Pruning Some Bad Relationships

[dutchdisease]

Hello everyone I'll warn you from the start that this is a request for advice.

TL;DR Got too friendly with a needy unintelligent self-pitying girl, tried to ignore her but won't leave me alone and her boyfriend is trying to contact me about her saying it's urgent. Help.

I have been trying to get rid of some of the more harmful relationships in my life that I feel have been dragging me down. One of these was with a girl I used to go to high school with and we were sort of friends. Anyway I have this habit of digging into peoples lives to figure them out which can often be mistaken as (I'm guessing) some sort of true act of concern and sincerity (though sometimes there is some). This particular girl was unattractive, going through a lot, and rather self-pitying. I came to be what she considered to be close and for a while I could tolerate many of the unpleasant aspects of her personality. Then she became really needy. She became one of those people in my life who just drag me down with their depression and self-pity (I don't mind depression by itself but I dislike this chronic woe is me mentality about life). All this became very abrasiveness to me.

As a result of all this I decided to cut ties, stop responding to messages, and just generally ignore her. I figured there would be a few messages and then the flow would stop. It didn't. I haven't read the full contents of the messages (so she can't see I'm ignoring them on purpose) but they wreak of desperation and instability. Also worth noting that I have found her to be an idiot who does not event try to improve her knowledge. It has even come so far as her boyfriend sending me a message that he wants to talk to me about her and that it is urgent.

I absolutely cannot stand the thought of going back and being some crutch at my own expense but I am not certain what to do. Do I talk to her and try to make it clear I don't want her in my life or just keep waiting for the problem to go away.

On a final note it may seem that I am being a dick. Of this I am uncertain but if I have to be a dick to be left alone I can accept that.

 

[Lot]

It's time to tell her how you feel. I've gotten myself in the same situation many many times. Clingy people like me, and I had a hell of a time standing up for myself. I tried to ignore them, but it can take up to a year for some of them to get the hint. It's better to just tell them. It's hard, because you don't want to be a bad guy, and mean. That's part of why the clingy people like you.

It's better for them in the end. It gives them the chance to grow as a person. And it keeps you from having to deal with them draining your energy. So nut up.

 

[Jennywocky]

I would agree that you have to tell someone. Preferably her, before cutting it off completely, as it gives her an opportunity to change. The problem with that is that it's opening the door and she might grab on and involve you far more than you want. I have no idea what she's like. Some people, it's possible with; other people given an inch will take a yard.

If you can't bring yourself to risk that, then just explain to her bf in kind terms that your relationship with her had a negative impact on you over time and you finally needed to extricate yourself, which is why you no longer want to engage nor plan to. Tell him what you thought, again in kind fair terms. Tell him you're just telling him as a courtesy and that you don't want to discuss it or explain any further right now. At the least, he'll be equipped with the knowledge to deal with and/or console her.

 

[Tannhauser]

Yeah, that's a thing I learned a while back: one has to be very clear about setting boundaries when helping people. When they tread slightly too far, there should be some resistance on your part. For example if they start sharing negative, depressive stuff, instead of saying "wow, really, tell me more", you just interpret it as a casual conversation and let it drift to other topics.

But it sounds like you dug too deep, homie. From her perspective now, just stopping talking to her like you have done, it's gonna seem like you're just screwing around with her brain.

So the solution, in my opinion, is not stopping responding but start being boring.

 

[Happy]

It's time to tell her how you feel. I've gotten myself in the same situation many many times. Clingy people like me, and I had a hell of a time standing up for myself. I tried to ignore them, but it can take up to a year for some of them to get the hint. It's better to just tell them. It's hard, because you don't want to be a bad guy, and mean. That's part of why the clingy people like you.

It's better for them in the end. It gives them the chance to grow as a person. And it keeps you from having to deal with them draining your energy. So nut up.

I second this. This should be your Plan A.

I would agree that you have to tell someone. Preferably her, before cutting it off completely, as it gives her an opportunity to change. The problem with that is that it's opening the door and she might grab on and involve you far more than you want. I have no idea what she's like. Some people, it's possible with; other people given an inch will take a yard.

If you can't bring yourself to risk that, then just explain to her bf in kind terms that your relationship with her had a negative impact on you over time and you finally needed to extricate yourself, which is why you no longer want to engage nor plan to. Tell him what you thought, again in kind fair terms. Tell him you're just telling him as a courtesy and that you don't want to discuss it or explain any further right now. At the least, he'll be equipped with the knowledge to deal with and/or console her.

This is an interesting angle - using her bf. It shows less integrity than just talking to her, but it shows more integrity than just drooping her. There's your Plan B.

Then there's Plan C, which is to just stop talking to her and cut her off. It's not a very nice thing to do. I've done it. It's not cool. But sometimes it is the best answer.

One final option, for if you have multiple bad relationships, or too many people dragging you down in your life, is to pack up your shit and move somewhere else. Sounds pretty bad, but it really isn't. It's just the beginning of a new chapter.

 

[dutchdisease]

Well I would like to thank everyone for their surprisingly sympathetic and positive answers. It was somewhat unexpected. I figure I will try to either talk to her or her boyfriend tomorrow.

One final option, for if you have multiple bad relationships, or too many people dragging you down in your life, is to pack up your shit and move somewhere else. Sounds pretty bad, but it really isn't. It's just the beginning of a new chapter.

Believe me I have had my fair share of fantasies of hopping on a train and disappearing but I don't feel like that is really in the cards right now (though I suppose many people would say the same thing) Right now I just want to focus on my education and future career. If I do well, more pieces of the puzzle will likely fall into place. Jumping ship though is always an option.

