn't be too clever or pedantic. If someone says something factually inaccurate, I find it's best to accept their established reality and humour them by continuously asking relevant questions. A quick correction can just lead to a 'um, okay then' and the conversation ceases. It's best to leave that stuff for a later, deeper conversation...

 

[pernoctator]

You cut my quote short, "They ARE NOT judging you... about the topics being spoke"

I was refering to the fact that they are judging you on one thing as opposed to on the other, and not that they are in any way witholding judgment of you. All human interaction is in fact a game of judging at first.

You just have to realize it is more about body language and eye contact and being able to be lighthearted, fun, and being able bring up a curiosity inside of people.

They do not care one bit about the content. I honestly laugh at at arrogance of INTPs that look down on these people for careing about such silly things, because the simple fact is, the people saying this stuff don't care either.

Small talk is a regular occurrence among people who already know each other, so I don't understand why you're so focused on this "judging" idea. If they don't care one bit about the topics, why are they continuously brought up after they have served their purpose?

And if small talk's purpose is truly for people to judge what kind of relationship they want from you, and you're a person who isn't inclined to engage in small talk, then why not present yourself as such a person so as to make their judgement more informed by reality? Why purposefully advertise something different than what you actually have to offer?

 

[Tony3d]

Small talk is a regular occurrence among people who already know each other, so I don't understand why you're so focused on this "judging" idea. If they don't care one bit about the topics, why are they continuously brought up after they have served their purpose?

And if small talk's purpose is truly for people to judge what kind of relationship they want from you, and you're a person who isn't inclined to engage in small talk, then why not present yourself as such a person so as to make their judgement more informed by reality? Why purposefully advertise something different than what you actually have to offer?

Well, if you want to avoid small talk, then you are just limiting the number of people who will trust you enough to enter into a true important conversation.

I for one would rather make small talk with people, make them feel comfortable around me, and then when they have something immportant to say, they won't feel akward around me.

It could mean the difference between hearing about a new higher paying position at work that you can apply for, or being left out of the loop, it could make the difference between seeing a cute girl and actually having her be curious enough to go on a date and get to know you.


This is an immportant life skill, and I for one am going to keep working at getting better at it. Just because INTPs are distant by nature doesn't mean I am not going to try to improve myself, because I can clearly see the logical advantage of someone who can make others feel comforable around them as opposed to someone who doesn't want to talk to anyone.

 

[pernoctator]

This is an immportant life skill, and I for one am going to keep working at getting better at it. Just because INTPs are distant by nature doesn't mean I am not going to try to improve myself, because I can clearly see the logical advantage of someone who can make others feel comforable around them as opposed to someone who doesn't want to talk to anyone.

I'm not ready to say there is no importance to it, I'm only saying I'm skeptical of your interpretation of what small talk is and what it's for. You seem to think it's all related to first impressions and that it's the determining factor for strangers to decide whether they want to continue getting to know you. I don't believe that. The first impression idea makes no sense because small talk exists well beyond that stage, and I believe there are other (and better) ways to present yourself as an interesting person worth getting to know than by talking about things that neither you or the other has any interest in.

 

[Tony3d]

I'm not ready to say there is no importance to it, I'm only saying I'm skeptical of your interpretation of what small talk is and what it's for. You seem to think it's all related to first impressions and that it's the determining factor for strangers to decide whether they want to continue getting to know you. I don't believe that. The first impression idea makes no sense because small talk exists well beyond that stage, and I believe there are other (and better) ways to present yourself as an interesting person worth getting to know than by talking about things that neither you or the other has any interest in.

I couldn't tell you why other personality types tend to like to make excessive small talk, I just know as an INTP it is purely a strategic decision to keep myself open to new people and to continue an open correspondence with people I already know in order to not miss out on possible oportunities.

I know that most of the world doesn't view things the way we do, so at times we must do what is most logical and make them feel comfortable for our own best interests.

I honestly don't beleive that there is any other was to present yourself to extraverted people other than using banter to make them feel comfortable enough with you to open up more immportant topics. You can't logically sell yourself to people until you get them to open up to you and get them curious enough to listen.

 

[koan]

I'm not even good at identifying what is small talk. For example, one co-worker makes small talk about her abusive relationship at home with her boyfriend. It's small talk to me because she has lived with and returned to a relationship with this guy for over a decade after repeated attempts at intervention from other staff. She pulled me aside to show me a bruise on her arm so I offered to photograph it and help her file charges. She told me she had thrown something at him first. That, to me, becomes small talk because she is perfectly happy with the status quo and was unwilling to investigate ways of putting the violence to an end. After a month of such small talk and her inability to even peruse a book I got from the library which explained misogyny I moved on to more meaningful conversation with other people.

Aside from things like that, most of my small talk is to discourage discussion. Like customers I don't know walking up and saying "my wife died last week" while a line up of people waits behind them.

 

[The Gopher]

Come practice smalltalk! http://www.intpforum.com/misc.php?do=cchatbox

Although there are three things you need to know if you enter. One the chatbox doesn't work well realtime and conversatinos normaly take place over days/hours. Two I am your overlord and master :smiley_emoticons_mr

And three if you use the colour purple.

Cause it's a reserved colour for the totally official mod of the chatbox (me)... but! Apart from that everything goes.

 

[Silphiums]

My favorite trick - do whatever it takes to get them to talk about themselves. Everyone loves to talk about self and their lives.

Once they get going on that track it's hard to shut them up, and all I have to do is nod and prod them to continue. I haven't had to put out much energy, I'm still seen as friendly, and they feel like someone actually listened. It's usually a win-win.

Unless they start getting nosy about my personal life in which case it becomes more of a chess game to see who can keep the other talking... I *usually* (not always) win.