Self-sabotaging tendencies

[Ombat]

Wondering if any of you can think of any behaviors that you've identified as hurting you / holding you back but that you can't (or won't) control.

As for me, I tend to make arrogantly sarcastic comments in almost every situation I'm in, except for with people that I'm already close to. I've always had somewhat of a difficult time making friends, and I'm at the point where I believe that I cannot make friends at all, so even though I'm screaming to myself "shut the hell up you sound like a douchebag right now" my mouth continues to run.

This could be that I don't know how to interact in social situations so this is the only thing I know how to do or that I'm trying to hard to be funny or something but whatever it is, the fact that I can't make myself stop doing it makes me believe that I don't want people to like me.

I also have this kind of behavior in school as well. I half-ass everything because I don't want to try and fail.

Anything similar with you guys?

 

[Tunesimah]

Yes... maybe.

I tend to do social experiments with little concern with the consequences. Like saying what I want to a boss, being more sarcastic with a teacher. I'm usually pretty carful and neurotic about what I do socially... but when I don't want to be it can be a fun time. And often to my long term detriment.

I often make plans, get within a moment of starting that plan... and then finding something that turns me away... and makes me second guess what I'm doing. I'm looking for perfection, when perfection doesn't exist...

 

[warryer]

Yup I'm like that myself. I too make those same "asshole-move" sarcastic comments. I think its the cause of our egos. I only discovered this recently and I'd be curious to know if others have found the same thing.

I don't think this is something to dislike about yourself. I personally value this about myself because I do it in such a way as to show people that life is not something to be taken seriously because its fucked up enough as it is. It's all about perspective.

If people can see what you're are really saying then they will love you for it. I know when I unleash my true-self it's almost unfair. What I mean is I am nearly unbeatable but when I find somebody who does, I made a lifelong friend.

As a side note it's usually women who can see the real me and they love what they find, and when I say love I mean LOVE me. I always tell my best friend that I don't understand why they love me so much because its only me being me. I may come off as arrogant here but I'm only telling it how I see it.

I guess my advice to you OP is that don't worry about whether people like you or not because those who are worthy of your time will understand the point of your comments.

God dammit I love this board. So many like minded people here.

 

[UppyDownyMouth]

Wondering if any of you can think of any behaviors that you've identified as hurting you / holding you back but that you can't (or won't) control.

As for me, I tend to make arrogantly sarcastic comments in almost every situation I'm in, except for with people that I'm already close to. I've always had somewhat of a difficult time making friends, and I'm at the point where I believe that I cannot make friends at all, so even though I'm screaming to myself "shut the hell up you sound like a douchebag right now" my mouth continues to run.

This could be that I don't know how to interact in social situations so this is the only thing I know how to do or that I'm trying to hard to be funny or something but whatever it is, the fact that I can't make myself stop doing it makes me believe that I don't want people to like me.

I also have this kind of behavior in school as well. I half-ass everything because I don't want to try and fail.

Anything similar with you guys?

I get this feeling without really knowing where it comes from. The worst example i can think of that ive done in the past is break it off with perfectly nice girlfriends, only to regret it later. They are probably left wondering wtf just happened...

Its not that i think we dont want to be liked. Sometimes i think im so internal that you really have to know me to understand my jokes and stuff, so my close friends often laugh at them when everyone else is left scratching their heads.

As for not being able to stop talking... yeah thats annoying again especially around girls you like.. there was a topic 2 days ago in which someone said, girls i dont really like befriend me easily, its only when i start to try to keep a conversation with a girl i like that i just cant form sentences. I think we INTPs have a hard time 'being ourselves' and we dont cope with social pressure.... once i have it in my mind that im going to ask a girl out. i act completely differently around her.

As for not trying at school... School lessons are often shit imo... dont feel like thats a failing.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Wondering if any of you can think of any behaviors that you've identified as hurting you / holding you back but that you can't (or won't) control.

Sure, I've had such problems.

As for me, I tend to make arrogantly sarcastic comments in almost every situation I'm in, except for with people that I'm already close to. I've always had somewhat of a difficult time making friends, and I'm at the point where I believe that I cannot make friends at all, so even though I'm screaming to myself "shut the hell up you sound like a douchebag right now" my mouth continues to run.

My circumstances haven't gone this far, or in this direction.

This could be that I don't know how to interact in social situations so this is the only thing I know how to do or that I'm trying to hard to be funny or something but whatever it is, the fact that I can't make myself stop doing it makes me believe that I don't want people to like me.

Sounds a little like garden-variety insecurities to me.

I also have this kind of behavior in school as well. I half-ass everything because I don't want to try and fail.

Yeah, this is a problem. Here's something to think about. A lot of people feel like big time rejection or sadness is a little too much to have to deal with. So, they pull up this wall of a background screen of mild unhappiness. It's a little like always assuming some weak strain of pessimism as a defense against the blow that can happen when, while being optimistic, things don't go well.