 

[Yellow]

I just want to throw in a Plan D -- The Fadeaway.

I've done this once or twice when a "heart to heart" didn't work, and confrontation, middlemen, and abrupt disappearance weren't viable options.

Become decreasingly available to her. Start by doubling the amount of time it takes to respond to her and halve the time you spend together. After a month or so, eliminate at least one primary mode of communication (stop hanging out in person, say your phone is not working right and won't take calls, whatever). Continue to restrict and reduce contact until she either forgets about you, or makes an aggressive "we need to reconnect" move. If she does the latter, you normally have enough distance to employ Plans A, B, or C to cut things off for good.

Because you're right. Toxic people are toxic. There's nothing wrong with befriending someone with depression, but when they get into those self-pity feedback loops, there's nothing you can do but jump ship.

 

[Happy]

Plan D is good. It is the most difficult to employ though, and carries the most risk. It requires effort over a period of time, as well as commitment to the plan. The main risk I'm thinking about is that she's likely to notice it and may overthink it. This never ends well. So if you'd like to avoid confrontation and are willing to risk things escalating, Plan D may be the best option for you.

But if you'd prefer to just tear the band-aid off, go with Plan A, B or C.

 

[Hadoblado]

Huh. I couldn't tell someone that I find them so annoying I can't talk to them, but I don't find myself in the position of having people assume we're besties unless I have a genuine affection for them. Come to think of it, I tend to accidentally do the 'fadeaway' even to people I consider good friends.

I think telling the boyfriend is a good idea. You don't have to call her stupid or anything like that, but something along the lines of 'I can't deal with the depression' could work. Give him license to exaggerate your weakness or w/e, as at this point really you're just wanting to get out without causing too much harm right?

The 'cease all communication' tactic is... clumsy. Feels like it would cause a great deal of harm, and won't really fix your problem. She's insecure, and heavily invested in the notion you're there for her. why would you just assume she won't care enough to pursue you?

In future, you may want to consider being more genuine with your responses in order to prevent this kind of scenario. That you think so little of her while she's got the exact opposite idea suggests you're probably monitoring your responses too heavily. It's okay to not show interest in people when you have none.

 

[Pyropyro]

If there are multiple cases of bad relationships, you might want to examine yourself if you have enabler traits. Otherwise, another new bad relationship will just replace the old one.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Prune 'em all

 

[Jennywocky]

This is an interesting angle - using her bf. It shows less integrity than just talking to her, but it shows more integrity than just drooping her. There's your Plan B.

I don't know if it's really a matter of integrity.

It's more just odd that she actually has a boyfriend but is so messed up about this guy not being her close bud. Normally someone so needy and clingy to the degree that the OP describes will usually find one person to fixate on, especially if it can be a significant other. Their clinginess will drive everyone else away, so it's usually just one person that's the lifeline.

Why isn't the boyfriend the object/recipient of this clinginess? Why is she concerned about this guy so much that the bf is coming to him?

So something's kind of off, either in the telling or in the background of the story, her level of actual clinginess, etc. Could just be a detail that would make it all make more sense, who knows?

Anyway...

Good luck!

 

[dutchdisease]

I don't know if it's really a matter of integrity.

It's more just odd that she actually has a boyfriend but is so messed up about this guy not being her close bud. Normally someone so needy and clingy to the degree that the OP describes will usually find one person to fixate on, especially if it can be a significant other. Their clinginess will drive everyone else away, so it's usually just one person that's the lifeline.

Why isn't the boyfriend the object/recipient of this clinginess? Why is she concerned about this guy so much that the bf is coming to him?

So something's kind of off, either in the telling or in the background of the story, her level of actual clinginess, etc. Could just be a detail that would make it all make more sense, who knows?

Anyway...

Good luck!

This has made me curious as well. It is likely that at one time she liked me, not necessarily because she wanted me but because she wanted someone. I would have figured that the boyfriend would have taken over in these areas of her life. Strange.

 

[dutchdisease]

If there are multiple cases of bad relationships, you might want to examine yourself if you have enabler traits. Otherwise, another new bad relationship will just replace the old one.

An interesting thought. It is possible I suppose that I am an enabler just through my own lack of anger and inability to set boundaries. This I don't really think I can prove though. I really wouldn't know how to fix this anyway though if that is the true problem. I just don't feel or can't express a great deal of anger or aggression towards people who have wronged me.

 

[Pyropyro]

An interesting thought. It is possible I suppose that I am an enabler just through my own lack of anger and inability to set boundaries. This I don't really think I can prove though. I really wouldn't know how to fix this anyway though if that is the true problem. I just don't feel or can't express a great deal of anger or aggression towards people who have wronged me.

I used this Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend, Richard Fredricks: 9781480554979: Amazon.com: Books@@AMEPARAM@@http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/414RwLyP3wL.@@AMEPARAM@@414RwLyP3wL to have an idea about how my boundaries work (I'm still in the process of fixing them). It's a Christian book, which might offend some INTPf sensibilities but I believe that methodologies given there are sound.

Anyways, diagnosis and maintenance is better done by a professional therapist/ counselor etc.

 

[EditorOne]

Just a possibility: You could, in the process of breaking it off, tell her you now realize you can't help her, she can only help herself. Kind of "I am not the solution to all the problems you experience. You and only you are the solution to those problems. I feel (yes, I said "feel") you won't purge your demons unless you realize you're the only one who can."

Who knows? Perhaps suggesting an epiphany to her will result in change and she'll be a different person in a year. Unlikely, but it's always socially redeeming to give someone hope. Be advised, though, you're liable to get backlash in the form of "Who the hell ever said I've got demons and you're the scourge? Asshole!" And guess what? That works just fine, too.