On feeling useless.

[GreenMan]

Hello, I am new here. (I am an intp) My current thoughts prompted me to register and seek feedback from others like me, or otherwise.

I have been married for 17 years to an ESFJ. <---
I love her and my two children with all my heart, and they are very supportive of me. However, I feel very useless.

Even if I do things to 'help' like dishes and other chores, or spend time with the kids playing and teaching... I still feel like at my core... who I am, goes unnoticed and unappreciated. That is to say, 'I have to act like other people to feel useful'. What's worse, is I can clearly see that for the most part I am not note-worthy or deserving of any real appreciation.

I care about things that others don't. I spend a lot of time thinking about things that in the grand scheme of things, aren't helpful in the least to myself, my family, or anyone. How can I find self-esteem in this?

My wife does many things that I can articulate appreciation for and in doing so, I am appreciating her, for who she is. A care-giver. Her personality is proven 'useful' everyday... to any honest observer. In contrast, I can only appear lazy to the outside world. I feel useless, but I am happy. I am not depressed or anything like that. Just lonely and useless.

Thanks for reading.
Randy

 

[TheManBeyond]

you don't talk about your job tho, what do you do for feeling alive? besides surviving

 

[Pyropyro]

To add to TMB: any hobbies, friends or passions outside work or family OP? I think you're having some issues on loneliness rather than uselessness.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

Well, first of all, don't base too much on assumptions like what type you are, what type your wife is etc. For one, you may have it wrong.

Now, as for feeling that the real you isn't valued by others - I think that's a common thing many people suffer from. Society values certain modes of being that are out of line with a huge portion of the population, and trying to fit yourself into those can feel necessary for survival but ultimate leads to an unsatisfying life. You'd be surprised just how common it is.

You may also be surprised at just how receptive others would be to the real you if you were able to express it fully, but it's likely that those around you are suppressing the real them as well and this can lead to being reinforced by each other to stay like that.

I can't say that I'm really able to express the real me either, so my help is going to be limited, but I would say to be hopeful that you will get to show others who you are, and that things will change very much for the better when you do.

Try to express yourself: in writing, and to other people.

 

[GreenMan]

To add to TMB: any hobbies, friends or passions outside work or family OP? I think you're having some issues on loneliness rather than uselessness.

I am happy. I enjoy Chess and Music theory among MANY other things. However, none of those things are 'useful' to the outside world.

 

[OmoInisa]

I have been married for 17 years to an ESFJ. <---
I love her and my two children with all my heart, and they are very supportive of me. However, I feel very useless.

She's been willingly (and presumably happily) married to you for 17 years. You're clearly not as hopeless as you imagine.
Speaking from my own experience, it's self-evident that FJs (particularly SFJs) appreciate us in a way that other types perhaps do not. I doubt she chose you because you were one of the class studs. You've always been odd. You've always been a bit of a loner. You've never quite belonged anywhere or to anything. Not truly.

Yet she saw in you something that was desirable to her somehow.
I would take comfort in that and push aside the feelings of inadequacy. Everyone in this world is on a quest to carve a space for themselves. And no two paths are the same. You may see other people as some clustered and unified bunch, who somehow have life and relations figured out better than you. But each person is carrying their own cross and running their own race. Theirs just happens to be different from yours.

 

[Pyropyro]

I am happy. I enjoy Chess and Music theory among MANY other things. However, none of those things are 'useful' to the outside world.

It really doesn't matter if they're not useful to society in general. You got to do useless stuff in your downtime.

 

[Happy]

I am happy. I enjoy Chess and Music theory among MANY other things. However, none of those things are 'useful' to the outside world.

Fuck the outside world. It's never done anything for anyone. People only ever do anything despite the outside world.

Enjoy playing chess, enjoy music, enjoy your family, enjoy whatever you do. Share that joy with others. People will appreciate you if you share with them your own happiness. After all, happiness is all any of us really desire, and if you become a source of happiness for others, isn't that the most useful thing you can give to anyone?

