I'll be more direct. Yes your grandmother deserved attention. You gave it to her by showing her due respects. But your father neglected you when he left you a couple times in the car as a young kid. I can only guess how this affected you. You had to go to the bathroom. You got hungry or cold or tired. You felt fear. Would he ever return and when? You didn't understand if he loved you why he left you alone. You blamed yourself for not being good enough to be taken care of. You decided if this kind of thing was going to happen to you, you would have to overcome it by not feeling anything. You decided you must not have been worthy of attention because you were left alone. You decided the strongest person was one who would not care being neglected. That way you wouldn't feel bad. You were a young kid and didn't understand. Anyone who did express their feelings was not strong and you were and are not going to feel weak. That is why you might look askance at another who might appear "too needy."
Lobstrich, how's that for a one-liner? It's only pure speculation on my part. If you care to, tell me I'm wrong. I don't mind being wrong. If I'm right or close to it, I'd like to know that too.
The next thing I'd like to know is how you feel about your father today. It must have its ups and downs. But you don't have to tell me. Or you could PM (private message) me if this is too public a board. I think you are a strong person from what I see so far and I admire that.
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I came across something about guitar players some time ago. They were rating them. Two were high up there. It was either Hendrix or the other who were said to be the best players ever. I can't recall the name of the other one. Would you like me to see if I can find it? As you can probably tell, I don't know anything about music.
No I didn't have to go to the bathroom. I was saying that I was thinking of another time where he went to the bathroom to do his heroin. And he would just sit in there. And he is one of those destroyed addicts. He doesn't get up anytime soon when he "shoot's"
Half of you speculations are wrong, half of them arent.
I never got hungry. He would always buy all these weird things (As in ALOT of candy) because he also smoked alot of pot. And got the "munchies" or whatever it's called. So that was basically what we ate when my mom was out. Well I did. I remember him eating chocolate milk powder as the only thing, lol. Sure I got tired and cold. Don't think it had anything to do with that though. Fear, hmm.. Kind of.
EDIT: When I wrote this eat/hungry/cold I was speaking generally. At home, outside, in the car, everywhere. But I didn't get cold anyway. Rather warm actually. It was mostly during summers that he had a car, He always ended up selling it during the winters because he didn't have alot of work in the winters. Then he would buy some crappy car next summer and sell it for drugs next winter etc. not that i makes a difference. Haha..
I was scared that my mother would find out he was doing drugs. That time in the car.. I got bored, so I looked through his stuff. And I found used needle. I kind of looked at it (didn't realise EXACTLY what it was back then, I knew that it "wasn't right" though) And then nicely put it back where I found it, because I didn't want my mother to find it and leave him. And another time. Me and my brother was sleeping at his place (After my mother and him had been divorced) And the day after where we woke up and he was very high on whatever it was. (he used ALOT of different stuff) He was just kind of moving around and he suddenly decided to rest on the wall. And as he was sliding down the wall, I saw my brother who was around 2 at the time. Was just beneath him. And would have been crushed if Jacob had sat on him. But I just started screaming at him like crazy. And got my brother away. (Jacob is my step dad.. He actually hes my step dad. I think I mentioned that. My real dad moved to Serbia. And he was never married not in a relationship with my mother. And I grew up with Jacob. So I consider them both my 'parents')
Those things were the only things that got me scared. I've been worried alot. But not
scared.
I never doubted that he would return. He would always return. As he always did the drugs in the house, when my mom was not around (which she wasn't alot. She had night shifts all over the place) And when she found out he just screamed at the door. Like most addicts probably do to those that "abandoned" them
No I have never thought "is this my fault? This is my fault!" I think kids saying that are the most oblivious people ever, how can kids think that? it's idiotic. (Kids at my age that is. I can understand if my brother who was 5 by the time they got divorced, would think that. But he is a 'baby') Anyway. I absolutely loathe that sentence. I've always thought it was, Jacobs fault... You have a choice. You ALWAYS do. And he chose to do drugs, and hurt his family. Yes, he has had a very bad childhood as well. But you still have a choice. So no. I never thought that.
So neither did I think I wasn't worthy the attention.
I decided this wasn't going to happen to me? If I get this question right it's like this: Yes.. I thought to myself "No FUCKING way. Am I ever going to be like that" And that fucking was needed. Because I felt that very strongly.
In another way. I was worried "what if?" I was going to end like him?
I didn't start drinking when everybody else did. I never have been truly drunk before. I was afraid of become LIKE him.