But, it doesn't work. There is no amount of background unhappiness that you can amass that will make you happy.

Period.

Took me more than 30 years to learn that lesson.

There are other, better, healthier approaches. And, if you address them, then the other situations will probably take care of themselves.

Dave

 

[Ombat]

Warryer:
It does seem very egotistical and that's what bothers me about it. Men who are sarcastic are more often than not found funny and attractive, which is why I'm sure that girls love you. I'm sure I would. I'm a girl. And that's my problem. I think women are received a lot differently than men in this situation. But my friends who do understand my sense of humor understand where I'm coming from, so it isn't a problem.

Uppy: (sorry, that's what I'm calling you)
This happens when I talk to practically anybody. I'll say something witty and then I actually start to talk to them and I'm so socially awkward that it's pretty much over after that. Since you're talking to a girl you like, you're obviously more nervous and nervousness makes you even more awkward. I understand. Edit: Sorry, you didn't say that. What you did say about being so internal. That may be it. I mean, I don't really know what the problem is.

Vrecknidj:
It is insecurities. I just don't know how to use these "healthier approaches"

 

[Ermine]

I can totally relate with the tendencies mentioned, except for not doing my best on school assignments. Unless it's obvious busy work, I give everything some effort.

Anyway, I definitely do sometimes sarcastically run my mouth and end up offending and shocking people before the weight of what I've done dawns on me. Embarrassing.

And while I don't consciously try to make people not like me, I am fairly open about my weaknesses, for better or worse. I know my weakness all too well, and I end up sharing with people who try to befriend me. Either they are weirded out or bear with me anyway.

As for not being able to stop talking... yeah thats annoying again especially around girls you like.. there was a topic 2 days ago in which someone said, girls i dont really like befriend me easily, its only when i start to try to keep a conversation with a girl i like that i just cant form sentences. I think we INTPs have a hard time 'being ourselves' and we dont cope with social pressure.... once i have it in my mind that im going to ask a girl out. i act completely differently around her.

That's an issue too. I'm so incoherent when talking to guys I find attractive (physically or mentally. It doesn't matter) I guess that's why nearly all the guys I've managed to befriend aren't particularly good looking. They're less imposing to me that way. I seriously need to get over this or a fulfilling romantic relationship would be borderline impossible.

 

[warryer]

Youre problem is youre a girl? See laughing is good.

To touch on what UDM said, once you start the internalization of a situation: should I or shouldn't I? Is when things become awkward. I find that when you just go for it rather than stew over the possibilities, things feel much more fluid. Its difficult to explain but, when I try this I go into a different state of mind: I feel like im outside myself watching my body interact with other people, weird huh? I know its much easier said than done and I am struggling to live along these guidelines.

It could be that you are targeting the wrong group of people to befriend? That might not even be your question.

Back to the ego thing. The very fact that you are aware it's ego based is the first step to recovery (haha sounds like AA huh?). I myself am trying to figure out a way to supress if not kill the ego because I find usually it does more harm than good. But the very basis of it from what I can see is what Vreck said: insecurities.

Nobody is perfect despite what media would have you believe. Wouldn't the world be a great place if everyone embraced their weaknesses? These are what make people so unique. I think when you can pin point your "weaknesses" and accept them as they are that it's impossible to feel any kind of rejection or lack of self-worth. Only then is it possible to build. This is who I am and am comfortable being that way anybody that disagrees has no business being your friend, acquantance or otherwise.

 

[nemo]

That's an issue too. I'm so incoherent when talking to guys I find attractive (physically or mentally. It doesn't matter) I guess that's why nearly all the guys I've managed to befriend aren't particularly good looking. They're less imposing to me that way. I seriously need to get over this or a fulfilling romantic relationship would be borderline impossible.

I have the exact same problem. All the guy friends I used to have were...well...not the hottest. They were great friends though. This problem's become a lot less noticeable now since I started going to a single-sex school.

The most 'detrimental' behaviour I have that I can think of is probably how I always seem to laugh at the wrong time. During a sad scene, a joke that wasn't meant to be a joke, or just for no reason. The atmosphere gets quite awkward when that happens. It doesn't help that my laugh is really loud, too...

 

[Ombat]

I guess that's why nearly all the guys I've managed to befriend aren't particularly good looking. They're less imposing to me that way. I seriously need to get over this or a fulfilling romantic relationship would be borderline impossible.

I think that's very common. If you thought they were good looking you would want to more-than-befriend them. But I can relate. I actually have a really good friend who's amazingly attractive and even though I'm really comfortable around him I sometimes get flustered just... because.

Youre problem is youre a girl?