 

[GreenMan]

Wow. A lot of great responses. Very thoughtful and to the point. Thank all of you!

 

[AndyC]

All is useless, live with intention, create your own meaning. Through passion, all things can have meaning and influence.

 

[Analyzer]

Fuck the outside world. It's never done anything for anyone. People only ever do anything despite the outside world.

Enjoy playing chess, enjoy music, enjoy your family, enjoy whatever you do. Share that joy with others. People will appreciate you if you share with them your own happiness. After all, happiness is all any of us really desire, and if you become a source of happiness for others, isn't that the most useful thing you can give to anyone?

Havent been on this forum in a while, but this is the best things I've read here in months.

 

[EditorOne]

Along the lines of Happy: There is no purpose. There is only "is." Life itself is the only purpose. Successful evolution for humans requires as much diversity in thoughts and actions and feelings and doing as possible, does it not?

 

[Minuend]

I care about things that others don't. I spend a lot of time thinking about things that in the grand scheme of things, aren't helpful in the least to myself, my family, or anyone. How can I find self-esteem in this?

I think it might be worth trying to explore where you got the idea useful = value from. Was it your parents? School? Some authority figure? Family?

The thing is, when you think about things in a greater scheme, when you reflect, when you wonder and question- all those change how you see things, and it changes how you behave. Sometimes it's not about being able to give a final answer, it's about being able to give a perspective that is nuanced and pass on a perspective that is about exploring. You don't always need to have answers, sometimes all you need to have is the will to explore. This can be highly useful to you and your family. Not taking things for granted and trying to understand what you do not is useful and have value in itself. Psychological guidance or counseling for your children is extremely important, but an undervalued value. Nevertheless, being able to meet "larger questions" from your children, even if you don't have a final answer, has great value in itself, even if poorly recognized in society

When your children grow older (you didn't mention age) you might find they seek you out for advice. Ofc, that's not always a given either, as your children can become fundamentally different from yourself.

I think you should keep in mind you might not be aware of how people perceive and appreciate you.

 

[Rixus]

Talk about feeling useless. I had another day off today - so I thought I'd catch up on some odd jobs. Tried replacing my bath taps with a proper shower mixer as the attachment I've been using doesn't work very well. It looked simple. Not complicated, but was probably the most traumatically infuriatingly fiddly job I'd ever done. How can a human being contort themselves in a manner that allows them to accomplish this task without spending twenty minutes for ever millimetre they have to turn that dreaded valve?

After struggling for several hours, flooding my bathroom, having to shut off the houses water supply and ending up pulling my bath off the wall and damaging the pipes, I called a plumber. Who laughed and fixed it in five minutes. I'd realised the offending washer had disintegrated, but hadn't replaced it correctly. And now I can only turn my water on for a short periods of time because what I didn't realise was that I'd damaged another pipe under the bathroom sink.

Ask me to solve an unfathomable mathematical problem - easy. Ask me to do a simple plumbing job - no hope. No power on this earth could ever make me attempt that again. At least I managed to get the new door bell working and playing Moonlight Sonata.

 

[green acid]

Your interests are infinitely superior to slot machines or watching 'Duck Dynasty', just keep doing what you're doing with more appreciation.

 

[40winks]

Few things here --
1.You cant love anyone until you've learned to love yourself.
2.You cant love yourself until you've learned who you really are.

Most on this planet PRETEND to be aware of the above.

Spend time mastering you -- it will provide all of the insight needed to learn how to love and obtain true happiness.

Good luck.

 

[Green]

hey man, i can relate to your feelings. i think its TiNe blasting. We believe our thoughts, sometimes as dogmatic truths. I think thats what makes many NTs supermasters. I believe in worthlessness beyond a concept though I think about how most everyone around me has some value or something I can think is useful even if I dont like them. How could it possibly be then, that I have nothing worth nourishing?

i think our cogitations are useful but not necessarily real and our simulators are faulty.


whats up with you and chess man, id like to learn some do you have any starting point recommendations?