Obviously I realised that was a dumb thought.
And now I actually do want to drink. Not like the majority generation (you know: Drink - puke - drink - puke just for the sake of getting drunk)
I want enjoy a glass of wine for a dinner. Or a couple of beers with some friends.. I can't though. As I basically think both taste like shit.
And no. I didn't
decide to not feel anyhing. I did at first. I don't think I was INTP as kid (I've always been introverted though)
But I think after all my crying, all my sobbing and all my useless sessions with arrogant psychologist that thought I was just a kid in school that was making trouble (Well I was. But I wasn't in treament because I was making trouble)
I think my cold and cynical thinking developed from my childhood experiences.
Because I cried and cried. But people in school didn't start liking me because I was crying. Jacob didn't stop doing drugs because I was crying. So I guess I was thinking "What the fuck is this for? It's no use"
(Just a theory though, that last part. But I know that my INTP'ness still developed from this)
I didn't exactly think that not caring was strong. I thought that not making a scene of it was strong... Ignoring it, eating the pain, and just enjoy those things you had that was actually good. THATS strong. And I still believe that.
No I don't think people are 'suspicious' if they are too needy. I think their idiots.
There is a difference between being too needy and just needy.
Too needy people are cry babies. (And you can't argue with that. As the word "too" kind of implies 'too much')
Needy people are weak.
I'm not saying that either of these people are bad people. They are probably cool. I'm just saying that they are cry babies and too needy. Just like you think french people have a hidious english accent or the majority of the American people should get their heads out their asses and learn about the rest of the world, including it's culturegs and history.
That doesn't mean they can't be good people does it? =)
How's that for a one-liner? Hehe, I don't know.. It's alot better though!
How do I feel? I feel the same as I always did..
He is one of the greatest people I know. He is weak for drugs, he's an idiot for doing drugs. And he is a major idiot for doing drugs and ruining the family.
He is still one of the people I love the most.. When he is sober.
As for ups and downs, I'm not quite sure what you mean. For his drug abuse? It really is up and down. But he is one of those addicts that will
ALWAYS end up doing drugs again. No matter if he is clean for a week or 6 months. He's been doing them since he was around my age. And he is around 45 now.. Just got out of rehab and screaming on the street. Antended to my grandmothers funeral. In great health..
Let's see in a month though.
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Well first line is Jimi is the best. It's not even an arguement. He was innovative, unique, could play with his teeth tounge and behind his back. With left or right hand (he would just turn around his guitar and play it upside down) And he was just fucking good.
The other guitarist you're thinking off is probably Slash, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jimmy Page? The are all awesome.. But nothing compared to Jimi Hendrix.
Actually talking about sadness and crying. Hendrix can make cry. He was such a great person, a "good" man. But he was abused ALOT.. Even more then Tyson abused by Don king. It was extreme. And he died at 27.. He just wanted to play his fucking guitar. And spread his music, wanted to entertain people. He didn't care about the money.. Everyone around him did. And he just died...
Now his step daugher is just cashing in and locking up his music. I think that he would just have wanted his music to be spread out to the 'people' for free. But it's not. People want his money.
I've watched alot of documentaries about him.. And for some reason.
His childhood (he had a tough one) And him growing up. Just LIVING for the guitar. And dying by the guitar because he got abused. It made me actually cry.
Another thing that made cry, well tears came out. I wasn't making sounds (just pointing it out as those thing does really make a difference. Specially when it comes to me, and my rare moments of showing sadness)
It's a story about Nelson Mandela.
(read a couple of books on him)
he had been in prison for alot of years. He had not seen his wife, at all.
One of the guards who is assigned to actually spy on him becomes his friend.. So this guards get's the warden to agree on Mandela's wife visiting.
And as the guard escorts Mandela to the cell where the will meet. He stops.. Looks at the guard. And in spite of how noble, wise and truly
strong that man is.. he says, "James.. I have not seen my wife in 24 years. I don't know what to do. What do I do?" That made me 'cry'
These things might seem random. But for some reason they make me said..
I have this theory.. Where if I find the people to be 'strong' or not 'cry babies' at least. And they aren't treated properly, and with the respect 'strong' people should. Or any person should, for that matter.
That can make me sad.
How was that for a one-liner? =o
(Aplogies if this post is all messed up.. As said in a prior post. When I do the walls. I can't be arsed to go through it all and make sure it's perfect.
And sorry for keep doing these "apologies" I Just want my English to be proper. And when I know it's probably not, it annoys me.)