Sleepless, thoughtless, loveless

[Melkor]

Almost four in the morning, I can't sleep, peace is denied of me.

I'm searching, clawing through words and shapes, devouring the slivers of thought. All decency has left me.Everything.

Every post he ever made, every pm, every god damn poem, text, recording, email, untamed thought, expression of joy, despair, warnings, so many warnings! Every scrap of soul in this place, gutted!

What has this forum done to me? I feel it, like spiders know the rain, I'm already dead, just waiting on the threads to snap.

 

[Melkor]

And god, the lonliness, it always comes now, when it's dark and fetid and my mind is weak.

Death, dying alone, but not just that, not just me.

Everything!

Those red trails of light, the dust, every star that ever was, every face and it's voice...

and that horrible noise, the hushing, swishing, soothing, mocking melody at the end of time so fucking torturous!

I've found it all, read it all.

No more of him on intpforum..

we're both empty now.

 

[Melkor]

I've forgot my voice...

Lost my thoughts...

maybe it'll be the same, like it was for him.

Someone will find me dying here, like I found him dying here... And they'll save me.

God.

What do I even sound like?

Small...I'm so small, my hands are tiny.

I'm a brave wolf. Fucking brave god-forsaken wolf.

 

[y4r5xeym5]

Uhhh....hi Melkor.....*utterly confused*

 

[Melkor]

It's dark, especially out there.

I don't want to go for the light, it's away over there, something will get me.

What eats a wolf? What eats a puppy!?

I can't think right... Still small...

Can't think of anything else, it's like a constant, forever expanding, infinity, the sun pales before him.

 

[Melkor]

I'm sorry... If you're listening I'm so sorry. <3<3<3<3<3

Della was right. Nothing good here, nothing well, just pain, hidden beneath precious stones and sweet enamel smiles.

I'm breathing fast, it feels like my chest cavity it evaporating, it's taking nothing in.

I'm sorry, I still love you.

Your poetry was beautiful.

 

[Melkor]

No-ones coming.

No-one read my thread, nobody cares.

I know... I knew... He was better than me, someone was bound to answer him, bound to talk all the pain away, on this wee forum, you're just unlucky it was me.

but no-ones coming.

I'm not a wolf.

He's right.

I'm an insignificant, impressionable, glass stained, ice-fragile little puppy.

 

[y4r5xeym5]

*points to self*

Umm...something the matter?

 

[Melkor]

You're not like me. You have to be like me, like I was for him.

Everything is matter, matter is everything, yet, nothing matters.


Just like he said, I feel like an old man, end of all ends, ready to go, waiting around to die.


I know why, but how, what, who!?

 

[ashitaria]

Great. I come back from reading a book about Dungeons & Dragons and now I see a depressed emo. -_-

On a side note, hi Melkor.

 

[Melkor]

Want to sleep, can't.

Will perhaps die if I take more pills, but this is desperation.

I feel so warm and empty,.

Can't think of anything else.


God help me.

 

[ashitaria]

Why don't you take a warm bath, wear your bath robe out and sip some tea or honey-water, get a good book, and find a nice comfy sofa?

I tell you, it fucking works wonders.

 

[Mints]

Perhaps for the first time in a long time, I have seen someone say things only coherent to themselves when speaking, in a pit. As incoherent as it may be to speak to others while not refering to other, the words spoken are for himslef and himslef only.


Melkor, you should talk to someone. One on one. personally.

 

[Melkor]

What goods talking when you're alone, when you've nothing good left to say?

I'm sorry sweetie.

Just answer, you or someone like you, like me.

 

[Cognisant]

Will somebody with a Fe shut him up already.

I'd hug him but that'll probably do more harm than good.
Then again if I hugged him enough…

 

[asmit127]

Is everyone reading this as incoherent? Makes sense to me...

Anyone who can be as blunt and confident as you, Melkor, should not be in this state over another - surely you're aware that the only thing you can rely on in this life is yourself? If you really loved him be happy that he is and move on.

I have no idea who you've lost but I'm surely not alone here in wanting to get you back on your feet - most are just asleep. I hope the extra pills sent you to join them rather than to the morgue!

(I really suck at this supporting role, but had to try something )

 

[aracaris]

Why don't you take a warm bath, wear your bath robe out and sip some tea or honey-water, get a good book, and find a nice comfy sofa?

I tell you, it fucking works wonders.

Hmmm that sounds good to me. It's about 4am where I am too, but I almost always feel my best very late, never ever adjust to having to wake up early, not even with soooo many pills. Sucks that any of us have to take pills just to manage to be awake enough to hold down a day job, I'm getting a very strong impression I"m far from the only one here that does this.

So, should I drug myself and go to sleep so I wake up at a half way "decent" hour or should I enjoy some tea instead?

I really suck at the supporting role too, especially over the internet, but sometimes Melkor it isn't so bad just to be a puppy, can't be a wolf without being a pup first anyhow.

 

[intuitivet]

I think I kind of understand.
It gets worse over time then suddenly something will happen and change the whole thing. Then you'll feel numb for a while, then you'll start feeling better.
It takes time but it does go away and you'll reach a new equilibrium, until then just take it easy.

 

[Minuend]

It's not easy to have that suppressed feeling of desperation just under the surface. It has a way of manifesting itself every now and then. But we are heeeeere for you Melkooooor.

 

[ashitaria]

It's not easy to have that suppressed feeling of desperation just under the surface. It has a way of manifesting itself every now and then. But we are heeeeere for you Melkooooor.

I hope you don't mean anything dirty...

 

[Minuend]

Was it that obvious?

 

[Melkor]

I must apologize to everyone for this thread, it was created while I was senseless and insecure, drugged up the eyeballs and searching the forums manically.

I barely remember writing any of it, and I certainley regret being so revealing.

Sadly, it seems my mood also lost me a friend, a forumer too, if I only knew why...

I despise all elements of myself equally... I wish to be locked away.

Sorry once more, and a thousand times thereafter.

 

[Cavallier]

*tucks a blanket lovingly around the exhausted Melkorling as he lies in the mud crushed and discarded after Cog's failed attempt at Fe*

The forum's heart beats the same uneven rhythm as the Melkorling's. Do you share souls?

*lies down in the mud next to the Melkorling and stares at the clouds passing overhead*

 

[Moocow]

This reminds me a lot of the things I've said to people online while tripping. It's perfectly fine to unleash the demons occasionally.

Becoming an old man... waiting around to die, for something to occur but you're not sure what... wishing you could get someone to understand how lost and alone you are yet words are so useless and vague... good times.

I may be wrong if that isn't the case for melkor but it seems very familiar.

 

[AlisaD]

Sorry I have to do this, I cry as I open your door and let the monsters in. Fangs and claws and teeth everywhere, they stink of blood and sulphur, their eyes red, their souls black.
I close the door and listen to the sounds of struggle coming from the other side, you howl, you yelp and scream, I twitch at every sound you make. But they scream as well.

I'm not sure will you come out, and if you do, you will be wounded and aching and hate me perhaps, but you will be a wolf. And you won't be scared of being a pup.

I'm so sorry I have to do this, but I see no other way.

 

[Melkor]

Well...This is all very dull...

I do wish I was in an overbearing mood, perhaps said friend would be forced to speak to me then.

Bah.

I detest myself.