How many of my problems would be solved if I just weren't a goddamn girl? Girls suck.

As for being "outside" yourself, I admire your capability to do so. I've tried so many times to do it but failed.

haha sounds like AA huh?

Assholes anonymous?

Wouldn't the world be a great place if everyone embraced their weaknesses? These are what make people so unique. I think when you can pin point your "weaknesses" and accept them as they are that it's impossible to feel any kind of rejection or lack of self-worth. Only then is it possible to build. This is who I am and am comfortable being that way anybody that disagrees has no business being your friend, acquantance or otherwise.

Maybe I'll get to this point sometime before I die I only wish

Nemo: I laugh at inappropriate moments all the time. Probably something that can only be helped with years of therapy D: We're all f---ed up, don't worry about it.

 

[warryer]

As for being "outside" yourself, I admire your capability to do so. I've tried so many times to do it but failed.

It's not that I can do so all the time. I go into auto-pilot mode sometimes when I get caught up in a situation that I find interesting. Then about half-way through when I am talking I go, "Whoa did I really actually just say that??" And then I quiet down back into awkwardness. All in all its not something I try to do, it just happens which leads me to believe the words I say: that you just got to let it go.

This kind of reminds me of comedian Mike Birbiglia's 'Two Drink Mike' bit.

Maybe I'll get to this point sometime before I die I only wish

Yea you and me both.

Isn't life messed up? But I firmly believe in the end we are always getting what we need. Just gotta keep fighting the good fight.

 

[SEPKA]

I wonder if we all considered to be under Masochistic Personality Disorder (I'm convinced I'm one but I never studied psychology to truth myself enough).
I have a tendency to deliberately causes harm to myself due to curiousity ("what would happen if I double my drug dosage?"), or fear of getting high result ("oh no if I did this question I would be at the top, better skip it to avoid the ceremony").
As for sarcastic comments, I made them a lot and although I'm a guy people still hate me for that. Someone was trying to kill me before once.

 

[walfin]

Wonder if all of y'all here have felon's claws in your handwriting.

(Not everybody with felon's claws is necessarily a convict)

Here's a sample (the y)

 

[Ombat]

I wonder if we all considered to be under Masochistic Personality Disorder (I'm convinced I'm one but I never studied psychology to truth myself enough).
I have a tendency to deliberately causes harm to myself due to curiousity ("what would happen if I double my drug dosage?"), or fear of getting high result ("oh no if I did this question I would be at the top, better skip it to avoid the ceremony").
As for sarcastic comments, I made them a lot and although I'm a guy people still hate me for that. Someone was trying to kill me before once.

That's interesting. I looked it up and I wouldn't say that I go as far as to have a disorder, but I will "reject oportunities for pleasure" Even if I know that I'll have fun diong something, I won't do it.

 

[lolafinch]

I definitely see self-sabotaging tendencies in myself, but I know a lot of that has to do with being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Feeling better so you go off your meds, not practicing good sleep hygiene, a schedule of regular exercise, etc. It's basically like - you have to be 100% with everything - diet, exercise, sleep, etc. to contribute to maintaining a specific quality of life when dealing with a mental illness.

 

[Jennywocky]

Wondering if any of you can think of any behaviors that you've identified as hurting you / holding you back but that you can't (or won't) control.

• "That won't ever work."
• "They'll laugh at me or ignore me or won't like me."
• "I'll make too many mistakes / it'll take me too long to figure things and by then they'll fire me / hate me."
• "It's too hard to control my spending and I won't be happy."
• "I'll be an intrusion into their lives, I don't want to be a leach."
• "They're busy, I don't want to be a pest unless I need to be."

A lot of them for me either involve my autonomy (not wanting to intrude and thinking others might think I'm being weak, or too dependent, or intrusive) or my chance at success (not wanting to try things where I can't come up with a strategic plan that promises good chances and might never pan out).

Another one: "It'll never last, why even bother?"
So much for "in the moment" living.

 

[Ombat]

lolafinch, That sounds very difficult. It's almost taking it to an entirely different level, trying not to sabotage your basic needs.

Jennywock, I can relate, especially about "intruding" on other people and being a "pest". Sometimes it gets so extreme that I won't even ask a waiter for more water, but it happens with my peers, teachers, etc.

I just want to know how to stop it.

 

[warryer]

@Jennywocky
Definitely me you just described there.

I used to hate going through the drive-thru, because I wanted to know who I was talking to, what if they are making fun of me? I could order from the counter no problem. Eventually I got to the point where I said to myself ok this is stupid and just went through with it. Sounds ridiculous but the same tendencies were there.

I struggle with stuff like this. It's too easy to get caught up wallowing in it. Sometimes you just gotta be present enough to take a step back and ask yourself 'why?' I have a hard time remaining present. Actually, I am working on that currently.